Original subtitles

[man on radio] 'Unit 68, we got a driver asleep at the wheel'

'on route 90.'

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

You got to be kidding me.

Hey!

Hey, moron!

Hey!

[horn honks]

Hey, moron!

[horn honks]

I guess he's a Rip Van Winkle.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, buddy!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey, how you doing?

- Tree! - Aah!

[theme music]

Son of a bitch. God damn it!

[explosion]

[screeching]

Huh!

They all have guns!

Woo-hoo!

Ow!

Push 'em. Push 'em together?

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Oh, God!

[sirens approaching]

[gunshots]

Uh! Uh!

Boss, boss, you're over the line.

Aah!

[Dangle] 'I've had it, I thought it was pretty good'

but it doesn't mean it's okay.

Uh, the prisoners have done a new batch of toilet wine

'and i-it's actually, i-it's surprisingly decent.'

It's got... It's got good legs,

- and it-- - But it's still...

They shouldn't have it,

so if you catch them in there with it

I don't care if it's a '92.

They saved some toilet wine from '92

'and they're drinking it now?'

No, I was saying it was a 92 point.

- 'If it was gonna be given a--' - Oh, oh.

- 'Say, in wine spectator--' - I-I thought it was age.

Are you okay? What happened to your lip?

Something wrong with your... You got your tongue pierced.

They were giving out free coupons

in the newspaper this weekend.

- I got one, too, see? - 'Sunday paper.'

[Dangle] 'You both got suckered into getting your tongue pierced--'

I didn't get suckered in.

There was a coupon for a free

for a free tongue piercing so I took it.

He would have been an idiot not to take the deal.

It was a great deal.

[Dangle] 'Did you also get your tongue pierced?'

Wait. Three of you got your tongue pierced?

- 'Yeah.' - 'Cause there was a coupon...

And you got to keep the stud, too.

That's normally a $45 value.

- You did, too? - Yeah.

It's 45 bucks down.

I'm up 45 bucks.

- Hey, you got a gold one? - I got a gold one, yeah.

How much extra did a gold one cost?

- No way! - Oh, I didn't know that.

[Wirgel] 'I would have got a gold one, too.'

They expect you to go in and get a free stud

then spend all kinds of money on tattoos and...

All the bells and the whistles.

I didn't fall for that.

I didn't fall for that.

The joke's on them. $45 out the door.

Well, I'm glad at least

there's a couple of us that will be around.

You'll be on the phones today, then, I guess, okay?

[phone ringing]

- They got you, too. Yep? - Yeah.

Can I say something to Raineesha?

You had your labia pierced?

You're a lady. That's gross.

[instrumental music]

Ahoy, [bleep].

Hey, bud.

[Dangle] 'Hey, bud.'

Aw, for poop's sake.

Hey, Mike?

Mike?

Well, don't huff on the rag, Mike.

- 'Don't huff the bag.' - 'Put the bag down.'

[Dangle] 'Don't go huffing on a bag.'

- Hey, Mike. - Huh?

Eyeballs. Guess who called.

- The whore? - Yeah.

Well, let's not call her that, Mike.

I'll call her a whore!

Okay, she lives 50 yards away, Mike.

[Travis] 'Uh, we're gonna need you to clean this up, Mike.'

[Dangle] 'We're gonna need you to clean up the boat for real.'

Oh. Can you... Do you guys mind getting me some kerosene?

That's good.

When you get on that [bleep]

"no buy kerosene" list...

- Yep. - ...at the depot, oh.

[Dangle] How the hell did you get on the "no buy" list?

- 'Yeah.' - 'How do you think?'

Because you got a, you got a...

I got a lot of enemies.

One of them is Derek at home depot.

- Yeah. - Have you met him?

- Yep. - He's a big, fat bastard.

- "Hey, Mike, what's going on?" - He's also--

"Shove it, Derek. Shove it."

He's also a decent guy trying to do his job

and trying to keep you from huffing your brain away.

Mike, can we go back to that conversation

'you were just having with Derek?'

"Hey, Big Mike, what's going on?"

- And you come back with... - "Hey, Derek, shove it."

That's your bon mot that you bounce back at him.

And you wondered why you're on the "no buy kerosene" list?

He... He ain't no... He no big wheel down there. I'm as--

[Dangle] 'Well, he's the assistant manager.'

