Original subtitles

I'm Jane McDonald, and I'm feeling festive!

Have you got any idea how much I love cruising?

I love cruising!

And it's Christmas!

Back in the '90s, I always worked the season

on the ships as a singer...

It's fab!

..but nowadays I get to don a party hat...

I've got one for every day.

..and celebrate with 30 million other cruise addicts.

Woo!

In 2020, dreams of taking the Christmas cruise have become

just that - dreams.

Ooh!

So, why not do the next best thing?

Come cruising with me.

We're in reight Yorkshire now! Reight Yorkshire!

I'm revisiting two of my best festive trips to inspire

you for next year...

There's going to be Christmas. everything! And more Santas

than you can stuff up your chin!

BELLS JINGLE

..and revealing all the bits you never got to see before.

Santa's in the aquarium!

First up, I'm living a life of super luxury...

Hey, look at us on Captain's table.

I quite like it, don't you?

..on a fabulous festive river cruise up the Rhine...

Oh, my.

Oh! Just come in and have a look at this.

You feel like you've just walked into Christmas.

Look at that.

..and then my chums and I brave the cold...

SCREAMING

..as we discover the winter wonderland...

Woohoo!

..that is the Norwegian coast.

This is just stunning!

You don't see this every day, do you?

So, welcome aboard.

Next stop - Christmas cheer!

Come on!

Cologne, birthplace of eau du Cologne,

where my Rhine Christmas adventure

kicks off. And there's me ship.

I love Christmas cruising. Come on!

Oh, gosh! It's like Coronation Street, this bit, in't it?

I'm just wondering if they've got a chimney for Santa.

You never know, it might snow.

It might snow. Might be a white Christmas.

Ha! Let's hope it's a white Christmas.

I've booked onto a Christmas markets cruise, taking in the Rhine's

glorious sights with plenty of time for the shops.

The best bit - I get to travel in high-end luxury

on the S.S. Antoinette.

I feel really Christmassy!

Look! Gingerbread house.

It's bedecked with Brazilian marble

and Venetian glass, not that you can see it under all the decorations.

And someone else has trimmed it up.

It don't take you hours and a bottle of Baileys.

Everything here is a regal blend of comfort, luxury and style.

Very me.

Just remember, Jane. Cool and classy, cool and classy.

This is your suite. Thank you.

SHE WHEEZES

WHISPERING: You are going to love this!

Oh, my God!

It's like a flat.

It's like somebody's house.

Oh! There's a telly in me bed.

There's a telly here as well! So, it's so you can be sat

here, having your cup of coffee, and then you're a bit bored at view

and you just watch telly. We have a selection of spirits.

If you have any other request or other wishes,

you just need to let us know. We're going to be more than happy to...

That's good for starters. Do you want me to show you the bathroom?

Yes, please. Oh! Oh, wow!

Oh, my goodness me! Look at this.

Oh, I've got the floor heating again.

I mean, literally, you could just put a pillow down here and sleep

here cos it's that lovely.

Oh, look! I've got me extra toilet roll again.

I like an extra bog roll. Especially at Christmas.

Sorry.

Oh. Just smells so expensive!

Just smell that. SNIFFING

I actually could just spend the whole cruise in the bathroom

and I would be happy.

SHE GRUNTS

Instead of going into an old people's home, which I will

eventually do, I'm sure,

I should just sell up and just sail me days out on here.

What can we wish more?

A suite and a butler service for all your life.

Every room is different, but they all just reek of class.

You know when you go to some people's houses and they want

you to take your shoes off, you feel like you want to do

that on here because everything is so beautiful.

Oh! This one's got a chandelier.

Look at this. Come here!

I want one for me downstairs toilet,

and that would just be absolutely perfect.

There's three decks of delights...

Oh!

Oh, look at this!

Oh!

..including a floating cinema and a fully-equipped health club.

Didn't know this was here.

I haven't brought my cossie or anything.

While my butler does the unpacking for me,

let me tell you where we're headed.

Now, have I mentioned it's a Christmas cruise? We've got

cracking Christmas markets in Cologne,

Christmas crafts in Koblenz,

Christmas coffee in Rudesheim,

gorgeous gifts in Germersheim,

past Kehl, which is twinned with Lapland,

and finally, my first Christmas cruisemas glides to a graceful halt

in Basel, Switzerland.

Now, one of the best bits about river cruising is the ship

often moors in the heart of the city. Here in Cologne,

it's just a ten-minute walk to the cathedral and famous Christmas

market. As we don't cast off until morning, I have plenty of time

to soak up the atmosphere.

Look at it! I love this, all these lights!

It's just so twinkly everywhere you look.

Look!

In't it gorgeous?

You come out here and it's all lovely and festive, and you want

to take this bit of Christmas and put it in your cabin.

So, that's why I'm here.

SHE LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY

Little snow globes!

There's a bit of schnucki.

Schnucki. Yes. What is it?

It's chocolate, nuts and cherry.

Ooh. It's nice.

Oh, that is gorgeous!

No sugar, no eggs. It's oat milk, coconut...

No sugar? No.

Oh! Can I have a schnucki? Yes.

It tastes so good, I can't even tell you!

Thank you. Dankeschon. Dankeschon.

Bitte.

See, I like that. That's a healthy Christmas. I'm happy.

I don't feel bad now eating that with a cup of tea later.

Christmas markets have been a thing in Germany since the 1600s.

They were usually held around the town's church

to entice worshippers.

But they became so popular,

services sometimes got cancelled as the congregation

were too busy shopping.

Right, I need some trimmings.

But remember, whatever you buy,

you'll need to carry home again, so be mindful of your baggage

allowance if you've flown, or get the train!

Aw! If that were a little girl, I'd have that

because that'd be like my dad taking the tree, wouldn't it?

