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1
00:00:05,212 --> 00:00:07,772
You know, it is estimated
that the American workforce
2
00:00:07,869 --> 00:00:10,839
has lost 80 to 87%
of its productivity
3
00:00:10,941 --> 00:00:13,771
after the invention
of the Internet.
4
00:00:13,875 --> 00:00:15,145
Thank you, Al Gore.
5
00:00:15,256 --> 00:00:18,156
Uh, they ain't exactly
googling it for recipes, either.
6
00:00:18,259 --> 00:00:20,569
What they're doing is
they're googling porn.
7
00:00:20,675 --> 00:00:22,505
We at the Reno
Sheriff's Department
8
00:00:22,608 --> 00:00:24,158
have, uh, safe search
9
00:00:24,265 --> 00:00:26,645
embedded into
each of our computers
10
00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:29,440
but...you can get around that.
11
00:00:29,546 --> 00:00:31,956
What you got to do is you got
to break into the matrix.
12
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,446
'Most computers
intimidate people'
13
00:00:34,551 --> 00:00:36,071
''cause you think
they're too complicated'
14
00:00:36,174 --> 00:00:39,424
'but they're no more complicated
than the human brain'
15
00:00:39,522 --> 00:00:42,322
'or a '72
Chevy combustion engine.'
16
00:00:42,421 --> 00:00:44,601
Alright. Release the porn.
17
00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:47,669
[crackling]
18
00:00:49,497 --> 00:00:52,737
[female #1]
'Aah! Oh, my God!
What's happening?'
19
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:53,875
Let's go, Joe. Let's go, Joe.
20
00:00:53,984 --> 00:00:55,754
[instrumental music]
21
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:57,158
You son of a bitch.
Goddamn it!
22
00:00:57,264 --> 00:00:58,274
[explosion]
23
00:00:59,335 --> 00:01:00,815
[tires screeching]
24
00:01:00,922 --> 00:01:02,612
[grunting]
25
00:01:02,717 --> 00:01:04,267
They all have guns!
26
00:01:05,306 --> 00:01:06,196
[explosion]
27
00:01:08,378 --> 00:01:09,898
Whoo-hoo!
28
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,450
Ow!
29
00:01:13,556 --> 00:01:14,586
Push them, push them together?
30
00:01:14,695 --> 00:01:16,455
Get off the bike!
Off your bike.
31
00:01:18,354 --> 00:01:19,424
Oh, God!
32
00:01:20,804 --> 00:01:22,634
[siren wailing]
33
00:01:22,737 --> 00:01:23,637
[gunshots]
34
00:01:23,738 --> 00:01:24,708
[clicking]
35
00:01:24,808 --> 00:01:26,908
[grunting]
36
00:01:27,017 --> 00:01:27,947
Huh.
37
00:01:28,916 --> 00:01:30,436
[indistinct chattering]
38
00:01:30,538 --> 00:01:31,608
[screaming]
39
00:01:31,712 --> 00:01:32,642
[crackling]
40
00:01:32,747 --> 00:01:35,717
[siren wailing]
41
00:01:40,686 --> 00:01:42,336
♪ I want some linoleum floors
42
00:01:42,447 --> 00:01:44,547
♪ You want
some linoleum floors ♪
43
00:01:44,656 --> 00:01:46,066
♪ Who wants linoleum floors?
44
00:01:46,175 --> 00:01:48,345
♪ Everybody wants
linoleum floors ♪
45
00:01:48,453 --> 00:01:52,323
♪ Tiles parquet hardwood? Okay
46
00:01:52,422 --> 00:01:54,462
♪ Bathrooms kitchens
47
00:01:54,562 --> 00:01:56,502
♪ Hallways bitchin'
48
00:01:56,599 --> 00:01:58,389
♪ Linoleum linoleum
49
00:01:58,497 --> 00:02:00,467
♪ We got linoleum floors
50
00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:01,778
♪ Dance party ♪
51
00:02:03,571 --> 00:02:05,161
- Ah, I love that.
- I love linoleum guy.
52
00:02:05,263 --> 00:02:06,783
- That's my favorite commercial.
- Yeah.
53
00:02:06,885 --> 00:02:09,055
[Dangle]
'What would you say
if I told you'
54
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:12,033
we have just hired
55
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,582
the linoleum floor guy
56
00:02:13,685 --> 00:02:16,515
to do
our new recruitment commercial?
57
00:02:16,619 --> 00:02:17,549
- What?
- We got him?
58
00:02:17,654 --> 00:02:19,244
I would call you
a [bleep] liar.
59
00:02:19,346 --> 00:02:21,486
- We got the linoleum guy?
- We got him.
60
00:02:21,589 --> 00:02:22,939
Will we get to meet him?
61
00:02:23,039 --> 00:02:24,449
[Dangle]
Get to meet him,
have to meet him.
62
00:02:24,558 --> 00:02:27,108
Uh, first off, he has a name.
His name is Levon French.
63
00:02:27,216 --> 00:02:28,936
'He says he can do it
for the $8000.'
64
00:02:29,045 --> 00:02:30,665
He wants interviews
with everybody.
65
00:02:30,771 --> 00:02:32,391
He's gonna shoot some footage
with all of us--
66
00:02:32,497 --> 00:02:33,707
Yes!
67
00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:35,878
♪ Who wants linoleum floors?
68
00:02:35,983 --> 00:02:38,303
♪ I want linoleum floors
You... ♪
69
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,059
Do that, do that, do that.
70
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,820
♪ Tile parquet hardwood?