- 'Use your words.' - Don't you huff.

- 'Don't you huff it up.' - You want to take--

- No, no, wait. You got to-- - Don't you huff.

Why don't you ask me like a civil, like a man

like a man who's captain of his boat?

If you go to maritime law, if you go to maritime law, pages--

Are you playing maritime law now?

Look, you don't need water.

Permission to come aboard, Captain Mike.

Permission denied, so shove it.

[instrumental music]

Uh, so all of these evidence tapes...

Tapes that we, uh, have made at crime scenes, et cetera...

are on vhs, and the station

has only got one vhs player that still works

and it's getting harder and harder to find parts

so we're gonna have to transfer these to DVD.

Wow. Yeah, look at that.

November 1988.

Jesus christ. I was a rookie.

I like the TV from '80s. It's really good.

Yeah. Everybody had, like, a monkey and a talking car.

And, like, a small, little black boy they lived with.

Yeah, there ain't no cute little black boys on TV anymore.

- Ain't that a shame? - I know. Why not?

Did you get to November 10th yet?

Uh, November 2, 1988.

- Look, look... - 'Yeah.'

That was back when Big Mike was lieutenant.

- 'Oh!' - 'Oh, my God!'

- 'Ah!' - 'Look at you!'

Stop looking at my booty.

[all] 'Ah!'

- Terrible haircut. Terrible. - 'You look good. You look...'

- 'I'm on TV.' - Ha ha! Junebug.

- Oooh. - 'Look at his face!'

[Jones] 'Look at that mustache.'

- Hey. - Yes, sir.

There's a human head in that bag.

- Yes, lieutenant. - Somebody's brother in there.

- Yes, lieutenant. - What a [bleep]

[indistinct]

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

- Oh! - Oh, ho ho.

- Get 'em! - Pow.

Look at how fresh.

- Boom! - He fresh.

[Travis] 'There's nothing to be ashamed about.'

You just used to wear eyeliner.

Hold on a minute.

- What is this? - 'What you got?'

You know what I think this is?

By God, this is that methamphetamine

they're talking about.

- 'I heard about that stuff.' - 'Yeah, me, too.'

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh.

[Jones on TV] 'You, uh...'

'You want me to take it to evidence there?'

- Oh. - 'Come on, come on, man.'

Hey, hey, don't freak out, bud.

I'm just hanging out.

Like gollum finding the ring.

Look at that, boy.

[instrumental music]

'This is not entirely my fault.'

Let me, let me just kind of let you in

on how kind of, the illusion process works.

There's an illusionist, that's me

and there's also an illusionist's assistant.

- That's her. - Right.

And i-i-it's a binary process.

You know, we're both working in tandem

to make this illusion happen and if the illusion's assistant

doesn't do her job exactly right

then accidents can happen.

Maybe, there may be some personal issues at home.

Maybe, uh, maybe a drinking problem.

She's, s-she's foreign, and, you know...

I'll tell you what, why don't we wrap

this up down at the station, okay?

Well, uh, um, that'll be interesting

uh, if you're taking me to the station

because I should let you know

that the handcuffs have not been made

that can contain the amazing reynaldo!

Alakazam!

[cough]

Ha ha ha!

These are exceptionally well made.

- These are really just sturdy. - Let's go, man.

- He did disappear. - He did it.

I heard it. Oh, my god.

Guys, we just, we just walked into the other room.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh. - That makes way more sense.

That makes more sense.

[police siren wailing]

[police siren wailing]

Uh, next time you choose to have sex with some weird

old teacher, consensual or otherwise

I hope you think twice.

- Alright, fine. - Yeah.

She's going away for a while.

Huh. Wow.

It happens, like, every couple of years.

Some weird white trash teacher

and some, uh... I don't get it.

- Uh, so you're Miss Hukert? - Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. Travis Junior. How you doing?

Uh, you're Miss Hukert?

- You are? - Yeah, yeah. I am. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Huh.

Uh, 15 years, technically.

Wh-why do you say "technically"?

Why do you say it like that?

I got an old soul.

Wha... How... Can I ask... o-on average...

like, p-per week, what are we talking?

Like, uh, as far as actual full-on...

Doing it.

Uh, per week.

Let's see.

I'd say about three or four times a day, so...

