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ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight,,,

Arte Johnson,

James Farentino,

Michele Lee,

Adam West,

and Jeanette Nolan,

For those of you who've never met me,

you might call me

the under-nourished Alfred Hitchcock,

The great British craftsman and I do share something in common:

an interest in the oddball,

a predilection toward the bizarre,

And this place is nothing if it isn't bizarre,

by virtue of the paintings you see hanging around me,

This item here is called "Since Aunt Ada Came To stay,"

And Aunt Ada is a most memorable character,

You may not like her,

but I seriously doubt if you'll ever forget her,

Be thankful you've met her only in,,,

The Night Gallery,

( door shuts )

( car starts )

Teach well, sweetie, What time will you be back?

3:30, right after the faculty meeting,

I want to transplant those roses,

What're you gonna do with yourself?

Taking Aunt Ada for a ride,

( sighs ) Aunt Ada, huh?

Aunt Ada,

Bye,

Aha, The ever-present green carnation,

Professor Porteus,

I have every reason to believe

that the earth would stand stock-still in the heavens

were our Mr, Craig Lowell to appear on campus

without his quotidian

green carnation,

Yes, Well, it's a favorite of my wife's, Professor,

And a very potent favor it is, my boy,

In the realm of the occult,

an area which as you may perhaps know

occupies the major portion of my leisure hours,

it is widely written

that the green carnation

when set aflame in the presence of--

Professor, I do have a class waiting,

Of course, my boy, of course,

Do come to my rooms some evening

when you have more time

and we'll have a nice, long talk about it,

Fascinating subject, fascinating,

- Mm, - Have another cup, dearie,

Oh, Craig, Come and have some of Aunt Ada's herb tea,

It's really delicious,

H-How long have you two been in here?

Goodness, I don't know,

Ten, fifteen minutes, I guess, Why?

( screaming shrilly )

The roses! You know she's allergic to flowers!

CRAIG: Oh, for the love of,,,

- Where's your head? - I forgot I had them,

Joanna, just how long is that woman gonna live with us?

At ninety? Ninety, at least,

It's not unknown for people to live to be a hundred, you know?

I don't understand why she upsets you so much,

I don't know what it is, There's just something about her,

Ever since she came to live with us--

What?

I don't know, I just can't put my finger on it,

Don't fret, little fox foot,

It's not going to be much longer,

( laughing )

Another tea party, ladies?

( Aunt Ada laughs )

Joanna, it's after midnight,

I thought you were asleep,

That's what I thought you were,

Oh, honey, I couldn't,

I was tossing and turning and,,,

I was afraid it was going to bother you,

so I got up and came down,

What's this stuff?

Oh, that's herbs, dearie,

Herbs to help her sleep,

You have herbs for everything,

haven't you, Aunt Ada?

Oh, nature wakes you,

nature rests you,

Nature wakes you,

nature takes you,

Could I give you a cup?

No, thanks, I sleep very well,

How is it

you're up so late, Aunt Ada?

Oh, child, when one reaches an age like mine,

one sleeps only an hour or two at night,

CRAIG: Really? How interesting,

Sea weed,

Sea weed?

Hydrodendon Barelia,

That's its Sunday name,

Very common along the coast here,

Any pharmacological uses?

Inducing sleep, anything like that?

No, nothing medicinal,

Nothing poisonous, Nothing of any--

- Oh, - What?

Enter folklore,

Hydrodendon Barelia

is the modern name for,

and here I quote,

"the sinister witch's weed of antiquity,"

Witch's weed? What the,,,

Well, Frank, now, what is witch's weed?

Beats me,

I'm in chemistry, not sorcery,

Why don't you drop in on Nick Porteus?

I'm sure he knows,

Nick Porteus?

Yeah,

Oh, my, yes, Hydrodendon Barelia,

Yes, indeed, by all means,

Virulent, my boy,

Potent, dangerous, handle with care,

That's what you do with witch's weed,

What I do?

What are witches supposed to do with it?

Granting their existence, of course,

which I don't happen to do,

Very few people do, my boy, during the day,

But the tolling of the midnight bell

makes believers out of many,

Which is your subject again, Mr, Lowell?

- Logic and scientific method, - Of course,

And you find it hard to fit the pentacle of Beelzebub

into the Aristotelian square of opposition,

In time, though, young man, in time,

Yes, quite, In the meantime, Professor,

this so-called "witch's weed",

Ah, yes,

You see, the weed is employed by the aging witch

who has used up her present body

to facilitate her entry into and assumption of the new

young body that she has chosen for herself,

Excuse me?

