All language subtitles for Hot.Mess.2018.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(WOMAN PLAYING PIANO
AND SINGING NOTES)

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(DOOR OPENS)

(PUTS BOWL DOWN)

(DOOR OPENS)

(SCISSOR CUTTING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(NAIL CLIPPER CUTTING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

- (SINGS) Hey, hey, hey...
Hey, hey, hey.

What do you say?

I left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could die from TSS
but did it work?

Yes.
Did it work?

Yes.
(STOPS PLAYING)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) Did it work?
Yes.

Did it work?
No.

I'm still alive.

I didn't die.

I guess I'll have to
think of something new

next time I try and suicide.

Suicide...
(STOPS PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYS)
(DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC STOPS)
Fuck me dead.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(SCRATCHES GROUND, HALTS)

(CARS PASS BY)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Sorry I can't come out tonight,
dude,
I'm babysitting.

- Fuck that, you're not
babysitting.
- No, I am.

They've had it booked in for
ages.

It's like their wedding
anniversary
or something. I can't just cancel.

- Please, please, please come
out with me tonight.

There's a really good house
party
we can go to.

- Oh, whose?

- The barista that works
at the bottom of my building.

He has a top knot, totally your
type.

- Ew, no, he's not.

- He's in a band.
- Oh yeah?

- And has heaps
of friends with beards.

- Ok. We've discussed this.
I don't like beards.

- Please come out.
I'll pay for the taxi home.

- I'm sorry.
I really can't do...

Why don't we just get a
light brunch tomorrow

instead in that place on the
corner?

- I don't want to get brunch.
I wanna get shitfaced.

- (SIGHS) OK.
Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

OK. Bye.

- Who is that?
- Jen.

- (SIGHS) She's still with her
boyfriend?

- No, actually, he fled to
London.

So she's in full blown despo
mode.

- No.
- I feel really bad.

I'm kind of her only friend.

Maybe I should go out with her
tonight.

I don't know I just...I don't
want to.

- What else were you gonna do?

- Stay in and watch 'Pretty
Little Liars'
until I fall asleep on myself.

- Yeah. Way better.
Friday nights in is where it's
at!

- Right? Like I haven't gone out
for like six months now

and I wake up every morning
and I don't feel like a leper.

- It's amazing.
- It is. Yeah.

- How's old Greg?

- Good. Yeah.

Well, I sent him an email
of the draft that I'm

working on and I don't
wanna get ahead of

myself but I'm pretty
sure he's called me here

today to offer me
the residency.

- Fuck, dude.
That's like 20 grand.

- I know, it is.

- Imagine how many donuts we
could buy
with that?

- We could buy so many donuts
with that.

- We can finally buy a donut
cart.
- Yes.

Well, I better head up.
I don't wanna be late for him.

- No worries, good luck, dude.
- I'll let you know how it goes.

- Please do.
(DOOR OPENS)

- So what happened to the play
you were writing earlier in the
year?

- I wasn't really enjoying
writing it, to be honest.

- Why not?

- Well, it was one of those
things
where like I'd write chunks of it,

and then I'd read it back and be
like,

"wow, that's boring as fuck,
isn't it?"

So...

- We really liked that one.

- Well, I didn't, to be honest,
Greg,
like the material, like

the content
meant absolutely nothing to me.

But did you get the new
draft that I sent through?

- Mm. Yeah. It's um...

A little..
- A little..

- A little too much.

- A little too much.
What do you mean?

- I'm going to take
all these photos of my vulva

and then collage them to make a
big
picture of Tony Abbott's face.

Below will read the caption,
"fist yourself, then die fucked
hard."

- Well, it's meant to be sung.

It's more like... (SINGS) "Fist
yourselves,
then die... fucked hard".

Like quite a jazzy kind of
style of delivery.

- Right.

- Are you liberal?

- No.
- Right.

- It's gratuitous, Lauren.

This is a youth-oriented
theatre company.

- Well, I mean, the play
you commissioned last year was
about

a 17-year-old-boy who brutally
murders his grandmother, I mean.

- There are levels of gratuity.
I mean, fisting.

- There's not actual fisting in
it, Greg.

There's fisting references. I
mean,
I remember a lot of very gratuitous

scenes from the play last year.
And oh, I'm not saying, like I
didn't enjoy it.

I loved it for the most part
but I just, I don't see

the level of gratuity
you're talking about in my work.

- (CLEARS THROAT) I seeked sweet
revenge

and contaminated the holy water
with my period blood

and I didn't just dunk my tampon
in the chalice like a teabag,

I squatted over it and squeezed
my uterus as hard as I could to

push out some nice, fresh clots.

- Well, she's not murdering
anyone.

- Catholic schools, Lauren, make
up
half of our matinee audience.

The teachers would be just
beside themselves.

- Greg, I can't censor
everything I do
for Catholic high school teachers

like that seems absurd.

- Lauren, if you persist
with this work,

we won't be able to look at you
for the residency.

- What? No, no, no, Greg.

I feel like it's just not coming
off the page properly for you.

I mean...I mean, look at it,
it's it's a story of a young
girl,

a virgin, who's rebelling in
her own arbitrary fashion.

I mean, it certainly is crude
in some parts

but I mean,
it's...it's a comedy.

It's light.

It's not that light,
but you know it's it's sassy,

it's whimsical, it's very funny.
It's very funny.

- No, but I fail to see the
humor.

I'd be happy to have another
look at your
'boring as fuck' play.

I mean, it may surprise you
to know that

I actually see potential
in that one.

(CLOSES FOLDER)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

- (CHOPPING VEGIES)
Yep, I got a really good idea.

Took me a real long time
to work it out too.

Write the script that this man
is going to pay you twenty
bloody

thousand dollars for.

- But if I do that it means I'm
succumbing
to his narrow-minded, sexist perspective.

- Please! Get over yourself,
girl.
Jesus.

Isn't this what you want,
to be a paid writer, or are

you enjoying that cleaning job
of yours too much?

- Look, yes, but... (SIGHS)
Look, I knew
if I took this path

it would be hard.
If I wanted to get paid

to do something I don't like
doing,

I would have just finished
my commerce degree.

- Well, there's a great idea.

That's the first bright thing to
come out of your mouth in years.

Why don't you go and finish
that Commerce degree?

- Do you want me to jump off a
cliff?

Do you want me to kill myself?
Alright, I'll do that.

- Alright, so, you have to kill
yourself
do you?

Because you've been asked to get
a job
just like everybody else on the planet does.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAPTOP SHUTS)

- Are you still drinking that
pub shit?

You should have moved on to red
wine
and gin, by now, babe.

- Well, hello to you too.

- Where's your housemate?

- She's always at her
boyfriend's house
which is pretty great

'cause she's a bit of a dick
so I don't have to deal with
her.

Yeah, not mine.
- Yeah I assumed.

- So I went home
with my boss on Tuesday night.

- Isn't he married?

- Recently separated.
Came to my desk and was like,
Jen,

let's celebrate my newfound
freedom.

- And I was like, David,
I know exactly what that means.

