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Downloaded from YTS.MX

(WOMAN PLAYING PIANO AND SINGING NOTES)

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(DOOR OPENS)

(PUTS BOWL DOWN)

(DOOR OPENS)

(SCISSOR CUTTING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(NAIL CLIPPER CUTTING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

- (SINGS) Hey, hey, hey... Hey, hey, hey.

What do you say?

I left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could die from TSS but did it work?

Yes. Did it work?

Yes. (STOPS PLAYING)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) Did it work? Yes.

Did it work? No.

I'm still alive.

I didn't die.

I guess I'll have to think of something new

next time I try and suicide.

Suicide... (STOPS PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYS) (DOOR OPENS)

(MUSIC STOPS) Fuck me dead.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(SCRATCHES GROUND, HALTS)

(CARS PASS BY)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Sorry I can't come out tonight, dude, I'm babysitting.

- Fuck that, you're not babysitting. - No, I am.

They've had it booked in for ages.

It's like their wedding anniversary or something. I can't just cancel.

- Please, please, please come out with me tonight.

There's a really good house party we can go to.

- Oh, whose?

- The barista that works at the bottom of my building.

He has a top knot, totally your type.

- Ew, no, he's not.

- He's in a band. - Oh yeah?

- And has heaps of friends with beards.

- Ok. We've discussed this. I don't like beards.

- Please come out. I'll pay for the taxi home.

- I'm sorry. I really can't do...

Why don't we just get a light brunch tomorrow

instead in that place on the corner?

- I don't want to get brunch. I wanna get shitfaced.

- (SIGHS) OK. Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

OK. Bye.

- Who is that? - Jen.

- (SIGHS) She's still with her boyfriend?

- No, actually, he fled to London.

So she's in full blown despo mode.

- No. - I feel really bad.

I'm kind of her only friend.

Maybe I should go out with her tonight.

I don't know I just...I don't want to.

- What else were you gonna do?

- Stay in and watch 'Pretty Little Liars' until I fall asleep on myself.

- Yeah. Way better. Friday nights in is where it's at!

- Right? Like I haven't gone out for like six months now

and I wake up every morning and I don't feel like a leper.

- It's amazing. - It is. Yeah.

- How's old Greg?

- Good. Yeah.

Well, I sent him an email of the draft that I'm

working on and I don't wanna get ahead of

myself but I'm pretty sure he's called me here

today to offer me the residency.

- Fuck, dude. That's like 20 grand.

- I know, it is.

- Imagine how many donuts we could buy with that?

- We could buy so many donuts with that.

- We can finally buy a donut cart. - Yes.

Well, I better head up. I don't wanna be late for him.

- No worries, good luck, dude. - I'll let you know how it goes.

- Please do. (DOOR OPENS)

- So what happened to the play you were writing earlier in the year?

- I wasn't really enjoying writing it, to be honest.

- Why not?

- Well, it was one of those things where like I'd write chunks of it,

and then I'd read it back and be like,

"wow, that's boring as fuck, isn't it?"

So...

- We really liked that one.

- Well, I didn't, to be honest, Greg, like the material, like

the content meant absolutely nothing to me.

But did you get the new draft that I sent through?

- Mm. Yeah. It's um...

A little.. - A little..

- A little too much.

- A little too much. What do you mean?

- I'm going to take all these photos of my vulva

and then collage them to make a big picture of Tony Abbott's face.

Below will read the caption, "fist yourself, then die fucked hard."

- Well, it's meant to be sung.

It's more like... (SINGS) "Fist yourselves, then die... fucked hard".

Like quite a jazzy kind of style of delivery.

- Right.

- Are you liberal?

- No. - Right.

- It's gratuitous, Lauren.

This is a youth-oriented theatre company.

- Well, I mean, the play you commissioned last year was about

a 17-year-old-boy who brutally murders his grandmother, I mean.

- There are levels of gratuity. I mean, fisting.

- There's not actual fisting in it, Greg.

There's fisting references. I mean, I remember a lot of very gratuitous

scenes from the play last year. And oh, I'm not saying, like I didn't enjoy it.

I loved it for the most part but I just, I don't see

the level of gratuity you're talking about in my work.

- (CLEARS THROAT) I seeked sweet revenge

and contaminated the holy water with my period blood

and I didn't just dunk my tampon in the chalice like a teabag,

I squatted over it and squeezed my uterus as hard as I could to

push out some nice, fresh clots.

- Well, she's not murdering anyone.

- Catholic schools, Lauren, make up half of our matinee audience.

The teachers would be just beside themselves.

- Greg, I can't censor everything I do for Catholic high school teachers

like that seems absurd.

- Lauren, if you persist with this work,

we won't be able to look at you for the residency.

- What? No, no, no, Greg.

I feel like it's just not coming off the page properly for you.

I mean...I mean, look at it, it's it's a story of a young girl,

a virgin, who's rebelling in her own arbitrary fashion.

I mean, it certainly is crude in some parts

but I mean, it's...it's a comedy.

It's light.

It's not that light, but you know it's it's sassy,

it's whimsical, it's very funny. It's very funny.

- No, but I fail to see the humor.

I'd be happy to have another look at your 'boring as fuck' play.

I mean, it may surprise you to know that

I actually see potential in that one.

(CLOSES FOLDER)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

- (CHOPPING VEGIES) Yep, I got a really good idea.

Took me a real long time to work it out too.

Write the script that this man is going to pay you twenty bloody

thousand dollars for.

- But if I do that it means I'm succumbing to his narrow-minded, sexist perspective.

- Please! Get over yourself, girl. Jesus.

Isn't this what you want, to be a paid writer, or are

you enjoying that cleaning job of yours too much?

- Look, yes, but... (SIGHS) Look, I knew if I took this path

it would be hard. If I wanted to get paid

to do something I don't like doing,

I would have just finished my commerce degree.

- Well, there's a great idea.

That's the first bright thing to come out of your mouth in years.

Why don't you go and finish that Commerce degree?

- Do you want me to jump off a cliff?

Do you want me to kill myself? Alright, I'll do that.

- Alright, so, you have to kill yourself do you?

Because you've been asked to get a job just like everybody else on the planet does.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAPTOP SHUTS)

- Are you still drinking that pub shit?

You should have moved on to red wine and gin, by now, babe.

- Well, hello to you too.

- Where's your housemate?

- She's always at her boyfriend's house which is pretty great

'cause she's a bit of a dick so I don't have to deal with her.

Yeah, not mine. - Yeah I assumed.

- So I went home with my boss on Tuesday night.

- Isn't he married?

- Recently separated. Came to my desk and was like, Jen,

let's celebrate my newfound freedom.

- And I was like, David, I know exactly what that means.

And yes, I'll have sex with you, gave me a really good rim job.

