Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

[both]

28, 29, 30.

Guess we're tied.

We got the same number

of Valentines.

Boom!

Read 'em and weep,

losers.

Looks like I won

the Valentime's contest.

Did you just say

Valentime's?

Yeah, that's what

it's called.

No, it's not.

It's Valentine's.

That's ridiculous.

It's the time

that dude Valen

comes and shoots people

with his bone and marrow.

It's bow and arrow.

Now you're just

making stuff up.

It's official.

I'm the big winner.

Check out what I got

from Mae.

[Mae on recording]

Mae you have

a happy Valentine's Day!

Mae you have

a happy Valentine's Day!

Just because you have

one really cool card

doesn't mean that you win.

Oh, really?

What do you think, Mae?

Dawn wins! Dawn wins!

No.

Dicky wins.

Dicky wins.

No.

Hey, look.

I found one more.

[Dicky and Dawn arguing]

You wrote that

to yourself.

Oh, you want to dance?

Let's dance.

[all shouting]

- Kids! Kids!

Stop fighting!

Mae, this is nothing

to smile about.

Um, Ms. Harvell?

Oh.

Sorry.

You know,

I think you're all losing sight

of what Valentine's Day

is all about.

It's about what you give,

not what you get.

Excuse me.

Delivery.

Oh, look what I get!

Are you Mrs. Grundle?

No, but I could be

Mrs. Delivery Man.

Like I said, kids,

it's not about what you get.

In fact, I am going to give you

all a little assignment.

[all groaning]

You don't need

to give us anything.

You know, we are so good.

I'd like you all

to make Valentine's Day

really special for someone

other than yourselves.

Then, Monday,

you'll give an oral report

on the effect it had

on that person.

Oh, yes, Mae.

You had a question?

Still not me.

I'm just gonna go

close the card.

[Ricky]

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[man]

[whistling melody]

♪ ♪

[rhythmic clapping]

- ♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

[man]

[whistling melody]

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na,

na-na ♪

- ♪ One, two ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na ♪

[man]

♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

Hey, Anne.

Are you pumped for

our big Valentine's Day sale?

Huh?

No, I'm not pumped.

There's nobody

in the store.

And you know why?

Everyone's out buying

candy and stuffed bears.

Honey, no guy

is dumb enough

to give his wife a treadmill

for Valentine's Day.

Not if we don't

make it look fun!

- Hmm.

[treadmill beeping]

Huh?

Fun, right?

Okay, that's

a little fast.

[beeping]

Slow it down.

[beeping and thumping]

Anne, a little help.

- Oh.

- [shouts]

[Anne]

Tom!

Oh!

Okay, let's just get

this Valentime's assignment

over with.

I guess we could just pick

a random customer in the store.

[cricket chirping]

We're all hearing

that cricket, right?

[Ricky]

Mm-hmm.

Oh, how about Josie?

She's always doing

nice things for us.

Plus, she looks

really bored, so--

- Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

[Dicky]

Hey, Josie.

You're always

so good to us,

so we want to return the favor

for Valentime's Day.

Seriously?

Is that not bothering

anybody else?

Oh, that's sweet

but not necessary.

I actually have

my first Valentine's date!

- Wilson finally asked you?

- Uh-huh!

[both squealing]

But we still want to do

something nice for you.

How about we help

get you ready?

We'll start

with the nails.

Why? What's wrong

with my nails?

I think she meant

your hair.

What's wrong

with my hair?

With all that makeup,

I don't think anyone

will notice the hair.

My makeup too?

Yeah, the whole thing's

a hot mess.

Oh, no.

I have so much work to do

for tomorrow night.

Tell your parents

I'm taking the night off.

All right.

Assignment done.

We didn't do anything.

We have to do something

for someone.

[cricket chirping]

Oh, maybe find a date

for the cricket.

[crunch]

Or not.

Face it, Tom.

Valentine's Day

is always a disaster.

It's our worst day

of the year.

- You're right, Anne.

I don't even know

why we try.

[sighs]

Stupid Valentine's Day.

[grunts]

[panting]

Oh, hey, kids.