And yes, I'll have sex with you,
gave me a really good rim job.

- Like a butt rim job?

- Yeah, like a butt rim job.

- Can't quite say I have
ventured
into rim job territory yet.

- Fuck, I highly recommend you
try.

- So, did you give him one as
well?

- Yeah.

- Did it taste like, like
poo-ey?

- There's a definite anus-y
smell
but you keep things clean, you know.

- Yeah.
I mean that's respectful.

- Loz, you always gotta
keep your butthole clean, babe.

- Obviously, like, obviously.

So, were you really hungover
at work the next day?

- Yes, but I don't give a fuck
'cause I hate my job.

- I actually
haven't been drinking at all

because I've been
focusing on my writing.

- Mm... How's that going for
you?

- Yeah, really good.
Good...

I think.

- Sounds exciting. What happened
to that
guy you were friendzoning?

- Oh yeah.

No, well and truly in the
friendzone.
It just kind of wasn't really going anywhere.

- Boo! You just have to
get drunk and pash him.

That's the only way
things get started.

- Well, I haven't been drinking.

- Then you're just shooting
yourself in the foot, babe.

Why don't you go on Tinder,
and try and get

one of those Sunday
morning runners?

- Yeah.

- So who have you been hooking
up with?

- I haven't really been doing
much of that at all recently.

- Who was your last guy?

- That I kissed?

- No.

- Um... total random.

- Total random?
- Yep.

Well, do you remember barbecue
chicken guy?

- That was a year ago.

- Was it?
- Yes.

- Well it must have been longer
than I thought then.

- Loz, that was a whole year
ago!

- You know I actually read an
article on
my news feed yesterday that said that a

lot of people have a celibate
year
in their early 20s. It's perfectly normal.

- And whoever wrote that is a
massive loser.

- No, it was like legitimately
scientific.
It's a very healthy thing to do.

- Oh my god. I am so glad
we're going out tonight.

We're gonna get you fucked up
and get you a guy.

- Well, not too fucked up
I've got to write tomorrow.

- Drink just enough to inebriate
yourself
into having sex with a total stranger.

- Sometimes I feel like the only
reason
we go out is to get boys and hook up.

- Yeah. Why else would we go
out?

- To have fun?

- You know how many episodes
of 'Dance Mums' there are to
watch?

Like I'm literally only doing
this

to get a boyfriend and then I'm
going
straight back into hibernation.

- Well you've been going on
like a whole bunch of dates.

Are you sure you're not just
being, like, too picky?

- Dude, I went on a blind date
with a bald guy
with a ginger and grey speckled beard.

Like I'm literally scraping
the bottom of the barrel.

- Yeah, well.

- You know, my grandma's always
like this,

"Someone for everyone"
and that's just bullshit.

The fact of the matter is
is that we could end up forty
five

in some apartment block
that smells like piss

where the only joy
in our days is to get into
matching tracksuits

and watch 'My Kitchen Rules'.

- Oh. That won't happen

- I don't know, babe.

Don't want to get left on the
shelf.

- Whose party are we going to?
- I don't know.

- Do we know anyone in there?
- Yeah, we know the barista guy.

- Oh great, that's reassuring.
Who's the barista guy?

- The hot one that works in the
bottom
of my building.

Jesus. You don't listen to
anything I say.

- I listen to a few of the
things
that you say.

OK so we don't know anyone in
there.

- Yeah. But it's like a party.
We're gonna meet people there.

- Dude, that is so awkward.
- It's not.

- Who am I going to talk to?
- Oh my god, it's not awkward.

- I hope there are dogs in
there.
I'll play with them.

- Jesus!

'Loz' a year ago would have had
her pants off
and been dancing on the couch by now.

- I'm not 'Loz' a year ago.
- No, clearly.

- OK, I've changed.

- Bloody Granny May stayin' in
the house
all day with my nine cats.

- I'm not that bad.

I suddenly really want to go in.
- Oh my god!

- Dammmn.
- (PANTS LIKE A DOG)

- (COUGHS)
- I'm so happy you're here with
me tonight.

- I know, same.
- Let's go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

- So what actually made you
want to be a paramedic?

- Did Surf Lifesaving all
through school.
Pretty good in a crisis, so, yeah.

- Ah, that is so admirable.

See, I was actually going to be
a midwife
up until I was about eight or nine.

Um, then I kind of just um
fell into playwriting

which is what I'm doing now
which is ah still good.

- Yeah, right.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Ah! Having a drink
of the old moonshine, are we?

- What?

- I like a man who drinks
a man's drink. You know.

- OK.

- The whiskey made in Australia
is actually really incredible.

I can see you have a
Scottish drop there.

- Yeah... yeah.
- Yep.

- Hey Jen, it's me.

I assume you're probably
dead or dying

but if you're not, can you
please call me back?

I'm about to head off.

- (FOOTSTEPS) Fuck.
- OK. Bye.

- Are you waiting for the
toilet?

- No, I'm just looking for a
friend. Sorry.

- Fuck, do you know who's in
there?

- No, but whoever it is has been
there for a very long time.

- Not good news.

- You really need to piss, don't
you?

- Yeah.

- Well you're a guy. Can't you
just piss
like outside? Like in the kitchen?

- This is not just a piss,
unfortunately.

- Oh you need to take a shit.
Taking a shit at a house party.

That's courageous.
- I know. I know. It sucks.

- There you go. Of course.

Hey Jen, how you doing?

- Guys, I gotta go to the
bathroom.

- Jen. This is...
- Alright. (LAUGHS)

- I'm Dave.
- This is Dave who needs to
shit.

- Dave who's all of a sudden
being taken over
by your friend.

- Hi Dave!
- OK. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.

- Oh my God.
OK.

Yep.
- Hi Dave!

- Yeah. Jen.
Jen we've talked about this OK.

- (LAUGHS)
I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry.
- I didn't plan that.

- I was...
- I'm so sorry.

I'm... Look, I'm Dave.

- You can touch my hand?
I'm Loz.

- I should, I should. Yeh, now
that I've touched everything
else.

- Yeah, I guess, it's probably
alright,
it's alright.

- Yeah. I'm Loz. Nice to meet
you. OK.

- Look. Are you hanging around
for a drink afterwards?

- Yeah. Sure. Awesome.

- Cool. Let's get a drink.

- Yeah except I'm not gonna wait
here because I don't wanna be
here

for whatever's
about to happen in there.

- Probably a good vote.
- I'm in the kitchen.

Oh you poor thing.

- Me and the Elders used to do
that together.

- I'm sorry the what?

- The Elders.

- This is frightening. Is this
Narnia?
- And they used to get in trouble.

Well, you couldn't have sex
before marriage,

you couldn't even,
couldn't even masturbate.

- So you've never had sex?
Sorry, we're at a party. I
shouldn't say that.

- It's OK, like...
- You've never had sex? What?

- I'm no longer a Jehovah's
witness,
as you know. But...

- Congratulations,
I'm really proud of you.

- Thank you. Look, I'm pretty
happy with it.

- I had a brief, brief
run-in with religion

when I went to a friend's
youth group with them.

