Original subtitles

You know, it is estimated that the American workforce

has lost 80 to 87% of its productivity

after the invention of the Internet.

Thank you, Al Gore.

Uh, they ain't exactly googling it for recipes, either.

What they're doing is they're googling porn.

We at the Reno Sheriff's Department

have, uh, safe search

embedded into each of our computers

but...you can get around that.

What you got to do is you got to break into the matrix.

'Most computers intimidate people'

''cause you think they're too complicated'

'but they're no more complicated than the human brain'

'or a '72 Chevy combustion engine.'

Alright. Release the porn.

[crackling]

[female #1] 'Aah! Oh, my God! What's happening?'

Let's go, Joe. Let's go, Joe.

[instrumental music]

You son of a bitch. Goddamn it!

[explosion]

[tires screeching]

[grunting]

They all have guns!

[explosion]

Whoo-hoo!

Ow!

Push them, push them together?

Get off the bike! Off your bike.

Oh, God!

[siren wailing]

[gunshots]

[clicking]

[grunting]

Huh.

[indistinct chattering]

[screaming]

[crackling]

[siren wailing]

♪ I want some linoleum floors

♪ You want some linoleum floors ♪

♪ Who wants linoleum floors?

♪ Everybody wants linoleum floors ♪

♪ Tiles parquet hardwood? Okay

♪ Bathrooms kitchens

♪ Hallways bitchin'

♪ Linoleum linoleum

♪ We got linoleum floors

♪ Dance party ♪

- Ah, I love that. - I love linoleum guy.

- That's my favorite commercial. - Yeah.

[Dangle] 'What would you say if I told you'

we have just hired

the linoleum floor guy

to do our new recruitment commercial?

- What? - We got him?

I would call you a [bleep] liar.

- We got the linoleum guy? - We got him.

Will we get to meet him?

[Dangle] Get to meet him, have to meet him.

Uh, first off, he has a name. His name is Levon French.

'He says he can do it for the $8000.'

He wants interviews with everybody.

He's gonna shoot some footage with all of us--

Yes!

♪ Who wants linoleum floors?

♪ I want linoleum floors You... ♪

Do that, do that, do that.

♪ Tile parquet hardwood?

♪ Okay ♪

- 'Did you speak to him?' - Of course.

- Yeah? - 'Yeah.'

What does his voice sound like?

He's, um, well, uh

he's very well-spoken...

...for a, for a black guy, and then he's, uh--

By the way, Jim, by the way, Jim, do I speak clearly

and-and, and...

[stammering] and clearly as, for a black man?

- Often, but not right then. - 'Not right then?'

That was a bad example. Go again.

I was gonna be offended, but, uh, you're right.

You got me on that one. That was bad.

[instrumental music]

The old Jeffers' shack was never haunted

never haunted at all.

Old man Jeffers just wanted everybody

to think it was haunted

so he could make crystal meth in it, but don't you worry.

Thanks to you guys

old man Jeffers is going to jail for a very, very long time.

I would've gotten away with it, too

if it wasn't for you [bleep] kids!

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Hey, hey, hey.

[Jeffers] 'I'm gonna kill you kids. You're so [bleep] dead.'

I'm gonna find where you live.

I'm gonna come to your [bleep] house.

I'm gonna kill your families, I'm gonna kill you!

I'm gonna cut your parents' faces off

while you're still alive.

Then I'm gonna skull[bleep] you to the music of their anguish!

You [bleep] kids, you.

You, I'm gonna cut a [bleep]sized hole in your chest

and [bleep] your heart.

I'm gonna kill everyone who ever knew you.

I don't care if I have to get every man, woman and child

in Storey County!

Okay. This is Washoe County, by the way.

It's Storey County!

Oh, crap, are we in Storey County?

- This is Storey County? - Really?

This is Storey county.

- The shack is in Storey County? - The...

Yes. This is Storey County. Look at a [bleep] map!

Where does this become Storey County, after the 40?

- After the 40. - Oh, boy. Oh, boy, boy.

