Original subtitles

[hammering]

[drilling]

[overlapping chatter]

- OH!

[laughter]

- AW!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

- OH! [laughter]

- HEY, GUYS! MARCO!

- POLO!

- MARCO! - WHOA!

[thud]

[turns off music] [hammering stops]

[laughs]

WHEW! [laughter]

[turns music back on]

[laughter]

[overlapping chatter]

[laughter]

- [groans]

- NOW BACK TO MOMS WITH JOBS.

- I CAN'T BE PREGNANT!

I'M A BIG-TIME MARKETING EXECUTIVE IN NEW YORK CITY!

[laughter]

[laughter on rooftop continues]

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! KNOCK IT OFF!

YOU'RE GIVING 'EM SHINGLES! [laughter]

- I CAN'T GO TO A PTA MEETING

BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO A BUSINESS MEETING!

- [laughs]

[staple gun firing]

- OW! - OW, OW, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- HEY, I'M ROOFY HARRY!

[staple gun fires]

- [groans]

[phone beeps]

[laughter on rooftop continues]

HELLO, TV NETWORK?

I'M TRYING TO WATCH YOUR SHOW,

BUT THE GUYS ON MY ROOF ARE WAY FUNNIER!

PUT THEM ON THERE! COME ON!

[phone beeps]

[orchestral music]

- WELCOME TO THE NETWORK.

[laughter] - THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. - THANK YOU.

- ♪ WELL, FIRST THERE WERE AMOEBAS ♪

♪ AND THEY STARTED TO MINGLE ♪

♪ AND SOON THERE WERE ROOFS AND GUTTERS AND SHINGLES ♪

♪ THEN THE FELLAS THAT WERE WORKIN' ♪

♪ GOT TO SHIRKIN' AND A-SMIRKIN' ♪

♪ AND THAT'S HOW THEY BECAME GOOFY ROOFERS ♪

♪ MAYBE EVERYTHING WE'VE EVER NEEDED ♪

♪ HAS BEEN RIGHT OVER OUR HEADS ALL ALONG ♪

♪ ROOFERS ♪

- HELLO, NETWORK? THANKS FOR PUTTING THE SHOW ON.

IT'S GREAT.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[rock and roll music]

- [laughs]

[shattering glass] - ANARCHY...

[laughter] CHAOS...

[shattering glass] DEBAUCHERY...

COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOCY.

OOH, THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!

- WHAT IS IT, DEAN STRICKLER?

- IT'S THOSE LUNATICS OVER AT THETA HOUSE!

THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, CRAWFORD!

ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS CHUGGING BEER

AND CAUSING TROUBLE.

WELL, I WANT THEM EXPELLED.

DO YOU HEAR ME, CRAWFORD?

I WANT THEM KICKED OFF CAMPUS FOR GOOD!

- SORRY, DEAN STRICKLER,

BUT I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THAT, SIR.

- AND WHY NOT?

- WELL, YOU SEE, YOU'RE NOT THE DEAN OF THEIR COLLEGE.

THEY'RE AN UNRULY FRATERNITY

AT A UNIVERSITY IN NEW ENGLAND,

AND HERE WE ARE, 3,000 MILES AWAY,

IN YOUR CONDO IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA.

THE MAN WHO WOULD BE ABLE TO KICK 'EM OFF CAMPUS

WOULD BE THE DEAN OF THEIR SCHOOL,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THAT'S NOT YOU.

YOU'RE NOT THE DEAN OF ANY SCHOOL.

YOU'RE A FURNITURE SALESMAN.

THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE CALL YOU "DEAN STRICKLER"

IS THAT IT'S YOUR NAME.

"DEAN" IS YOUR FIRST NAME, YOU SEE,

NOT YOUR JOB TITLE.

SO I GUESS THAT'S THE REASON

THAT YOU CAN'T HAVE THE THETAS KICKED OFF CAMPUS.

- IS THAT WHY? - YEAH.

- [groans] THOSE THETAS!

THEY PROBABLY KNEW THIS ALL ALONG.

IT'S ALL A PART OF THEIR DIRTY--

- NO, THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE, SIR.

- IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?

STILL, THEY BETTER NOT PLAN ANY OF THEIR HIGH JINKS

FOR THIS WEEKEND'S HOMECOMING DAY PARADE,

OR I SWEAR, I'LL GRAB THEM BY THE--

- MMM, NO, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THAT EITHER.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU'RE SO HUNG UP ON THE THETAS.

I MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER MET THEM.

ONLY REASON YOU KNOW ABOUT 'EM AT ALL IS

YOU READ ABOUT THEIR LAST PARTY IN THIS NEWSPAPER.

GUESS IT'S MY FAULT.

I AM YOUR PAPERBOY, AFTER ALL.

THE ONLY REASON I CAME IN HERE

IS THAT YOU OFFERED ME A SODA,

AND IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,

SO I SHOULD PROBABLY BE GOING.

GOTTA FINISH THE OLD PAPER ROUTE.

HAVE A GOOD DAY.

- OOH, THOSE THETA-- - OOH!

AND, UH, ONE OTHER THING. MY NAME'S NOT CRAWFORD.

IT'S RIVINGTON.

- [exhales]

GOOD-BYE.

[door slams]

[upbeat music]

- ♪ ROOFERS ♪

[rock music]

- OH, MAN, OUR DATES WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

- YEAH. HEY, WHAT'S THIS?

BLL-BLL-BLL-BLL-BLL! AAH!

- [groans] STAY FOCUSED, GUYS.

OUR DATES WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

- YEAH. HEY, WHAT ARE THESE?

BLL-BLL-BLL-BLL-BLL! AAH!

[soundtrack laughter]

- HEY, KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE!

- SORRY, MR. VILLANUEVA.

- SORRY, MR. VILLANUEVA.

- WELL, SORRY DON'T BUY THE MOOSE!

- [laughs]

OH, MAN!

HUH? AAH!

[groans] OH!

DARN ROOF!

[somber music]

♪ ♪

all: ♪ ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, ON THE ROOF ♪

[guitar chord]

- WE WERE LOST IN THE RAT RACE...

JUST FACES IN THE CROWD...

MOVING LIKE ANTS THROUGH THE SAME MONOTONOUS ROUTINE.

CAN'T YOU SEE? WE'RE SUFFOCATING, MAN!

WE'RE MISSING OUT ON OUR OWN LIVES!

IT'S TIME TO GET OUT THERE AND SEE THE REAL AMERICA!

- LET'S DO IT.

- LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

AND SO WE HEADED OUT...

GONE TO SEE AMERICA.

- YEAH! - WHOA! WE'RE DOING IT!

- WHOO! - WHOO!

♪ ♪

THE ROAD WAS OPEN, AND WE COULD GO ANYWHERE WE PLEASED.

AND WHEN WE GREW WEARY, WE STOPPED FOR REPLENISHMENT.

♪ ♪

HI! - OH!

THIS IS A LOT OF STUFF. - [laughs] OH!

NACHOS RIGHT HERE.

MMM! - WOW!

- REJUVENATED IN BODY AND SPIRIT...

- OH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WE CAN GO TO D.C. D.C.'S HERE!

both: YEAH!

- WE SET OUR SIGHTS

ON OUR NATION'S CAPITAL,

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

♪ ♪

OH, THANK YOU. - I'LL GET YOU SOME WATER.

- CHEERS. - [laughs]

- WHO HAD THE SLIDER?

- I DID. - HE DID!

HE SEEMED NEAT. - WHAT A COOL GUY.

- THE BEST TRIP EVER.

- THAT WAS GOOD.

♪ ♪

- THIS IS GOOD.

♪ ♪

- OUR SPIRITS CAME ALIVE.

WE COULD GO ANYWHERE WE WANTED.

SERIOUSLY, ANYWHERE WE WANTED TO GO.

♪ ♪

I KNEW THAT THERE WAS A BACK STORY.

- HEY, WHO HAD THE EXTRA CHEESE?

- OH, SHIT! - OH, YEAH!

- IS THIS GONNA BE GOOD? - OH, IT'S GONNA BE--

- I BET IT IS. - OKAY, I'M DIGGING IN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.

- TELL US ABOUT THIS SPORTSZONE.

- ARE YOU GUYS ENJOYING THE CITY? HAVE YOU SEEN A LOT?

- NO, WE CAME HERE, AND THEN WE'RE HEADING OUT

IN ABOUT 40 MINUTES.

♪ ♪

OH! YOU DA MAN! WHOO-OOP!