- Oh yeh, what kind of youth
group?
- But it was one of those weird pancake days.

So I just went for the
pancakes...
- And they, were they good?

- ...and they were mediocre.
So I didn't commit.

And I wasn't allowed...
- So that's your experience of
religion?

- I wasn't allowed to take the
bread
or the wine because I'm not like religious.

You'll get smut, smite, smited?
-

- Smited.
- Smoot.

- Smoot, smite.

- Do they sacrifice virgins?
- You got smite!

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Dave masturbates now.

Like just something...
yeh you know just something...

- That was...That was beautiful
- ...like subtle.

- How do I get the CD?
Where do I get the CD?

- CD? What century are you in?
(LAUGHTER)

Where do I get your vinyl?

So you've actually never had sex
before,
like you still hold to be part of...?

- Mm...No.
- ...verbally in your hand.

- No, no, no. I have had sex
now.
- You've had sex!

Congratulations.
- Yeah, but it kinda came with a
catch.

I got married at 19.
Yeah.

- You're kidding!
- Literally. Married at 19.

What was I gonna do? I was a
19-year-old kid

that had never had sex before.
- Watch porn and go to strip
clubs.

- I couldn't touch myself.

It doesn't...
- Jehovah will know?

- Jehovah will get you.

Jehovah will get you, that's
what they tell you.

You are the one that got the
conversation

of me masturbating.
- No, it wasn't. I'm pretty sure
that was you.

- Maybe you were tryin to make
me!

- Oh what? Do you wanna go
masturbate?
Fuckin' go for it mate.

- You don't wanna cum?

- No, well, I do but not in, not
in...
- Not in that way.

(LAUGHTER)

- Suz and my's relationship
lasted
for half an hour after the wedding

and then we hated each other
for the rest of the time.

- Oh is that all it is?
Well, that's ambitious for the
first time.

Well... I was thinking a minute
and a half.

- I was pretty happy with my
performance.
I may have expanded on it a little bit.

- Your friend's outside.
She's fucked.

- Oh!

Let's go and...see to this
trainwreck.

- That sounds like fun.

- Jen.

- Shit! Is she alright?
- Come on.

She's just headed to vomit town.

She's good. Done this before.
We've been there a lot.

- No shit.

Do you want me to get a taxi or
something?

- Thanks.
I'll be totally fine.

I'll just walk her home.

It's all good. You go back to
the party.

- Are you sure?
- Yep. Totally fine.

(BODY DROPS TO FLOOR)

There's a shower and meat pie in
it

for you at the other end.
- Yep, I'm in.

- Great. Let's do it. OK.
- No problem.

- Hang on, I'll just grab her
stuff.

- You alright? Alright. Come on
you.
Get your head up. Come on.

Alright. You ready?

Three...
- Oh hang on, wait.

- Two, yep.
- Got it.

- (GRUNTS)

- She'll pay for your
dry-cleaning.

- What did you eat, girl?
- It's definitely all over your
pants.

- Yeah, that's nice.

Chicken curry.
- It's like a couple blocks that
way.

Don't fucking touch me, Jen.

In the bucket, in the bucket,
in the bucket. OK.

Aim.
Good.

- (OFFSCREEN) Ugh, Lozzie,
there's nothing left.

- (MAN SHUFFLING)
- Good. That's good.

She's down for the night.
- You did well. Well done.

Well done.
- God, thank you.

- So, do you hang out here a
lot?

- Well, Jen's an old high-school
friend

but I haven't seen her in ages,

(QUIETLY) so I haven't really
been here...

(KISSING)

- Good one.

- They're a bit tight.

- They are tight, aren't they?

(LAUGHTER)

- I'll get you undone.

- You're good. You done that
before?
(LAUGHS)

- You wanna keep your socks on?

- Yeah, I do want to keep my
socks on.
(LAUGHS)

It's business time.

- OK, one second.
- Alright.

(DRAWER OPENS)
(RUMMAGING)

Oh, you're back?
- Yep.

Where'd you go?

- OK.
(MASSAGING)

- What?

I didn't think we're gonna go
that far.

- Oh my god!

I kind of just assumed.
I am so sorry.

- That's totally cool.
- I just assumed that we were
going to.

- It's totally cool.
The only question is now,

what do I do with this?

- I've got a towel in the
bathroom.

- Yeah? Or your face.
- No! Eww.

- Alright. Come on. Let me go
clean up.
I'll come back.

- OK.
- Yeah?

- Alright, give me a sec.

- Shit.

- Alright. (CLAPS) Big spoon or
little spoon.

- I will have one little spoon.

- One little spoon?
- Yes.

- Alright. This is coming up.
Here you are.

- (LAUGHS)
- I'll shock you or something.

Alright, come here!

Here, let me clean you.
- Oh, thank you.

- Was that good?
- Mm-hm.

- Better?
- Mm-hm.

- Much.
- Mm-hm.

Oh! And get this,
he messages very promptly.

Like yesterday, he messaged me
at 3:32

and I messaged back
a cool like 20 minutes later,

so it was like 3:50 or
something.

3:53, response.

- Wow! Nice.
- I know.

I've never ever had that before.

Like he's nice, he's got a good
job
and a good sense of humor.

He's thinking of buying an
actual house

- also like obviously not in
Sydney -

but in Newcastle, he's gonna get
a job
in the mines there or something

which is pretty cool.
He's at that stage where like

he'll just buy his parents
a plasma screen TV for
Christmas.

And I'm still at that stage

where I need my parents to pay
for my gynecological
appointments.

- Is it gynecological
or gynecology?

- I'm gonna go with
gynecological
but that's just me.

- Am I done?
- Yeah, all good.

- Did you guys have sex
in the morning?

- No, we actually didn't have
sex at all.

- What?
- Yeah, I know, right?

- That's weird.
- Yeah, it's like what you
assume

is gonna happen
when they like come home with
you.

- Yeah.

Dude, he must really like you.

- Maybe. I don't know.

- Did you wanna fuck?

- You know? Actually,
I don't know if I did.

It's like when he came home with
me,
I was like my body is ready

and then when he said that,
I was kind of just like, "Oh,
OK."

and then we just spooned.
It was actually really nice.

I've forgotten how good it feels

to have a man's arms wrapped
around you.

It was so warm.

Yeah, it was pretty cute.

I think I'm just gonna be like
mad chill about it,

like, you know, not get my hopes
up,

like whatever happens, happens,
it's cas.

- Nice.
Yeah, no, good attitude, dude,

just try and stick to that.

- I will. I will.

What about just a "Hey bae,
can't wait to see you today?"

- Do not say 'bae'. Jesus
Christ,
you actually say 'bae'?

- It's cute. It's cute.
- That's not cute.

- OK, fine.
"Hey Dave who needs to shit..."

- Do not bring up shit with the
guy
that you like.

- It's a personal joke.
It's very funny. You wouldn't
get it.

- OK. Say "Hey you", it's kind
of flirtatious,

and then say "meet you in the
mosh
at 4 for Colossal Ghosts, so excited".

- And then I'll finish with a
simple
series of emojis.