This is, this is not our jurisdiction. Yikes.

Um, wow. That was so our bad.

Uh, old man Jeffers, you are...

Even grown-ups make mistakes.

- So sorry about that. - Here you go, sir.

Sorry for troubling you. Thanks, kids. Way to go.

- Have a great...evening. - And, uh, sorry about that.

The 40 is, uh, that way?

[instrumental music]

You know, Levon French has one of them personalities

that's just magnetic, you know?

I think there's some actors

who I could just watch read the phone book

like Adrienne Barbeau or Burt Reynolds

you know, that you're just sucked in.

And, and Levon French is that kind of man.

Why did you pick only people from "The Cannonball Run?"

Would you say that Dom DeLuise

you could watch him read the phone book, too?

Yeah. Dude, if he could keep a straight face...

I don't think he could, old bum DeLuise.

[instrumental music]

Oh, smells like show biz in here.

Smells like Cinnabon.

Well, 'cause that's, uh, right next door.

You would never, ever know this was in a strip mall.

Never would know.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow.

- Hi. Very big fan. - Yes.

- Okay. - I don't know. Okay.

- We were supposed to. - We were supposed to do that.

- Very nice to meet you, ma'am. - Have a seat, gentlemen.

That was only for because you're a lady

'not for any other reason.'

- 'Mr. French--' - We need your magic.

- We need you to do-- - What you did for linoleum.

We need to be your linoleum now.

- Mm, mm. - 'That's a no or a yes?'

Mm. That's a mm.

Okay, this is, we had discussed on the phone

uh, for the recruitment video, it's $8000.

Let me, let me just, uh, see.

I don't do this for the money, okay?

- Oh. - You see what I'm saying?

- Yeah. - I don't do this to get paid.

- I don't do this to be famous. - 'Wow!'

I do this out of love.

- This is the best news ever. - Wow!

So... Kat Kat...

The thing, though, is...

...I need you...to trust me.

- Oh, we do. - Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- We don't-- - We don't trust you.

- We do not, not at all, sir. - Trust me.

As soon as we can get shooting...

We would love to get shooting just as soon as possible and--

- Four o'clock. - Great.

Was I supposed to kiss this the first time? I'm not...

- I'm honestly not positive. - Trust.

That was a yes, right?

Boy, I hope so.

[instrumental music]

This is the last nice place in town, too.

- Terry! - Sheriff's department.

- 'Shh...' - Sheriff's department.

- Don't shush us. - Don't you shush us.

Don't you shush us.

Don't run. Don't flee. Don't flee.

Don't you flee. Don't you flee and don't shush us.

- Terry. - Shh.

Who's been hosting story time here?

Which, by the way they love, yes

and they love that you do that as--

- It is so fun. - It is fun.

I think I'm addicted to story time.

You're addicted to storytelling?

Addicted. What an interesting word to use.

- Addicted to telling stories. - So, hey, you got a call.

- Ring, ring. - Yes.

Oh, mime it out for us. That's great.

- You be me. - Okay.

Lieutenant Jim Dangle. You be me.

Sheriff's department.

- It's me, Jim Dangle. - Great.

Here's the other end of the phone. This is very important.

Hello. Uh, this is Susan from the library.

You know that Terry Bernadino is down here

doing community service.

He was hosting a story time.

He said he put up fliers saying he was going to read

"Moby-Dick" to the children.

Then it turned into not a reading at all

but more of a puppet show that he was calling "Moby-Dick."

[as Dangle] Terry would never do that. He's my best friend.

Yes, he would. He would do that.

No. That sounds exactly like something he would do.

- In fact, here's another call. - Who's on the other line?

- Hi. Terry. - Terry, hi.

It's Lieutenant Jim Dangle from Reno Sheriff's Department.

- I'm in the shower. - I'm gonna add in Jones.

Describe the puppet show, Terry.

What was the reading of "Moby-Dick" like?

It's about a whale or something

and he's in the sea and stuff happens

and then the show is over.

Did you paint something on yourself?

