Original subtitles

Okay, so your... your name is George?

- You're the manager? - Yes, sir. Yes.

Okay. Your tag checks out there.

I got the, uh, tape from the surveillance video.

[George] I installed this whole

thing here, last time this happened, so--

Is that that camera right up there?

- Yes, sir. - Okay.

He gets up on, uh he gets up on this counter?

- Yes, sir. - That's this counter.

And that is this table right here.

He's undoing his pants there.

[man on TV urinating]

- It's evidence. - I guess, now.

Yeah.

Oh, you want maybe put it in one cup.

Put it all in one cup and then we'll just send it

straight to the lab. Okay.

[drums roll]

Son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

[tires screech]

Come on.

They all have guns!

Whoo-hoo!

Ow!

Push them together?

Get off the bike! Off your bike.

Oh! God!

[grunts]

[indistinct chattering]

Ah!

[siren wailing]

We got a call about some lights out in the desert here.

We got to check it out.

Probably nothin', but, uh...

You put a little bit in a bowl--

- Herbal, you can put-- - Get a shaman, get a guide?

Or you can smoke a little bowl of it, too, totally legal.

Huh, salvia. Somebody is already on it.

- Hey, boys. - Hi, fellas.

[officers together] Hey, guys.

- Sorry. We didn't know. - Great to see you over there.

We thought we was first on the scene.

Oh, no, no. We beat you to it.

We were in the area. We got the call.

Somebody saw some lights or something?

Yeah. It's all taken care of.

You don't got to worry about it.

- You have a good one. - Take care, you guys.

- Hey, can I ask you something? - Yeah.

Do you, do you know those guys?

I thought you did. That's why I was like...

I wasn't gonna say anything. I thought you knew--

I thought you knew those guys.

- Yeah. No. I-- - I don't remember those guys.

Well, I mean...

- Who are those-- - You know, like--

On the other side of the road--

Behind you, there's all those other guys.

- Those are those guys, right? - Right?

- Hey, how y'all doing? - Hey, you guys.

- Oh, hey, guys. - You guys are back.

I thought you guys were leaving. I thought we told you to leave.

Uh, we did. You guys are...

- You've been, you're with us. - 'Third generation.'

Hey, when you guys get home, uh

just take a good-good long shower

wash any exposed skin and everything.

Yeah, and actually, if you have an eye-wash rig

at home, I'd recommend using that.

- We got one at the station. - There you go.

Seriously...

...do you guys want coffee, or hoagies or anything at all?

'Cause we're about to make a run. We're already in the car.

- Acid reflux. - Okay.

- It's late. It's late. - Hey, good night.

- Good night, guys. - Adios.

Last chance for coffee and hoagie!

No, thanks. Okay. You are too kind.

- 'Alright. Let's dig it up.' - 'Yep.'

[instrumental music]

He's over here. He's...

Uh-uh, uh-uh. Easy, vest. Bubye.

- You have nothing to say here. - 'Andrew--'

He's not the issue. The issue is me, okay?

I come into Captain Crabby, one, for quality

two, for my baby.

My girlfriend, my sweet love. It's her birthday.

All I want was to bring her to an expensive dinner

and have them sing "Happy birthday," and they said no.

All of these people here are jealous.

Hush. Can I, hey, can I ask you something?

[Andrew] 'Yes. Please. Please, please ask me a question.'

I'm gonna ask you the-the simplest question.

- Yes. Please. - Is this a sex doll?

Yes, state law says that a restaurant must sing

"Birthday," despite race

creed, color, inanimate.

How much did you spend on this thing?

- Seventeen thousand dollars. - Seventeen thousand dollars?

- Oh, my God. - It was worth it.

- It was worth it. - It was worth 17--

Soon as you get in this, never got back to human.

Don't do this. Don't do that.

Okay. Oh, you know what? Oh, hey, gesture police.

I can...I can do this. I can do this.

You can do it all night. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

- Nope. No! - I can do whatever I want.

