Original subtitles

I'm coming!

It's about time! Are you Mr. Arturo?

In my underpants.

It's leaking.

Another washing machine? They've already given us 8.

I only deliver packages. Your signature.

- Can I change it? - No.

- Here it is. - Thank you.

The pen.

Are you afraid I'll steal it?

Look here. All wet. It's already soaked.

Let's see the label. It's so small.

And you? Who sent you?

You were the one leaking!

- Let's see who is so original. - Arturo.

- Wolmer! - You're still like this?

- I've been downstairs 2 hours. - Meanwhile, take your hat off.

Better if you put it back on.

Ice-cream man, did you give me this dog?

- What dog? No. He's cute. Yours? - Seems like it.

- Who gave it to you? - Let's see.

I don't think we'll ever know. Poor thing! You must be thirsty.

Hurry, I'm in a rush.

- You've slept until now? - Oh, no! I dreamed, nightmares.

- Remember the blond at the club? - The Mokambo?

Yes. Instead of getting married I was in bed with her.

- Is there a meaning? - I don't know.

The day before marrying I dreamed of my wife.

- In bed? - Yes. With another guy.

A premonition dream?

A mathematical certainty.

Wolmer, you realize my life will drastically change as of tomorrow?

- Arturo becomes a gentleman. - You, a gentleman?

I am agitated. Look at all I must do today.

How did Casiraghi do it? I think he drugged himself.

Pick up clothes, rings, church rehearsal and there's Simona.

- Remember Simona? - Pistachio, vanilla and strawberry.

- I met her at your ice-cream shop. - You ordered some liquor.

I don't know how to tell her I'm marrying. I'll have to invite her.

My wife is jealous and doesn't want me to. She said, "Not Simona".

Marriages don't end because of an extra wedding guest.

Look at mine.

It began having problems when my wife invited an extra guest in bed.

He wasn't the only one!

Excuse me.

- Are you pissed off? - No.

- You're leaving? - You have to get the car back.

- See you this evening, on time. - I've a lot to do.

- I'm busy with the shop too. - I can't do it all myself.

When you marry, you become two, and that's the problem.

Excuse me.

You show up now, you animal?

- I am not your employee. - You're almost my son-in-law.

How much does a son-in-law earn a month?

Relax! Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.

- My daughter hasn't said "yes" yet. - She did.

- Excuse me? - No, nothing.

You wanted to go on a honeymoon with that?

- Why? - Only the stereo worked!

- And the reclining seats! - They were reclining.

- What do you mean? - I...

I had them welded. Now they're fixed.

Reclining seats are a bachelor's stuff.

It is a marvel again. The dump is all fixed up.

Aside from the dump... Excuse me.

- Did you give me this dog? - No, why?

- He growls at me. - He's right.

Mr. Gastone, relax. A little enthusiasm.

After all, I'm a good guy. As of tomorrow we'll be a family.

- No, related. - You'll be my children's granddad.

You think I should be relaxed?

Take a look at the windshield, please.

- What is this? - It's the bill.

- What? But we're related. - Let's make one thing clear.

We'll always have separation of assets. Is that clear?

700,000? Rather than a honeymoon, it's a golden anniversary!

- Do I get a discount if I say "Dad"? - No, I'll add the VAT.

I've already got a banquet of 150 guests on my back,

of which 43 are yours. Clear? - I hope it's not hereditary.

- What? - Such a back.

Oh, please!

My guests aren't 43. Uncle Igino feels better. He may come.

That's 44, like a Magnum.

Dirty Harry! I already have an organ player and 4 violinists.

I've a priest with 4 altar boys, decorations, flowers and carpet.

I went past my budget.

Remember, we have a very important appointment.

- Don't do as usual. OK? - Say hi to Granddad.

Mr. Gastone, don't worry. I'll be there, on time.

I'll do everything, faithfully respecting tradition.

One thing. We already discussed it. No figurines on the cake.

I put up with a lot. A daughter falling in love with an idiot,

a wife called Nives, Milan in B series, and even Uncle Igino.

But no figurines on the cake? I'll put them this tall! This tall!

Is there a strike today?

What is it?

- Cheers for the groom. - Congratulations!

Cheers for the groom!

Is someone getting married?

A traitor. As of tomorrow, he's joining the enemy.

- Arturo, you betrayed us all. - I hope he cheats on his wife!

Excluded! It's nice to know I can always count on you.

- Always. - Again.

- A nice healthy work environment! - I still need it.

- Cheers! - Cheers to the spouse!

Girls, get to work! I need money.

Madam, if you must buy, do so. As of tomorrow, I've a family.

Roland, do you mind if I take some cash from the register?

If I go by the bank, I must invite the employees.

I already upset my father-in-law with Uncle Igino.

- Ok, Judas. - Enough of this traitor thing!

You never betrayed, right?

Me?

Campobasso, Campobasso, fuck off!

We're staying! We're staying, we're staying in C series!