I mean, I just get so excited at Christmas.

I think because...

..I used to trim up with my dad all the time

and I think about him and I think, "Oh, he'd love this." You know?

Thank you very much. Danke.

Tschuss. Tschuss.

I've just heard somebody say "tschuss" and I thought that must

mean bye-bye. And I've just said it and she said tschuss back,

so I'm quite excited.

I'm getting the lingo.

To start the trip in style, the captain is hosting

a formal dinner.

Ladies and gentlemen, cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Check your itinerary before you pack, as on some cruises,

if you're not dressed correctly,

you may not be allowed out of your cabin.

Although, that's not a problem I generally have.

I'm just one of them people who like to get dressed up.

Hello, how are you?

I'm fine. Are you ready for dinner? I am.

Look at these two gorgeous boys!

I am a very lucky lady.

Hello!

DINERS CHATTER

Oh!

The red, please. Thank you.

A bit like the main course, you have both.

OK, then. I'll have both!

Well, why not make the most of it as all the wine and beer with my meal

is covered, as everyone is full board.

There's grilled scallops

and roast turkey with all the trimmings, delivered with five

star service.

Great food.

Unbelievable food!

That food is, I mean, it's just...

You know, it's the whole,

it's the whole experience, isn't it?

And the company is both delightful and easy on the eye!

You're very young for a captain.

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm 44. 44?

34. Oh, 34!

I was going to say, you look unbelievably well for 44! No!

He's gorgeous.

So what sort of music do you like?

DINERS' CHATTER DROWNS SPEECH

Yeah.

Everybody's having dinner. Uh-huh.

So are you going to sing for us, this cruise?

Yeah. Oh, go on! Yeah, well...

We will sing. Yeah, please do!

CHATTER DROWNS SPEECH

Yeah. Well, hey, listen,

so am I.

So if I want to hear you, I have to come in the shower?

Coming up... my dream of a white Christmas comes true.

Oh! Look at that!

Yeah!

And the Christmas party I've waited all year for!

CHEERING

I've packed up my case and have sneaked away with Santa

for a Christmas cruise down the Rhine.

It's day two, and auf wiedersehen, Cologne, as we set sail to Koblenz

on the SS Antoinette.

There's space for around 160 guests

in the 76 bedrooms,

all with river views, and some can even fully open

to the elements.

But only one currently features a festive McDonald!

Hello, everyone.

It's me favourite bit.

It's the selfie!

Well, it's camera on a stick.

Right. Come on, let's go and show the ship.

There are more than 80 staff,

including three butlers on board the Antoinette.

It doesn't matter what cruise you're on or how big

or small the ship, in the end, how much you enjoy it

comes down to how good the staff are.

And here, they can't do enough to help.

Hello. Hi!

Look at this. Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!

Yeah.

I'm just going to have a photo taken.

Right. Thank you very much. Thank you.

The bar.

Oh, look at this!

It's like the floating Ritz!

It's very classy.

I don't know how they've let me on, to be honest.

Decorated in the rococo style across three decks,

the lobby, with its ten foot chandelier,

acts as a central hub, making navigation around the ship easy,

although there's always little surprises to be discovered.

Oh, fitness. On Earth am I doing here?

DOOR SQUEAKS

Hey, that was the door, not me hips!

SHE CHORTLES

Oh, this ain't right, is it?

MACHINE THRUMS

I should crack on as we've arrived in Koblenz and it's snowing.

It could have fallen off the front of a Christmas tin of biscuits.

It's SO pretty!

My fellow passengers are getting bundled up to explore Germany's wine

region, but that's not the only craft Koblenz specialise in.

Baby, it's cold outside!

Hello!

Nanook of the North has arrived.

Shopping, shopping, shopping.

I'm doing Jane's DIY Christmas today, so I'm making

all little things because I think, you know, we used to make

everything, didn't we, when we were younger. DIY Jane,

Christmas, perfect.

Germany. My friend Sonia from the ship.

Come on.

Although Koblenz Christmas market may feel more magical in the dark,

if you visit during the day, you can see the craftspeople

making their wares and if you're lucky, you may even get

to have a go yourself.

This is obviously for the captain.

JANE CHORTLES

You can have your postcard made.

Yay!

BELL TOLLS

In December, the windows of the town transform

into a giant advent calendar.

And that's not the only thing that sparkles in this town.

These are very beautiful.

I like that one.

That's really nice. Ah-ha!

Makes it from the molten glass that he has in the oven.

Yeah. Can we make one like this?

Many of our Christmas traditions were introduced to the UK

in the Victorian period from Prince Albert's native Germany.

And baubles are no exception.

Thank you.

Oh, this is... Jane...

Yes?

HE CHATS IN GERMAN

Yeah, you want me to... A little bit of the white, erm...

Powder. OK.

Now it might look like sugar, but this granulated glass

will create my bauble pattern.

Now all I need is the molten glass, which has been heated

to 1,100 degrees.

So best be careful I don't burn me chestnuts off!

Oh! Ya-ya-ya-ya.

OK. OK. Yeah.

Right. Right.

The first bauble was created in the 16th century in the German

alpine town of Lauscha.

Well, there weren't much to do up in the mountains back

in them days.

And this is going to be a bauble?

Yeah. Bauble. Yeah?

Oh, oh, gosh.

There's a reason I'm a singer, not a trombonist.

HE CHATS IN GERMAN

It's like a breathalyser.

Ey up... we're in again.

It's a juggle to keep the glass hot enough to work

whilst maintaining its shape.

Originally, they were made to look like nuts and fruit,

which for a tree decoration, actually makes a lot more sense.

HE CONVERSES IN GERMAN

Stop. Stop. Stop and listen. Again? Ya.

HE CONVERSES IN GERMAN

Oh! Look at that! Ya!