If you get, if you get the Captain Crabby shrimp--

Birthday shrimp for a song

then, yes, I will be satisfied.

Just want to go to lunch.

♪ Happy happy birthday Sue

♪ Happy happy birthday Sue

♪ Happy happy birthday Sue

♪ Happy happy birthday Sue

Ah, see? That's nice. See? What?

Uh-oh, she's said I can go down on her.

Here? Okay, baby. Okay.

- Get him. - No.

What? Oh, come on now. Come on!

[siren wailing]

[Dangle] Hey, outstanding news.

I bet you're all gonna be excited.

[imitates drum roll]

We're finally recognizing the Armenian genocide.

I feel like every time you do one of them drum rolls...

You're starting the bar way too high.

[Dangle] 'Was that too exciting?'

We think we're gonna have some kind of taco bar or--

Oh, sorry, or they're closing down the amusement park?

- Just for us? Yeah. - 'Something, yeah.'

Is the Armenian genocide some sort of festival?

No. There is an Armenian festival.

- This is not that. - No. Travis?

Are we gonna... maybe redo secret Santa?

Maybe do two out of three this year?

Just because I've heard a lot of people saying

that they weren't really specifically

happy with their secret Santa.

- Wait. No. No one said that. - 'Who said that?'

[Frank] 'I didn't say that.'

- 'The-the talk--' - I thought you said that.

- 'The talk is--' - The talk is, or your talk is?

No, I get crazy anxiety about pulling that.

I don't want to go through that again.

That's not in the spirit of the season.

We should all just... get on board.

You know, we all know each other well enough to

'pick gifts that represent our personalities, I think.'

You know what, this is a little off topic, guys

but just about those lights the other night

headquarters called and said it was just a helicopter

reflecting off a batch of swamp gas.

[Frank] 'Nothing to be concerned about.'

So done deal. Good meeting, team.

Productive work.

See you. See you, guys.

Are those guys the same guys that are always there?

[Dangle] 'That's what I was just gonna ask.'

- They never talk. - They are, right?

[Jack] 'Who else would they be?'

Why would you be in this room

and sit through this [bleep] if you didn't have to?

Exactly. Precisely.

What the hell?

[Junior] Holy [bleep] [bleep].

- 'What?' - 'Huh?'

Do we have to do secret Santa for them guys, too?

[all] No!

[instrumental music]

Yeah. We should know these guys.

I'm just not very good with...

...names or faces

or remembering, like

a whole conversation

or, like, part of a conversation

or, you know, the facts, or the figures.

- Or the math, or the-- - Butterflies, butterflies.

- Oh. No. Piece of paper. - Piece of paper.

But it was fluttering just like a butterfly.

That's pretty. Yeah.

[siren wailing]

You know how much these houses go for?

- How much? - Four hundred thousand--

'Four hundred thousand? Like, $400,000'

'I can go buy a castle in France.'

[Junior] 'Ho ho. Okay.'

- Okay. - Freeze! Neighborhood watch!

Come on. Get your hands in the air.

Do you mind putting the guns down...

And we can just get to business?

We could go check out this house over here.

We're just trying to do our job, ma'am.

That's not gonna ha...y-you should go back into your car

and you should go back to the sheriff's depart--

Let's go, let's get in our car, and let's go back--

You leave your balls at the station house?

You've got a gate. Why do you have 150 guns here?

Because we have a very low wall.

[glass shatters]

- 'Freeze! Freeze!' - 'Freeze! Neighborhood watch!'

No, no, no! You don't say freeze!

You don't say freeze! We say freeze!

You don't say freeze! We say freeze!

Freeze, you [bleep]!

Goddamn it!

[male #1] Get the [bleep] off my lawn!

[gunshots]

[screams]

[male #2] Freeze! Neighborhood watch!

[Frank] Oh, my God! Damn it!

[gunshots]

- Who the hell are these people? - Man, I don't know.

