Original subtitles

Every single time I do child's pose, out comes a fart.

It's great.

Oh, my [bleep] God! God damn it!

God damn it, that's my bike!

Sheriff's Department! Sheriff's Department!

I need your bike. I need your bike.

No time to discuss it.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching] Oh, ah...

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[objects clattering]

I'm sorry.

I don't...I don't know how to ride a motorcycle at all.

[theme music]

Son of a bitch. God damn it!

[explosion]

[tires screeches]

[coughs] Come on!

They all have guns!

[explosion]

[whooping]

Ow!

Push 'em together?

Sheriff's Department! I need your bike!

Aah!

[siren blaring]

[gunshots]

[empty clicking]

[moans]

Watch. Watch.

Aah!

[explosion]

[siren blaring]

[Dangle] 'You don't have to get an X-ray but if it turns up...'

'I'm just saying, there's a reward if you poop out'

'this young lady's engagement ring.'

Can I get a polite round of applause

for deputy Travis Junior?

[Williams] 'For what?'

'For the beautiful artwork that he did'

for my princess Diana of Wales 10-year memorial tribute.

Junebug, you drew that?

- You [bleep] [bleep]. - I had no idea.

[Dangle] 'Anyway, Travis, thank you very much.'

'It's beautifully done.'

It took me all weekend.

So, this Saturday at 7:30, it's my 10-year tribute to Diana

Princess of Wales.

Um, I hope you all can be there.

Are these for us?

- 'Yeah. Pass them around.' - Alright.

[Williams] 'I would like to, but I can't make it.'

[telephone ringing]

I'll see you there.

- 'No, you won't.' - Yes, I will.

- No, you won't. - Yes, I will.

- No. - I can play this game all day.

You wanna play chess? You wanna play mouth chess?

I'll mouth chess you.

- 'What time is it?' - 7:30.

- [bleep]. Busy. - Really?

- 'Yeah.' - It is mandatory.

I think I got the kids this weekend. Yeah...

'Oh, bring them. They'll love it.'

- It's great for kids. - It'd be good for kids.

- They're terrified of theater. - Big boy, big boy?

Uh, I don't, you know what?

I don't like being referred to as big boy anymore.

Alright. Okay.

Whoever's not there is working Christmas.

So that's how it goes.

'If you're not there, that's fine.'

Lieutenant, legally, are you allowed to do this?

[Dangle] 'Absolutely, if we're gonna start questioning'

'if what each other is doing is legal'

do we wanna pull the, do we wanna pull that

the thread of that sweater?

Start pulling it and pulling it and pulling it

till our teats are flopping about

and we have no sweater left.

I don't want my teats flapping about.

[Declan] 'Nobody wants your teats...'

- No one wants their teats... - Nobody wants that.

[Dangle] 'Let's not worry about... Let's not...'

[music continues]

[Dangle] Hey, mike!

[Junior] You can hear us.

Mike, I know you can hear me.

Pull the [bleep] over.

- Ha ha ha ha! - You got that one?

You don't listen good, do you?

Come on. I'm just out dare deviling.

Oh, son, you're on out there dare deviling?

- Out dare deviling? - That is a very nice suit.

- Out dare deviling. - Thanks.

I would almost go so far as to say

Junior, would you say this is a suspiciously nice suit?

- I wouldn't say that. - Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Facemask, facemask. Five yards, 15 yards.

Would you say it's a suspiciously nice suit?

I was willed this suit.

- Really? - You were willed that suit?

You know, that's not what the people

at the funeral home said, Mike.

It turns out, there's a naked older gentleman in a coffin

the-the perpetrator last seen fleeing on, oh, no.

That's right. The Schwinn banana bike.

- The perfect crime. - The perfect crime.

The perfect crime.

Stealing a suit from a dead man

and getting away on a Schwinn banana bike.

Why would I have the helmet?

If I'm stealing at all, why wouldn't I steal

a fedora or a nice little jack hat?

I was gonna thank you for wearing the helmet

because it is bike safety week.

It is bike safety week.

- Oh, is it? - Yeah.

For you kids at home it is bike safety week.

And always wear a helmet.

