Original subtitles

-AINE: I'm sorry.

I know it must seem very sudden.

-No, no, no, I'm delighted for you.

Delighted.

When do you...

move in to his place?

-Mmm... The end of the week.

-That's so soon. That's great.

-Part of me will always love you, Frank,

-but Peter-Brian's-- -Which part?

-Peter-Brian's a doctor. -No, which part?

-Pardon me? -Which part of you will always love me?

-Oh.

My self-loathing, probably.

-Hmm.

-I didn't mean that in a good way.

We're having a party the day I move in--

-Can I move in too? -I don't think so, no.

-Well, I just-- I guess I just always assumed

that when my mam dies it'd be you who takes care of me.

Please don't move in with him.

Please don't move in with him, Aine.

-I'm gonna leave, Frank.

-Aine?

-Yes, Frank?

-You should take out the recycling.

-Would sir like dessert?

-She's moving on, Doofus.

I'm losing her.

Just the cheesecake, please.

-MARY: And you're sure you can't move in with them?

-Mam, I asked.

-So you're definitely staying with me?

-Yeah, of course I am! -Frank...

I'm having difficulty making the house payments.

-Uh-oh. -So I'm moving my boyfriend in.

-Boyfriend? Who is it?

It's not that guy.

-Hi, guys! I'm Richard.

-Shh! Richard.

I convinced Richard to leave his wife and kids for me.

He'll be paying rent, but realistically,

I'm going to need more money--

-Whoa, Whoa! I'm paying rent?

-Richard, I'm trying to talk here.

-FRANK: I'm not paying rent, Mam.

What's the point in me doing my chores

if I give you my pocket money back as rent?

Come on.

-How many kids do you have, Richard?

-I have three kids.

-You had three kids.

(camera shutter snaps)

(chuckles)

-Look at his face. -(chuckles)

-He just keeps eating cheese.

-He's so fucking posh.

-Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that?

-No. We're not here to appreciate

Peter-Brian's house, Doofus.

We're here for dirt, proof that he's cheating on Aine.

-It doesn't look like he's cheating on Aine.

-He's a doctor.

Of course he's cheating on Aine.

All we have to do is catch him in the act.

-You still wanna do the flaming bag of dog poo

on his doorstep?

-It's a little unsophisticated,

-but yes, please. -Okay.

-Ta-da! -Jesus Christ.

-What's wrong? -Where to start?

First, it's supposed to be a paper bag.

We can't set fire to that, it's a biohazard.

-It kept seeping out through the paper bags.

-Second, why is it liquid dog poo?

-It's not liquid dog poo.

-It's not solid, that's for sure.

-No, it's not-- it's not dog poo.

-What kind of poo is it?

-It's Doofus poo.

-God, Doofus.

Give me the lighter.

-Watch out, Frank!

-Frank? -Peter-Brian.

-What are you doing here? -I was in the neighborhood,

and I wanted to say congratulations

on Aine moving in and...

-I brought you this. -What is it?

-It's from Doofus.

He's sick. It's a sample.

-Oh, right.

Well, come on in.

Leave the bag, yeah?

-No! No, Frank! Frank, no, no!

-(cawing) -(door closes)

-Wow. This is really nice.

-Yeah, thanks. Whiskey?

Aine goes mad if I touch the stuff,

but, you know, when the cat's away...

-Huh. Yeah, maybe one.

(men laughing)

-She can't dance. -She can't dance.

She thinks she can dance, but she can't dance.

-All elbows. -She says I'm a messy drunk.

-That's bullshit. You're a great drunk.

-And she won't let me listen to my podcasts

when we're going to sleep.

-Outrageous. What's a podcast?

(laughs)

-Ah. Look, she's a good girl, really,

and I don't mean that in a patronizing way.

You know, I actually think she'll be very happy here...

-Well, thanks for saying that.

What do you do for fun, Frank?

-Last week me and Doofus did the 7-D experience in town.

You sit in a cramped eight-seater room

and watch animated movies

while an Eastern European man spritzes you

with water to simulate rain.

-That's one of the dimensions. -That sounds...

-The seventh dimension is bubbles.

-You wanna know what I do for fun?

♪♪

-This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

-Yeah, I thought you might like it.

You ever bow and arrowed?

