Original subtitles

♪♪

-(grunting)

Ahh!

Oh! (grunts)

-Fishhook, you bastard. -(grunts)

(horn blows)

-Happy birthday, Frank. -Where's my present?

-It's in the living room. Come on.

♪♪ ("Happy Birthday")

-What's goin' on?

-Frank, this is an intervention. -This is an intervention, Frank.

Fuck. Sorry.

Happy birthday, buddy. Yay!

(pops)

♪♪

-My birthday present's an intervention.

-We also got you a bike.

-What's the intervention for?

-You're stuck in a cycle, Frank.

You keep making the same mistakes,

and it's affecting our lives, too.

These past few weeks have been really hard for me--

-MARY: Oh, Jesus, Aine.

It's not just one thing, Frank.

It's everything about you.

-It's this whole... situation.

You have to change. We all agree.

-Et tu, Doofus?

-(clears throat)

"The film 'Memento' stars Guy Pearce

"as anterograde amnesiac Leonard Shelby--"

-What's that got to do with anything?

-"Memento" is about a man caught in a cycle, Aine.

Like Frank. It's also a film told in reverse,

and that's what Frank's doin', movin' backwards,

when really, he needs to move forward

and reinvent himself the way Guy Pearce did

after "Neighbours" when he started doing

cool independent films like "Memento."

So, Frank, you need to be

less like Guy Pearce in "Memento,"

and more like Guy Pearce doing "Mem--

It's very simple. I have a graph here.

-That's-- Look at the facts, Frank.

You're 33, you don't have a job--

-I do have a job. -Music isn't a job

unless you're paid for it.

-It's-- Napster! -You don't have a job,

you're still livin' at home.

You can't even fucking drive, hence the bicycle.

You're welcome, by the way.

-You think I'm stuck in a cycle

so you gave me a bike?

Duh! -Listen to us, Frank.

If you keep livin' like this,

what's your life gonna look like in 30 years?

♪♪

-(laughing)

-What's he doing here? -Liam's home, pet.

For good this time.

-How's the intervention going? Sorry I slept in,

I'm bloody wrecked. -Not surprised,

the dicking you gave me last night. (chuckles)

-He can't stay here, Mam.

I'm not in the business of taking in freeloaders.

Are those my underpants?

-What's with the narky vibes, brother? Relaxez vous.

Hey, Mares, any chance of a cup of tea? -Yeah.

-Do not make that man a cup of tea, Mary.

Don't make him a cup of tea, Mam.

Goddamnit!

I'm in a cycle?

Every couple of years,

you let this amadáin back in your life,

then when things get real, he skedaddles,

and you go back to ridin' silly young willy,

willy nilly. -Zing!

-How long has this been goin' on?

Thirty years! More!

-About that, I'd say.

-FRANK: Right, so classic cycle.

Aine, you blame me for holdin' you back,

but every time you get with somebody new,

you fuck it up by gettin' back with me.

Cycle. -I've done that, like...

four times at the most. -(laughs)

-Doofus, you live at home, too.

You don't have a job, either.

You can't drive any more than I can.

Cycle! -I do cycle.

-No, you-- you're-- -And I pay my Mam rent,

and I got my job back, Frank.

-You got your job-- Fuck. Never mind.

This is the worst birthday of my entire life.

I'm not "Memento," you guys are "Memento."

You're all fuckin' "Memento." -I'm not "Memento."

-You're so fuckin' "Memento." You're the worst "Memento."

-Now, look, I'll admit I've made mistakes in the past.

But here's the thing this wild rover realized on the road.

♪ I don't have plans and schemes ♪

♪ And I don't have hopes and dreams ♪

-No one wants to hear your music, Liam.

-♪ I don't have anything ♪

♪ Since I don't have you ♪

-Hey. Stop that.

Stop touching my mother.

-You're just the same as him, Frank.

You're all fuckin' losers.

-Fuck off, Aine!

-FRANK: I'm nothing like that man and I'm gonna prove it.

-Don't know if this is a good idea, Frank,

I'm on my last warning in here.

-Hurry up. -I am, you're hurting my wrist.

-WOMAN: Two minutes, Doofus!

-Listen, Zoe is intense, okay? Don't--

Don't fuck around in there, she'll--

she'll hit you, Frank. -Mm-mm.

-Did you bring your CV? -Yeah, course I did.

She'll love it.

-That's a CD. -Yeah.

Ah, fuck!

♪ We'll be together ♪

♪ Together, we will be ♪

-You're proposing we play this in the store?

-No. No, just thought you'd like it.

-I don't like it.