That is how they perpetuate themselves,

During the 12 strokes of midnight,

at the first full moon following the autumn equinox,

But first,

first, the witch's weed must have been administered

in gradual doses over a period of roughly

three weeks,

Without the preparation, entry cannot be made,

Professor Porteus, I'm very sorry,

but I consider this utter nonsense,

- especially coming from-- - And yet, young man,

since you came to this university,

I have never seen you, never once seen you,

without the one weapon in the entire arsenal

of anti-witches armament

that can prevent this exchange of bodies from taking place,

Disbelieve if you will, my friend, but also,,,

do not forget,

Sorry to bother you,

but I'm trying to discover the whereabouts

of a relative of my wife's,

My wife's very anxious to find out if she,,,

still lives in this town,

Well, she used to quite some time ago,

but I imagine she's quite elderly by now,

Her name is Quigley,

Ada Burn Quigley,

MAN: Quigley, There you are, sir,

Remember the funeral myself, Six months ago,

- You saw this woman buried? - Yes, sir,

Who attended the ceremony?

It was old ladies,

old as the hills, they looked,

and all kind of alike, as though it was uh,,,

some kind of family,

Who maintains the grave?

Nobody slapped down no maintainin' fee, so,

that's who maintains it, nobody,

Wouldn't do no good anyhow,

I don't know what those funeral fellows shot into her, but,,,

whatever it was, it contained enough acid to k--

Well, I'll be swintered,

What is it?

Nothin' ever grew on that plot after they tucked her in,

Not a grass, not a dandelion, not a bud,

nothin' but raw, gray dirt,

CRAIG: I think it is entirely logical I may be going mad,

AUNT ADA: Oh, lovey,

she has gone marketing,

She said she'd be back in a twinkle,

( Aunt Ada chuckles )

I've just been the 30 miles to Bakerton,

AUNT ADA: Oh, and what did you see there?

A grave,

Great-aunt Ada Quigley's grave,

Beautiful place,

Yes, Restful,

- ( laughing ) - Very,

And I have no reason to believe it is not presently occupied

by the person whose name is inscribed

on the headstone above it,

therefore, I ask you this question, madam,

Who are you?

Why, tsk tsk tsk,

You've seen my picture in the family album,

Joanna showed it to you,

I've seen a fuzzy snapshot taken 40 years ago

of a middle-aged woman Joanna identifies as you,

and you concur in that identification,

Now, if you are in fact the great-aunt Ada Quigley

whose picture appears in the album,

you are also the great-aunt Ada Quigley

who was buried in the graveyard at Bakerton,

If you are not one, you are not the other,

And as you're standing before me this very moment,

you are clearly not in your grave at Bakerton,

And if you are not in your grave,

you are neither in the photograph album,

So, I repeat,

madam, who are you?

Why are you here?

What are you after?

( shouting ) I will have an answer!

( Aunt Ada screams )

( cackling )

( continues screaming )

Well, been having a nice chat while I've been gone?

Yes, this is Craig Lowell speaking,

Could you connect me with Professor Porteus, please?

( indistinct chanting )

( groans )

( phone rings )

Professor,

Professor!

- Yes? - Professor Porteus, please,

No, this is his housekeeper,

I think it might be a stroke,

Please, I must get through to the hospital at once!

A stroke?

JOANNA: Darling,

CRAIG: Hmm?

You'll dig your grave if you dig any harder,

Joanna, I wanna talk to you,

You don't have to, because I know what you want to say

and it isn't necessary any longer,

What are you talking about?

Aunt Ada upsets you and you want her to leave, right?

Right,

Well, she is leaving, She just told me,

She told you that when?

Is she leaving? The day after tomorrow,

She applied to an old folks home up the coast somewhere

and they've accepted her,

( softly ) The day after tomorrow?

Today's the 21st,

First day of autumn,

During the 12 strokes of midnight,

at the first full moon following the autumn equinox,

Full moon's on the 23rd,

Day after tomorrow,

Craig?

- That hurts! - One favor,

Just one,

Anything, but, honey, please!

From this second until midnight,

the last stroke of midnight,

- on the 23rd,,, - What?

never let me out of your sight,

Craig, you're frightening me to death,

No, I'm fighting to keep you alive,

( doorknob rattling )

So,,,

Aunt Ada,

Locked doors present a problem even to you,

Why would you try to get in?

You knew you couldn't get past me,

Have a nice cup of tea, my darling--

CRAIG: No!