I was competitive in college.

You know, we should go to the range sometime--

-Tomorrow. What about tomorrow?

-Oh, tomorrow-- -I want to be with you.

-Sorry, was that a bit intense?

-No, I liked it.

-(chuckles) Okay.

-Till tomorrow. -Yeah. Yeah.

Okay.

-Ciao. (sighs)

-(door closes) -Frank!

-Doofus! Why are you still here?

Get out of there.

Jesus.

-You don't like him, do you, Frank?

-Who?

-You know who I mean.

-I'm just hanging with him to get dirt.

It's like Tim Roth in "Reservoir Dogs."

I mean, tonight was probably the most fun I've had with anyone in ages, but...

See, he has this knack of putting me totally at ease,

really feel I can be myself when I'm around him.

Like, I actually like myself when I'm with him.

Nothing sexual or anything. I hate him.

Why hasn't he texted?

-(phone buzzes) -(taps keyboard)

-OMG, that's a gas. -What is it?

-Nothing. Just... Peter-Brian's an awful eejit.

-Let me see! Let me see! -No!

-Ciao, guys. Excusez-moi.

-Pardon me. Who might you be?

-Oh, pardon. Me Stephane.

-I'm Frank. This is Doofus.

-Hello. -Ah, Frankie!

-We share a room, no? -I hope not.

-(chuckles) -(urine splashing)

-Why hasn't Stephane got any pubes, Frank?

He's old enough.

-Real men, we shave...

for... how you say...

aerodynamics.

Huh? (chuckles)

-Huh? -(penis slapping)

-MARY: Stephane, did you find everything?

Oh! Well, you obviously didn't find a towel!

(both laughing)

-(penis slapping) -(laughter continues)

-Stephane's a student. He's lodging here too.

Means I'll finally have the mortgage covered.

-Mary, you got anywhere I can put--

Hello. Who's this?

-Richard, come outside. We need to talk.

-Breathe.

Now draw back...

elbow raised...

focus down range.

And now, when you're ready...

release.

-(arrow strikes) -Hey!

I can't believe you finally hit one! Ha-ha!

-Whoo! Got one! -Whoo!

-Doofus! What the hell are you doing?

-Just.. gramming.

-Get the fuck off the range!

Come on. Let's go hit the spa.

-Stop looking at me like that.

-I can't help it.

-So I like him, okay?

Get over it. Get in!

-I can't. -Why not?

-I shaved my pubes, okay? -What--

(groaning)

-Keep your voice down. -Look at him.

-Just get some dirt. -Yeah, I--

You're not Tim Roth in "Reservoir Dogs," Frank.

You're Kevin Costner in "Dances With Wolves,"

seduced by the culture and lifestyle of your enemy.

You're not even trying to break up him and Aine.

-I am. Now would you please just...

-Ahh, fuck it.

That is nice.

Come on, Doofus. Sit down.

-Okay.

(wailing)

Fuck it...

(winces)

So... what's up, Peebs?

-Oh, you know, nothin' much.

-You nervous about Aine moving in? That's natural.

Have you been thinking about other people or anything? You ever cheated on her?

-Sorry, Peebers. I think what Doofus is trying to say--

-No, no, it's fine. I mean, we're all men here, am I right, guys?

-Yeah, but I don't think-- -We're all dudes here.

Absolutely, right? Listen--

Whatever you choose to share with us,

our lips are sealed, whether it involves men, women or children.

Not children.

-That was outrageous back there.

-I was sticking to the plan.

-I wish I was in Peter-Brian's red car.

-Look, I know you're upset, okay?

But I've got something in my pocket that might cheer you up.

Oh, my pubes.

Ta-da. Two tickets...

for you and me, for the Viking Splash Tour.

What do you say?

-I don't know, Doofus.

I'm into mature stuff now, like archery and whiskey.

And two tickets? What about PB?

-I wanted to do something for us, Frank.

What's happening to us?

-Doofus, I'm sorry.

I would love to come to the Viking Splash Tour with you.

-I love you, Frank.

-You're one of my best friends.

-(crowd cheering) -(horn honking)

-MAN: Three, two, one! -(crowd cheers)

(horn honks)

-Aw man! This is great!

-Meh.