- Holy... - You do the...

Okay. Um...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't believe this.

Mrs. Hukert, you've been doing it with that kid?

Billy? Really?

Come on!

Anything else we need to know about this boy?

Um, o-other than just how sweet he is...

I mean, he's...

[Billy whispering] She's talking about me.

...has a huge [bleep].

Huge.

Like...like, 10, 12 inches, like?

Probably a little bit more than that.

More than 12.

It's a... It's a...

It's a good...

It's probably about a good 13.

- That makes more sense. - Huge [bleep].

Yeah, a huge [bleep] makes more sense.

- Alright, look... - Uh, Trudy?

- 'Thank you.' - 'Take her away.'

- 'Trudy?' - Hmm?

Oh, my God.

You sick, sick, sick boy!

It was your idea.

- Jumping... - Holy God.

Ho! Ho! Wow!

Listen, I know this is kind of weird, but do you mind if I...

Oh, sure. Go ahead. I-It happens.

- Oh. - Hello!

Can you see me back here?

I'm gonna send that to Dangle.

[instrumental music]

[Williams] 'Look at Dangle.'

Who's the legs?

[Dangle on TV] Oh, I love to see it come

and I love to see it go.

Oh, my goodness gracious me.

- That's Wiegel? - That's Trudy.

- That's booty Wiegel. - No.

She looks like the "footloose" girl.

Mmm. You smell like Jean Nate after bath splash.

Oh, I didn't wash.

I didn't want to get the smell of you off me.

Oh, my God!

- Wow. You could do "playboy." - Hi.

Oh, hey, wow.

My... My beautiful wife.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that was when Dangle was married.

That was Debbie before she got gastric bypass surgery.

Did you get to November 10th yet?

- 'Not yet. Not yet.' - 'No, but look at this.'

- Oh, thin Debbie. - 'Yeah.'

'She'd already lost about--'

She'd lost a... Over a 130 pounds at this point.

[chuckles]

You really didn't know back then. Really.

The way you ran from the car. I had an inkling.

I had an inkling, but I didn't...

- I think we all did. - Remember my coast guard stuff?

- I had an inkling. - Was, uh, Trudy not retarded?

You'll see when we get to November 10.

Guess who's washing herself these days.

- All by yourself? - Me, yes.

My beautiful wife Deb.

We got rid of the handicapped chair.

And we got rid of the washing stick.

We bur... We had a ceremonial burial in the yard.

I'm able to get most of the areas

and what I can't get, Jim tells me later.

Ninety, ninety-five percent.

- That is true love. - So, it's good.

[flubbering]

She was a big, fat, disgusting

awful [bleep] and a [bleep].

I looked at that skirt the other day

and I was thinking, "Oh, just a little bit closer."

I just got to keep the motto going.

Keep the motto going.

Nothing is gonna taste

as good as being thin feels.

We're trying to eat less than animals in the zoo.

- Who are those people? - That's you.

- Baby, that's you. - 'You're in the denim.'

[Dangle] I love her. I would marry her all over again.

If I was forced to, I certainly would.

'Oh! Oh, my God!'

- 'Oh!' - 'Oh, Trudy!'

[Wiegel] 'I still... I still got it, huh, guys?'

- I still got it. - No, no. No, you don't.

[fart]

- Oh, man. Damn it. - And she farted.

My mouth was open.

[instrumental music]

Okay, we got this God damn hippie.

He's been sitting up in this tree for months at a time.

- I'm still up here! - Yeah, we see you!

[Dangle] Oh, yeah, you're still up there, huh?

You said I wouldn't, but I'm still here!

Oh, man. Progress is coming.

They're plowing this whole thing over

and you are gonna be chopped...

Never gonna happen!

The Reno pine will never come down, you pig!

This thing is gonna get chopped down

and made into hardwood floors!

Curse you! Damn you!

You can't fight progress, you dirty hippie!

They were gonna build a whole bunch of condos

and a little shopping mall here.

Uh, when the recession hit, they cancelled that.

- They pulled the plug on it. - They pulled the plug on it.

- It's not gonna happen. - Here's the thing.

He doesn't know, he doesn't have the internet

'or wifi or get a newspaper up there'

'so he has no idea it's been cancelled.'

[Trudy] 'He's a fascinating character.'

