Original subtitles

Are you coming, Fred?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Go ahead and deal them.

Well, I'm through with the dishes.

Yeah, that looks good. That's what I like.

You ready to play?

Yeah.

What we playing for?

How about a quarter a point?

Oh, let's go all the way.

Let's bet 50 cents a point.

Well, if you wanna go all the way,

let's play for a dollar a point.

Well, if we're going that far,

let's play one hand for $5.00 a point.

Well, since we're only gonna play one hand,

let's go all the way and back again

for $10 a point.

You got it.

You can say that again.

Sit down.

Yeah, thanks for inviting me

to have a seat in my own house.

Yeah.

Aah... Yes.

Why'd you do that?

I don't know. I just did it.

I mean, what difference does it make?

You don't know what the cards were,

and I don't know what the cards were,

so, what difference does it make?

You didn't trust me.

My best friend didn't trust me.

Now, wait a minute, Bubba.

I mean, it's silly to act like that.

Yeah, you're right.

Why'd you do that?

No reason. What's in a seat?

Your brains.

You were sitting over here a minute ago.

What's the difference, Fred?

You didn't know what the cards were,

and I didn't know,

so, what's the difference?

Bubba... What, Fred?

I wanna apologize.

For what?

I wanna apologize to you

because I called from in the kitchen,

said, "Go ahead and deal 'em."

I should have showed you that I trusted you,

and the cards belong where they were.

That's right.

What's the matter, Bubba? You look sick.

Uh, no. Uh... something's funny.

Count your cards.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10...

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10...

I got 10 too.

Tie game.

Now, I don't wanna play with nobody that cheats!

Well, I gotta go anyway.

Good.

Where you going?

I got a date with a showgirl.

What show is she in?

She's not in a show.

She's a showgirl... She shows.

Well, go ahead, then, go.

Why are you so mad, anyway?

Because you gotta go,

and Grady can't come over,

and it's the third weekend Lamont's been away.

Yeah? Where'd he go?

He went to Las Vegas on that gypsy vacation.

That's nice.

No, it's not nice, either.

It's terrible.

Sitting here on the weekend, all lonesome and lonely...

Why don't you call up Donna and ask her to come over?

Because she knows Lamont's gone away for the weekend,

and she ain't gonna dare come over here,

and be alone with me.

Oh, Fred, you disappoint me.

What are you talking about?

Well, Donna's a nurse.

So?

If you were really sick, she could hardly turn you down.

But I'm not sick, Bubba, I'm fine.

I mean, I feel good. I'm in ship-shape.

I mean, I'm tip-top.

I mean, nothing wrong...

Yeah, Bubba, I'm...

I know what you're talking about, Bubba.

Oh, I gotta do this.

Oh... Oh.

Oh, nurse.

Yeah, yeah!

Come in, Mother.

Oh, just a second, Mother.

Oh.

Hi. It's me, honey.

Oh, hi, Mel. Hi.

Come in.

Thank you.

I was expecting my mother. Oh?

She called from the hospital

and said she was on her way over here.

Is she still working?

Yes, just a couple of hours a week,

private nursing. Mm-hmm.

Looks like you're gonna have dinner with her.

That's right.

Well, then in that case,

I don't have much time then, do I?

What is it, Mel?

Well, let's see.

Just exactly how do I say this?

Well, first,

um, hold this for me a moment, will you please?

Now, I, uh...

Go ahead, open the box, please.

Let's see now.

What is the best way to say this?

Mel, there's a diamond ring in here!

That's right.

I want you to put that on your finger

and say you'll marry me.

Oh, Mel...

"Oh, Mel" is close, but "Yes, Mel" is even better.

Mel, I can't say yes... yet.

Is there somebody else?

Mel, I honestly don't know.

I'm confused.

Oh, that's all right... Really, it is.

Look, I know you've been seeing Fred Sanford,

and he's enough to confuse anybody.

You'll always have him on your mind, Donna,

and that's why I decided to propose.

I want you,

and I'm asking you to decide now.

Can you give me till tomorrow morning?

Tomorrow morning?

Yes.

All right.

There.

Oh, Mel... Yes?

You forgot your ring.

No, no, no.

You keep it overnight.

Get accustomed to it...

because... I love you, Donna.

Hurry up, Fred. I got to go.

I'll be right down.

I want your opinion on something.

Well, come on, then.

Do I look sick enough?

You always look sick enough.

Is that what you want me here for?

No, I want you...

I want you to tell me which voice I should use. Listen.