What do you see when you look at me, Frank?

-Very nice young lady.

-I've been working here since I was 14 years old.

I am the youngest Shuppa Shop manager

in North County Dublin history.

Give me a couple years, I'll own the place.

And I'll find another Shuppa Shop, and another.

And by the time I'm 25, I'll own five Shuppa Shops.

Husband, baby. By the time I'm you're age,

I'll have two babies, six Shuppa Shops.

What I'm sayin', Frank, is that I've got my life sorted.

I don't need a musician wasting my time,

some flake who never turns up.

If you want the job here, you better be committed.

-I'm not a musician anymore, Zoe.

I'm a grown up now.

A loser. Like him.

-There's a spot at the deli counter I need filled today.

I'll take ya on one condition.

Doofus has to vouch for ya. -I vouch for him.

Frank's my best friend and he's changing his life.

-Welcome to Shuppa Shop. You start immediately.

-(sighs) You won't regret it, Miss Zoe.

Can I start tomorrow?

It's my birthday today.

Doofus! -(indistinct shouting)

Bollocks!

More bread!

-Ahh!

-Here you go.

Jesus Christ, this is horrible!

-MARY: Here's to Frank, everybody.

And his first day of work. His first ever day of work.

-Hey!

-Three hour shift. I'm tellin' ya. Mental.

Where's Aine? I texted her.

-Maybe she's not into company men.

-What did you do today, Liam, while I was at work?

Did you stay in bed all day?

-I was working on my fingering.

-(laughs) -You are unbelievable.

-No, my tin whistle.

Wanna hear?

-Liam's very talented, Frank. Unlike some.

-There's no music in the bar, Liam.

-Who's gonna stop me?

Ah-aon, do, tri... -(plays whistle)

-Fuck sake, Liam. -Sorry, Paul.

-(snickers) -Be nice, Frank.

You could learn a lot from this man.

And not just about fingering.

Hey. Let him give you a driving lesson tomorrow morning.

How about that? -I'm happy to teach him to drive,

but I don't think Frank is quite there yet.

-It's no problem for me, Liam, I'm a grown up now.

I'd be delighted. Thank you. -MARY: Well, that's fab.

Now, let's have some birthday scoops,

and stop being cunts to each other.

-Fine. Here's to drinking. And driving.

(glasses clink)

♪♪

-Ahh. (belches)

♪♪

-FRANK: Even his car is pathetic.

I'm so hungover.

Why are we doin' this at a roundabout?

-It's the best place for a first lesson.

The roundabout, it's just circles, isn't it?

Right. Clutch down, turn key.

(car starts)

-Wahey! -(Doofus chuckles)

-Okay, now, everything you want to know about driving

comes down to one simple acronym.

S-P-E-E-D.

-Speed.

-That's right. So, S is for signal--

-Mm. -So you want to signal before you do anything else.

So signal there. -Yeah, you have to signal, Frank.

-(turn signal clicking) -Okay, good.

P is for parking break.

Make sure your parking break is on.

Or off, depending on the situation.

It's always either one or the other,

but it's vitally important that it's the correct one.

Okay, is that clear? -Yeah, which one--

-E is for everything.

Some people would say check this mirror,

check that, that's nonsense.

You're better off just observing everything at all times,

and that way-- Yeah? Right.

Eh, second E-- second E is, yeah,

educate yourself on the rules of the road,

eh-- eh, before you begin.

You want to do that before you do the first S

which is signal,

which you want to do before anything else,

but the first thing you want to do before all that

is educate yourself on the rules of the road.

Okay? Is that clear?

And then lastly, D is for drive.

Yeah? Just drive.

Any questions?

-You don't know how to drive, do you?

(turn signal clicking)

Who's car is this?

-Hello. -Who are you?

-I'm Caoimhin. Caoimhin's my name.

-What are you doing here?

-I'm Liam's best friend,

so I help him out from time to time.

Drive him around. Moral support.

Big him up, you know? Whatever he needs.

-That's pathetic.

-Normally, when he's with Mary, I get a little break.

-Shut up, Caoimhin.

-Okey dokey.

-Drive us for pints.

-Okey dokey.

♪♪

-Now...

-You're not havin' a pint?

-Oh, I try to steer clear.

The old ticker's not great.

Apparently, my stress levels are

catastrophically high for some reason.

-(spitting) That's corked!

Get me another one, will ya?

And don't pay for it. -Yeah. No, yeah.

-What sort of a chump can't drive at 63?

-It's not that bad.

You may not be able to drive but you're back with Mary.

-Yeah.