71
00:02:42,921 --> 00:02:44,301
♪ Okay ♪
72
00:02:44,405 --> 00:02:45,915
- 'Did you speak to him?'
- Of course.
73
00:02:46,027 --> 00:02:46,927
- Yeah?
- 'Yeah.'
74
00:02:47,028 --> 00:02:48,378
What does his voice sound like?
75
00:02:48,478 --> 00:02:50,788
He's, um, well, uh
76
00:02:50,894 --> 00:02:53,104
he's very well-spoken...
77
00:02:57,315 --> 00:02:59,655
...for a, for a black guy,
and then he's, uh--
78
00:02:59,765 --> 00:03:03,145
By the way, Jim, by the way,
Jim, do I speak clearly
79
00:03:03,252 --> 00:03:04,632
and-and, and...
80
00:03:04,736 --> 00:03:09,186
[stammering]
and clearly as, for a black man?
81
00:03:09,292 --> 00:03:10,952
- Often, but not right then.
- 'Not right then?'
82
00:03:11,052 --> 00:03:13,052
That was a bad example.
Go again.
83
00:03:13,158 --> 00:03:14,818
I was gonna be offended,
but, uh, you're right.
84
00:03:14,918 --> 00:03:16,468
You got me on that one.
That was bad.
85
00:03:16,575 --> 00:03:19,475
[instrumental music]
86
00:03:22,512 --> 00:03:24,452
The old Jeffers' shack
was never haunted
87
00:03:24,549 --> 00:03:26,029
never haunted at all.
88
00:03:26,136 --> 00:03:27,656
Old man Jeffers
just wanted everybody
89
00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:29,239
to think it was haunted
90
00:03:29,347 --> 00:03:32,137
so he could make crystal meth
in it, but don't you worry.
91
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,626
Thanks to you guys
92
00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:37,320
old man Jeffers is going to jail
for a very, very long time.
93
00:03:37,424 --> 00:03:38,564
I would've
gotten away with it, too
94
00:03:38,666 --> 00:03:39,806
if it wasn't for you
[bleep] kids!
95
00:03:39,909 --> 00:03:41,739
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.
96
00:03:41,842 --> 00:03:45,022
[Jeffers]
'I'm gonna kill you kids.
You're so [bleep] dead.'
97
00:03:45,121 --> 00:03:46,231
I'm gonna find where you live.
98
00:03:46,329 --> 00:03:47,679
I'm gonna come
to your [bleep] house.
99
00:03:47,779 --> 00:03:49,709
I'm gonna kill your families,
I'm gonna kill you!
100
00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:51,125
I'm gonna cut
your parents' faces off
101
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,651
while you're still alive.
102
00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:55,719
Then I'm gonna skull[bleep] you
to the music of their anguish!
103
00:03:55,821 --> 00:03:57,411
You [bleep] kids, you.
104
00:03:57,513 --> 00:03:59,413
You, I'm gonna cut a
[bleep]sized hole in your chest
105
00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:00,785
and [bleep] your heart.
106
00:04:00,895 --> 00:04:02,345
I'm gonna kill everyone
who ever knew you.
107
00:04:02,449 --> 00:04:04,619
I don't care if I have to get
every man, woman and child
108
00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:05,967
in Storey County!
109
00:04:06,073 --> 00:04:07,593
Okay. This is Washoe County,
by the way.
110
00:04:07,695 --> 00:04:09,455
It's Storey County!
111
00:04:12,907 --> 00:04:13,977
Oh, crap,
are we in Storey County?
112
00:04:14,081 --> 00:04:14,981
- This is Storey County?
- Really?
113
00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:16,332
This is Storey county.
114
00:04:16,428 --> 00:04:17,768
- The shack is in Storey County?
- The...
115
00:04:17,878 --> 00:04:20,118
Yes. This is Storey County.
Look at a [bleep] map!
116
00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:22,155
Where does this become
Storey County, after the 40?
117
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,512
- After the 40.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy.
118
00:04:24,609 --> 00:04:26,749
This is, this is
not our jurisdiction. Yikes.
119
00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,892
Um, wow. That was so our bad.
120
00:04:28,992 --> 00:04:31,792
Uh, old man Jeffers,
you are...
121
00:04:31,892 --> 00:04:33,862
Even grown-ups make mistakes.
122
00:04:33,963 --> 00:04:35,383
- So sorry about that.
- Here you go, sir.
123
00:04:35,482 --> 00:04:37,902
Sorry for troubling you.
Thanks, kids. Way to go.
124
00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:40,311
- Have a great...evening.
- And, uh, sorry about that.
125
00:04:40,418 --> 00:04:41,488
The 40 is, uh, that way?
126
00:04:41,591 --> 00:04:43,461
[instrumental music]
127
00:04:44,974 --> 00:04:47,184
You know, Levon French
has one of them personalities
128
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,427
that's just magnetic, you know?
129
00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:50,910
I think there's some actors
130
00:04:51,014 --> 00:04:52,674
who I could just watch
read the phone book
131
00:04:52,775 --> 00:04:56,945
like Adrienne Barbeau
or Burt Reynolds
132
00:04:57,055 --> 00:04:58,365
you know,
that you're just sucked in.
133
00:04:58,470 --> 00:05:01,340
And, and Levon French
is that kind of man.
134
00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:05,059
Why did you pick only people
from "The Cannonball Run?"
135
00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,306
Would you say that Dom DeLuise
136
00:05:06,409 --> 00:05:07,719
you could watch him
read the phone book, too?
137
00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:10,004
Yeah. Dude, if he could
keep a straight face...
138
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,142
I don't think he could,
old bum DeLuise.