[instrumental music]

It smells like a phish concert. Whew!

Kind of smells like Bob Marley's basement or something.

[both] Sheriff's Department!

Sorry, guys. We're just blowing off a little steam.

We're the touring company of Jesus Christ, superstar.

- I'm the star, and uh... - He's Jesus.

So, wow. You couldn't have dropped that any faster.

- Okay. Didn't ask that. - Didn't ask that.

We're here at the Reno playhouse for a week.

We've got two shows on Sunday...

- Knock it off. - No, there's no commercial.

We have discount tickets available at TKTS.

Don't pitch.

We didn't ask for your life history, sir.

Wow.

So, just turn it down and we'll go.

- We'll-we'll leave. - Can I say something?

I'm feeling a little bit persecuted here

because we've been working hard all week.

- Oh, don't play that card. - I'm serious.

Hey, guys, I am trying to get some sleep next door.

Oh, it's Benny buzz kill, everybody.

Because we have two shows tomorrow, okay?

We gotta-I gotta get some sleep.

Are you the one who called, Sir?

I-I'm in the room next-door, 114.

- You're the one who called. - You called on us?

- Thank you for your call. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So we're cool? - We're cool.

- We're cool. - Don't bless us.

- I'm not gonna... - Don't bless us like this.

- It feels like a bless you. - Don't do either one of these.

Don't do anything that's Jesus-like.

Don't do anything that's even Bono-like.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay, thank you.

- That's good. - That's bono-like.

- Knock it off. - Yeah, I am in the show.

- Who are you? You're Judas. - I play Judas.

Thank you for the call. We appreciate it.

- Down. A little bit down. - Down more.

Thank you.

[music continues]

[Declan] 'Hey, can I talk to you, Cindy?'

- 'Yeah.' - 'A laundry problem again.'

I give you 11 pounds of laundry.

- Okay. - I got 11 pounds back...

- Okay. - None of it mine.

Oh, yes. I remember your-your laundry.

Okay. It's like XXL white t-shirt, undershirt.

- Right? - Yup, yup.

There's gonna be about eight of them.

- Is that yours? - Yup. Mm-hmm.

Oh, and, actually, there's one item I could not wash.

It was the extra-extra large women, uh, underwear.

Women's nightgown. It was lace.

'I can't wash that. It has to be dry-clean only.'

- So... - I can...can I...

You know, it's about... it looked like this.

- It would fit like this. - Let me explain that to you.

- Uh-huh. - I had a female friend over.

- 'Oh! Okay.' - And she got very sweaty.

And then she didn't wanna put that in her handbag

and then forget it and it would get mildewy...

- Right, right. - So she asked me if I could...

- She a big girl, huh? - Well...

Hey, uh, Cindy, I think that you mixed up my laundry.

I got a big, giant, giant bra

that said "Declan" in the back.

I didn't think you were married still.

- Did it have... - That's my wife's.

And what I'm doing is cleaning out everything

and giving it to goodwill.

But I wanted to get everything washed before I...

Your wife writes your name in the back of her bras?

I got "Jack Declan," I got a couple of thongs

that say "J. Declan" on it...

I got a giant, giant bra saying "J. Declan."

- My wife's name was Janice. - With a "J."

[telephone ringing]

- Yeah. Alright. - Oh, okay.

Bernice, I thought your missus was.

- Nope. Janice. - 'Janice?'

- Yup. - 'With a "J?"'

- Yup. - "J. Declan." Janice?

Yeah!

[music continues]

What is he, like a black belt or like a...

He's a sensei-level instructor.

It's what it says. It says it right on his resume.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, you can put anything... - Attention!

Hi, everybody.

- Hey. - What's up?

Today's a great day because the Reno sheriff's department

is gonna make the impossible possible.

'This is what we're gonna do.'

'I'm gonna show you how to break a board.'

The secret to breaking a board is not to hit the board

to hit behind the board.

Hello! Hit me over here.

- Not this. - Okay. Let me have a try.

Ow! Ohh!

Smacked him right in the [bleep].

[siren blaring]

[siren blaring]

I have been working on my tribute

to Diana, Princess of Wales.