"Donna, can you come right over, honey?

I think this is it."

Not bad. See you later, Fred.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Where you going?

Seemed like you'd be anxious to stay here and help.

Seemed like you'd wanna be here with me.

Seemed like you'd wait till I answer the phone.

Hello?

Donna.

Huh?

Now? Us?

Me?

Alone?

Now?

Was that Donna?

Oh... my dream come true.

Donna just said she's coming over here alone,

and... And she's gonna be with me,

in the dark with the lights out, just me and her,

with the light turned out, and me turned on.

Man, I can't wait to see this.

This is gonna be heaven.

Bubba. What?

Get the hell out of here.

Out, out.

Hark!

Methinks I hear the sound of love

on yon doormat!

Come in, fair maiden.

You're not the fair maiden.

You're the ugly dragon.

What are you doing here, Esther, anyway?

I came to see my nephew.

Well, he ain't here.

He's up there in Las Vegas playing that dice game

that they named after your face.

Watch it, sucker.

Esther.

Oh, Donna, Donna.

Come on in, darling.

Uh, excuse the mess. She was just leaving.

Oh, my, look how nice everything is prepared.

Was that for you and me, Fred,

or was that for you and Esther before I called?

No, honey, that was for you and I

because Esther already ate.

How do you know?

Because feeding time at the zoo is at 2.

Esther.

Don't touch me.

Do you mind leaving Fred and me alone?

Yeah, yeah, listen to what she tell you.

Begone, witch.

I will not be thrown out of this house.

Well, then wait in the cellar.

You ain't got no cellar.

Well, get down on thou knees and digeth.

You digeth?

You old heathen.

I'm leaving, but not because you asked me.

I'm leaving

because I refuse to remain in the same house

with a heathen and a she-then.

Well, Donna.

Here we are, just like you wanted us,

alone... Just the six of us.

Me and you, and our four lips.

Fred, Fred, I wanna talk to you.

Oh, well, let me give you something to talk about.

Fred, I have something pressing to discuss.

"Pressing" is what I'm talking about.

Fred, please.

I aim to.

I intend to talk about marriage.

Where is it?

Where's what?

My hearing aid. I think I'm going deaf.

Fred, I'm serious.

You delirious?

You can say that again.

Fred, do you ever intend to marry me?

Pretend to carry me?

Intend to marry me!

Defend two parakeets?

Oh, all right.

If you want to be foolish, be foolish.

No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Donna.

You can talk. I'll listen.

I promise. I promise.

Anything you want to say, I promise,

but first, just a little kiss,

and then a little dinner, and a little wine,

and a little kiss, and then a little dinner,

and another kiss, and then Monday,

I'll listen to anything you want to talk about,

but we start it with a kiss.

Goodbye.

Donna.

I'll listen to you.

I'll listen to you. Come on, sit down.

Fred... do you know Mel Davis?

Yeah, I know him. He's the ex-judge.

Yes. Well, he asked me to marry him.

Huh?

I'd like to have been there to see his face

when you told him to go jump in the lake.

I didn't tell him to go jump in the lake.

Dive in a pool?

No.

Kiss a hospital mop?

No.

You didn't say yes?

I didn't say no.

But you didn't say yes?

I didn't say yes,

but I didn't say no, either.

I told him I would let him know tomorrow.

Oh, well, you shouldn't have stringed the man along.

You're too nice for that.

Why don't you call him on the phone

and tell him your answer is "no"?

I'll call him for you. I know the number.

Fred, I didn't decide no.

I talked it over with my mother,

and, uh, well...

if you never intend to marry me,

I have to think about my future.

My answer to Mel depends on your answer to me.

Do you intend to marry me?

Uh, but, Donna... Fred.

A simple yes or no.

Donna, that's the hardest thing in the world,

is a simple yes or no.

I'll make it simpler for you, then.

How about a simple "yes"?

Well, uh... All right.

How about a simple "no"?

Uh... you're getting warmer.

I see.

Well, wait a minute, Donna.

Wait a minute?

Does that mean you are asking me

to marry you?

No, it don't mean I'm trying

to ask you to marry me... Shh.

I understand, Fred.

Goodbye, dear.

Oh, but Donna... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Donna.

Donna, wait a minute. Let me talk to you.

Shucks.

I'm gonna lose her.

Remember this picture of us, Elizabeth?

We took it at the carnival in St. Louis,

ol' Grand and McClean.

We were both...

We got behind some headless gorillas,

remember?