- OK. The crazy ghost emoji
is not sexy, Loz.

- It's adorable.
- It is not.

- What about just a turtle?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

Do you think he's here?

- When was your last message?

- Two hours ago.
- Was it exactly two hours?

- Two hours and 17 minutes.
- That's concerning. What did it
say?

- See you soon. And I ended up
with
two 'x's.

I fucked it. I fucked it.
- Oooh.

Look, you fucked it a little
bit,

we can totally do damage
control.
- I can just text him again.

- (SHOUTS) Oh my god!
Shut up. Shut up.

He left his phone home, his
battery died,

or maybe he read your message.

Cool.

Or what is most likely the
situation
is that he's fucked and munted,

just chewing his jaw off with
his mates

because the likelihood of you
actually meeting up tonight

was fuck all to begin with.

- Boy, shit, she needs to calm
down.

- Do you think she's OK?

- Yeah, she's fine, she's just
jealous
that you got a guy on the go.

- I feel bad.

- Don't.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

- How good was today?

- Yeah, heaps fucking good.
I had so much fun.

- It was just a top day.

- Top day. Not really what I was
expecting,

no guys were really my type
but still, so fun.

- Oh holy shit!

Oh my god!

- What?
- I've a missed call from Dave.

Missed call...from Dave!

- Oh my god.
- Thank you. Oh my god!

- Wants to meet up with you.

- But I look like shit. I look
like...

like look at this.
- No, you don't, you look
gorgeous.

- Do I?
- Yes.

- You know what? It's 2016.

At the end of the day, he can
take this
or leave this.

- Yeah, you want someone
who's gonna like the whole
shebang.

- This is what's on offer.

I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna
call him.

(PHONE RINGING)

(SING-SONG MANNER) Hey!

- Hi.
- Yeah, it's me.

- (INAUDIBLE) Have you left yet?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Where are ya?

- Under a streetlight on an
alleyway,
somewhere.

- Come to the kebab shop.

- Is he with any mates?
- Are you with any mates?

He hung up.

Oh my god! I can't believe I was
stressing
the whole day for nothing.

But are you sure I look OK?

- You look as bad as good
as you could right now.

- Are you sure?
- You look so fucking hot.

I would... Yeh.
- Yeah!

Wait up.

(BUMP FRIDGE)

(LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMING)

- I can't. I can't.

- What?
- I can't. I'm sorry.

- Oh!

Oh, that's cool.
- No, it's just that I...

- No, I think it's really nice

that you don't wanna just get in
my pants.

- Cool.
Come join me.

- Yay, Snuggle Town.
- Come on.

- It's the greatest place on
Earth.
- Come to Snuggle Town.

- Come, Doona Ville.
- Doona Ville. Is that where it
is?

- Yep.
- How did you find that?

- Google.
- Did you... Is it on Google
Maps, is it?

- (INAUDIBLE)

- Yeah, I had a couple of mates
like...

I started drinking before I got
divorced

and then you know I was going
out
on weekends

but the problem was that

like my ex-wife would make me
feel like
the worst person in the world.

She'd get the Elders over.
They'd all talk down to me

like make me feel like shit.

- So weird that you had a wife
as well.
- Very cult-y man, it was weird.

- It's so weird that you had a
wife.

- I know yeah, divorced at 21,
married at 19.

Like pretty short.

Like you literally get married
to sleep with the other person.

It's retarded. It's really
weird. It's really bad.

- Well, that must've been really
hard
for you,

you must've felt really alone.

- Yeah. Look, I mean it was
tough

but like I'm stoked I've left
now,

like I'm having so fun,
like I'm drinking as I want,

like come and go, I've got good
mates,

like masturbate as I please.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, it's good man.
- Oh, awesome.

- What were you doing back then?

- Back then, I was studying
Commerce

and getting as belted as humanly
possible
off Double Blacks.

- Classy. I kinda missed out on
that.

- I feel like you definitely
didn't.

I was pretty depresso too.
- Really?

- I had one friend from
high-school

who I was only friends with
'cause there was literally no
one else.

- Oh! Was that the girl from the
party
the other night?

- Yeah, Jen.
- Yeah. Awesome.

- Yeah, I forgot you met her.
- Yeah, drunky. Great.

- Yeah. Then I kind of,

I guess, I left all that
and I went into the arts

and it was amazing.
I had all these friends who,

for the first time,
I felt like I really belonged
with.

- Yeah, cool.

- I definitely didn't have it
as hard as you though.

I didn't have Elders
and a wife telling me

that I was going to hell, it was
more just like,

you know, you're gonna be living
in a slum

and living off toast scraps
for the rest of your life

unless you get a job in finance.
- Yeah, right.

- I feel like a lot of people
have a
tough time around then,

don't you think?

- I guess so.
- It's kind of like

you're brought up in a
particular belief
and moral system

and then you don't know
if you wanna stick to it,

and then you realize that you
hate
what you do and you don't even know

if you're gonna be OK
if you stray from the coop.

- Yeah, right.

- Do you like your job?

- A job's a job, isn't it?
Does anyone really like their
job?

- Is there much like upward
trajectory,
in it, like can you go somewhere?

- Yeah. Like I guess I'd...go
back
up to Newcastle,

like go back to the mines,
start, you know, saving some
cash.

Sydney's just fucking expensive.

- Ugh. Tell me about it.
- So expensive.

- I mean I like what I do

but I guess it's not a job
because I don't get paid.

(GIGGLES)
- What? Really?

Like you will though, won't you?

- Um, you know, I actually have
no idea.

- Yeh, right. Really?
- I have no idea.

- That's nuts.

Are you sure you don't want me
to take you to the station?

- Yeah. I'm all good. Thanks.

- Look, man, I hope class
isn't too brutal for ya.

- Thanks.

Hey, um...

do you wanna hang out again
sometime?

- Sure.

- Cool.
- Sweet.

- Alright, well...

- Alright.

- Bye.
- See ya.

(MUSIC PLAYS)
(TRAIN RATTLING)

- (OVER SPEAKER) Town Hall and
Central.
Passengers are reminded to...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(PRESSES BUTTON, CONTAINER)

(WATER RUNNING)

(TAPPING THIGH)
- (SINGS) Hey, Pastor, hey.

Left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could suicide from
TSS,

but don't freak out,
it was just an experiment...

To see if I could die from TSS,

but don't panic, it was just an
experiment.

(SPOKEN) Oh fuck.

(TAPPING PHONE)

- What dude?

Bodily fluids all over the floor
here.

- Yeah, yeh.

- Last-minute prep?

- Yep. Just getting a few things
ready
before class.

- Awesome. Can't wait to hear
it.

- Yeah.

- Jump, my brother, jump.

The river is deep and will catch
you.

It will let you run through its
flowing rivulets
and keep you safe.

- I'm scared.

I'm scared of the crow-clawed
branches
that will snare my skin

and bleed me until I am hollow.

- Jump, my brother, jump.

- Wow.

That was incredibly moving.

Danielle, how do you feel?

- Um. Actually,
it's kind of a little
confronting.