- Like a butt rim job?

- Yeah, like a butt rim job.

- Can't quite say I have ventured into rim job territory yet.

- Fuck, I highly recommend you try.

- So, did you give him one as well?

- Yeah.

- Did it taste like, like poo-ey?

- There's a definite anus-y smell but you keep things clean, you know.

- Yeah. I mean that's respectful.

- Loz, you always gotta keep your butthole clean, babe.

- Obviously, like, obviously.

So, were you really hungover at work the next day?

- Yes, but I don't give a fuck 'cause I hate my job.

- I actually haven't been drinking at all

because I've been focusing on my writing.

- Mm... How's that going for you?

- Yeah, really good. Good...

I think.

- Sounds exciting. What happened to that guy you were friendzoning?

- Oh yeah.

No, well and truly in the friendzone. It just kind of wasn't really going anywhere.

- Boo! You just have to get drunk and pash him.

That's the only way things get started.

- Well, I haven't been drinking.

- Then you're just shooting yourself in the foot, babe.

Why don't you go on Tinder, and try and get

one of those Sunday morning runners?

- Yeah.

- So who have you been hooking up with?

- I haven't really been doing much of that at all recently.

- Who was your last guy?

- That I kissed?

- No.

- Um... total random.

- Total random? - Yep.

Well, do you remember barbecue chicken guy?

- That was a year ago.

- Was it? - Yes.

- Well it must have been longer than I thought then.

- Loz, that was a whole year ago!

- You know I actually read an article on my news feed yesterday that said that a

lot of people have a celibate year in their early 20s. It's perfectly normal.

- And whoever wrote that is a massive loser.

- No, it was like legitimately scientific. It's a very healthy thing to do.

- Oh my god. I am so glad we're going out tonight.

We're gonna get you fucked up and get you a guy.

- Well, not too fucked up I've got to write tomorrow.

- Drink just enough to inebriate yourself into having sex with a total stranger.

- Sometimes I feel like the only reason we go out is to get boys and hook up.

- Yeah. Why else would we go out?

- To have fun?

- You know how many episodes of 'Dance Mums' there are to watch?

Like I'm literally only doing this

to get a boyfriend and then I'm going straight back into hibernation.

- Well you've been going on like a whole bunch of dates.

Are you sure you're not just being, like, too picky?

- Dude, I went on a blind date with a bald guy with a ginger and grey speckled beard.

Like I'm literally scraping the bottom of the barrel.

- Yeah, well.

- You know, my grandma's always like this,

"Someone for everyone" and that's just bullshit.

The fact of the matter is is that we could end up forty five

in some apartment block that smells like piss

where the only joy in our days is to get into matching tracksuits

and watch 'My Kitchen Rules'.

- Oh. That won't happen

- I don't know, babe.

Don't want to get left on the shelf.

- Whose party are we going to? - I don't know.

- Do we know anyone in there? - Yeah, we know the barista guy.

- Oh great, that's reassuring. Who's the barista guy?

- The hot one that works in the bottom of my building.

Jesus. You don't listen to anything I say.

- I listen to a few of the things that you say.

OK so we don't know anyone in there.

- Yeah. But it's like a party. We're gonna meet people there.

- Dude, that is so awkward. - It's not.

- Who am I going to talk to? - Oh my god, it's not awkward.

- I hope there are dogs in there. I'll play with them.

- Jesus!

'Loz' a year ago would have had her pants off and been dancing on the couch by now.

- I'm not 'Loz' a year ago. - No, clearly.

- OK, I've changed.

- Bloody Granny May stayin' in the house all day with my nine cats.

- I'm not that bad.

I suddenly really want to go in. - Oh my god!

- Dammmn. - (PANTS LIKE A DOG)

- (COUGHS) - I'm so happy you're here with me tonight.

- I know, same. - Let's go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) (BACKGROUND CHATTER)

- So what actually made you want to be a paramedic?

- Did Surf Lifesaving all through school. Pretty good in a crisis, so, yeah.

- Ah, that is so admirable.

See, I was actually going to be a midwife up until I was about eight or nine.

Um, then I kind of just um fell into playwriting

which is what I'm doing now which is ah still good.

- Yeah, right.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Ah! Having a drink of the old moonshine, are we?

- What?

- I like a man who drinks a man's drink. You know.

- OK.

- The whiskey made in Australia is actually really incredible.

I can see you have a Scottish drop there.

- Yeah... yeah. - Yep.

- Hey Jen, it's me.

I assume you're probably dead or dying

but if you're not, can you please call me back?

I'm about to head off.

- (FOOTSTEPS) Fuck. - OK. Bye.

- Are you waiting for the toilet?

- No, I'm just looking for a friend. Sorry.

- Fuck, do you know who's in there?

- No, but whoever it is has been there for a very long time.

- Not good news.

- You really need to piss, don't you?

- Yeah.

- Well you're a guy. Can't you just piss like outside? Like in the kitchen?

- This is not just a piss, unfortunately.

- Oh you need to take a shit. Taking a shit at a house party.

That's courageous. - I know. I know. It sucks.

- There you go. Of course.

Hey Jen, how you doing?

- Guys, I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Jen. This is... - Alright. (LAUGHS)

- I'm Dave. - This is Dave who needs to shit.

- Dave who's all of a sudden being taken over by your friend.

- Hi Dave! - OK. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. - I'm so sorry.

- Oh my God. OK.

Yep. - Hi Dave!

- Yeah. Jen. Jen we've talked about this OK.

- (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - I didn't plan that.

- I was... - I'm so sorry.

I'm... Look, I'm Dave.

- You can touch my hand? I'm Loz.

- I should, I should. Yeh, now that I've touched everything else.

- Yeah, I guess, it's probably alright, it's alright.

- Yeah. I'm Loz. Nice to meet you. OK.

- Look. Are you hanging around for a drink afterwards?

- Yeah. Sure. Awesome.

- Cool. Let's get a drink.

- Yeah except I'm not gonna wait here because I don't wanna be here

for whatever's about to happen in there.

- Probably a good vote. - I'm in the kitchen.

Oh you poor thing.

- Me and the Elders used to do that together.

- I'm sorry the what?

- The Elders.

- This is frightening. Is this Narnia? - And they used to get in trouble.

Well, you couldn't have sex before marriage,

you couldn't even, couldn't even masturbate.

- So you've never had sex? Sorry, we're at a party. I shouldn't say that.

- It's OK, like... - You've never had sex? What?

- I'm no longer a Jehovah's witness, as you know. But...

- Congratulations, I'm really proud of you.

- Thank you. Look, I'm pretty happy with it.

- I had a brief, brief run-in with religion

when I went to a friend's youth group with them.

