Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I don't have plans and schemes ♪

♪ And I don't have hopes and dreams ♪

♪ I don't have anything ♪

♪ Since I don't ♪

♪ Have you ♪

-Fuck.

-WOMAN: I cannot believe you did it again.

-(snoring) -Mam.

-Oh, you're so boring.

How many times you gonna do this with her?

It's like "Return of the Living Dead."

(groaning)

-Her grandma died yesterday.

-Oh. Pity shag.

-Mm-mm. We're invited to the wake.

-Oh, yeah. Wakey-wakey.

-Shove it up your jack, Mary.

(groans)

(sighs)

Oh...

-Your grandma had a long life, Aine.

-I can't believe I rode you again.

-Oh.

-Last night was a mistake.

-Absolutely. Why?

-For the last couple of weeks, Frank,

I've been-- I've been seeing someone.

A doctor.

-Oh, my God.

Is it serious?

-It might be.

-Do I need to get tested?

-No, Frank. I've been seeing him.

We've been seeing each other.

-So, it is serious.

Do I need to get tested or not?

-I have to go.

-That was the last time. -Absolutely.

Hey. Do you want to get brunch?

♪♪

FRANK: "Thank God for the rain.

"It washes the crap off the sidewalk.

"Someday, a big rain will wash away

all this scum on the street.

"Loneliness follows me wherever I go.

"I am...

God's lonely man."

♪♪

Robert DeNiro. "Taxi Driver."

-Very good.

-It's a great movie. Have you seen it?

-Nope. Don't really want to.

-"You never had no pussy like that.

"You could do whatever you like with her, you could--"

(sirens wailing)

"She'll get your cock so hard she'll make it explode."

(indistinct dialog on radio)

-I was doin' Harvey Keitel. -Oh.

-FRANK: Doofus!

-(honks horn) -Hey!

-Doofus! -Get back, will ya?

-Doofus. Doofus.

(horn honks)

-Frank? -The wake, Doofus, the wake.

-(horn honks) -I can't, Frank.

-I'll be fired. -(horn honks)

-I have to be back before lunch.

Frank.

What's the plan, Frank?

-You hawk these by the buffet.

I'll press the flesh, check out the corpse.

-Get your Duke Governs EP, two for a fiver.

-Christ, Doofus. -St. Francis of Assisi

come to preach the simple life.

-Mam, what are you doin' here? You said you couldn't give me a lift.

-Free booze. Bit of craic.

-It's lovely to see ya, Frank. It means so much to Aine.

-Myself and Aine are just friends now, Padraig,

I've been very clear. The last thing I want to do is

get back with that nightmare you call a daughter.

Now, where's the corpse?

-Me mam? -Your mam. Yeah.

-DOOFUS: They've got trifle, Frank.

-Sandra's not your mam anymore.

You know, from this day forward,

she's-- she's just a dead old lady.

Well, I hope that helps.

-Not really. -Oh...

-I wanted to ask you something, Frank.

Would you do us the very great honor

of playing a song at her funeral?

-What? -Holy shit. A gig?

-No, not a gig, no. No, I was thinkin' more like

one song, you know, at the funeral.

-He'll fuck it up, Padraig.

-Doofus, he wants me to play a gig.

-A gig? Holy shitballs. Woo!

Give me high five, buddy.

-You know what? That sounds great.

Let-- Let me think about it, Padraig, okay?

It's just-- It's been a while since I've actually, um--

-Mm-hm. -Can I get back to you?

It's just-- Yeah. Where's Aine?

-She's inside with her new boyfriend.

-Her new what?

Why didn't someone tell me? Have they--

Have they done it yet? -I hope not.

He does MMA.

-Duke Governs, back in the game!

♪♪

-Frank. -What's this? Who's this?

Oh, my God, that's so weird.

-Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.

-Oh, Peter-Brian. Thanks for coming.

Sorry, it's just I've never seen a stiff before.

She looks terrible. Is she stuffed?

-She's not stuffed, Frank.

-She looks so realistic.

What's goin' on here? How did this happen?

-Doctor said it was organ failure.

-Not this. This.

-Oh. Well, it's, uh--

It's kind of a mad story, actually.

-(mocking) Mad story, actually.

-I was walking down Thomas Street a few weeks ago,

and all of a sudden, I see this vision.

