Original subtitles

-OH, YEAH! PEACE OUT, BUSHWICK.

LET'S GO FUCKING CAMPING!

WHOO-HOO! YEAH!

-NO, ROB, COME ON.

WE GOT THE AIR ON, ROB.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ROB, SERIOUSLY? ROB!

-WHOO-HOO-HOO! WHOO!

-OH, MY GOD.

-WHOO!

-COME ON, ROB.

-WE BETTER NOT GET PULLED OVER.

-WHOO-HOO!

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING VIEW, MAN.

-YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, ROB.

-WAIT. WHAT?

-THERE ARE FOUR OF US BACK HERE.

WE NEED TO TAKE TURNS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

-WHAT ARE YOU TALKING --

YOU GUYS ARE THE SKINNIEST, ALL RIGHT?

YOU FOUR BARELY MAKE UP THREE PEOPLE AS IT IS.

-WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A BIGGER CAR?

AREN'T YOU FROM TEXAS, TEX?

-OH, I'M SORRY.

THE X3 ISN'T BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU, STEF?

NEXT TIME WE'LL TAKE YOUR CAR.

OH, RIGHT. YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAR, DO YOU?

-UH, HIPSTERS DON'T HAVE CARS.

-WHAT?

-WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-HIPSTERS -- THEY DON'T DRIVE.

-OKAY, I AM NOT A HIPSTER.

- ALL RIGHT.

- RIGHT.

-OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

JUST BECAUSE I LIVE IN BUSHWICK, I HAVE A TATTOO,

AND I ACTUALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN STARBUCKS COFFEE AND AU BON COFFEE

DOES NOT MAKE ME A HIPSTER.

-BUT THE THING IS, THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE SAYS, RIGHT?

HIPSTERS EXIST. SOMEONE HAS TO BE A HIPSTER.

-OKAY, ASSUMING THAT A HIPSTER DID HAVE A CAR

FOR, LIKE, EMERGENCY PURPOSES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,

WHAT KIND OF CAR WOULD THEY HAVE?

-LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T CARE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT ONCE YOU GO GERMAN, YOU DO NOT GO BACK.

WHAT WOULD GEORGE W. SAY?

-WHOOOOOSHHHHH.

-ROB, ARE YOU GONNA FILM THE WHOLE WEEKEND?

-YEAH, WHY NOT?

I MEAN, IT'S CHEAP, MAN.

IT DOESN'T COST ANYTHING TO MAKE FILMS THESE DAYS.

IT'S JUST DATA, RIGHT? ZEROES AND ONES.

-DON'T LET JEAN-LUC GODARD HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

-NO, I FIND MYSELF MORE IN THE TRUFFAUT VEIN, ACTUALLY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER WORKS.

-OH, GREAT.

-I'VE GOT HER WITH A HAT AND NOW SHE'S FILMING, AS WELL.

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

-HEY, STEF, LOOK RIGHT HERE.

-YO, TEX, WHEN ARE WE GETTING THERE?

-LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE TRUFFAUT AND GODARD CATS.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT IF I DON'T CATCH A BEAR

ON ONE OF THESE CAMERAS, THEN I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK.

-OKAY, THERE ARE BEARS UP THERE?

WHERE DID YOU FIND THE HOUSE?

IS IT A FRIEND'S PLACE?

-NAH.

I GOT IT ON AIRBNB.

-OH, MY GOD!

-WHAT?

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

-WHAT?

-THE INTERNET?

OUR ONE FUCKING WEEKEND AWAY FROM BROOKLYN ALL YEAR,

AND YOU GET A HOUSE FROM THE INTERNET?

-DID YOU SEE THE PHOTOS? THE PHOTOS ARE AWESOME.

-UH, DUDE? PHOTOSHOP.

-UH, CRAIGSLIST MURDERERS? HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. NO ONE'S EVER GOTTEN MURDERED ON CRAIGSLIST.

-BULLSHIT!

-UM, YES, THEY DID. THAT'S A FACT.

SOME GIRL IN WILLIAMSBURG -- JUST LAST MONTH.

SHE ANSWERED ONE OF THOSE MISSING-ON-A-SUBWAY THINGS.

SHE WAS CUT UP AND LEFT IN A BATH FOR CHRIST SAKE.

-OH, MY GOD.

-WAS IT AT LEAST A VINTAGE, FREESTANDING, CLAW-FOOT BATH?

-THIS ISN'T CRAIGSLIST, IS IT?

IT'S AIRBNB AND IT'S MEMBER-RATED

AND THE HOUSE IS GONNA BE FUCKING AWESOME,

SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR NOW.

-UH, I'M JUST SAYING YOU CAN'T TRUST THE INTERNET.

THAT'S ALL.

-WELL, THEN, WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

- "TAXIDERMY."

HEY, MAYBE WE CAN GET YOUR BEAR STUFFED THERE, HUH?

-MARIE, YOU SPEAK KOREAN, RIGHT?

-UH-HUH.

-YOU HUNGRY?

-IT'S CLOSED.

-AH, WE'RE ONLY 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM THE HOUSE.

I SAY WE GO TAKE A LOOK.

-I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S -- IT'S CLOSED. WHAT'S THE POINT?

-YEAH, COME ON.

EVEN IF IT'S CLOSED, YOU KNOW, LIKE, ABANDONED PLACES AND SHIT

ALWAYS LOOK REALLY GOOD FOR PHOTOS AND STUFF,

ESPECIALLY ON FILM. -THAT'S TRUE.

-WAIT, SO, YOU SHOOT ON FILM?

-HELL YEAH, MAN.

-THE STUFF -- THAT CRAP LOOKS LIKE SHIT.

I WANT SOME TEXTURE, SOME EMOTION, YOU KNOW?

SOME REAL.

-ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET REAL THEN.

-FUCK YEAH.

-YO, YOU GUYS READY?

-YOU LEAD THE WAY. GO.

-LET'S FUCKING DO THIS.

YEAH, EVEN THE "WELCOME" SIGN IS CREEPY.

WHOA.

-IT'S A KOREAN RESTAURANT.

-UGH. THIS IS CREEPY.

-SO CREEPY.

-DEAD BIRD.

-NO FUCKING WAY.

AW, THAT'S SO DISGUSTING!

OH, MY GOD! ITS HEAD IS CRUSHED.

HEY, LET'S CHECK AROUND THE BACK.

-THEY REALLY LET THIS PLACE GO.

WHAT DID THIS -- WHAT WAS THIS?

EW.

EW! IT'S WET.

-OH, MY GOD. PUT THAT DOWN.

QUIT BEING SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

PUT THAT DOWN.

-EW. THAT IS SO GROSS.

JUST -- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

-HOLY SHIT.

NICE, MICHAEL.

-IT'S LOCKED.

-FUCKING KICK THAT SHIT IN.

-YOU WANT ME TO?

-YES, KICK IT IN! KICK IT IN.

KICK IT IN, KICK IT IN.

YEAH!

YOU FUCKING BROKE THE DOOR.

LEFT EVERYTHING HERE.

-IT'S LIKE THEY REPO'D THIS SHIT.

-OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS.

AW, THESE DON'T FUCKING WORK.

THIS PLACE IS FUCKING WEIRD.

DID YOU GET IT?

-FUCK.

CAN WE FUCKING GO? ROB, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW. SOMEONE, LIKE, DROPPED SOME PLATES DOWN.

-UM...

-COME ON. LET'S GO. COME ON, TEX.

-WELL, OKAY, HOLD ON. HAS ANYONE SEEN THE KEYS?