We're staying, we're staying in C series! We're staying...

But... the stadium tickets! Who has them?

I do. They're in my jacket.

- Better if each keeps his own. - You don't trust me? Suck!

- Mantova! - Mantova!

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

- Italian? - Cape Verde.

I'm for the white and red team.

You're white and red too You're for the Mantova team too?

- No, Liverpool. - A tiny difference.

- You're already getting off? - Yes, next stop, Serra Capriola.

Liverpool is playing with Serra Capriola?

- You need help? - Please.

I've serious intentions. Stop a minute, I may marry you.

I didn't do it!

- You're Concezione from Cape Verde? - Yes.

I'm Scortichini Artemio, my mother, my children, my son-in-law.

- The Bradford family. - Who is this young man?

- Two. White and red. - Mantova.

- Who's the pretty brunette? - My girlfriend.

- What? She's coming to work here. - What?

- You have a maid now? - We can't? Mind your own business.

Concezione, you're a slave, but I'll free you with my love.

- When will I see you? - Thursdays from 4 to 9 p.m.

Come. Know how to make "strozzapreti" with pork ribs?

- They are so good. - We'll burn your pig fields.

You had better leave.

Get in, dear.

- Conductor, the train to Campobasso? - It left.

Oh, my gosh! The tickets! When is the next one?

Tonight, but going the other way.

I must stay 10 hours to Serra Capriola?

Take a walk in town. There's the Agricultural Equipment Museum.

What fun!

If there was different equipment...

Hi!

Hi!

- I saw you and got off the train. - And now you missed it.

- I don't care. - I don't believe it.

I'm a fan. I was going to Campobasso.

We're playing our stay in C series. You don't believe it?

I'll show you the tickets. Look.

- Wow! You're a fan or scalper? - I am crazy about you.

We can even get married now. A station master is a public officer.

Erminia, he's already got a girlfriend, a black woman.

- No, she was just a fling. - You wanted to make a fool of me?

I'll jab the shears up your ass and send you flying to Campobasso!

Here, Campobasso. The teams are still even.

Just before the start brawls broke out at the gates.

They were immediately calmed down by the police force.

Seven Mantova ultras were arrested. They wanted to break down the gates.

They are my friends.

They used clubs. One person was hospitalized

with a head injury.

I am ruined.

- When is the train for Melbourne? - What?

Twenty-nine stitches.

One more point on the ranking, and we stayed in C series.

- Great times! - We're not doing well now?

We never had money for the stadium. Now we can buy it.

Thank you, jeans!

- You solved the problem of Simona? - Forget it.

- Your wife doesn't want her? - Simona doesn't know I'm marrying.

When she got married, did she invite you?

Sure, but I didn't go.

- You were very respectful. - I didn't wake up at all.

While celebrating, did some genius have the idea

of giving me a dog? - No.

No? Sooner or later I'll find that genius!

Yes?

- Hi, Simona. - Arturo!

I came because I must tell you something.

I'm a disaster. You should have called me.

- I wouldn't say so! - I am alone. Come in.

- Tomorrow... - I'll straighten up.

Arturo, I'm coming.

Well?

- How do I look? - How do you look?

You look!

Arturo.

Why did we break up?

Besides the dress he wanted to buy the filling.

It's not for sale.

No. It's part of our company's capital.

Without it, we'd be ruined.

Shall we eat something here in Verona?

We've no time. There's a fashion show at "The Bride's House".

Right.

White looks good on me, huh?

Simona, we've been together for almost two years.

- We must talk about marriage. - Let's talk about it, love.

I am against it.

I never saw her since that day.

If I could go back, I wouldn't marry ever again.

- Aren't you happy? - Did you see where I live?

- It's nice here. - Did you read the sign?

"You are entering a fraction of Bussolengo." I live in a fraction!

- You have a fraction man. - We have only one traffic light.

- At least there isn't much traffic. - No. Marrying is suicide.

People should be like you. Believe in love and never marry.

Never. Well, not never.

At a certain point, you may want to have a family. Me too...

- Look at my family! - Did you run into the traffic light?

No, into my husband. It's our only physical contact.

Nice! What does it mean? All marriages have their bad moments.

You know why marriages end? At a certain point one looks at

the other with the tragic sensation that it could last a lifetime.

Why are you here?

- Does it hurt? - Yes, very much.

- Will you kiss where it hurts? - How black!

I feel like I'm kissing Diana Ross.

Did he hit you here too? It's all swollen.

Did you marry Boom Boom Mancini?

Did he hit you under the belt too? It's against the rules.

I disqualified him for life.

Simona, how many times did you see "The Key"?

Not even once. The pig didn't take me.

I'll give you a preview of another movie.

Two years have gone by, but Arturo's fever is still high!

What are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow... Let me think.

Tomorrow I've a full day.

Now that we're together again, I can't live without you.

I must tell you something.

- Don't tell me anything. I know. - Know what?

- I won't ask you to marry me. - It's not that.