- Oh yeh, what kind of youth group? - But it was one of those weird pancake days.

So I just went for the pancakes... - And they, were they good?

- ...and they were mediocre. So I didn't commit.

And I wasn't allowed... - So that's your experience of religion?

- I wasn't allowed to take the bread or the wine because I'm not like religious.

You'll get smut, smite, smited? -

- Smited. - Smoot.

- Smoot, smite.

- Do they sacrifice virgins? - You got smite!

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- Dave masturbates now.

Like just something... yeh you know just something...

- That was...That was beautiful - ...like subtle.

- How do I get the CD? Where do I get the CD?

- CD? What century are you in? (LAUGHTER)

Where do I get your vinyl?

So you've actually never had sex before, like you still hold to be part of...?

- Mm...No. - ...verbally in your hand.

- No, no, no. I have had sex now. - You've had sex!

Congratulations. - Yeah, but it kinda came with a catch.

I got married at 19. Yeah.

- You're kidding! - Literally. Married at 19.

What was I gonna do? I was a 19-year-old kid

that had never had sex before. - Watch porn and go to strip clubs.

- I couldn't touch myself.

It doesn't... - Jehovah will know?

- Jehovah will get you.

Jehovah will get you, that's what they tell you.

You are the one that got the conversation

of me masturbating. - No, it wasn't. I'm pretty sure that was you.

- Maybe you were tryin to make me!

- Oh what? Do you wanna go masturbate? Fuckin' go for it mate.

- You don't wanna cum?

- No, well, I do but not in, not in... - Not in that way.

(LAUGHTER)

- Suz and my's relationship lasted for half an hour after the wedding

and then we hated each other for the rest of the time.

- Oh is that all it is? Well, that's ambitious for the first time.

Well... I was thinking a minute and a half.

- I was pretty happy with my performance. I may have expanded on it a little bit.

- Your friend's outside. She's fucked.

- Oh!

Let's go and...see to this trainwreck.

- That sounds like fun.

- Jen.

- Shit! Is she alright? - Come on.

She's just headed to vomit town.

She's good. Done this before. We've been there a lot.

- No shit.

Do you want me to get a taxi or something?

- Thanks. I'll be totally fine.

I'll just walk her home.

It's all good. You go back to the party.

- Are you sure? - Yep. Totally fine.

(BODY DROPS TO FLOOR)

There's a shower and meat pie in it

for you at the other end. - Yep, I'm in.

- Great. Let's do it. OK. - No problem.

- Hang on, I'll just grab her stuff.

- You alright? Alright. Come on you. Get your head up. Come on.

Alright. You ready?

Three... - Oh hang on, wait.

- Two, yep. - Got it.

- (GRUNTS)

- She'll pay for your dry-cleaning.

- What did you eat, girl? - It's definitely all over your pants.

- Yeah, that's nice.

Chicken curry. - It's like a couple blocks that way.

Don't fucking touch me, Jen.

In the bucket, in the bucket, in the bucket. OK.

Aim. Good.

- (OFFSCREEN) Ugh, Lozzie, there's nothing left.

- (MAN SHUFFLING) - Good. That's good.

She's down for the night. - You did well. Well done.

Well done. - God, thank you.

- So, do you hang out here a lot?

- Well, Jen's an old high-school friend

but I haven't seen her in ages,

(QUIETLY) so I haven't really been here...

(KISSING)

- Good one.

- They're a bit tight.

- They are tight, aren't they?

(LAUGHTER)

- I'll get you undone.

- You're good. You done that before? (LAUGHS)

- You wanna keep your socks on?

- Yeah, I do want to keep my socks on. (LAUGHS)

It's business time.

- OK, one second. - Alright.

(DRAWER OPENS) (RUMMAGING)

Oh, you're back? - Yep.

Where'd you go?

- OK. (MASSAGING)

- What?

I didn't think we're gonna go that far.

- Oh my god!

I kind of just assumed. I am so sorry.

- That's totally cool. - I just assumed that we were going to.

- It's totally cool. The only question is now,

what do I do with this?

- I've got a towel in the bathroom.

- Yeah? Or your face. - No! Eww.

- Alright. Come on. Let me go clean up. I'll come back.

- OK. - Yeah?

- Alright, give me a sec.

- Shit.

- Alright. (CLAPS) Big spoon or little spoon.

- I will have one little spoon.

- One little spoon? - Yes.

- Alright. This is coming up. Here you are.

- (LAUGHS) - I'll shock you or something.

Alright, come here!

Here, let me clean you. - Oh, thank you.

- Was that good? - Mm-hm.

- Better? - Mm-hm.

- Much. - Mm-hm.

Oh! And get this, he messages very promptly.

Like yesterday, he messaged me at 3:32

and I messaged back a cool like 20 minutes later,

so it was like 3:50 or something.

3:53, response.

- Wow! Nice. - I know.

I've never ever had that before.

Like he's nice, he's got a good job and a good sense of humor.

He's thinking of buying an actual house

- also like obviously not in Sydney -

but in Newcastle, he's gonna get a job in the mines there or something

which is pretty cool. He's at that stage where like

he'll just buy his parents a plasma screen TV for Christmas.

And I'm still at that stage

where I need my parents to pay for my gynecological appointments.

- Is it gynecological or gynecology?

- I'm gonna go with gynecological but that's just me.

- Am I done? - Yeah, all good.

- Did you guys have sex in the morning?

- No, we actually didn't have sex at all.

- What? - Yeah, I know, right?

- That's weird. - Yeah, it's like what you assume

is gonna happen when they like come home with you.

- Yeah.

Dude, he must really like you.

- Maybe. I don't know.

- Did you wanna fuck?

- You know? Actually, I don't know if I did.

It's like when he came home with me, I was like my body is ready

and then when he said that, I was kind of just like, "Oh, OK."

and then we just spooned. It was actually really nice.

I've forgotten how good it feels

to have a man's arms wrapped around you.

It was so warm.

Yeah, it was pretty cute.

I think I'm just gonna be like mad chill about it,

like, you know, not get my hopes up,

like whatever happens, happens, it's cas.

- Nice. Yeah, no, good attitude, dude,

just try and stick to that.

- I will. I will.

What about just a "Hey bae, can't wait to see you today?"

- Do not say 'bae'. Jesus Christ, you actually say 'bae'?

- It's cute. It's cute. - That's not cute.

- OK, fine. "Hey Dave who needs to shit..."

- Do not bring up shit with the guy that you like.

- It's a personal joke. It's very funny. You wouldn't get it.

- OK. Say "Hey you", it's kind of flirtatious,

and then say "meet you in the mosh at 4 for Colossal Ghosts, so excited".

- And then I'll finish with a simple series of emojis.

- OK. The crazy ghost emoji is not sexy, Loz.