Ooh, that's hot.

Once that cools, it's going on my tree.

That's amazing.

Thank you!

Singer's lungs.

I'm loving all these fab towns and villages

I'd never know about if I wasn't on this cruise.

Next stop, Rudesheim.

Now, this place...

BELL RINGS

Any minute now...

BELL RINGING CONTINUES

..I'm going to tell you what we're doing.

BELL RINGING CEASES

Now, we're here today because there's a very, very special

traditional drink called Rudesheim slosh.

Slosh?

BELL RINGS

Rudes...

SONIA PROMPTS PRONUNCIATION

Rudesheim slosh... what?

Rudesheim... Slos...

JANE ATTEMPTS PRONUNCIATION

We're in Germany this morning...

However you say it, it's a local festive speciality and it involves

coffee, cream and brandy.

Chances are, I'll be Rudesheim sloshed!

So a few of me friends off the cruise have promised

to look after me.

What are we having, girls?

We're going to have this. Oh!

The hot one. Ummm!

Are you all having Rudesheim coffee?

Yes, please. Oh, fantastic.

So it's a traditional coffee, is it,

with a load of brandy in it, basically? With a load of brandy.

Fantastic! Oh, yes. And you light it on fire.

Really? Yeah. Yes.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow! Yeah.

There's sugar in there as well,

so flaming the brandy makes the sugar caramelise, which makes

the coffee super tasty.

Cheers! Merry Christmas, everyone.

Oh, that is... Wow! Exactly.

Wow!

This is good.

Wow! That's it!

Crikey! Stronger than I thought.

Luckily, the Rhine is the second longest river in Europe, meaning

I've plenty of time to sober up.

It flows through not just Germany and Switzerland, but France,

Liechtenstein, Austria and the Netherlands.

GUESTS CHATTER

And at the special seasonal dinner,

Chef Michael is preparing festive

dishes from all the countries we visit.

THEY TOAST

GLASS TINKLES

Oh, hello! Chef has something to say.

So this is a little bit of the traditional German

Christmas food is with the potato dumplings.

The beef roulade we stuff with bacon, onion

and a little bit of gherkins and of course, the nice sausages.

It's all completely delicious.

But what's missing, if you ask me, is a bit of Britmas.

So I brought it with me.

Let's just say the international passengers seem to find the crackers

a bit challenging.

No, no, just pull it.

Just pull it. Oh!

OK, yeah. One, two, three.

CHEERING

In the United Kingdom, we expect everybody to know

what to do with a cracker.

I mean, you can buy them, but it's not an American thing.

They were doing it themselves.

They were pulling a cracker like that,

which actually isn't a bad thing, cos you can get the prize.

I got a key chain! I got nails!

Maybe we're doing it wrong in England, I don't know.

Maybe we're doing it... We've been doing it wrong for years.

Maybe you are supposed to just do that and not that.

Oh, look! How cute!

THEY LAUGH

Coming up, I develop a strange new addiction...

Five past ten in the morning, I'm drinking vinegar!

..and I meet a man with a lot to boast about.

Johann has just admitted he's the only person

with balls this big.

That's right. Yeah. THEY GIGGLE

A cruise like this doesn't half take the stress

out of Christmas shopping. You sail from town to town

in complete luxury,

and you don't even have to worry about finding a parking space.

We've now travelled nearly 300 miles upriver and have arrived

at the port of Germersheim.

As it's on the borders of the famous Rhine Valley wine region, my friends

and I are off on the complementary cruise excursion

to the local vineyard.

So good morning, everybody.

It looks like some sort of Rhineland mulled wine.

I can't wait to get tasting.

It's a pleasure to have you here, yeah?

And I want to show you how we make vinegar. Vinegar?

And apparently, vineyard owner George wants us to get dressed up

like the kids at Hogwarts...

Thank you very much. ..to go down to the cellars.

I say!

Getting dressed up to go and taste vinegar.

This is what's worrying me.

As long as we don't have to wear one of them.

Mm, I don't know. Are we supposed to do this?

Thank you very much.

So we went now to the basement.

Please take care.

I'm not completely sure I should be going into a German geezer's cellar.

I might not come back.

George really loves his job.

I like that in a man.

The smell of vinegar now. Mmm!

It's good. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Oh, wow.

It's, um, it's very dark in here.

You've just blown your candle out. Oh, sugar!

We go to the next room.

We have a wonderful air, so please, inhale.

There's all sorts in George's vinegars,

but no wiggentree bark or flobberworm mucus.

SHE SNIFFS

And this is how you waft like a pro. You smell? Mm.

The famous rose perfumes coming through...

Chandelier.

Chandelier!

Roses in the Middle Age was not a perfume.

Roses is a medicine.

Now, we went upstairs again and we make it vinegar tasting now.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

Traditionally, vinegar was fermented and taken for good health,

a practice which has recently come back into fashion

with the rise of kombucha.

Hello. Hello. Let's go downstairs again. Thank you.

Watch the first step. OK.

Oh, it's like church, isn't it?

Yes. I had no idea that it was inhaled

to stop bacteria and disease.

Good for your digestion as well.

Forget the Gaviscon.

Get some vinegar down your neck.

Thank you.

This is, shall we say, the Rolls-Royce of vinegars.

Oh, that smells gorgeous!

You could use it on your chips or salad,

but really, it's good enough to drink.

Now you feel it, real warm, going through your stomach, yeah?

Apparently, George designed these glasses himself.

Just one problem, they should be a lot bigger, if you ask me.

Oh, that's...

Try that. That's amazing.

Five past ten in the morning, I'm drinking vinegar!

So now we taste the second ones.

Green tea, Longjing, dragon well. Emperor of love...

Hello!

Completely different.

Right. Now we have an old recipe, founded in Venice.

