Original subtitles

♪♪

(crowd clamoring)

-Would you stop?

Frank! What are you...

-What's this? -You know what it is.

Padraig asked the two of us to write the music months ago,

but you said am-dram was beneath you

and you wouldn't be caught dead working on this shit--

-You did it without me?

-Yeah. I've written the whole score.

We've been rehearsing for a month, and I love it.

I'm really blossoming on my own.

-You're not gonna blossom without me.

-I want in. -I appreciate the offer, Frank,

but I have to be firm here.

You have a tendency to take over.

-Doofus, I'm in.

(crowd cheering, applauding)

(cheering, applause continue)

-MAN: Maestro! Maestro!

Well done, Doofus and Maelbhina!

What a wonderful way to finish a final rehearsal!

Fantastique!

Okay, everyone, gather round! Gather round!

-Frank! Frank!

My song went great.

Hey, is Nicola here? Did she see it?

-PADRAIG: Ladies! Here we are, two hours to opening,

and I have to say, after all my years

running the Am-Dram Society,

I have never been more inspired.

And tonight, for one night only,

it all pays off.

I think you all deserve a round of applause. Everyone!

And I think it's important to mention

that this is an all-female production.

I was vehemently opposed to the idea at first,

but after seeing how hard you all worked,

and how you've maintained such emotional composure,

I have to say I really came around.

So I think I deserve a round of applause too!

I'd like to thank Nicola for her enthusiastic work

as stunt coordinator. Is she here?

-I'm here, yeah. Sorry I'm late.

-I'd like to give a special thank you

to our two musical maestros

who've given us such wonderful musique,

especially that closing number, Doofus.

Mwah!

Oh! I believe our star wants a word.

-Thank you, Padraig. You know, when I played

the Gaeity in the nineties,

the notion of women having a real voice in theater

seemed like a distant dre-- -Sorry, Maelbhina,

-I think Frank, eh-- -Thanks, Padraig.

Just regarding the music, I just wanted to say...

Doofus wrote one song, and you all seem very high on it...

but what about the other 11, yeah?

-Oh, Frank, all the songs are good.

-Well, I don't know. Some of Frank's songs are...

-What, Bernie?

-Well, the show is based on "Twelve Angry Men."

I don't see how a song called

"Fruits of the Forest" fits in, for example.

-It's a metaphor. -For what?

-The carnal imagery in "Fruits of the Forest"

represents the animal intensity of the main characters.

Jack Nicholson foaming at the mouth.

Tom Cruise not taking no for an answer.

-Hang on. Is that "A Few Good Men"?

-Eleven songs is a lot to get through, that's all I'm saying.

-Bernie, if we want to be throwing accusations around the place,

I saw you earlier at the snack stand.

Now, if you want a piece of fruit, go right ahead,

but you don't have to maul every fucking apple in the bowl.

-I was only looking for a soft one.

-Well, I don't know where your hands have been, all right?

It's not nice to be criticized, is it, Bernie?

So back the fuck off. Sorry.

Okay, quickly on to stunts, and then we'll break.

Nicola, over to you, and please be careful.

-FRANK: Listen, P, about Doofus's song...

-Oh! Directing women...

-is like herding cats, Frank. -Padraig!

-And action! -He said 20 seconds.

-He said 15.

-I'm telling you, he said 20 seconds! -That's enough!

-Ow! -Oh!

-These stunts make no sense.

-They're the best thing in the play.

-You're only saying that 'cause you want Nicola to kiss your willy.

-(screams)

-Oh, fuck!

-Oh, my hip! I'm down!

-Oh, for the love of God!

That's the fourth juror we've lost since Tuesday!

-She was supposed to go limp! -We open in less than an hour,

we can't keep losing people.

Shit. I'm gonna have to cut some of the action scenes.

-DOOFUS: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you saying, Padraig?

That women can't do action?

-That's not what I'm saying at all!

But obviously Bernie here

can't do a simple flip.

-Don't fight my battles, Doofus.

-No, I just-- I just like your work, that's all.

Did you hear my song earlier?

-No. I'm looking forward to it, though, I hear it's good.

-Nicola, Nicola, Nicola, please.

I love all the action stuff.

But the name of the show is "Twelve Angry Women,"

and we're down to eight.

Now, hopefully I can bunch them all together onstage

and they won't notice the lack of numbers,

but there's nine speaking parts.

We're running out of options here.

-Dad? I could switch to Bernie's part.

That way I'd have a song. And I've basically been cut

from everything else, so...

-Right.

Elaine, I love what you're doing,

but I'm gonna have to get you to do Bernie's part, okay?

We'll cut the stenographer.

Right, let's take it up with the flip.

Nicola, wait!

