Original subtitles

♪♪

-Have you been playing that stupid game all night again?

-Me and Doofus were watching "Home Alone."

I needed a wind down.

-You're addicted to that bloody thing.

-Yeah. Bring us a blanket, will ya?

-No. Jan's here in two minutes.

-Who's Jan?

-She's evaluating the house.

We've a viewing tomorrow. I told you.

-Are you serious? -I told you.

If this works out, I'm going to make an offer on that place in Wicklow.

Things could move very fast. Would you get up?

-I'm not-- I'm not movin' to Wicklow.

-Frank-- -No. I'd have to break up with Doofus.

Long distance friendships never work.

-You're not coming with me, Frank. We talked about this.

You said you were happy to move out on your own.

-I was in denial, Mam.

-You have to find your own place to live, Frank.

-Mam-- -Frank.

-Please don't leave me. -It's not up to me.

It's-- Why are you doing that face?

-Oh, Frank.

Oh, me little munchkin.

Course you can-- Fuck it!

No. You are moving. -(doorbell rings)

Shit. She's here. Grab your keys

and keep out of the house for the day. Please.

♪♪

-Actually, not a terrible house.

People like a blank canvas.

Though if you de-clutter it a bit before the morning,

that would help.

(clattering)

-How's that, Jan? You piece of shit.

-I'll box some stuff up later.

Don't forget your keys, Frank.

-This is my house. I have to defend it.

-It's not your house, Frankie.

-I don't know what you're so smug about,

you're going to be homeless, too.

-No, I stay with Mary.

In, uh, Wicklow. No?

-You said it was a one-bedroom. -It is.

-Why are you taking him and not your son?

-There are things that Stephane can give me.

Things that you couldn't.

-I could try. -No, Frankie.

-No.

-You know what also helps?

The smell of freshly baked bread.

-Oh. -Or biscuits.

-Oh, this is bullshit!

Mam, are you actually doin' this?

I hope I never see any of you jerks again!

-(clattering) -Ooh!

-Clutter!

-Well, then.

♪♪

(knocking)

-Frank. You here to see the room?

-God help me, I am.

Doofus, this is your room.

-I know. We'd be roomies.

-(sighs)

-No, silly. That's where my brother sleeps.

You're in with me, buster.

How's that?

-I don't know, Doofus. What if I'm with a lady?

-I don't mind watching.

-No, I don't think this is gonna work.

I mean, nobody should have to live here, let alone me.

-Okay, well, can you make a decision quick?

-Why? Do you have another viewing for

the shittest room in the world?

-No. I have a date.

-A date? -With Nicola.

We're doing coffee. She told me to dress up,

so I got my tracky dry cleaned again.

Better get ready, actually.

Oh!

Ah, look at this.

Ooh. What do you think? -Honestly?

She's gonna think you're an idiot if you show up in that.

This isn't football practice, Doofus.

It's men's business. What else you got?

-It's just the same except dirtier.

What am I gonna do? -If I get you a proper outfit,

will you find me a place to stay if Mary kicks me out?

-Of course I will.

Thank you, Frankie.

We could top and tail if you prefer.

-There's no way I'm staying here.

♪♪

Oh. The plastic keeps it clean

but it makes you sweat, doesn't it?

-I just can't believe Mary would want to sell this.

Although, she shouldn't hang Stephane's jocks

in the front garden, that's a tad unsightly.

Let's get you all dolled up for your date, big guy.

Bollocks! -What?

-Left my keys inside. -What?

-Ah, Mary's out, Stephane's probably at college.

-(knocking) -I-- I can't be late. Is there a spare key?

-Think Aine might have one at her house.

-She's too far away.

-Oh! I think Mam leaves one under the gnomes.

-(grunting) Which one?

-I don't know.

-(sighs)

-Must have got that wrong. -Fuck! My date!

-Would you calm down? -I can't calm down!

I need some cool threads. (panting)

-(breathes deeply) I'm glad we're doing this.

-Yeah. Me too.

-FRANK: Me too.

Glad we could make this happen.

-Frank, do you think me and Doofus

might have some time?

Just the two of us?

-Why? It's not like you're gonna shift him.

It's lunchtime.

(scoffs) There's literally nothing for me to do out there.

Fine. Doofus, I'm off,

even though I've nowhere to go, basically.

You okay with that?

-(door opens, closes)

-You look like Ricky Martin.

-The tennis player?

