Original subtitles

Sheriff's department.

Hello? Sheriff's department.

We got a call here at the Nevada State Mental Hospital

that they had an emergency.

Oh, here's the police officers.

Thank you so much for coming.

I just need you guys to take a look at this.

Okay.

It's is a picture of a man's penis.

My penis.

So you guys drove 45 minutes

to take a look at a polaroid of my penis?

So who's crazy now? Bbllbbll!

- 'Andy.' - Grrr.

- Andy, back in the hole, man. - Come on--

You've got to stay off the phones, okay?

'Tell the phones to stay off of me.'

[Andy] 'Hey, you can hold on to that, sugar tits.'

'You can find me on eharmony.'

[theme music]

Son of a bitch. God damn it!

[tires screeching]

Come on!

They all have guns!

[man screaming]

- Ow! - Push 'em together?

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Ow, God!

[siren]

[empty gun clicks]

- Watch. - You did not...

Aah!

[Jim] 'I'm sorry if I'm, if I'm on edge today.'

My a capella choir has disbanded. I'm sorry.

- Aw... - Aw, that's rough.

You and Jeff aren't gonna do it anymore?'

No. We will never... Me and Jeff will never... We...

Oh, I will never darken his door again.

'Oh, I'll be assigning shifts.'

We have to keep an eye on that witness

for the state's attorney's office.

Mario... In that case...

'I don't know if that's... Is that the code name?'

Code name for him?

There's no one in real enforcement

but you that uses code names

so I'm assuming that's his real name.

Okay, his real name is probably Mario

but he's gonna be held up at the...

I shouldn't even... I won't say the name of the hotel.

[Trudy] 'Who are you hiding it from?'

The Shear Arms hotel is where we're gonna be holding

that state's witness.

- What was that? - 'Cause it was secret.

- 'From who?' - 'Well, we heard it.'

- 'Everybody heard it.' - Of course, but you heard it.

- They heard it, too. - I think they heard it.

Fine. Okay. So they're holding that--

[Declan] 'Did you think we were [bleep] moving?'

No. I-I got confused.

No one has claimed the birdfeeder

from the junior deputy's raffle.

I would like to get that off of my books.

If you won the [bleep] birdfeeder, come [bleep]

get it off my desk.

I don't want that [bleep] eyesore on my desk anymore.

- That's what that thing is? - 'Yes.'

That's a birdfeeder?

They're the [bleep] junior deputy's

and they have the slow ones helping this year.

No bird would feed from that thing.

I agree! I want it off my desk.

If you won it, come claim it, or I'm throwing it away.

Why don't they raffle off lawn jockeys anymore?

I love them lawn jockeys they used to make.

Yeah, they got-- You know why.

They don't raffle 'em off anymore

'cause they have them workin' here with us.

Ha ha!

Oh, I got a million of 'em.

- Hey, Carmen. - Hey, Carmen.

- 'Look at you.' - Hi, guys.

You almost got us with the hose there, I see.

Hey, how you doin' on your meds, Carmen?

- Carmen? - What?

Carmen! How are you doin' on your meds?

Do... Carmen?

Do we need to send somebody by to check

if you've been taking your meds?

- Yes. - Speak into the microphone.

Yes, you do need to send somebody by.

Hey, Carmen, real quick before we go.

We just wanted to ask.

There was this vacuum cleaner salesman who went miss--.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Have you seen this man, Mr. Merrick?

Yeah, no.

- Yeah, first you said yes. - You said yeah.

You have seen him?

He went missing about ten days ago.

- In this neighborhood. - Has it been ten days?

Okay. I'm gonna search the house, you keep her talking.

Yeah. Let's get to the part where...

Carl Merrick, are you still alive?

...where you either, I'm just guessing.

I'm gonna take a wild guess...

[Jim] 'Hey, Carmen, where should I start looking?'

...tied him up or--

You can start in the freezer.