And she's being hassled by some awful thugs, so I, um--

Well, look, I-- I stepped in.

-Don't be so modest, Peter-Brian.

-He does MMA. -Oh, I heard.

And I know your type. Underground ravings.

All night sex parties. Drinkin' way too much water.

Shittin' yourself.

-Are you thinking of MDMA?

-No. -MMA stands for Mixed Martial Arts.

-I know what it stands for. Well, I'm a musician.

-I'm sure Aine told you. -Well, she said you--

You hadn't played in quite a while.

-I'm actually playing the funeral tomorrow.

-What? Frank, no. -What's your jam, man?

-Don't bond with him. -I'm a singer-songwriter.

I go under the moniker

Duke Governs and the Legislators.

The last few years, I've been working on

a 32-track double album about Ireland

in which each song is named after a single county.

I've only got the title so far, but I just came up with

"Blood Is Thicker Than Waterford," so you're welcome.

What do you do when you're not preying on vagrants,

and gettin' off your tits?

-I'm a doctor.

-So am I.

-You're not a doctor, Frank. -I'm gonna do MDMA.

-MMA. -And you definitely don't do MMA.

-I do. Yeah. (grunts)

-Are you a doctor, dude? -No.

(grunting)

-That's Frank.

♪♪

-Did you know that taking Ecstasy--

also known as dabbing or bombing--

-is considered a gateway drug-- -He doesn't do Ecstasy.

-It stands for Mixed Martial Arts. -Mixed Martial Arts.

I know.

You're rushing things, Aine. We only broke off--

-Six years ago. -Six years ago,

and all of a sudden you're out gallivanting with a yoked up party boy.

-It doesn't mean Ecstasy. -I know.

What was all that last night?

-I was upset about my grandma.

-Bullshit.

-Frank, you don't want me.

You just want me to be unhappy without you.

-Exactly. So the thing you have going with Barry-Peter--

-Peter-Brian. -It's 100 percent unacceptable.

-You broke up with me because--

because I wouldn't do anal.

-A relationship should be give and take.

Give and take.

-Are you guys goin' out again?

-We'll see, Doofus, we'll see. -No, Frank, it's over.

-If you want Billy-Barry in there,

any funny stuff off my gig tomorrow,

I'll knock his bloody block off.

-I'd like to see you try.

-(sighs) -I need to learn MMA before the funeral.

-Book it now. -No, I'm due back at work, Frank, they'll sack me.

-MMA, now. -Shouldn't you rehearse instead?

-MMA. Now, now, now! -Okay.

-You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?

-No. -Amazing movie.

In a world gone bananas,

one sane man stands up for what's right.

"Do you know what he called you?

He called you a little piece of chicken."

-Don't really know the film so--

-"You never had no pussy like that!

-"You can do-- -(sirens wailing)

"Man, she'll get your cock so hard, she'll make it explode."

-I was doin' Harvey Keitel. -He was doin' Harvey Keitel.

-What time is it?

Might have a quick cry.

(Frank sobbing)

-Five more minutes, Frank.

-Okay. (sobbing)

♪♪

-This is the last time I take time off work, Frank.

They, uh-- They said if I miss one more day,

I'm out on my ear.

-Holy shit. -(hissing)

-Look at her. -(hissing, grunting)

♪♪

-I love her, Frank.

I love her.

-Frank, is it?

-Yes, miss. -Nicola.

I'll be your trainer today.

Right.

Let's start in the cage, boys.

Lock it.

So, lads, what are you lookin' to get out of this?

-To defend myself against bullies.

-To defend myself against doctors. -Okay.

-Can you teach me how to do a fish hook, Nicola?

-It's for a funeral. -Yeah, fish hooks are banned.

It said on your form you've done a bit of sparring, Doofus.

-Uh, yeah, well, I, um-- I used to work, uh,

part time in a Spar, so it was only light sparring.

I'm a wee bit rusty is the thing, Nicola.

-Wah-wah. I'm a wee bit rusty, Nicola.

Oil me up. Cover me in oil.

(grunts) Fuckin' hell!

-That hurt? -No.

Nicola. Yeah, that's a-- that's a nice name.

-Are you busy tomorrow or-- -Hey, don't-- (grunts)

Oh, wow. Oh, man, that hurts.

-Straight left to the chest. Watch out for that Doofus, yeah?