- It's adorable. - It is not.

- What about just a turtle?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

Do you think he's here?

- When was your last message?

- Two hours ago. - Was it exactly two hours?

- Two hours and 17 minutes. - That's concerning. What did it say?

- See you soon. And I ended up with two 'x's.

I fucked it. I fucked it. - Oooh.

Look, you fucked it a little bit,

we can totally do damage control. - I can just text him again.

- (SHOUTS) Oh my god! Shut up. Shut up.

He left his phone home, his battery died,

or maybe he read your message.

Cool.

Or what is most likely the situation is that he's fucked and munted,

just chewing his jaw off with his mates

because the likelihood of you actually meeting up tonight

was fuck all to begin with.

- Boy, shit, she needs to calm down.

- Do you think she's OK?

- Yeah, she's fine, she's just jealous that you got a guy on the go.

- I feel bad.

- Don't.

(MUSIC PLAYING) (BACKGROUND CHATTER)

- How good was today?

- Yeah, heaps fucking good. I had so much fun.

- It was just a top day.

- Top day. Not really what I was expecting,

no guys were really my type but still, so fun.

- Oh holy shit!

Oh my god!

- What? - I've a missed call from Dave.

Missed call...from Dave!

- Oh my god. - Thank you. Oh my god!

- Wants to meet up with you.

- But I look like shit. I look like...

like look at this. - No, you don't, you look gorgeous.

- Do I? - Yes.

- You know what? It's 2016.

At the end of the day, he can take this or leave this.

- Yeah, you want someone who's gonna like the whole shebang.

- This is what's on offer.

I'm gonna call him. I'm gonna call him.

(PHONE RINGING)

(SING-SONG MANNER) Hey!

- Hi. - Yeah, it's me.

- (INAUDIBLE) Have you left yet? - Yeah, yeah.

- Where are ya?

- Under a streetlight on an alleyway, somewhere.

- Come to the kebab shop.

- Is he with any mates? - Are you with any mates?

He hung up.

Oh my god! I can't believe I was stressing the whole day for nothing.

But are you sure I look OK?

- You look as bad as good as you could right now.

- Are you sure? - You look so fucking hot.

I would... Yeh. - Yeah!

Wait up.

(BUMP FRIDGE)

(LAUGHTER) (SCREAMING)

- I can't. I can't.

- What? - I can't. I'm sorry.

- Oh!

Oh, that's cool. - No, it's just that I...

- No, I think it's really nice

that you don't wanna just get in my pants.

- Cool. Come join me.

- Yay, Snuggle Town. - Come on.

- It's the greatest place on Earth. - Come to Snuggle Town.

- Come, Doona Ville. - Doona Ville. Is that where it is?

- Yep. - How did you find that?

- Google. - Did you... Is it on Google Maps, is it?

- (INAUDIBLE)

- Yeah, I had a couple of mates like...

I started drinking before I got divorced

and then you know I was going out on weekends

but the problem was that

like my ex-wife would make me feel like the worst person in the world.

She'd get the Elders over. They'd all talk down to me

like make me feel like shit.

- So weird that you had a wife as well. - Very cult-y man, it was weird.

- It's so weird that you had a wife.

- I know yeah, divorced at 21, married at 19.

Like pretty short.

Like you literally get married to sleep with the other person.

It's retarded. It's really weird. It's really bad.

- Well, that must've been really hard for you,

you must've felt really alone.

- Yeah. Look, I mean it was tough

but like I'm stoked I've left now,

like I'm having so fun, like I'm drinking as I want,

like come and go, I've got good mates,

like masturbate as I please. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, it's good man. - Oh, awesome.

- What were you doing back then?

- Back then, I was studying Commerce

and getting as belted as humanly possible off Double Blacks.

- Classy. I kinda missed out on that.

- I feel like you definitely didn't.

I was pretty depresso too. - Really?

- I had one friend from high-school

who I was only friends with 'cause there was literally no one else.

- Oh! Was that the girl from the party the other night?

- Yeah, Jen. - Yeah. Awesome.

- Yeah, I forgot you met her. - Yeah, drunky. Great.

- Yeah. Then I kind of,

I guess, I left all that and I went into the arts

and it was amazing. I had all these friends who,

for the first time, I felt like I really belonged with.

- Yeah, cool.

- I definitely didn't have it as hard as you though.

I didn't have Elders and a wife telling me

that I was going to hell, it was more just like,

you know, you're gonna be living in a slum

and living off toast scraps for the rest of your life

unless you get a job in finance. - Yeah, right.

- I feel like a lot of people have a tough time around then,

don't you think?

- I guess so. - It's kind of like

you're brought up in a particular belief and moral system

and then you don't know if you wanna stick to it,

and then you realize that you hate what you do and you don't even know

if you're gonna be OK if you stray from the coop.

- Yeah, right.

- Do you like your job?

- A job's a job, isn't it? Does anyone really like their job?

- Is there much like upward trajectory, in it, like can you go somewhere?

- Yeah. Like I guess I'd...go back up to Newcastle,

like go back to the mines, start, you know, saving some cash.

Sydney's just fucking expensive.

- Ugh. Tell me about it. - So expensive.

- I mean I like what I do

but I guess it's not a job because I don't get paid.

(GIGGLES) - What? Really?

Like you will though, won't you?

- Um, you know, I actually have no idea.

- Yeh, right. Really? - I have no idea.

- That's nuts.

Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the station?

- Yeah. I'm all good. Thanks.

- Look, man, I hope class isn't too brutal for ya.

- Thanks.

Hey, um...

do you wanna hang out again sometime?

- Sure.

- Cool. - Sweet.

- Alright, well...

- Alright.

- Bye. - See ya.

(MUSIC PLAYS) (TRAIN RATTLING)

- (OVER SPEAKER) Town Hall and Central. Passengers are reminded to...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(PRESSES BUTTON, CONTAINER)

(WATER RUNNING)

(TAPPING THIGH) - (SINGS) Hey, Pastor, hey.

Left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could suicide from TSS,

but don't freak out, it was just an experiment...

To see if I could die from TSS,

but don't panic, it was just an experiment.

(SPOKEN) Oh fuck.

(TAPPING PHONE)

- What dude?

Bodily fluids all over the floor here.

- Yeah, yeh.

- Last-minute prep?

- Yep. Just getting a few things ready before class.

- Awesome. Can't wait to hear it.

- Yeah.

- Jump, my brother, jump.

The river is deep and will catch you.

It will let you run through its flowing rivulets and keep you safe.

- I'm scared.

I'm scared of the crow-clawed branches that will snare my skin

and bleed me until I am hollow.

- Jump, my brother, jump.

- Wow.

That was incredibly moving.

Danielle, how do you feel?