♪ ♪

THAT'S BARBECUE CHICKEN PIZZA.

AND IT'S ALMOST GONE. HA!

- [laughs] OH! THAT WAS AWESOME.

INSPIRATION WAS OUR COMPASS,

FRIENDSHIP WAS OUR CARRIAGE,

AND A RESTAURANT LOCATOR PLACE MAT WAS OUR MAP.

- WE GOTTA GET DOWN HERE!

[men singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THIS PIZZA,

IT'S THE SAME EXACT THING THAT IT WAS IN SALT LAKE CITY.

IT'S SO GOOD.

THIS MUST BE THE SAME RECIPE.

[men continue singing in Spanish]

♪ ♪

THERE IT IS! THERE IT IS!

- FREE TO GO WHERE WE PLEASED,

FREE TO TAKE ANY ROAD.

FREE REFILLS ON ANY LARGE SOFT DRINK.

THANK YOU. - PERFECT.

- WE GAZED INTO THE HORIZON WITH KNOTS IN OUR STOMACH.

GARLIC KNOTS.

♪ ♪

- OH, LOOK WHAT IT IS! - AH!

MMM! CHEERS!

♪ ♪

DOUBLE SHOT! [laughs]

- OH!

- WE WENT LOOKING FOR AMERICA,

BUT WE ENDED UP FINDING OURSELVES...

A GREAT DEAL ON JALAPENO POPPERS.

WE ENDED UP FINDING OURSELVES

A GREAT DEAL ON JALAPENO POPPERS.

SORRY I PAUSED THERE.

I THINK I GOT SOMETHING STUCK IN MY THROAT.

- PROBABLY ONE OF THESE POPPERS.

- PROBABLY.

PROBABLY.

- OH. - OH.

[upbeat music]

- A, B MARK.

[electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

[clang]

- THEY'RE PROS.

I MEAN, NOT PRO ACTORS. THEY'RE PRO ROOFERS.

BUT THAT'S KIND OF NEAT.

- [laughs] - OH!

- YEAH.

- GUYS, I GOT A QUESTION ABOUT THE JOKE ON PAGE FOUR.

THE PUNCH LINE IS,

"I'D RATHER PUT GRAVEL ON A 9/12 PITCH."

[laughter] - THAT'S GOING IN?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS GRAVEL STUFF, I THINK IT'S FUNNY.

I THINK IT'S FUNNY.

THE WHOLE PLOT LINE ABOUT THE TAR PAPER,

THAT'S--THAT'S REALLY JUST A METAPHOR, RIGHT?

- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY TALKING ABOUT?

- HE'S MAKING ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE

AS GRAVEL ON A 9/12 PITCH.

[laughter]

GOD, A GOOD ONE.

- WHAT WAS THAT? NOTHING?

- NOTHING, FRENCH.

- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, PUNK.

PUNK ASS.

I MEAN, NOBODY'S WINNING AN EMMY,

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

NOT ANYMORE.

[upbeat music]

[rock music] - ATTENTION, MR. PRESIDENT.

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

GET YOUR PEN OUT, 'CAUSE THERE ARE

A FEW PROBLEMS IN THIS COUNTRY

THAT HAVE COME TO MY ATTENTION.

TAKE SOME NOTES.

QUIZ ON FRIDAY, SUCKERS!

ONE, TWO, THREE, UHH!

♪ LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ HERE ARE THE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ THESE ARE THE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ LISTEN TO THE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ A TEACHER IN THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE ♪

♪ AFTER THE GRAD SCHOOL THAT HE'S DONE ♪

♪ HE CAN'T GET A JOB 'CAUSE THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN ♪

♪ THAT'S PROBLEM NUMBER ONE ♪

♪ PROBLEM TWO HAS TO DO ♪

♪ WITH THE OIL OVERSEAS ♪

♪ AND THE BLOOD WE SHED TO SHIP IT HOME ♪

♪ WHILE WE PRETEND TO LIVE FREE ♪

♪ AND GUESS WHAT, MR. PRESIDENT ♪

♪ NUMBER THREE IS CORPORATE GREED ♪

♪ COME ON ♪

♪ ♪

♪ THERE ARE THREE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ THREE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ JUST THREE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

♪ ONLY THREE PROBLEMS IN AMERICA ♪

YO. CHECK IT. TO ALL MY FANS.