I don't want to make the same mistake.

- Who is it? - It's him.

You had me discover a good point in marriage.

Finally. We must be objective on marriage sometimes.

One thing pays you back. Cheating on your husband.

Simona, prepare my bath!

If you hadn't looked for me, I'd have looked for you.

I was worried!

I did something asinine, but I didn't want to.

She did everything.

Don't look at me like that. When you're older, you'll understand.

Life is complicated.

I swear it's the last stupid thing I do.

You don't believe it?

I'm not kidding. I'll show you what I can do.

Look.

You see this?

All the women of my life are catalogued here, glorious stuff.

Listen to this.

"Moira A.T." Awesome tits.

"Nicoletta", three stars. A must, like "Rambo".

"Patrizia."

The critics' reviews aren't good but the audience gave her 4 stars.

"Rosalba, "D.O.M."

What does it mean? Yes! "Day Off Monday."

Poor thing. Once a week...

Here. Look.

52 minutes late.

Are you sure you checked the car well?

- Why? - It did a backfire.

- Couldn't you call? - I lost my agenda.

- Susy is already... - She left. She waited!

She had an appointment with the hairdresser. She's never late.

- She was pissed off at you. - Really?

- Yes. I'm even more pissed off. - I'll go apologize to her.

Where are you going? I'll take you to the altar.

- I'm coming... - I'll teach you to be on time!

Let's go.

No. Look at my hands. When I do this, stand up.

When I do this, sit down. When I do this, kneel.

Ok, Father.

- How far had we gotten? - Nadia and I are at the altar.

A little patience here. There's the music piece.

- Come on! - I'm not a train.

- What shoes are you wearing? - The ceremony ones.

They are tight. I'm breaking them in. Then I'll take them for a checkup.

- Tomorrow use a silencer. - I'll put on my sneakers.

Everyone will look at the bride. She is so beautiful!

Everyone will wonder why she is next to you.

- I know! - What?

- No. I was talking to myself. - We're rehearsing here!

- We're disturbing. Let's go. - No, no.

I've 150 guests tomorrow. Everything must go smoothly.

- Nothing must be left to chance. - Yes!

Then there's the entire Mass, but we'll be concise.

- You're here. - Yes. I'm sorry.

I'm marrying here tomorrow too, before you, but I'm late.

I wanted to know if you could insert me...

- Of course. - No!

- It's late. - Did I miss a lot?

- No, it just began. - What happened?

Nothing. I entered as if linking arms with my father.

- Oh, him! - I'm the groom.

I see. Mr. Gastone, come forward and bring her here

because everything must be perfect. Nothing must be left to chance.

We have 151 guests. Uncle Igino confirmed.

When we got to the altar he kissed my hand.

Come on.

- Perfect. - Come on, everyone!

Excuse me. Please let me work. Who is he?

If it is your intention to unite in matrimony,

take your right hand and express, in front of God and the Church,

your consent.

The groom will say, "I take you..." What is the bride's name?

- Nadia. And you? - Arturo.

At this point, the bride says the renowned words.

- What words? - "I take you as my spouse."

Oh, yes!

- Nadia, you'll really take him? - Yes.

- He weighs 100 kilos. - If I remove his wallet, it's 90.

Very good.

We're reaching the end. It's time for the rings.

Now is the beautiful formula. "Receive this ring,

as a token of my love and my faithfulness."

- Alright. - The ring...

- Ring. - May I borrow them a minute?

- No. Use yours. - It's not easy.

I'll return them later. Is he always so distrustful?

Father Pio, should I cook the pasta?

Will you slip on those rings?

- Alright. I'll slip it on. - Yes.

Finally! Remember, no chewing gum tomorrow, Nadia.

Try coming with a lower neckline! Remember the rings, and be on time.

And you... Suit yourself.

Evelina, boil the pasta!

- Don't tell me you lost them. - What?

The rings! Don't tell me you didn't buy them.

- I did, but then... - What?

I can't find them.

- Out with the ring! - What do you care?

This ring is mine. No, it's Nadia's. You mixed them up.

- You're right. Sorry. - Give the lady back her ring.

- It won't come off. - Alright. I'll do it.

Miss, don't look.

What are you doing? You'll amputate it. I'll do it.

There!

There. You see? You need only be delicate.

- No! - Yes!

Yes... Yes... Yes...

- No! - Yes!

Danieli Nadia. Until tomorrow I'm in the phonebook.

Nadia, love!

Well?

Find them, buy them, steal them, make them up.

You animal, watch out. You're fighting for your life.

Yes? Who is it? Arturo! What're you doing here?

- Let me in. - He's at home.

- I don't care. I'm going inside. - Are you crazy?

I am fighting for my life.

This morning I left the most important thing.

You said something beautiful!

- Were we here? - Yes. It's our sofa.

It all still seems like a dream.

It's not a dream. It's all true.

I can feel that!

Simona, who was it at this hour?

- It was me. - Who are you?

