Original subtitles

[man #1] 'Do what I say!'

- Sheriff's Department! - Don't you talk back to--

What? She likes it rough.

She likes it rough.

Yeah, yeah. Stay for the show...

You know, there's openings in, uh...

I saw there's openings in Flagstaff, Arizona.

- Yeah, I applied. - Did you apply, too?

Yeah, they're not interested.

- They're not... - No.

Oh, so their standards are pretty high.

Yeah.

[theme music]

Son of a bitch. Goddammit.

[explosion]

[tires screeching]

[grunts]

They all have guns!

[explosion]

[whooping]

Ow!

Push 'em together.

Sheriff's department! I need your bike!

Oh, God!

[siren wailing]

[gunfire]

[grunts]

[indistinct chatter]

[screams]

[explosion]

- 'Don't you judge me.' - 'No, we don't judge--'

- Don't you judge me. - Then don't call us.

- Then don't call for help. - I had to. I'm in pain.

- Andrew! - I'm in so much pain!

Andrew, if you don't wanna be judged

don't call the Sheriff's Department.

Look, look, look.

It is not my finest hour.

Are you stuck in...

...side or under?

A little bit of all that.

Can I ask you a question man to man?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I don't know her very well.

Are you going in the front or the back?

'Cause I can't honestly--

Right now, I'm doing the front 'cause I already--

I sort of messed up the back already.

[exhales]

Sort of messed up the back.

Oh, I'm getting judged so completely!

Kids at home, if you're watching, uh...

There's a whole lot of predicaments in the world

you can get out of with a simple understanding

of some physics and some chemistry.

So what you're gonna do, wipe.

- Okay, warm. - Hot, hot, hot.

Reach around.

And you're gonna cup her lady parts.

I'll give her the old reach-around.

Yeah. Get real, real, real, real super hot.

And now, I'm gonna come in cold on your manhood.

- Right, right. - You ready?

- Okay. Ready? - Okay.

22, 42, 32!

Hut! Hike!

[screams]

[breathing heavily]

[screaming in pain]

Hang on. She's giving. She's giving. She's giving.

[screaming]

She just kneed me in the face.

- Okay, I got her. - She kneed me in the face.

- I got her. I got her. - Okay.

Alright. How you feeling? Alright?

Yeah, it's good seeing you guys.

- Good seeing you, too, man. - Yeah.

[upbeat music]

[Travis] 'You know, you pay good money for a shoelace.'

'You don't need to throw the whole thing away.'

Let me try it.

[knocks on door]

Sorry. Hi. Um, I'm just dropping by.

Uh, confessing to a murder.

Uh, basically, there was a, uh, a death.

A man was murdered in Thailand three months ago.

Uh, it's on the Interpol site.

And I am wracked with guilt, can't sleep.

And I'm here to just confess.

And, you know, put the bracelets on me or...

You call them bracelets, right?

I was watching some cop show.

- Handcuffs. - Alright.

What did you do? What did you do again?

Bludgeoned a man to death three months ago in Thailand.

It's on the Interpol website.

And these are the war hammers that did it.

And I'm here to confess.

What was your name again?

Last name is Coe. C-O-E.

C-O-E.

And then my first name is Jillet.

- Coe? - J-I-L-L-E-T.

There's not an "E" on the end.

And then there's a hyphen.

I wasn't even listening. Sorry.

- Hyphen "Ben." Jillet-Ben. - Jillet-Ben.

And then the last name is Coe.

Cindy, could you get me through to...

Thailand.

The country of Thailand.

The Department of Justice?

We have got a detainee who has confessed to...

Jillet-Ben Coe.

...to a murder in Thailand.

Mr. Gian Diep?

Yes, sir.

Uh...

Two deputies to fly him to Thailand?

Uh, y-yes, sir.

We don't have a plane here at the Reno Sh--

We'd fly first-class to Thailand.

Do all three of us-- Do I get to go?

[upbeat music]

- Hey. - Hey.

- I got a problem. - Okay.

This says it is overnight delivery.

Right.

The date it was sent is three days ago.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Let me show you something.

Oh, my...

This...

This is what happened as a result of your tardiness.

- Right there. - 'Is he-- He's dead?'

Yup.

I will say, if this were to come on the day

that it was supposed to, who'd be not alive?