I RECENTLY GOT BACK FROM A WORLD TOUR,

WHERE I WITNESSED THE STRUGGLE OF PEOPLE

FROM AROUND THE GLOBE.

EVERY COUNTRY HAD THEIR PROBLEMS,

AND IT CHANGED MY WHOLE PERSPECTIVE.

DEAL WITH THAT!

♪ SOUTH AFRICA HAS 98 PROBLEMS ♪

♪ IRAN HAS 67 PROBLEMS ♪

♪ GERMANY'S GOT 27 PROBLEMS ♪

♪ CANADA'S GOT 8 PROBLEMS ♪

♪ AMERICA'S THE BEST ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME ♪

♪ WE ONLY GOT THREE PROBLEMS ♪

♪ OUR PROBLEMS, WE ONLY HAVE THREE ♪

ALSO, I JUST LOOKED BACK

OVER MY LIST OF PROBLEMS IN AMERICA,

AND PROBLEMS TWO AND THREE FALL UNDER THE SAME CATEGORY

OF CORPORATE GREED.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WITHOUT CORPORATIONS,

I WOULDN'T HAVE SOME OF THE STUFF IN AMERICA

THAT I REALLY LOVE.

SO LET'S COMBINE TWO AND THREE

AND THEN CROSS 'EM OFF THE LIST!

THAT JUST LEAVES US WITH UNEMPLOYMENT LINES,

OR ANY SORT OF LINE FOR THAT MATTER.

LINES ARE THE MAIN PROBLEM IN AMERICA!

♪ THERE IS ONE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

♪ ONE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

♪ ONE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

♪ LINES ARE THE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

♪ LINES ARE THE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

♪ LINES ARE THE PROBLEM IN AMERICA ♪

GOD BLESS THIS COUNTRY, THE BEAUTIFUL U.S. OF A.!

[soundtrack laughter] - WHOA!

I GOT SANDPAPER STUCK TO MY HAND!

[laughter]

- HEY, ROOFERS, THERE'S A PACKAGE FOR YOU.

all: OH.

[soundtrack laughter]

- THERE'S A NOTE.

- IT'S FROM OUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.

[laughter]

"DEAR ROOFERS,

"REMEMBER THAT NIGHT IN MONTE CARLO?

"SAY HELLO TO YOUR... DAUGHTER"?

- [gasps]

[all gasp]

- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING US.

- YOU KNOW, I USED TO GO AND SEE

THE BEATLES PLAY AT THE CAVERN CLUB.

THIS WAS BEFORE THEY GOT REALLY BIG.

THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING.

- WELL, UH, I USED TO KNOW THE GOOFY ROOFERS.

[indistinct chatter]

- WELL, THAT TOPS ME.

- [scoffs]

SORRY TO RUIN YOUR PEANUT PARTY.

- WE CAN'T RAISE A BABY! WE WORK ON A ROOF!

[soundtrack laughter]

- THANKS FOR WATCHING THIS WEEK'S EPISODE, FOLKS,

BUT BEFORE WE GO, WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE

TO ONE SPECIAL PERSON

WHO HELPED US GET TO WHERE WE ARE TODAY.

AND THAT PERSON IS...

THE PRESIDENT OF THE NETWORK.

THANK YOU.

[orchestral music and applause]

- THANKS, BOYS,

BUT I CAN'T TAKE ALL THE CREDIT.

THERE'S SOMEBODY THAT I WOULD LIKE TO THANK AS WELL.

[drum roll]

OUR NETWORK'S LARGEST CORPORATE SHAREHOLDER,

BILLIONAIRE TADASHI TANAKA.

[applause]

- [laughs and shouts]

[cheering]

- I'LL SHOW YA.

[orchestral music] - I CAN'T MAKE LUNCH!

I HAVE TO DO LUNCH! [soundtrack laughter]

[guitar chord]

[overlapping chatter]

- GOT ANOTHER PITCHER OF WATER.

- HEY! - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

THANKS SO MUCH. - WHAT'D I MISS?

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

- WOMEN. THE "FAIRER SEX," IF YOU WILL.

- YEAH.

- TIM OVER HERE WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT THE BREASTS.

- YOU'RE TAKING THAT OUT OF CONTEXT.