-FUCK OFF, TEX. -YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

-SERIOUSLY?

-WHAT? NONE OF YOU HAVE THE KEYS?

-OH, COME ON.

-SHIT.

GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO STAY HERE, THEN.

-YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

-NO WAY.

-THOSE MATTRESSES DIDN'T LOOK TOO BAD.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

-OH, MY GOD.

-I'M NOT STAYING ON THOSE MATTRESSES.

-YOU GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS.

YOU GOT TO LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP

IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANY FUN AROUND HERE.

-FUCKING SERIOUS? -COME ON, GUYS.

OF COURSE I HAVE THE KEYS.

-GUYS, LOOK AT THIS.

-WOW.

-NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I'M FILMING THIS STUFF?

-I REALLY HOPE THE HOUSE IS THIS COOL.

-TEX, DUDE, ARE WE THERE YET?

MAN, MY HAMSTRINGS ARE KILLING ME.

I NEED TO DO YOGA ASAP.

-YO, TEX, PULL OVER RIGHT HERE.

TURN RIGHT. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE.

WAIT FOR IT. WAIT FOR IT.

FUCK YES.

STOP RIGHT HERE.

-ALL RIGHT, THIS IS PRETTY COOL, I ADMIT.

-HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND THIS?

-WHOA.

-WELL, THIS IS LOVELY.

AND YET, I SOMEHOW DON'T THINK WE'LL BE STAYING HERE.

UH, THIS IS NOT OUR HOUSE.

-WHICH HOUSE NUMBER WAS IT AGAIN?

-UH...

-I THINK IT WAS FOUR.

-HEY, STEF. -WHAT?

-CAN YOU CHECK AND SEE WHAT NUMBER IT IS?

-NO, YOU CHECK IT.

MARIE, CAN YOU?

-CHECK YOUR FUCKING E-MAIL.

-UH, WE PASSED THIS BIT LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO.

-I KNOW THAT, SWEETHEART.

-SO WE'RE LOST?

- IT'S A NUMBER THREE.

JUST LOOK OUT FOR A NUMBER THREE.

IT SAYS ITS OVER THE BRIDGE AND THEN NUMBER THREE.

-THERE WAS A SMALL BRIDGE BACK THERE.

-YEAH.

DISCO.

-PLEASE.

-TOLD YOU IT WAS AROUND HERE.

-HEY, WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

-LOOKS LIKE MY BATTERY'S DYING.

-DUDE, BATTERIES? YOU'RE A DIGITAL MORON.

THEY'RE MECHANICAL, BABY.

-CAN SOMEONE PASS ME A BATTERY?

-ZOE.

-ZOE.

-ZOE!

ZOE, GIVE ROB A BATTERY.

-SHE'S FUCKING ASLEEP AGAIN.

-OH, MY GOD. ZOE.

-ZOE, WAKE UP.

-ZOE, WAKE UP. WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

-OF COURSE, SHE'S PASSED OUT.

-ALL RIGHT. CHECK IT OUT.

-LET'S GO.

-THANK GOD FOR THAT.

-YO, I GOT POINT ON THIS ONE.

LET ME GET THIS.

UH, KEY'S IN HERE, THEY SAID.

-NO ONE IN THERE, ROB.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ROB?

-OOH! DAMN!

-HOLY SHIT! THIS IS NICE!

-THIS IS THAT HOUSE & GARDEN SHIT RIGHT HERE, BRO.

I'M TELLING YOU.

-DAMN.

-DAMN. THIS IS DOING IT FOR ME.

-I HAD VISIONS OF, LIKE, SOME "BLAIR WITCH" CAMPING SHIT.

-AW, COME ON.

-EVERYONE, HEY. HEY, LOOK. LOOK WHO JUST WOKE UP.

MADAME, YOUR HUMBLE ABODE.

-QUITE NICE, KIND SIR.

QUITE NICE. APPROVED.

HEY, ROB.

-DUDE, I GOT ALL THIS STUFF OFF OF eBAY.

-REALLY?

-YEAH.

-WHAT IS THIS?

-CAMERA EQUIPMENT.

-OKAY, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL OF THESE?

-WE'RE GONNA SHOOT -- SHOOT ALL THIS.

MAKE A MOVIE -- VACATION MOVIE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

-OH, WE SHOULD SHOOT THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.

THIS WILL BE FUCKING AWESOME.

-SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE GONNA PUT IT ON YouTube OR WHAT?

-YEAH, GET HITS -- GIVE MY FILM A GREATER USE.

GET SOME NICE UNDERWATER SHOTS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

-THE, UH, VACATION VIDEOS

OF, LIKE, FUJI AND SHIT, THEY GO UNDERWATER.

IT'S SO COOL.

-WE CAN DO IT WITH THESE.

HOW COOL IS THAT?

-IT'S FUCKING AMAZING.

- OH, WOW.

EUGH. MR. RODENT. EUGH.

EH.

OOH-OOH!

HUH.

OH.

BACK TO THE OLD SCHOOL, MAN.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE THIS BIKE OUT AND GO GET SOME FOOTAGE, HUH?

-HELL YEAH!

-CAN YOU EVEN HUNT BEAR ON A MOUNTAIN BIKE?

-I THINK THESE ASSHOLES PROBABLY CAN.

-DUDE, WE GOT TO TAKE THE CANOE OUT LATER, TOO.

I BROUGHT SOME FUCKING FIREWORKS.

YO, WE'LL LIGHT THEM OFF RIGHT FROM INSIDE.

-UH, DUDE, FIREWORKS ARE ILLEGAL IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK.

UH, WELL, SO IS DOWNLOADING MUSIC FROM THE INTERNET.

-I'VE GOT A VERY CLEAR POLICY.

I DOWNLOAD FIRST, AND THEN IF I LIKE, I ALWAYS BUY.

-WHY DON'T YOU JUST USE SPOTIFY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

-NO, I FEEL NERVOUS IF I DON'T HAVE OWNERSHIP.

-UH, ILLEGAL OWNERSHIP.

-IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT.

IT'S MORE ABOUT RELYING ON THE INTERNET UNNECESSARILY.

LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, DO WE EVEN HAVE A CONNECTION HERE?

-OH, SHIT. I DIDN'T EVEN ASK.

I JUST ASSUMED WIRELESS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

NO.

-SO, LUCKY I DIDN'T RELY ON THAT.

-WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TRUSTING THE INTERNET, WILLIAM GIBSON?

-I'M A HIPSTER, AND WE'RE KNOWN FOR BEING CONTRARIAN.

I HAVE TO LIVE UP TO THAT REPUTATION, BABY.

-YOU KNOW WHAT?

DUDE, WE SHOULD MAKE A FIRE.

-NO.

WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL OVEN THERE.

A DOUBLE OVEN, IN FACT.

I DREAM OF HAVING A DOUBLE OVEN.

-FUCK THAT.

LET'S MAKE A FIRE. IT'S MUCH MORE FUN.

-I AGREE, AND IT HELPS KEEP MOSQUITOS AWAY.

-FIRE IS ALSO MUCH COOLER.

I MEAN, I DON'T DISMISS THE DOUBLE OVEN LIGHTLY.

A DOUBLE OVEN IS SOMETHING TO BEHOLD.

BUT SERIOUSLY, WOOD CHIPS ON A FIRE?

THAT'S REAL, YOU KNOW -- AN EXPERIENCE.

-OKAY, WHY WON'T ANYONE LET ME USE MY OVEN?

I LOVE THIS OVEN.

