Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

- Ugh! I can't stand gym!

- Me neither.

- Gym is the worst.

- Yeah, Jim.

Beat it.

- Not Jim--gym!

- Sorry, Jim.

- It's okay.

I hate gym too.

- Dude, don't be so

hard on yourself.

- [sighs heavily]

You're supposed to be doing

jumping jacks, kids.

Those are... just jacks.

[kids moaning]

- Is gym really so awful?

- Well, Jim thinks so.

But we're working on that.

- Gym's just so pointless.

- So the thing I've dedicated

my life to is pointless?

- Yeah, that about sums it up.

- For the most part, yes.

- It's not your fault.

Studies have shown

that physical activity

just isn't as important

as mental activity.

- Is that true?

- Does it matter?

We haven't had to do

jumping jacks for 12 seconds.

- Fine.

I will give you a choice.

For the rest of the year,

do you want to do organized

physical activity

that will benefit your health,

or do what the Harpers

are suggesting

and just be left alone to

fritter your lives away?

- We're gonna go with fritter.

- Fine. That's it.

I give up.

I'm literally throwing in

the towel.

Thanks to the Harpers,

you are free to fritter.

[all cheering]

- Nice!

- Harpers!

all: ♪ We are free to fritter ♪

♪ Fritter, fritter, fritter ♪

♪ We are free to fritter ♪

- Why aren't you frittering?

- Um, I'm frittering

in my own way.

- Those are my rockets.

You can't tape them

to your skateboard.

- I know.

That's why I taped them

to your skateboard.

- Well, it's not safe.

Use your brain.

- I'm wearing a helmet.

- That is also my helmet!

- Careful, kids.

Just taking down this "Physical

Fitness Matters" banner.

Because apparently,

it doesn't.

- What's the big deal?

You never use your

skateboard anyway.

- Sure I do!

In fact, I'm going

to use it right now!

- Well, you better take

your precious helmet

so you don't hurt the brain

you like to use.

- Well, at least my brain

isn't dumb enough

to be on this board when

those rockets go off.

- Hey, guys,

join the fritter line.

- I'll fritter with you.

[rockets blasting]

- Whoa!

- Whuh-uhhhh!

[crash]

- [gasping]

I'm fine!

I'm fine.

- I'm not.

- It was a wig!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na,

na, na, na, na, na ♪

[whistling]

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ One, two ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

- ♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

♪♪

- Who was responsible for this?

- It... was...

the... Harp...

- [chuckling] Well,

you heard him, Principal Tarian.

It was the harp.

- I knew we shouldn't have

stored the band equipment

in the gym.

Well, you kids stay

away from that harp

while I call in a substitute.

I hope Mr. McGee is available.

all: Pull-Ups McGee?!

- Let's warm up...

with a set of 50.

- We're never gonna survive

Pull-Ups McGee.

- First you gave us frittering,

and then you took it away!

- I wish I'd never known

frittering at all.

- You need to fix this, Harpers.

- Okay, hold on!

When have we ever let you down?

- I have a list in my locker.

- Very funny.

- No, he actually has a list.

- I've seen it.

It's not short.

- Fix this, Harpers.

[angry muttering]

♪♪

- I know I promised to play ball

with you, Shelley,

but I need this list

of Phys. Ed. substitutes!

Okay.

Mwah.

Okay.

- Now, now,

let's not be hasty.

Pull-Ups McGee got the call the

last time Coach Fessler was out.

- Don't you think our

hungry young minds

deserve variety

in our educators?

- I mean, McGee is McGood,

but why not go for McGreat?

- Or McAnyone Else.

- Or...

that guy.

- Ooh.

- Yes!

- McPerfect.

[phone ringing]

- Tom's Get Sporty.

This is Tom.

Yes, sir, Principal Tarian, sir.

I'm your man.

Y-you can count on me!

Guess what, Anne?

They need a substitute

gym teacher and they...

they asked me!

- You?

That's... great, Tom.

- Do I detect a hint

of jealousy?

- No, no, no.

No, just, you know...

just wondering why

they didn't ask me.

- Oh.

- We're both qualified P.E. subs

and my name is first

alphabetically.

Anne comes before Tom.

- Yes, well, that's because

I told them my name

was Aaamazing Tom.

- [gasps]

- With three A's.

To come higher on the lists.

- [gasps loudly]

That's cheating!

- Is it, Anne?

Or does it show who has

a stronger desire to teach?

- I'm gonna go with cheater.

- I'm gonna go with jealous.