- Who am I? I'm a neighbor. - Since when?

This morning.

- Is the Patrol MN85136 yours? - Yes.

I'd noticed it. Nothing ever escapes me.

- A lot of stuff escapes me. - What do you want?

Well?

- Do you mind telling me? - No, nothing.

I still don't have a TV set. I want to see the boxing match.

- You like it? - I sure do, shit!

- Sit down, neighbor. - May I take advantage of it?

Idiot, all men like boxing!

- Did you ever do boxing? - Like... how?

- Like this! - No. A few soccer games,

singles and married men. - I'll bet you play with the singles.

- Yes. Do you play? - Sure!

The gentleman is thirsty. Bring the beers!

I'll be right back.

- Then I'll sit down. - What're you waiting for?

Dear neighbor, we have Aranda-Valdez, big stuff.

You didn't want to miss it, huh?

Come on. It's starting! Look.

- Who are you rooting for? - The black guy.

- They are both white. - They hit like blacks.

The match is getting fiery! Go, macho! Kill him. Go!

He'll knock him out after the third inning. For sure!

Go! Left! Uppercut!

He knocks him down again. Look at the build!

Look at what he's doing!

What chest muscles! Look! He's the greatest.

What a hook!

- Uppercut! - That's it! That's it!

One!

Two! Three!

Four! Five! Six!

- Seven! Eight! - Bingo!

The referee saved you, my dear.

I said on the third, but he'll knock him out before. He's amazing.

- Come on, Aranda! - Weren't you rooting for Valdez?

- No, for Aranda. - Good for you.

Go, Aranda! No pity for who falls.

- Thank you. I am going. - Where?

- There's volleyball after boxing. - Actually...

My friend is hungry. Prepare something and bring beers, idiot.

You'll see! After a boxing match, volleyball is tops.

The second half will be awesome.

Yes, Attilio, but I can't. I'm in the middle of moving.

- Are you busy tomorrow? - Actually...

- Tomorrow I'm a bit tied up. - There's table tennis, get free!

Thank your wife. She was very nice.

- No, or she'll get conceited. - You're right. Bye, Attilio.

Bye.

- What a ball-breaker! - You're telling me!

Simona!

You exposed yourself so much.

You couldn't stay away from me, huh? You had to see me.

You couldn't resist, and neither could I.

You're crazy! What if Attilio sees us? Now that we've become friends...

Today I realized you're the man of my life.

- I'm leaving with you. - And Attilio?

I wrote him a letter. He's surely read it.

- He knows everything about us. - Absolutely everything?

Start the engine. Start the engine.

- Simona! Simona! - Go! Go!

Don't do anything stupid!

Simona, wait!

Where are you going?

Is there a marriage in your future? Come to "The Bride's House",

47th kilometer, State Road 102, exit for Verona.

"The Bride's House", remember?

- What? - Our love ended there.

Today it begins again!

- What are you saying? - Remember? "The Bride's House".

Yes, the bride...

Excuse me. Can you help me? My car won't start.

My car won't start! Please, can you help me?

Are you a foreigner?

American?

South Tyrol?

Are you mute?

- Then why won't you speak? - It's forbidden.

Article 291, comma 39, discipline code.

Fines to apply, from 2 to 6 months, if in times of peace.

I am lost. At least tell me where we are.

Military secret.

Does that phone work?

It's strictly for service communications.

- May I? - Don't get near! Keep back!

Assault to the guard post. I could open fire! Attention!

Slowly raise the hood and insert the support rod.

Don't worry!

If you get distracted, I don't want the enemy to take advantage!

Remove the cap. It's that red, bowl shaped thing

where the wires start. Who gave you a car?

My father. He works with cars. He has a workshop. I just drive.

- Target identified? - I think so.

Go inside among the wires and unfasten the hooks.

I'll get my hands dirty.

Since you are so good, can't you do it?

I am freezing.

It is an invitation to desert.

How do they keep the cars in your father's workshop?

There isn't a drop of sealant. Your dad is a dunce!

You're silent?

Article 291, comma 19, discipline code.

39, not 19. Where did you do your training?

Military secret.

Soldier, will you give me your phone number later on?

Top secret.

Come on. I've almost finished. You have to hold the flashlight.

I am all wet.

I'm not with the navy, but with the army!

Come on, you desert too.

Thank you, soldier.

- What are you doing? - I wanted to see if it turns off.

- If I hadn't found you... - You're telling me!

If you hadn't perked up the evening, I'd have talked to the deer.

- What deer? - One that passes by every night.

- He lives in this area. - I must go. They're waiting for me.

Well?

What was it?

A flash of lightning... here.

Are you in love with me? I'll bet you even want to marry me.

You're stealing my lines? I usually say that to all the girls!

But I won't tell you because I seriously want to marry you.

Are you crazy? I don't even know your name.

Righetti Arturo, 5th Alpini regiment, 2nd battalion.

Identification number 49152, military after university resistance

for having reached age limit.

