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HOST: T o night's stars,

O zzie Ne I s o n, Harriet Ne I s o n,

R o ger Davis,

and Cesare Dan o va.

For the benefit of those of you

who have not visited art lover soirees before,

I am your guide, host, curator.

I introduce the hanging goodies

with just a few words of explanation

as to how we secure them for our exhibit.

Sometimes a loan, sometimes a direct purchase,

frequently a shovel.

Tonight, we offer you the sour fruit of a scientist's failure.

For there are apparently some things that can't be accomplished.

And therein lies the tale and hangs the picture

in this, the Night Ga Il ery.

(ALL MURMURING SOFTLY)

Dr. Coolidge.

Hello. Good morning.

Hello, Dr. Burgess.

MAN: (SPEAKING SOFTLY) What do you think he's up to?

Uh, gentlemen, I bid you welcome.

For the benefit of those of you who may not know me,

I am Henry Millikan.

And you, I acknowledge,

are a collection of some of the finest

scientific minds of our time.

I'm sorry, there weren't more of you

who responded to my invitation...

Uh, Mr. Millikan, it's quite late.

Do you suppose we could get on with it?

Dr. Burgess, my wife should be here any minute.

I am so sorry.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm so sorry darling.

Please forgive me.

I just forgot.

Ladies and gentlemen, my wife Helena.

Dilatory but delightful.

How do you do?

Won't you please sit down?

The object you see in the bottom of this beaker

is just an ordinary rock,

taken from my front yard.

As a matter of fact, my wife Helena found it for me.

Well, actually, I brought it in several days after I found it.

When Henry says I'm dilatory...

Now... Now darling.

Don't worry about it.

Almost since the beginning of civilization,

man has been interested in the transmuting of base metals into noble ones.

Mr. Millikan, "the base metals into the noble ones"?

Aren't you talking about alchemy?

Uh, in a sense, yes.

Uh, if you will forgive us, Mr. Millikan.

We came here ostensibly

to witness a scientific experiment.

And now you tell us that we are to be witnesses to the...

Making of gold.

That's right. Gold from rock.

If you'll just bear with me.

Transmutation process should take approximately 30 seconds.

(SCREAMING)

(COUGHING)

(STAMMERING) Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.

It looks like my experiment

was in the nature of a...

Mild failure.

The experiment, Mr. Millikan

has not been a failure.

It has served to reinforce

an opinion held of you by many of us for many, many years.

Namely, that you are a hybrid cross

between an eccentric, a charlatan and a carnival barker!

Whatever!

The one thing you are not, sir, is a scientist!

(STUTTERING) A little patience, gentlemen.

A little patience?

A year ago, this month, Mr. Millikan,

you had me here to witness a perpetual motion machine you'd invented.

It ran for exactly 12 seconds,

and then two wheels fell off.

The year before that,

it was a chemical you injected into a hamster

that would bring back instant youth.

The rodent somersaulted twice in the air and fell dead.

(STUTTERING)

In the interest of time and trouble Mr. Millikan,

may I suggest to you, sir, please,

when you draw up the invitation list

for your next exhibition,

please eliminate my name.

And mine.

And mine as well!

(STUTTERING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Henry, dear.

If at first you don't succeed...

Oh, don't worry. I'll try again.

Well, the problem is they don't appreciate you.

That seems to be the case,

judging by the sparsity of the turnout.

Oh, I'm afraid that's mostly my fault.

I didn't send out most of the invitations until much too late.

I had them in my desk,

and I quite forgot them.

I was late as usual, Henry.

Don't worry, darling. That's all right.

I'm going down to the vault to do some work.

Could you call me in about two hours,

in case I get immersed and forget?

Oh, and... Would you tidy up the room a bit?

Oh, immediately, Henry. Immediately!

(LAUGHS)

Helena, darling.

Yes, Henry?

What was it you were going to do?

What was I going to do?

I was uh...

Do you mind reminding me, Henry, darling?

I'm so forgetful.

You're gonna tidy up the room, remember, dear?

Oh, of course.

(SIGHS)

Uh, Helena?

Helena, darling?