- Cheater.

- Jealous.

- Cheater!

- Jealous.

- Customer!

- Jealous.

- Customer.

He's a cheater.

- She's just jealous.

- Cheater!

[upbeat music]

- I don't know.

Are we sure inviting Dad

to spend any more

time in our lives

is a good idea?

- It's gonna be a little

embarrassing to have him as a

teacher,

but at least the whole class

won't be mad at us.

- Besides, Dad is such

a people-pleaser, all we have to

do is push the right buttons

to make sure he pleases

the right people.

- Namely us.

- Hey, kids!

I can't wait till tomorrow.

- Cheater!

- Jealous!

- I am so excited to physically

educate you and your friends.

Hey, check out my lesson plan.

- Lesson plan?

- [high-pitched] Lesson plan?

- [higher-pitched] Lesson plan?!

- I can't go that high,

so I'm just gonna

start us over.

[deeply] Lesson plan?

- What's wrong with

a lesson plan?

- [laughs] You don't need one.

- But I want to be just like

your regular teacher.

- Then you definitely

don't need one.

- Uh, yeah, Coach Fessler has

this new, innovative curriculum

that everybody loves.

He calls it "kick back

and chill."

- Oh. Kickball and chill.

Gotcha.

- No ball.

Back.

Kick back...

- And chill.

- Hey there, Squish.

All right.

This doesn't seem like exercise.

[together] Exactly.

♪♪

- Hey! This better

be good, Harpers.

[together] It will be.

- Good morning, students.

You may know me as the Tom

from Tom's Get Sporty.

Check us out online.

But today, I'm Mr. Harper.

And I'm gonna teach you...

to kick back...

and chill.

- This is great.

- You saved gym class.

- Yeah, and he's not even

embarrassing us.

- Now, I don't know how you guys

kick back and chill,

but this is how I do it.

[exhales]

Whoo!

- Sorry about the short shorts.

- No, your dad's hilarious.

- Good job, Harpers.

Looks like I got to scratch this

off the list.

- Told you we'd handle it.

- What are you kids

standing around for?

Get to kickin' and chillin'.

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

- Let's conga!

all: ♪ We are kickin'

and chillin' ♪

♪ Chillin', chillin', chillin' ♪

- Hey, if those shorts

are the worst he's got,

we're golden.

[harp resonates]

♪ ♪

- Okay, shorts and a harp.

We can live with that.

- ♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

[laughter]

- Unbelievable.

- [laughs] Just wait till you

hear what happens next.

- Uh, she made, uh...

hey, you're just in time

for the best part.

Uh, make that face you made

when you were three

and you pooped in the display

toilet at the hardware store.

Yup, that's the face!

You see it?

Did you see it?

[laughing]

- Dawn, why are you making

"hardware store poop face"?

- We have a serious problem.

- [snorts] Yeah, you said that

at the hardware store.

- No! This is a big mess.

- You said that too.

- Dad just told everybody

that story.

[all laughing]

- It's not funny!

We have to do something.

- Sorry, Dawn, but I don't see

how this affects us.

- If you like that one,

wait'll you hear about the time

the boys' bathing suits fell off

at the water park.

[yelps]

[laughter]

- This is wildly uncomfortable.

- That's what you said

at the water park.

- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- So Nicky, Ricky, and Dicky

were standing at the top

of the water slide.

Now, I told them, "Make sure you

tie your suits," right?

- We have to stop him!

- Um, Mr. Harper,

a word.

- To be continued.

- Dad, why are you telling them

these stories?

- I was just kickin' back

and chillin'.

- No, we do the kickin' back

and chillin'.

You do the standin'

and watchin'.

- Remember, you're the teacher.

Don't be so buddy-buddy

with everybody.

- Too buddy-buddy.

Gotcha.

[relieved sighs]

Line up!

All right.

This... is a squat thrust.

First you squat...

and then you thrust.

- What did you do to him?

- Don't worry.

We got this.

Mr. Harper, another word.

- What are you doing?!

- What? You said I was

too buddy-buddy.

- Now you're too

squatty-thrusty!

- First you were too soft,

and now you're too hard.

We need you to be just right.

- Got it.

I know just what to do.

- Okay.

Don't worry.

We fixed it.

- Okay, class, I think I have

an activity

that's juuuust right.

Kids, your Goldilocks story

reminded me of something

we used to do when

you were little.

- What is he doing?

- Dawn and her brothers are

gonna show you a little game

we used to play in

our house called...

[together] Uh-oh.

