Original subtitles

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

who's the handsomest man of all?

Now, take your time.

I'll turn around here.

You ready?

Here we are.

Handsome Freddie.

♪ Doo, doo... ♪

Hiya, Fred.

Come on in.

How did you like my secret knock?

Secret knock?

Yeah, that was, uh, two heavy ones, three light,

and four quick ones.

That's so you can tell that it's me

and not some crazy burglar knocking at the door.

Now would some burglar go around knocking

on somebody's door?

That's what makes him crazy.

Say, Fred, how come you all dressed up?

It's Saturday night. I'm going over to Donna's.

Donna's?

Fred, I thought we was gonna watch

the awards show tonight.

The awards show? Yeah.

Another one? Which one is it this time?

Well, Fred, this is the one that we've been waiting on.

It's the Best Monster Movie Awards.

Well, listen, is Gork up for anything?

Oh, yeah.

He's up for the most painful death

from a single bite by a swamp monster.

Ooh, wow.

I'd love to be here with you, Grady,

but I gotta go over to Donna's.

I got a date with an angel.

♪ Got a date with an angel Doo bee dee ba ba ♪

Hey, what's happenin', Grady?

Hi, Lamont.

I'll drive you over to Donna's. Okay, son.

Grady, you go ahead and watch as long as you want to.

I'll be back shortly. Okay. Say, thanks, Fred.

Say, is... Is it all right if I help myself

to a snack during the commercials?

Why is it, Grady,

you always wait till you get over here to get hungry?

Well, Fred, maybe that's because

you park the truck out in the front.

And, now, everyone knows

that they serve good food where truck drivers stop.

Donna, darling. It's "Ready Freddie."

Fred!

What are you doing here?

What do you mean, what I'm doing here?

It's Saturday night, ain't it?

You belong to me, and I belong to you...

and who belongs to this cigar?

Fred, that cigar belongs to my date tonight.

A date?

I mean, you got a lot of nerve,

having a date on Saturday night.

Well, Fred, I'm sorry,

but you didn't say anything about coming over tonight,

and, after all, you don't own me.

I know I don't own you,

but I've made nine years' worth of payments.

I mean, where is he? Where is this guy?

Bring him out here.

I'll face him man to man, fist to fist,

and face to face.

Just bring him on out here and show him to me.

That's all, just...

Hey, say, listen, buddy. You're lucky.

I was gonna give you some of these across your lips,

but it's against my principle

to hit a man...

To hit a man with, uh, glasses.

Lou, this is Fred Sanford.

Fred, meet Lou Turner.

Pleased to make your acquaintance... I'm sure.

Why don't we all have a nice glass of wine?

I'll get the glass.

What you trying to do there?

I mean, you ain't gonna get no milk out of that.

Listen, Lou.

Let me make this as simple as possible for you.

See, Donna and I don't stand on that old etiquette stuff,

so you can feel free, at any moment,

to get the hell out of here.

Fred! That's not polite.

Please, please, sit down.

Here, Fred, here's some nice imported wine

Lou brought over from his liquor store.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I don't drink nothing

ain't got no label on it.

I put the wine in the decanter

to allow it to breathe.

Breathe?

That is correct.

You see, fine wines must be decanted.

They have a limited life in the bottle.

Five years for white wine, 50 to 60 for Burgundy,

and approximately 50 to 100 for Bordeaux.

And three days for 7UP.

That is the most ridiculous thing

I have ever heard.

That's the most ridiculous thing

you ever heard?

Is it? Uh, uh, Fred...

Fred, look at this, uh...

Look at this pamphlet Lou brought over.

It's all about the Senior Olympics this year.

What's that?

Athletic events for persons of 50...

and over.

Oh... I... Oh, I remember that.

On your mark, get set, ready? Keel over.

Well, Sanford, for your information,

in order to participate in the Senior Olympics,

one must be sound of mind, fleet of foot

and in excellent physical condition.

I do 100 push-ups every day.

Well, here, add another one to that.

Shove your lips up your nose.

Fred, honey...

Lou won the decathlon last year.