- Um. Actually, it's kind of a little confronting.

It's really surreal hearing it out loud.

So, thank you so much.

I was really apprehensive about sharing this piece,

so, yeah, thanks.

- It was very touching.

- Thank you.

- Kind of like opalescent. You know when you're looking into a seashell

and you see all those beautiful colors.

- Awesome. Thank you.

- Lauren, have you been working on a song?

- I'd actually like to just read out a piece I wrote just before class, if that's cool?

- Sure.

- (CLEARS THROAT) - (PAPER RUSTLING)

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You cook me breakfast and opened a new toothbrush for me to use,

and I just sat there on your couch, eating your food

and just judged you for your life choices.

Like, you haven't even tried to fuck me yet.

Like, I like you. Like, I really, really like you.

For the first time in forever, I actually like someone.

Ten months is the length of time since my last root.

I feel so safe with you in the passenger seat of your ute,

just wrapped up in your sparky arms

- even if your tattoos are, like, super fugly.

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't myself. I'm so sorry.

Just please, please message me back.

- Hm.

- Grating... Confronting.

- Are you OK?

- Yep.

- Let's leave it there.

Pat, what have you been working on?

- Yeah, look, I've spent a lot of time.

I went to my father's house in the forest and I really tried to engage

with the many different bird songs of the Hunter Valley region.

- Lauren, you got a minute? - Yeah, sure.

- (CLEARS THROAT) I just wondered

which way you were going to go with your project,

which one you’re choosing.

- Oh, yeah. I actually...

I kind of haven't haven't 100% decided yet.

I'm still going back and forth between the two projects.

- You were going to email me on Friday,

and let me know what you're doing.

- Yes. Yeah, I was.

Sorry. It's just... It's been a really, really intense couple of days.

Like I won't go into detail.

What if I just flicked you an email by Friday? Is that cool?

- I have to let you know I am reconsidering my options.

- What do you mean?

- The other members of the writing group

have all made submissions for Writer-in-Residence.

And initially, you were my front runner.

I mean, you were streets ahead of the others, in terms of your ability.

But, in the interim, the others have crept up.

And um...I really think they should probably all be considered in the mix for the resident.

- Tomorrow, I'll have a decision for you by tomorrow.

OK, I'm so sorry, Greg.

Actually, you know what, I'll just... I'll go with the original one.

I'll go with the first submission.

That's fine. I'll just do that.

- Look.

I know you want to be treated like a professional.

And we all have our ups and downs - I know that -

but we have to deal with them.

I'm a little concerned that you may not be able to handle

the pressures and rigors of a year-long Writer-in-Residence.

- Right.

- (CLEARS THROAT) Well, we'll talk. - Yep.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(DOOR KNOCK) (LAUGHTER)

- I heard you had a new guy?

- Yeah, I do.

- How's it going with him?

- Really good, I think.

- Did you guys meet up the other night?

- Yes, we did.

- Oooh!

Did you bone him?

- No, actually and we haven't yet.

- It's not like you.

- No, it isn’t.

He actually just wants to, like, hang out with me.

He's not into the whole 'root and boot' thing.

- You love a root and boot though.

- Maybe once upon a time, OK? But not for like the last two years.

It just makes me feel really scummy, you know.

You know that feeling when you are like mid-coitus with a guy,

and it’s so intense that you have to have a rest?

And so, you lie down on him or whatever and he puts his arms around you.

I want that feeling, but all the time.

- You want a boyfriend?

- Yes. Now that you mention it, I want a boyfriend.

I want a boyfriend. - That's really good, dude.

I'm happy for you.

- Try going to kids, babes?

- Well, he's literally the kind of guy that I would settle down with and, like,

have a couple of kids with - like straight up.

- How long have you known this guy? - Irrelevant, you know.

He's moving to Newcastle to get a job and I could see myself moving there with him.

Like, maybe going to Open University, doing some youth work.

- I'm gonna get another drink.

- OK.

Wow! Anyway, I meant to tell you about this dream that I had.

- Yes! I love analyzing dreams.

- But this one's a really fucked-up one. So, prepare your body.

- Even better!

- So, in the dream, I got into my car.

And I turned around and there were two hooded thugs sitting in the backseat.

And one of them pulled out a gun and pointed it at my neck,

and shot me point blank. And I bled out and died.

And I woke up and thought I was in the afterlife.

Very confusing.

- Oh, that’s so heavy.

- I know.

- Oh my god! But do you know what that means?

- What does that mean? - New beginnings?

- Does it really? - Yeh, dude.

Someone might have found themselves a new boyfriend.

- Oh, that's nice.

I hope so.

I don't know. I just don't wanna get my hopes up, you know.

- Well, I reckon just wait and see. - (SIGHS)

(UNSCREWS CAP) (POURS LIQUID)

(RESCREWS CAP)

- So, how are things going with Greg?

- Well, I don't think I'm gonna get the residency.

- Why not? - Because he's a fucking idiot.

Sorry if I mention the word 'uterus' in my play like once.

And he's gonna go and give it to Danielle, who wrote a two hander

about two lesbian farmers living in rural Australia,

whose son dies in a dry riverbed.

Like, go figure. That's not intriguing, Greg.

That's fucking dumb.

We had a really weird workshop the other night

and I may have cried but, like, you know...

Show a bit of compassion.

Sorry, I had one bad weekend and missed one deadline.

Like I'm human, you know?

- But you didn't have a bad weekend.

You went to a festival and had a come-down.

- It was the worst come-down I've ever had, dude.

I can only do cocaine, from now on.

- Wasn't the deadline for Friday anyway?

- It was perhaps for around then.

- It was...it was for Friday.

- It was for Friday.

- You know what? I just I cannot believe how half-assed you’re being right now.

- I'm not being half-assed.

- No, I think you know why you didn't meet that deadline.

- Well, I'm trying to write that other bloody play,

but it's just so pointless. It is so pointless.

- No, I get it, right.

Yeah, then you should totally move to Newcastle then.

- What the hell, dude?

I don't think you have any idea the level of stress

I'm experiencing about my career as a writer.

You know, I like this guy.

I think maybe I should invest some time in it to see if there's any potential.

You know, he can fix an entire car, and I can't even use Google Maps.

- What does that have to do with it?

I don't know how to fix a car, but you don't see me

running into the arms of some guy I've just met,

like honing in on him, saying, "love me".

You know, you do this. You do this every fucking time.

- I do not do that.

I have no idea whether I'll ever earn money as a writer.

Do you know how much that sucks?

- Yeah, but we knew our lives would be like this.

And we were willing to take the risk

because we knew it would be worth it, and that we'd be doing what we love.

Like, we always talk about this, dude, how lucky we are.