He's a fixture now.

We don't have that many tourist attractions here.

We got the bowling hall of fame

and we got the hippie who sits in the tree.

So we want to keep him up there as long as we possibly can.

- We got a tour bus. - You goddamn dirty hippie!

When the bulldozers come, you'll be crying!

[Dangle] 'Oh, you'll be crying, and you'll be dying.'

I won't, I won't, I won't.

- You'll be crying. - 'Parking, parking, parking.'

Jamba juice, macaroni grill...

- Chico's... - Chico's--

[man #1] 'Stop it! Stop it!'

[Dangle] 'Oh, fine. You win today.'

Just s-shake your fist and let everybody look real mad.

- Aah! - Aah!

God, I wish they'd put in a macaroni grill.

- Wouldn't that be great? Oh. - Oh.

- Do they sell only macaroni? - Yup.

I've never even been to one.

That's exactly what it is, and they grill it.

[instrumental music]

We've been sent here to the library

to, uh, block foul language

and inappropriate images from the library computer

because apparently they've had some problems with guys.

- You know, rubbing one out. - Doing inappropriate things.

Okay. Uh, [bleep] [bleep].

Blocked.

Uh, [bleep] [bleep].

Oldie but goodie.

Blocked. Titties.

- Titties. - Blocked.

- This is fun. Balls. - Balls. Blocked.

- [bleep] jobs. - [bleep] jobs.

What about [bleep] jobs?

- Uh... - Blocked.

- [bleep] jobs. - [bleep] jobs. Blocked.

- Big, black [bleep]! - How about [bleep]?

Titty [bleep] [bleep] ass [bleep]...

- Shh. - Balls sucking [bleep]...

[Wiegel whispering] Sorry. I'm sorry.

- Shh. - Sorry.

[instrumental music]

Okay, Sunny leone.

Block.

Uh, Eriko Sato.

Block.

Uh, Lena Li. Block.

- Jade Hsu. Block. - Tiffany Thunder.

- Tif-fany Thunder, block... - Beyonce...

You can't block Beyonce from a library.

- Yeah. This is America. - This is America.

And you're not gonna...

You're not gonna deny Americans their Beyonce.

[instrumental music]

- Freeze! - Hold it right there!

Freeze!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Freeze!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[acoustic guitar music]

Well, if it isn't the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Sparks Sheriff's Department, huh?

Guess what, you're not getting your prisoner back

'cause he crossed the County line.

- He's in Reno. - That's right.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

- Where you going? - I'm gonna shake your hand.

Fair is fair.

- Taking that prisoner! - No, you don't.

Do not cross that line!

I will draw my weapon.

Let's trade.

We'll take yours if you take ours.

'No. We want him. We got him.'

If it's my [bleep], you could take it up your [bleep].

What?

I'll let you keep that one.

You're gonna regret that insult.

- Home run. - Good job.

- Thank you. - Tell you what...

Whichever Sheriff's Department has a bigger [bleep] wins

but you got to add them together.

- So it can't just be just his. - It doesn't matter.

We could put his with two women, and we win.

- Show them. - Don't worry about it.

Yeah, right. It's a myth.

- It's a myth. - Oh, no.

You will laugh.

- It is ridiculous. - It's hilarious.

- Let's see it. - Yeah.

- Hold on. - Let's see it.

- Give me that. - Oh!

You tricked me! You tricked me!

Son of a [bleep]. Sheriff's department!

Sheriff's department!

[laughing]

- It's not your fault. - Oh, [bleep].

If I had a [bleep] like yours

I would have been pulling it out, too.

Here you go.

[instrumental music]

Well, we're feeling pretty good about ourselves.

We've, uh, blocked

about 15,000 pornographic words.

I don't think anyone's gonna be

uh, having any 5-finger parties anymore.

- Although "5-finger party." - Ooh.

- Blocked. - Wow.

You could fit all those fingers.

- All those fingers in there. - Oh, my God.

- That's it, right? - That's amazing.

- We did it. - Did we do it?

- I'm pretty proud of us. - Well done.

- I'm exhausted. I need, like... - I'm exhausted, too.

I think if I see another penis today

I'm probably gonna throw up.

I just want a-a nice long nap, and...

Thank you guys so much for coming.

It's, like, every time I turn around, there's some pervert

some guy is sitting here [bleep] off.