Out, Get out!

( chanting )

( doorbell rings )

- Yes? - Telegram

for Mr, Craig Lowell,

That's me, Thank you,

What is it?

It's from Ben Snyder, He's been called out of town,

Some family problem, he says,

Wants me to take his class tonight,

But why didn't he call me?

Why wait until the last minute?

Unh-unh,

Well, it won't work!

- What are you doing? - Sit down,

I'm ringing up the college saying I can't make it,

But you can make it,

We're not doing anything this evening--

I am not leaving this house tonight,

Philosophy department, please,

Craig, it's an emergency,

There are other people,

Yes, I'll wait,

Ben needs you,

Craig,

Ben got you your professorship here,

He's one of your closest friends,

You can't just turn him down,

Why are you acting this way?

All right,

All right,

I'm gonna try to tell you

in an orderly, logical, unemotional manner

exactly what is going on in this house

and why I cannot oblige my very good friend Professor Snyder

who may be having a family problem of his own

but, whatever it is,

it can only prove insignificant

to the family problem we're having!

What are you talking about?

That woman is not your great-aunt Ada,

That woman,,,

,,,is a witch!

And she's at least a thousand years old

and she stays alive

by finding young bodies and inhabiting them,

And at midnight tonight,

she's planning on inhabiting your body,

And unless I'm around to prevent her,

she'll probably get away with it!

You've, Gone, Mad,

That is precisely the reaction I would have

if I'd just been told what I've told you,

But it happens to be the truth,

They're gonna have to come take you away,

Well, I'm sure I've just given you

ample grounds to have me committed,

and if I were in your place I'd seriously consider it,

but until the clock out there finishes striking 12 tonight,

I'm not leaving your side,

After that,

you could take whatever action against me you feel necessary,

Craig,,,

can you prove any of this?

Only by letting it occur,

and I have no intention of doing that,

But you actually mean it?

I'm convinced of it, darling,

Enough to phone the college

and tell them you can't take Ben's class tonight

because you have to stay home with me

to keep my Aunt Ada from turning me into a witch,

If I must,

in order to show you how serious I am,

No,

I don't want to have to wait for visiting hours to see you,

Take Ben's class tonight,

- I am-- - I'll go with you,

You can discuss your square of opposition

and keep an eye on me at the same time,

Now, is there anything wrong with that?

That would never have occurred to me,

Of course not,

It's much too simple

for that logical mind of yours,

All right?

,,,in subalternation obtaining

between a universal and a particular affirmative,

Now we come to an examination

of the Aristotelian square of opposition,

Let "A" represent

the universal affirmative,

and "E" the universal negative here at the top,

Now, down at the bottom,

the letter "I" represents the particular affirmative,

"O", the particular negative,

In subalternation obtaining between a universal

and a particular affirmative,

or between a universal and a particular negative

where the difference is one of quantity only,

( eerie noises pulsate )

( thunder crashing )

,,,omni propitious,

you will hear our wishes,

chief of the East-lies above trust,

come to this body soon,

powder and rust,

CRAIG: ,,and as with life itself,,,

( Aunt Ada chanting )

,,, come to this body soon,

powder and rust,

That body of youth, that body of lust,

that body of bodies to live in I must,,,

inhabit,,,

at midnight!

To live in I must,,, ( echoing )

inhabit,,, ( echoing )

at midnight!

Prepare,,,

If bestowed the spirits

CRAIG: Contradictory,,,

( Aunt Ada continues chanting )

The spirits!

Fire, water and air!

CRAIG: ,,,square of opposition,,,

( thunder crashing )

,,, again represented by the letters A, E, I and O,

respectively,

And before going any further,

let us establish that these are arbitrary designations

except for the fact that they've been around a lot longer

than any of us here,

They might well be called

"A", "B", "C" and "D",

( thunder crashes )

( starts car )

CRAIG: ,,,test their validity,

For this purpose, we will take the proposition,,,

"All republics are ungrateful,"

Now, we accept the proposition that all re--

( car honks horn)

Aunt Ada,

Right here, lovey,

I've been waiting for you,

Here's the last little mouthful,

That's all that's needed now,

Hmm?

Just the littlest sip will do the trick,

And then you'll be mine, my blessed,

when the midnight tolls,

Come on,

Come on,

Don't fight it, little cuddly,

Soon it'll be the gentle wind

in a cool sea,

the soft white cloud forever,

- Oh, Craig, - Oh,,,

don't clutter your head with him, little rumples,

we won't be needing him anymore,

Joanna!