- Yeah, well, I'm not having fun anymore. OK, Rache?

I'm in pain and I have no idea if what I'm writing is even any good.

There's a fairly high potential that I suck, and I have no other life skills.

I have nothing else I can do, OK?

I can't even use Excel.

Maybe a bit of stability is exactly what I need, right now.

- Yeah, totally. And hey, it sounds heaps easier.

And look, I'm really glad you've decided to throw the towel in

before you've even written one full-length play.

Like, great job, Loz! You gave it a real red-hot go.

- That is so mean, Rache. That is so uncalled for.

- No, you’re just complaining and whinging about fucking everything.

- It's hard.

- What, you thought you'd get an email from Andrew Upton saying,

“Oh, hi, Greg mentioned your name once. Here’s $50,000.

"Can you write a play for us?"

Like, those dumb dreams just do not come true.

Or if they do, it's after a long period of time and after a lot of hard fucking work.

- Why are you so mad?

- ‘Cause I’m working my fucking ass off,

and you think you have this right to success.

It's just totally unreasonable. Like, everything hasn't fallen in your lap.

So, you just...I'll just, eh...ready to give up. Let's quit.

- My parents want to disown me because I'm some pathetic cleaner loser,

who has been at university for forever, is 25 still living at home,

and has not earned a single dollar from my writing.

And the first chance I had to earn any money just evaporated right in front of me.

Rache, what if... What it in 15 years’ time, I'm still here?

What if I'm 40 years old, and I have no job, no boyfriend,

no babies and not a single credit to my name?

I'd actually fucking kill myself.

- That is an absolute joke.

Did you hear the words that just came out of your mouth?

- Yes, and they’re the only thing I think about every night, before I go to sleep.

- What, and you think this guy is the solution to that?

You think you're just gonna go off to Newcastle

and be happy in your little life?

- Are you jealous that I have a guy and you don't?

- Holy fuck.

Wow, I just...

I cannot have this conversation right now.

(MUSIC PLAYS) (TRAIN RATTLING)

(DOOR KNOCK)

- Hi, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus?

- (LAUGHS) Right away. Come in. How are ya?

- Thanks, good, how are you doing?

- Good. - Yeh, sweet.

- My ex-girlfriend came round today?

- Oh, yeah? - She's such a bitch.

She's just a princess.

- What, did you guys have a fight? Like what happened?

- No, just... By the way, my mate’s coming around for a drink tonight.

- Oh sweet, awesome. - She drives me nuts.

She comes in here, she tells me my place looks like shit,

starts complaining about why I'm not flying-in, flying-out anymore,

talking 'bout her precious, little boyfriend that works in Potts Point as a stockbroker.

- That's fine, but I feel like you're absolutely killing it, at the moment.

You're the only person I know who's thinking of buying an actual house. Like, that’s huge.

- She's just... She's the jealous type. She wouldn't even let me talk to my mates.

- You've gotta talk to your mates?

- She hacked into my Facebook once and told all of my mates to fuck off.

- Are you kidding? What a psycho?

- I can't stand her. - Ugh.

- You have male friends, don’t you?

- Yeah... Yep. - Thank you.

- I've got a bunch of male friends.

Like one of my best mates, Jack, is a... He's a male.

- There you go. - Yeah.

No, I've got...

I think it's kind of important to have like, male friends and female friends

and transgender friends.

Like, you don't just have to have sex with them.

- Exactly!

- I think it's important to have a vast buffet of friends.

- Thank you.

I completely agree.

- Yeah, no, I think that's important.

- Anyway, look, how was your day?

- OK.

I'm kind of just struggling with my writing a bit at the moment, to be honest.

- Are ya? - Yes.

- That sucks.

By the way, my housemates aren’t home till later.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Do you want to... - Do you want to?

- Yep. - Nice!

- I'm glad we haven't yet. - Yeah, me too.

And it's cool 'cause I don't have a hectic case of ping and dick.

You alright?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

I just... I haven't had sex in ages.

I just wanted to, like, throw that out there.

- That's totally cool.

Yeah, I just... kind of got fucked over at the beginning of the year,

and it was just like the whole thing.

- Ex-boyfriend?

- No, no, actually, it was just a long and boring story.

Anyway, I kind of just took a timeout.

- That's cool. Don’t worry about it.

(CAR DRIVING BY)

- By the way tonight, like,

don't feel like you need to babysit me or anything with your mates.

I'm totally cool to just chill.

- Yeah, I got that. Totally cool.

- Yeah, awesome.

By the way, have you seen my underwear?

- No. (DOOR CLOSES)

- (OFFSCREEN) Hello!

- Hi! Have you got the chairs ready?

- Oy, fag, where's the eski? My beers are getting warm.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Well, we were there for quite a while.

You left probably like an hour and a half later.

- (INAUDIBLE) Just drank till we couldn't see everyone.

- I don’t know how he kept going. - Met a few birds.

Yeah, I don’t know if you can call his a bird, but mine definitely...

(LAUGHTER)

- You should've seen the dog face that Rob brought home.

- It wasn't the cross-eyed one?

- Oh, no, bro.

She looked like Pamela Anderson’s asshole. - She wasn’t that bad.

She had a bit of an ugly face, she was somewhat of a fraud.

But my god, she had a rig and a half, like tits out here!

- The teeth! (LAUGHTER)

- Did you see the chompers on that other one?

- That’s not a very nice thing to say about a girl, guys?

- Well, have you ever called someone ugly?

- Yeah, but it’s... - Exactly.

- Yeah, mate, look. It's not like yours was any better anyway.

- Mate, you kidding? Mine was smoking.

She was beautiful, like, she was gorgeous. - Go on, tell us.

- Oh, yeah, she was pretty good looking, - For an Arab.

- Mate, she was not an Arab.

She was not an Arab.

She was Asian. She was Asian.

- No, she wasn’t. She was definitely an Arab.

- Mate, her parents were from the Philippines.

- Yeah, exactly. So, she was an Arab.

- Mate, the Philippines is in Asia, you geographically retarded fuck.

- Yes, it is. - Does it matter where she's from?

- Well, yeah. If you prefer san chow bao to falafel.

(LAUGHTER) - Come on, man. Come on.

- What?

- You know, just kind of chill.

- Chill?

- You know, just come on. - What are you on about?

- Nothing man, just come on.

- What’s all this kind of shush-shush kind of bullshit.

- You know what? Nothing.

Nothing's my problem. It’s sweet. - (SIGHS)

- I watched ‘Stepbrothers’ for like the 18th time last night.

(CROSSTALK)

It was so good!

Have you seen it, Loz? - No, I haven't.

- What? - You haven't seen ‘Stepbrothers’?

- Who hasn't seen ‘Stepbrothers’. - I've always wanted to see it.