WHAT I SAID WAS, I FIND THE BREASTS

TO BE ATTRACTIVE, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE JUST SORT OF, WELL, SEXY TO ME.

- NO, I GET IT. I GET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.

- PRIME EXAMPLE--I ACTUALLY HAVE A THING FOR THE BUTTOCKS.

- SO WHAT IS IS ABOUT THAT PART THAT, UH--

IT JUST CATCHES YOUR EYE, OR--

- SOMETIMES, YEAH, BUT, I KNOW, THE BUTTOCKS, RIGHT?

BUT YEAH, THE BUTTOCKS FOR ME!

- NO, ACTUALLY, I GET IT.

IT CAN BE KIND OF AROUSING IN A WAY.

- THAT'S A GREAT WAY OF PUTTING IT.

- WHAT?

- THAT'S A GREAT WAY OF PUTTING IT.

- OH!

- ESPECIALLY IF IT'S-- WELL, I SHOULDN'T SAY IT.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD. - COME ON, SAY IT, GO ON!

- WELL, IF IT'S FIT, YOU KNOW?

SORT OF SUBSTANTIAL BUT, LIKE, SHAPELY.

- OH. - AH, WHAT AM I SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

- IT'S OKAY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

- RIGHT. - YEAH.

- HEY, I GOT MY OWN QUIRKS.

I MEAN, IF I SEE A WOMAN WITH A SYMMETRICAL FACE--

- EYES, NOSE, MOUTH, ET CETERA.

- RIGHT, RIGHT. IF SHE HAS, LIKE, NICE SKIN

AND A PROPORTIONAL BODY--

- LIKE THE CLASSICAL IDEA OF BEAUTY.

- EXACTLY!

IF SHE FITS THE CLASSICAL IDEA OF BEAUTY, IT JUST--

- I'M JUST TRYING TO PICTURE THIS, THOUGH.

SO, UH-- - OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I GOTTA SAY THIS,

AND I'VE WANTED TO SAY IT MY WHOLE LIFE.

IF SHE'S NOT WEARING CLOTHING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NO CLOTH OR COVERING.

OR--OR IF SHE IS WEARING CLOTHING OR CLOTH,

BUT THERE'S A SUGGESTION THAT MAYBE IT MIGHT FALL OFF,

I JUST--I TUNE IN AGAIN!

I SWITCH IT ON! - YEAH.

- I COULD SEE THAT, YEAH.

- BUT WHAT IF SHE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY,

YOU KNOW, SHARES SOME OF YOUR INTERESTS AND GOALS?

- AND SHE'S LOYAL, YOU KNOW, BUT SHE'S NOT OVERBEARING.

- WHEN I MEET A WOMAN LIKE THAT,

IT'S LIKE-- HEY, WHAT DO I KNOW?

COUNT ME IN, I GUESS. - YEAH!

- I MAY EVEN GET AROUSED, TO BORROW CHRIS'S TERM.

- WHAT? - HE SAID HE'D GET AROUSED.

- OH, YEAH. WILD, HOW IT ALL WORKS.

- YEAH. - HEY, GUYS.

BUY SOME DRINKS AND QUIET DOWN OR LEAVE.

THE LADY'S TRYING TO DO A SHOW.

[rock music playing]

- OH, OKAY, ABSOLUTELY. WE'LL LEAVE.

- BYE. - SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- EXCUSE ME. - SORRY. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

- SORRY.

[upbeat music]

- I'M DEAN STRICKLER,

AND YOU HAD BETTER BE READY TO GRADUATE

FROM YOUR TWIN BED TO THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW QUEEN-SIZED.

GOOD NEWS--YOU, YOUNG MAN, ARE HEREBY SUSPENDED

FROM THIS BEAUTIFUL NEW HAMMOCK,

NOW ON SALE.

MY NAME IS DEAN STRICKLER, AND I SELL FURNITURE.

I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF A COLLEGE.

THERE. I SAID IT.

[upbeat music]

- [exhales]

[hammering]

[taps]

[sobbing]

- THANKS, EVERYBODY!

[cheers and applause] - THANK YOU!

- HEY! - WHOA!

[cheers and applause]

- YEAH, IT WAS A GOOD RUN, THOUGH, IT WAS.

- HEY, GU--HEY, GUYS.

IT'S ME, MR. VANDELLO.

HOW'S IT GOING?

I'M A BIG FAN OF THE SHOW.