139
00:05:12,242 --> 00:05:15,072
[instrumental music]
140
00:05:15,176 --> 00:05:18,456
Oh, smells like show biz
in here.
141
00:05:18,559 --> 00:05:19,599
Smells like Cinnabon.
142
00:05:19,698 --> 00:05:22,388
Well, 'cause that's, uh,
right next door.
143
00:05:22,494 --> 00:05:24,744
You would never, ever know
this was in a strip mall.
144
00:05:24,841 --> 00:05:25,841
Never would know.
145
00:05:25,946 --> 00:05:27,496
Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow.
146
00:05:27,603 --> 00:05:30,683
- Hi. Very big fan.
- Yes.
147
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:32,398
- Okay.
- I don't know. Okay.
148
00:05:32,504 --> 00:05:34,134
- We were supposed to.
- We were supposed to do that.
149
00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:35,820
- Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
- Have a seat, gentlemen.
150
00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:37,891
That was only for
because you're a lady
151
00:05:37,992 --> 00:05:40,442
'not for any other reason.'
152
00:05:40,547 --> 00:05:43,097
- 'Mr. French--'
- We need your magic.
153
00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:46,524
- We need you to do--
- What you did for linoleum.
154
00:05:46,622 --> 00:05:48,002
We need to be your linoleum now.
155
00:05:48,106 --> 00:05:50,446
- Mm, mm.
- 'That's a no or a yes?'
156
00:05:50,557 --> 00:05:51,967
Mm. That's a mm.
157
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:54,245
Okay, this is,
we had discussed on the phone
158
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:58,254
uh, for the recruitment video,
it's $8000.
159
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,638
Let me, let me just, uh, see.
160
00:06:00,739 --> 00:06:04,739
I don't do this
for the money, okay?
161
00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:06,397
- Oh.
- You see what I'm saying?
162
00:06:06,504 --> 00:06:09,754
- Yeah.
- I don't do this to get paid.
163
00:06:09,852 --> 00:06:11,922
- I don't do this to be famous.
- 'Wow!'
164
00:06:12,026 --> 00:06:14,026
I do this out of love.
165
00:06:14,132 --> 00:06:16,382
- This is the best news ever.
- Wow!
166
00:06:16,479 --> 00:06:19,169
So...
Kat Kat...
167
00:06:19,275 --> 00:06:22,275
The thing, though, is...
168
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,762
...I need you...to trust me.
169
00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:28,838
- Oh, we do.
- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
170
00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:30,740
- We don't--
- We don't trust you.
171
00:06:30,838 --> 00:06:33,668
- We do not, not at all, sir.
- Trust me.
172
00:06:33,772 --> 00:06:35,152
As soon as
we can get shooting...
173
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:38,156
We would love to get shooting
just as soon as possible and--
174
00:06:38,259 --> 00:06:40,609
- Four o'clock.
- Great.
175
00:06:40,710 --> 00:06:42,510
Was I supposed to kiss this
the first time? I'm not...
176
00:06:42,609 --> 00:06:44,749
- I'm honestly not positive.
- Trust.
177
00:06:48,235 --> 00:06:49,475
That was a yes, right?
178
00:06:50,858 --> 00:06:51,788
Boy, I hope so.
179
00:06:51,894 --> 00:06:54,694
[instrumental music]
180
00:06:54,793 --> 00:06:57,973
This is the last
nice place in town, too.
181
00:06:58,072 --> 00:07:00,422
- Terry!
- Sheriff's department.
182
00:07:00,523 --> 00:07:01,703
- 'Shh...'
- Sheriff's department.
183
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,280
- Don't shush us.
- Don't you shush us.
184
00:07:03,388 --> 00:07:04,458
Don't you shush us.
185
00:07:04,562 --> 00:07:06,152
Don't run. Don't flee.
Don't flee.
186
00:07:06,253 --> 00:07:08,533
Don't you flee. Don't you flee
and don't shush us.
187
00:07:08,635 --> 00:07:09,765
- Terry.
- Shh.
188
00:07:09,877 --> 00:07:11,947
Who's been hosting
story time here?
189
00:07:12,052 --> 00:07:13,262
Which, by the way they love, yes
190
00:07:13,363 --> 00:07:14,683
and they love
that you do that as--
191
00:07:14,779 --> 00:07:17,129
- It is so fun.
- It is fun.
192
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:18,989
I think I'm addicted
to story time.
193
00:07:19,093 --> 00:07:20,273
You're addicted to storytelling?
194
00:07:20,370 --> 00:07:22,750
Addicted. What
an interesting word to use.
195
00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:24,576
- Addicted to telling stories.
- So, hey, you got a call.
196
00:07:24,685 --> 00:07:25,685
- Ring, ring.
- Yes.
197
00:07:25,790 --> 00:07:27,000
Oh, mime it out for us.
That's great.
198
00:07:27,101 --> 00:07:28,661
- You be me.
- Okay.
199
00:07:28,758 --> 00:07:30,238
Lieutenant Jim Dangle.
You be me.
200
00:07:30,346 --> 00:07:31,346
Sheriff's department.
201
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,071
- It's me, Jim Dangle.
- Great.
202
00:07:33,176 --> 00:07:35,246
Here's the other end of the
phone. This is very important.
203
00:07:35,351 --> 00:07:38,151
Hello. Uh, this is Susan
from the library.
204
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,940
You know that Terry Bernadino
is down here
205
00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:41,495
doing community service.
206
00:07:41,599 --> 00:07:43,909
He was hosting a story time.
207
00:07:44,015 --> 00:07:46,465
He said he put up fliers
saying he was going to read
208
00:07:46,569 --> 00:07:49,229
"Moby-Dick" to the children.