Half-past ten in the morning, I'm on my fifth glass of vinegar.

Do you want to drink one more? No problem at all.

We have 45 different vinegars, Oh, my God!

Tra-la-la! Tra-la-la! THEY LAUGH

If you want, we have...

I feel like I've been cleansed. Yeah, in more ways than one!

Mm, yeah. Just, you know...

Chatting away, I've got my souvenirs.

I can't even lift it up because it's that heavy.

There goes me baggage allowance again.

That's probably one of the best experiences I've ever had

on a ship was being in that room, in that environment,

tasting that amazing vinegar.

And this is something I will never, ever forget,

in this little place in Germany.

Speaking of which, I've got to get back on the bus. See you!

The thing about cruises is they end too quickly.

We're on our last leg now, having bid Germany farewell

and heading into Basel, Switzerland.

Oh, wow, look at the swans.

What a good way that is. Look at that.

That's... Oh, that pigeon, that, oh...

No, no, he's moved.

There are four of these historic ferries still in operation.

But to get a real sense of the city, I've been told

I need to get up high.

Nearly there!

Oh, wow.

It is worth it

to just see that. Strasbourg.

No, it isn't!

Where are we? Basel!

Ha! Erm...

..Basel, Switzerland.

If it's pretty from a distance, it's stunning close up, like walking

into a Christmas card. The people are friendly, the buildings

are dusted in snow, and it's home to one of the world's

most famous festive stores.

This shop is like Harrods.

It is the ultimate upmarket, expensive,

very expensive Christmas shop.

And you can't come to Basel in December and not visit.

Oh, my!

Oh, just come in and have a look at this.

You feel like you've just walked into Christmas.

Look at that.

The fellow who owns the place is Johann Warner,

internationally famous for his Christmas balls.

Hello... Oh, hello! Hello, I'll show you... Please do. Let's do...

Show me the wonders of Christmas. Yeah.

Royalty, rock stars and even US presidents are all Johann fans.

He's dressed trees at the White House

and the Prince's Palace in Monaco,

and his decorations are on a regal scale.

This is the biggest ball, which is 60 centimetres.

Good grief! Yeah. There's only you that have these big balls? Yeah.

Johann... Yes.

..has just admitted he's the only person with balls this big.

That's right. THEY LAUGH

Johann really loves Christmas.

And his shop is overwhelming, inspiring and full of love.

You feel like a seven-year-old. I think...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still living on this children's island.

Yeah. You know, when I decorate, I put my things out of the boxes

and then they start to tell me stories.

I have still ornaments from when I was four or five years old.

Wow. The trimming up of the tree,

for me, it's something I used to do with my father. OK.

And I still traditionally do it every single year as me

and my father would have done it. Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Lovely to meet you. Have a nice day here in Basel. Come here.

You're a darling. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Well, I feel quite humbled by that.

He's just the absolute epitome of Christmas.

We've all got an ornament at home,

which is the most ugly thing you've ever seen

that we've all made.

But it's carefully wrapped up in tissue every year and put back,

because as soon as you open it the following year,

all those memories come back

of all the people that were surrounding you when you made that

all those years ago.

And that's what this shop's all about.

It's all about nostalgia, about memories, and about the love

of people that are no longer with us.

It's the final night for me and my new friends on the cruise,

and Christmas has come early as the captain has agreed to sing.

Unfortunately, it's not in the shower, but you never get

everything you've asked for.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year

# We want some figgy pudding We want some figgy pudding

# We want some figgy pudding Please bring it right here

# Glad tidings we bring To you and your kin

# Glad tidings for Christmas and a happy New Year. #

APPLAUSE

What a cracker of a cruise!

It's been a big bundle of all my favourite bits of Christmas

wrapped up into a boat-shaped box.

I'm feeling a carol of my own coming on.

# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin mother and child

# Holy infant, so tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Silent night

# Holy night

# Son of God

# Love's pure light

# Radiant beams from Thy holy face

# With the dawn of redeeming grace

# Jesus, Lord at Thy birth

# Jesus, Lord at Thy birth. #

Still to come, I head towards Santa's homeland,

sailing into the Arctic on a Norwegian postal boat...

Just gets better, doesn't it, this?

..discover one of the world's biggest gingerbread cities...

You can smell the gingerbread.

Uh-huh. Wow!

..and meet the big fella himself, but not where I was expecting.

Santa's in the aquarium!

For my second Christmas cruise, I'm headed to Norway.

It's just under 780 miles from Basel to Bergen, or a 24-hour drive,

if you fancy the road trip.

It's Christmas! Me favourite time of year. I flippin' love it!

I'm here to explore Norway's dramatic coast.

From Bergen, we make a couple of quick pit stops at Alesund

and Trondheim, before officially entering the Arctic Circle,

near Stamsund.

We'll then venture further north to picturesque Tromso,

continue up the coast via Honningsvag,

and conclude our Christmas cruise

in the winter wonderland of Kirkenes.

Embarkation doesn't begin until this afternoon, so I've got

a couple of hours to go exploring the capital of the fjords.

Got me map. I'm off.

Top of my Christmas to-do list is to visit Bergen's

incredible gingerbread city.

I've been told it's one of the biggest in the world and opens

just for the festive season.

If only I could find it.

I need to be...

I don't know where I need to be!

Do you speak English? No.

Do you know where the gingerbread...? No, you don't, no.

Gingerbread? No. Thank you.

I think it's this way.

Excuse me? I'm lost.

I'm looking for the gingerbread city. Um, what?

About here?

Um, I don't know this. You don't know it?

Well, thank you, anyway.

I'm in the middle of the road.

Right...

I've now gone on to modern technology

because I can't make head nor tail of this.

I don't think it's real.

Central baths. It's on here. I've made it.

Hi. Hi. Can I see the...

