Original subtitles

[mouth organ music]

Okay, so this Friday, 8 p.m.

murder mystery dinner, Sierra Historical Society.

I've rented it out.

Umm, should be lots of fun.

And I have very, very good roles for both of you.

[Williams] 'Is would like to introduce Mrs. Debbie Dangle.'

And may I present my fiance, Gary Werner.

Coming, my love!

Hello!

[Debbie giggles]

Dance for us. Dance, minstrel. Dance.

You know what, bitch? I'm his slave, not yours.

- You're gonna shut up in here. - Are you gonna cut me?

- 'Yes, I am.' - To murder.

- Murder. - Murder.

[Debbie giggles]

[instrumental music]

She's really dead.

[screaming]

What the [bleep]. When are we gonna get to the murder part?

I've been laying on the bathroom floor for three hours.

Ooh.

[instrumental music]

Son of a bitch! Godammit!

[explosion]

[tires screeching]

They all have guns!

[explosion]

Whoo-hoo!

Ow!

Push it to, push it together?

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Aah! Gah!

[siren wailing]

[gunshots]

[groans]

Watch. Over the line.

[screaming]

[explosion]

[siren wailing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Dangle] 'The authorities are on their way.'

- Hey, we're the authorities. - I know.

Well, the, the paramedics are on their way is what I'm...

Paramedics are on their way. I should have clarified.

- Certainly. - It seems as though...

Our murder mystery dinner...

...has become a murder mystery dinner.

The only thing we know for certain

that someone in this room

wanted Debbie Dangle dead.

So much so

to commit such a heinous crime.

Takes me back a little ways.

Takes me back

to Cabo San Lucas.

[all gasp]

[Dangle] 'Leslie, I believe'

we had had four mind erasers

at Sammy Hagar's party joint

Cabo Wabo

when you said to me, and I quote

"Boy, oh, boy, it would be so super if Debbie were dead."

[all gasp]

I said that several times, but I was kidding.

We laughed.

What about Gary?

[all gasp]

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter on radio]

[Junior] 'How you doing, Bernardino?'

Now, some folks down at the Piggly Wiggly

in the produce section, real upset.

- You've been there? - They're upset.

- Yeah. - You've been there?

[Junior] 'Did you see anything while you were down there?'

I'm... I haven't been there for...

...seventy years?

- Seventy years? - Oh.

Yeah. I mean, I haven't been there for...

I mean, I was there seventy years ago, I guess.

You were there at the Piggly Wiggly seventy years ago?

Yeah. So it's been a while.

Yeah, that's a long time.

4:20 this afternoon. Think hard. Produce section.

Area with fruits and vegetables.

A gentleman, Caucasian

about 5'10", roller skates

which made us think...

Maybe it's Terry.

Maybe Terry would know this guy.

Maybe the person that works there is stupid and ugly.

See, it seems, again to me like you might

know this person in the produce section.

I feel like it's coming back.

I don't know any fat women with red hair in the produce section.

Alright, so this is starting to fall into place.

- Our witness, Kelly O'Brien-- - She sounds like a bitch.

She was a little thick, and she wasn't super nice.

- She wasn't super nice. - That's true.

But maybe you got off on the wrong foot

because what were you doing in the produce section?

I was trying fruit on.

Mm-hmm. That's exactly what we got.

- Oh, [bleep]. God! - You see?

Let him go. Let him go.

[Junior] 'I didn't think you could skate on grass.'

'Look at that son of a bitch go.'

[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]

- What about Gary? - Oh! What about Gary?

- What about Gary... - Oh, I'm Gary.

...whose voice-over business is being lost to India

who I saw at the gym two weeks ago nearly in tears

about his loss of income?

We all know that Deb...

...was worth over...

...four hundred... thousand dollars.

[clock chimes]

Four hundred thousand US dollars.

Let me tell you something

that I have never told anyone else.

Some miss lady told me in confidence

that she was really

Debbie Dangle's sister!

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter on radio]

Hey. Are you arresting him?

- Yes, I am. He's-- - That's awesome.

- Just stay back, sir. - Okay. I'll stay back.

I-I-I want to be you someday

when I pass the test to be a cop.

You want to see my gun? I got a gun.

- Whoa, whoa! - Whoa, hey!