- Rank? - SS. Simple soldier.

Not an officer, but a gentleman.

Too bad! I dreamed of becoming the French lieutenant's woman.

Oh, merde! Excuse me. I'd gotten a bit carried away.

I love you anyway, even if I don't know your name.

Susy, not military. On vacation with my parents. That's all.

- Does that seem little? - Very. Tomorrow we're going home.

Then we won't see each other again.

- I don't think so. - No...

- Well... Bye. - Uh... Thanks.

Wait a moment, Mantua!

- Wait! - What is it?

I'm from Mantua too.

- What do you say to that? - Maybe we'll see each other again.

- Bye, Mantua! - Maybe?

We'll absolutely see each other!

Hi. Is this the time to show up? You're a great friend!

Where were you? If you'd come earlier, you'd have met my wife.

Dad, it's like a dream, a beautiful dream.

I believe you. The organization is costing more than a Maserati!

It's a dual-turbo wedding. I hope that your animal is on this level.

- Stop calling him an animal. - May I ask you a question?

Of course he loves me. Or he wouldn't have bothered.

You realize what he did to find me? He just had a license plate.

Me too, when I was driving in the wrong direction.

The highway police found me with my license.

But today I'm not happily married with Brigadier La Quaglia.

Dad, when two people are in love, it's hard to explain.

In your case, I'll never be able to explain it.

When you fell in love with Mom...

Exactly! I can explain that even less.

Are you crazy? Think if she heard you!

What? She's always outside eavesdropping.

- Excuse me. - But Dad...

If you didn't want us to meet, you should've fixed the car better.

A factory flaw, damned factory! I didn't sue them

only because the insurance does not pay a damage like your Arturo.

Dad, please!

As Frank Sinatra says...

You are my only daughter. It's right that I worry.

Are you sure of what you're doing?

Of course I'm sure. You're sure too, come on!

Or you wouldn't have given us a new home. It's so beautiful!

- Greatest dad in the world. - Say it clearly.

You should've married me. You always said it as a child.

"I want to marry Dad!"

Yes, but when I grew up you were already married.

- Don't always remind me. - Gastone!

Listen to the hyena! Bye, love. I'm returning to the trench.

Bye. Here he is!

Simona. I must tell you something.

Yes, I know. Maybe I was a bit cruel.

Did you see Attilio in the street? He's capable of staying there,

and a truck will kill him. - Poor thing.

- We exaggerated. - I think so.

- Don't you feel the regret? - Look. I... Terribly!

Me too.

You don't know Attilio. He'd do any foolish thing.

Listen, Arturo. Don't get upset. Will you take me home?

I'll talk to Attilio and then return. Don't be angry, please.

- No. I wanted to say that. - Thank you.

- Wait for me. I'll be right back. - Sure.

Attilio?

Attilio?

Yes, hello?

Yes.

- Simona, it's Susy. - Susy?

I want to invite you to my wedding with Arturo.

- Who are you marrying? - Arturo. Are you listening?

My wedding with Arturo, tomorrow.

- What a son of a bitch! - I didn't think you'd get so upset.

Oh, no! Your marriage is for love, right?

Yes.

Then no need to worry. Your Arturo knows how to make love well.

You still think about him?

I'm not talking about old memories.

Today Arturo came here to freshen up my memory.

I'll tell you more clearly.

Arturo and I did it today, on the sofa of my home!

Best wishes!

I lucked out!

You can expect that from a guy who quits a volleyball game halfway.

What a beautiful gift!

Gastone, Arturo's parents are here.

- Good-day. - Madam!

- Sorry I'm late. - A family habit.

Is there something I should know?

No. What are you thinking? It was on sale.

In due time our son will know how to do his duty.

- I'm not marrying anymore! - What's wrong, sweetheart?

I'm not marrying anymore!

- Where did you find it? - Wolmer made it.

- It came out well. - It's a self-portrait.

Speech! Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech! Speech Speech! Speech!

Friends!

Brothers!

Mountain goats!

- I will be brief. - Don't be brief in the bedroom.

Mennea has spoken!

Friends, I repeat! Brothers!

Paolo, send me your gift. I haven't seen anything yet.

A gift? Traitor!

Susy! Susy! Fuck off! Susy! Susy! Fuck off!

- Friends! - Susy! Susy! Fuck off!

- Susy! Susy! Fuck off! - Friends! Brothers!

Who has a token? I haven't called my betrothed in 24 hours.

You didn't treat her very well tonight.

Give her a taste!

Watch out that you don't waste too much ammunition.

- What idiots! - Tomorrow's the landing in Normandy!

It is the longest day. You must strafe, shoot away.

Make us proud!

Don't worry. Think for yourself. "Squallor"!

"Horny!"

Reserves!

It's a good moment. He went to call. Let's go.

- Come, come. - Softly.

Silence.

Susy, love. I'm counting the minutes.

Quiet, be silent.

- Don't push. - Easy!