- Or the... No, no. - Is he in one piece?

[Jim] 'Mr. Merrick, are you still alive?'

- Well... - Mr. Merrick?

- His head is. - Okay.

Okay.

It's weird. It's just like a vacuum

like they come apart so easy.

- People? - Yeah.

Oh, my God! Okay.

- He's not missing anymore. - 'Okay.'

We don't miss him.

Listen, listen, listen to me. I can ex--

Well, first of all, can we get a smoothie?

Sure, we can.

[theme music]

We're out here at the Sage Brush Motor Home Park

serving a search warrant on a Mr. Steven Samantino.

A lot of scumbags live in this area

which is a shame 'cause it's a really nice area.

You kidding? It's like the Taj Mahal here.

[dog barking]

Frank. It's this one.

It's right here.

Okay.

[Trudy] 'How do you know how to do this?'

'cause I know how to do it.

I take a class at the Learning Annex.

- Sheriff's-- - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department!

- Franky, are you okay? - I'm fine because no one...

[vehicle driving off]

- It's moving. - What the [bleep]!

It's moving. What's goin' on?

- What's goin' on? - We're moving.

- 'Why are we moving?' - 'Why are we moving?'

- Stop this mobile home! - Let me out!

- One, two, three! - Tuck and roll!

- I can't do it. - What?

It's high. It looks so painful.

- I'll do it. I'll do it. - Alright.

[both] One, two, three!

- I can't do it. - Come back in.

Okay. Let's go at the same time.

Alright. Okay.

[both] One, two, three!

[theme music]

A federal witness we were keeping in protective custody.

When's the trial, two weeks?

Two weeks.

- Mario? - I guess.

- Mario? - Are you Mario?

[Jim] 'I've heard of this.'

There's times, you know, where the dog

the dog, like, can identify a smell.

So the dog probably...

- Lived with a murderer. - Yes, yes.

And so...

And they're gonna bring 'em on the stand

and they're gonna bring Mario...

they're gonna ask the dog, they're gonna say

is this, is this the man?

And the dog will know by smell.

- 'Yeah.' - Good Mario.

Oh, maybe the dog swallowed some kinda like

microfilm or something.

Oh, ye--.

Maybe he's got microfilm in him

'like he swallowed some kind of evidence'

'some kind of, like, tape or, like, some kind of those...'

You know those new, weird little things you can put

in your computer and they're like discs

but they're, like, little suppositories.

- Little firewires. - Yeah, little firewires.

Yeah, maybe he ate a firewire.

- Did you eat a firewire? - Did you eat a firewire?

- Did you eat a firewire, Mario? - Did you eat a firewire?

Are we supposed to wait for this dog to poop

some sort of evidence out? No, no, no.

I would have thinked they would have told us to check his poop--

No, no. We're just supposed to turn

we're supposed to keep Mario safe.

Oh. Ho-ho. Who's a good witness for the state?

Who's a witness for the state, Mario?

Who's a witness for the state?

Mario is a witness for the state. Ha ha!

Did you feel any firewire in there?

[theme music]

Ah! Alright, look.

You know what?

He's got to have somethin'...

This guy's got to have somethin' here to, to drink.

- I could use a drink maybe. - I'm thirsty.

Ah, eureka!

Huh? Huh?

- What about it? - I'm not usually a drinker.

- Come on. - But today I drink.

Today you drink, right?

Here is to us getting to know

each other a little better.

Alright. Here is to us getting the [bleep] out of here

before I blow my brains out.

Okay, okay, touche.

I actually feel

like I can stand a little bit better now.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- I'll have some more of that. - Yeah, Alright.

- It makes me feel-- - Alright, I'll do it.

I didn't think I was gonna have fun

and I'm actually having fun.

- I am, too. - I feel like we're at a disco.

It's kind of like a disco dance, huh?

- Or like a mosh pit, right? - Whoa.

Oh. Oh. That was close.

- Is that your penis? - That is my penis.