209
00:07:49,330 --> 00:07:51,950
Then it turned
into not a reading at all
210
00:07:52,057 --> 00:07:55,437
but more of a puppet show
that he was calling "Moby-Dick."
211
00:07:55,544 --> 00:07:58,034
[as Dangle]
Terry would never do that.
He's my best friend.
212
00:07:58,132 --> 00:07:59,932
Yes, he would.
He would do that.
213
00:08:00,031 --> 00:08:01,901
No. That sounds exactly
like something he would do.
214
00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:04,448
- In fact, here's another call.
- Who's on the other line?
215
00:08:04,553 --> 00:08:05,903
- Hi. Terry.
- Terry, hi.
216
00:08:06,002 --> 00:08:07,312
It's Lieutenant Jim Dangle
from Reno Sheriff's Department.
217
00:08:07,417 --> 00:08:09,067
- I'm in the shower.
- I'm gonna add in Jones.
218
00:08:09,178 --> 00:08:10,348
Describe the puppet show, Terry.
219
00:08:10,455 --> 00:08:13,145
What was the reading
of "Moby-Dick" like?
220
00:08:13,251 --> 00:08:15,181
It's about a whale or something
221
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:18,287
and he's in the sea
and stuff happens
222
00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:19,884
and then the show is over.
223
00:08:19,982 --> 00:08:21,922
Did you paint something
on yourself?
224
00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:25,018
- I painted some stuff.
- What did you paint?
225
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:28,085
Um, you know, my body.
226
00:08:28,197 --> 00:08:29,717
You painted
what part of your body, Terry?
227
00:08:29,819 --> 00:08:30,959
- Let's all hang up our phones.
- Yeah.
228
00:08:31,062 --> 00:08:33,482
Did you make a little whale face
on there?
229
00:08:33,582 --> 00:08:35,862
- Yeah, he did.
- That's not even a good wha--
230
00:08:35,962 --> 00:08:37,862
- It's not terrible.
- No, no, no, no, no.
231
00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:39,585
- Watch the blowhole.
- Nope.
232
00:08:39,691 --> 00:08:41,311
- Oh, God.
- Time to go. Time to go.
233
00:08:41,417 --> 00:08:44,347
[instrumental music]
234
00:08:47,699 --> 00:08:49,599
[siren wailing]
235
00:08:51,289 --> 00:08:53,879
- So you got your tubes tied.
- 'Yep.'
236
00:08:53,981 --> 00:08:56,951
That means you can have sex
without a condom.
237
00:08:57,053 --> 00:08:58,573
- Yep.
- 'Yeah.'
238
00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:01,779
Let's see how you look on camera
over here.
239
00:09:01,886 --> 00:09:04,576
We're just gonna get
a little bit of a camera test
240
00:09:04,682 --> 00:09:06,962
if you will. You are trapped
inside of a cage.
241
00:09:07,063 --> 00:09:10,523
I want you to let her out.
242
00:09:10,619 --> 00:09:12,449
- Raar!
- 'Yes. Let her out.'
243
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,382
Now, turn around a little bit.
Turn around.
244
00:09:14,484 --> 00:09:15,734
- Turn around.
- Raar!
245
00:09:15,831 --> 00:09:19,591
'All the way around. Yes.
Yes. Crawl. Yes.'
246
00:09:19,697 --> 00:09:22,977
You're swimming. You're
swimming out of that cage.
247
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:25,289
- Yes. Yes.
- I'm swimming.
248
00:09:25,392 --> 00:09:26,572
- I'm swimming.
- 'Okay.'
249
00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:28,569
Now, Kat Kat, make sure
you get her up and down.
250
00:09:28,671 --> 00:09:30,541
'Now stay turned around.
Stay turned around that way.'
251
00:09:30,639 --> 00:09:32,329
- Yes. Oh.
- Raar!
252
00:09:32,433 --> 00:09:33,473
Yes!
253
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,923
[instrumental music]
254
00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:39,989
If you come in my neighborhood
and smoke dope, you get--
255
00:09:40,096 --> 00:09:42,166
Alright. Okay. Oh, yeah?
256
00:09:42,271 --> 00:09:44,481
[chuckles]
Hot shot, right?
257
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,214
Speedy Gonzales. Guess what?
258
00:09:46,309 --> 00:09:48,859
He booked the wrong
mother[bleep] to run away from
259
00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:52,107
because I'm in shape.
I'm in real good shape.
260
00:09:52,212 --> 00:09:54,562
The only thing you got to do
at this age is make sure
261
00:09:54,663 --> 00:09:57,843
you warm yourself up
so you don't pull a...
262
00:09:57,942 --> 00:09:59,532
Oh, [bleep].
263
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,433
Oh! Oh, [bleep] it.
264
00:10:03,741 --> 00:10:05,921
Ugh! Okay. Oh, [bleep].
265
00:10:06,019 --> 00:10:07,329
Can't you turn
the [bleep] thing off?
266
00:10:07,434 --> 00:10:11,204
I am having a full-on
[bleep] heart attack.
267
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:14,030
[grunting]
268
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:16,650
[bleep]. Ah! Okay.
269
00:10:16,754 --> 00:10:18,244
It's happened before.
I'll be good.
270
00:10:18,341 --> 00:10:20,721
Okay, this is a good one.
271
00:10:20,827 --> 00:10:23,547
Oh, yeah.
You got any baby aspirin?
272
00:10:24,693 --> 00:10:27,633
[siren wailing]
273
00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:33,672
Sir, I don't feel like
this is fitting right.