Yes, Henry?

Uh, what time is it?

(APOLOGETICALLY) Oh, Henry.

"Oh, Henry."

That sweet, precious, lovable, mindless woman!

See, darling? I made a fire for you.

You didn't call me when two hours were up, sweetheart.

You didn't even call me when four hours were up.

Oh, I forgot.

But I did make a lovely fire.

Yes, it's a beautiful fire.

Did you also remember to cook dinner?

Dinner.

HENRY: Dar I ing, d o y o u remember what y o u said ear I ier this evening?

HELENA: What I said?

Yeah, ab o ut my trying again.

I f at first I d o n't succeed...

O f c o urse, my dar I ing.

Well, that's precisely what I'm going to do.

Now, I had in mind

that absolute crowning achievement.

A scientific theory so totally, devastatingly monumental,

that I dare not even speak about it aloud.

And, you my darling, you shall be a part of it.

Oh, Henry, I'm so undeserving.

Nevertheless, you're going to be an integral part

of an earth-shattering triumph of man over the elements.

Now, do you suppose you could remember

to come down to the vault

and get me before 1:00?

I'll be working late

but I'm on the verge, Helena.

I'm on the verge.

By 1:00 in the morning!

Absolutely, Henry.

I shall be as an alarm clock to you!

Excellent, my darling. Excellent!

Oh, and one thing.

Don't forget to set the alarm.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Helena?

Helena?

Oh, Henry.

What time is it?

It's about 4:00.

Oh, my goodness. You said...

It doesn't matter a particle, my lovely.

Not a particle.

I have something here that will make me famous

and you, darling, immortal.

Oh, that's nice, Henry.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(LIQUIDS BUBBLING)

Uncle Henry?

Uncle Henry?

I'm down in the vault, George.

Uncle Henry, I have to talk to you.

Come on down, George.

How is your Aunt Helena?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

Aunt Helena is a very sick woman.

Oh, I don't doubt it, George.

Say, would you like some wine?

We have some remarkable sherry.

Sometimes, Uncle Henry, I don't think

the seriousness of this is getting across to you.

The seriousness of it, George?

Uncle Henry, I'd be doing you a disfavor

if I didn't tell you that Aunt Helena

is simply not responding to medication.

Her condition is considerably more serious

than it was last week.

Oh, I understand that, George.

Believe me, I do.

And I completely trust your medical judgment.

It's rather a favorable comment on my judgment.

Young man I helped through medical school

turns out to be a first rate, jim-dandy doctor.

Uncle Henry.

Uncle Henry.

Aunt Helena is dying.

Well, I'm not surprised, George.

I'm not surprised at all.

There's no question that it's food poisoning of some sort.

Unfortunately, the lab tests

haven't been able to classify it yet.

Which means that we can't come up with a proper antidote.

(LAUGHS) Naturally, George!

Because there isn't any.

Say, are you sure, you don't want some wine?

Uncle Henry.

Don't you understand what I'm saying to you?

Now, Aunt Helena is dying.

And there isn't a thing we can do about it.

About her dying? Well, obviously not, George.

Man proposes and God disposes.

How long do you think it's gonna take, George?

She's been late with everything during her life.

I suppose she'll be late with her dying, too.

Good Lord, Uncle Henry.

That's got to be the most unfeeling...

George!

There are elements here

that are beyond our comprehension.

Uh, Helena darling, don't you worry a particle.

It'll be all over soon.

Uncle Henry.

Uncle Henry.

Yes, George?

If... If I didn't know you better,

if I didn't know the kind of relationship

that you and Aunt Helena had...

Uh, yes, George? What would you think?

I'd think...

Well, I might even attempt to prove

that this very predictable death

was predictable,

because it was not accidental.

You mean you think I'm trying to do away with your Aunt Helena?

Do me an enormous favor, Uncle Henry.

Tell me otherwise.

You... You try a man, George.

You really do.

Uh, follow me.

Helena, darling. Can you hear me?

Tell George, dear.

Tell him what we've got planned.

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Aunt Helena, did Uncle Henry give you poison?

But, you didn't take it against your will.