I've just never got around to it. Like, I love Will Ferrell.

He's so funny.

- We thought you were cool, but maybe not.

- Well, no, I've been meaning to watch it. I've seen the trailer.

- No, no, no.

We're not friends with people who haven't watched ‘Stepbrothers’.

- Well, why don't we all watch it together?

- No introductions are made, mate, get out. - Who is this chick?

- Hold on, don't actually go. - Oh, no, no.

I was...just going inside to get a drink.

Does anyone want one? - No.

- What have we got? - How many titties do we have left?

What's like 13 divided by three?

- Oh, if you were Asian, you’d know that.

(LAUGHTER) - What?

- Because Asians are good at Maths.

- (ALL) What? That's racist.

- Oh my god.

- Are you racist?

- Oh my god. I was joking. I was totally joking.

- Haven’t watched ‘Stepbrothers’ and a racist.

Who are these girls you’re hanging out with, David?

- I’m gonna go get that drink.

- Alright, racist. - Not a racist.

- Yeah, I'll go get a drink. What have you got on the fucking table?

(LAUGHTER) - She's got a full drink.

- (TO HERSELF) Congratulations on becoming a fucking racist, you fucking idiot!

‘Stepbrothers’ was literally on TV, two nights ago.

You could have watched it.

- Are you OK, babe?

- Yeah, yeh, just looking for the cider actually. Can't find it.

- Just in the eski here.

- Aw! It is. (OPENS AND CLOSES ESKI)

- Yum.

I'm just gonna go to the toilet.

- OK. Cool.

(OFFSCREEN SNORTING NOISES)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Oh hey I'm just... going to the toilet.

- Cool, no worries.

- Oh I was just gonna say, like, if your mates are going out tonight,

totally cool if you go with them, like I'm...

- Yeah we're not really thinking about it, so..

- Sorry, I just thought 'cause you were... never mind.

- Cool. - Cool.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Do you have a second to talk?

- Lozzie, what's cooking, babe?

- It's kind of weird. I just, I had sex with that guy I was telling you about.

I had sex with Dave like for the first time and like...

like the sex was, was fine

but it was kind of clunky and weird

and like a little bit uncomfortable

and I don't know, I think I was expecting it to be really good and it wasn't.

But like, is that normal? I didn't know. - 100%.

- Like it's hard to tell.

Well then after sex, a bunch of mates come over, and one of them

is this girl who used to hook up with a whole bunch.

She's like a straight 10.

She smiles all the time and they have all these personal jokes

and it's just, it was fresh hell.

She offered me a cider and called me "babe" in the same sentence. Like she's awful.

Yeah. Now, I don't know, Dave's been kind of, kind of frosty.

Like I don't know if that's just me reading into it

but like there is a cool change from him, like he's not..

He's not really talking to me or anything.

Oh, he asked me about exes.

- What did you say?

Well I just, I kind of said that I got fucked over

at the beginning of the year and I'm taking some time out.

I just, I made it sound really kind of dramatic and grandiose

when, in reality, the guy came over once, brought chicken wings,

we cooked them, had sex and never spoke

to each other again

and I just stalked his Facebook twenty times a day, for three weeks.

That girl's probably just like "Who the fuck is this bitch?"

and she's gonna karate-chop me in the face later.

Oh and they're doing cocaine which is fine but like offer me some,

you know like be a gentleman.

I've got this bit of bread in my hand which I think I should eat

'cause I've been drinking quite a lot

but I just... I can't eat, I can't even breathe.

It's like you know, maybe all I want to do

is move to Newcastle and have a couple of kids

and look after them

but no, I have to get a proper job, don't I?

And you know, at the end of the day, I'm just some privileged white cunt

who's like, here's my plays about period blood.

You know what the worst part about that is?

Is I just bemoan the fact that my biggest struggle is

the fact that I'm a privileged white cunt.

He's just, he's taken over 100% of my thought space.

I just, I want him to be my boyfriend so badly.

- Mm... But you'll never be able to force someone to love you.

- Mm-hm. - Lozzie, I can come pick you up, babe.

- OK, well, I'm gonna go and lie down now

but thank you for listening and I'll talk to you soon OK. Bye.

- Loz!

(SHUTS DOOR)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(HITS HERSELF)

(CROSSTALK)

- There you are, babe. Hey.

- Hey. I just hit my head on the door handle.

Fell over.

- Whoa, that's a shiner. - See.

- Yeah, you're a big girl, you'll be alright. - Are you alright, babe?

- Yeah.

- Hey fellas. - (ALL) Hey.

- Matty! - Mate, you decided to join us.

- You must be Loz. - Hi. Yeah.

- You got a bit of a shiner there. What happened?

- Yeah I was um, I was just telling these guys I just slipped

and fell over and hit it on a door handle inside.

- Want to grab some ice for that?

- Oh, OK. Thanks.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- What was that?

- What happened in there?

- It's so weird.

(SHIFTS AROUND)

(TAPS PHONE)

(TAPS SENDS)

- Maybe it's time to consider your other options.

You're such a smart girl.

Why don't you go back and finish your Commerce degree?

- My Commerce degree. Mom, that's not the advice I need right now.

- Or midwifery.

Your father brought that up the other night.

Remember how you used to want to do that.

- Yeah, when I was like in Year 11.

- You'd meet lots of rich doctors, doing nursing.

You could join those medical societies and go to balls.

- I don't want to go to balls.

- Well, you don't seem to be having much luck with this?

- But I like what I do. - Right.

Well, what do you want me to say then?

I mean, what do you want from me?

- I don't know. A hug might be nice?

- (GIGGLES) - I don't know.

Wow. Thanks, Mom, that was really, really heartwarming.

Thanks. - What do you want me to say, Lauren?

'Cause I never seem to say the bloody right thing.

And I'm just trying to help you. You're nearly 30.

- I'm not nearly 30. I'm 25.

- Every year this happens. You come crying to me saying,

(MIMICKING LOZ) "I didn't get this, I didn't get that".

You know life is tough. Sure!

But you've got it good. It's time to get a move on.

- I know I've got it good and I am getting a move on.

It just doesn't happen overnight.

- Oh. (STIRS POT)

- (SIGHS) Off to your cleaning job on a Saturday then, that sucks.

- Yep, I am off to my cleaning job on a Saturday.

- You look more like you're going to Centrelink.

Ah - don't I get a kiss now?

(AIR KISSES)

(MUSIC PLAYS) (MACHINE HUMMING)

- (CRYING)

(MACHINE STOPS) (CRYING CONTINUES)

(YELLS) Reply you motherfucker!

(SOBS)

- When was his last message?

- Six days.

- Mm. I wouldn't give up hope just yet.