-Thank you. -Oh, yeah!

Champion of everything. (grunts)

Fuckin' hell! -It's a liver shot, it's deadly.

-(grunts)

-Is that a boner?

-Yeah. I don't know, that's--

that's a strange one.

-(grunts) -(groans)

-DOOFUS: I'm sorry. You're so pretty.

-You little-- -Nice to meet ya, Nicola.

(grunting)

(screaming)

-Nicola. -(groans) Help me, Frank.

-Would you like to go for a drink with me tonight?

-(groans) Frank, you have to rehearse.

-Yeah, why not. (grunts)

-(farting)

-FRANK: If the date goes well tonight,

I might ask her to the funeral.

She's the perfect combo of protection and arm candy.

-But I bagsied her.

-You kicked her in the gee, Doofus.

-I was jealous.

-See you in the mornin'.

-Oh, no, I can't go, Frank, my work.

-(door closes)

-(sighs)

♪♪

-(thudding)

-Hey.

-What's goin' on? -Nothing.

Frank.

-(scoffs)

-H-- How are you, Frank?

-Padraig.

-What are you doin' here? -Grieving.

-He just looked so sad.

-She's a wonderful woman, your mother.

She took me in. She loved me.

-Oh, God.

-She made me feel again.

-Yeah. Oh, Mam. I've decided.

I'm playin' the funeral. -You'll do it?

Oh, Frank. That's great news.

What a family.

-Why don't you boys take it outside

and discuss the details?

Give Mary some alone time.

-Yeah. Let's get you into some pants.

-The last thing we want at a comeback concert--

-My mam's not coming back.

-Is for me to get up there and sing something boring.

You know? Like, I just came up with a title,

"The Witches of East Wicklow,"

which I really think is a quite good idea.

-Have you written it or have you just come up with a title?

-Just come up with a title.

-The funeral is tomorrow, we don't have time.

You need to rehearse. -What did you have in mind?

-Well, Mam always loved "The Lord Is My Shepherd."

-Jesus, Padraig. Buzz kill.

Let me play something that people can sing along to.

I Googled some heartbreaking ballads,

which are actually popular with our target audience of elderly mourners.

So how about, "My Heart Will Go On"?

-Well, Mam died from the-- the heart trouble,

I never knew-- -Okay, fair enough.

"How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You"?

-She was diabetic. -Right.

-"You'll Never Walk Alone"? -Two things.

-It was by Jerry and the Pacemakers. -Oh, God.

-And she lost her left foot to diabetes,

so the whole idea of walking alone--

-"Unforgettable"? -Towards the end, Frank, you know, her memory wasn't--

-You need to work with me on this, Padraig.

What about,

♪ There was an old man called Michael Finnegan... ♪

Same second name.

♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪

Fuck it!

"The Lord Is My Shepherd" it is.

You happy now? -Yes. Thanks.

Listen, is Mary coming tomorrow?

There's something special about that woman.

-Yeah. I better go.

-Okay, go. And practice the song.

-Yeah. Yeah, practice the song.

♪♪

-Sorry I'm late. I had to stop for a cry.

-Yeah. No worries. I drank your pint.

Next to me, little man.

-Yeah, just--

Listen, I can't stay long, I've got a gig in the morning.

-A gig. Really?

-Yeah, I have to rehearse the song, too.

Let's just take it easy. Just gonna have one pint,

and then head home.

-Hey.

Do you want some MDMA?

♪ The Lord is my shepherd, I'll not want ♪

♪ He makes me down to lie ♪

♪ In pastures green he leadeth me ♪

♪ The quiet waters by ♪

♪♪

(woman screaming)

♪♪

(screaming)

♪ Within the paths of righteousness ♪

♪ For his own namesake ♪

-Jesus Christ, no! (indistinct shouting)

♪♪

-I really need to learn that song.

-Fuck that. Red or white?

-What? -Never mind.

Rosé.

♪♪

-Who's this, Frank?

-My MDMA instructor.

-And what's she doing here?

-Teaching me the basics of unarmed combat.

-Right. -Ahh!

-You know, I dated a fella once

who was into erotic asphyxiation.

Didn't work out in the end.

He needed room to breathe.

-He couldn't breathe. -I get it.

-I was chokin' him when I was-- -I get it, Mam.

-I don't think you should play the funeral, pet.