..the gingerbread city? The Pepperkakebyen, yeah?

Yeah, the what? The Pepperkakebyen. The papa...

Papa-kooky-ban? Yeah. The world's largest gingerbread city.

Is it? Is that how you say it? Papa-kooky...

Pepperkakebyen. Yeah?

Yeah. I'll take your word for it.

Steinar here baked and built the original Gingerbread City in 1991.

He just had a few hundred exhibits then, but every year, it's grown

and grown, and this year, there's more than 2,000 of them.

You can smell the gingerbread.

Uh-huh.

Wow!

Every piece, including miniature houses, churches, cars, trees

and people are made from gingerbread.

and the exhibition's raised nearly £1 million for charity.

Who makes it all? Around 10,000 people makes the city.

with their baking and decorating and so on.

Look at it. It's beautiful. Yes.

This is a big thing for the children and the parents to start Christmas?

Yeah. This is a tradition.

There's no Christmas without the gingerbread city. No!

Fantastic. Well, I've been baking, Steinar...

Oh! ..and I've baked few myself. Yeah.

Is that all right? Of course.

These are JANE-gerbread people.

Yeah, I can see. They're great, look.

We've got a little Jane-gerbread person there.

I got the perfect place for you to go.

Really? Come on. Oh, right.

Inspired by the tale of Hansel and Gretel, the first gingerbread

houses were baked in Germany in the early 1800s.

When the idea merged with the Scandinavian practice

of spiced biscuits at Christmas, a new festive tradition was born.

Where's this...? Not on a train track or anything, is it? No.

We're going to a music festival. Oh, yeah! Oh!

Dragefjellet Minifestival.

Oh, I'm a bit, a bit big, aren't I?

Spice Girls. Yeah, Spice Girls. Actually, yeah.

I like it. Yeah.

Just call me Gingerbread Spice from now on.

There we are, figures of me everywhere.

Thank you so much for letting me come here.

It's absolutely beautiful.

It's a chilly three degrees in the daytime, but it gets dark

and colder by mid-afternoon here in December.

I don't want to get lost again, so I'm heading straight to the harbour.

Right. Here we go.

Right, I go up here, then. Boarding.

This is the exciting bit!

Not only, not only am I going on a cruise...

..it's Christmas!

And I'll be spending it on the MS Polarlys.

Not a five-star luxury cruise ship,

in fact, she's a working mail boat that gets to Norway's

hard-to-reach remote coastal communities.

This is an expedition cruise for the adventurous,

but with all the warmth and comforts of a high-end ski lodge.

Here we go.

548. Ooh!

Right, let's go.

Oh! Oh, this is lovely.

Look at this!

Come on, I've got to do this.

Ooh, it's high! SHE LAUGHS

I need a ladder.

Now, I love the fact they put two duvets on every bed.

And I think that's a really good idea

because I've got one duvet at home

for me and Ed, and he's all night tugging away

because I've got the whole duvet to myself.

It looks cosy, and you want cosy.

I also need lots of warm clothes and space to store them.

I might need a few more hangers than that. Blimey.

I can't shut the... HANGERS CRASH

SHE LAUGHS

There's 216 cabins on board, along with a bakery, ice cream bar,

sauna and fitness room, and up on deck, there's two hot tubs

and a bar. Yay!

Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Cheers! Thank you very much.

Aw!

Just gets better, doesn't it, this?

All my fellow passengers, ready to wave goodbye to Bergen.

Hello. Hello. Oh, Yorkshire accent! Yorkshire accent.

Was that a Yorkshire accent? Yes.

Oh, hello, I'm Jane.

Cheers, cheers. You're...? Mike. Mike.

Brenda. Brenda. Brenda and Mike.

So what brings you here, then?

See the Lights. The Northern Lights, yeah.

Have you ever seen them in Yorkshire? No.

I have. Have you? Yeah. Have you seen them in Yorkshire? Yeah.

Do you know, we've got everything in Yorkshire! Yeah!

So you're home for Christmas? Yeah.

I mean, it's lovely to come and see snow and get all festive

and fabulous and then go home and eat your own body weight.

I think there's nowt wrong with that, Brenda, is there?

There's definitely nowt wrong with that, love.

We're bonding. We're going reet Yorkshire! Reet Yorkshire!

THEY LAUGH

Everybody's freezing our chestnuts off!

But it's worth it, and hopefully, if we see

the Northern Lights, you know, they'll ring you up, say,

"The Northern Lights are on."

Well, they don't just switch on, they, you know,

they appear from nature.

This cruise is utterly unique.

Being a working boat means you're as likely to befriend

some Norwegians travelling home for Christmas as mingle

with fellow tourists.

But that doesn't mean it's missing those special holiday treats.

So now we're going to have some aquavit. OK.

This is the north Norwegian one. Mm-hm.

And it's one of my favourites. This is like a five years old aquavit,

from sherry barrels.

It's called the North Norwegian Aquavit.

OK. Thank you very much.

Cheers. And enjoy.

Much like I enjoy an eggnog back home,

this tipple is an essential Norwegian Christmas tradition.

Cor!

Whilst I slept off the aquavit, the Polarlys has been busy calling

into all the local harbours, many places I'd never normally

think of visiting.

So I've seized the chance in Alesund,

fishing capital of Norway.

I've made the most of the ship's tour desk... Here I go.

..to book onto an excursion.

I feel like breaking into We FISH You A Merry Christmas.

I wonder if there's any complementary snacks.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

There you go. Don't eat them.

Don't eat...? Oh, I was going to say, we don't eat them? No.

That's all right, then! It's fish food.

I was thinking, "Nice prawn."

More than three quarters of Norway's territory lies beneath the waves,

and my new chum Bridget has promised to introduce me to some

of the locals, while staying dry.