-SWEETHEART, WE'RE HERE FOR THREE NIGHTS.

WE'LL LET YOU PLAY MARTHA TOMORROW NIGHT.

-OKAY. DEALIO.

-SO, WHAT'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT, CHEF?

- KALBI.

-OOH! -RAH-RAH-RAH-HAH.

-SWEET. HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- MARINATED FOR TWO DAYS IN PINEAPPLE,

SOY SAUCE, UH, SOME CHILIES, SOME GARLIC --

ACTUALLY, A FUCK LOAD OF GARLIC --

UH, SOME SUGAR, SALT AND PEPPER, OBVIOUSLY, AND A CAN OF COKE.

-A CAN OF COKE?

-THAT'S RIGHT, BIG BOY.

UM, YEAH. APPARENTLY, IT MAKES THE MEAT TENDER.

-OH, NICE. WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW. SOME BLOG.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS KALBI?

-YOU'RE A RETARD, BIG GUY.

- YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT THE ONLY TIME

WE SHUT THE FUCK UP IS WHEN WE'RE ALL EATING LIKE THIS?

-WELL, ACTUALLY, THE ONLY TIME WE ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP

IS WHEN WE'RE EATING SOMETHING THAT I MADE.

DON'T FORGET THAT.

-YEAH, BOY AIN'T LYING.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT KALBI IS.

-OKAY.

-MM.

-NOT BAD, HUH?

YEAH, THE GUY WHO OWNS THE HOUSE MAKES THE CREAM.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS SECRET NEW FORMULA.

MADE THE GUY A TON OF MONEY.

-CAN YOU STOP THAT?

-WHAT? I WAS THINKING WE COULD, YOU KNOW...

-WHAT?

-...MAKE A SEX TAPE.

ALL RIGHT!

-MM, NOT NOW. LATER.

-OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SUCH A TEASE.

YOU KNOW, WE COULD MAKE A TON OF MONEY WITH THIS GoPro.

-UH, WHAT'S A GoPro?

-I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST THE NAME.

-THAT'S A STUPID NAME.

-WELL, MAYBE IT SHOULD BE THE Go-DOWN-Pro.

-OH, YEAH?

-YEAH.

-I SAID NOT NOW, BABE.

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MONEY, I BELIEVE?

-YEAH, OKAY, WE DO A FILM.

I'LL FILM YOU AS IF I'M SNEAKING UP ON YOU,

WATCHING YOU GET CHANGED.

LIKE A VOYEUR.

- HOW MUCH?

-WHAT? -HOW MUCH MONEY?

-OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SNEEZING PANDAS AND SHIT MAKE A TON OF MONEY ON YouTube.

-RIGHT.

-AND YOU'RE CLEARLY WAY MORE FUCKABLE THAN A SNEEZING PANDA.

-WHATEVER.

-FUCK YEAH. THIS IS DOPE.

SUMMER 2013 --

UPSTATE NEW YORK -- STARRING ME.

BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, INSTA.

AW, WHAT THE FUCK?

"COULD NOT REFRESH FEED"?

FUCK YOU, INSTA. FUCK YOU.

AH.

YO, TEX! TEX! MARIE!

-GOT KIND OF COLD OUT.

-YEAH, IT IS CHILLY.

WISH I HAD A SWEATER.

-YEAH, WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING ONE?

-I BROUGHT LIKE THREE.

-YOU SHOULD BE WEARING ONE.

EW. LOOK AT THIS.

-WHAT? WHAT IS THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW.

-WELL, DON'T TOUCH IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

-GOD, RELAX.

-OH, MY GOD, TEX! WHAT THE FUCK?!

GET IT OFF ME, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

-ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

-GET IT OFF. OH, MY GOD.

-OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. RELAX. IT'S OFF.

-GET IT OFF -- ALL OF IT.

-ALL RIGHT, IT'S OFF. YOU'RE GOOD.

-ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SHIT IS.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE BY SOME STUPID NATURE SHIT.

THERE'S POISON IVY OUT HERE.

-LOOK, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?

SO YOU AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT IT'S HARMFUL.

IT COULD BE REALLY COOL.

IT COULD BE THE FUCKING CURE FOR CANCER RIGHT THERE.

-MICHAEL

OKAY, I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU ARE GOING A LITTLE STRANGE OUT HERE.

LIKE, WE ARE IN THE WOODS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

THIS IS NOT THE CURE FOR CANCER.

-I FUNDAMENTALLY BELIEVE THAT NATURE WANTS US TO SURVIVE.

NATURE WANTS US TO FROLIC THROUGH THE FOREST

AND PICK BERRIES OFF THE TREES, DRINK MILK, BARBECUE KALBI.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

NATURE WANTS US TO SURVIVE AND PROSPER, BABY.

-OH, MY GOD, DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW, ALL RIGHT,

BUT AT THIS POINT, I SAY FUCK NATURE.

YOU TWO ARE A LITTLE MUCH FOR ME.

I'M GOING BEAR HUNTING.

-THIS IS CREEPY.

-ROB? IS THAT YOU?

OH, SHIT! OH, FUCK!

UGH.

EUGH.

W-WHOA! AAH!

WHOO!

OH!

-HUH.

THIS CAMERA ACTUALLY ISN'T SO BAD.

NOW I SEE WHAT EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT.

RE-TOUCH THIS.

WHY ARE YOU PUTTING MAKEUP ON?

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-UM, WE'RE IN THE FOREST.

- COOL IT.

IT'S ALL GOOD. HOLD ON.

-NO ONE IS WATCHING.

-SO RIDICULOUS.

-WHATEVER.

-HEY, I GOT MY OWN PATTERN.

-OKAY.

-YO, ZOE, YOU ALL RIGHT?

-I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

-"RIGHT THERE" OBVIOUSLY MEANS SOMEWHERE IN THIS AREA.

-STOP RIGHT THERE.

-OW!

-THIS IS THE EXPERIENCE YOU WERE SHOWING US, ROB?

-THERE WAS, UH, FUCKING STICKS IN THE FUCKING GROUND.

IT HURT.

-FUCKING WHAT AN EXPERIENCE.

SAME FIRE PIT WE WERE AT BEFORE.

SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT TIME.

-WELL DONE.

-ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO GO FURTHER.

-ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO FURTHER.

-WE'RE -- N-- WE'RE GOING IN THERE?

-FAR ENOUGH.

-SERIOUSLY? IT'S SO DARK. JESUS.

-WELL, AT LEAST I GOT MY PROTEIN FOR THE WEEK.

I ATE LIKE 40 BUGS JUST NOW.

-GUYS, I'M GONNA HURL.

-THIS IS INTENSE.

-NO, NO. GO, GO.

WHY AM -- WHY AM I LAST?

-IT'S NOT REALLY A TRAIL.

IT'S JUST KIND OF A...

-GUYS, SHOULD WE WAIT FOR TEX?

TEX CAN MAKE A FIRE.

-TEX! FIRE! AMERICA!

-I'M FUCKING DRUNK. HEY.

-OOH, IS THIS THE MAGICAL EXPERIENCE

THAT WE'RE EXPERIENCING TODAY?

-UH, MAYBE I'M JUST WASTED HERE.

-UGH, ARE WE CLOSE?

-OH, MY GOD.

-FUCKING SCARES ME A LITTLE BIT.

-OH, SHIT! FOUND IT!

-ALL RIGHT.

-LET'S LIGHT THIS BITCH UP.

-LET'S GET THIS SHIT GOING!

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

-WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

-SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING, RIGHT?