You. You wouldn't be alive.

Don't go there. That's none of your business.

So it sounds like a thank-you time.

Sounds like thank-you time to me.

Not at all. Not at all.

That has nothing to do with anything.

This is about the principle of the matter.

Adolf Hitler. Familiar with the man?

I am not-- Yes, well, yeah.

- Everybody is. - Everybody knows who Adolf--

- Killed 7 million basically. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sure some of those people would have been murderers.

- Just statistically. - Sure.

- Of course. - Well--

- Shut up. Yes. - Am I Adolf--

Alright. Am I Adolf Hitler in this equation?

Watch what happens.

So now, I can say, "Oh, you know what?

"A bunch of people didn't get killed

"because of those murderers.

Adolf Hitler is my hero."

- That's you. - That's an upside.

- It's called half-full. - You're Adolf Hitler.

It's called half-full.

Okay, actually, I have another package

that's for you from John Q. Public

and it's supposed to be here today.

So it's in the truck and, uh...

Good.

[explosion]

[siren wailing]

I'm gonna need you to sign.

[alarm ringing]

[upbeat music]

- Have a seat. - Okay.

- Come on in. - We're clear.

- Welcome aboard. - Clear.

I'll be 3A, which is the window.

Just twist. Can you go maybe down underhand there?

- What? Which way? Which way? - Okay. No, that's good.

That's comfortable.

Okay. How long's this flight?

It's 14 hours.

But regardless, sir, we can't have you in this situation.

It's not safe for either of you.

- We are first-class. - I understand.

Why don't you two switch over here

so that he gets here--

I don't mean to be rude, but then we're gonna have

the same problem where this is not safe for you guys.

Ah, you're already up, sir.

Why don't you head up over here?

- Ah... - 'I would insist, sir.'

- 'That would be...' - 3B, 3B.

Do we get charged to change seats?

Is there, like, a $50

like one of them fees that they do?

Of course not. No.

'Cause on the Greyhound, when you switch seats...

- They do charge you there. - Yeah, they do.

They do 35 bucks.

I wanna have the aisle seat. Thank you.

Wait. If you can just have a seat, relax.

Oh, stretching my little legs out. I like that.

We'd love to bring you your beverages and get started.

Whoo.

[rattling]

- 'Yes?' - Hey.

- Hi. - How you doing?

- Great. Nuts? - Yeah. Look at that.

- Whoa. Okay. - Yeah.

Hey, these are warm.

Yes. They're toasted.

- On purpose? - Yes.

Toasted nuts? Warm nuts.

Just don't run with it.

My associate, Jones, needs his nuts warmed, please.

[Jones laughing]

Oh, you need your nuts warmed?

- Here. I'll get it for you. - Absolutely.

[instrumental music]

[El Chupacabra] 'Si,we're back on "El Chupacabra"'

because sucking con Chupito.

Chupi Chupi, como estas, mi amor?

[speaking Spanish]

Ah, she ready to suck anything.

And we're here with the Reno Sheriff's Department.

Well, we're here

from the Reno Sheriff's Department...

Covered that.

...to let everyone know that we are having

a Reno family fun day.

- Super family fun day! - Whoa! That sound like fun!

When is it?

- Well, Chupacabra, it's May 5. - May 5.

Whoa! Cinco de Mayo!

That's the same as May 5.

♪ Cinco de Mayo Cinco de Mayo ♪

♪ Cinco de Mayo same day as May 5 ♪

Okay, we're going to have a party for KPBA as well

on Cinco de Mayo.

Where's your party?

Oh, well, ours is at the Reno Downtown Park.

- In the municipal-- - The municipal park.

Oh, that's where our party is, too.

- Si! Nuestra fiesta! -You're having a party, too?

Are you guys in the parking lot or in the park?

- Ours is in the parking lot. - In the parking lot.

Oh, like homeless people.

We will be inside. What will you have at your party?

Well, we are gonna have some homeless people.

We are going to have three dragons that skateboard.

We're not gonna have skateboarding dragons

but we will have an egg toss

and it's hardboiled eggs so nothing gets too messy.

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, we are going to shave the police's balls

until they look like huevos.

Cocorico! Cocorico!

[theme music]

[theme music]

[indistinct radio chatter]

[Raineesha] 'Oh, here we go.'