- I painted some stuff. - What did you paint?

Um, you know, my body.

You painted what part of your body, Terry?

- Let's all hang up our phones. - Yeah.

Did you make a little whale face on there?

- Yeah, he did. - That's not even a good wha--

- It's not terrible. - No, no, no, no, no.

- Watch the blowhole. - Nope.

- Oh, God. - Time to go. Time to go.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

- So you got your tubes tied. - 'Yep.'

That means you can have sex without a condom.

- Yep. - 'Yeah.'

Let's see how you look on camera over here.

We're just gonna get a little bit of a camera test

if you will. You are trapped inside of a cage.

I want you to let her out.

- Raar! - 'Yes. Let her out.'

Now, turn around a little bit. Turn around.

- Turn around. - Raar!

'All the way around. Yes. Yes. Crawl. Yes.'

You're swimming. You're swimming out of that cage.

- Yes. Yes. - I'm swimming.

- I'm swimming. - 'Okay.'

Now, Kat Kat, make sure you get her up and down.

'Now stay turned around. Stay turned around that way.'

- Yes. Oh. - Raar!

Yes!

[instrumental music]

If you come in my neighborhood and smoke dope, you get--

Alright. Okay. Oh, yeah?

[chuckles] Hot shot, right?

Speedy Gonzales. Guess what?

He booked the wrong mother[bleep] to run away from

because I'm in shape. I'm in real good shape.

The only thing you got to do at this age is make sure

you warm yourself up so you don't pull a...

Oh, [bleep].

Oh! Oh, [bleep] it.

Ugh! Okay. Oh, [bleep].

Can't you turn the [bleep] thing off?

I am having a full-on [bleep] heart attack.

[grunting]

[bleep]. Ah! Okay.

It's happened before. I'll be good.

Okay, this is a good one.

Oh, yeah. You got any baby aspirin?

[siren wailing]

Sir, I don't feel like this is fitting right.

[Levon] 'Yes. Oh, look at how lovely you look--'

- It's not backwards? - 'No, no, no.'

I-it's absolutely perfect. You got the footies on right.

That's how you know it's not backwards

or else they'd be hanging off the back of your foot.

- Okay. - Yes. Yes.

The suit was a little damp when I put it on.

Oh, it smells so good. That's intoxicating.

I can't take full credit for that, I'm afraid.

You're going to move around

and, uh, uh, the camera is gonna get your motions, okay?

Oh, it's gonna capture my motions?

- Yes. - Okay.

I'm just gonna put a little smiley face on your vagina.

- Oh, okay. - Lookit. Yes.

- Can I ask a question? - What's that?

Why would you need to reference my vagina

for the commercial?

See, the thing is, you know, the police is a ugly business.

We all know this is ugly business.

There's some things you just got to, you know

you got to be adult about. Yes.

Yes. You're running from the police.

- Yes. Yes. - Am I doing it right?

Yes. Here. Let me keep you--

This is the first time I've ever done this.

Yes. I hear that all the time.

Now you're getting caught. Now you're trying to get away.

- You're holding me tight. - Oh, yes. Yes.

Well, I can't let you go. I'm the police.

Please, please, I don't want to go to jail.

Yes. You don't want to go to jail.

- Are you catching this? - Say, "I've been a bad girl."

- I've been a bad girl. - Yes. Yes.

Now make a choking sound.

[instrumental music]

I love rush week.

- Yeah. - Love it.

- Hey, guys. - Love you!

Hey, you want to have your car washed?

- 'How you doing?' - Hi.

We wanted to see if we could get a, uh

kind of, get a freebie.

Yeah, because we figured, like, you know

you're serving the community and we're serving the community.

'We're both serving the community.'

Yeah. You know.

You wash our back and we'll wash your front.

- That's not what he meant. - Girls!

Girls, it's gonna be a cop freebie today.

- Alright. - Cop freebie.

'Put them on the glass!'

Don't tell them to put them on the glass.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, we should've brought beers.

- We should've, completely. - We should've brought beers.