-GUYS, I'VE DONE THIS LIKE A MILLION, TRILLION TIMES.

-IT'S GONNA BLOW UP IN HER FACE OR SOMETHING.

-OKAY, I'M STEPPING ASIDE.

-UM, WHO'S GOT A LIGHTER? OOH.

-OH, WHO'S GOT A LIGHTER?

-YEAH, OKAY. OKAY. BUT WAIT. WAIT.

-CAN'T WE DO, LIKE, AND ELECTRIC FIREPLACE INSIDE?

-AN ELECTRIC FIREPLACE.

-WHY DON'T YOU GO HELP HER, MICHAEL?

-OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

-WHOO!

-WHOA, THERE YOU GO.

-WOW.

-THERE WE GO.

-THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

-YEAH, BUDDY.

-ROB, ARE YOU HIGH AS FUCK?

YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING FOR, LIKE, TWO MINUTES.

- HE IS SO HIGH.

GOOD FIRE, STEF.

-YEAH, SHIT.

THIS IS THE KING AND THE QUEEN OF THE CAMPFIRE.

I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF --

-PROBABLY THE BEST FIRE EVER MADE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

-OW. OH, MY GOD.

-I KNOW I GIVE HIM SHIT, BUT I REALLY LIKE TEX.

-OH, IT'S TOO HOT. I'M NOT SITTING.

I'M GONNA CROUCH.

-HOW MANY CAMERAS DO YOU HAVE?

-I DON'T KNOW.

-REALLY?

CAN -- CAN YOU STOP THAT?

-WHAT? ME -- I -- I JUST WANT TO -- WATCH.

I JUST WANT TO GET YOU.

-WHAT?

-I WANT TO FUCK -- I WANT TO FILM YOU.

I WANT TO FILM YOU.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK -- YOU LOOK --

-OH. I LOOK -- I LOOK LIKE WHAT?

-YOU LOOK AWESOME IN THIS LIGHT OF THE CAMERA.

LOOK AWESOME.

-YEAH. OKAY.

-YOU LOOK AWESOME.

-YO, YOU ALL RIGHT?

-SHOTGUN THAT.

HEY, SHOTGUN THAT.

SHOTGUN THAT.

DRINK IT. DRINK IT.

-FUCK YEAH. OKAY, WAIT, I NEED A STICK OR SOMETHING.

-BETTER YET, JUST CHUG IT. JUST CHUG IT.

-OKAY, READY? OKAY, NO, NO, NO.

OKAY, READY?

-YOU LOOK GOOD.

-OH, SHIT!

-OH, FUCK!

-OH, MY GOD.

-WOW! CRAZIEST SHIT I EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

-HOLY SHIT.

-OH, MY GOD.

EW! YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL STICKY NOW.

-UGH, FUCK!

-HOLY SH--

-IS THIS LIKE "GIRLS GONE WILD"? THIS IS INSANE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT.

-DID YOU HONESTLY SEE THAT?

-SHE'S GONNA THROW UP, RIGHT?

-YOU ALL RIGHT?

-SO QUIET.

-YO, YOU ALL RIGHT?

-OH, MY GOD. EW.

-YO, YOU ALL RIGHT?

-YEAH, I'M FINE.

-OH, MY GOD.

-JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH BEER, OKAY? NOTHING.

-NOTHING? -THAT WAS INSANE.

-YEAH, NOTHING. -NOTHING.

-OKAY, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

-UH, W-WHAT? NOTHING.

IT MEANS NOTHING.

-OKAY, STEF.

-CAN I HAVE SOME OF YOUR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS?

-GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, MICHAEL.

-SORRY. ALL RIGHT.

-YEAH, ST-- OKAY, STEF. YEAH.

-WHAT? ARE YOU TOO HIGH?

-TELL ME. NO, TELL ME.

YOU'RE SO FUCKING PERFECT.

YOU HAVE ALL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR WORKING AT A FUCKING BAR.

JESUS.

-YEAH, BECAUSE I'M NOT HIGH EVERY SINGLE DAY, ZOE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I HAVE A JOB.

-PBHT! I'm high!

-YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT, STEF.

AND, HONESTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT, OKAY?

FUCK YOU.

-ZOE.

-FUCK YOU!

-ZOE!

-OH -- OH, MY GOD. -FUCK YOU!

-OH, MY GOD.

-SHOULD I GO GET HER?

-YEAH. YEAH. THAT'D BE A GOOD IDEA, MARIE.

-I DON'T KNOW. -GO!

-GO GET HER. AW, FUCK.

SHE'LL HURT HERSELF. I'LL GO GET HER.

-THANK YOU.

-HEY, ZOE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET HER.

-YEAH, WELL, MAKE SURE HER PANTS ARE UP WHEN SHE COMES BACK.

-HEY. Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

-WHAT?

- MERRILY.

-I DON'T KNOW. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THAT HARSH ON HER.

-HARSH ON HER? I DIDN'T FUCKING SAY ANYTHING.

-LOOK WHO I FOUND.

SHE'S ALL GOOD NOW.

THAT'S ENOUGH. DUDE, THAT'S ENOUGH.

-GUYS, LET'S JUST HAVE FUN AND NO DRAMA, RIGHT?

-EUGH. I CALL SHOWERING FIRST.

-I CALL SECOND.

-I CALL THIRD.

-TWO BEERS?

I'M GONNA FEED YOU ANOTHER BEER,

AND THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE FUCKED UP.

-Shh!

-YO, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?

-OH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.

-MIKE. MIKE, NO. -FUCK THAT.

-WHY IS HE RUNNING AWAY? WHAT THE FUCK?

-WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? -WHAT IS THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW. I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

-WAIT. Shh! Shh!

-TEX?

-I'M OUT OF HERE. I'M OUT OF HERE.

-WHAT THE FUCK?

-TEX!

-HOLY SHIT.

-WHAT THE FUCK?

-THAT WAS THE SAME -- OH, MY GOD.

-TEX. TEX.

-ROB!

-IT'S TEX.

-ROB, THAT'S THE SAME SHIT I HEARD IN THE CANOE.

LET'S GO. COME ON.

-IT'S -- IT'S TEX.

-ROB.

I'M GOING IN THE HOUSE. FUCK THIS.

-TEX.

TEX, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. HEY.

HEY, TEX?

TEX?

TEX?

SHIT!

FUCK.

-'SUP, MAN?

-UH, NOT MUCH.

JUST, UH, DOWNLOADING SOME FOOTAGE.

I'LL PUT IT UP ON YouTube LATER WHEN WE'VE GOT A CONNECTION.

OOH.

THAT'S SO META, MAN.

HEY, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THESE KIDS IN RUSSIA

THAT FILM EVERYTHING?

THEY DO, LIKE, CRAZY STUNTS AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE CLIMB UP TALL BUILDINGS WITHOUT HARNESSES.

THEN THEY SHOOT IT ON CAMERAS JUST LIKE THESE

JUST SO THEY CAN GET HITS.

-IF THEY DIE?

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-I MEAN, DOES ONE GUY DO THE CRAZY SHIT

AND THE OTHER GUY FILM IT HOPING THAT HE DIES OR SOMETHING

AND THAT'LL GET HIM MORE HITS?

-I DON'T KNOW.

-WHO'S TO KNOW WHAT PEOPLE SAY OR DO

WHEN THEY THINK THEY'RE DYING, RIGHT?

-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

-THERE'S NO PICTURES IN THIS HOUSE?

-NO, NOT REALLY.

-THERE'S NO FAMILY PICTURES AT ALL?