I've never been to this neighborhood before.

- Jesus! Oh, God. - Jesus.

- Hey, how you doing? - Yeah.

The keys. Give me your car keys.

- I'll be right back for you. - Go.

[screams]

This is a gated community.

Dude, he's come back!

Go, go, go, go!

[male #3] 'You forgot the stereo, ass[bleep].'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

[speaking in foreign language]

The Cero is silent.

We are Reno's number-one Spanish-speaking radio station

and we're here with the Reno Sheriff's Department.

[speaking in foreign language]

- ...having us on the show. - Thanks for having us.

We just want to announce to all of your listeners out there

that it's bicycle safety week.

If you come down to the Reno Sheriff's Department

this Saturday, we're giving coupons for $4.00 off

any bike helmet in the area.

[snoring]

[Dangle] 'Well, it is, it is super important, though.'

What was that? That was a big sleeping

because of your boring talking.

Yeah, it may not be the most exciting thing in the World

but I think everybody appreciates bike safety.

You know what's exciting? Race wars!

[imitating gunshots]

- No, no, no, no. - Race cars.

Time for a commercial break.

[speaking in foreign language]

...no, I'll be kind.

You see, I'm going to kill them.

Uh, am I crazy? Y-you said, uh

you're gonna shoot us with a gun when we leave.

Nah. That's just Spanish.

- It's a joke. - That's an expression.

I would not shoot you from behind

[speaks in foreign language]

No. I will shoot you from the front.

And we're back on the air having fun.

[speaks in foreign language]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Tru? - What?

I have an idea for how we could, uh, check

to see if the three fellows whose names I can't remember.

Yeah. How?

- I got a plan. - Okay.

It's not checked out, but here's the thing.

- Okay. - I think they're all Jews.

Why? What makes you think that?

[Dangle] 'Just look at their faces?'

'They have those beaky faces...'

- Yeah. - 'But here's the thing.'

I need you to get some pictures of their foreskins.

How am I gonna do that?

I think the old-fashioned way.

- You know what I'll do? - 'What's that?'

- I'm just gonna go old school. - 'Yeah?'

I'm gonna say, "Hey, guys."

"I'm having a make-out party at my place tonight.

Why don't you bring your [bleep]?"

[Trudy] Last year for secret Santa

everyone got a present, except for me, that doesn't--

Because the person who got your name

didn't want to get you nothing.

- That's fitz. - That's not fitz.

That's just somebody don't like you.

Yeah. We got a secret Jew in the group.

- That's what that is. - No.

- Hey! - Oh. Hey, ladies.

- What's happening? - How you doing, fellas?

- What was that? - Are y'all related, or...

[men together] No! No! No!

I thought you were related because you're name is...

- What? - I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I'm eating a hot dog.

Did you just say my name was Fernando?

I'm training her for a hot dog eating contest.

We're training for a hot dog eating contest.

My god. Oh.

Show us how fast you can eat one.

[men together] Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!

Trudy! Trudy! Trudy!

Trudy! Trudy! Trudy! Trudy...

Alright. Um, hey, we took care of car 57 for you.

Don't worry about it.

- Ugh, Jesus, these smell bad. - 'Is it sulfur?'

Thanks...

They ain't getting no secret Santa

if we don't know who the hell they are.

[instrumental music]

- Oh!' - 'Here we go.'

I [bleep] hate this place. Let's go, sarge.

[indistinct chattering]

[glass breaks distinctly]

[grunting]

[bleep]

[indistinct chattering]

Oh!

[bleep]

Holy [bleep]

[gunshots]

[heavily breathing]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Jones] Ho! Sheriff's department.

[Jack] Everybody needs to

cool the [bleep] out!

Sorry, ma'am.

Wish we could've made it here in time for the action.

You, get the [bleep] out of my bar!

[screams]

[instrumental music]

- Sheriff's department. - 'Hi.'

- Uh... - 'Uh to you, too.'