- Hey, Dad.

- Hi, Dad.

- That's weird.

Mom and Dad don't like

Valentine's Day?

Come to think of it,

every year, all they do is

go to work,

come home angry,

and hang out with us.

Then that's

our assignment.

Give Mom and Dad

a Valentine's Day they'll like.

But to do that, first we have to

find out why they don't like it.

[popping]

[pop]

And fast.

[Dawn]

All right, spread out.

There's got to be

something in there

that'll help us figure out why

Mom and Dad hate Valentine's

Day.

[Dicky]

Oh, guys, I found something.

Bubble wrap!

[all]

Yeah!

[popping]

Whoo.

[Ricky]

[sighs]

All right, now that we got

that out of our systems,

keep looking.

Hey.

I bet there's something

in this box

marked "Lovey-Dovey Stuff."

[Dawn]

Oh. Ooh.

Here are a bunch

of old Valentine's cards.

See?

Mom and Dad don't hate

Valentine's Day.

Oh, and here's

some love letters.

[groans]

Pictures of them kissing.

[gags]

[Dawn]

Oh, and here's something

dated February 14, 2004.

That's Valentine's Day

from right before we were born.

[all]

Whoa!

What is that thing?

I'm not quite sure.

[rattling]

- Where's the "on" button?

There isn't one.

It's a videotape.

A video what?

Dad comes up here

with a case of root beer

and watches his old ice dancing

competitions on this TV.

That's a TV?

I put a burrito in there

last week.

No wonder it didn't cook it.

Whoa, it swallowed it.

Okay.

Here we go.

[chuckles softly]

[gasps]

There they are, Tom.

[Anne]

All four of them.

[Tom]

Wow, this is really happening.

We're having quadruplets.

You know what this means, Tom?

Valentine's Day is ruined.

Forever.

[Tom]

It sure is.

I can't believe this.

This is our fault.

We ruined Valentine's Day

for Mom and Dad.

We got to fix this.

Listen, I don't want to be

the voice of reason here,

but we have

an assignment due Monday.

This is

our assignment.

We're gonna give

Mom and Dad

back the love of Valentine's Day

that we took from them.

Let's do it.

Yeah, time to save

Valentime's.

Okay, I've got

a new assignment for you.

Learn how to say

Valentine's

with an N.

Tine.

Tine!

Let it go, man.

It's just

one letter.

[Dicky]

The TV's throwing up.

[Dawn]

Ew.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I hope

my Valentine's date

is as romantic

as this.

Your parents

are gonna love it.

I hope so.

There's a lot

riding on it.

Yeah, our grade.

Since when do you care

about grades?

Huh, you're right.

I don't.

Hey, this is

about rekindling

Mom and Dad's

Valentine's Day flame.

And getting a good grade.

What is wrong with me?

Here they come.

Assume romance positions.

Oh, oh, oh!

Finally, Valentine's Day

is almost over.

Ugh, only a couple more hours

till we can put

this holiday in the ground

and shovel some dirt on it.

[all]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Kids?

Look at

our four little cupids!

Oh, I think

you mean five.

[laughing]

Thank you!

What is all this?

We just wanted to do

something special for you two

on Valentine's Day.

So welcome to the Harper

House of Love restaurant

and cafe, bistro,

and lounge.

We couldn't decide

on a name.

I think that name

is perfect.

- It's working.

- Totally.

Okay, thanks

for all your help, Josie,

but it's getting

really late.

You better go get ready

for your date.

I am ready.

[all]

Oh.

Is it my hair?

My nails? My clothes?

Let's just say

the mess is still hot.

May I show you

to your table?

- Indeed.

- Thank you.

We have you seated

in the love section.

And while you enjoy

your four-course meal--

Three of which

involve chocolate--

The food of love.

[Dawn]

Why not take a magical stroll

down memory lane?

I present: Mom and Dad's

Book of Love Notes,

Scrapbooks of Memories,

Chronicles

of Questionable Hairdos,

and Icky Love Stuff.

[Tom]

Oh.

We couldn't decide

on a name

for that either.