What the hell were we thinking?

Why weren't we thinking?

- Hey. - 'Hey, how you doing?'

Great. How's it looking? How's it looking?

It looked great from in here, but we can't see the car.

Good. Alright. Okay.

- Well, we're all done. - Bye, you guys.

Move out of the way, bitches.

Don't say, "Put them on the glass"

and don't call them bitches.

Sorry. Hey. Bye.

[instrumental music]

That turquoise bikini top, she was just too big.

[Jones] 'Live a little.'

- 'You're saying I don't live?' - I guess not.

You're saying I don't live

just because I don't like a triple-E cup.

I don't know who you are.

- You think you know someone. - I like a solid D.

[instrumental music]

[Levon] 'We're here to recruit people.'

We want the people to see you

and want to be a policeman.

I-I get a feeling from you

that something...

You were a little boy, something happened.

- I don't do that. - 'Something happened.'

- Nah. - 'It's for the video.'

- No, no, no. - I need you to trust me.

- I had a teacher. - 'Uh-huh?'

And she would have us come up to the board

and this one day, I had been looking at, um...

...I'd been looking at this g-girl's breasts in the, uh...

Yes.

'And I had a, an erection.'

Inside the classroom, you mean?

I said, "I'll do it any other time, just not this time."

'Oh, yes.'

And that is what I mean by the trust.

Kat Kat, camera.

'Officer Declan, I'm gonna ask you to stand up.'

No, I-I'll do it... Not now.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

You think that we'll be in the commercial?

Do you think they'll use stunt people?

I think it's probably gonna be a mix.

Like, stunt people.

So it's like, we look at the camera and say

"Reno, where the action is" and then--

Stunt, stunt, stunts.

We turn around and then a stunt guy turns around--

Yeah. Somebody on wires.

Somebody on a wire doing wire fu.

Do a wire fu.

I said, "You know, hey, we're spending 8000 bucks

don't-don't Jew us on the wire fu."

[instrumental music]

We very much appreciate your visit to Reno.

- And don't come again. - Thank you.

Now we're gonna take you to the county line

into beautiful, wonderful Sparks, Nevada.

- Ah! - Ah.

Well, well, well, well, well, well.

Sparks Sheriff's Department.

...Dingleberry and Walking Small.

- Oh. Look at that. - Look at that.

I just added, I added to the real-estate value of Sparks

by spitting at it.

Well, here, let me help you out with your water supply.

[spitting] There you go.

Oh, I'll do it again. How about that? Look at that.

Let's take a swim in Lake Reno.

- Oh. Look at this. Wait. - Yeah.

I'm spitting in your jurisdiction.

How do you feel about that?

Hold on. Hold on. I'm running out of spit.

I'm running out of spit, too. Let's give it a second.

'Give it a second. Give it a second. Give it a second.'

Let's all get a little more spit.

How's it doing over there in Sparks?

I hear your library got a book.

- And... - Thank you.

And I heard it's not all the way colored in.

You guys don't even have sex with your own family

because not even your family

wants to have sex with you--

...letting out enough rope to hang yourself.

Did you understand what you even just said?

I'm saying that our families are sexy

'cause, so, of course, they want to have sex with each other.

You are dangerously close to stepping into our jurisdiction.

Your gun's in Reno! Your gun's in Reno.

- Do it again. Do it again. - Fine.

[indistinct chattering]

Come on! Offensive line! Offensive line!

- Now you're in ours! - [bleep].

[bleep]. They got me fair and square.

I don't want to go to jail in Sparks, man!

Don't let me go to jail in Sparks, man!

Do you know what they do to you?

Could we get a jump?

[instrumental music]

[Rizzo] 'Cindy, uh, Cindy, hi.'

Uh, in my locker

there were, uh, three jars of-of urine, of my urine.

- Yes. I saw it. - Yes.

And they're no longer there and it's my locker and...

Just, my locker is my stuff

and I'm just wondering where, where the jars of urine are.

Oh, it's in the garbage.