Oh, ha, ha. Whoa.

You got a permit for that thing?

Yeah, of course, I got a permit.

- Sweet! - Yeah.

- This is nice. - Yeah.

- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh.

- My gun's bigger than yours. - Yours is bigger than mine.

Whoa.

- So you want to be a cop, huh? - Yeah.

Okay. It ain't as easy as you might think.

I want to be... My dad wanted to be one.

But he was in jail so he couldn't be.

And I'm on Fluoxetine.

It's like Prozac but for poor people.

Look, if you ever try to get on the force...

You don't want to mention any mental disabilities.

Everyone's got a little bit of [bleep] up, okay?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It's a fine line, you know? - Yeah.

But as long as you know how to navigate it, which I do

don't bring it up.

- Oh, okay. Okay, thanks. - Alright.

Okay, dirt bag, time to go to jail.

Yeah, time to go to jail.

[chuckles] Dirt bag.

Hey, do you want me to take him to jail?

I got a badge. I found it in a cop car.

My name is James Dangle.

You're under arrest. Get in the back of the car.

[laughs]Awesome! I'll read myself my rights.

I have the right to remain silent.

[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]

[Trudy] 'She's my half-sister and she did'

'try to kill me several times when we were kids'

but I didn't want her dead.

- Deb was your half-sister? - Yeah. It was 'cause our dad...

My mom was raped by... It's a long story.

- By American Indians. - By an American Indian.

- On a souvenir hunt. - Right. He also raped her mom.

[Gary] 'Wow.'

But I did not want to kill her, and I did not want her dead

and I did not kill her.

However, I had a conversation

with someone in this room...

...someone who shall remain nameless.

Jim Dangle!

[all gasp]

Isn't it true...

...that you told me on the telephone

not four days ago...

...that you were thinking about buying new shoes for yourself

perhaps in brown, maybe even in black?

I did. And I... I got them in that Zappos place online.

- They're nice. - They're like...

- The-these were not even-- - That's all I could think of.

- That's all I got. - They were half the list price.

- Do you guys ever go to Zappos? - Oh, yes.

- Outstanding. - Next day.

Fabulous shoes. They're there the next day.

You type in what you want. You type in your size.

If you do it after you've been drinking, it's like magic.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

[siren wailing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Dangle] 'And I suppose you all suspect me'

because everyone knows that Deb never changed her will.

Well, you are the only one with a gun.

[thunder rumbling]

[all gasp]

He's gonna kill me to shut me up!

Is that what you're gonna do? Well, it won't work!

Okay, for real, this is a prop. This is a prop gun.

Because I was gonna kill the corpse with it.

- Why do you have a gun, Leslie? - This is real. This is re...

I knew I had to defend myself when I came here tonight.

The last time I was at your trailer

I saw you'd been stock piling cyanide.

What?

[thunder rumbling]

It's true.

It's true, but that is because we have

a very serious possum infestation...

...in the trailer park.

And I knew I wanted to get rid of those little buggers...

...once and for all.

That's why I had it and it has nothing to do with the fact

that Deb never changed her will.

And I know that because I went

to the Washoe County Hall of records

to do some investigating.

You can do that online now.

- Can you really? - Yeah.

You can do most everything online now.

Can you look up any records, birth certificates?

I found my great-uncle's birth certificate online.

The Mormons. The Mormons do it for free.

Oh, the Mormons. Yeah.

[instrumental music]

[speaking in foreign language]

What's goin' on?

Oh, it's a, it's a, a sting operation.

Uh, big problem in the Russian community.

They have these sex lines with underage girls.

Totally illegal.

We're trying to trace this guy.

They're the victims. They're the victims.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Oh, okay. - Oh.

- That's-- - Da!

[speaking in foreign language]

Okay, okay, we're gonna make him go too early.

'We're gonna blow him too early.'

I, I think, I think, maybe you better tell this boy

that you're a little, tiny, underage, naughty school girl.

- Yeah. - That's a good point.

- We could nail him on this. - That's right.

And maybe, tell him, tell him that

five and a half inches is plenty big.

[speaking in foreign language]

What, what are you doing?

- Uh... - Uh...

Workin' on that underage phone sex sting, sarge.

- Phone sex sting operation. - All over it.