They're very, very lively.

WATER SPLASHES

Chips and batter and mushy peas!

Don't behave, you're going home with me.

You like fish and chips? Love fish and chips.

Do you know that most of the fish and chips you eat

in England comes from our fish? Really? Yes.

We have nearly two million kilo from Norway...

Goes to England. ..going to fish markets there.

Oh, the UK? Especially the cod. Uh-huh.

Yeah, we love cod. There is one, you see?

That's cod. For the fish and chips, that's the fish.

WATER SPLASHES Oh, you little sod-pot!

It just got me. It's wet me through.

Did you see that?

Cod is prized in these parts, too,

being traditionally served as part of the Christmas feast

in south Norway, whilst in the north, it's halibut on the menu,

although I can't see any of these reaching the kitchen

any time soon, as they have a rather special friend looking after them.

MUSIC: Jingle Bells

Oh, look at that.

The big man is such a fan of the fish, he comes here and lends

a hand every day in December, making this a great thing to do

if you're travelling with kids

or if you're just a big kid at heart.

Santa's in the aquarium, feeding fish!

And I realise how little I know about fish, unless it's in batter.

Could I meet Santa? Can I meet him? Yes. Really, yeah.

Oh, would he allow me to meet him? I have the key. Oh!

Right, OK. Yes. Right. Let's go meet Santa.

I've got a list. I've got so many things to ask him.

Santa, come over here!

I'm not sure what he's got left in his sack, but I've got a lot

less squid and a lot more sequins on my Christmas list.

Voila! Hello!

Hello, Santa. You're a very busy man. I am...

You are. ..at this time of year.

There's just... There are just one or two things

that I'd really like, Santa. And I'm going to whisper what I...

Is that OK? Yeah, it's OK.

Wahey! I can't believe he's going to get that down my chimney.

See you later. Bye, Santa. Bye!

But I'd better leave Father Christmas to get back to his cod

as the boat is casting off again and I want a proper nosey around.

Now, I love OTT Christmas decorations, and you can probably

see mine at home from space, but the Norwegians are a bit

more classy and subtle.

Look at the size of this tree.

So it goes from there...

..all the way up to there.

It's a big 'un. There are three restaurants on this ship

and everyone's full board,

so you can have whatever you like for Christmas dinner,

including all the Norwegian specialities.

Mmm!

These are alive.

Now, that's what you call fresh crabs. Wow.

As for Christmas sweets, here's another local delicacy.

We've got...

Ooh, stockfish.

Would you have stockfish ice cream?

Is this stockfish good? Yes. Are you sure? It's special, very special.

It's vanilla with dried cod. Very popular, that.

Mm, it's not bad, is it?

It doesn't taste like fish.

One of the best things about this ship is that it's designed

to make the most of the breathtaking views.

Who needs TV when you can just do this instead?

Oh, gosh, look at this!

Oh, wow!

Somebody looks like they've got a cup of tea, here.

Are you from England? Yes. Oh, hi. I'm Jane. Amanda. Amanda. Martin.

Martin. I'll just perch here.

Have you done this cruise before?

This is the fourth time. Fourth? Yes.

So what is it that keeps you coming back to this one?

The beautiful scenery. There you go.

It is pretty spectacular. It changes every time.

Half of the trip was free this time.

And why is that? We didn't see the Northern Lights last year.

So they let you come on if you don't see...? Half of it.

If the captain agrees... Didn't see them. ..half the trip.

Oh, well, half of me doesn't want to see them now!

I'll come and do it all again. Yes. Exactly.

You think we will see them, though? When you get further north, yeah.

Oh, I bet that's quite magical.

It is. Hey. What? I'll tell you a good place to see it. Go on.

It's in the hot tub at the back. You little tinker!

You had me, then. I were nearly stripping off to my pants and bra.

THEY LAUGH

Seriously. I wouldn't go in that for a gold pig. Yes.

Well, maybe in mid-July, but not in this weather.

SHE SQUEALS

It's stuck in my hair!

I think I'll give this to somebody else.

Um, it's very wet out here,

but it says here...

..that to mark this momentous occasion

of crossing the Arctic Circle,

any ship must pay their respects to Neptune, the god of the seas.

A force of nature like the sea, you should always respect,

and I've seen The Little Mermaid, people live under there. Come on.

Ooh!

It's definitely winter here.

Look at this, wow!

In case you're wondering,

the Arctic Circle is an invisible line in the northern hemisphere,

which splits Norway in two. Above the line, the sun shines

24 hours a day in summer, but hardly bother to come out

at all in winter, unlike my fellow passengers.

Oh, it's very busy up here.

But, you know, it's a big thing to happen, when you cross

the Arctic Circle on a ship.

There has to be a ceremony.

So, ladies gentlemen, welcome to our Arctic Circle ceremony.

On this ship, King Neptune likes to make an appearance

once he's had an invite.

Three, two, one.

ALL: King Neptune!

Neptune, known as Neptun in these parts, is the ancient god

of the sea and has lived underwater for thousands of years.

No wonder he looks like it could do with a bit of conditioner.

I don't like the look of this, really,

cos it's got ice water involved.

The exact time when we crossed the Arctic Circle this morning

was at 7:35 and 56 seconds.

CHEERING

Guessing the time of the Arctic crossing is also an onboard custom,

and the person who guesses the nearest wins a special prize.

Congratulations.

What you win is being the first to get baptised! Oh!

WOMAN SQUEALS

Not my idea of a prize, I have to say, but amazingly,

lots of passengers are queuing up for it.

And when it comes to the crew, old Neptune doesn't mess about.

THEY SCREAM

Ooh, best leave them all to it.

SHE MOUTHS

Coming up, Christmas carols at the Arctic cathedral

strike a chord...

Oh, sorry!