And... And we stuck our head in there,

and he took the picture,

and you showed Esther the picture, and she said,

"Girl, how'd you get up enough nerve

to pose next to a whole gorilla?"

She was funny that day.

She was even funnier when she running down the block

with my shoe stuck in her dress.

Yeah, we sure had some good times, Elizabeth.

Sure had some good...

You used to always say,

"Life is so short, just go and enjoy it."

I knew you meant you wanted us to enjoy it together,

but all of a sudden...

you were gone.

And...

Gosh, you were pretty here, honey.

Remember how you used to always get mad

when I'd sing in your ear when I was dancing with you,

and you'd always say you didn't know what was worse,

my singing or my mustache.

But you did like one song,

and I used to sing it every time I looked at you.

♪ So worth The yearning for ♪

♪ So swell To keep every home fire... ♪

♪ Burning for ♪

♪ We'd be so grand at the game ♪

♪ So carefree together It does seem a shame... ♪♪

I'm just lonesome, Elizabeth, lonesome...

And I met this girl, and I like her, and...

If I'm gonna be happy,

I'm gonna have to ask her to marry me.

She won't be, like, taking your place, honey.

She... She'll be more like taking your space.

You don't mind, do you, Elizabeth?

Is it all right?

Is it, huh?

I thought you'd feel about it like that.

To you, honey. To you.

Because you're oh, so easy... to love.

Hey, Donna.

It's me. I know you're up there. Come on down.

I'm gonna give you to 10,

or else I'm coming up there and getting you.

One, two, three...

All right, Donna, come on now.

I'm gonna count up to 20.

One, two...

You could count to 100 if you knew how.

It wouldn't do you any good.

She's not home.

Well, where is she? I don't know,

and if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

Why do you talk to me like that?

I like you.

Since when?

Since I found this was "Be Kind to Buzzard Week."

You're the lowest, Fred Sanford.

You're lower than a man. You're not a man.

You're a weasel, a snake, a...

If I'm a snake and a weasel,

then you're a wonderful woman, my dear.

Yeah, who could argue with you, as bright and lovely as you are?

That's very nice, Fred.

Uh-huh.

No, don't be taken in by him, Donna.

He's up to no good. Mother.

Donna, I have something to tell you.

I mean, I have something to say to you.

Something I want to ask you.

If you would just ask your darling mother

to leave us alone for a few minutes.

All right, Fred.

Please, Mother. But, Donna, he's...

Mother... please?

All right, but do watch him every minute.

I see "liar" written all over him.

No, you don't.

I got "Mother" tattooed over my stomach. Look...

Oh! Oh! Oh...

Say, listen.

Hey, Donna, I wanna ask you, where were you?

I mean, how did I get here before you did?

I had a stop to make.

Oh? What is it, Fred?

Oh...

I don't want to get into your personal life

or nothing like that, you know,

but I just was concerned about you.

Oh, Fred. That's very nice.

Oh, I can tell you where I was.

I was over at Mel's.

And you told him about your visit with me?

Yes, I did, and I told him you said no.

But, Donna... Fred...

Don't be sorry about what you said.

You said the truth.

You simply told me how you felt.

Well, Donna, honey...

But after I left you, I realized

that no matter what you said,

as long as I felt about you the way that I do,

no matter what you felt about me,

I shouldn't marry another man.

What?

It was wrong of me to base my answer to Mel

on your answer to me.

I realized that I simply don't love Mel enough

to marry him,

so I told him I wouldn't marry him.

You told him "no"?

I told him "no."

Now... what is it you wanted to tell me?

Well... Well, see... I wanted to tell you

that if you were getting married,

I wanted to give you my best regards,

and good luck in your marriage,

and that if you were getting married tomorrow,

I couldn't be there because...

I think this is it.

I mean, I... I should be home in bed.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna go home and get into bed right now.

Oh, I feel so bad.

Oh, if Lamont was just home,

I wouldn't be lonesome.

Fred, Fred, I'm coming to be with you.

Huh? Mother.

I heard, I heard.

I'm going to spend the night with Fred.

No, you're not.

Mother, he's very ill, and he may need nursing care.

I'll spend the night with him.

Aah...

Okay, okay. Thank you, Mother.

You're welcome.

I feel better now.

Well, I guess I'll have to give Mel his ring back.

It is beautiful, though, isn't it, Fred?

Oh, it's all right,

but when I make up my mind to marry you,

I'm gonna give you a ring...

Oh, Fred, when is that gonna be?

I'll give you a ring.

Come back here.