That's federal. That's FCC.

[moaning]

Which is why we're all over it.

[speaking in foreign language]

It's a real slow day here.

[speaking in foreign language]

Tell the guy, like, you, you, you've been a bad girl...

Uh, give you a spankin'.

[instrumental music]

[siren wailing]

[Dangle] 'Let me take you back in time.'

Back in time to a young scientist...

...named La Fontaine Williams.

La Fontaine Williams

just a young scientist working

for the Fillmore Vacuum Cleaner Company.

'The company that belonged to Debbie's father.'

La Fontaine Williams, father of Raineesha Williams!

[all gasp]

And was he or was he not...

...the inventor of

the couch sucky attachment?

The attach... What do you call them?

- The sucky couch... - The couch...

The sucky couch attachment! Yes, he was!

Yes, he was and, yes, Deb's people

stole from my family!

Yes, they did.

But that doesn't mean I killed her.

White people steal from black people all the time.

Our hair care products, our dances...

- The blues. Rock and roll. - All kinds of stuff.

[doorbell rings]

I'm going to get the door!

- Adorable, fun. - So funny.

Oh, even at a time like this

it's just fun to have her around.

They're like walking angels.

Welcome to the Caribbean, baby.

Aho!

You said it was a dress-up party.

[Dangle] 'Okay, so this is... I meant, I meant...'

By the way, just, just dress up.

Dress-up party, you said. Be there at 8:00.

Dress-up party. Pigs in blankets.

Okay, A, it's almost 9:45.

B, you're dressed like Captain Jack.

I almost went as Iron Man, but it was, like

a hundred and sixty five bucks for a good one.

- Okay! - Borrowed this one.

Super. Bar is that way.

And then, let's talk about this on Monday too.

Uh, uh, my ex-wife and his ex-wife

and his current wife is dead.

Yeah. Murder mystery dinner. I get it.

- No, she's really dead. - No, no, no, she's dead.

Yeah, get it. Murder mystery dinner.

- 'Really dead.' - 'She died.'

Oooh. I get it. What you want to drink?

Steppin' over you, Mrs. Dangle.

Don't step in that. That's real.

[siren wailing]

How many times has this happened to you?

You use your credit card

to purchase pornography on the internet.

Or for adult themed board games or novelty items.

And then you're getting credit card bills

for motor boats and fancy trips to Paris, France.

What happened?

You are a victim of identity theft.

That's why I always use...

...a secure ID

the Master Bait Charge Card.

The card that's only for pornography.

No more fancy trips or boats on me.

Thank you, Master Bait Card.

The Master Bait Charge Card, that is.

[Dangle] Protect your good name with a master bait

porno only personal credit card for him or her.

[siren wailing]

- Whoa! Hello, ma'am. - Hi.

Hi. Oh, hi.

- Hi, boo. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

I really... I'm really...

I'm really, I'm really, really, really glad

that you're here because I was in distress.

- Okay. Wh-wh-what's-- - Damsel in distress.

What is the nature of your emergency, ma'am?

I was hoping that you could help me bust up a chifforobe.

I'll give you a dollar.

Ma'am, I'm a, I'm a police officer.

- I'm here for emergency... - And this is an emergency.

And I-I'm not here to bust up chifforobes or...

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You would not be here if you did not feel

what I feel, like, what I feel right now.

Like the birds are humming in the background.

The air is perfect, okay?

I just finished spaghetti.

Like, everything is working out.

Lady, listen, um...

Thank you for calling me a lady.

I can't--

That only makes me like you so much more

because you are a gentleman, you know?

Like, there are so few gentlemen out there

especially gentlemen that are willing to come here

and bust up a chifforobe for a dollar.

Like, that is really ju...

Don't follow me.

See you tomorrow!

[indistinct chatter on radio]

I should have never put my [bleep] in her.

See, that's my fault. Shame on me.

Shame on me.

[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]

[indistinct chatter on radio]

Look, I'm, uh, really sorry about your loss.

It's never easy.

We're gonna run outside

do a quick toxicology report.

We'll be back in, and, and um...

Captain Jack?

He said it was a dress-up party.

Oh, give it a rest. Give it a rest!

Give it a rest.

Well, nobody asked me, but the one with

the most motive to kill Debbie Dangle Frost...