Doofus, do you mind?

Just once, to make sure it's safe.

-Of course it's safe.

-You loose? -Loose as a goose.

-Yeah, I'm gonna grab your arm, okay?

-Okay. -Are you with me?

-I'm with you forever, Nicola.

-You just need to go limp. It doesn't hurt if you go limp

-Limp as a wimp.

-Okay? -Yeah.

(grunts, screams)

(crowd gasps)

(gasping)

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

-Did you go limp? -Yeah!

-Are you sure? 'Cause Elaine's up next.

If you're hurt, you need to say so now.

-I'm fine. -Right. Get Elaine in.

-Elaine! -(Doofus groaning)

-FRANK: Hey, Padraig.

It's the closing number.

Let's just cut it, yeah?

-I don't think Doofus will mind. -Go limp.

-No way, Frank. Doofus's song is the best thing in the play.

-What are you talking about?

-(Elaine screams) -(body thuds)

-Oh, God damn it.

She's down too, isn't she?

-ELAINE: Frankie! -Aine!

We need you. Call Peter-Brian.

Tell him we need to patch up some more of the jurors.

Everyone else, take ten.

-Hey, Maelbhina. How you doing?

-Well, I was in the Gaiety once, and now I'm here.

-What does that tell you? -Your star has fallen?

Listen, I was just saying to Padraig,

and I think he agrees,

let's cut that last number, right?

-It's not exactly in keeping-- -Frank!

Doofus' song is the only good thing in this whole,

horrible mess.

Forget the bullshit.

Forget the other shitty songs.

That piece is the reason I came back to musical theater.

-But I wrote way more songs than him,

-and he's gonna get all the credit! -He should.

Half your songs are about the wrong movie,

and the rest are clearly your old songs that you repurposed.

Four of them are about counties in Ireland!

-"Livin' La Vida Carlow"

was written specifically for the piece.

It's a metaphor for Tom Cruise's clash

with corruption in the military.

-I'm gonna sing Doofus' song,

and it's gonna be the only thing people remember.

Get used to it.

-Is she gonna be okay?

-She's 79 and her ribs are fucked.

-Nicola! No more stunt rehearsals.

Just wait'll you're onstage. -What about the chair shots?

It's not safe not to rehearse the chair shots.

-Fine. Rehearse the chair shots, but please be careful.

-Of course. -How's it going?

-Oh, it's a disaster. Bernie's out.

Elaine here is in bits.

And I've no one to cover their parts.

Wait. Unless...

Call Mary. Tell her if she learns the lines, she's in.

But she has to be here in an hour!

Let's get her out of sight.

-Hey, Doofus.

I was just talking to Melvs and Padraig.

I think the general consensus is

do one of my songs to close the show. Whaddaya think?

-But it's the only one of my songs left.

-You replaced all the others. -Did I?

-Yeah. Anyway, I--

-I want Nicola to hear it. -Nicola?

-I know she's out of my league, Frank,

but.. everybody else likes my song.

If she hears it, and she thinks it's good...

you never know.

-Your song it is.

-Yeah! -I hope she likes it.

-Thanks, Frank! Hey, Nicola.

They're still gonna do my song at the end.

-NICOLA: Oh, that's great!

(crowd clamoring)

-There's queues of people outside!

It's a sellout!

-Have you the lines?

-Oh, forget the lines.

Gotta give the people what they want.

-Please, Mary, no vag this time. Last year--

-The show was "Mary Poppins," Padraig.

There was bound to be some improv.

-Okay, everyone? Ready to rehearse the chair shots?

I'm gonna smack you with these fake chairs, okay?

-WOMAN: Will it hurt? -NICOLA: Only if you're a pussy.

-How are you, Bernie? -I can't walk.

-Look, as you can see,

we're under quite a bit of pressure.

I wonder if you could do me a teeny-weeny favor.

Stop rubbing your grubby mits over every piece of fruit!

I have it up to here, Bernie! Up to here!

-I'm sorry.

-NICOLA: Ready? -Sure.

-Just remember, take it on the back, you'll be fine.

AINE: You a Yankees fan?

-No, Baltimore! -Baltimore?

That's like being hit in the head

with a crowbar once a day!

-(all laughing) -♪♪ (piano)

-Hey!

-Ow! -♪ Been there, Donegal ♪

♪ Lots of lovely place-- ♪

(grunts)

(body thuds)

-(gasps) -(screams)

-Somebody switched the chair. -What are we gonna do?

-Somebody switched the chair. -We have to let them in.

-Who switched the chair? -It doesn't matter, Nicola.

-It doesn't matter. -Who's gonna play her part?

-Aine, drag her backstage, will you?