- My hand! - Take it away!

He's coming. Go!

Arturo? Arturo!

You're sleeping? Why don't you open it?

- What should I open? - The gift we have for you.

Ok, I know. Another dog. Is it a St. Bernard?

For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow!

Arturo's a jolly good fellow. Too bad he's a fag!

Best wishes, Arturo.

Bravo!

Dear Arturo, this is our stag night gift.

It's what you were dreaming of. She's yours.

I paid for a leg. It's my gift to you.

Thank you, but...

Arturo, why don't you help me get down?

Guys, what are we doing here? Let's go, and leave them alone.

Arturo!

Bye, Arturo!

Come on, little betrothed. Let's go.

- Where? - I don't know. Your place or mine?

To do what?

Can't you think of anything? I find myself original as a gift.

- It's not a joke. - I know. It's a big mess!

I don't want to steal you from your wife. I'll keep you in a cage

until tomorrow, and then goodbye. That's the program.

- Listen, tiger. - Rita.

Listen, Rita. There is a small change in plans.

Because I'm not marrying tomorrow anymore.

Even if the gift is original, and I mean original,

it's not valid anymore.

Sure. One gift this morning and one now.

Two gifts in one day are too many.

One was enough for my wife.

You see the stamp? She sent me away.

She was right.

It's one thing at night, but in the morning, it's serious.

I know. It's serious.

- Listen... Where are we going? - You should know!

Shall I leave you somewhere?

Yes, leave me here. I'll catch a taxi.

- What? I'll accompany you home. - And then?

And then... nothing. No offense.

Maybe if I marry someone else in a few years...

- I don't know. Let's keep in contact. - Someone else, who?

You are in love with your wife. Why waste time with me?

Kick me out of the car and go to her.

Throw yourself on the floor, pull out your hair!

- What'll I tell her? - That you love her.

- What if it's not enough? - Then she doesn't love you.

Bye, Arturo.

If you were getting married, would you have accepted the gift?

- No. - Why not?

You told me. I am in love with her.

Now I know. It would be serious, even at night.

If I see figurines on the cake tomorrow, I'll close an eye.

I made my concession. Now it's your turn.

Let me talk to Susy.

- You know. - I know.

Mr. Gastone, I owe you my life. You haven't killed me yet.

- I'm still in time. - I'm not armed.

At this point...

But I want one last chance. If you don't give it, I'll take it.

I want to try saving my marriage, or I'm not a man.

Please, let me be a man.

You were a man even too much this morning with that slut.

I know. It's really serious in the morning.

I was waiting for you. If you hadn't arrived, I'd have come.

You're getting married tomorrow. That's for sure!

Friend, I've 151 guests, two violinists,

an organ player, 4 altar boys, 8 cars, caviar and salmon.

It's all paid for. Clear?

Hi, Mom.

See what you did to her?

- Mrs. Nives, how's it going? - Where is Susy?

- She's locked up in the gifts room. - I'll break down the door.

Newlyweds must not see each other after midnight. It's bad luck.

Maybe it's just a useless worry.

- No, that's tradition. - Susy!

Are you mad? She doesn't know you're here. We must prepare her.

You're right. You tell her.

A little at a time, please. Easy.

Yes, yes. Susy?

Susy, sweetheart, you know who's here?

Arturo.

Pastamatic, the force of 100 arms. Aunt Adalgisa, 250,000 Lira.

I could've done that too! Susy?

Lagostina complete set. New kitchen ideas, Aunt Silvana, 700,000 Lira.

Video-recorder Hitachi, quick image search, our friend Pina.

- One million... - And somewhat more.

Maybe we should call an exorcist. Excuse me...

Gastone, you try. She'll only break one gift at a time with you.

Maybe it's better. Tell her... Tell her...

Pay attention. Repeat exactly.

- I love you. - And then?

And then... And then I'll think about it.

Love, are you calmer now?

Your Arturo says he loves you.

It's a small step ahead.

- Maybe she's finished the gifts. - No. There's still lots of stuff.

Try to avoid more bloodshed.

Sweetheart? Sweetheart, your Arturo

is lying here on the floor pulling his hair out.

He humbly asks forgiveness.

I was dragged. I was at a momentary loss.

How can I explain it to everyone? It's embarrassing. There are women.

Go, he needs to focus.

It was the last stupid thing of my life.

He swears eternal faithfulness. He says to try to understand.

Not justify, but understand.

It can happen to a man right before the wedding.

- Are you improvising? - Go on. Maybe this is it.

It's like when big soccer players at the end of their career

play their goodbye game. Like Pelé, Bobby Charlton.

- Beckenbauer. - Beckenbauer.

That's what. I played my goodbye game.

It was like closing an era, but now I've finished. I swear.

Dear, what Arturo says is true.

Now that I think of it, it happened to your father too!

I played a goodbye game before the wedding, also.

- What did you do? - The night before, at the car shop,

with a customer from Brescia. A quickie!