Joanna!

Joanna,

You're too late, silky wizard,

She's mine now,

You're not getting past me,

Oh, ho, ho, ho! Wait!

( eerie pulsations )

( shrieking )

No!

Disbelieve in your will, my friend,

But also do not forget,

the only weapon

in the entire arsenal of anti-witching armament,

only the green carnation when set aflame

in the presence of,,,

( thunder crashing )

( clock chiming )

( shrill laughter )

( chanting )

( screams )

( continues chanting )

( screaming )

Joanna?

My love, my darling,

Oh,

Teach well, sweetie,

See you at three o'clock,

- OK, - Bye-bye,

- ( gagging ) - ( glass shattering )

( growling )

M-Master,

what do you think, Master?

If I told you once

I've told you a hundred times,

go easy on the vermouth!

We refer to him by different names,

Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub,

But by any other name, he'd smell of brimstone,

These, the ingredients to a one-man stew:

A disc jockey, a radio show,

and a painting we call "The Flip-Side of Satan,"

Who's better than J,J,?

When J,J, makes the scene,,,

( sighs )

,,,can the good sounds be far behind?

Main switch three minutes before air time,

Programming planned,

Absolutely no variations,

J,J, Wilson programmed,

( glass clinking )

( eerie pulsations )

Five thousand watts,

On a clear day, you can hear across the street,

( humming )

Who's better than J,J,?

( music playing )

♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

♪ J,J, Wilson ♪

And that's me, alive and well on KAPH

or, as the owl said to the pussycat,

Hoo! Hoo!

( mechanical laughter )

( chuckles ) If that's any indication

of what my show is like,,,

( groans )

( laughing )

,,,just putting you on, because over the next six hours

you're gonna hear the sounds of now,

sounds to blow your mind ad do your thing by,

Sounds like,,,

,,,only J,J, can play,

Your kind of music, I know,

From midnight to dawn,

I picked it out,

♪ ( pipe organ ) ♪

( decreases volume )

( dialing phone )

( increases volume )

Sid?

J,J,

You happen to have the right time on you?

Comin' west, I had to set my watch back 200 years,

Me, complain? Ha ha ha,

Let me tell you something, Sid,

Complainers are the old maids of the world,

They know what they want,

but they don't know how to get it,

Besides, what's there to complain about?

You've ever seen station KAPH?

Let me tell you, Sidney, it's somethin' else,

Uh, modern, Yeah,

Well, yeah, I guess you could say that, but,,,

I think nostalgic would be more fitting,

What I mean is, to Ben Franklin it might be modern, but,,,

Oh, come on, Sidney, Isn't that what I'm sayin'?

It's all relative,

Besides, nostalgia's in,

Hey, take a listen to this music,

♪ ( pipe organ ) ♪

( lowers volume )

Heavy, uh? That's just to grab 'em,

You wait till the word gets around town

that J,J,'s doin' his thing,

The other jocks will be fighting for seats on the next stage out,

Dinner?

( laughs )

Who said agents aren't very bright?

Sid, what kind of one tube station

only broadcasts from midnight to six in the morning?

The Voice of Insomnia?

What are you trying to do to me, Sid?

Ruin my career?

I'll tell you what career,

The-the career that's put your amorphous frame

behind the wheel of a new car every year,

That helped to build that house on the island,

a-and kept Emily from going bananas

much sooner than she did, That's what c--

W--W-What are you-- what are you,,,

Oh, now I get it,

It took a while, Sid,

for that light bulb over my head to turn on, but,,,

You thought Emily and me were havin'--

Mm-hmm, Good,

And that's why you arranged

this gig for me in Lower Slobovia,

Sid, I'm surprised at you,

Emily was your wife,

I always considered myself your best friend,

Those weekends I went away, it was fishing with Bert Fox,

If Emily happened to be away at the same time

it was just a coincidence,

You check with Bert if you want,

Sid,

let's not plant weeds on Emily's grave,

She loved you very much,

You could see it in her face when she looked at you,

And believe me, Sid, no matter what anyone says,

it was an accident,

Emily had too much to live for,

Well, you--you know what I mean,

Sid, uh, let me get in touch with you later and,,,

look, I'm, I'm,,,

I'm sorry about those things I said,

That's right, Said, Who's better than us?