- 'Williams.' - What?

Revenge is sweet, ain't it, Williams?

[Williams] No. I...

Especially since your daddy did have

the patent on the Fillmore vacuum nozzle

that would make you worth over $400,000

and you'd never have to sheriff again, would you?

What jus... No.

But what you know and what you told me once

when you were really drunk, but you probably don't remember is

your dad also pulled out a patent on mousetrap

the board game and that was eight, nine years

after Parker Brothers had it on the shelves.

He tried to patent beaver shots

just the term beaver shots, three peat

uh, way after Phil Jackson had the patent.

Yeah. Bat[bleep] crazy bananas.

So cross you off the list

and that brings us to Trudy Wiegel.

Debbie really did treat you like a [bleep], didn't she?

Really, really, really horrible.

But what people in the room don't know and only you do know

is that when she was having all that problems

from the gastric bypass surgery

Trudy gave her a kidney.

I did, I also tried to give her my gall bladder

but it, it had already been removed.

Didn't want it, didn't need one, didn't want it.

That brings us to Leslie over here.

Real good motive, considering that he probably thought

that he was still in her will.

But what people here don't know is

that your father's a pretty well known politician

and he pays Leslie Frost here

a stipend of $40,000 a month

to stay out of Hartford, Connecticut.

That brings us to big boy here.

'Obviously a man like this would only marry a lady'

like Debbie Dangle for money, but...

Puh-leez.

The reason that I was late to this

fancy, little accusatory fest

you got going here is I was out behind

the dumpster with Cindy, finishing a Mickey's

'big mouth, I was hoping to parlay'

into a [bleep] job.

And that's when I heard

this young gentleman [bleep]

'Debbie Dangle Frost eight ways till Sunday.'

Guilty.

I hate to blow your cover, but this man

flaming heterosexual.

- Flaming. - 'Oh, [bleep]!'

You could hear it in his voice.Oh, [bleep].

- Car rockin'. - Oh, I love [bleep].

[Dangle] 'That explains a lot.'

[Junior] 'And that only leaves one person.'

[thunder rumbling]

Jim Dangle.

[siren wailing]

[siren wailing]

[Junior] 'Jim Dangle, who two days ago'

went to the hall of records to verify

that he was indeed still the sole benefactor

of Debbie Dangle's will, which he was.

Not only is his trailer full of cyanide

he also, two weekends ago, volunteered

to take an unpaid

toxicology course at the sheriff's department

down in Carson City.

Unpaid eight hours on a weekend to study toxicology.

[Dangle] 'I love my job.'

A man with that much cyanide.

A man with that certificate

in toxicology and it wasn't really a degree

it was just a little certificate

that they issued to you

would know that if you drank one glass of white wine

you'd be fine, two, you'd be okay

but if you snorted down half a bottle like the water buffalo

that was Debbie Dangle Frost

you'd be as dead...

Well, as dead as Debbie Dangle Frost.

Take him away, Williams. Yes.

Put it down. It's a prop, you idiot.

- You already told us. - What? You was gonna shoot me?

I panicked. I was.. I panicked. Sorry.

Yous got the right to remain silent

and anythings you say

shall be used against you in a court of law.

You can drop the act, Dangle.

- Oh, my gosh. - Well, we ran a report.

And, uh, it seems that

little miss former fatty

had one too many pigs in a blanket.

It compromised the integrity of her lower bowel.

Her stomach exploded. The staples came out.

It's not murder.

[all gasp]

- Oh. Wow. - No, no, no.

Don't worry. She was a real [bleep] of a woman.

[thunder rumbling]

[mouth organ music]

[Junior] 'Hey, let's not tell Dangle.'

[Wiegel] 'Stir-fried mice.'

[laughter]

I was at...

The, the chicken and skate.

You were at the chicken and skate. Okay.

Kids skate in a little rink

and they skate around and then they would have the guy

with the little chicken and he would go...

And he would throw chicken at you.

Oh, what a great place to take the family.

It was so perfect for families.

- Yeah. - It was perfect for families.

My fa... My dad used to bring me there.

Yeah, it makes me sad nowadays

that there ain't a place where you can skate

and have people...

...throw their chicken at you.

[Rizzo] 'I'm getting all nostalgic.'