..and Christmas lunch, Viking-style.

Ooh!

I'm more than halfway through my second Christmas cruise, exploring

some of Norway's 63,000 miles of spectacular coastline.

Well, this is definitely 50 Shades Of Grey, but when you see

these amazing mountains with the snow on, it's the type

of scenery that makes you think how amazing nature is.

This is just stunning. You don't see this every day, do you?

Servicing Norway's remote communities means this cruise calls

at 34 ports. With excursions offered at many,

there are trips to interest everyone, booked on the ship

or, if you're organised, online before you cruise.

We're now approaching the Lofoten Islands,

where the revelries are said to be epic.

So me chums and I are venturing ashore to an evening

of dinner and dancing.

Thank you very much. There you go.

Right. Good evening!

My name is Sigurd and I'm the brother of Othil.

When they said epic, I wasn't thinking Norse mythology.

Welcome to Lofoten.

Good thing my pals have come.

We could be going into anything here!

We're gathered in this ancient bungalow, I mean, long house,

to experience a Yule feast, Viking-style.

Welcome, good people.

Sigurd? Yes. Bring this bowl of ale out to grace our ancestors.

The sacrifice can begin.

DRUMS BEAT

THEY CHANT

Are we allowed to drink this yet?

CHANTING CONTINUES

HE SPEAKS NORWEGIAN

To keep on good terms with their gods,

the Vikings often sacrificed and ate their animals, believing

they'd be rewarded with good weather, fertility and strength.

But that doesn't explain why they keep taunting me with the booze.

I'm parched!

Ladies and lords! Ey up, there's somebody else. Come on.

Oh, thank God for that! Best bit.

You good people, skal! ALL: Skal!

Oh, well, it's not Babycham. This is mead, Vikings' favourite tipple,

made with honey, water and a few spices thrown in.

Well, you can't go pillaging on a pina colada.

It's rather pleasant.

We can start the sacrificial feast.

Bless you!

Taste, it's good.

Traditionally, horses and even humans would be sacrificed.

She keels over, we're not eating!

But it turns out it was safe.

The meal's made up of lamb, root veg, berries

and a good chunk of bread.

I think I've got this Viking thing down.

To the lady of the house!

Skal! Oh, sorry.

Skal again. I'm skal-ing.

Maybe not.

I'm tucking in with Brenda and Mike, who I met at sail-away.

Is this what you thought a Viking meal would be?

Not as much meat as this. You've got a full lamb to yourself!

Good evening. Hi! It's everything OK?

It's delicious. Yes?

It tastes like our Christmas dinner.

This isn't Christmas here.

This is Yule, a midwinter feast connected with the return of summer.

It is a celebration. It's a celebration. Yes.

And your mead, that is very good.

Drinking was a big part of Yule, particularly beer.

Laws were introduced that made it a punishable offence

not to brew beer for Christmas.

I think that's a very, very good law.

I'll drink to that. Skal. Skal. Yeah. Skal.

Apparently, the Vikings also liked a good knees-up.

Please, we want to invite you to join us in a dance

around the fireplace.

But it'd take a big lad to prise me away from me dinner.

Just one more. Yeah.

Ah. Come on! OK.

THEY SING IN NORWEGIAN

Well, it's not quite Slade, but if Cliff Richard did a cover,

I can see it reaching Christmas number one.

SINGING CONTINUES

THEY CHEER

I've had an absolute ball.

I could have stayed here all night and got absolutely...

Really happy!

They try and scare you away, the Vikings,

but they have hearts of gold and they know hot to have a great time.

Cheers!

Mm... Skal!

Oops! So, we're coming into Tromso.

And the interweb says it's the third largest city

in the Arctic Circle and it benefits

from the Arctic Gulf Stream.

So this city is warmer than most places in the area.

You could have fooled me!

One building dominates the town's skyline, and that's

the Tromsdalen Church, more commonly known

as the Arctic Cathedral. And that's where we're heading

for some Christmas music and singing.

The cathedral is actually in the distance, there.

It looks lovely, doesn't it? Magical.

I just want to remind you all as well,

this is quarter past two in the afternoon.

It looks like night.

But there's one thing, you get your real wear

out of all your Christmas lights, don't you, because it's dark. Ey up.

That's the anchor going down,

and I think that's my cue to go and get off.

Look at how pretty it all is. Oh, gosh, it's lovely.

The cruise line's laid on a coach for us all,

a 15-minute drive across the Tromso Bridge from the dock.

And Pat and John have joined me for the ride.

What I'm really looking forward to, hearing some Christmas carols,

now. Right. Yeah. I think this is the thing that's really going

to get me... Gets you in the spirit. Yeah.

I go to the church at home... Do you? ..and they have

Christmas carols on. Aw. It's absolutely gorgeous.

It's just lovely, hearing Christmas music, isn't it? Yeah.

And I can't imagine a more striking venue.

True, it may look like a giant Toblerone to me,

but to more sophisticated eyes,

this is a masterpiece of modern Norwegian architecture.

It's lovely, isn't it?

It's also less than a fiver to get in, so there's no excuse

not to come.

Right. Oof! Come on, you need to get some strength in those arms.

And as for the acoustics...

SINGING ECHOES

Harald's been singing here since he was nine.

He's now the choirmaster, and I can easily understand why.

SINGING CONTINUES

For me, Christmas is about friends and family, those you love

and those you've lost.

Oh! THEY CLAP

Oh, dear, let's go up and say hello. Thank you. I'm Jane.

Thank you. I'm Harald. Oh, Harald. Nice.

So nice to meet you. Thank you for that.

Nice to meet you, too. It's a bit emotional!

So I'm crying, just like I thought I would.

Oh, sorry.

How beautiful.

And the acoustics are just perfect for your voice here.

Thank you. It's just such great...