-And you have a job. Right?

-Yeah. I have my music.

-(chuckles)

-(whimpering) -Please don't cry.

-(whimpering)

-(whispers) What should we do?

-Intervention?

-(sobbing)

-Why don't you get a job, like Frank?

(sobbing loudly)

-Oh. Okay, forget it. Let's go for a pint.

-No, Mam.

-"The film 'Memento' stars Guy Pearce as--"

-Can't get a job. I can't get a job.

I don't have skills. I don't-- Very trapped here.

I feel very trapped. -It's okay, Liam.

Okay, Liam, you're not trapped.

I'm here. -(breathing heavily)

-I'm here. Good. (blowing) Good.

-Ahh. -Doofus, I have an idea.

-Not ham. With cheese, please.

-What do you want? -Bread! I need bread!

-You get bread. -Can't make sandwiches without bread.

-You have any sourdough?

-Help! -FRANK: Somebody!

-Help! Help! Help!

That was a bit much. Jesus Christ!

-Wait'll you do a lunch.

-It gets worse? -I don't like it either, Liam.

But we need to show the women in our lives

that we're capable of change.

It's the only hope they have. -(car horn honks)

-Oh! Speak of the devil. -Aine.

-No.

-First day. -ALL: Woo!

-Proud of you, Liam.

-ZOE: Sorry to interrupt the circle jerk.

(cork pops)

Doofus, you'll set the alarm?

-Yes, Zoe. -Yes, Miss Zoe.

-Yes, Miss-- Uh, sorry. Yeah.

-No alcohol on the premises, miss.

-Oh.

-ZOE: I'm trusting you, Doofus.

-Congratulations, everybody!

-Why don't I give you boys a lift in tomorrow?

-Why don't you cycle in? Up that independence, Frank.

-I'll take the lift. -Why?

'Cause you don't have a bike?

Come outside. I have a surprise for ya.

-Is it a bike?

-AINE'S VOICE: Hi, this is Aine.

Please leave a message and I'll get back to ya.

(beep)

-Hey, Aine. Look.

I know it's been bad between us lately.

I'm sorry.

But I've made some changes and...

maybe it's not too late.

Yeah, if you could drop your plans and--

and see me, that would be great.

-I just-- No, honestly, it's ni-- I--

It's-- It's lovely, like I'm sayin' it's lovely--

-Am I putting too much pressure on ya?

-(chuckles) -Oh, I'm sorry.

We can take it back. -No, no--

-We'll take it back. We'll take it back.

-No, no, no, I just can't do it, okay?

All right? -Can't do what?

-I just can't fuckin'-- I-- Cycle. Okay?

-Oh, my God. -Jesus Christ.

-Oh. Frank. -Me?

(traffic noise)

-Why are we at the roundabout?

-It just felt right.

When you're learning to cycle,

all you need to do is remember a simple acronym.

Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain.

R stand for red. O stands for orange.

Y stands for yellow. Shit, that's rainbows.

-You don't know how to cycle, do ya?

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-Maybe the roundabout's not a good idea.

-Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.

-Come on, lads. Let's go! Momentum is everything!

Eyes straight ahead. -Shut up, Mam, will ya?

-Shut the fuck up. Listen to me.

Look at me. We got this.

We got this. Go.

-Let's go, boys! -Let's go, boys.

-Ahh! -Go on, lads!

Go on, lads!

(grunting)

-Fuck! I'm caught in me cycle!

Help! -Shit!

(horn honks)

-Liam! -(horn honks)

-Liam! -Keep goin'.

Keep goin', Frank!

-(horn honks) -I'm doin' it!

I'm doin' it!

-Oh! He's doin' it. He's doin' it.

-Look, Mam. I'm out of the cycle!

I'm cycling! -(horn honks)

-I'm out of the loop!

I'm on a roundabout! -(cheering)

♪♪

-DOOFUS: Liam and Mary seem pretty happy.

-(scoffs) That's just a phase.

Liam always comes back to his friend.

-Listen to me. Shh, shh, shh.

-Is it Aine?

-She won't return my calls.

-AINE: Frank.

-Where have you been? -Doofus called me.

Told me everything.

I am so proud of you, Frank.

No. No, Frank, you were right.

I need to break my cycle, too.

-Are you two goin' out again?

-No, Doofus, we're just friends.

-Best friends.

-MARY: Hey. We're out of booze!

Where next? -I know a place.

-DOOFUS: No, no, no, no, no! -(overlapping dialog)

No, no! This is a terrible idea.

Zoe trusted me, okay? -Pussy!