- Do you mind... - Or...

It just drifted over there, bro.

Um, I've been working on it for four years.

Um, it was intended to be performed

of course, in 2007

uh, which would have, in fact

been the 10-year anniversary

of her untimely and tragic death.

- Um... - Why didn't you do it then?

I just didn't have my [bleep] together.

[music continues]

Hello, boys and girls.

My name is deputy Frank Rizzo.

I'm here to talk to you about some of the things that I do

and the Reno Sheriff's Department does

to make the town of Reno very safe.

Well, the first thing I do when I get up is I clean my gun.

Guns are very important. Never be afraid of a gun.

Uh, guns often solve problems that words can't.

'So remember that.'

Does anyone know what a sting operation is?

'Okay. It's like a secret mission in a video game, okay?'

And in order to catch who I'm going after

which is a dirt bag, I need to look like a dirt bag.

So what I'll do is I'll put on some dirty clothes.

Depending on how deep undercover I go

I'll put on some AIDS scabs

'all over my arms and neck.'

Uh, and depending on, uh, what type of suspect I'm after

I'll put on a [bleep] ring

uh, or...does anyone, or a penis ring?

[music continues]

[indistinct chatters]

- Sheriff's Department! - Jesus Christ!

- What? - You're back!

'No, I'm not talking to you. I'm yelling at you.'

I'm not talking to you, Jesus Christ.

I'm yelling at you. Jesus Christ! It is 3:15.

- What? - It is 3:15 a.m.

Okay, but we're still celebrating. We turned it down.

We asked you to stop celebrating two and half hours ago!

Can I tell you guys what's going on here really?

Benny, the guy that called, he's just upset

because he's my understudy, he's always wanted this part.

He's just a jealous little guy.

He's upset, like everybody else in this hotel is upset.

Like every other normal citizen.

They paid $35 for a room

and they do not wanna be listening

to Allman brothers at 3:15 a.m.

I figured those chords out, by the way.

- Oh, we do not wanna hear-- - Don't wanna hear...

- Are you sure? - I know the chords of Allman.

Don't wanna hear... It's always GCD.

- I wanna hear the chords. - It's GCD.

If-if we could arrest you right now

if I didn't have to go to a judge and get a warrant

by probable cause, you would be doing

oh, you would be doing... how many stations further?

Well, you can't. But you don't have a warrant.

And you can't search. So am I right or am I wrong?

So, it was really nice seeing you guys again.

Ooh! Son of a bitch.

God damn this guy's pushing all my buttons...

Hey! Guys, come here.

Are you gonna bust the party up?

We can't. We don't have anything on him.

Yeah, we asked him to turn it down

but that's really all we can legally do.

We can't arrest him for noise disturbance.

Unless he has, actually, possession of it.

We can smell it, but we can't see it.

- I might know where that is. - His stuff?

You tell us where his weed is

you know who's gonna be playing Jesus tomorrow at 10 a.m.?

Benny is.

Benny is gonna be playing Jesus.

Benny, I'm sorry I was mean to you, man.

Give me a kiss, bro. Get over here.

Give me a kiss. That's my man.

His pot's in the grail.

You [bleep] [bleep]! What?!

You have the right to remain silent.

You [bleep] piece of [bleep].

Oh, my God, man.

My dad is gonna [bleep] kill me.

[music continues]

[Dangle] Are you Ok, Terry? Terry?

What's the matter, buddy?

Terry? Terry?

Hey, hey.

I was murdered.

You were murdered?

Okay, you obviously weren't murdered

because you're alive and you're basically intact.

You weren't murdered, buddy.

You weren't murdered, buddy.

My skate is stolen!

Okay, your skate is stolen.

It was an alien from the sky.

Okay. It was obviously not an alien from the sky.

Somebody came by...

It was an alien saying...

[gibberish] And he took my skate.

So he spoke alien talk, and he came and took your skate.

I was playing baseball with my friends.

And an alien ship came down.

And it shined a beam on me.

And they were like, "hey, [bleep]" and I'm not gay.

Hate crime. We have an alien hate crime.

I'm not gay.

Come here. Come here, buddy.