(knocking)

-Hi, Frank. It's good to see you.

It's been such a horrible day.

-Do you have a spare key to my gaff?

-Me and Peter-Brian keep fightin' about the wedding.

I'm afraid we--

You and I never fought. Did we, Frank?

-Aine, relationships are tough.

I'll--

Let me tell you something that I told Doofus earlier today.

I need a spare key from Aine so I can get into my house.

-Ugh! What's Frank doing here?

-Oh, don't take it out on Frank because you're hungover.

-(mocking) Don't take it out on Frank 'cause you're hungover.

-Where's the key, Aine? -I need a drink.

-The last thing you need is a fuckin' drink.

-You are such a drag.

-Where's the key, Aine?

-I don't have to deal with this shit, I'm a fuckin' doctor.

-Oh, I know you're a fuckin' doctor.

You tell me 25 times a day.

-(mocking) You tell me 25 times a day.

-Aine, where's the key? -Outside under a flower pot.

-Thank you.

-I don't know if I've got a migraine or if it's just you.

-Oh, I'll give you a migraine, you posh prick.

-(objects breaking)

-Frank, it's the last one.

Frank, it's the last one!

-Ah, the fuckin'--

-It's the last one, Frank.

-It was the last one.

-(sighs) Can I come with you?

-Nope. Toodles.

-What the fuck!

♪♪

-(sighs) Home, sweet home.

♪♪

Mam!

-(lock clicking)

-Frank. You said you'd stay out for the day.

-Why's all our stuff packed away?

-Jan says it's clutter. -Clutter? That's my life!

My communion photo. My dollar bill from America.

My video games! -Frank, I'm selling the house.

That's all there is to it. -It's my house, too.

-It's not. You need to leave.

What are you doin' with those? Don't you dare!

-(door slams, lock clicks) -Frank! Open the door.

-Not bloody likely. -Open the fuckin' door.

-No! Today I saw what life is like outside this home,

and it was the most stressful

two or three hours I've ever had to live.

I was homeless, basically.

Well, I'm back home now,

and no fancy estate agent's gonna tell me any different.

-Don't touch anything in there or I will kill you.

-Call off the viewing, Mam.

Let me stay, I'm only in my early 30s.

-Open the fucking door!

-If you don't call off the viewing,

I have no choice but to excommunicate you forever.

I'll stay here all night, Mam. The viewing's not happening.

-Aine and Peter-Brian have a key.

I'm gonna go and get it.

And then I'm gonna come back here,

and I'm gonna kick the livin' shit out of ya.

-Fine! Go get it.

I'm quaking in my little boots here.

-Don't mess up my house!

-Okay.

The Marron estate is in lockdown.

No one gets in or out, this is it.

Don't be scared. -AINE: Frank.

-Ahh!

-I called off the wedding, Frank.

Can I stay here for a while?

♪♪

♪♪

-Shouldn't you be doin' somethin'?

-Huh?

Once Mary realizes I have the key,

she'll be forced to negotiate.

Until then, the house is mine.

Would you slow down?

I'm trying to beat my high score here.

-Peter-Brian will come around.

He just needed a wake up call.

He kept...

undermining me, you know?

Doesn't listen to me.

-Mm.

-I mean, he called me boring.

(chuckles)

I'm not boring, am I, Frank?

I'm not boring, am I, Frank?

-Ah, come on, it's your guitar solo comin' up.

♪♪

-MALE VOICE: Game over. Solo too boring.

(ring tone plays)

-Oh, it's Mary.

-You're not gonna answer?

-Nah. Keep her sweating. I mean, what's she gonna do?

This place is more secure than Fort Knox.

-Hello! -(gasping)

-Stephane. How in blue blazes did you get in?

-I'm here all day. I sleep.

-Bloody students.

-Where is, uh, Mary?

-(pounding) -(gasping)

-Oh, good God.

There's no way in, Mary.

Doors and windows locked, so just... back off.

Cancel the viewing and we can negotiate.

-It's me, Frank. -Goddamnit.

Doofus, I texted an hour ago.

What's she doing here?

-He said we were going to a party.

Where is everyone?

-The guests are inside. Come in, quick.

-Ah, fuck that. It's fuckin' weird.

I'm outta here. -STEPHANE: Frankie.

I beat your high score.

Oh. Hey, Doofus.

Nice clothes.

♪♪

-(speaks French)

-Gracias.