- Meow-Meow.

- Oh, no.

- [high-pitched] Oh, no.

- [higher-pitched] Oh, no!

- [deeply] Oh, no.

- What's Meow-Meow?

- It's nothing.

- Ah, ah.

You didn't think it was nothing

when you were six.

Come on, show 'em how it's done.

- I'd rather do pull-ups.

- Oh, come on.

- Show us how it's done.

- See? Everyone wants Meow-Meow.

Yup, Meow-Meow...

[all chanting]

Meow-Meow! Meow-Meow!

Meow-Meow! Meow-Meow!

- Mae, you too?

- Sorry, Dawn.

I got to see this.

- On your mark, get set...

Meow-Meow!

[together] Meow, meow,

meow, meow...

Meow, meow...

- Meow! Meow!

Meow! Meow!

Bathe those paws!

Bathe those paws!

Bathe those paws,

bathe those paws.

Bat that yarn.

Bat that yarn.

Come on.

There you go.

[together] Meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow.

- What have we done?

- He's literally

ruining our lives.

- At least our friends

are happy.

- Everybody Meow-Meow!

Paws up, kittens.

Come on, let's go.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...

all: Meow. Meow. Meow.

- This is all your fault,

Harpers.

[together] Harpers?!

- She never calls us Harpers.

all: Meow. Meow. Meow.

[hissing]

- These kitties have claws!

- [screaming]

- ♪ Oh, oh, ay ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh ♪

- Of the 4,762 days

we've been alive,

this is the worst.

- Everyone at school

wants our heads.

- Hey, kids.

Chicken pot pie

is almost ready.

[humming]

[laughs]

- What's so funny?

- Can't say.

Cat's got my tongue.

I'm sorry, I just can't

believe that your dad

made the whole class

play Meow-Meow.

He actually had you

and all of your friends

prance around the gym

like widdle kitties.

[purrs]

- Stop making us relive it!

Oh! Ha.

If I were your teacher,

I would never make you play

such a childish game.

- [sighs] Too bad you're not

on the substitute list.

- Oh, but I am,

my little kittens.

- Too soon, Mom.

- Wait, if you

were on the list,

your name would alphabetically

come before Dad's.

- Ah, you would think so,

but you would also think

that your father wasn't

a cheater!

- Jealous!

- Oh, well, guess you're stuck

with Mr. Meow-Meow.

- Yeah.

- Even though...

I'm on the list.

- Yeah.

- And I could be your teacher.

- Yeah.

- Do you see where

I'm going with this?

- No.

- [sighs]

- Wait a minute.

You could be our teacher!

- [gasps]

Wait, no. Me?

But how would that

even be possible?

I mean, your dad

already has the job.

[together] Yeah.

- Unless he didn't.

- What does that mean?

- What does that mean?

[together] Ahhh.

- Nope, nothing.

- Not a clue.

- I just went "ahh"

because they did.

- I'm just saying you guys

got him the job,

so I'm sure you could

un-get him the job.

- But how would we do that?

- Gosh, I don't have

to tell you what to do.

Just Quaddle up, plot something,

and take care of business.

[together] Right.

[murmuring]

- We need you to tell us

what to do.

- [sighs] For goodness sakes.

[whispering]

Get your dad fired.

[together] Ahhh.

- Then who will teach us?

- Arrrgh.

- She means we should get

Dad fired and Mom hired.

[timer dings]

- Now I get it.

- Looks like the chicken plot

pie is ready.

- Okay, but just remember,

what gets plotted in the kitchen

stays in the kitchen.

This conversation

never happened.

- What conversation?

- Ugh, the one we just had

where Mom told us to get

Dad fired and her hired.

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

[all meowing]

- All right!

Shelly and I have seen enough.

I grant you it's embarrassing,

but I don't know if making you

play Meow-Meow

is a fire-able offense.

- Um, he also said turtles

are stupid pets.

- He's gone.

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

[blasts whistle]

- Line up, everybody.

I'm Ms. Harper.

And I know I'm new,

but I am hoping that I will

"work out" better than

your last teacher.

[laughter]

- Not her best material,

but at least we're not

lapping up milk.

- Yeah.

Hey, getting Dad fired

and Mom hired

was the best thing

we could've ever done.

- Yeah.

- Ms. Harper's kinda cute.

- Smokin' cute.

- That's our mom!

- No, your mom is Mrs. Harper.

The teacher is Ms. Harper.

- What's going on?

They just fist-bumped over Mom.