- Mantova-Brescia, a derby. - Bravo!

And yet all these years I've always loved and respected Mom.

This is for the love and this is for the respect!

Mrs. Nives, keep your hands off Kissinger!

They're both pigs. That's why you two get along.

Madam, calm down. These things can happen.

I too, the day before marrying,

betrayed my wife with a daily worker.

There was the harvest!

Now I see why on our honeymoon

you couldn't do it even once! - He didn't either!

- Susy, I hope I don't have problems. - Arturo!

No, Mom. Don't slap me.

Don't slap me. I'm not a child.

This goes for everyone. Even for you, Mr. Gastone.

Let's be mutually respectful. "Animal! I'll take you!"

Who do you want to take? I am not a puppet.

That is why I didn't want figurines on the cake.

You listen carefully too. Buried alive!

I am tired of being humiliated here for a half hour, begging you.

You don't say a word, and just distroy the wedding list.

Marry or not marry... You know what's up?

I'm not marrying anymore. Understand, Susy?

I won't get married!

Alambiccus, a distillery at home, 270,000 Lira, Uncle Igino.

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that!

I said not to look at me like that! Or I'll bust your face too!

You see her? She's a brunette who excites me like crazy.

Lilì Dupont, a French girl.

She asked me for 300,000 Lira.

She didn't ask for much.

I sent her to hell. Women are all the same.

Yes, women are all the same.

She's not the only one in the world.

It's like when you get evicted. At first you are upset,

but then with patience, you find another apartment.

You just have to look around.

Look. Apartment with a view and a big terrace.

She wants half a million.

- What do we say? - We'll send her to hell.

Non furnished penthouse.

For sale with tenants. We're not interested.

An apartment with blocked rent.

It will take 10 million to restructure it. It's not convenient.

Everyone stop! Very central, a big occasion, excellent exposure.

Large open surface. You need a mortgage.

Rita!

Why?

I've changed my mind.

- What does you want? - No, it's that...

Tomorrow I was to get married but it's too long to explain.

I'm not marrying anymore.

It was nice of you to remember me.

I wanted you to be the first to know.

- Well, you... - Thank you!

- And the gifts? - She took them all.

- Except for one. - Why? Is it still valid?

Not the stag night one. The goodbye marriage one.

My place or yours?

- My compliments! - Thank you.

- Bravo! - Thank you.

In this residence home anyone can come to your room,

but not a dog. Is it like that everywhere in Italy?

Not where dogs give tips, they even give them room service.

He hasn't eaten all day. Anything in the fridge?

Do you follow the Varese diet?

No. I only eat apples. I never invite anyone to dinner.

- Nor after dinner. - Yeah.

What is he doing? My cream!

- Not bad! - Cucumber.

Do you have other flavors?

This is carrot flavored. There's even cleansing milk.

Very good!

Mixed tastes. The fresh mixture is ready.

He's nice. What's his name?

I don't know. Max... Max Factor!

- Do you mind helping me? - Of course.

What...

- Will you unzip it? - Yes.

I'm sorry that you've already seen everything.

With you, it's always a sneak preview.

- I'll go take off my glitters. - Go, go.

- You have anything to drink? - Sambuca.

It's next to the apples.

The apples?

Apple Sambuca. Excellent!

I'll eat you later.

What happened?

A flash of lightning.

A flash of lightning...

Yes?

Hello?

- Is that you? - Yes.

Sorry. I dialed your number. What an idiot! It's habit.

- I'm sorry. Were you sleeping? - Yes, I was.

- I never do anything right. - Who were you calling at this hour?

I wanted to cancel the wakeup call, and sleep.

Now that you woke me up, I won't fall asleep anymore.

- Take a sleeping pill. - I took four.

When you take five, it's attempted suicide.

I'm glad you called me. I'd have called you.

I am going to that church tomorrow.

I'll wait even a week, even a month.

If you're not there by Christmas, I'll start losing hope.

I won't dump you, and won't let you dump me!

You know why? I am fantastic. I'm crazy about myself!

If you're willing to dump someone like me, you're a real idiot!

Excuse me, but... You did everything yourself.

You set up an almost-wedding with a license plate.

Now that you even know my blood type, you want to leave me?

You're right. I'm an idiot.

Did you know that a B positive and a O

can have beautiful children?

- I hope they look like you. - Like both of us.

As long as they don't look like your father.

Love, swear you won't hide anything again?

Yes, I swear. Susy, I'll start right now.

Now I am at a dancer's home. She's under the shower

removing glitters. - Really?

Know what I like about you? You just can't lie.

Don't cancel the wake up. Be at the wedding tomorrow morning.

- You hang up? - No, you hang up.

- No, you hang up. - No, you hang up.

Alright. I'll hang up.

- Hi. - Hi.

What is it? You're afraid of the dark?

Are you afraid of me?

I usually receive that look after, never before.

What does she have that I don't?

Sure. She's surely a good girl, the kind a man marries.