I can't understand who would do that in a public library.

- It's disgusting. - It's sickening.

I'm gonna... I forgot I should check e-mail before...

We've been sitting here for seven hours

and now you're gonna check your e-mail.

Totally forgot because I'm protecting and serving

and I just forgot to check my e-mail, and I-I need to do it.

Mm-hmm, well, don't forget to protect

before you serve, and, missy

you should put on some underpants next time.

[instrumental music]

[Dangle] 'I just flat-out forgot we had a chimp on the force.'

Yeah. That was a publicity stunt.

That's what it was. It was publicity.

[Wiegel] 'Everybody was doing that in the '80s.'

- That chimp was an ass[bleep]. - Oh, this is november 10.

No, I'm really... I'm serious.

You could do "playboy" for real.

Jim, I've had it with the inappropriate

comments, for real.

- Wow. - 'Whatever.'

'And I know it's a sock in your pants.'

I could do "playboy."

[Wiegel] R'ay ray, come on. Let's go.'

[Big mike on TV] Jim, come on.

[Travis] Oh, there's Lieutenant Mike.

Yes.

- That's Big Mike? - Best Lie... Crackhead?

I think he was on his way to being governor.

[Big Mike on TV] Okay.

Alright, after Dangle, we're going in hot and hard.

- Alright? - You go ahead, Jim. Go.

[breaks glass]

[gunshot]

On my count. One, two ,three...

[all shouting]

I don't know. Is this on?

- 'Whoa!' - 'What's that?'

I know what this is. No, no, no. Give me that.

- No. No, no, no, no, no. - Give me that.

- Give me that. - Oh, my god.

This is gonna be so great to see back.

I don't know, I don't know

if this is a super great idea to tape this, per se.

[all shouting]

Give me the [bleep] remote!

I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything.

I need to move something here.

- Hang on. - Ooh. Ooh.

No, that's my leg. No, that's my thigh.

- I think that's my thigh. - Okay, can I lift this up?

Yeah. But you can...

Is there a candle or a flashlight

or anything over there?

Oh, my God.

How could you go down there

after you described that smell?

Oh, crap. That's rewind.

[all] Aah!

Oh! It looks like she's giving birth to it!

[police siren wails]

Video cameras were new

and we were v-very excited about the technology.

You don't have to explain yourself to nobody.

- Thank you. - Alright, here it is.

[gunfire]

[Big Mike on TV] Alright, on me.

I love you, Brenda. One, two, three!

[gunfire]

[bleep]

Aah!

[screaming]

[gunfire]

Oh, my God! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Oh, my God!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Wow.

[chuckles]

[Dangle] 'Never came to work again.'

- Never came to work again. - Never came to work again.

That was it.

What do you think, Jonesy?

- Not a bad look, huh? - 'Kind of good.'

Kind of good, in fact.

'I don't remember this.'

Where's Trudy?

- Oh, no! - Oh, my God, no!

Oh, god, no!

'Oh, my god, no!'

[Williams] 'Itching gas!'

Come on! Come on! Get her out!

Oh, God, no! No!

No!

Goddamn it!

You live, woman.

Goddamn it. You live, Trudy Wiegel!

Oh. Okay. Wait.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You're fine. You're okay.

She's alive. She's alive.

- Mmm. - She's alive.

Is this a surprise party for me?

She was dead for 14 minutes.

Oh, that'll kill a brain right there, yeah.

Shouldn't have revived her.

Nope. That's what the doctor said.

The doctor said should have let her go.

It's like if Marilyn Monroe had woken up from those

sleeping pills and become a dribbling, farting [bleep].

Why are they showing this on TV right now?

- Peace, man. - Take it back. Take it back.

- Good luck to you. - Thank you.

Come here, buddy. Come here. Come here.

I know you're having a rough time, buddy.

- Well, thank you, buddy. - You're gonna make it.

You're gonna make it through this, okay?

I got a little blood in my stool.

Okay. Okay.

This ever happen... Did you ever have any?

Happens all the time. It's a very common thing that happens.

- Don't worry about it. - Totally normal.

- Totally normal. - I wouldn't worry about it.

A little blood in the stool is lucky.

Oh.

- Luck of the Irish. - Luck of the Irish.

Luck of the Irish.