LIKE, SOMEONE LIVES HERE, OBVIOUSLY,

BUT THERE'S NO PICTURES.

I UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL A PLACE

YOU SHOULDN'T LEAVE, LIKE, FAMILY PHOTOS,

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE

AT LEAST A PICTURE OF A DOG.

LIKE, A PICTURE OF A DOG MAKES PEOPLE FEEL AT HOME, AT EASE.

-WHAT? ARE YOU NOT FEELING AT EASE, MIKE?

-HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN TEX?

-NOPE.

-THOUGHT HE'D BE WITH YOU.

-NO. HE DIDN'T COME BACK.

-YOU MEAN, LIKE ALL NIGHT?

I THOUGHT YOU JUST MEANT, LIKE, RIGHT NOW.

-NO, DOOFUS. I MEAN, WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T COME BACK ALL FUCKING NIGHT.

-ALL RIGHT. JESUS.

-ALL RIGHT. HE DIDN'T COME BACK.

-THAT'S IT?

-LOOK, TEX DOES STUFF LIKE THAT.

-YEAH, HE'S, UH... WHAT'S THE WORD I'M LOOKING FOR?

-RETARDED?

-NO.

THAT'S POLITICALLY INCORRECT

AND ACTUALLY FACTUALLY CORRECT --

INCORRECT, ALL RIGHT?

-CORRECT. -CORRECT.

HE'S MORE LIKE...WEIRD.

YEAH, TEX IS WEIRD.

-LOOK, EVERY NOW AND THEN, HE GOES OFF AND DOES STUFF --

TEX STUFF.

LIKE, ONE TIME AT COLLEGE,

WE DIDN'T SEE HIM FOR THREE DAYS.

THREE WHOLE DAYS.

-OKAY, BUT HE CAME BACK.

-HE CAME BACK.

-YEAH, HE CAME BACK.

-LITTLE MORE FUCKED UP THAN CHARLIE SHEEN IN "PLATOON,"

BUT, YEAH, HE CAME BACK.

-OKAY, FUCK YOU GUYS.

I'M GOING TO LOOK FOR HIM.

ZOE, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK FOR TEX!

ZOE.

-MAYBE HE GOT THAT BEAR.

-WE WENT AROUND EVERYWHERE. CAN'T FIND HIM.

-EVERYWHERE? -WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-THIS PLACE IS LIKE 100 ACRES.

YOU COULDN'T HAVE GONE EVERYWHERE IN, LIKE, AN HOUR.

-FUCK YOU, STEF. YEAH, WE DID.

WE WENT ALL AROUND THE HOUSE,

DOWN TO THE RIVER AND BACK AGAIN.

NO SIGN OF HIM.

-ROB, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

-LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

TEX IS WEIRD LIKE THAT.

HE COULD BE FUCKING ANYWHERE.

-OKAY, BUT, LIKE, DO WE NEED TO BE WORRIED?

BE A LITTLE MORE HELPFUL, BRO.

-ALL RIGHT, LOOK, GUYS.

WHY DON'T WE JUST GIVE IT TILL LUNCH, ALL RIGHT?

THE THING WITH TEX IS THAT IF HE MISSES NO MORE THAN TWO MEALS,

SHIT STARTS TO GET SERIOUS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

-OKAY. MARIE?

-I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. WHAT WOULD I KNOW?

-"BRO"?

-STUPID BUGS.

DUDE, THIS NATURE SHIT...

COME ON.

WONDER WHERE TEX IS.

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK'S THIS SHIT?!

OOH!

SHIT.

-HELLO, YOU HANDSOME MAN.

HEY, ZOE, LET'S LIGHT OUR CIGARETTES AT THE SAME TIME.

INSTAGRAM PHOTO.

-YO, WHAT'S UP, GUYS?

-WELL?

AW, MAN, I TOTALLY STACKED IT OUT THERE.

-WHAT?

-I DID, LIKE -- DID, LIKE, A 360 IN THE AIR

'CAUSE I HIT A STUMP I DIDN'T SEE.

IT WAS GNARLY.

-WHAT ABOUT FUCKING TEX?

-TEX?

-UM, DUDE, WE'RE TRYING TO FIND OUR FRIEND, OUR LEADER,

BIG GUY FROM TEXAS,

YOUR ROOMMATE, THE OWNER OF OUR CAR?

-THE ONLY ONE WITH THE KEYS.

-YEAH.

-OH, YEAH.

OF COURSE.

THAT'S A NEGATIVE. COULDN'T FIND HIM.

-FUCKING ASSHOLE.

-YOU TALKING ABOUT ME OR TEX?

-YOU. HIM. BOTH OF YOU.

OKAY, WHY THE FUCK DO I SURROUND MYSELF WITH SUCH FUCKING IDIOTS?

IF MY THERAPIST COULD GET AHOLD OF THAT CAMERA, SHE'D BE SET.

OKAY? SHE'D BE SET FOR LIFE.

SHE'D WIN EVERY SINGLE ARGUMENT WE EVER HAD

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE APART FROM --

I WOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO ARGUE WITH HER,

BECAUSE WE WOULD BOTH KNOW SHE HAD THIS TAPE OF ME

DOING EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THAT I DO,

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE A FUCKING LEG TO STAND ON.

-JESUS.

LET'S GO GET LUNCH, WE'LL SPLIT UP INTO GROUPS,

WE'LL FIND HIM BEFORE IT GETS DARK.

-WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?

-ZOE. -COME ON.

-YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED, BRO.

-WHAT THE FUCK?

-LET'S GO.

-I-I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL SPLITTING UP.

-YEAH, WASN'T THAT THE PLAN, SPECIAL FORCES?

-YEAH, I CHANGED MY MIND.

I THINK IT'S SAFER IF WE ALL STICK TOGETHER.

I MEAN...LOOK AT YOU GUYS.

NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LAST 10 MINUTES

OUT HERE WITHOUT ME.

-WELL, ALL RIGHT.

-LET'S GO. MOVE YOUR SHIT!

JESUS.

-HEY, MICHAEL.

IF WE DON'T FIND HIM THIS AFTERNOON,

ARE WE GONNA STAY ANOTHER NIGHT?

-UM, YEAH. MY PORK.

-WHAT?

-MY PORK.

I'VE BEEN SLOW-COOKING IT FOR LIKE 36 HOURS.

NEEDS ANOTHER FOUR OR SO, BUT IT'S GONNA BE FUCKING AMAZING.

MADE THIS MARINADE WITH COKE.

REMEMBER? HELLO?

-YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR FUCKING RIBS?

TEX IS FUCKING MISSING, YOU ASSHOLE.

-MARIE, A COUPLE OF POINTS --

TEX PROBABLY WENT HIKING UP A MOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE.

HE'S PROBABLY HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE

FROM A TOPOLOGICAL POINT OF VIEW AS WELL AS CHEMICAL.

HE'S THE FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'M NOT THE ASSHOLE.

I'M THE GUY MARINATING SHIT FOR 36 HOURS

SO YOU FUCKS CAN HAVE A REALLY TASTY MEAL.

AND BY THE WAY, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE,

THEY'RE NOT RIBS, ALL RIGHT?

WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS ASSUME IT'S RIBS?

IT'S NOT FUCKING RIBS.

RIBS WOULD BE WAY FUCKING PREDICTABLE.

-WHAT IF HE'S BEEN MURDERED?

-I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE, SWEETHEART.

-YEAH?

-YEAH.

-HE'S RIGHT.

HIPSTERS DON'T GET MURDERED.