And I have every intention

of winning it again this year.

Listen, I've had enough of this chitchat.

Now, Donna, you gotta make a decision.

Now, who do you want?

Me, who's been faithful to you all these years,

or this wino-come-lately?

Now, look here.

You look here, Sanford.

No, buddy, you look here.

Listen, you want me to decant my fist

upside your face? Fred!

Acting like a fool.

Who's a fool? Say that outside to me!

Come on outside and say that.

I'd be happy to.

Well, come on, then.

Lou! Fred!

Don't worry about nothing. I can take care of myself.

Oh... Fred. Fr...

Wow, Fred. Fred, you just missed it.

Gork won.

Whoopee, whoopee.

Whoopee for Gork.

But he wasn't there, so Godzilla accepted for him.

You know why Gork wasn't there, Grady?

Why?

Because Gork was over at Donna's with a decanter.

Oh, you mean that there was another man

at Donna's house.

Yeah. Some old guy named Lou Turner.

I sure would've loved to have heard you

just cuss him out, and...

punch him in the mouth,

and wipe up the floor with him.

You know, Grady, I got too much dignity

to be fighting in front of Donna.

Oh... you mean big Lou Turner.

Yeah, the one that won the decathlon,

the senior decathlon last year.

I think I've lost Donna to him forever.

Oh, you know, he wins the decathlon every year.

As a matter of fact, he's in it all alone this year.

Everybody's afraid of him.

Well, I ain't afraid of him.

Oh, okay, then it's settled.

You enter the decathlon, and then we'll...

Decathlon, me?

Me, in a decathlon? Right.

Forget that, Grady.

I'm not gonna get in no decathlon

till I get one thing straightened out.

Now, what's... What's that, Fred?

What is a decathlon?

That's where they have 10 events.

You know, like, the 400-meter run

and the high jump, and the hurdles,

the javelin, the shot put

and the 50-yard dash...

Right to the hospital into intensive care.

Well, Fred.

I mean, don't you want to win Donna back?

I mean, after all, faint heart never won fair lady.

And stopped heart never did too good either.

You got one thing going for you

that Lou doesn't have.

What's that?

Me as your coach.

Oh, pfft.

Come on, Fred, now.

Remember, this is for Donna, now.

Yeah, for Donna... Fred, you can do it!

I can do it, Grady.

Yeah!

And when she sees... Sees you win that gold medal,

Yeah.

You'll be first in her heart forever.

Yeah, Grady.

Yeah, you can do it, Fred.

That 400-yard...

The javelin. The spear, the javelin.

The ja... Yeah!

The long jump.

Yeah! Yeah, Grady.

Do you believe... The pole vault!

Yeah! Do you believe that you can do it?

I believe I can do it, Grady.

Do you know that you can do it?

I know I can do it.

Do you have all the confidence in the world

that you can do it?

Got the confidence, Grady.

Great!

Then I'll bet you five bucks he kills you.

Out.

Hey, Lamont, come on down, son.

Breakfast time!

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Open your eyes, son, and say, "Hi, world!"

What's going on down here?

That's what I really like, a lot of screaming and...

Well, how do I look, son?

Like an old hot dog

with mustard and ketchup on it.

You know, you're really being ridiculous

with this Olympic stuff, Pop.

This is not gonna impress Donna, not at all.

It's not gonna impress her one bit.

Listen, son.

You're entitled to your thoughts,

and if you want to be entitled to your teeth,

you shut up.

All right, you can say anything you want to,

just don't scream no more

because I'm not awake yet, all right?

Good morning, Lamont!

Shh!

Quiet, Grady. Lamont didn't wake up yet.

Oh, okay, Fred. I can understand that.

Shh.

Breakfast is ready!

We're gonna have to get some castor oil

to catch this.

Well, how about we have a little orange juice?

Hey, Grady, I thought you said this was orange juice.

Lamont, I said that that was a little orange juice.

Now, the rest of it

is turnip nectar, horseradish juice,

and the essence of collard greens.

You know, Pop,

you're going about this whole thing wrong, man.