It's really surreal
hearing it out loud.

So, thank you so much.

I was really apprehensive
about sharing this piece,

so, yeah, thanks.

- It was very touching.

- Thank you.

- Kind of like opalescent.
You know when you're looking
into a seashell

and you see all those
beautiful colors.

- Awesome. Thank you.

- Lauren, have you been working
on a song?

- I'd actually like to just read
out a piece
I wrote just before class, if that's cool?

- Sure.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- (PAPER RUSTLING)

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You cook me breakfast
and opened a new toothbrush for
me to use,

and I just sat there on your
couch,
eating your food

and just judged you
for your life choices.

Like, you haven't even tried to
fuck me yet.

Like, I like you.
Like, I really, really like you.

For the first time in forever,
I actually like someone.

Ten months is the length of time
since my last root.

I feel so safe with you
in the passenger seat of your
ute,

just wrapped up in your sparky
arms

- even if your tattoos are,
like, super fugly.

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't myself.
I'm so sorry.

Just please, please message me
back.

- Hm.

- Grating...
Confronting.

- Are you OK?

- Yep.

- Let's leave it there.

Pat, what have you been working
on?

- Yeah, look, I've spent a lot
of time.

I went to my father's house in
the forest
and I really tried to engage

with the many different bird
songs
of the Hunter Valley region.

- Lauren, you got a minute?
- Yeah, sure.

- (CLEARS THROAT) I just
wondered

which way you were going to go
with your project,

which one you’re choosing.

- Oh, yeah.
I actually...

I kind of haven't haven't 100%
decided yet.

I'm still going back and forth
between the two projects.

- You were going to email me
on Friday,

and let me know what you're
doing.

- Yes.
Yeah, I was.

Sorry. It's just... It's been a
really, really
intense couple of days.

Like I won't go into detail.

What if I just flicked you an
email by Friday?
Is that cool?

- I have to let you know
I am reconsidering my options.

- What do you mean?

- The other members of the
writing group

have all made submissions
for Writer-in-Residence.

And initially, you were my front
runner.

I mean, you were streets ahead
of the others, in terms of your
ability.

But, in the interim,
the others have crept up.

And um...I really think they
should probably
all be considered in the mix for the resident.

- Tomorrow, I'll have a decision
for you by tomorrow.

OK, I'm so sorry, Greg.

Actually, you know what, I'll
just...
I'll go with the original one.

I'll go with the first
submission.

That's fine.
I'll just do that.

- Look.

I know you want to be treated
like a
professional.

And we all have our ups and
downs
- I know that -

but we have to deal with them.

I'm a little concerned
that you may not be able to
handle

the pressures and rigors
of a year-long
Writer-in-Residence.

- Right.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Well, we'll
talk.
- Yep.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(DOOR KNOCK)
(LAUGHTER)

- I heard you had a new guy?

- Yeah, I do.

- How's it going with him?

- Really good, I think.

- Did you guys meet up
the other night?

- Yes, we did.

- Oooh!

Did you bone him?

- No, actually and we haven't
yet.

- It's not like you.

- No, it isn’t.

He actually just wants to, like,
hang out with me.

He's not into the whole 'root
and boot' thing.

- You love a root and boot
though.

- Maybe once upon a time, OK?
But not for like the last two
years.

It just makes me feel really
scummy,
you know.

You know that feeling
when you are like mid-coitus
with a guy,

and it’s so intense
that you have to have a rest?

And so, you lie down on him or
whatever
and he puts his arms around you.

I want that feeling, but all the
time.

- You want a boyfriend?

- Yes. Now that you mention it,
I want a boyfriend.

I want a boyfriend.
- That's really good, dude.

I'm happy for you.

- Try going to kids, babes?

- Well, he's literally the kind
of guy
that I would settle down with and, like,

have a couple of kids with -
like straight up.

- How long have you known this
guy?
- Irrelevant, you know.

He's moving to Newcastle to get
a job
and I could see myself moving there with him.

Like, maybe going to Open
University,
doing some youth work.

- I'm gonna get another drink.

- OK.

Wow! Anyway, I meant to tell you
about this dream that I had.

- Yes! I love analyzing dreams.

- But this one's a really
fucked-up one.
So, prepare your body.

- Even better!

- So, in the dream, I got into
my car.

And I turned around and there
were two
hooded thugs sitting in the backseat.

And one of them pulled out a gun
and pointed it at my neck,

and shot me point blank.
And I bled out and died.

And I woke up and thought
I was in the afterlife.

Very confusing.

- Oh, that’s so heavy.

- I know.

- Oh my god! But do you know
what that means?

- What does that mean?
- New beginnings?

- Does it really?
- Yeh, dude.

Someone might have found
themselves
a new boyfriend.

- Oh, that's nice.

I hope so.

I don't know. I just don't wanna
get my hopes up, you know.

- Well, I reckon just wait and
see.
- (SIGHS)

(UNSCREWS CAP)
(POURS LIQUID)

(RESCREWS CAP)

- So, how are things
going with Greg?

- Well, I don't think I'm gonna
get
the residency.

- Why not?
- Because he's a fucking idiot.

Sorry if I mention the word
'uterus'
in my play like once.

And he's gonna go and give it to
Danielle,
who wrote a two hander

about two lesbian farmers
living in rural Australia,

whose son dies in a dry
riverbed.

Like, go figure.
That's not intriguing, Greg.

That's fucking dumb.

We had a really weird workshop
the other night

and I may have cried
but, like, you know...

Show a bit of compassion.

Sorry, I had one bad weekend
and missed one deadline.

Like I'm human, you know?

- But you didn't have
a bad weekend.

You went to a festival
and had a come-down.

- It was the worst come-down
I've ever had, dude.

I can only do cocaine, from now
on.

- Wasn't the deadline
for Friday anyway?

- It was perhaps for around
then.

- It was...it was for Friday.

- It was for Friday.

- You know what? I just I cannot
believe
how half-assed you’re being right now.

- I'm not being half-assed.

- No, I think you know why
you didn't meet that deadline.

- Well, I'm trying to write that
other
bloody play,

but it's just so pointless.
It is so pointless.

- No, I get it, right.

Yeah, then you should totally
move to Newcastle then.

- What the hell, dude?

I don't think you have any idea
the level of stress

I'm experiencing about my career
as a writer.

You know, I like this guy.

I think maybe I should invest
some time
in it to see if there's any potential.

You know, he can fix an entire
car,
and I can't even use Google Maps.

- What does that have to do with
it?

I don't know how to fix a car,
but you don't see me

running into the arms of
some guy I've just met,

like honing in on him, saying,
"love me".

You know, you do this.
You do this every fucking time.

- I do not do that.

I have no idea whether I'll ever
earn money
as a writer.

Do you know how much that sucks?

- Yeah, but we knew
our lives would be like this.

And we were willing to take the
risk

because we knew it would be
worth it,
and that we'd be doing what we love.

Like, we always talk about this,
dude,
how lucky we are.

- Yeah, well, I'm not having fun
anymore.
OK, Rache?

I'm in pain and I have no idea
if what I'm writing is even any
good.