[Dawn]

And while you look through that,

we'll get your next course.

Hint:

it involves chocolate.

The food of love.

Wow.

The kids really put

a lot of work into this.

Oh, honey, look.

It's our first

ice dancing competition.

Look at

that gorgeous hair.

- Oh, thank you.

- I was talking about me.

I miss it so much.

Guys, it's working.

We're rekindling the flame.

[Anne]

Huh, what is this?

"I love you.

Love, A."

Who's A?

You're A.

No, no, no.

I'm an A, but I'm not this A.

[gasps]

Is this from Angela?

Who's Angela?

Your first girlfriend.

Oh, Angela.

Mm-hmm.

Tom, why would you

keep a love letter

from an old girlfriend?

[Dawn]

Uh-oh.

Honey, I swear, I thought

I threw that out.

[crumpling]

[sighs]

Let's see

what other beautiful memories

we have in here.

[gasps]

No, bup-bup-bup-bup-

bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Bup.

Isn't this a picture

of your old boyfriend?

[with deep voice]

Fireman Mike.

Have you seen

how cute the dog is?

[Dawn]

Oh, we're losing them.

What are we gonna do?

Teach them

how to throw stuff out?

I got this.

Chocolate fixes everything.

[as Mr. T]

I pity the fon-dude

that don't eat this fondue.

[Dawn]

Who wants to be the first

to dip their strawberry

in melted chocolate?

I could've been

a fireman too, Anne,

but you know I have

a fear of Dalmatians.

Well, you certainly

don't have a fear

of keeping old letters

from A.

This isn't working.

Looks like it's time

for Valen to work his magic.

Not a real person,

but just do it.

[thwacks]

[shouts]

Ow!

[grunts]

[gasps, screams]

Hot chocolate!

Hot chocolate!

[both shouting]

Hot wax! Hot wax!

- Oh, no!

- [shouting]

[ripping, grunting]

[all gasp]

[gasps]

[screams]

Well, this couldn't

get any worse.

[fire crackling]

[both scream]

The couch!

I think we rekindled

the wrong flame.

- [shouts]

- Somebody help me.

Wait, what do we do?

[indistinct radio chatter]

Wow.

That is hot.

I'm standing

right here, Anne.

No, no.

I meant the couch.

Mm.

We've seen a lot

of Valentine's disasters,

but...wow.

[Dicky]

We tried to give Mom and Dad

something special,

but all we did was ruin

their Valentime's.

Excuse me.

[screams]

Sorry.

You were saying?

[Dawn]

[sighs]

Guys, Dicky's right.

We're the problem.

We always have been.

The nicest thing we can do

for Mom and Dad

is leave them alone

for the rest of the night.

She's right.

It's the only way to fix this.

[sighs]

I'll write them a note.

[Dawn]

Sorry we ruined Valentine's Day.

We're leaving.

Be back later.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh, what a great way

to do your assignment.

Four little angels

spreading Valentine's love.

[Dawn]

I don't know about love,

but we spread something.

Mostly fire

and hot wax.

We kind of destroyed

our parents' night.

And our couch.

Could we stay here

for a while?

[laughs]

Hi, kids.

[all]

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Valentine.

They wanted to know

if they could hang out with us.

Hey, join us.

What better way

to spend Valentine's

than with the Valentines?

Don't you mean Valentimes?

The Valentimes.

That's it!

[thwacks]

[cat meows]

[Mae]

Debbie!

[Mrs. Valentine]

Oh, no!

She's never

been outside before!

She's heading

towards the dog park!

[dogs barking]

[cat yowls]

[Mr. Valentine]

Ooh, it's officially the worst

Valentine Valentine's ever!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[panting]

[grunting]

- Tom!

- Hold on, Anne.

I'm just making sure the fire's

out underneath the couch

that I easily picked up,

just like the fireman.

[chuckles]

The kids ran away.

Huh?

[shouts]

I think I located

Dawn's phone.

- Come on!

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[whimpers]

Tom!

[Anne]

[grunts]

[Tom]

How are you doing this?

[Anne]

Fireman Mike taught me.