Like something could have happened to his phone. It was like..

smashed it or dropped in the toilet or didn't pay his phone bill

and probably like..

- He posted on Facebook two hours ago

and he doesn't have a laptop so it must have been from his phone.

- Just saw a light go on. - Where?

- Second floor. - That was already on.

- So what's the plan? Like if he does come out of his house.

We're just gonna get out of the car and say, "hey," Is that...?

It might come across as a bit intense.

- I haven't really thought that far ahead, to be honest.

- Let's go out tonight.

Let's get heaps fucked up.

We'll get you a total rando to have sex with.

It'll be perfect. That's just what you need.

I'll go on Facebook and see if there are any events.

Actually, Gary from marketing is having a party

at the local pub because he got a raise

which is awesome because work probably put on a bar tab.

- Someone's gonna love me, one day, right?

- Well, assuming you don't get hit by a bus tomorrow, yes.

Someone's gonna love you across your 70-year lifespan.

Maybe you'll meet your soulmate in a nursing home, when you're 90.

- Wow.

- So tonight, I'm really bloated because I'm heaps full of period.

So I reckon I wear that like black, snakeskin airline skirt

that I have because it's really really flattering.

And then maybe a crop top that just shows a little bit of midriff

and not like the bloody section of my gut.

- (SINGS SOFTLY) See if I could gas...

myself to death.

But did it work? Yes.

(PLAYS AND SINGS) No, it was not successful!

I didn't die. (FLIPS PAGE)

I'm still alive.

Guess I'll have to think of something new,

next time I suicide. (STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) We met in line

for the toilet at a house party.

(STOPS AND SIGHS)

(RUSTLING PAGES)

(PLAYS AND SINGS) I'm just... I'm just a girl

suspended from a high school

but asking my Maths teacher to meet me after high school.

The separation's killing me.

The chase with him was thrilling me.

Remember, remember, when you told me that

you could see my bra strap through my shirt.

I really thought we could make it work.

I mean you're only 32,

and I'll be 16 soon. (STOPS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(PHONE RINGING) - (RECORDED VOICE) Voicemail message.

- (LOZ SPEAKING) Hey, girl,

I'm sure your balls-deep in sewing but if you need a hand

or you want to hang out.

Give me a call. I'll talk to you soon. (PHONE BEEPS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(DOOR KNOCK)

- You're just like poking things.

- No, I'm pulling off sequins so you can then sew them back on again better.

- You're hopeless. - No, I'm not.

- You are re utterly hopeless. - I'm helping.

I'm an elf helping you.

- How did things go with the psychologist yesterday?

- Oh, yeah.

Ow! Yeah. No, good, I think.

Like I've have like mad levels of anxiety to work through

but that's fine.

Oh and the seat was so damp and not in a sexy way.

Like, I just cried. I cried and cried.

- Oh no! You want to like really convince the trendy psychologist lady

that you're really cool but like you're fucking like tears. It's really hard.

You want to be like, "I'm normal outside of these walls."

- Yeah. Exactly. Oh, and I emailed Greg.

I'm leaving STET. - What?

- I decided you know, that's what I'm gonna do.

I can either wait to be validated by a 50-year-old man

who uses Oedipus Rex as a cum rag

or I can you know, go out and get it myself.

- Fuck, yes! Holy tits.

I thought you were about to tell me you

were like throwing the rag in or some shit.

- Oh dude, no.

Look, all I've wanted to do since my whole life imploded

is just write songs - like I've just been writing songs.

- Yes.

- Yeah and I know what I write is like 100% bat shit.

- Bat shit and fucking awesome.

- And the jokes and the songs like they might not land.

But what scares me more than that is the idea that I'll just...

that I'll just never give it a go.

You know? This is all I want to do for the rest of my life.

- That's fucking awesome, dude.

And like, it's like a recovering alcoholic, right?

You take one day at a time and you put all the other shit to the side

and just like don't look into the black void that is the future.

- Mm.

I owe you an apology by the way.

- Did you fart in my purse again?

- Yes, I farted in your purse.

- To celebrate? - But I'm not apologizing for that.

- Well, no, I'm not even angry.

- It's that I called you...

I still can't believe I did this, the 'calling you jealous' thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That was the most arsehole thing I've ever said to you.

- It's fine. Hey look, if I'm being honest,

maybe I was the teeniest, tiniest bit jealous. (GIGGLES)

- Oh, really?

- Well, I was just like, why does no one want to spoon me, god damn?

- Right? It's like I already miss the smell of their armpits,

like that beautiful like mixed smell of like BO and antiperspirant.

- I love it. - I love that.

Ooh, by the way, I have a new song to run past you.

- Yays. Yay!

Ooh, is it about a girl who becomes a temporary racist,

and then uses her phone as a self-harm device?

'Cause I'd really like to see that in song and dance.

- Well, that's just really brutal. And, yes, it is.

- (LAUGHS) Yes!

- OK, give me a beat. - A beat?

(TRYING TO BEATBOX)

- It's not a rap.

- I'm not the fucking musician.

- When did you learn to beatbox?

OK, stop. Never do that again.

OK. Clap.

(BOTH CLAP) Two three, one two three.

Is that good? Are you ready for this? - I'm ready.

- I'm going to hit you with it.

(LOZ SINGS) We met in the line for the toilet at a house party.

- Solid.

- We talked. I thought he was a tool and he thought I was arty.

But we got along just fine. - (SINGS TOO) Just fine.

- And so I hunted him online on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter,

LinkedIn and Hotmail,

'cause I thought he was a hot male.

(SINGING, CLAPPING STOPS) - Nice.

- You like it? First verse.

- Yes. No, that's solid. - Feedback!

- I like that you've rhymed hot male with Hotmail.

Just pure lyrical genius. - Exactly.

My vocabulary is...knows no bounds.

- I would have liked to have seen 'farty' rhymed with 'party'.

- Shit! - But that's my only criticism.

- I don't even know why I didn't... This is why I need you around.

Please laugh, if no one else does.

- Oh I'll be there.

(PIANO PLAYS)

- (LOZ SINGS) Hey, hey, hey.

Why do you say? I left my tampon in for 15 days

to see if I could die from TSS but did it work?

Yes. No. It was not successful.

I didn't die. I am still alive.

Guess I'll have to think of something new,

next time I suicide.

I know it seems dramatic and erratic, to you,

my life looks just fantastic.

But Mother hates me. My father hates me.

The barista at my local cafe, well, he fucking hates me,

if he knew me, he would probably hate me too.

For people who are hated like me, there's just one thing left to do,

Oh, hoy, hoy, hoy.

Would it annoy you if I tried to impale myself

on a sex toy

to see if I could fuck my heart to death but did it work?

Yes. No. It was not successful.

I didn't die. I'm still alive.