-You're not making an effort, Frank.

-I'm trying, Doofus, but this feels...

plebeian or something.

I've to change for the wine tasting later, how do I get off?

-You can't get off. We're approaching the water.

-I guess I'm staying on then. Great.

-(crowd cheers) -(water splashes)

-Might get a podcast going.

-What's a podcast?

Can I come to the wine tasting too, please?

-MAN: Three, two, one!

(all cheering)

-Ma, I'm heading out for a bit.

-Bye, Frankie. -Ciao, Frankie.

-Good night, Richard.

-Good night, Frank.

-FRANK: I just think we're growing apart.

I mean, Doofus wouldn't know a red wine

from a-- a different red wine.

Easy there, pal. Aren't you supposed to taste and spit?

Ah, fuck it. The week I've had?

Patients moaning, moaning.

"Oh, my foot's broken."

"Ahhh, what's this rash?"

-Right, that does seem annoying, although you are a doctor.

Yech! A "woman" came in today, all,

"I'm unhappy. I don't feel beautiful."

I gave her a prescription that said, "Don't wear leggings."

She said, "Tanks."

That's the level of person we're dealing with here you know?

-You don't like being a doctor?

-Yeah, telling people you're a doctor is great,

but actually doing the work's a fucking nightmare.

That's what was so sweet about college.

-Didn't you have to study a lot?

-And the women... Jesus.

Now I feel like I'm slowing down.

-Look, Aine's moving in.

You'll settle down.

And we'll be besties.

I know it's soon to say, but let's call a spade a spade.

I might move in.

-You have no idea what my life was like before Aine.

Vag.

Vag, vag, everywhere.

And now? Not a drop to drink.

-Peebster, I don't think I should be hearing this.

-You listen! Aine suspects I've been unfaithful,

-and I haven't. -Right. Good!

-Except the worst part is I have.

Only once.

A girl at the bar.

Another girl at the gym.

And several patients. But that's a bigger deal.

That's trouble. But they're the only ones, all right?

Well, no, there were loads more,

but those were the only ones Aine suspects.

Well, no, she suspects it's a much bigger problem, and it is.

Ah, Christ, Frank, I'm fucked!

-Easy, easy. Easy, there. -(ringtone plays)

-Easy. -(ringtone plays)

-I'm sorry. Please don't tell Aine.

(doorbell chimes)

-Frank, thanks for coming.

-(door closes) -Can I get you anything?

-Tea, coffee? -Maybe a latte.

-That would take ages. -I know you have a milk frother, Aine.

-Would you like a regular coffee?

-Is it instant? -Yes.

-Just a water, please. Sparkling.

-So... about Peter-Brian.

-Look, I don't wanna say this.

I've been spying on him.

I thought he was cheating on you,

and I was trying to collect some hard evidence and--

-And?

-Basically, he's clean.

Okay? The man's a boy scout and not in a bad way.

-Frank, I've been worried about Peter-Brian too,

so I've been doing a little spying of my own.

I asked Doofus to keep tabs on him.

-Doofus? -He sent me these today.

-Aine, my little house mouse...

these aren't real.

-Of course they're not real.

But seeing them made me realize Peter-Brian is just--

He's just so fucking posh.

And I don't wanna live with--

And here we are,

and here you are.

And I can't remember why we broke up.

-You wouldn't do anal. -It was more than that.

-No. That was the deal breaker for me.

Aine, we've been over this.

Darling, I don't want you.

I want you to be unhappy.

-Yeah, you keep saying that, Frank,

but you keep coming back.

-Sing me a song, Frank. -What?

Sing me a song like the good old days.

Sing me a song, Frank. Come on sing it.

-♪ Please leave me alone ♪ -Yes.

How about one last bit of rough before I move in with fancy pants?

-No, Aine, I can't. -What if the anus was back on the table?

-Aine, no. Please.

I couldn't do that to someone I respect.

-But it's all you used to talk about!

-I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about Peter-Brian.

I respect him too damn much.

I want him to be my best friend, and God willing--

I know it's early, but I think if he and I spend enough time together--

-You're pathetic. -You're desperate.

-Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!

Doofus, Doofus, Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!

-Easy, easy, Frank, you'll wake my parents.

-What was with those photos of PB?