There's a fairly high potential
that I suck,
and I have no other life skills.

I have nothing else I can do,
OK?

I can't even use Excel.

Maybe a bit of stability is
exactly what I need,
right now.

- Yeah, totally.
And hey, it sounds heaps easier.

And look, I'm really glad you've
decided to
throw the towel in

before you've even written
one full-length play.

Like, great job, Loz!
You gave it a real red-hot go.

- That is so mean, Rache.
That is so uncalled for.

- No, you’re just complaining
and whinging about fucking
everything.

- It's hard.

- What, you thought you'd get an
email
from Andrew Upton saying,

“Oh, hi, Greg mentioned your
name once.
Here’s $50,000.

"Can you write a play for us?"

Like, those dumb dreams
just do not come true.

Or if they do, it's after a long
period of time
and after a lot of hard fucking work.

- Why are you so mad?

- ‘Cause I’m working my fucking
ass off,

and you think you have this
right
to success.

It's just totally unreasonable.
Like, everything hasn't fallen
in your lap.

So, you just...I'll just,
eh...ready to give up.
Let's quit.

- My parents want to disown me
because I'm some pathetic
cleaner loser,

who has been at university for
forever,
is 25 still living at home,

and has not earned a single
dollar
from my writing.

And the first chance I had to
earn any money
just evaporated right in front of me.

Rache, what if...
What it in 15 years’ time, I'm
still here?

What if I'm 40 years old,
and I have no job, no boyfriend,

no babies and not a single
credit
to my name?

I'd actually fucking kill
myself.

- That is an absolute joke.

Did you hear the words that just
came out
of your mouth?

- Yes, and they’re the only
thing I think
about every night, before I go to sleep.

- What, and you think this guy
is the solution to that?

You think you're just gonna go
off
to Newcastle

and be happy in your little
life?

- Are you jealous that I have a
guy
and you don't?

- Holy fuck.

Wow, I just...

I cannot have this conversation
right now.

(MUSIC PLAYS)
(TRAIN RATTLING)

(DOOR KNOCK)

- Hi, do you have a moment
to talk about Jesus?

- (LAUGHS) Right away. Come in.
How are ya?

- Thanks, good, how are you
doing?

- Good.
- Yeh, sweet.

- My ex-girlfriend came round
today?

- Oh, yeah?
- She's such a bitch.

She's just a princess.

- What, did you guys have a
fight?
Like what happened?

- No, just... By the way,
my mate’s coming around for a
drink tonight.

- Oh sweet, awesome.
- She drives me nuts.

She comes in here, she tells me
my place looks like shit,

starts complaining about why
I'm not flying-in, flying-out
anymore,

talking 'bout her precious,
little boyfriend
that works in Potts Point as a stockbroker.

- That's fine, but I feel like
you're
absolutely killing it, at the moment.

You're the only person I know
who's thinking
of buying an actual house. Like, that’s huge.

- She's just... She's the
jealous type.
She wouldn't even let me talk to my mates.

- You've gotta talk to your
mates?

- She hacked into my Facebook
once
and told all of my mates to fuck off.

- Are you kidding?
What a psycho?

- I can't stand her.
- Ugh.

- You have male friends, don’t
you?

- Yeah... Yep.
- Thank you.

- I've got a bunch of male
friends.

Like one of my best mates, Jack,
is a...
He's a male.

- There you go.
- Yeah.

No, I've got...

I think it's kind of important
to
have like, male friends and female friends

and transgender friends.

Like, you don't just have to
have
sex with them.

- Exactly!

- I think it's important to have
a vast
buffet of friends.

- Thank you.

I completely agree.

- Yeah, no, I think that's
important.

- Anyway, look, how was your
day?

- OK.

I'm kind of just struggling with
my writing
a bit at the moment, to be honest.

- Are ya?
- Yes.

- That sucks.

By the way, my housemates
aren’t home till later.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Do you want to...
- Do you want to?

- Yep.
- Nice!

- I'm glad we haven't yet.
- Yeah, me too.

And it's cool 'cause I don't
have a hectic case
of ping and dick.

You alright?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

I just...
I haven't had sex in ages.

I just wanted to, like, throw
that out there.

- That's totally cool.

Yeah, I just... kind of got
fucked over
at the beginning of the year,

and it was just like
the whole thing.

- Ex-boyfriend?

- No, no, actually, it was just
a
long and boring story.

Anyway, I kind of just took a
timeout.

- That's cool.
Don’t worry about it.

(CAR DRIVING BY)

- By the way tonight, like,

don't feel like you need to
babysit me
or anything with your mates.

I'm totally cool to just chill.

- Yeah, I got that.
Totally cool.

- Yeah, awesome.

By the way, have you seen my
underwear?

- No.
(DOOR CLOSES)

- (OFFSCREEN) Hello!

- Hi! Have you got the chairs
ready?

- Oy, fag, where's the eski? My
beers are
getting warm.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Well, we were there for quite
a while.

You left probably like an hour
and a half later.

- (INAUDIBLE) Just drank till we
couldn't see
everyone.

- I don’t know how he kept
going.
- Met a few birds.

Yeah, I don’t know if you can
call his a bird,
but mine definitely...

(LAUGHTER)

- You should've seen the dog
face
that Rob brought home.

- It wasn't the cross-eyed one?

- Oh, no, bro.

She looked like Pamela
Anderson’s asshole.
- She wasn’t that bad.

She had a bit of an ugly face,
she was somewhat of a fraud.

But my god, she had a rig and a
half,
like tits out here!

- The teeth!
(LAUGHTER)

- Did you see the chompers
on that other one?

- That’s not a very nice thing
to
say about a girl, guys?

- Well, have you ever called
someone ugly?

- Yeah, but it’s...
- Exactly.

- Yeah, mate, look. It's not
like yours
was any better anyway.

- Mate, you kidding?
Mine was smoking.

She was beautiful, like, she was
gorgeous.
- Go on, tell us.

- Oh, yeah, she was pretty good
looking,
- For an Arab.

- Mate, she was not an Arab.

She was not an Arab.

She was Asian. She was Asian.

- No, she wasn’t.
She was definitely an Arab.

- Mate, her parents were from
the Philippines.

- Yeah, exactly.
So, she was an Arab.

- Mate, the Philippines is in
Asia,
you geographically retarded fuck.

- Yes, it is.
- Does it matter where she's
from?

- Well, yeah.
If you prefer san chow bao to
falafel.

(LAUGHTER)
- Come on, man. Come on.

- What?

- You know, just kind of chill.

- Chill?

- You know, just come on.
- What are you on about?

- Nothing man, just come on.

- What’s all this kind of
shush-shush
kind of bullshit.

- You know what?
Nothing.

Nothing's my problem. It’s
sweet.
- (SIGHS)

- I watched ‘Stepbrothers’
for like the 18th time last
night.

(CROSSTALK)

It was so good!

Have you seen it, Loz?
- No, I haven't.

- What?
- You haven't seen
‘Stepbrothers’?

- Who hasn't seen
‘Stepbrothers’.
- I've always wanted to see it.