-I can't stay all night, Frank.

I want to help. My date, it's--

It's goin' shit.

-Did you not bring her to the 7-D experience?

-I did, she flippin' hated it.

-What? Was the bubble machine broken?

-No. -Did her 3D goggles get misty?

-No, I-- I think she just hated it.

(ring tone plays)

-Mary again.

Christ, Doofus, I'm gonna have to pull rank here.

She's gonna be back at any second,

need all the help I can get.

Aine's fuckin' useless. -I know but--

-Nicola, please! -What?

-Look, I appreciate you wanna have some fun,

but for God's sake, just step away from the drums.

-What are you talkin' about?

-Look, I don't mean it in a sexist way,

but I just don't think women are very good drummers.

And you're bashin' away there like--

-Ohhh! -Oh, come on, Frank.

-Yeah, that's pretty sexist, Frank.

-No, look. I mean, if you were in a burning building,

who would you want carrying you to safety,

a man or a woman?

Same thing with drummers.

What are you doin'?

(grunting) This proves nothing.

-(cell phone rings) -Oh. It's Mary.

-Don't answer that! -Hi, Mary, you're on speaker.

-Hi, Mam.

-MARY: You already had the key. Clever.

-I'm sorry, I had no choice.

-MARY: You crossed the line today, Frank.

-I can't leave, Mam. Okay?

I've no skills. I'm not Ray Mears.

Cancel the viewing.

Let's take a couple of years to-- to talk this through.

-MARY: No, Frank. I'm coming back. Now.

-What are you gonna do?

-MARY: I think I'm gonna kill ya, Frank.

-Doofus, we need to beef up security.

-Hey, uh, Stephane has a real guitar upstairs,

and, yeah, he's gonna show me how to work it.

-Okay. Yeah. Great. Love to hear some tunes.

-No. Doofus. I need you down here.

-Yeah. Doofus, you stay down there with Frank.

-No, but-- -Doofus, stay!

-Is Mary comin' back? -Jesus!

Ohh. Sorry, I keep forgettin' you're here.

-What's the plan, Frank?

-This is my house. I have to defend it.

It's like "Home Alone."

♪♪

-This is brilliant.

Love to see Mary try and get in with all these in her way.

(ornaments clattering)

-I'd like to see Peter-Brian nut himself on these.

Break open that fuckin' egg head of his.

-Maybe time to switch to water.

Doofus.

What are you doin'?

-Securing the perimeter.

-You're gonna kill somebody.

You need to ease up a bit.

What else you done?

(whooshing)

Doofus, are you okay?

-I'm sure she'll be down soon.

We might go to the cinema later.

-I want you to dismantle this before somebody gets hurt.

Okay?

-AINE: Frank! Frank!

Frank! -What is it?

-(groans)

-Spit it out, woman!

-I heard a noise. Outside.

-She's back, Frank.

(panting) I'm scared.

-Okay. Don't be.

Mary has no jurisdiction in this house.

She doesn't scare me one little bit.

-Frank. -(screaming)

-Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! -MARY: Open the door!

-No! Cancel the viewing! -MARY: Not a chance.

-Okay, she doesn't actually scare me.

That was just a once-- -Frank!

(screaming)

-Okay. Seems to have done it.

(pounding)

-Mary, go easy on the door.

-MARY: Frank, you're fucking dead!

-PETER-BRIAN: Look, I can't stay here all night, Mary,

am I okay taking off?

-Is that Peeber? He came for me.

-Who's that? Is that Aine?

-AINE: Yeah.

-PETER-BRIAN: What's she doin' in there?

-I-- I came here after I ran out on you.

-PETER-BRIAN: You ran out on me?

-Yeah. I told you the wedding was off.

-PETER-BRIAN: You did? Oh, right.

Sorry, I, um-- I-- I was checking my email.

I must've, uh-- I just told Mary I'd drop her off here

when she couldn't find her keys, so...

why'd you call off the wedding?

-Are you fucking serious?

-PETER-BRIAN: Aine, I have a lot on at the moment.

-No! I've had enough!

Forget the fucking wedding! We're done!

-PETER-BRIAN: Think you're overreacting.

-Shove it up your dick! -PETER-BRIAN: Aine!

Aine, you're not serious, are ya? Aine!

Is she gone? It's hard to tell sometimes.

-Mary!

PB, is Mary still out there?