- There will be no

fist-bumping over our mom!

- Yeah. You met our mom

a thousand times.

- Yeah, but she's never

worn a whistle before

and told us what to do.

- Okay, I'm gonna need

a volunteer to hold my feet

while I demonstrate

a proper sit-up.

- Excuse me while I demonstrate

a proper throw-up.

♪♪

♪♪

- It's so weird that

they think Mom's cute.

- I don't see it.

- Why are you looking for it?!

- Let's not overreact.

Maybe it's just

an "at school" thing.

[doorbell chimes]

- Hey, guys.

- Is Ms. Harper around?

- Okay, Ms. Harper

has got to go.

- Just one thing first.

What? Free chocolates.

- Okay, we have to think

of a plan to get Mom fired.

- Hey, guys.

Do you have any idea who

told Principal Tarian

that I think turtles

are stupid pets?

[muttering incoherently]

I think it might've

been your mother.

- No! [muttering]

- So it was her!

Your mother's a wonderful woman,

but she does not like to lose.

I admire her competitive spirit,

even though she's a cheater!

- Jealous!

- She's right, I am jealous.

Eh, if you want your

old teacher back,

you know where to find him.

In the kitchen...

Eating chocolates.

- Dad's right.

We need to get our

old teacher back.

- But he took our chocolates.

- Not Dad!

Coach Fessler!

And if you really want

more chocolates...

- And the bear.

- Happy?

- You are bear-y special,

Ms. Harper.

- Nope.

- ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

- Uh, excuse us.

We're looking for

Coach Fessler.

- Sorry, kids.

You're too late.

- Too late?

Where is he?

- He's gone.

- What, you mean he's gone home?

- Oh, no.

He's gone to

the big gym upstairs.

- Guess he won't need

this pudding cup.

Ow.

- You never eat

another man's pudding.

Especially when he's gone

to the big gym upstairs.

- Seems like a perfect time

to eat his pudding.

Don't you think that's what

he would've wanted?

- I think he would've wanted to

be here to eat his own pudding.

- I can't believe he's gone.

- What are we gonna do?

He's never coming back.

- I'm gonna miss him.

- Me too.

- He was the best gym teacher

we ever had.

And we just frittered

our time away.

- I wish he was here so we could

tell him that we were wrong.

- [sniffs] Smells like

he's still here.

I just got a whiff

of that tangy mix

of cheap cologne and old sweat.

- And garlic.

He ate a lot of garlic.

- If you can hear us, Coach...

we're sorry.

Physical fitness does matter.

- I can hear you.

[all scream]

- He's a ghost!

- You're the best teacher ever,

Ms. Harper.

- Did you re-gift this?

- No...

Ms. Harper.

- You're alive?

- Of course I'm alive.

- But the nurse told us that you

went to the big gym upstairs.

- I did. There's a big gym

on the 12th floor.

[together] Ohhh.

- I'm being discharged later,

so before I head home,

I wanted to sweat out

some of this garlic.

- Well, mission accomplished.

- Wait, you're going home?

Does that mean you'll be

back at school tomorrow?

- [laughs] Yeah,

that's not gonna happen.

Now let me eat my pudding

in peace.

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

It's what you would've wanted.

- But you're coming back

eventually, right?

- Actually, no.

I'm thinking of retiring.

- Retiring?!

You can't do that.

Didn't you hear all the nice

things we said about you?

- You just said those 'cause

you thought I went to

the big gym upstairs.

- Yeah, but point is

we said them.

- And we meant most of them.

- Did you mean the one about

physical fitness matters?

- Uh, is that what means

the most to you?

Then yes, we did.

- So I really made a difference

in your lives?

- Is that what you need

to hear to come back?

Then yes.

- We promise to be

better students.

- And we'll try to get the rest

of the class to be better too.

- And we can honestly say

you're the best gym teacher

we've ever had.

- For real.

- Yup.

- Yeah.

- All right, I'll come back.

[together] Yes!

- Maybe I've been wrong about

you Harpers all this time.

You're not such terrible kids.

- That's the spirit!

- Now let's go get you some

pudding to celebrate.

[grunts] Come on, guys.

Help me.

This thing won't budge.

- Oh, that's because

I locked the wheels.

Ahhhhhh!

- It's good that we're

on the first floor.

- We're on the second floor!

- Go, go, go!

[all grunting]

- Don't worry, Coach!

We've got you!

- Turns out he's right.

Physical fitness does matter.

[grunting, straining]

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

[whistling]

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