I've just never got around to
it.
Like, I love Will Ferrell.

He's so funny.

- We thought you were cool,
but maybe not.

- Well, no, I've been meaning to
watch it.
I've seen the trailer.

- No, no, no.

We're not friends with people
who haven't watched
‘Stepbrothers’.

- Well, why don't we all watch
it together?

- No introductions are made,
mate, get out.
- Who is this chick?

- Hold on, don't actually go.
- Oh, no, no.

I was...just going inside to get
a drink.

Does anyone want one?
- No.

- What have we got?
- How many titties do we have
left?

What's like 13 divided by three?

- Oh, if you were Asian, you’d
know that.

(LAUGHTER)
- What?

- Because Asians are good at
Maths.

- (ALL) What?
That's racist.

- Oh my god.

- Are you racist?

- Oh my god.
I was joking. I was totally
joking.

- Haven’t watched ‘Stepbrothers’
and a racist.

Who are these girls you’re
hanging out with,
David?

- I’m gonna go get that drink.

- Alright, racist.
- Not a racist.

- Yeah, I'll go get a drink.
What have you got on the fucking
table?

(LAUGHTER)
- She's got a full drink.

- (TO HERSELF) Congratulations
on
becoming a fucking racist, you fucking idiot!

‘Stepbrothers’ was literally on
TV,
two nights ago.

You could have watched it.

- Are you OK, babe?

- Yeah, yeh, just looking for
the cider actually.
Can't find it.

- Just in the eski here.

- Aw! It is.
(OPENS AND CLOSES ESKI)

- Yum.

I'm just gonna go to the toilet.

- OK. Cool.

(OFFSCREEN SNORTING NOISES)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Oh hey I'm just...
going to the toilet.

- Cool, no worries.

- Oh I was just gonna say, like,
if your mates are going out
tonight,

totally cool if you go with
them, like I'm...

- Yeah we're not really thinking
about it,
so..

- Sorry, I just thought 'cause
you were...
never mind.

- Cool.
- Cool.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Do you have a second to talk?

- Lozzie, what's cooking, babe?

- It's kind of weird. I just, I
had sex
with that guy I was telling you about.

I had sex with Dave like
for the first time and like...

like the sex was, was fine

but it was kind of clunky
and weird

and like a little bit
uncomfortable

and I don't know, I think I was
expecting
it to be really good and it wasn't.

But like, is that normal? I
didn't know.
- 100%.

- Like it's hard to tell.

Well then after sex, a bunch of
mates
come over, and one of them

is this girl who used to hook up
with a whole bunch.

She's like a straight 10.

She smiles all the time
and they have all these personal
jokes

and it's just, it was fresh
hell.

She offered me a cider and
called me "babe"
in the same sentence. Like she's awful.

Yeah. Now, I don't know,
Dave's been kind of, kind of
frosty.

Like I don't know if that's just
me
reading into it

but like there is a cool change
from him, like he's not..

He's not really talking to me
or anything.

Oh, he asked me about exes.

- What did you say?

Well I just, I kind of said
that I got fucked over

at the beginning of the year
and I'm taking some time out.

I just, I made it sound really
kind of dramatic
and grandiose

when, in reality, the guy came
over once,
brought chicken wings,

we cooked them,
had sex and never spoke

to each other again

and I just stalked his Facebook
twenty times a day, for three
weeks.

That girl's probably just like
"Who the fuck is this bitch?"

and she's gonna karate-chop
me in the face later.

Oh and they're doing cocaine
which is fine but like offer me
some,

you know like be a gentleman.

I've got this bit of bread in my
hand
which I think I should eat

'cause I've been drinking quite
a lot

but I just... I can't eat,
I can't even breathe.

It's like you know,
maybe all I want to do

is move to Newcastle
and have a couple of kids

and look after them

but no, I have to get a
proper job, don't I?

And you know, at the end of the
day,
I'm just some privileged white cunt

who's like, here's my plays
about period blood.

You know what the worst part
about that is?

Is I just bemoan the fact that
my biggest
struggle is

the fact that I'm a privileged
white cunt.

He's just, he's taken over 100%
of my thought space.

I just, I want him to be
my boyfriend so badly.

- Mm... But you'll never be able
to force
someone to love you.

- Mm-hm.
- Lozzie, I can come pick you
up, babe.

- OK, well, I'm gonna go
and lie down now

but thank you for listening
and I'll talk to you soon OK.
Bye.

- Loz!

(SHUTS DOOR)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HITS HERSELF)

(CROSSTALK)

- There you are, babe. Hey.

- Hey. I just hit my head
on the door handle.

Fell over.

- Whoa, that's a shiner.
- See.

- Yeah, you're a big girl,
you'll be alright.
- Are you alright, babe?

- Yeah.

- Hey fellas.
- (ALL) Hey.

- Matty!
- Mate, you decided to join us.

- You must be Loz.
- Hi. Yeah.

- You got a bit of a shiner
there.
What happened?

- Yeah I was um, I was just
telling
these guys I just slipped

and fell over and hit it
on a door handle inside.

- Want to grab some ice for
that?

- Oh, OK. Thanks.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- What was that?

- What happened in there?

- It's so weird.

(SHIFTS AROUND)

(TAPS PHONE)

(TAPS SENDS)

- Maybe it's time to consider
your other options.

You're such a smart girl.

Why don't you go back
and finish your Commerce degree?

- My Commerce degree. Mom,
that's not the advice I need
right now.

- Or midwifery.

Your father brought that
up the other night.

Remember how
you used to want to do that.

- Yeah, when I was like
in Year 11.

- You'd meet lots of rich
doctors,
doing nursing.

You could join those medical
societies
and go to balls.

- I don't want
to go to balls.

- Well, you don't seem to be
having
much luck with this?

- But I like what I do.
- Right.

Well, what do you want me
to say then?

I mean, what do you want
from me?

- I don't know.
A hug might be nice?

- (GIGGLES)
- I don't know.

Wow. Thanks, Mom,
that was really, really
heartwarming.

Thanks.
- What do you want me to say,
Lauren?

'Cause I never seem to say
the bloody right thing.

And I'm just trying to help you.
You're nearly 30.

- I'm not nearly 30.
I'm 25.

- Every year this happens.
You come crying to me saying,

(MIMICKING LOZ) "I didn't get
this,
I didn't get that".

You know life is tough. Sure!

But you've got it good.
It's time to get a move on.

- I know I've got it good
and I am getting a move on.

It just doesn't happen
overnight.

- Oh.
(STIRS POT)

- (SIGHS) Off to your cleaning
job
on a Saturday then, that sucks.

- Yep, I am off to my cleaning
job
on a Saturday.

- You look more like
you're going to Centrelink.

Ah - don't I get a kiss now?

(AIR KISSES)

(MUSIC PLAYS)
(MACHINE HUMMING)

- (CRYING)

(MACHINE STOPS)
(CRYING CONTINUES)

(YELLS) Reply you motherfucker!

(SOBS)

- When was his last message?

- Six days.

- Mm. I wouldn't give up hope
just yet.