-(laughing) -No, no, he's right.

In fairness, it's a little irresponsible.

I think maybe we should-- -Caoimhin's a fuckin' pussy, everybody.

Let's wreck the gaff! -(whooping)

♪ There was old man called Michael Finnegan ♪

♪ He grew whiskers on his chinnigan ♪

-(screaming)

♪ Poor old Michael Finnegan, begin again ♪

♪ Poor old man called Michael Finnegan ♪

♪ He grew whiskers on his chinnigan ♪

♪ The wind came out and blew them in again ♪

♪ Poor old Michael-- ♪

-Fuck off, Caoimhin, will ya?

♪ There was an old man called Michael Finnegan ♪

♪ He grew whiskers on his chinnigan ♪

♪ The wind came out and blew them in again ♪

♪ Poor old Michael Finnegan, begin again ♪

(laughing)

-Can I sing a song?

(indistinct chatter)

-A bit of order, everybody.

Okay, hey.

I wanna say something here.

I've been a wild rover for many's a year.

I've spent all my money.

That's it.

That's the end of the sentence.

I don't have any money left,

but thanks to you people,

I know that all I really need...

is my lady.

My job.

And my tricycle.

My roving days are over.

So, Mary...

answer me this.

Will you marry me?

(gasping)

-Yes.

-(all exclaiming)

-Oh. Oh, I wish I had a ring.

-Hang on.

-Ooh.

It's perfect.

-Hey! -Yay!

-What-- What-- What's going on here?

-Liam asked Mary to marry him.

Our men are movin' on.

-(scoffs) No, they're not.

Liam, what's going on?

-Hey! What the fuck happened in here?

-Zoe, I-- I can explain. -No, you can't.

-No, I can't. -Liam, please don't ignore me.

Look at me. -You vouched for these morons, Doofus.

This is on your head. You're fired.

-No. No! -Look at me, Liam.

-Caoimhin, stop interrupting.

-Please, Zoe, I'll do anything. Please don't fire me.

-Look at me, Liam, look at me!

I will not be ignored anymore!

I have one thing, one thing to say to you.

(clattering)

-Does anybody know what to do?

-Intervention? -ZOE: I'll call an ambulance.

Assbrains.

-Oh...

-I hate the idea of him wakin' up on his own.

♪♪

-Am I really fired? -Of course you are.

-Zoe, this isn't Doofus' fault.

He vouched for me but, well...

I vouched for Liam, so it's his fault.

-Yeah. Yeah, it's my fault.

-Go home, Zoe. Come back in the morning,

I promise you, we'll have this place spick and span.

Fire me and Liam, but for God's sake,

let Doofus keep his job.

-(sighs) Fine.

If it's good as new, I'll think about it,

but I never want to see you two here again.

-I promise.

-(exhales) Oh--

Oh, thank you, Frank.

-(chuckles) Oh, you're welcome, buddy.

Looks like you got some cleanin' up to do.

-Oh...

♪♪

-Let's get you home, Liamo. For good.

You comin', Frank?

-Two secs.

-Goodnight, Frank.

-Goodnight, best friend.

Nope. Fine.

♪♪

(creaking)

-Hey, Frank. I'm just, um--

-Those are my underpants.

-I'm a wild rover, Frank.

-You're an arsehole.

Did you tell Mam or are you just creepin' out?

(car approaches)

(horn honks)

-Sorry, Frank, I'm just--

I'm not ready.

-Are you eating the ring?

-I am, yeah.

(door opens, closes)

♪♪

(knocking)

-Come in, darlin'.

-Liam... -I know.

-So, what's the plan? Ride a load of young ones

'til you feel better about yourself?

-(chuckles) Think I'll give up riding for a while.

Don't end up like him, Frank.

He's a fuckin' moron.

(doorbell rings)

-Pokemon.

What's wrong?

You look upset.

And a tad horny.

-So do you.

-Yeah.

Liam skedaddled again.

-Arsehole. -Yeah.

-I just found out that, um...

my grandma, she, uh--

she died today.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Can I come in?

-I don't think that's--

You sure? -Yes.

No. -No.

-Yes. -Yes?

No. -No.

-Poor old Sandra Finnegan, right?

-(chuckles)

♪♪

♪ I don't have plans and schemes ♪

♪ And I don't have ♪

-Fuck.

♪ Hopes and dreams ♪

-MARY: I cannot believe you did it again.

-Mam.

-Aine's so boring.

♪ Since I don't have you ♪

♪ I don't have fond desires ♪

♪ And I don't have happy hours ♪

♪ I don't have anything... ♪