[Dangle] Just skate around. Skate it off.

'Skate it off. Skate it off.'

[Declan] 'Have you got a cell phone?'

'I wanna get this for YouTube.'

Crystal methamphetamine.

It's a terrible, terrible drug

and it's one that your brain doesn't really recover from.

It basically turns your brain into a sort of a sponge.

If you don't believe it

go to the web and check out facesofmeth [bleep]. dot us.

[music continues]

[Rizzo] 'Usually, [bleep] jobs cost around 40 bucks'

or...or threat of deportation.

There are several methods of interrogation

to extract information

'that may lead to an arrest.'

The femoral artery is located right here.

And what we do sometimes, it's called a bleed-out.

'You hit that, either you clip it with a scalpel'

or if you, you know, or take your gun.

Do that, and it's gonna just start coming out.

It's just gonna start coming out right through there.

Now, if it's a female suspect

you may wanna...you know, you're gonna have to go

for the ventricle artery here.

Does anyone know who the ventricle artery is?

'Very nice.'

Once you take care of this situation

usually you're gonna get the information that you need

and we're gonna put the bad guys away.

Whew. That was a lot of talking. Ha ha.

- Ninety minutes. - Hey, yeah.

A lot to get out. A lot of info.

Yeah. We don't usually talk that much.

But, um, it's, um, just...right...

Uh-oh. Alright. Okay. Ahem.

[siren blaring]

[siren blaring]

So, um, Jim has asked me to be in this Princess Diana tribute

and I think we're gonna have a very special treat

prepared for everybody.

Oh. God.

I'd rather eat

a six-foot-long broken glass dog [bleep] sandwich

than go to that tribute.

Okay.

There are leotards involved.

Hey. You gonna be wearing leotards?

I'm gonna be wearing a leotard.

I'll go for you.

- Yeah? - Yeah. I'll go for you.

- I'll tell you what... - What?

It's gonna be a bit of a camel toe parade.

[laughs]

Hey, hey, what is this, "Lawrence of a labia?"

That's disgusting.

[music continues]

Look what I found.

- 'Whoa.' - In Trudy Wiegel's bedroom.

Put that freak in? Let's watch it.

[Williams] Ah! Oh, my God. I wanna see that.

Trudy getting freaky!

Surprise! It's not a sex tape. It's my will.

[Trudy laughs] 'Got you [bleep].'

You're not gonna get to see my vag.

'Baby Jesus has taken another angel up to heaven today.'

I think we all hate Jesus for that

and I think that's okay.

'Now, for this next part'

if someone could please put this on a loop

so it would play over and over again.

And set the monitor on top of the coffin

at the funeral

that would be terrific.

Five, four, three, two, one.

[deep voice] Hello.

Thank you for coming.

Good day.

It's wonderful to see you again.

Oh, hello there, Carl.

You made it.

[laughs]

Wonderful, wonderful...

Is this some kind of death tape?

Uh-huh.

- How did we get it? - Broke in.

I'm gas lighting her.

Changing the wattage of the light bulbs, make them low.

I know what gas lighting is.

You're trying to make her think she's crazy.

I'm putting left-overs in the fridge

of stuff she never ate.

- Very good. - Right?

So she's like, "Did I, did I have pop tarts and soup?"

Hey, they sell half-again too big phones

if you want those to make her think she's shrinking.

Oh! Make her think she's shrinking.

I like the way you think.

You're probably wondering

uh, if I'm not nice to Trudy in this life

what will she do to me in the afterlife?

And I do have big plans for haunting.

So, um, just know that if you

uh, you know, [bleep] with me

big black guy

if you try and rape my corpse

then I have some pretty big haunting plans for you.

I'm gonna live inside your fridge.

I'm gonna haunt the [bleep] out of you

for the rest of your life.

I've been working with that bitch for 15 years

and she doesn't know my name.

[music continues]

Jim and I

are working on

a Princess Diana tribute

for everybody to see.

Why?

That's a good question.

[music continues]

[Declan high-pitched voice] 'Oh, boo-hoo! Oh, boo-hoo!'

'I'm Jack Declan. I'm so lonely.'