- 'Hey!' - Uh-uh.

- Keep following the cards. - Party is over.

Break it up, right? Break it up.

We gotta take you in.

- Oh, come on, now. - No.

You can't be doing this scam on people. I know what you do.

You say, "Hey, find the queen. Find the queen."

And then there's no queen, see? Holy [bleep]

I just found the queen.

See? Yeah, you would have just won $20.

- I would have won $20? - Okay but she didn't, so...

Yeah, if you had put money down, you would have won $20.

That's all I'm saying.

- Rai, I'm feeling lucky today. - 'No.'

- Yes, remember? - No.

I found cotton balls at the bottom of my grocery bag

and I hadn't even bought cotton balls.

This is my lucky day, Rai.

- Shut up! Here! - Oh, sorry, ma'am.

♪ [bleep] you, [bleep] you ♪

- Alright. - Suck it.

One more. Yeah. Alright.

One more! Never, never, never down.

- Look for the queen! - Look for the queen...

- Where you at, queen? - Where she at?

Shh!

- I heard her right there. - Sorry.

Squeak! There she was.

Holla back, queen! Holla!

That's how we do it in Reno , bitch.

- You scaring me now. - Crime do not pay.

- That's some kind of con. - Not today.

No way.

I told you, Rai. I told you.

I might need to borrow a few dollars.

You see that? Because you don't listen.

[bleep] me!

[bleep] me!

You don't [bleep] me like that.

I'll [bleep] you.

'I will [Bleep] you!'

Get him, Trudy!

You got it, girl.

Whoa, whoa. I just saw a penny.

Rai, I found a penny.

[instrumental music]

[Jim] We're at Mile Marker 61 on Route 8.

We got a major collision.

White Caucasian male. Sir? Sir?

Sir? Are you okay? Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Could you get me away from this car, please?

Okay, yeah. He is not okay at all.

We need EMTs right away. How long can we expect them?

I've been in a goddamn car accident.

That's what's wrong.

Okay, sir, stay calm.

The EMTs are about 30 minutes away.

No, you don't understand. I'm not gonna make it that long.

Okay, let me tell you something.

- I'm a doctor, okay? - Okay.

And I've got hemostatic pressure in my abdomen, alright?

I'm gonna bleed out-- Bleed before they get here.

So I'm gonna have to have you guys operate on me.

[both] One, two, three!

[doctor screams]

Hold on! Wait, wait! Wait!

- Okay, what is it? - Here we go.

Is this good?

This is the absolute worst possible way that you could be

carrying me right now.

Just breathe. You're gonna be just fine.

In the backseat of my car, there's a doctor's bag

with my surgical instruments in it.

What does the bag look like?

- It's a [bleep] doctor's bag. - Okay!

Can you describe it more specifically or just is it--

You ever seen "Little House On The Prairie"?!

You ever seen Doc Baker

on "Little House On The Prairie"?

You seen a doctor's bag before?

- 'You just keep breathing.' - 'I see it!'

[instrumental music]

Hold on. Hold on. Come over here.

"I shaved my balls for this?"

'Really?'

You know, when I was a kid, we would wear...

I remember, a nice tube top.

I'd get all dressed up in my koolats...

My gauchos, my pumps, a brassiere, a pocketbook.

And I'd shuffle off to school like a lady.

Stop! Turn around.

[gasps] You did this on purpose. Come here. Huh!

She gonna take her rubber band to tie up her shirt.

There.

Yes, now you look like you going somewhere in life.

Mm-hmm. Mm! Work it. Mm!

Uh-ah-ah. Really?

Seriously?

What is this?

Raineesha, what the hell?

This nonsense, this foolishness.

I don't even understand what all this--

Take them damn glasses off.

Now, listen, mama loves you.

Alright? And I want the best for you.

Alright?

This is some expensive hair.

And you gonna let it swing. You understand me?

Get your ass to class.

And I'm gonna see you after school, alright?

That's right.

That's right!

- That's your daughter Danielle. - That girl is cute.

She looks terrific.

You know, you were right about the implants.

- They look great on her. - Don't they?

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Make a three-inch incision above my appendix.

[grunting]

I got it, I got it. I got it.

What does the spleen look like, doc?

- Aah! God! - Okay, the spleen--

The spleen look like a piece of uncooked halibut.