- Is that your vagina? - It is my vagina.

- Okay. - I don't hate this.

This is not a terrible thing.

This is not the worst thing that has happened

since we have been in here.

No. In fact, I would say it's the best thing that happened

and I don't mind if it keeps happening

for at least another 45 seconds.

[siren wailing]

[siren wailing]

Every time we do this I get nauseous.

The back and forth, winding...

We got to. We got a 911 call from Ranger Glen.

[man] 'Ahh!'

- Hey, hey, hey! - Ahh!

- Take it easy, buddy. - What happened?

Get back. No, no, no.

Don't come. It could be contagious.

Don't. A rabid cougar got my leg and tried to rip it off

and I fought him, and he tried to get my stuff

and I had to fight him off and he put...

Took my tibia and grabbed a piece of bone out of my leg

and he ran off with a piece of my bone

and I... Get back!

It happened, like, two days ago

and I didn't want to call you guys

so it started clotting up--

Two days you've been in this kind of crazy, screaming pain?

Yeah.

How come you didn't call us before then?

'Cause I don't like bothering you guys.

I know you hate coming out to 30, 40 miles to get here.

I'm really sorry

but this thing's got to get me into town for a couple weeks.

I got my day pack inside.

I got... Are you guys thirsty?

- What? - Wait a minute.

It's got, like...

Don't get close to it, officer. It's got, like--

What?

[Glen] 'Don't eat my blood!'

What are you, a zombie?

Spaghetti sauce.

Come on. I'll show you.

I put spaghetti sauce on it, but there is a wound.

I'm not lying. I'm gonna come with you.

[Declan] 'You're not... Get out of here.'

- I have a... - You're not comin' with us.

- I have a compound fracture! - You do not.

- 911, donner, donner pass. - Give me that.

- We have a 911! - Give me that! [bleep].

- Man down! Man down! - Give me that.

- Give me that! - Man down!

- Give me that. - Big, big, big, big!

[theme music]

- Okay. - Alright, okay.

Wait, you have the right to remain sexy.

- Can I make a suggestion? - Yeah.

Can I get my pants off first?

[theme music]

[Frank] 'Woo! Sweetie. Sweetie.'

The pressure of that shower was unbelievable.

Who would have thought a moving motor home

would have such good water pressure?

- Not me. - Ha-ha-ha.

♪ Lady in the shower

♪ Should I be so lucky

♪ Lady in the shower

♪ Let's [bleep bleep bleep]

Ha-ha-ha!

- You know who sang that? - You did.

- Me. I sang it. - Just now.

I sang it.

[man singing in foreign language]

[bell ringing]

Alright, kids, I am deputy Williams

and I'm gonna talk to y'all

about keepin' yourself safe from pregnancy.

'Now, I know you've probably heard a lot'

you know, about condoms or, or abstinence.

'I'm gonna talk to you about'

'something even better than' that.

Gettin' your tubes tied.

Yes!

Raise your hand if you know what an epidural is.

Anybody? All this?

Mine is still dead.

I don't feel none of that.

They're gonna cut you across here, alright?

Then they're gonna take the bottom of your stomach

and they gonna clip, clip that to your breast meat.

'Alright, now if some of y'all'

are still as flat-chested as you are right now

they just gonna skiz it up underneath your ribcage.

Then you'll feel a tugging sensation, huh?

You feel this just being tugged on.

Then after that, you smell bacon.

Huh? Alright. Because that's the laser burning your tubes.

Hopefully you do understand if you want to get

with your man, have a plan.

[theme music]

[sighs]

Thanks. I'm gonna watch the game, I think.

There's a good football game on.

Check out the game, crack open a beer

chill out, relax and adjust.

- You know what? Wow. - What do you mean, wow?

- Oh, I just, wow. - Wha...What do you mean, wow?

I just feel like a whore.

You and the... Aw, here we go.

- No, don't touch me. - Here we go.