274
00:10:33,771 --> 00:10:35,701
[Levon]
'Yes. Oh, look
at how lovely you look--'
275
00:10:35,807 --> 00:10:37,257
- It's not backwards?
- 'No, no, no.'
276
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,570
I-it's absolutely perfect.
You got the footies on right.
277
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,053
That's how you know
it's not backwards
278
00:10:41,157 --> 00:10:42,847
or else they'd be hanging
off the back of your foot.
279
00:10:42,952 --> 00:10:44,992
- Okay.
- Yes. Yes.
280
00:10:45,092 --> 00:10:47,582
The suit was a little damp
when I put it on.
281
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:50,651
Oh, it smells so good.
That's intoxicating.
282
00:10:50,753 --> 00:10:53,103
I can't take full credit
for that, I'm afraid.
283
00:10:53,204 --> 00:10:55,794
You're going to move around
284
00:10:55,896 --> 00:11:00,176
and, uh, uh, the camera
is gonna get your motions, okay?
285
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,390
Oh, it's gonna capture
my motions?
286
00:11:02,489 --> 00:11:03,939
- Yes.
- Okay.
287
00:11:04,042 --> 00:11:06,222
I'm just gonna put a little
smiley face on your vagina.
288
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,010
- Oh, okay.
- Lookit. Yes.
289
00:11:08,115 --> 00:11:09,765
- Can I ask a question?
- What's that?
290
00:11:09,876 --> 00:11:12,146
Why would you need
to reference my vagina
291
00:11:12,257 --> 00:11:13,777
for the commercial?
292
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,330
See, the thing is, you know,
the police is a ugly business.
293
00:11:17,435 --> 00:11:18,985
We all know
this is ugly business.
294
00:11:19,092 --> 00:11:21,162
There's some things
you just got to, you know
295
00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:24,056
you got to be adult about. Yes.
296
00:11:24,166 --> 00:11:26,096
Yes. You're running
from the police.
297
00:11:26,202 --> 00:11:27,412
- Yes. Yes.
- Am I doing it right?
298
00:11:27,514 --> 00:11:28,584
Yes. Here. Let me keep you--
299
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,208
This is the first time
I've ever done this.
300
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,590
Yes. I hear that all the time.
301
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,182
Now you're getting caught.
Now you're trying to get away.
302
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:36,800
- You're holding me tight.
- Oh, yes. Yes.
303
00:11:36,903 --> 00:11:38,703
Well, I can't let you go.
I'm the police.
304
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:41,801
Please, please,
I don't want to go to jail.
305
00:11:41,908 --> 00:11:43,318
Yes. You don't want
to go to jail.
306
00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:44,876
- Are you catching this?
- Say, "I've been a bad girl."
307
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:48,160
- I've been a bad girl.
- Yes. Yes.
308
00:11:48,259 --> 00:11:49,259
Now make a choking sound.
309
00:11:49,363 --> 00:11:52,303
[instrumental music]
310
00:11:54,161 --> 00:11:55,821
I love rush week.
311
00:11:55,922 --> 00:11:56,892
- Yeah.
- Love it.
312
00:11:56,992 --> 00:11:58,862
- Hey, guys.
- Love you!
313
00:11:58,959 --> 00:12:00,309
Hey, you want
to have your car washed?
314
00:12:00,409 --> 00:12:02,239
- 'How you doing?'
- Hi.
315
00:12:02,342 --> 00:12:05,352
We wanted to see
if we could get a, uh
316
00:12:05,448 --> 00:12:07,378
kind of, get a freebie.
317
00:12:08,969 --> 00:12:11,109
Yeah, because we figured,
like, you know
318
00:12:11,213 --> 00:12:13,943
you're serving the community
and we're serving the community.
319
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,673
'We're both
serving the community.'
320
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,049
Yeah. You know.
321
00:12:17,150 --> 00:12:20,570
You wash our back
and we'll wash your front.
322
00:12:20,670 --> 00:12:22,710
- That's not what he meant.
- Girls!
323
00:12:22,811 --> 00:12:24,571
Girls, it's gonna be
a cop freebie today.
324
00:12:24,674 --> 00:12:26,504
- Alright.
- Cop freebie.
325
00:12:26,607 --> 00:12:27,817
'Put them on the glass!'
326
00:12:27,919 --> 00:12:29,679
Don't tell them
to put them on the glass.
327
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:30,893
Thanks, guys.
328
00:12:30,991 --> 00:12:32,481
Oh, we should've brought beers.
329
00:12:32,579 --> 00:12:34,549
- We should've, completely.
- We should've brought beers.
330
00:12:34,650 --> 00:12:35,690
What the hell were we thinking?
331
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,309
Why weren't we thinking?
332
00:12:37,411 --> 00:12:39,241
- Hey.
- 'Hey, how you doing?'
333
00:12:39,344 --> 00:12:41,734
Great. How's it looking?
How's it looking?
334
00:12:41,830 --> 00:12:43,940
It looked great from in here,
but we can't see the car.
335
00:12:44,039 --> 00:12:45,389
Good. Alright. Okay.
336
00:12:45,488 --> 00:12:46,768
- Well, we're all done.
- Bye, you guys.
337
00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:48,279
Move out of the way, bitches.
338
00:12:48,388 --> 00:12:49,908
Don't say,
"Put them on the glass"
339
00:12:50,010 --> 00:12:51,530
and don't call them bitches.
340
00:12:51,632 --> 00:12:53,572
Sorry. Hey. Bye.
341
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:56,149
[instrumental music]
342
00:12:56,258 --> 00:12:58,668
That turquoise bikini top,
she was just too big.