Stick her in with Elaine.

We need to start the show. What are we going to do?

-Do you want me to take Maelbhina's part?

-You're already taking Bernie's part!

-Dad, I know Maelbhina's lines, and Doofus' songs.

-I know the whole parts. -Please don't let her do it.

Oh, Aine, there's a lot riding on that song. No offense, darling.

-What are you still doing back here? -I was looking after Maelbhina.

-Any chance she'll... -No.

-We need to figure out who switched that chair.

-Aine's the one who's been

stepping over Maelbhina's body to steal the closing number.

-Maybe it was her? -AINE: Fuck you, Mary.

-Where were you just before the accident?

-Nicola, you've been injuring people all week.

Why don't you take some responsibility?

-Maybe we should do one of my songs instead.

-No, Frank! -Look, I don't care who did it.

We need to start the show, we need to get someone

to play Maelbhina's part, and that's that.

There's only one option.

Aine...

Give me your wig. I'll play the part.

We'll sort something out for the song by the end of the show.

-Women of the jury,

you've listened to a long and complex case.

You have a grave responsibility.

-What's wrong with you? -I just--

I wanted Nicola to like me.

Without Maelbhina to sing me songs--

-You'll get another girlfriend.

-I don't want another girlfriend!

I only wrote the song so Nicola'd like me.

Now who's gonna sing it? Fuckin' Aine?

-Because guilt is a terrible thing,

and it weighs heavy on the sinful.

So it falls to you twelve angr--

eight angry women to sort...

the facts from the fancy.

♪♪

♪ The facts from the fancy ♪

♪ We can't take a chancy ♪

♪ The jury's getting antsy ♪

♪♪

(sighs)

-Wake up, Maelbhina.

Hey, Maelbhina, could you wake up, please?

-"Twenty," he said!

-That's enough.

-Ow!

-Right, Mary. Flip. -Fuck that.

Elaine, you're up.

-Oh, sorry, Elaine. Go limp.

-No!

-(crowd gasps) -(body thuds)

-God damn it, Maelbhina, wake up!

I've made a terrible mistake!

(sobs)

-What's going on here?

-Have you been crying?

-Everyone's being a cunt.

-How are you enjoying the court case?

-Oh, it's good.

But I do long to return to my home town of Fermanagh.

-Right.

-♪ Fermanagh from heaven ♪

♪ Fermanagh from heaven ♪

♪ A woman cannot live upon bread that's unleavened ♪

-Look, it's terrible, but we have no choice.

Maybe we have to lose Doofus's song.

-Frank. -Huh?

-Have you something else we can use instead?

-I know someone who can sing Doofus's song.

They just need to believe in themselves.

I think Doofus should sing it.

-♪ Fermanagh, Fermanagh, Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪

♪ Fermanagh, Fermanagh ♪

-You can't give a man

the last song in an all-female production.

-Everyone deserves a chance. I think Doofus'd smash it.

-You switched the chairs, didn't you?

You were jealous. Now you feel guilty,

so you wanna give Doofus his moment.

-How dare you?

-Don't be pointing fingers. -Yeah.

I did not switch anything.

I think Doofus could do a good job.

-I could do it.

-You lack Maelbhina's sultry charm,

her easy way with her body.

Face it, Doofus is more suited to the part.

-Oh, forget Doofus!

-Put me in, Coach. -I'm telling you.

-Quiet!

-(singing in distance)

-Fuck! It's the group scene!

Quick! Places, everyone! Everyone, quick!

-Some of the script changes Padraig made are atrocious.

-Mrs. Forewoman, I'd like to change my vote.

-Not guilty -What?

Anybody else wanna change their vote?

-PADRAIG: That's women for you.

(rimshot)

-Whew! It's the first act over.

Couple of hitches, but we're still in the game.

Maelbhina hasn't magically come back to life, has she?

-No. -We need to talk about the issue at hand.

-Yeah. Who's singing the closing number?

-No, not that. Someone here hurt Maelbhina.

We don't know who. All you guys seem to be worried about

is who is gonna sing that stupid song.

-You're right. I'm singing it.

-It's literally the best part of the play, darling.

We don't wanna fuck it up. And I don't mean

anything bad by that. What time is it?

We better push on with the second act. Where's Mary?

-Okay! Let's do this.

-What are you wearing?

-It's military. -It's Juror 6's big number.

It's a serious moment--

"We Follow Orders or People Die,"

and God damn it, Frank,

I just realized that's from "A Few Good Men."

"A Few Good Women."

♪♪

-♪ Santiago ♪

♪ Private first class ♪

♪ Santiago ♪

♪ He hasn't been seen in a while ♪

-The audience is turning. -Shouldn't you be out there playing?