[Tom]

That hurts more

than my foot, Anne.

No way.

You ordered us

the Leaning Tower of Pizza?

That's so romantic.

And if we finish it

in 30 minutes,

it's free!

[with Boston accent]

You also get a car key chain

that says,

I gobbled down the tower

at DiPietro's Wall Oven Pizza.

Okay, I didn't understand

one word of that,

but I'm having

such a good time.

[Dicky]

Oh, there she is.

She's already on her date.

We can't bother her.

But we need the keys

to the store.

Come on.

Eat faster.

I got this.

[thwacks]

Um...you just got shot

in the head with an arrow.

- This is how

they get you.

Keep focused.

I want

that car key chain.

[scoffs]

Uh, excuse me

one second.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here?

Wow.

So that's what you went with?

What's wrong with it?

[all]

Nothing!

Okay, look.

We're sorry

for interrupting your date,

but we need your keys

to the store.

Why?

We're cursed.

We're like

a black hole

that sucks the love

out of Valentine's Day.

So we need to get away

from people for a little while

before we destroy

anyone else's special day.

Wait, cursed?

Don't be silly.

There is no such thing

as a curse.

[cat meows]

[shouting, barking]

What is this, a dog park?

Hey, watch out

for the wall oven.

It'll scorch you.

Oops.

Okay, maybe you are

a little cursed.

Have you guys

seen Debbie?

Debbie!

[Mr. Valentine]

Stay away from our cat!

[barking, meowing]

[panting]

Kids, are you okay?

[Dawn]

Mom, Dad,

don't come near us!

Why did you run away?

We're cursed!

We've been going

door to door,

destroying love

wherever we go.

We've ruined

Valentime's Day for you

every year

since we've been born.

Did he say "time's"?

You haven't

ruined anything.

Mom, you don't have to lie.

We saw the tape.

The one from when

you were preg-meant with us.

You mean pregnant?

You guys wanted

to have us, right?

Of course we did.

So you meant

to be preg.

Preg-meant.

Anyway,

we heard you guys say

we ruined Valentine's Day

forever.

[both]

Oh.

Did you hear us say

anything else?

No, we turned it off.

Okay, well,

why don't we go home

and watch the rest

of the tape?

So many spots.

[whimpers]

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Carry me, Anne!

[Anne]

Come on.

[Tom]

All right.

Everybody,

grab a root beer.

[Anne]

[clears throat]

I think

there's a little bit more

on this tape

that you need to see.

[Tom]

Wow, this is really happening.

We're having quadruplets.

You know what this means, Tom?

Valentine's Day is ruined.

Forever.

[Tom]

It sure is.

No Valentine's Day could ever

possibly live up to this one.

I'm so happy, Tom.

[Tom]

[laughs]

Me too.

In fact,

I am four times happier

than I ever thought

I could be.

[all]

Aw!

[all]

Ew!

[Tom]

And that is why we don't

celebrate Valentine's Day.

Any gift we gave

each other

would be nothing

compared to you guys.

So we're not cursed.

We didn't ruin Valentine's Day.

Of course you didn't.

You're not even mad

about the eyebrow?

Nah, nothing a little

black marker can't fix.

Huh?

-Um...

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

And then, after our parents

showed us a videotape,

it all made sense.

We all know

what you're gonna ask.

This is a videotape.

It's how they used to watch

movies in the olden days.

[all]

Ooh.

[Dawn]

So what we learned

from all this is,

Valentine's Day

isn't about

who gets the most cards

or candy.

It's about showing

the people you care for

how much they mean

to you.

Even if you end up

with a burnt couch.

And a lifetime ban from

DiPietro's Wall Oven Pizza.

And what I learned is,

Valentime's Day

is actually called

Valentine's Day.

Thank you.

Well, on to Paint Patrick's Day.

And before

we know it, it'll be time

for the Easter Buddy.

I'm just kidding.

April Foods!

Excuse me.

[Ricky screams]

- ♪ ♪

- [whistling melody]

♪ ♪

- [vocalizing]

♪ Yeah ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪

- ♪