343
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,088
[Jones]
'Live a little.'
344
00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:01,883
- 'You're saying I don't live?'
- I guess not.
345
00:13:01,988 --> 00:13:03,198
You're saying I don't live
346
00:13:03,299 --> 00:13:05,129
just because I don't like
a triple-E cup.
347
00:13:05,232 --> 00:13:07,202
I don't know who you are.
348
00:13:07,303 --> 00:13:10,073
- You think you know someone.
- I like a solid D.
349
00:13:10,168 --> 00:13:13,068
[instrumental music]
350
00:13:14,690 --> 00:13:17,590
[Levon]
'We're here to recruit people.'
351
00:13:17,693 --> 00:13:21,943
We want the people to see you
352
00:13:22,042 --> 00:13:25,462
and want to be a policeman.
353
00:13:25,563 --> 00:13:28,643
I-I get a feeling from you
354
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:30,218
that something...
355
00:13:32,121 --> 00:13:34,331
You were a little boy,
something happened.
356
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,164
- I don't do that.
- 'Something happened.'
357
00:13:36,263 --> 00:13:38,023
- Nah.
- 'It's for the video.'
358
00:13:38,127 --> 00:13:40,337
- No, no, no.
- I need you to trust me.
359
00:13:42,304 --> 00:13:43,864
- I had a teacher.
- 'Uh-huh?'
360
00:13:45,203 --> 00:13:47,553
And she would have us
come up to the board
361
00:13:47,654 --> 00:13:50,934
and this one day,
I had been looking at, um...
362
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:55,594
...I'd been looking at this
g-girl's breasts in the, uh...
363
00:13:56,663 --> 00:13:57,913
Yes.
364
00:13:59,286 --> 00:14:01,076
'And I had a, an erection.'
365
00:14:01,185 --> 00:14:02,875
Inside the classroom, you mean?
366
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:05,120
I said, "I'll do it any other
time, just not this time."
367
00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:06,363
'Oh, yes.'
368
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:09,466
And that is what I mean
by the trust.
369
00:14:09,572 --> 00:14:11,132
Kat Kat, camera.
370
00:14:13,059 --> 00:14:15,269
'Officer Declan,
I'm gonna ask you to stand up.'
371
00:14:16,372 --> 00:14:18,312
No, I-I'll do it...
Not now.
372
00:14:18,409 --> 00:14:21,309
[instrumental music]
373
00:14:24,691 --> 00:14:26,621
[siren wailing]
374
00:14:27,349 --> 00:14:29,559
You think
that we'll be in the commercial?
375
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:31,631
Do you think
they'll use stunt people?
376
00:14:31,732 --> 00:14:33,252
I think
it's probably gonna be a mix.
377
00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:34,595
Like, stunt people.
378
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:37,771
So it's like,
we look at the camera and say
379
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,637
"Reno, where the action is"
and then--
380
00:14:39,740 --> 00:14:41,090
Stunt, stunt, stunts.
381
00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:43,300
We turn around and then
a stunt guy turns around--
382
00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:44,749
Yeah. Somebody on wires.
383
00:14:44,849 --> 00:14:45,949
Somebody on a wire
doing wire fu.
384
00:14:46,057 --> 00:14:47,397
Do a wire fu.
385
00:14:47,507 --> 00:14:49,367
I said, "You know, hey,
we're spending 8000 bucks
386
00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:51,174
don't-don't Jew us
on the wire fu."
387
00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:54,169
[instrumental music]
388
00:14:55,756 --> 00:14:58,236
We very much appreciate
your visit to Reno.
389
00:14:58,345 --> 00:14:59,895
- And don't come again.
- Thank you.
390
00:15:00,002 --> 00:15:01,622
Now we're gonna take you
to the county line
391
00:15:01,728 --> 00:15:04,418
into beautiful, wonderful
Sparks, Nevada.
392
00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:06,944
- Ah!
- Ah.
393
00:15:08,183 --> 00:15:11,913
Well, well, well,
well, well, well.
394
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:13,154
Sparks Sheriff's Department.
395
00:15:13,257 --> 00:15:15,737
...Dingleberry
and Walking Small.
396
00:15:17,399 --> 00:15:19,989
- Oh. Look at that.
- Look at that.
397
00:15:20,091 --> 00:15:22,851
I just added, I added to
the real-estate value of Sparks
398
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,266
by spitting at it.
399
00:15:24,371 --> 00:15:26,751
Well, here, let me help you out
with your water supply.
400
00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:28,266
[spitting]
There you go.
401
00:15:28,375 --> 00:15:30,715
Oh, I'll do it again.
How about that? Look at that.
402
00:15:30,826 --> 00:15:32,616
Let's take a swim in Lake Reno.
403
00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,004
- Oh. Look at this. Wait.
- Yeah.
404
00:15:34,105 --> 00:15:36,275
I'm spitting
in your jurisdiction.
405
00:15:36,383 --> 00:15:37,593
How do you feel about that?
406
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,105
Hold on. Hold on.
I'm running out of spit.
407
00:15:39,214 --> 00:15:41,044
I'm running out of spit, too.
Let's give it a second.
408
00:15:41,147 --> 00:15:43,387
'Give it a second. Give it
a second. Give it a second.'
409
00:15:43,494 --> 00:15:44,704
Let's all get
a little more spit.
410
00:15:44,805 --> 00:15:46,595
How's it doing
over there in Sparks?
411
00:15:46,704 --> 00:15:49,124
I hear your library got a book.
412
00:15:49,224 --> 00:15:50,404
- And...
- Thank you.