-Last time you-- -It's my destiny.

I am destiny's child.

-We talked about this, Frank. The cycle.

Never moving on. Still living at home.

-You think I want to stay in this hell hole?

I'm looking after you.

I'm the dutiful son personified.

-You really believe that?

All right, Frank.

Well, it's your funeral.

-Uh...

♪♪

-Wha-- What kind of gig is this?

-Huh?

-Is this a funeral? -Yeah. Problem?

-Sellin' the EPs, Doofus. -No.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

-I-- I got fired from work, Frank.

-Frank, you're late. Who's this?

Where's Mary? Are you on drugs?

-Padraig, I've a lot on my plate right now, okay?

What's the story with sound check?

-Sound check?

The funeral's started.

Jesus' sake. Amateur hour.

-Hi. You look nice.

-PRIEST: So we thank you for joining us today

to celebrate the life of Sandra Finnegan.

-(whispering) May peace be with you.

-PRIEST: ...we have a special friend...

-May peace be with you. Yeah. -PRIEST: Frank Marron,

also known as Duke Governs,

-who is going to sing Sandra's favorite song-- -May peace be with you.

-"The Lord Is My Shepherd." -FRANK: May peace be with you.

-(organ plays) -I'm not singing that horseshit.

I'm doing "Every Breath You Take."

-No, no, no. She had emphysema.

-She had everything under the fuckin' sun, Padraig.

Fine.

I'll freestyle this motherfucker.

♪♪

(organ plays dissonant chords)

-Well, that's the second worst case of organ failure this week.

(laughs)

Here's a little ditty for God's sickest woman.

-Woo!

(Frank clears his throat)

♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪

-♪ She grew whiskers on her chin again ♪

♪ The wind came out and blew them in again ♪

-(strums guitar) -Nope.

♪ Poor old Sandra Finnegan, begin again ♪

Everybody!

♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪

-For God's sake.

-What? What? -You're ruining this.

-Shut up, Aine.

Sandra hated you anyway.

-Frank. It is not an appropriate song.

-What are you talkin' about? She had a beard.

-You need to stop, dude. -Oh!

What are you gonna do about it, tough guy?

I've got protection with me this time.

Everybody, meet Nicola.

She's my new girlfriend- slash-bodyguard.

She's built like a brick shithouse,

and she's got a black belt in lovemaking, doggie style.

Nicki, sic 'em!

-Nope. -This is all totally out of order, Frank.

-Don't talk to me about out of order, Padraig,

you were halfway up my mam yesterday.

-(gasping)

-Now, I really want to

hear you on this next verse. Okay?

♪ There was an old man called Sandra Finnegan ♪

-Fish hook, you bastard. -(grunts)

-Hey, hey, they're banned!

-(gagging) -Oh, no, he's gettin' a boner.

-FRANK: Help, Doofus, please. (gagging)

-I'm sorry, you're so beautiful.

Fuckin'-- Oh, no, you're not!

-(screaming) -(groaning)

(screaming)

-Why does he have a boner?

(screaming)

-I'll tell him to move on, okay? -Okay.

-Get your Duke Governs EPs!

Two for a fiver!

-Hey. Look.

I'm sorry.

-I want you to go. Okay?

-Okay.

-Ah! I'm with PB now, all right?

And he treats me well.

He's a doctor.

He doesn't even ask about anal.

Unless he's had a beer, and even then...

he doesn't push it.

-Tell him you have to push it.

Otherwise, it doesn't go in.

(grunts)

(car horn honks)

-(sighs) Thanks for the lift.

My taxi account's been suspended.

-How'd it go?

-Yeah, okay, I think.

Mam, why does everything turn out shit for me?

Is it because I'm...

God's lonely man?

-It's because you're a prick, Frank.

-Oh.

-You have to learn to think of other people's feelings.

-Oh, okay.

-Mary. -Fuck.

Don't move.

-Mary. My mother always told me I need to be braver in love.

Now that she's gone, I realize she was right.

So here goes.

Mary Marron.

Would you like to meet me for a drink sometime?

-You gonna answer him?

-I don't think so.

(car starts)

No.

-Mary. Mary!

Mary!

Mary!

-FRANK: Hey. You ever seen the film "Taxi Driver"?

-MARY: Course I have. Great movie.

-BOTH: "You never had no pussy like that."

♪♪