If you wanna get in shape,

why don't you try taking a long walk every day?

You got a point there.

Well, I'm glad you finally realize that.

Well, listen, why don't you set an example

by starting off first?

You take a long walk, and start on the roof.

All right, go ahead, be a wise guy,

but don't say that I didn't warn you

when you get yourself hurt, maybe seriously.

Oh, don't worry about me, son.

When it's time to die, then I'll die

for something worth dying for, love.

Like Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde...

And Ike and Tina Turner.

I'm going in the kitchen

where I can get some rest and some quiet

and get myself some decent breakfast.

Yeah, son, you go in the kitchen.

This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna eat this stuff over here. This is...

Okay, Fred,

I have a whole schedule of exercises for you,

so I wanna see you and the team out in the yard.

All right, men. Line up.

Well, okay.

First we'll start off with 20 push-ups, Fred.

Okay?

Twenty push-ups? All right, yep.

Now, you lie down on the ground.

Go!

One.

One.

One...

Say, Fred,

you mean you can't even do one push-up?

Would you please, one "help me up"?

All right, Fred. Okay. All right.

Uh, now we're gonna jump a little rope as soon as...

Oh, here it is, over here.

All right, we're gonna jump a little rope,

because what this does

is develop the legs and the bust line.

Men don't jump no rope.

We don't know how to jump no rope, Grady.

Well, it's easy, Fred,

I used to jump rope with my sister all the time.

I bet you got beat up a lot too.

No, no, look, look. I'll show you.

It's just very, very simple, see?

Just one, two...

See, it's easy once you get the hang of it.

See?

Okay, now you try it. Oh, Grady.

I don't wanna try no rope nothing.

I don't do that.

Oh, okay.

Well, how about we practice on the discus?

That's okay. Get the discus.

Oh, okay.

Here.

That ain't no discus. That's a hubcap.

Well, just use it for practice, Fred.

I can't practice with this.

This is from my presidential collection.

Your presidential collection?

Yeah, see, this is a Ford,

and I got one from a Lincoln,

and if the next president is "Rufus R. Toyota,"

I'll have three of them.

Well...

Okay, here. Here's an old one over here.

Okay.

All right. Ready?

The discus, now. Discus.

Wow, you sure got a strong arm, Fred.

Yeah, yeah, that's because that arm wrestling I always do.

I'm the best at that.

Yeah, you are. You sure gonna win that event.

Yeah.

And you'll probably win the boomerang event too.

Hey, what's shakin', Grady?

Hi, Rollo.

Say, Pop, there's your hubcap, man.

I want you to know it just missed me.

Well, let me put it on the truck and try again.

No, man, don't do me no small favors.

Say, why are you all dressed up

like Friar Tuck?

That's not...

Fred's practicing for the Senior Olympics, Rollo.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Hey, well, that's out of sight, man.

Hey, good luck.

Hey, look here.

Maybe by New Year's Day,

they'll let you play in the "Old Bowl."

Yeah, and tomorrow,

you can get in the Tidee Bowl.

Okay, Fred.

Now we're gonna practice the 50-yard sprint.

Sprint?

Grady, you know I can't sprint no 50 yards.

Okay, come on, Fred,

now, you wanna win Donna back, don't you?

Okay, okay.

All right, okay. Now, I want you...

You run down to the lamp post and back.

All right? Okay.

Okay. Wait a minute now.

Okay.

Hey, man, it's not enough that we have to go...

Where is he, Grady?

Oh, Fred's out practicing the 50-yard sprint.

The 50-yard sprint? Grady, are you crazy?

This has gone far enough now. This is it.

He's gotta put a stop to it.

This is... This is ridiculous.

All right. Okay, Lamont.

Okay, we'll quit as soon as he comes back.

He'll be back in a second.

Say, man, I thought you said 50 yards.

I mean, where is he?

Oh, he'll be back.

How... How'd I do?

Go!

Hey, Fred!

What?

Come on. You only got a half hour

before the Senior Olympic Bowl starts!

I'll be right down.

Did you make that phone call?

Everything is taken care of.

What phone call?