"Uncooked halibut"?

What exactly does a halibut look like?

- It's a white fish? - It's a white fish...

- Is it a large fish? - No. It's a light white fish.

- 'Okay, it's not too heavy.' - Okay, wait. Hang on.

Is that it? Is that it? Right?

No, no! That's my liver.

No, no, no! Put it back. Put it back! Put it back!

[cell phone rings]

- Oh, God. - Okay.

That's the hospital's ringtone.

- Who's that? - I need you to answer that.

Where's your phone? Where's your phone?

In my right pocket.

Where's your phone? Where's your phone?

Dr. B. Rosen's phone?

Uh, yeah, he's a little tied up right now.

Oh, God!

Uh, it's an emergency. It's your office.

It's about Deborah, your patient Deborah.

Okay, no, it's Deborah.

That's one of my patients. She's having a baby, okay?

- She's into labor. - Oh, my God.

Okay, Deborah 's in labor?

What-what am I supposed to ask?

I'm gonna have to talk her husband through the delivery.

Okay, we're gonna to talk her through the delivery. Hang on.

I need him to look at her vagina.

How much is she dilated?

Look at her vagina. How dilated is it?

Is it the size of the top of a soup can?

Is it the size of a top of a soup can?

- It's bigger than that. - Okay. The baby's coming.

- It's almost there, okay? - Just keep pushing, alright?

Let me know when the shoulders come through the cervix.

Have you seen the shoulders? Can you see shoulders yet?

Are the shoulders coming out yet?

You push! Yes, they can see the shoulders!

Keep pushing. Keep pushing.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- They did it! It's out! - They got it?! It's out!

- Listen! Listen! - That's good. Okay.

Oh, my God! That's wonderful!

- I need you to-- - We're happy you did it.

Congratulations!

I need you to tie off the umbilical cord.

- Tie off the umbilical cord. - No, no, no!

No, no, no! They tie off the umbilical cord.

Andy needs to tie off the umbilical cord...

Andy, you need to tie off the umbilical cord.

He doesn't have an umbilical cord.

- You obviously don't have an... - Then what is this?!

Snip it and then clamp it?

Snip and clamp. Snip and clamp.

Got it! Got it! Got it!

Go ahead and clamp it very tight.

- You did great, guys. - 'Stitch.'

You did great, guys. Okay, just apply pressure.

- Okay. - I'm good.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

♪ Goody goody goody goody goody bags ♪

♪ I just got a little goody bag ♪

I got socks. What'd you get?

♪ I'm gonna open it and see what's inside ♪

♪ 'Cause I got a goody bag

Tissues.

Oh, I don't want-- I don't want-- No.

How much is that?

It's complimentary.

Complimentary, meaning...

Again, free.

It always means free here.

Could I get a vodka martini, please?

Shaken, not stirred.

A little dirty with two olives.

Put a shot of jage in there.

Oh, okay.

[theme music]

[theme music]

[bell tolls]

Uh, ah, ah!

That's a Reno no-no.

If you have toddlers in the house

keep your guns up high and out of reach.

Remember...

If it's got bullets and a trigger

keep it up high until they get bigger.

[bell tolls]

The same with poisons.

And drugs.

If it gets you high or makes you sick

store it up high and put it there quick.

Same with hardcore pornography, like girl on girl

and full penetration fetish magazines.

Put that porn in its proper place.

This has been a message

from your Reno Sheriff's Department.

♪ Caribbean queen

♪ Now we're sharin' the same dream ♪

♪ That our hearts may beat as one ♪

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you all just please keep it down?

♪ And no more love on the run ♪

♪ Caribbean queen

♪ Now we're sharin' the same dream... ♪

I'll go high. You go low.

♪ And that our heart may beat as one ♪

Yeah, do it.

[singing off key]

Could you stop singing?

[laughing]

Mile high club!

[whooping]

Alright. Which one of you masturbated in the bathroom?

Not-- Not me. I was cuffed to a lawman.

The mirror is a mess.

That don't count. That don't count.

That counts. That totally counts.

- That don't count. - Yeah, of course it does.

- No, that don't count. - Does that count?

It counts.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter on PA]

[Trudy] 'Did you send me a stripper?'

- You like it?! - I don't.

I don't like it.

Oh, my God. I got a good price on that one for you!