You knew you were taking it. Tell him, sweetheart.

Aunt Helena.

Tell me why? Why?

Because... Henry's going to bring me back to life.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

Now, my precious, we begin the process

that will return you to the living.

GEORGE: Uncle Henry, are you down there?

Yeah, I'm down here with your Aunt Helena, George.

I'll be up directly.

Now, my darling,

precisely five minutes, and you'll be back with me.

That's all it takes.

A bit of sherry, George?

You look as if you could use some.

It's a little after midnight.

I hope you're honoring our bargain, George.

Remember, you promised not to notify anyone

until three hours had elapsed.

I'm afraid I lied, Uncle Henry.

I called the police.

They're on their way here right now.

You shouldn't have done that, George.

They're going to be very annoyed.

Uncle Henry, I think the most essential thing

is that you get yourself a lawyer.

A lawyer? A very good one.

Why on earth would I need a lawyer?

You are going to be charged with homicide.

Most likely, first degree murder. Do you understand?

(LAUGHS) That's humorous, George.

Really, that's very humorous.

How can there be a homicide without a victim?

There has to be a victim.

What do you think that is down there in your vault?

That's your Aunt Helena down the vault.

And in a few minutes, a very few minutes,

she's gonna come walking up those stairs.

And, George, she'll be very much alive.

All right. Let me see her.

Well, of course!

She is irrevocably,

unarguably

and unequivocally dead.

Unequivocally, unarguably,

but not irrevocably, George.

Don't you understand? She's coming back to life again!

I've injected her with my serum.

It revitalizes the heart and the brain cells.

It infuses life into the dead.

She'll be coming back any minute.

Darling?

Sweetheart, time to get up.

Darling?

Darling?

Sweetheart, time to start breathing.

Darling, time to start breathing again.

Sweetheart.

It's time.

Overdue.

Uncle Henry, the police are gonna be here in just a minute now.

I don't want you to say anything.

You just stay silent. I'll do all the talking.

Let me handle it.

It's obviously a case of temporary insanity, and that's all.

(STUTTERING) I don't know what happened.

She should be back with us...

She's not coming back!

Now, look at her. She's dead.

Your serum is like your alchemy,

your youth elixir, your perpetual motion machine.

All worthless, useless, non-functioning. Don't you understand?

Do you think this means prison, George?

It means a hospital for the criminally insane.

Something of that sort.

Something of that sort wouldn't appeal at all, George.

I wouldn't care for that at all.

As for life without Helena...

I'll be up in my room, George,

in case the police want me.

OFFICER: Beaumont?

The woman is dead.

That's what I told you on the phone.

You say the poison was administered by her husband.

Is that it?

But with extenuating circumstances.

My uncle...

My uncle isn't normal.

Well, is he normal enough to put on his coat

and come downtown with us while we book him?

He'll have to get a lawyer.

We'll explain all that to him.

But he'll have to come along with us.

The coroner's on his way over now to take a look at the body.

If you'll wait here, gentlemen, I'll get my uncle.

Uncle Henry?

Uncle Henry, the police are here. They're waiting for you.

Uncle Henry?

Uncle Henry?

Uncle Henry?

Well, where is he?

He's joined his wife.

What's that supposed to mean, Doctor?

My uncle is dead.

Well, under the circumstances,

that's probably all for the best.

When the coroner comes, tell him we'll be upstairs.

(DOOR OPENING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

HELENA: George, dear, where's Henry?

As usual, I'm late.

(SHAKILY) No.

No.

No.

(THUDDING)

Take your positions if you will now.

The camera's ready and smile, please.

WOMAN: This really is very kind of you.

My dear lady. I would not have missed it for the world.

I shouldn't have had the nerve to come here alone, you know.

They're really quite harmless when they're sleeping.

How about when they're not?

Oh, yes, to be sure.

Just think.

I'll be the first person in history

to ever photograph a genuine vampire.

But the coffin's empty.

So it is.

How can I take a picture if the vampire's not even here?

But he is here.

He is?

And you shall have your photograph just as I promised.

Cheese! Subtitles OCR by : Tommy0412

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