Mike, we're here 'cause, uh your neighbors have been, uh...

...have been wondering about you a little bit.

They-they-they're kind of... they're a little concerned

about, uh, you know--

About this whole, this whole scenario here.

That's nice. That's nice. That's a nice...

You know, when you buy into a neighborhood like this...

You know, you watch, you watch each other's back, and...

You're-you're good? You're-you're fine?

- Oh! Oh! - 'Come on, Michael.'

- Michael! - Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh! - Yeah.

These ain't my pants.

Can you tell us about last night?

I was partying down.

- Really? - I was down...

- Yeah? - Down over at the...

Oh, biker bar, but they're not real bikers

the biker bar, though, lot of fellas--

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Mm, then what happened?

We got it on...beerwise, and then got it on

with a shot, and then, "You want a??, man?"

"What's that?" Oh, I did it off his back.

[chuckles] And then bloop. Bloop.

- Bloop is-- - Went blank.

- What did...oh. - That's all you remember.

And then you guys hassling me.

It hurts when I breathe.

- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

Did someone punch you in the gut, too?

I think they punched me up in the butt.

Up the butt. There's another word for that.

[siren wailing]

Hey, Marvin.

It's not "Hey, Marvin." It's Lee Marvin.

- Lee Marvin. - Lee Marvin.

- Lee Marvin. - When I said, "Hey, Marvin."

I was going to...

...reference...

...Lee Marvin in that terrific picture--

"Paint your wagons red"?

- That's exactly what I meant. - "Paint your wagons red."

- Yeah. - Yep.

[drums roll]

[Trudy] 'Hi, kids.'

My name is Deputy Trudy Weigel

and I am from the Reno Sheriff's Department

'and I am here today to talk to you'

about your red-light areas.

Now, I know it's sometimes hard

to keep track of all of 'em 'cause we got so darn

many of 'em, so I wrote a little song

'to help you remember'

'just where they are.'

♪ Ooh

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my bunghole

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my boobs

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my fanny

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my [bleep]

♪ Ooh Lordy

♪ Don't you touch my fun bags

♪ Oh Lordy

♪ Don't you touch my vague

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my wiener

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my hole

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't you touch my scrotum

♪ Jump down turn around

♪ Don't play with my

♪ Balls ♪

[drums roll]

For three years in a row Trudy Weigel

has gotten me for secret Santa.

Uh, three years ago

caramel apple.

I threw the caramel apple away

at the station.

Last year, swear to God...

...same caramel apple.

And, uh, every year he throws it away,

so I just take it out of the garbage.

Next year, I regift it, I just put more sprinkles

on the outside and make it look more festive.

Also every year, I give him a coupon for a hug.

He hasn't, uh, he hasn't turned any of 'em

in yet to get his hugs, so, I think he's probably

saving them all up to trade them in for one big [bleep] job.

[imitating lion]

[instrumental music]

Got a 911 call out here in Donner State Park.

Boy, this is a long drive.

[Glen] Thank you. Good to see you. Yeah.

You okay?

You guys came in like the Flintstones.

That was like yabba dabba doo.

...drive from the main highway.

Yeah. We had a washout, too.

I'm surprised you guys got through that.

Yeah, I think we bottomed out there.

- Took some damage, you alright? - Goods to see you.

- You look good. - Thank you.

- You lose weight? - Thank you, yeah.

A little bit, little bit, yeah.

- You working out? - A little bit, little bit.

- You look strong. - Not a social call, I hope.

- God, I hope this is not a-- - No, sir. No, no.

Come on over here. Have a seat. Have a seat.

- 'No, no, no.' - 'We will not sit down.'

[Dangle] 'Is the perp still here? Perp still here?'

- It's a bit of a yarn. - We don't have time.

We don't have time for a bit of a yarn.

We for sure don't have time for a yarn.

So, I'm out there, and I'm in a certain area

and I see something, I'm thinking

"Oh, maybe that's a bear." you know, I got Chuck

and I got Gary over on this side.