No. Don't you know how that makes me feel?

Oh, how does it make you feel?

How do you think that makes me feel

like I'm slaving over the stove.

I didn't ask you to slave.

You said "I'm gonna cut up these tomatoes."

Oh, now you're gonna make fun of my accent now?

Hey, how about some spray cheese?

- Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! - You know what?

I've had better spray cheese than that.

Honeymoon's over, I guess.

- Honeymoon's over, okay? - You know what?

[bleep] it. I'll do the dishes.

No, no, [bleep] it. I'll do the dishes.

I should have known better than to [bleep] an Italian.

[bleep].

[theme music]

They are these brand-new Al-Qaeda dogs.

- 'They're smart dogs.' - 'They're smart dogs.'

And what they do is they put these little chips in 'em.

- It's a surveillance dog. - Yeah. Right.

[Travis] 'Are you an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog, Mario?'

'Is that why we're turning you over to the state's--'

He looks a little bit like an Al-Qaeda surveillance dog.

And so like, if he's--

There's like a... There's a microphone in here.

I see something.

Testing, one, two, one, two, check, one, two.

Mario mic check.

Mario microphone check.

This would have been a very good encyclopedia brown...

This sort of case.

[telephone rings]

[Travis] 'Phone's not supposed to be ringing, is it?'

[Jim] 'No.'

[phone rings]

They're probably right outside the door.

What they're doin' is they're checking to see

if we're in here and if we're in here

they're gonna know I'm right by the phone

and they're gonna come in and shoot in this corner.

I'm getting in front of the dog.

Yep. Okay.

Is Mar... Get behind me, Mario.

You stay behind him. Stay behind him.

Stay right behind me, Mario.

Stay behind him, Mario.

- Okay. Ready? - Swear to God.

[phone rings]

[hyperventilating]

Pick up.

Room 304.

Uh, no, that's okay. We don't need turn-down service.

Thank you, though.

Gracias. You have a nice day, too.

[theme music]

[siren wailing]

Kinda got to take a leak.

Go for it. I'll watch the witness.

Whew. Then we'll check the hall again.

And then I say after that, we'll check the roof again, yeah?

Yeah, let's do a sweep of the roof.

We'll do a sweep of the hall... Sweep again.

[Travis] 'We ain't sweep the basement in a while either.'

- Uh, junior? - Yes, sir?

There's no chance that this is Mario, is there?

- That makes a lot more sense. - That's--Yep.

[theme music]

[Jim] 'And what's this word here?'

[Cindy] 'First time offender.'

- Okay, what's this word here? - Uh, incarceration?

- Very good. - Yeah.

- What's this here? - Bludgeon tool.

Bludgeon. Let's work on bludgeon.

- Brudgeon. - One more time.

Maybe you say it for me and then I can--

- Ready? Ready? - Okay.

Let's look at it together, and I'll say it.

- Okay. - Bludgeon.

- Bludgeon. - Bludgeon.

- Bludgeon. - Bludgeon. Bludgeon.

I'm gonna bludgeon you. Bludgeon.

My mouth don't go like that. How do you do that?

It doesn't have to go like that.

It doesn't have to go like that.

It's just the word is bludgeon.

- Oh. Sawed-off shotgun. - Exactly.

Uh, Cindy, I'm supposed to book Benjamin Talmadge

for four counts of grand ferony? Ferony? Feroni?

- Yeah. Felony. - What's that?

Oh, Cindy, that's--

Felony. You know, there's, like, misdemeanor, there's felony.

Ferony. Got it.

Okay, you say that one time?

Ferony.

[inhales deeply]

Ferony.

Pretty good.

I was having problems reading that report.

What is that word?

Raceny.

You know, it's when people steal something.

Called Raceny, right?

Attempted Raceny.

It's a ferony.

[theme music]

[rooster crow]

Trudy!

'Wake up! Wake up!'

- 'Wake up!' - What?