-I don't play live.

Doofus has my parts on his laptop.

-Dad, can you just decide who's doing the last number?

I've been doing extensive vocal training

with Peter-Brian for the past month.

-I really think I could-- -Nobody is going back on that stage

till I find out who switched that fucking chair.

And I'm looking at you, Frank.

-Nicola, you snotty little bastard.

-Frank-- -I'm not the one on trial here.

-♪ Seen in a while ♪

♪♪

-(scattered applause) -Thank you.

And with that, I shall bring in the rest of the jury.

-Two minutes. Just vamp it.

-Oh.

So...

would you like to see the song again?

-Did you switch those chairs?

-Did I order the code red on Maelbhina?

No! I did not! -Did you switch the chairs?

What do you want Nicola?

Do you want me to sleep with you again?

-Is that what you want? -Frank, I want the truth!

-You can't handle the fruit!

Bernie! How many times?

-I think I need to go to hospital.

-Well, fucking go!

-Well? -You people.

You have no idea how to protect a production.

Maelbhina's accident, while tragic,

-probably saved lives. -Did you switch the chair?

-I did the job I was hired to do. -Did you switch the chair?

-You're goddamn right I did!

-(gasps) Wha--

Frank, you piece of shit!

You took out Maelbhina.

-No, wait, Doofus!

I'm sorry!

Doofus!

(both screaming)

-You ruined my songs! -I had no choice!

-You wrecked my chances with Nicola!

Now she'll never kiss my willy!

-I was just-- -Fuck you, Frank.

The best buddies gang is over.

-The what?

-(sobs)

I hope you're happy.

(grunts)

Maelbhina!

(panting)

(soft horn honk)

(horn blasts)

-Maelbhina... -What's happening?

-You're a professional, right?

You played the Gaeity, right?

Yeah.

Let's get you ready

for the performance of your life.

-Look, we've no choice.

I'm sorry to say the closing number will be sung by Aine.

-Oh, fucking Jesus.

-Oh, God, it's fucked. -(sobbing)

-Thank you, Dad. I won't let you down.

-FRANK: Not so fast.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the incomparable Maelbhina.

-Thank Christ. Aine, you're out.

-What? -Oh, thank you, Frank.

-No need to thank me, little britches.

-Nicola, you gonna watch? -Sure, Doofus.

Let's see what all the fuss is about.

-We got a crowd to blow away, Doofus,

Now, get out there and break a leg.

-Yeah! Oh, fuck!

-Oh! -Is she good to go?

She's a professional, Peter-Brian.

-You're the best.

-Eh... Padraig... Frank?

-Ladies and gentlemen, before the closing number...

you've heard a lot of great music this evening,

but I'm not responsible

for everything you're gonna hear tonight.

Because this next song was written by my best friend,

Doofus MacGiollagán.

and he deserves full credit for it.

Now, stand up Doofus! Take a bow!

(scattered applause)

Take it away, Doofs!

Oh, careful, Maelbhina. Mind that lace.

-Huh? Oh? Oh!

(all gasping)

-Oh, shit!

-Ugh. It'll have to be Aine. Balls.

-Thanks, darling.

-Let's get this over with.

-Okay.

-Aine, Aine...

I believe in you.

-DOOFUS: Oh, for fuck's sake.

-(exhales)

(loud whisper) You-- You start!

It starts with singing!

-What's my first note?

♪♪

-(warbling) ♪ A woman's life ♪ -(fiddle note)

-No. -It's too high.

-All right. -(fiddle note)

-(atonally) ♪ A woman's life ♪

♪ Hangs in the ♪

(warbling) ♪ Balance ♪

Stop it.

Stop it. Go back to the start.

Look, Doofus, please go back to the start.

-You're fucking it up! -Please, Doofus.

(clapping)

-(popping) -Whoa!

Well, there you go.

That was...

Doofus's song.

That's the ending of the show. That's the end.

He was not guilty.

She was not guilty. Women are as good as men.

Thank you very much, everyone, good night!

-MAN: Get off the stage! -(crowd booing)

-Fuck it. -What's she doing?

(Frank grunting)

(Frank groaning)

♪♪

(applause)

♪♪ ("Dynamite Exploded" by Honey and the Bees")

-♪ Just like fire ♪

♪ Fire, fire ♪

♪ My poor heart is breaking ♪

♪ Desire, desire ♪

♪ My poor heart is in ♪

♪ Danger, girl in distress ♪

♪ Breathing in gets hard ♪

♪ Longing for you, baby ♪

♪ It's tearing me apart ♪

♪ Oh, patience is what you cause ♪

♪ Deep down in my heart ♪

♪ A big explosion ♪

♪♪ (ends)