And then he cheats on her with her best friend or a dancer.

What should we do? See you when you return from your honeymoon?

It'll cost you something. You'll have to give me the gift.

You know what?

Give these back to your friends!

Or buy something for yourself.

Let's say it's my wedding gift.

Don't worry. Your marriage will work out.

You're likeable, sort of a coward, and just enough of a liar.

You're ready to trample over other people's feelings.

You'll be a perfect husband.

Disgusting! I'm making a big scene like a wife.

Rita, I had a horrible day. I am dead tired.

Are you sending me home or you'll let me sleep here?

Sleep here. Just don't make noise when you leave tomorrow.

I'm not marrying tomorrow, and want to sleep.

Fuck off, the usual nightmare.

Those 80 centimeter figurines... Yes, forget it. Put small ones.

Yes, the smallest. Thanks.

Holy Mary! It's late!

- Come on, Nives, or we'll be late. - Don't yell!

- Dad, you're still like this? - She's not coming out.

- You're still like this? - You've been in the bathroom an hour.

- If only Raquel Welch had come out. - Come on! If we are late,

we'll get the blame! - Of course!

Oh, Holy Mary. I'm getting married.

If I show up like this, I'm already divorcing.

"Instantaneous blond. Is removed with alcohol."

Darn it! Alright...

How do dancers shave?

Here. Depilzero.

You want coffee?

Sorry. Did I wake you?

- No. I wanted to wish you the best. - Thank you.

- You're getting married like this? - No. My suit is in the car.

Not enough. When you marry you need everything new or it brings bad luck.

Yes, it brings bad luck! All new!

Especially your underpants.

- Look there! - What a cutie!

Yes, I am Catherine Deneuve.

If I knew where he was getting married.

I don't think Arturo is coming.

If he doesn't come, I'll skin him alive.

Calm down. Let's not create suspicion.

When our daughter will say "I do" and nobody is next to her,

they'll begin to suspect.

Oh, Holy Mary.

I've become like Raffaella Carrà.

You can remove it with alcohol!

Faster! Hurry!

- You're getting married? - No, a friend. Maybe.

- I will scalp him. - Let's not do anything crazy.

The judge will see the banquet invoice

and will acquit me for self-defense.

Do you know where the Mantua Duomo is?

Follow us. Go!

Sorry I'm late, love.

Where're you going, animal? My daughter is there.

I made a mistake1

- Excuse me. - Keep your hands off my wife!

Sorry, love. There was traffic. Excuse me, everyone, if you can.

- You too, if you can. - What is this?

- You're not... - I swear! I did aerobics.

I'm going to have a heart attack, but I'm happy.

Because when you'll get kicked in the ass,

don't look around. It is my ghost.

Dad, don't die right now. Everything is going smoothly.

Hi, Uncle Igino. Are you happy that he came?

If it's your intention to unite in matrimony, take your right hand

and express, in front of God and the Church, your consent.

I, Susanna, take you, Arturo, as my spouse

and I promise to be forever faithful...

In joy and in sorrow, in health and in illness

and to love and honor you every day of my life.

I, Arturo, take you, Susanna, as my bride

and promise to be forever faithful,

in joy and in sorrow, in health and in illness

and to love your and honor you every day of my life.

- May I add something? - No, be quiet.

- Every night too. - Well!

You have declared your consent before God,

may He give you His blessing."

What God has joined men must not divide.

We are surrounded.

Your veil got stuck, Susy.

Simona, thank you for coming.

Thank you for inviting me.

Hi, Simona. How are you?

They put up another traffic light.

Did you do it?

Lord, bless the love of these newlyweds.

May the ring they will wear as a symbol of faithfulness

remind them to their mutual love. - Amen.

Arturo, Susanna, the rings.

Well, the rings?

- Where did you put the rings? - We're ruined.

Be a good boy. Go to your master.

Chaplain, backup is coming.

Women always cry at weddings.

- Even after. - Don't mention it.

- Do you have a handkerchief? - Yes.

- Here. - Thank you.

- Aren't you the ice-cream man? - Yes.

You are vanilla, pistachio and strawberry. Remember?

Yes. It was a long time ago.

- Are you married? - I was.

Me too. I don't remember your name.

Wolmer, with a "W".

Who gave me this dog?

Someone who loves you.

You!

Guys, I had a lot of affairs with women.

Salesgirls, students, wild nights.

I remember Wilma, Ester, Jole, Nadia and Betty.

I'm like the Juventus team, lots of championships won.

I say: "Hi, blondie. What're you doing tonight?"

She was just a tease. A serious chick.

But with a couple of remarks I solve the problem.

What can I do? I'm not handsome, but women like me.

What are you doing now?

I'm getting married!

You're crazy! What are you doing?

I'm getting married!

Are you crazy?

Go! Run to Marrakech!

Guys, she's got Raquel Welch's body!

We'll marry wearing jeans. The church is in the country

and then we'll go eat at the lasagna king's place.