Like something could have
happened
to his phone. It was like..

smashed it or dropped in the
toilet
or didn't pay his phone bill

and probably like..

- He posted on Facebook
two hours ago

and he doesn't have a laptop
so it must have been from his
phone.

- Just saw a light go on.
- Where?

- Second floor.
- That was already on.

- So what's the plan?
Like if he does come out of his
house.

We're just gonna get out of the
car
and say, "hey," Is that...?

It might come across
as a bit intense.

- I haven't really thought that
far ahead,
to be honest.

- Let's go out tonight.

Let's get heaps fucked up.

We'll get you a total rando
to have sex with.

It'll be perfect.
That's just what you need.

I'll go on Facebook
and see if there are any events.

Actually, Gary from marketing
is having a party

at the local pub
because he got a raise

which is awesome because work
probably put on a bar tab.

- Someone's gonna love me,
one day, right?

- Well, assuming you don't get
hit by a bus tomorrow, yes.

Someone's gonna love you
across your 70-year lifespan.

Maybe you'll meet your soulmate
in a nursing home, when you're
90.

- Wow.

- So tonight, I'm really bloated
because I'm heaps full of
period.

So I reckon I wear that like
black, snakeskin airline skirt

that I have because it's really
really flattering.

And then maybe a crop top
that just shows a little bit of
midriff

and not like the bloody section
of my gut.

- (SINGS SOFTLY) See if I could
gas...

myself to death.

But did it work? Yes.

(PLAYS AND SINGS) No,
it was not successful!

I didn't die. (FLIPS PAGE)

I'm still alive.

Guess I'll have to
think of something new,

next time I suicide.
(STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) We met in line

for the toilet
at a house party.

(STOPS AND SIGHS)

(RUSTLING PAGES)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) I'm just...
I'm just a girl

suspended from a high school

but asking my Maths teacher
to meet me after high school.

The separation's killing me.

The chase with him was thrilling
me.

Remember, remember,
when you told me that

you could see my bra strap
through my shirt.

I really thought
we could make it work.

I mean you're only 32,

and I'll be 16 soon.
(STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE RINGING)
- (RECORDED VOICE) Voicemail
message.

- (LOZ SPEAKING) Hey, girl,

I'm sure your balls-deep in
sewing
but if you need a hand

or you want to hang out.

Give me a call. I'll talk to you
soon.
(PHONE BEEPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DOOR KNOCK)

- You're just like poking
things.

- No, I'm pulling off sequins so
you can then
sew them back on again better.

- You're hopeless.
- No, I'm not.

- You are re utterly hopeless.
- I'm helping.

I'm an elf helping you.

- How did things go with the
psychologist yesterday?

- Oh, yeah.

Ow! Yeah.
No, good, I think.

Like I've have like mad levels
of anxiety
to work through

but that's fine.

Oh and the seat was so damp
and not in a sexy way.

Like, I just cried.
I cried and cried.

- Oh no! You want to like really
convince
the trendy psychologist lady

that you're really cool but like
you're fucking like tears. It's
really hard.

You want to be like, "I'm normal
outside of these walls."

- Yeah. Exactly.
Oh, and I emailed Greg.

I'm leaving STET.
- What?

- I decided you know,
that's what I'm gonna do.

I can either wait to be
validated
by a 50-year-old man

who uses Oedipus Rex as a cum
rag

or I can you know, go out and
get it myself.

- Fuck, yes!
Holy tits.

I thought you were
about to tell me you

were like throwing
the rag in or some shit.

- Oh dude, no.

Look, all I've wanted to do
since my whole life imploded

is just write songs -
like I've just been writing
songs.

- Yes.

- Yeah and I know what I write
is like 100% bat shit.

- Bat shit and fucking awesome.

- And the jokes and the songs
like they might not land.

But what scares me more
than that is the idea that I'll
just...

that I'll just never
give it a go.

You know? This is all I want
to do for the rest of my life.

- That's fucking awesome, dude.

And like, it's like a
recovering alcoholic, right?

You take one day at a time
and you put all the other shit
to the side

and just like don't look into
the black void
that is the future.

- Mm.

I owe you an apology
by the way.

- Did you fart in my purse
again?

- Yes, I farted in your purse.

- To celebrate?
- But I'm not apologizing for
that.

- Well, no, I'm not even angry.

- It's that I called you...

I still can't believe I did
this,
the 'calling you jealous' thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That was the most arsehole thing
I've ever said to you.

- It's fine. Hey look,
if I'm being honest,

maybe I was the teeniest,
tiniest bit jealous. (GIGGLES)

- Oh, really?

- Well, I was just like, why
does no one
want to spoon me, god damn?

- Right? It's like
I already miss the smell of
their armpits,

like that beautiful like
mixed smell of like BO and
antiperspirant.

- I love it.
- I love that.

Ooh, by the way, I have a new
song
to run past you.

- Yays. Yay!

Ooh, is it about a girl
who becomes a temporary racist,

and then uses her phone
as a self-harm device?

'Cause I'd really like to see
that in song and dance.

- Well, that's just really
brutal.
And, yes, it is.

- (LAUGHS) Yes!

- OK, give me a beat.
- A beat?

(TRYING TO BEATBOX)

- It's not a rap.

- I'm not the fucking musician.

- When did you learn
to beatbox?

OK, stop. Never do that again.

OK. Clap.

(BOTH CLAP)
Two three, one two three.

Is that good? Are you ready for
this?
- I'm ready.

- I'm going to hit you with it.

(LOZ SINGS) We met in the line
for the toilet at a house party.

- Solid.

- We talked. I thought he was a
tool
and he thought I was arty.

But we got along just fine.
- (SINGS TOO) Just fine.

- And so I hunted him online
on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter,

LinkedIn and Hotmail,

'cause I thought
he was a hot male.

(SINGING, CLAPPING STOPS)
- Nice.

- You like it? First verse.

- Yes. No, that's solid.
- Feedback!

- I like that you've rhymed
hot male with Hotmail.

Just pure lyrical genius.
- Exactly.

My vocabulary is...knows no
bounds.

- I would have liked to have
seen
'farty' rhymed with 'party'.

- Shit!
- But that's my only criticism.

- I don't even know why I
didn't...
This is why I need you around.

Please laugh, if no one else
does.

- Oh I'll be there.

(PIANO PLAYS)

- (LOZ SINGS) Hey, hey, hey.

Why do you say?
I left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could die from TSS
but did it work?

Yes.
No. It was not successful.

I didn't die.
I am still alive.

Guess I'll have to think of
something new,

next time I suicide.

I know it seems dramatic
and erratic, to you,

my life looks just fantastic.

But Mother hates me.
My father hates me.

The barista at my local cafe,
well, he fucking hates me,

if he knew me, he would probably
hate me too.

For people who are hated like
me,
there's just one thing left to do,

Oh, hoy, hoy, hoy.

Would it annoy you
if I tried to impale myself

on a sex toy

to see if I could fuck my heart
to death
but did it work?

Yes.
No. It was not successful.

I didn't die.
I'm still alive.