HEY, WOULD YOU SIGN MY BOOK FOR ME?

- SURE. - GREAT.

I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT SEASON.

- [laughs] - [mutters]

- ACTUALLY, THERE WON'T BE A NEXT SEASON.

- WHAT?

- IT GOT CANCELED.

- THAT'S TOO BAD. - I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK IT WAS PRETTY INEVITABLE, REALLY.

I MEAN, GOOFY ROOFERS?

IT'S PRETTY STUPID.

- SURE, IT SOUNDS FUNNY FOR A SECOND,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THAT CAN SUSTAIN ITSELF.

- WHAT'S RELEVANT ABOUT IT?

WHAT'S TIMELY OR RELATABLE

ABOUT A BUNCH OF ROOFERS

SMACKING EACH OTHER AROUND?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. NOTHING.

- IT'S A HACK JOB, YOU KNOW? A LARK.

AND YOU CAN'T BE WASTING PEOPLE'S TIME WITH THAT CRAP.

- IT'S JUST NOT WORTHY OF BEING BROADCAST,

WHETHER IT'S A SITCOM OR A RUNNING GAG ON A SKETCH SHOW.

I MEAN, THIS IS TV WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

- IT'S A BIG PRODUCTION--

CREW, TRUCKS, ELECTRICIANS, AND FOR WHAT?

GOOFY ROOFERS? NO, THANK YOU.

- AND THE WORST PART OF IT ALL,

THINK OF THE VIEWERS COMING HOME FROM WORK,

TIRED, JUST LOOKING FOR A LITTLE BIT OF ENTERTAINMENT.

DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY WANT GOOFY ROOFERS? NO WAY.

- IT'S A COMPLETE GODDAMN WASTE OF TIME.

- MM-HMM. - WELL, I LID IT.

HEY, YOU GUYS WANT TO COME FIX MY ROOF AGAIN?

IT STILL HAS A HOLE IN IT.

IT'LL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES--

YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE TV SHOW AND THE TELL-ALL BOOKS.

MAYBE AFTER ALL, EVERYTHING YOU WERE LOOKING FOR

WAS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE AND OVER YOUR HEADS,

JUST LIKE YOUR THEME SONG SAYS.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

- YEE-HOO-HOO! - [laughs]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- ♪ ROOFERS ♪

[upbeat music]

- I'M BACK, BABY!

I ALREADY TOLD YOU SOME OF THE PROBLEMS

I HAVE WITH AMERICA,

BUT I AIN'T DONE YET.

NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU

THREE THINGS THAT I LOVE!

♪ I REALLY LOVE GOOD WI-FI ♪

♪ AND A MAJOR LEAGUE BALL GAME ♪

♪ SEASON ONE OF GOOFY ROOFERS ♪

♪ THAT SHOW IS SO INSANE ♪

♪ YEAH, WHEN IT COMES TO AMERICA ♪

♪ THE WOMEN CAN'T BE BEAT ♪ [glasses clink]

♪ BUT A GIRL WITH A GREAT MIND AND BODY ♪

♪ THAT'S THE ONE I WANT TO MEET ♪

♪ I REALLY LOVE DAVE MATTHEWS ♪

♪ HIS CONCERTS ARE A THRILL ♪

♪ AND WHEN I'M CRAVING MOZZA STICKS ♪

♪ I HEAD TO TV SPORTSZONE GRILL ♪

[chomps]

♪ I LOVE THE COLLEGE LIFESTYLE ♪

♪ THE FRATS ARE ALL SO GREAT ♪

♪ I BUY MY CHAIRS FROM DEAN STRICKLER ♪

♪ BEST SALESMAN IN THE STATE ♪

♪ I'M JUST NOW STARTING TO REALIZE ♪

♪ THAT MY LIST IS MORE THAN THREE ♪

♪ BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH GOOD STUFF ♪

♪ IN THIS COUNTRY THAT I LOVE ♪

♪ THE LAND OF THE FREE ♪

- OH! SHAVING!

[laughter]

YOU'RE NOT SHAVING.

OH! [laughs]

[laughter] - ♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO ♪

- [laughs] OH!

- CHECK ME OUT. I'M A ROOF!

[laughter] - AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

[thud]

[laughter stops]

[groans]

- SOMEBODY CALL 911!

[siren wailing]