TENDS TO BE CHEERLEADERS, VIRGINS, AND JOCKS.

-TEX IS MORE OF A JOCK THAN A HIPSTER, I WOULD SAY.

-OOH, OUCH.

-THAT'S NOT TRUE, ZOE.

-HE GOES MOUNTAIN BIKING.

I MEAN, WHO HAS EVER HEARD OF A HIPSTER

WHO GOES MOUNTAIN BIKING?

-YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK ZOE'S RIGHT.

WHO EVER DID HEAR OF A HIPSTER GOING MOUNTAIN BIKING?

ROB, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT MOUNTAIN BIKING TODAY?

CALLED OUT, DUDE.

-WAIT. NO. IT --

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAAAH!

-RUN. JUST -- JUST HOLD ON! RUN, RUN, RUN!

FUCK ME!

RUN! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

RUN! RUN!

QUICK! HURRY UP!

-WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

-HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT.

WHOA!

-OH, MY GOD! -OH, FUCK.

-ROB!

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

QUICK! QUICK! QUICK!

LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

QUICK! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!

HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT!

-HURRY UP! LET'S GO! COME ON!

-WHAT HAPPENED TO ROB?

-COME ON, STEF! COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

-OH, MY GOD!

-GUYS, COME ON! LET'S GO!

-COME ON! GET IN THE HOUSE, YOU GUYS!

-WHAT THE FUCK?

-LOCK THE FUCKING DOORS.

-HOLY SHIT!

-LOCK THE DOORS.

-LOCK THAT FUCKING DOOR!

LOCK THE DOOR!

-SO, LET'S JUST GET THIS OUT THERE.

THERE'S NO WAY THAT WAS A BEAR, RIGHT?

-CORRECT. THAT WAS NOT A FUCKING BEAR.

-SO...?

-I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS,

BUT FOR ONCE, I THINK SHE'S FUCKING RIGHT.

THAT WAS SOME "DELIVERANCE" SHIT.

-WHAT?

-WE'RE BEING MURDERED EVEN THOUGH WE'RE HIPSTERS.

-WHAT THE FUCK? SHUT THE FUCK UP, MICHAEL.

-OKAY, GUYS. CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST LOOK AT THIS.

I THINK WE'RE SAFE INSIDE THE HOUSE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THERE'S NO REASON TO BELIEVE

THAT WE'RE NOT SAFE INSIDE THE HOUSE.

-AND THERE WAS NO REASON TO THINK WE WEREN'T SAFE OUT THERE.

THIS PLACE WAS IDYLLIC.

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT WHAT DR. ZIZMOR SAID ON AIRBNB?

-AIR FUCKING B AND B.

WHY DID I TRUST THE INTERNET?

IT JUST ENDS UP MURDERING YOU.

-OKAY, WE NEED TO STOP BITCHING ABOUT WHY WE'RE HERE,

AND WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT

HOW WE'RE GOING TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

-YEAH, I AGREE.

-OKAY, SO IS EVERYONE ABSOLUTELY SURE

TEX HAD THE ONLY SET OF KEYS,

AND HE JUST DIDN'T THROW THEM IN A BOWL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

-NO.

LIKE, HE HAD THEM CLIPPED TO HIS BACK POCKET

ON ONE OF THOSE CLIMBING THINGS.

HE NEVER TOOK THEM OFF.

EVEN WHEN HE WENT DOWN ON ME,

I SAW THEM BULGING OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET.

-UGH. -UNNECESSARY.

-LIKE, MY POINT BEING, HE NEVER TOOK THEM OFF.

-OKAY.

AND NOBODY HAS ANY CELL COVERAGE WHATSOEVER?

-I TRIED EVERYWHERE. THERE'S NOTHING.

AND NO FUCKING WIRELESS.

WHO DOESN'T HAVE WIRELESS THESE DAYS?

FUCK. IT'S DANGEROUS.

-I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA USE THE INTERNET FOR?

-TO CALL PEOPLE, TO TELL THEM WE'RE BEING MURDERED.

-OH, YOU'RE JUST GONNA POST THAT TO FACEBOOK AND TWEET IT?

-NO, SHITFACE. I'M GONNA CALL THE FUCKING COPS.

-AW, GREAT.

MICHAEL HAS THE COPS' E-MAIL ADDRESS.

WE'RE SAVED.

-I'LL FUCKING SKYPE THEM OR I'LL VIDEO-CHAT THEM.

'CAUSE THE LOCAL COPS ARE JUST, YOU KNOW,

WAITING BY THEIR COMPUTERS.

THEIR MacBook AIRS ARE ON,

WAITING FOR SOME IDIOT HIPSTER FROM BUSHWICK TO SKYPE THEM?

TO LET THEM KNOW WE'RE JUST BEING PICKED OFF ONE-BY-ONE

FOR BEING HIPSTERS.

-SHUT THE FUCK UP, ZOE.

I'LL CALL 911 USING SKYPE.

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW A FUCKING COMPUTER WORKS?

ARE YOU RETARDED?

-I KNOW, BUT THE FUCKING INTERNET DOESN'T WORK.

-MICHAEL, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

LISTEN TO WHAT ZOE SAID. SHE'S RIGHT.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE'S TALKING SHIT.

WHY SHOULD WE LISTEN TO HER? FOR FUCK SAKE.

-'CAUSE WE'RE BEING PICKED OFF ONE-BY-ONE.

LIKE -- LIKE A SHARK.

-WHAT? -WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-LIKE IN THOSE NATURE FILMS WHERE -- WHERE THE LIONS

RUN AFTER THE ANTELOPES AND THEY PICK THE WEAKEST ONE

AND SEPARATE THEM FROM THE HERD, RIGHT?

WELL, SHARKS -- SHARKS ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

THEY'RE MUCH CRUELER.

THEY'RE WAY MORE INTENSE.

THEY'LL GO FOR THE LEADER OF THE PACK FIRST.

I DON'T KNOW.

I-I-I GUESS THEY JUST ASSUME

THAT IF THEY TAKE THE LEADER OUT,

THEN THE REST OF THE PACK WILL JUST KIND OF CRUMBLE.

I DON'T KNO-- I DON'T KNOW.

-OKAY, YOU GUYS, WE NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

-MARIE, GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM.

THERE'S NO WAY TO LEAVE.

THE X3's NOT JUST GONNA MAGICALLY START WITHOUT KEYS,

ALL RIGHT?

-CAN WE DO THE THING WITH THE WIRES?

-WHAT FUCKING WIRES?

-LIKE, YOU RIP THE BIT UNDERNEATH THE STEERING WHEEL,

YOU RUB THE TWO WIRES TOGETHER...

-OH, FUCK SAKE. -...AND IT STARTS THE ENGINE.

-THAT'S REALLY CUTE. -WHAT?

-SWEETHEART

-ALL THESE NEW CARS, THEY'RE ALL RUN BY COMPUTERS NOW.

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

IT'S NOT A CADILLAC.

-OKAY.

SO, WE'RE JUST GONNA, LIKE, STAY HERE WITH THE FOREST SHARK?

OKAY.

I THINK WE -- I THINK WE SLEEP.

THEN WE MAKE A BREAK FOR IT IN THE MORNING.

LIKE I SAID, I THINK WE'RE SAFE HERE --

AT LEAST FOR TONIGHT.

-YEAH.

-I THINK SHE'S RIGHT.

WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER AND STAY IN HERE.

-YEAH.

WE'RE ALL EXHAUSTED.