I got names for them, you know?

And then I think it was like a guy.

It looked like a man, but I'm not sure.

- 'Cause he was-- - Vagrant, homeless fella.

I think it was a homeless vagrant.

Homeless man. Dressed as a bear?

Dressed as a bear, or just your mistake?

I'm thinking bear, maybe bobcat.

No, sir. Guys, I wouldn't call you our here

for some nonsense, this guy, although you have before.

You have before.

- You have before. - Trust me, guys.

- Okay. - Glen, do us a favor.

Be honest with us now.

- There was no-- - 'Man-bear.'

- Man-bear. - There was a...

Come on, now.

There was a bear on the ridge.

That's where he should be, in the national parks.

National park, that's where a bear should be.

If it was a drifter, I'm unprepared.

We like you. I think you're a good guy.

- You're a good guy. - We like you.

What are you doing for Christmas?

Well, going to my Chicago. Family is doing a thing, so...

You?

Going with him to Chicago.

We're going to Chicago to do a thing.

- We're going to Chicago. - We have a black family.

Yeah, I'll be out here by myself.

Saddest time of the year is Christmas. That's a fact.

That's where the Donners ate each other, right up there?

- Right, I believe, right there. - Yeah. Right there.

It's been great.

[Dangle] I could've sworn I just heard some whispering

over from the Donner bones, but...

You might want to check that out.

- Wow, it's been great. - 'Oh, it's been great.'

- Bye, Glen. - Bye, Glen.

- Don't chase the car. - 'Don't chase the car.'

[Dangle] 'It's dangerous. Don't chase the car.'

[instrumental music]

[Dangle] 'I think there's a very good chance'

that the blonde one's name is

I-I yelled out, "Hey, Glarry."

- "Hey, Glarry"? - "Glarry"?

'It's either... H-he might be Gary or Larry'

'cause I say... I was trying to say Gary

and I made a mistake. I said, "Hey, Glarry."

The glasses guy kind of looks like roge.

[Frank] 'He looks like an Ernie.'

[Junior] Glasses guy does look like an Ernie.

Are we gonna, are we gonna start doing "Looks like"?

Ladies and gentlemen of the Reno, Nevada

sheriff's department.

'You've, no doubt, by now surmised'

'that we are not who we claim to be.'

We are not actually members of the Reno sheriff's department.

We are members of the office of home world security.

[male #5] 'Yes, a rain of antimatter was coming down'

'upon the very desert in which you all live'

and we stopped it from killing every last one of you.

- Yes? - Is your name Glarry?

- That's the most ridiculous-- - That's not a name.

Who is named Glarry? I turned because I heard Glarry

'and I thought, "What the hell does Glarry mean?"'

Flat out mistake, and I apologize.

Now, please come with us

and we will answer every question you have.

Come on.

[door closes]

- Was that not clear? - We meant right now.

[indistinct chattering]

[male #5] 'Time is of the essence.'

Ladies and gentlemen, do not forget what's happened here.

There's one thing that you need to remember.

It's do not trust your senses.

We'll be in contact.

If we're not...pray.

- Let's go! - Godspeed.

[mumbling]

[Junior] So, we don't have to do them for secret Santa.

No. We don't.

[all] Yeah!

Last time, I did whippits

Roy Clark appeared

and told me not to do whippits anymore and I stopped.

Well, that would, that would do it for me.

Cold turkey. I think he's dead.

- You had a vision. - Yeah, yeah. Of Roy Clark.

- Oh, no. He's long dead. - Long dead.

Came out, big smile, red, white, and blue banjo

and said, "Travis, you straighten up."

you know, I got some in the trunk.

Salvia?

Yeah. And whippits.

Oh. Not tonight.

Not, as it were, a school night.

[laughs]

I'm [bleep] with you.

- "School night." - Yeah, let's do some--

Let's do some whippits really quick.