( increases volume )

( music ends )

Well, if that doesn't blow your mind,

then I'm beginning to wonder

what fills up that space between my ears,

Or, the pilot said before

takin' off this afternoon from Fun City,

"J,J, I'm gonna be flying at 30,000 feet,

You fly any higher than that, and you're on your own,"

( mechanical laughter )

And wait till you hear what's comin' to you next on KAPH,

The J,J, Wilson Show,

No, you groovy cats out there,

you tell me,

( eerie sounds playing )

And I thought we were way out in Gotham city,

( decreases volume )

Bert? J,J,

Uh, look, I-I-I hope I didn't wake you,

Yeah, yeah, I figured you'd just be getting in,

By yourself?

( chuckles ) You're too much, Bert,

Listen, I-I won't keep you long,

I got a little favor to ask,

Well, to tell you the truth, I-I, I didn't want my friends

to know I was leaving because I didn't want them to go

to the trouble of having a party for me,

I figured, once I got settled here,

No, it had nothin' to do with the money I owe you,

The name of J,J, Wilson is written

on every one of those markers,

What's it like here?

It's a whole, different way of life, Bert,

People are friendly,

They can't do enough for you,

Like you take when my plane landed this afternoon,

Are you ready for this?

A member of the Chamber of Commerce

was waiting to meet me at the airport with a limo,

My car? I gave it to my kid nephew,

What's so funny?

Yeah, Bert, I had a mother like everyone else,

( eerie sounds continue )

Uh, uh, um, about that favor,

I talked to Sidney,

and somehow he got the idea

that Emily and I were seeing each other before--

well, you know, before she tried making

a Greek tragedy out of her suburban life,

You didn't tell him anything, did you?

No, of course I trust you,

Yeah, but just in case he gets in touch,

Uh, remember about the weekends fishing?

That's right,

Just you and me,

And a bunch of smelly trout,

Who said I was afraid of him?

I just don't like hurting people, Bert,

You know that,

Besides, Sidney's been like a father to me,

I like to think I kept Emily from doin'

what she was destined to do much sooner,

That's right, Bert,

Who's better than J,J?

( rock music playing )

( music distorts )

( weird electronic music )

MAN'S VOICE: I conjure thee,

Spirits of darkness,

I summon thee

from the regions of hell,

Lucifer,

Ouyar, Chameron,

Aliseon, Mandousin,

Premy, Basago,

Gamagan, Marbus,,,

These hayseeds have some sense of humor,

,,,Morax, Oriet, Naydrus, Esmony,,,

They even got somebody to imitate my voice,

,,,Hayras, Fabelleronthon, Sodrino,

Lucifer, come unto me,

Wow, heavy, heavy,

Hey, let me clue you in on what's happenin',

There's an old custom amongst boss jocks

that when a new DJ joins a station,

the other DJs try to put one over on him, dig?

It's their way of making him feel at home,

Well, let me tell you somethin',

You succeeded,

You know, I just finished a 15-year gig

in the Big Apple itself-- New York City,

I mean, I was top jock, No one could touch me,

But I left it all to come here, Why?

To be reborn on KAPH

and to meet people like you,

Hey, groove on this,

Who's better than J,J?

His listeners!

Now, dig J,J, sounds,

The latest from The Karmas,

"Good vibes,"

Oh, Lucifer,

the condemned has entered into the crucible

from which there is no escape,

Himon, Deur, Fusian,,,

A joke is a joke is a joke,

,,,Sitri, Beluth, Lyrogee,,,

All right, fellow DJs,

You can come in with the champagne now,

,,,Eligor, Sipor, Eeops,,,

Surprise!

Hey, what's goin' on here?

Who do you hayseeds think you're dealing with?

O monarch of all demons,

the condemned has moved closer to your arms,

What "condemned"?

Closer to the final embrace,

That's some joke, I-I really dig it,

Very funny,

Operator?

What do you mean I dialed a disconnected number?

I dialed the operator!

How can the operator be a recording?

The Prince of Darkness will receive the condemned,

So much for the Prince of Darkness,

I-I don't know what the scene is like out there,

but it's wild in here,

That's why I want you to listen real close,

( shrill pulsation )

All have been summoned

to witness the sacrifice of the condemned,

September 4, 1959 to September 4, 1959,

May 5, 1968 to May 5, 1968,

October 3, 1970 to October 3, 1970,

The condemned will humble himself

before the altar of sacrifice,

I will never humble myself!

The arms of Lucifer prepare to embrace the condemned,

The arms of Lucifer?!

I fought the jungles in New York City

and I won!

The sacrifice must be carried out now!

Because I am J,J, Wilson,

and who is better than J--

( electrical crackling )

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