SHOULD WE, LIKE, TAKE TURNS SLEEPING OR SOMETHING?

-MM. YEAH.

UM...YEAH, YOU GUYS GO TO SLEEP.

I'LL TAKE FIRST WATCH.

I'LL BE DOWN HERE. TAKE THEM UP.

I'LL COME GRAB YOU IN LIKE A COUPLE HOURS.

-OKAY. WE'LL SWAP OUT. -ALL RIGHT.

-IF -- IF ANYTHING WEIRD HAPPENS...

-TAKE THE FLASHLIGHT.

-...YOU KNOW, JUST CALL, OKAY?

-YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

-COME ON. LET'S GO UPSTAIRS, GUYS. COME ON.

HERE. THE FLASHLIGHT.

TEX?

TEX?

TEX?

TEX? TEX?

OH, MY GOD.

MY GOD.

TEX! TEX!

TEX!

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

TEX?

TEX?

-WHERE THE FUCK IS MARIE?

-TEX?

TEX...

TEX?

MY GOD. TEX?

TEX?

TEX?

-WHAT THE FUCK?

HOLY SHIT.

HOLY SHIT! -WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK?

-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

- TRYING TO GET THE CAR TO START.

-SHIT. SHIT. COME INSIDE.

SHIT. COME INSIDE.

-WHERE'S TEX? -I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.

FUCK. QUICK. -WHERE'S TEX?

-COME INSIDE. COME INSIDE.

I DON'T KNOW. COME INSIDE.

-ZOE?

ZOE?

ZOE?

-MM.

-I THINK I SAW TEX.

-MM? -I SAW TEX.

-WHAT?

-I SAW TEX.

MICHAEL DOESN'T BELIEVE ME, BUT I SAW HIM.

-IS HE OKAY? WHAT? WHERE?

WHEN DID YOU SEE HIM?

-NO, I'M 100% SURE I SAW HIM OUTSIDE.

-OUTSIDE? WHERE?

YOU WERE OUTSIDE? WHY WERE YOU OUTSIDE?

WHAT THE F--

-WE NEED TO GO FIND HIM. WE NEED TO GO FIND HIM.

-OH, SHIT.

OH, MY GOD. I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT THERE.

NO.

-MICHAEL DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. COME ON. PLEASE? PLEASE? PLEASE?

- OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

-COME ON.

-THIS IS WHERE WE WENT BEAR HUNTING, RIGHT?

-I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK.

-TEX?

OH, MY GOD. WHAT THE FUCK?

Shh.

-YOU HEAR THAT?

-SHIT. -I'M SORRY.

-OH, MY GOD. DON'T WORRY.

-HOLY SHIT.

ZOE.

-YOU SWEAR YOU SAW HIM HERE EARLIER?

Tex!

STAY WITH ME. COME ON.

-I'M COMING. I'M COMING.

-YOU THINK THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY?

-YEAH.

-ARE YOU SURE YOU WENT THIS WAY BE--

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?

LET'S GO. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

-ZOE! -COME ON. COME ON.

-ZOE, WAIT. I TRIPPED. ZOE.

-IT'S TOO DARK. COME -- COME -- COME ON.

NO, COME ON.

-WHY IS THERE THAT SHIT IN THE TREES?

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT IS THAT?

-OH, MY GOD.

-Shh! Shh! Shh!

COME ON. Shh!

-IT'S TOO DARK. COME ON.

-COME ON. COME ON.

-ANYONE HEAR HER LEAVE LAST NIGHT?

-NO.

THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FUCKING SMOKING.

-OKAY, WE NEED TO FIND HER. PUT THIS ON.

-I DON'T WANT IT.

-ZOE, PUT IT ON. -NO, YOU WEAR IT.

-I'M NOT WEARING IT.

-WHY -- WOULD SHE BE DOWN THERE?

-'CAUSE SHE WENT DOWN THERE LAST NIGHT.

-WELL, WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE, THEN?

-SHE'LL SHOW UP.

-WHAT ARE THE -- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

STEF'S A BITCH, BUT I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT HER, ALL RIGHT?

YOU NEED TO WAKE UP!

-LIKE, ARE YOU KIDDING, ZOE?

-YOU NEED TO WAKE UP RIGHT NOW.

WE NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

-GOD.

-WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE ANYWAY, GUYS.

-STEF!

-STEF!

-STEF!

STEF, WHERE ARE YOU?!

-STEF!

-STEF!

-STEF!

-STEF, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

WE WANT TO LEAVE!

-STEF! -WE WANT TO LEAVE!

STEF!

FUCKING HELL, ZOE. PUT YOUR --

SMOKING A FUCKING CIGARETTE.

STEF!

STEF, WE WANT TO LEAVE!

-MICHAEL.

-AH, FUCK.

-STEF!

-YO, STEF! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!

-COME ON. I KNOW YOU WANT HIM.

-COME ON, ZOE. HURRY UP.

-STEF!

-STEF'S IN TROUBLE.

MICHAEL, STOP BEING A FUCKING GIRL. LET'S GO!

-FUCK!

AAH! GET IT! OH, MY GOD!

AAH!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

MICHAEL, I'M HERE!

AAAH!

SOMEBODY!

MARIE! I'M IN HERE! I'M IN --

ZOE!

MARIE! I'M HERE! I'M HERE!

IT BURIED ME UNDER THE DIRT!

HELLO?!

I -- I'M NOT GONNA DIE.

I -- I --

OKAY.

STEF...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE LIKE THIS.

YOU -- YOU CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS.

THIS IS NOT A COOL FUCKING WAY TO DIE.

YOU -- YOU DIE...

IN...A CAR CRASH...

BUT ON A -- ON A -- ON A RACETRACK OR --

OR -- A FUCKING...O.D., MAN --

OR...OR JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE IN THAILAND.

BUT -- BUT -- BUT NOT HERE.

NOT IN FUCKING UPSTATE NEW YORK,

BURIED BY SOME FREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

HEY!

HEY! I'M DOWN HERE!

MICHAEL!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

- STEF! -MICHAEL!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

HELLO!

- STEF!

- STEF!

-HELLO!

-STEF! -STEF! STEF!

-STEF!

-ZOE?!

-STEF!

-LOOK DEEPER.

-MARIE! I'M IN HERE, GUYS!

-GO, MICHAEL.

-STEF!

-MICHAEL! MICHAEL, I'M HERE!

- STEF!

- OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

-I'M IN HERE, GUYS!

-STEF? STEF!

-ARE YOU OKAY?

-STEF! STEF! STEF, WE'RE COMING!

HOLD ON! HOLD ON!

STEF! STEF! STEF, WE GOT YOU!

STEF! STEF, COME ON!

-OH, MY GOD! -STEF. STEF.

- OH, MY GOD!

-IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. WE GOT YOU.

RELAX. RELAX.

-OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?!

-EVERYTHING'S ALL GOOD. -I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. -CALM DOWN.

-OH, MY GOD. -CALM DOWN.

-THANK YOU. OH, MY GOD, GUYS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. -IT'S ALL RIGHT.

-WHAT WAS IT? WHAT GRABBED YOU?

-I DON'T KNOW. OH, MY GOD, GUYS.

I WAS FUCKING DYING.

I WAS DYING. I WAS DEAD AND --

-IT'S ALL GOOD.

-AND I-I-I-I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY FUNERAL

AND ALL THE SONGS THEY WERE GONNA PLAY,

AND I HAVE A WHOLE PLAYLIST.

I DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT IT.

-JUST RELAX. -NO, STEF, YOU'RE OKAY.