Uh, uh, uh, well...

It's the door, I'll get it.

I don't understand this Olympics stuff, Grady.

Oh, hi, Donna.

Hello, Lamont. Hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Donna.

I'm so glad you could come over.

Maybe you'll be able to talk some sense into my father.

Well, I'll try. Please.

I didn't dream he was serious.

Come on, Fred!

Coming. I told you I was coming down.

Hello, Donna, Lamont, Grady.

Good to see you all standing outside my locker room.

Uh, you want my autograph?

No, but I'd like to have your head examined.

Fred, listen to me for a moment.

What, honey?

I came over here to tell you

that what you're doing isn't necessary.

You don't have to prove anything to me.

Please, Fred, stop all of this.

Forget about that, Donna.

It's time now that somebody took that loud-mouthed Lou

down a few pegs.

When I get through with him,

his high's gonna be hurdled, his shot's gonna be put,

and his broad's gonna be jumped.

Fred!

Well, listen. Come on, coach. Let's go.

Maybe we should've gone to watch Fred.

I think we did the best thing by staying here.

If we had gone down there,

he would've just acted more silly

than he did here.

We did the best thing...

but where could he be?

Oh, relax, Lamont. I'm sure he's just fine.

Yeah, I might as well relax.

Hi, Lamont, Donna.

Hi. Is Fred all right?

Oh, he's fine.

Fred... How wonderful.

Look at all those medals.

Uh-huh. Hey, Pop, I can't believe that.

Are those all real?

Of course they're real. Solid gold,

and I'm gonna have them bronzed.

Are they picking up the light?

Now, look, everybody, see...

Now, this one over here is for the decathlon,

and all of these are for winning

first place in all 10 events.

Hey, Pop. I'm really proud of you, Pop.

I really am. So am I.

Fred would've done much, much better

if he'd had somebody to compete against.

Good, Grady, good. Good.

That was good, Grady.

You mean to tell me

you were the only person in the whole Olympics?

Huh? Yeah.

But what happened to Lou?

He chickened out. He's a weakling.

He's a sissy.

Hello, Sanford.

He's a here.

I heard what happened.

I came to offer my congratulations.

Very sporting of you, Lou.

Lou, what happened?

Fred said you missed the Olympics.

I know, Donna.

Just as I was leaving, someone called,

said they were going to hold up my establishment.

I was obliged to stay.

Why, that's a shame.

Why... that's a shame.

Yes, well... That's the breaks, Sanford.

Can't win them all.

Yes, that's the breaks.

Funny thing, though.

The fellow that called used a very strange expression.

"Goog poobly poo..."

No, that's "Good goobly-goop!"

Well, I guess I'll be leaving now.

I guess I'm going in the closet

and shut the door.

All right, just a moment, there.

Oh, I see you won the arm wrestling too.

Yes.

Well, had I been in the decathlon,

you may have given me a little competition,

but both of us in the arm wrestling, Sanford,

absolutely no competition whatsoever.

Are you challenging me to some arm wrestling?

I believe your interpretation is correct.

Uh, wait a minute, Mr. Turner.

That's quite all right, Lamont.

No, but see, the thing you don't know...

Trust me. It's quite all right.

Fred, Lou, this is ridiculous.

Oh!

Yeah, on the top, winner and still champion!

Lou! Lou, what is it?

Oh, Donna. I do believe I sprained my arm.

Oh, you poor thing! Here, let me help you.

"Oh, you poor thing."

Lou, come.

I'll take you to my house,

and I'll put some heat on it and then I'll...

Over to your house to put some heat on it?

Wait a minute, Donna. Just a second.

I thought we were gonna have a little celebration night.

The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

I'm sorry, Fred.

We'll have to do that another time.

It may take weeks before Lou's arm heals.

Come on, Lou. Yes, yes.

It may take weeks before it heals, Sanford.

I suppose I should be angry with you

for tricking me out of the Olympics

with that phony phone call,

beating me at arm wrestling...

but I realize you did it out of love for Donna,

the mark of a true champion.

I bow to you.

I... salute you.