-(thudding) -(gasps)

She's trying to sneak in upstairs.

Clever girl.

(creaking)

(loud thud)

-You investigate. I'll provide back up.

-(gasps) -NICOLA: Turn that off!

-Okay. -(switch clicks)

-STEPHANE: Close the door, please.

-Okay.

-Doofus, no. No. Don't, Doofus, no, no.

-(cell phone rings) -(gasps)

Hi, Peebs, what is it?

-Aine, I've-- I've been thinking about what you said,

and... you're right, I do take you for granted,

and I-- I haven't been listening to you.

-Thank you for saying that.

Maybe we can work on it and--

-PETER-BRIAN: Whenever you're ready to move your stuff out,

it's fine with me, there's no rush.

Take 'til the end of the week, okay?

-No. Wait-- -PETER-BRIAN: Thank you. Bye-bye.

-Don't-- Don't go. Peebs.

(phone line clicks, beeps)

-Was that Peter-Brian?

-STEPHANE: Doofus, are you still in here?

-DOOFUS: No. -NICOLA: Get out!

-DOOFUS: Okay.

They were top and tailing, Frank.

-(speaks French)

-Where you goin'? Huh?

-Frank-- (muttering) -No, Doofus.

-Don't flake out on me now, I need you.

-I-- I need to go

and talk to Peter-Brian face to face, Frank.

-I need you to stay. Both of you.

We could have our own little family right here.

I'm the dad.

Doofus, you're my son.

Aine, you could be my...

-Wife? -...mother.

-Frank, I don't know. I--

-I don't think that I can, Frank.

-MARY: Frank, the front door's locked.

Where's the goddamn key?

-Could everyone just stay put for one fucking second?!

I need to think.

(pounding)

-Mammy, stop! Stop. I'm ready to talk.

-Go fuck yourself, Frank.

-Mam, the language.

-Just stand back. I'm coming in.

Oh! Ahh, screw it!

I can't do this anymore, Frank.

I just can't do it.

-Mammy, is your hand okay.

-Don't "Mammy" me

-Aine, do something, the woman's hurt.

-Frank, it's over.

I need to get my life back together.

-Doofus. -Me, too, Frank.

I-- I think my girlfriend's having an affair.

-Mam, I'm sorry. I'm actually sorry.

I'll come out now,

just give me two secs to say goodbye.

What an artist the world is losing in me.

-Wait, Frank, no, no, no, no.

(whooshing)

-(screaming)

-(screaming)

(smoke alarm beeping)

-(screaming)

(clamoring)

-(coughing)

-Wait. Where's Aine?

-She's still in there. -Jesus, yeah!

-Well, someone should go in. -Yes, someone better go in.

-Why don't you go in?

-But technically, we're on a break so...

do you wanna go in?

-Eh-- -I just don't think it would be appropriate--

-Someone better go in.

-Oh--

Aine!

-Oh, hey!

Did you hear all that?

-(coughing) Aine!

Aine! (coughing)

Aine, give me one sec. (coughing)

-(indistinct yelling)

-Aine, I'll be one second. Bear with me, babes.

(coughing, gasping) Aine.

(gasping, coughing)

(coughing)

-Frank! Frank!

(coughing)

Frank! Frank!

Frank! Frank! (coughing)

Come on. Frank, come on.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(coughing) Okay.

(straining)

(grunts)

(panting)

(straining, coughing)

(grunting)

(thud)

(coughing)

-Aine.

-Frank. Are you okay?

-I'm sorry, Mam.

I couldn't stop their mad schemes.

Doofus set a blowtorch trap. The rest of 'em helped.

You can have the viewing tomorrow,

you have my blessing. -The viewing's fucked.

As well you know.

-(coughing)

-Well, somethin' to tell the grandkids about anyway.

-Oh, get away from me, you fuckin' nerd.

-Look, are you my girlfriend or not?

-No.

-Are you his girlfriend? -Doofus.

I need my clothes now.

-Thank God you're okay.

-It's over. -Good.

You look amazing.

Shall I call the fire brigade?

-No, Peebers. Let it burn.

Let it burn.

-What are you talkin' about?

Call the fire brigade, for fuck sake!

♪ I ran all the way home ♪

♪ Just to say I'm sorry ♪

♪ What can I say ♪

♪ I ran all the way ♪

♪ Yay, yay, yay ♪

♪ I ran all the way home ♪

♪ Just to say I'm sorry ♪