413
00:15:50,501 --> 00:15:52,811
And I heard
it's not all the way colored in.
414
00:15:54,229 --> 00:15:57,439
You guys don't even have sex
with your own family
415
00:15:57,542 --> 00:16:00,962
because not even your family
416
00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:02,583
wants to have sex with you--
417
00:16:02,685 --> 00:16:04,855
...letting out enough rope
to hang yourself.
418
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,414
Did you understand
what you even just said?
419
00:16:06,517 --> 00:16:08,517
I'm saying
that our families are sexy
420
00:16:08,622 --> 00:16:10,902
'cause, so, of course, they want
to have sex with each other.
421
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:14,354
You are dangerously close to
stepping into our jurisdiction.
422
00:16:14,456 --> 00:16:16,146
Your gun's in Reno!
Your gun's in Reno.
423
00:16:16,251 --> 00:16:18,701
- Do it again. Do it again.
- Fine.
424
00:16:18,805 --> 00:16:20,145
[indistinct chattering]
425
00:16:20,255 --> 00:16:23,355
Come on! Offensive line!
Offensive line!
426
00:16:23,465 --> 00:16:25,285
- Now you're in ours!
- [bleep].
427
00:16:25,398 --> 00:16:26,878
[bleep]. They got me
fair and square.
428
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,226
I don't want to go to jail
in Sparks, man!
429
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,093
Don't let me go to jail
in Sparks, man!
430
00:16:31,197 --> 00:16:32,437
Do you know what they do to you?
431
00:16:32,543 --> 00:16:34,033
Could we get a jump?
432
00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:37,031
[instrumental music]
433
00:16:38,514 --> 00:16:40,214
[Rizzo]
'Cindy, uh, Cindy, hi.'
434
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:42,859
Uh, in my locker
435
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:45,757
there were, uh, three jars
of-of urine, of my urine.
436
00:16:45,866 --> 00:16:47,346
- Yes. I saw it.
- Yes.
437
00:16:47,454 --> 00:16:50,114
And they're no longer there
and it's my locker and...
438
00:16:50,216 --> 00:16:51,696
Just, my locker is my stuff
439
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:54,673
and I'm just wondering where,
where the jars of urine are.
440
00:16:54,772 --> 00:16:56,082
Oh, it's in the garbage.
441
00:16:56,187 --> 00:16:59,287
Lieutenant asked me, he asked me
to clean all the locker.
442
00:16:59,397 --> 00:17:02,497
Did you notice I fold all your
clothes and I clean your gun?
443
00:17:02,607 --> 00:17:04,437
That was very,
that was very nice of you.
444
00:17:04,540 --> 00:17:07,960
I put a little deodorant tree
inside for you.
445
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,650
Oh, well, that was very nice.
No. It smells good.
446
00:17:09,752 --> 00:17:11,552
It's little overpowering,
it's very lemony now
447
00:17:11,651 --> 00:17:12,581
but that's okay.
448
00:17:12,685 --> 00:17:14,195
Next time I'll do lavender.
449
00:17:14,309 --> 00:17:15,999
Next time do nothing.
450
00:17:16,104 --> 00:17:18,284
You ready? You want
an invitation or what?
451
00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:19,942
[Rizzo]
'Uh, one minute.'
452
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,589
I just wanna make sure
I get the right form.
453
00:17:22,695 --> 00:17:24,005
[whispering]
Can you pee in a cup?
454
00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:25,462
- Yeah. Sure.
- Great.
455
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,670
I don't wanna watch.
I just need you to pee in a cup.
456
00:17:27,770 --> 00:17:29,740
- For $5.
- Great.
457
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:32,781
[instrumental music]
458
00:17:35,813 --> 00:17:37,883
Officer Jones.
459
00:17:39,230 --> 00:17:40,130
Yes, sir.
460
00:17:40,231 --> 00:17:41,961
Uh, first thing first
461
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,991
you didn't park in front
of Cinnabon, did you?
462
00:17:45,305 --> 00:17:46,335
Oh, [bleep].
463
00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:48,859
Yeah. Yeah.
464
00:17:48,964 --> 00:17:50,414
[door opens]
465
00:17:50,517 --> 00:17:51,687
You've to take care of that
because
466
00:17:51,794 --> 00:17:53,764
you, you know
they'll tow anybody.
467
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:57,385
He's a evil, evil man,
runs the Cinnabon over there.
468
00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:59,870
It's like he doesn't even smell
the deliciousness
469
00:17:59,975 --> 00:18:01,595
in his own establishment.
470
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:04,601
[instrumental music]
471
00:18:05,291 --> 00:18:06,461
Hi, Junior!
472
00:18:06,568 --> 00:18:09,088
- How you doing today?
- 'I'm pleasant.'
473
00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:11,571
[Williams]
You know why we're here, honey?
474
00:18:11,676 --> 00:18:14,506
Uh, do you guys wanna finish
our game of backgammon?
475
00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:17,720
- No. That's not it.
- Take another guess.
476
00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,680
♪ Bath time ♪ Bath time ♪
477
00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:20,998
- No.
- No.
478
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,520
Were you up,
maybe up on the roof up there
479
00:18:23,619 --> 00:18:26,419
taking potshots at the freeway?
480
00:18:26,519 --> 00:18:29,659
Did I...
Do I know anything about that?
481
00:18:29,763 --> 00:18:31,733
Do you know anything about that?
482
00:18:31,834 --> 00:18:33,324
Standing on the roof
shooting at the freeway?
483
00:18:33,422 --> 00:18:35,112
- Yes.
- No.
484
00:18:35,217 --> 00:18:36,487
You don't know anything
about that?