Wake up?

- We stopped. - We stopped.

- We stopped. - We stopped.

Take this, take this.

Okay. Here we go. Okay.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.

Okay.

Ready?

[rooster crows]

Senor. Passaportes.

No tengo passaportes.

No tengoat all passaportes.

Aqui en Mexico. Necesita passaportes.

Can I offer you some money?

Dinero? Dinero?

Robert De Niro, huh?

Robert De Niro.

Hmm, you talking to me?

[theme music]

[siren wailing]

[Chris] 'Well, my name is Chris.'

My name is Glen, and it's a pleasure to be here

to talk to you about your 401k program.

Are you guys excited? We say 401, you say k.

- 401. - K.

- 401. - K.

- 401. - 'K.'

- '401.' - K.

[Glen] 'Great job, great job.'

You guys were in our premier fund

'it's called the international fund'

'we put all you guys in there'

'and things were goin' so great.'

You guys were makin' so much money.

Here's the bad news. Hold on. I know it's exciting.

'As you may have read in the newspapers'

the economy collapsed all across the world

and the international fund lost a [bleep]load of money.

Yes.

What is the total value of our 401ks today, right now?

If we were taking it in cash.

The international fund with everybody from this department

invested was worth over $12 billion with--

[Chris] 'This is everyone around the world put into the--'

That's what it was at the very beginning.

Right now, it's worth just over $200,000.

- Two hundred thousand. - It dipped. It dipped.

I don't want to get hung up on how much you lost

because when I looked on your website

it clearly said that

you invest with the best possible decision-making

and sometimes it benefits

and sometimes you can't predict the future.

That's a great question.

'That's a... that's a great question.'

That's a great question.

That's a great point and a great question.

Where did the money for our 401ks come from?

These are taken out of your paychecks.

It's all deducted automatically--

And is put away for your retirement.

We've been paying into this.

You've been paying into this without you even knowing it.

That's the beauty of it. You didn't even feel it.

It's planning for your future without even thinking about it.

- You didn't even have to think. - 'Thank you.'

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you for doing that for us.

Thank you for doing that for us.

Thank you for letting us not have to

make these hard decisions. And you know what?

Yeah, we all make mistakes. We all have problems.

But you know what? I'm not gonna blame you.

'I'm not gonna blame you.'

What I'm gonna say is thank you

and I'm gonna say whatever. I'm cool.

Thank you, Officer Bates.

And we'll say it right off the bat, we're sorry.

Accepted.

[theme music]

There's nothing going on between me and Rizzo.

I don't even know why anyone would even have a recommendation

to say something so absurd like that.

Rizzo and I have nothing going on.

Nothing happened in a trailer between the two of us.

He didn't ever...

He has never put his [bleep] inside of me

that I can recall.

We've never made out.

I never confessed my love to him

and he has never, ever, ever [bleep] me from behind.

That's absurd.

That's absurd.

[clears throat]

It seems specific, I know you're thinking.

And it is.

I have a very...

photographic brain a lot like Ansel Adams but in color

and with a lot more insertion and pubic hair.

So you and Rizzo did it?

We [bleep] in the trailer, yeah.

[male #1] Oh, hi, Sara. Ha ha!

[elephant trumpeting]

Glen, Chris, I had to tell 'em.

- Pat 'em down. - Okay.

- Pat 'em down. - Okay.

- I just don't... - Okay.

It's very convenient. Jail is very, very close.

Very, very, very close.

Get 'em out of here. Take off all their clothes.

- We're tryin' to help you. - Take off all their clothes.

It's a little prank. We'll hose 'em off.

We'll strip 'em naked and we'll leave 'em in sparks.

- We'll leave 'em in sparks. - We'll leave 'em in sparks.

- Okay. Great. - Ready? Strip 'em, hose 'em.

♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪

♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪

♪ Strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪

♪ We'll strip 'em and hose 'em and take 'em to sparks ♪