I'm still crying. I'm so sorry!

That's emotional, hearing that.

It's a Christmas carol. Yes.

Where's the organ? Is the organ...?

The organ is up there, at the gallery. Oh, look at that!

And it's quite huge.

Oh, wow.

That's a huge organ you've got there.

Do you want to see it? Could I?

Well, I have been known to play on one every now and again.

Hello. Very pleased to meet you.

Beautiful playing. You're welcome.

Look at this. Look at this!

You know that this isn't the real organ.

The real organ is, of course, upstairs. We have 3,000 pipes.

I would love to have a go, but I'm not in your league. Please.

Oh...

SOFT ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

I am very impressed!

She's good!

MUSIC CONTINUES

What a privilege, and so kind of Linda to let me have a go.

Oh!

I think you'd better watch your job, Linda! Yay!

Oh. After her job. THEY LAUGH

That was lovely. Oh, really?

Yeah, it was. We were very impressed.

Thank you very much.

Oh, hello! SHE LAUGHS

Hi, there. Well, I wasn't expecting an audience.

That was so special. Thank you.

Shall we go, then? Let's go get a drink.

Coming up, I discover what the Norwegians

eat for Christmas... Did you spot the puddings already?

Definitely. Yes.

..and Santa's sleigh just got turbo charged.

I'm approaching the end of my cruise up Norway's spectacular coast,

and my friends and I have sailed 1,092 miles.

What's great about this trip is you can tailor it to your tastes.

Whether you want to brave the elements and visit Europe's

most northerly point...

We've got to the globe! Yay!

..or explore from an armchair,

as you indulge in a spot of Christmas crafting.

I'm knitting. Yes, you're knitting. Is that it? Yes, that's it. Ah!

And it's so intimate, you really get to know your shipmates.

We're now approaching our final destination

and the views are getting better and better.

I mean, just look at that.

That's the view.

And that... I mean, look at this.

This looks like a Christmas card.

I mean, you've got... If you took that now,

that could be my Christmas card next year, couldn't it?

I must tell you about these things here.

I've been telling them my secrets all week,

but apparently I've made a mistake.

I just found out this is not actually a Santa.

It's called nisse.

I've never heard of nisse.

Rumour has it that they are elves special to Norway,

who bring extra gifts to good girls and boys.

Maybe if I change my name to Yana,

they'll bring me a new Christmas frock.

Hi. How are you?

It's my final night on the Polarlys,

and the boat is hosting a Christmas dinner.

So I've invited all my friends, and we're going to see how it is.

I can't smell any turkey.

Hi. Hello, there. Hello.

Oh. Very nice hat. I've got one for every day.

Yeah, I see.

The food on board's been heart-warming, but tonight

they've pulled out all the Norwegian Christmas specialities.

There is pork and mutton ribs - traditionally eaten

with mashed swede and boiled potatoes.

And, as for turkey, well, that's usually reserved for New Year's Eve

in Norway, but they've brought it in

specially for all us Brits on board.

Can I join?

How come I've got...? I've got a main course.

It's just that I start with this

and then keep going back for different bits.

I thought, "Right, count me in."

There's nothing better than having Christmas dinner with friends.

Well, there's having it with your family

but when you're all together on a cruise, your shipmates

become like family, don't they?

You've spotted the puddings already, haven't you? Yeah.

I've taken a photograph of them.

And, as everyone's been so lovely, there's only one way

to round this meal off. This one's for you, Mike.

All right. Oh, thank you.

And this one's for you. Merry, merry Christmas.

Thank you. Oh, that's lovely.

Thank you very much. That's lovely. Super.

So, everyone, just to say cheers,

merry Christmas and thanks for cruising with me.

Thank you. It was so nice to meet you all.

Same time next year? Yeah, shall we do one again?

That would be great!

Right, it's the last day of my Christmas cruise.

It's 9:00 in the morning now, but the sun's due to set again

in just five hours.

Look. Look, it's snowing!

Oh, ho, ho!

Not far from Kirkenes Harbour,

the locals rely on their canine companions to help them get around.

But it ain't doggie power we're going for today.

No, it's horsepower.

You can take your seat on this one? OK.

OK.

Lift up the red button and start the engines.

God!

Oh, yeah.

It's so exciting, isn't it?

I love it already.

Hey! Lucky for me and everyone else, the speed on these things

is limited, but with a temperature of minus four and fresh, crisp snow

all around, what better way to feel the Arctic wind in your face?

Oh, it's brilliant.

It's absolutely brilliant.

Gosh!

I can't believe I'm in the middle of Norway

on a snowmobile, having the time of my life.

Merry Christmas!

It's exhilarating.

It's like freedom.

It's like you're a pioneer in this vast, snowy oasis.

It's the best feeling ever

because it's like all this machine between your legs

and then you rev it and it's like, "Boom, you've gone."

It's amazing.

You've got to do this.

The sun's once again setting in northern Norway,

just as it is on my own Christmas adventure.

It's been a blast and it's given me memories

that will stay with me forever.

I may not have seen the Northern Lights this time,

but that just means I'll have to come back again one day.

We all want that Christmas card image and it's here.

Wherever you are and whatever you're doing,

I wish you sincerely a very merry Christmas.

I'm off now for a walk in a winter wonderland.

# Sleigh bells ring Are you listening?

# In the lane Snow is glistening

# A beautiful sight We're happy tonight

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# Gone away Is the bluebird

# Here to stay Is a new bird

# He sings a love song As we go along

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# In the meadow We can build a snowman

# And pretend That he's a circus clown

# We'll have lots of fun With Mr Snowman

# Until the other kids Knock him down

# When it snows Ain't it thrilling

# Till you nose gets a-chillin'

# We'll frolic and play The Eskimo way

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# Walking in a winter wonderland. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media