485
00:18:36,598 --> 00:18:38,598
- Uh, I--
- Carmen?
486
00:18:38,703 --> 00:18:40,023
Yes, Ms. Williams?
487
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,669
Who's been on the roof
shooting at the freeway?
488
00:18:43,777 --> 00:18:44,947
I have.
489
00:18:45,054 --> 00:18:46,924
- 'Yeah.'
- That's true.
490
00:18:47,022 --> 00:18:48,472
Got up on the roof,
and I was, like
491
00:18:48,575 --> 00:18:52,095
"Hey, I'm gonna make
water balloons."
492
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,440
- And then I saw my daddy's gun.
- Yeah.
493
00:18:54,547 --> 00:18:56,137
- Why don't you come with us?
- Come on.
494
00:18:56,238 --> 00:18:58,098
- Come where?
- To jail, baby.
495
00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:00,546
- Really?
- Yeah. We're going to the can.
496
00:19:00,656 --> 00:19:02,206
Can we listen to Tone Loc?
497
00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:04,733
We can listen to Tone Loc
anytime you want.
498
00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:07,803
[instrumental music]
499
00:19:11,736 --> 00:19:13,666
[siren wailing]
500
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,434
I think this commercial
is gonna be pretty great.
501
00:19:17,535 --> 00:19:19,985
Uh, I mean
502
00:19:20,089 --> 00:19:22,059
from what
I've seen of what he does
503
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,961
uh, this may end up
being a classic
504
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:28,340
you know, like a real,
"Where's the beef?"
505
00:19:28,443 --> 00:19:30,103
And, uh, plus, I'm in it
506
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,863
wearing a unitard
with a camel toe.
507
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:33,933
So talk about where's the beef.
508
00:19:34,034 --> 00:19:36,354
[laughs]
Ew!
509
00:19:36,451 --> 00:19:39,321
[instrumental music]
510
00:19:39,419 --> 00:19:42,319
Moments ago
this was handed to me
511
00:19:42,422 --> 00:19:44,042
by Levon French
512
00:19:44,148 --> 00:19:46,428
his assistant, Kat Kat.
513
00:19:46,530 --> 00:19:48,080
'It's done.'
514
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,527
'The Reno Sheriff's Department
recruitment video'
515
00:19:50,637 --> 00:19:53,567
$8000 in the making. Ready?
516
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,956
♪ Who wants to be a deputy?
517
00:20:01,061 --> 00:20:04,961
♪ Who wants to be a deputy?
518
00:20:05,065 --> 00:20:09,205
♪ I want to be a deputy
519
00:20:09,311 --> 00:20:12,901
♪ You want to be a deputy
520
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,944
♪ If you want to be a deputy
521
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:17,011
♪ Touch yourself awkwardly
522
00:20:17,112 --> 00:20:18,422
♪ Everybody
523
00:20:19,666 --> 00:20:21,006
♪ Dance party
524
00:20:23,325 --> 00:20:26,115
♪ If you want to be
be a deputy ♪
525
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,115
♪ Touch yourself awkwardly
if you want to be a deputy ♪♪
526
00:20:38,892 --> 00:20:41,032
- I love it!
- 'Whoo-hoo-hoo!'
527
00:20:41,136 --> 00:20:43,236
- So right. It is so good.
- 'Home run!'
528
00:20:43,345 --> 00:20:47,035
[Junior]
'It's better, it's better
than the linoleum commercial.'
529
00:20:47,142 --> 00:20:48,352
Way, way better.
530
00:20:48,454 --> 00:20:50,114
It's exactly the same,
except, way better!
531
00:20:50,214 --> 00:20:53,084
Make room for new deputies!
532
00:20:53,182 --> 00:20:54,812
When the eagle goes by.
533
00:20:54,908 --> 00:20:56,698
- Were you watching--
- Oh, I got chills.
534
00:20:56,807 --> 00:20:58,427
♪ Who wants to be a deputy?
535
00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:00,913
♪ I wanna be a deputy ♪ I wanna be a deputy
536
00:21:01,018 --> 00:21:02,568
♪ Who wants to be a deputy?
537
00:21:02,675 --> 00:21:04,815
♪ I want to be a deputy ♪
538
00:21:04,918 --> 00:21:07,268
[male narrator]
High Sierra Carpeting.
539
00:21:07,369 --> 00:21:08,609
[elephant trumpeting]
540
00:21:09,958 --> 00:21:12,548
None of the TV stations will run
the recruitment commercial.
541
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:13,720
- Why?
- 'Well.'
542
00:21:13,824 --> 00:21:16,244
They gave a couple of reasons.
543
00:21:16,344 --> 00:21:19,214
A big one,
it's seven minutes long.
544
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,522
That why it's so good.
545
00:21:20,624 --> 00:21:21,904
Also, apparently,
I didn't notice
546
00:21:22,004 --> 00:21:23,324
that he says mother[bleep]--
547
00:21:23,420 --> 00:21:24,970
- At the end.
- 'A bunch of times.'
548
00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,836
After the fourth dance break.
549
00:21:27,941 --> 00:21:30,841
They say mother[bleep] on TV
all the time.
550
00:21:30,944 --> 00:21:32,574
You can't say mother[bleep]
on TV.
551
00:21:32,670 --> 00:21:35,740
You can't. Watch.
Mother[bleep]. Watch.
552
00:21:35,846 --> 00:21:37,256
Mother[bleep].
553
00:21:37,365 --> 00:21:38,185
[Dangle]
'Mother[bleep]
would never make it.'
554
00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:39,567
Mother[bleep]!
40920
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