Cindy, I'm not-- I'm not into girls.

And it was very uncomfortable for me.

- Oh, no. - Yes.

Oh, no!

I take care of an elderly woman on Sundays

and she was over at my house.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- Oh, I didn't know that. - Yeah.

Oh, she is the best one, though.

She was good.

She is the best one in the whole area.

Yeah, she was good.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna get my carpet completely clean.

Oh, she-- Oh...

You know, she has trained many year to do that skill.

Yeah. Oh, she has mastered it completely.

Oh, oh, that's so good. I'm happy.

Yeah, and she stayed a long time.

I think she was waiting for her tip.

Did you tip her?

I was supposed to tip her?

Yeah, then that's when they leave, you see.

It was a gift.

Yeah, but still, you know, even if you pay for it...

You still tip on a gift?

And then they leave, yeah.

- Oh, now I'm humiliated. - Yeah.

Well, here...

Will you send her back to my house this weekend

and tell her I'll give her an extra great tip?

- Okay. - Just--

It's only-- Not because I'm interested

but just because...

- Yeah. It's polite. - You know.

'Cause I'm embarrassed.

- Yeah. That, too. - Yeah.

Okay I'm sorr-- I never send girl dancer ever again.

Never. This Saturday...

- Okay. - Again, but never after that.

Okay. Oh, one more time...

- Yeah. - Only.

[instrumental music]

You guys did real good today.

Ah, come on.

It was the least we could do.

- Come on, doc. - You did good.

That's right. You did good.

You delivered a baby into the world.

Oh, my god! I forgot. It was a girl!

Hey! Hey! Congratulations.

Yeah, I know it was, alright? I'm a doctor.

I saw the ultrasound, so...

Oh, alright.

Of course. Well, that would make sense.

Yeah, sure. You knew that already.

- It was exciting for us. - It was exciting.

I thought it would be fun to tell you.

Sure, yeah. But I knew it already.

So, listen, if my cell phone turns up, alright

would you make sure you send it over

to St. Clark's Medical Center?

- You betcha. - Will do. You betcha.

Thank you. Excellent.

- Alright. We will. - Godspeed.

- I was holding it and then... - I saw you with it.

And then you-you put it down...

I know.

- And, uh... - I know.

- At some point, it'll ring. - And my watch is gone.

My watch was here. I know I had my watch.

At some point, it'll ring and we'll find them both.

[theme music]

[theme music]

You know, for a guy who's being extradited

for crimes in Thailand...

Mm...

...you're pretty [bleep] weird.

Well...

...I've never been to Thailand.

[laughing]

This guy, this big old guy got murdered in Thailand.

Someone bludgeoned him and I just said

"You know what I'm gonna do?

"I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna confess."

I put my hand up, and I thought

I'll get a plane ride with drinks and gifts.

I didn't think it was gonna go this far.

And here I-- Here we are.

We was having drinks

and he made himself happy in the bathroom

and all this free stuff.

And look at all these little...

♪ Little tiny soldiers on my armrest ♪

It just worked out. Mm.

[laughing]

Thailand!

We're going to Thailand!

And we're gonna keep that eye on you every minute.

- Oh, you better. - Look at this.

Thailand.

[all chanting] Thailand! Thailand! Thailand! Thailand!

Okay stop, please. Please. Quiet, okay?

- Hi. - We-- Hi.

You're being ejected.

- Huh? What? - From the plane, yes.

You're gonna turn this plane around?

We're already halfway there.

[chuckles]

We're still on the ground, okay?

We haven't left the gate.

You've gone through six bottles of champagne

in 20 minutes.

Ooh.

[bleep]

Yeah.

- Our bad. - Our bad.

[trumpeting]

And the marshal's already out there?

Yes.

Alright. Hang on, hang on. Look.

Well, I will just--

I'm sorry, everyone.

I made two puppet friends.

- That's very nice. - From the plane. Now...

Please exit quickly and quietly, please.

I got it. I got it, okay?

Saving the marshal a little bit of work here.

- Alright. - Alright.

Hang on. Let me-- Let me

grab on to the bottom of your coat.

- Just goodbye. - Goodbye.

I'm so sorry, everyone.

We'll be taking off shortly.

- Thank you for your patience. - "The Muppet Show."

[laughs]

Goodbye.