'Oh, if people could only know inside'

'that I wanna be friends, I know they would like me.'

[deep voice] 'Shut up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself.'

'Be a man. Be a man.'

'Be a man!'

[high-pitched voice] 'Ooh, my life's so hard.'

'Oh, nobody likes me.'

'Everybody thinks I'm so scary.'

[deep voice] 'Of course they do! Just kill yourself.'

'Just either suck it up and go to the world and face it'

'or kill yourself because there is no in between.'

'Uh! Uh! Pull it together.'

'Fear nothing.'

[toilet flushes]

- Hey. - Hey, man.

- How you doing? - What's up, guys?

Hey, I'm okay. How about you?

- Yeah? I'm great. - Uh-huh.

- I'm good, doing good. - Hey.

Everything's okay over here, too.

Yeah. Awesome.

- How you doing, man? - I'm good. How are you doing?

Like I said, everything's okay over here.

How about you, Rizzo? You okay?

- I'm great, man. - You okay?

- Yeah. I am. - Sometimes I worry about you.

No, no. No. Don't be. I feel great.

Okay. If you ever need to talk...

Right back at you. If you need to talk about anything.

Hey, I'm gonna get out of here.

- Great talking to you. - Okay.

Great talking to you, too, man.

[Declan] 'You think they don't know? They know!'

'Everyone can see through you, your weakness.'

'God damn it! Pull it together!'

'Pull it together! Pull it together!'

[siren blaring]

[siren blaring]

Great. You're coming to the Princess Diana Tribute, right?

[indistinct radio chatters]

That's, uh...

Travis, I don't think you heard me.

Oh, the Diana tribute...

- Yeah, yeah. - The show thing.

'Cause I got the little mini-auditorium there and stuff.

- And I got a smoke machine. - Yeah. When was that again?

It's, it's tonight, tonight at 7:00.

Ooh! So I planned that thing.

What did you plan specifically?

- That thing. - What is it specifically?

- A dentist thing. - The dentist thing at 7:00?

There's no dentist open at 7 o'clock.

No, 'cause I'm trying to work it into my schedule.

So you made him stay late.

You called the dentist and had him stay late.

Okay. Just bring me a note tomorrow

and an X-ray of the tooth and some documentation.

I could probably get an X-ray

of the tooth for you by tomorrow.

Great.

[music continues]

[Dangle] 'Rizzo, I can't ask you to not have the...'

'it's a normal thing that happens to a gentleman'

'in the morning particularly if he's sleepy.'

I can ask you once again to sit closer to the desk.

Thank you. I can see your morning erect...

I just went to check on that Jesus guy in cell 3.

He is gone.

The cell's still locked the prison clothes

laid out on the bed with nobody in them.

He is not there.

I put him in three days ago for the long weekend.

No, he's in six. Did you say three?

- 'Three.' - No, he's in six.

[Junior clicks tongue]

Oh, that makes more sense.

There was almost a miracle in here.

[Jones] 'Yeah...'

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

♪ I guess the whole world

♪ Forgot to thank you

♪ For all the great things that you did ♪

♪ And you'll never know how mad it made me ♪

♪ The day that I heard that you got killed ♪

♪ I guess you just touched something inside me ♪

♪ The same way you touched those guys with AIDS ♪

♪ And that's why I wrote this song about you ♪

♪ This is the song for you I made ♪

♪ Because I know you had tender loving care ♪

[Dangle] Good...ooh! Oh, God!

'Oh! I can't breathe. I can't breathe.'

'Oh, [bleep]. I can't breathe.'

'Gary, get up front. We [bleep]-ed this up, man.'

'I [bleep] landed on my tailbone. Ow!'

[male #1] 'Cut me those hotdogs.'

[elephant trumpets]

Of course, there will be a eulogy

read by none other than my better half

Jim dangle.

"It was no secret that Trudy and I

"were somewhat of an item.

"Sure, I acted as though I couldn't stand her

"even joked at times how I wished she were dead.

"In fact, we were so in love

"that Trudy has made arrangements for us

"to be buried not side by side

"because that would be very expensive

"to get two plots

"but in the same grave

right on top of one another."