-YOU NEED TO RELAX. WE NEED TO STAY STRONG. RELAX.

WE'VE GOT YOU.

- BUT IT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT'S AFTER US.

-DON'T TALK -- DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. IT'S ALL GOOD.

-OH, MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY. -DON'T APOLOGIZE.

-IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

-I'M SO SORRY.

-DON'T. RELAX. -I'M SORRY.

-RELAX. -IT'S OKAY, STEF.

-DID YOU GUYS SEE ANYTHING?

-NO. NO, NO, NO. WHAT HAPPENED?

-NO, WE JUST HEARD THIS CRAZY NOISE, AND THEN --

AND THEN YOU SCREAMING, SO WE RAN.

-WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

-OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

-STEF, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. WE HAVE YOU.

-WE JUST SAW THE EARTH AND IT LOOKED NEW, SO WE DUG.

-I AM SO SORRY. THANK YOU.

-IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY.

-THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

-OH, MY GOD. -FUCKING HELL.

FUCKING HELL. -OH, MY GOD.

-IT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LET'S GET THE FUCK BACK TO THE HOUSE.

COME ON. WE'RE NOT THAT FAR.

-WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. GUYS, WHAT -- W-WHAT IS THIS?

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

-OH, MY GOD. -OH, MY GOD. DO YOU SEE THIS?

-I DON'T KNOW.

-LET'S JUST GO BACK TO THE HOUSE. COME ON.

-THAT'S SOME SORT OF SLIME.

TEX WAS BEING A PRICK AND...UH, I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS BEING TEX,

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S POISONOUS OR ANYTHING.

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STEF.

STEF, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

-GUYS, I THINK THERE'S --

I THINK THERE'S SOMEBODY BURIED UNDER THERE.

-TEX?

-LOOK, LET'S JUST -- WE HAVE TO DIG.

-WELL, LET'S JUST LEAVE.

WHY ARE WE DIGGING?

LET'S FUCKING GO. -OKAY, WE HAVE TO DIG.

-NO. LET'S FUCKING GO BACK TO THE HOUSE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. -COME ON, YOU GUYS.

-WHY? YOU JUST GOT TAKEN.

-MICHAEL, YOU FUCKING PUSSY, JUST DIG.

- FUCKING HELL.

FUCK! HE'S IN HERE! TEX! TEX!

TEX! FUCK!

-DIG, YOU GUYS. -TEX! HOLD ON, MAN!

WE'RE COMING!

-THAT'S HIS HEAD! FUCK!

I SEE HIS HEAD! FUCK!

-TEX!

-FUCKING GET HIM.

-HOLY SHIT. -OH, MY GOD.

-WHERE'S HIS OTHER HAND?!

-I'M DIGGING.

GONNA FUCKING PULL HIM OUT.

FUCK.

-WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

-THE FUCK?

-DUDE. YO. -HELLO? DUDE? DUDE?

-OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

-OH, FUCK!

MY GOD.

WHO ARE YOU?

-OH, SHIT.

-OH, FUCK!

- OH, SHIT.

-WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

-DUDE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

-OH, FUCK.

-OH, WOW.

-WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

-WHAT DAY IS IT?

-IT'S SUNDAY, MAN.

-NO, NO, NO, NO. THE DAY -- WHAT'S THE DATE?

-THE 25th.

-25th OF WHAT? J-JULY?

-IT'S THE 25th OF AUGUST.

HAVE YOU FUCKING BEEN DOWN THERE FOR -- FOR A MONTH?

-THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

-I FUCKING THINK IT IS.

-NO ONE CAN STAY UNDER A FUCKING GROUND FOR LIKE A MONTH.

-FUCKING OBVIOUSLY THEY CAN.

-THEY NEED AIR, WATER, AND FOOD. JESUS, STEF.

-FUCK YOU, MICHAEL.

-WHAT THE FUCK.

-JULY 4th.

-WHAT? -WHAT?

-YEAH.

JULY 4th, THAT'S -- I CAME OUT HERE, HIKING.

YOU KNOW, WALKING THE WOODS,

"WALDEN," THOREAU, ALL THAT SHIT.

-HIKING?

-YEAH, DUDE.

-SO YOU HAVE LIKE A-A GPS?

-A PHONE?

-GPS IS FOR PUSSIES.

-DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A CAR OR A MAP -- FUCKING ANYTHING?

-UH, I GOT SOME SHROOMS.

-FUCKING PERFECT. -FUCKING PERFECT.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? -THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

HOLY SHIT. I FIGURED IT OUT.

IT'S FUCKING TEX! HE SET THIS WHOLE SHIT UP!

HE'S FUCKING PLANTED THIS GUY UNDER THERE AND PUT YOU -- YOU!

HE PUT YOU IN THERE!

HOLY SHIT! -FUCK YOU, MICHAEL.

-I'M GETTING PUNK'D RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS FUCKED UP! -ARE YOU INSANE?

-MICHAEL, YOU ARE NOT GETTING FUCKING PUNK'D RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS FUCKING REAL. KEEP IT TOGETHER.

WHAT IS YOU PROBLEM?! -OH, MY GOOD! AAH!

-DID A BEAR BURY YOU?

-DUDE, YOU THINK A BEAR DOES THIS?

-WE'RE GONNA GET FUCKING DESTROYED IN THE FUCKING WOODS.

HOLY SHIT.

-WHERE THE HELL IS TEX?

-WAIT. I FUCKING FOUND SOMETHING.

HOLY SHIT! IT'S TEX!

I GOT THE FUCKING KEY!

-YEAH! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

-OH, MY GOD!

I WANT TO GET O-O-O-U-U-U-T!

-YOU GUYS, WAIT! WHERE THE FUCK IS TEX?

I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT TEX.

-OKAY, OKAY. WHO GIVES A FUCK? LET'S GO. COME ON.

- YOU GUYS, WE NEED TO FIND TEX.

-MARIE, LET'S JUST LEAVE --

THIS GUY CAN COME WITH US IF HE WANTS --

AND THEN WE CAN COME BACK FOR TEX.

THINK ABOUT IT. LET'S GO.

WE'VE GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE.

MARIE, WAKE UP! LET'S GO!

LET'S GO!

-MARIE, COME ON. COME ON.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY.

-WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

-THEY'RE FUCKING HALF DEAD. LET'S JUST GO.

-HOLY SHIT!

-FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

RUN. JUST RUN! GO! GO!

-HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

-FUCK ME!

-FUCK.

-HOLY SHIT! RUN! RUN!

-OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!

-NO!

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

-AAH! RUN! JUST RUN!

NO! NO!

-FUCK ME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK IS DOWN HERE?

WHY?

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE?

FUCKING DEAD. YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD.

WHY?

I'M DYING. DYING.

I'M DYING.

I'M DYING IN THE FUCKING CRAP.

I'M FUCKING DEAD.

DYING DOWN HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

I -- I'M DYING DOWN HERE.

I'M DYING DOWN HERE.

I'M DYING DOWN HERE.

WHAT THE -- I'M DYING DOWN HERE.

MICHAEL, YOU'RE DYING DOWN HERE.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA FUCKING DIE.

I'M GONNA...

STEF?! STEF?!

STEF!

DOWN HERE! I'M HERE!

MICHAEL!

MICHAEL, IS THAT YOU?

MARIE?! ZOE?!

OH, MY GOD! YOU GUYS?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

PLEASE.

WAIT. NO, NO! AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH!

THE PICTURE!

THE PICTURE IN THE BASEMENT.