Lieutenant asked me, he asked me to clean all the locker.

Did you notice I fold all your clothes and I clean your gun?

That was very, that was very nice of you.

I put a little deodorant tree inside for you.

Oh, well, that was very nice. No. It smells good.

It's little overpowering, it's very lemony now

but that's okay.

Next time I'll do lavender.

Next time do nothing.

You ready? You want an invitation or what?

[Rizzo] 'Uh, one minute.'

I just wanna make sure I get the right form.

[whispering] Can you pee in a cup?

- Yeah. Sure. - Great.

I don't wanna watch. I just need you to pee in a cup.

- For $5. - Great.

[instrumental music]

Officer Jones.

Yes, sir.

Uh, first thing first

you didn't park in front of Cinnabon, did you?

Oh, [bleep].

Yeah. Yeah.

[door opens]

You've to take care of that because

you, you know they'll tow anybody.

He's a evil, evil man, runs the Cinnabon over there.

It's like he doesn't even smell the deliciousness

in his own establishment.

[instrumental music]

Hi, Junior!

- How you doing today? - 'I'm pleasant.'

[Williams] You know why we're here, honey?

Uh, do you guys wanna finish our game of backgammon?

- No. That's not it. - Take another guess.

♪ Bath time ♪ Bath time ♪

- No. - No.

Were you up, maybe up on the roof up there

taking potshots at the freeway?

Did I... Do I know anything about that?

Do you know anything about that?

Standing on the roof shooting at the freeway?

- Yes. - No.

You don't know anything about that?

- Uh, I-- - Carmen?

Yes, Ms. Williams?

Who's been on the roof shooting at the freeway?

I have.

- 'Yeah.' - That's true.

Got up on the roof, and I was, like

"Hey, I'm gonna make water balloons."

- And then I saw my daddy's gun. - Yeah.

- Why don't you come with us? - Come on.

- Come where? - To jail, baby.

- Really? - Yeah. We're going to the can.

Can we listen to Tone Loc?

We can listen to Tone Loc anytime you want.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

I think this commercial is gonna be pretty great.

Uh, I mean

from what I've seen of what he does

uh, this may end up being a classic

you know, like a real, "Where's the beef?"

And, uh, plus, I'm in it

wearing a unitard with a camel toe.

So talk about where's the beef.

[laughs] Ew!

[instrumental music]

Moments ago this was handed to me

by Levon French

his assistant, Kat Kat.

'It's done.'

'The Reno Sheriff's Department recruitment video'

$8000 in the making. Ready?

♪ Who wants to be a deputy?

♪ Who wants to be a deputy?

♪ I want to be a deputy

♪ You want to be a deputy

♪ If you want to be a deputy

♪ Touch yourself awkwardly

♪ Everybody

♪ Dance party

♪ If you want to be be a deputy ♪

♪ Touch yourself awkwardly if you want to be a deputy ♪♪

- I love it! - 'Whoo-hoo-hoo!'

- So right. It is so good. - 'Home run!'

[Junior] 'It's better, it's better than the linoleum commercial.'

Way, way better.

It's exactly the same, except, way better!

Make room for new deputies!

When the eagle goes by.

- Were you watching-- - Oh, I got chills.

♪ Who wants to be a deputy?

♪ I wanna be a deputy ♪ I wanna be a deputy

♪ Who wants to be a deputy?

♪ I want to be a deputy ♪

[male narrator] High Sierra Carpeting.

[elephant trumpeting]

None of the TV stations will run the recruitment commercial.

- Why? - 'Well.'

They gave a couple of reasons.

A big one, it's seven minutes long.

That why it's so good.

Also, apparently, I didn't notice

that he says mother[bleep]--

- At the end. - 'A bunch of times.'

After the fourth dance break.

They say mother[bleep] on TV all the time.

You can't say mother[bleep] on TV.

You can't. Watch. Mother[bleep]. Watch.

Mother[bleep].

[Dangle] 'Mother[bleep] would never make it.'

Mother[bleep]!