-Oh! Did she buy them? -No!

I can't believe you hid behind my back.

-You're the one who went rogue!

-My relationship with Peter-Brian is very nuanced.

You know what? Forget Kevin Costner in "Dances with Wolves."

You're Kevin Costner in "Waterworld."

Shit! You and me, we're done.

-Fine! Have fun with your new best friend!

-I will have fun with my new best friend!

We're going to Avoca for lunch on Wednesday,

and then afterwards we're probably gonna go

to the Southside for a cheeseboard.

-I don't even know you anymore.

-STEPHANE: What's wrong, Frankie?

-I don't know, Stephane.

I started the day with two besties,

but I'm pretty sure I can only have one.

-What is a bestie?

The guy who massage you in the bath? Your bitch?

-That was Doofus.

But now I think I want Peter-Brian to be my bestie instead.

-Why? -I don't know.

He might be an awful person, but his lifestyle is better.

-So you rather be his Doofus, than have Doofus be yours?

Let me say, uh,

"It is better to reign in Hell

than serve in Heaven."

-Did you just come up with that? -It's Milton.

-The sterilizer? -No.

Well, thank you for sharing your native wisdom with me, Stephane.

You're a very wise French man.

-Good night, Frankie.

-Good night, Dad.

(weeping)

-Richard, pet? -Yes, Frank?

-Could you keep it down?

-My babies.

I gotta get back to my babies.

♪♪ (polka)

-Whoa, there, Padraig! Careful there!

Okay!

-DOOFUS: Hello, Frank. It's quite a housewarming.

-FRANK: Quite.

I hear there'll have a chocolate fountain later.

-Well, I'm just here to wish them well.

I won't cause any bother.

-Doofus-- -I just want you to be happy, Frank.

I know he's your bestie now, and I won't stand in your way.

I love you, so I'll let you go.

-Thanks for coming, Frank.

-It's no problem, my little Pokemon.

You're still going through with it?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I had a chat with Peter, and...

Promise me you won't tell anyone about my little wobble last night.

It was just nerves.

-Just nerves. -(chuckles)

-Your secret's safe with me.

-(metal clanging) -PETER-BRIAN: Guys?

-Guys? -Oh, God.

-Can I say a couple of words?

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Moving in is a big step for us, for me and Aine,

but it's the right one, I'm pretty sure.

You know, in my business, a lot of people need my help.

But outside office hours, who really needs me?

You know? Who wants me?

That woman. Aine.

She needs me.

All hours of the fucking day.

She's so clingy. It's-- It's--

You know what? Screw it.

It's really fucking...

nice.

So why stop with a move, you know?

Fuck it, yeah. Fuck it!

Aine, darling!

Aine Finnegan,

will you marry me?

-(crowd murmurs) -(coughs)

(scattered applause)

(cheering, applause)

Congratulations, darling.

-What?

-Frank! -Congratulations, man.

-You and me, Frankie boy.

I gotta be honest,

I did not plan to do that just now.

I think I've had one too many of these... again.

-(chuckles) -Bring it in, big guy.

-I will never be your Doofus. -What?

-And if you keep fucking around on Aine,

I'll tell her you slept with your patients.

That's not just a divorce, that's your whole job gone.

-No, Frank, you wouldn't do that.

-You were the first man I ever wanted to be like.

-What?

(scoffs)

-Doofus.

Doofus!

-I need you back, Frank. He has to go.

-Put down the firearm. He's not my friend anymore.

-Really? -He's a knob-end. You were right.

They're getting married, Doofus.

-So we're besties again?

-Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

-Did you come up with that?

-Yeah.

-FRANK: Sorry about what I said before.

You're not like Kevin Costner in "Waterworld."

You're like Kevin Costner in "The Bodyguard."

-DOOFUS: Ah! You're like Kevin Costner in "The Untouchables."

-You're like Kevin Costner in "Field of Dreams."

-You're like Kevin Costner in "Tin Cup."

-Haven't seen it.

You're like Kevin Costner in "Tombstone."

-That was Kurt Russell.

You're like, eh...

Kevin Costner in "Mr. Brooks."

-Haven't seen that, either.

-It's really good.

(groans)

-Oh, pubes got you?

-Yes. There's blood in me undies.

♪♪