All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E13_English

I found the best way
to release anger.

When I'm angry
at someone,

I just make like a watercolour
pen and ink drawing

of that person and then I
rip it into little bits

and then I
light a candle.

Uh, when I need to
release my anger,

I just dress in teal,

take some deep breaths

and then I light a candle.

When I need to
release anger,

I find the person
that I'm angry at

and then I just punch
them right in the nose.

Just like that.

Oh, and then I
light a candle.

Mmm, that's great.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Guide: If anyone needs to empty their urine cylinders,

you can do that at the farend of the gallery.

Our next exhibit

is examining the era
between 2014 and 2024,

an era of artistic
expression known as

'Paint Nite-ism'.

Oh, my great-great-great-
great-great grandmother

was a Paint Nite-isimer.
-Ah.

This way people.

Historians tell us

that these works were created
by a group of drunk people

who came together with a glass
of wine and a paintbrush

to create these paintings
under the tutelage

of a former art history minor.

Wow.
-Mhm.

These paintings were
then brought home

and displayed proudly
in what was called a

'guest bedroom' or, um,

'closet'.

Did they ever paint
anything else?

No, Paint Nite-ism is pretty
much restricted to these images

of Birch trees in front
of orangey-pinky sunsets.

There's thousands of them.

Thousands?
-Mhm.

Hey, who were these artists?

Well a full third of them
were just gals named Tracey

who had something
called a 'Groupon'

and thought it sounded fun.

[chuckling]

And the rest?

Ah, gals named Janet
who had a 'Groupon'

and-and thought it
sounded fun, so.

[chuckles]

Guide:
The artist up close.

Artist VO:
[chuckles] I drink
wine and paint.

Guide:
It's important to note
that in the early 2000s

everyone identified
as an artist.

That's nuts.
-I know.

[chuckles]

Okay, I'm going to take you
to another exhibit now,

circa 2018,

'Duck Face Portraiture'
and 'Yarn Art'.

Wow.

So in short,

there are so,
so many ways

that you can reduce
your global footprint.

And if we all
do our part,

together we can
make a change.

And there is this
cool tote in it

for whoever wins
the office contest.

[clapping]

Thank you.

Hey, yeah, um, I just
had some thoughts.

Mhm?

Doesn't your initiative set
up a giant false equivalency?

Framing our
planet's degradation

[dramatic music]as a matter of
individual responsibility,

[dramatic music]completely ignores the role
that corporate pollution plays

[dramatic music]in the death spiral we're
currently locked in.

[dramatic music]You know what
I'm saying?

[dramatic music]I mean, me having a
steak once a week,

[dramatic music]there's no way that offsets
the fact that our company

[dramatic music]destroys acres of rainforests
in the third world every day,

[dramatic music]just to cultivate Palm oil.

[dramatic music]And the resulting
pollutants comprises like,

[dramatic music]11% of our global
carbon emission.

[dramatic music]Did you know that?
I bet you didn't.

[dramatic music]You know what, if we
all disappeared today,

[dramatic music]you know who would
stand up and applaud?

[dramatic music]Literally every single
organism on the planet,

[dramatic music]except for maybe
like our gut biome

and a couple of
domestic cats.

[dramatic music continues]But otherwise I think
that we need to recognize

[dramatic music]that your cute little tote

[dramatic music]with the little globe
that's smiling on it,

[dramatic music] yeah, this is also by the way,
insidious marketing.

[dramatic music]And it's going to end
up in a landfill.

[music swells] It does nothing

to remove the curses
[music swells]

that our grandchildren are
going to place on our heads

for allowing this
apocalypse to happen!

It's signed by Mark Ruffalo.

[Karen gasps]

Oh my god!

Oh my god,
Mark Ruffalo!

Did you meet him?

I did. He is so adorable.

And he's just little so,
you know,

smaller global footprint.

It's just so crazy.
I'm totally gonna win that.

Oh, you go Karen!

Yeah, I'm gonna frame it
and I'm gonna wear it.

So fuck all y'all.

Okay.
- Okay.

That's some language.

Remember these words.

So that was Karen, everybody.

She's fiery.

Shannon, hey!

Hey.

Oh my god, how random
running into you here.

I mean, wow.
Like what's going on?

Whatcha doing?
What's happening?

Oh, what's happening?

Well, I-I was just at
my father's funeral.

Just coming home from
grieving that death.

So, I guess that's
what's going on.

Oh my god.

Shannon:
Yeah. Actually I
was really, um,

offended that you
didn't show up today

because, you know,
my father held you in

very high esteem, actually.

Jennifer:
I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
that he passed.

I don't think I missed any
calls or a text or anything.

Well, it was all over
my Instagram story, so.

I let everyone know.

Oh, uh, yeah,
I don't, um,

I don't watch your
Instagram stories.

Sorry, I-I don't understand.

You mean you didn't
watch this story or,

or you don't watch
any of my stories?

I don't watch any of them.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's not you, it's me.

I mean, it's just,

I don't like Instagram stories,
like, like at all.

I mean, it's just like
they're endless snippets

of boring people's lives
that just go on and on

and on and on and on.

Like a picture of your
dog that says 'sock thief'

in big letters.

Or like, you know,

your morning coffee

and it's a video

and it just kind of zooms in
softly with the music that goes,

ba-na-na-na-na-na-bling.

I just, I hate them.

Wow, way to shit on my life.

You could have just said
you didn't watch my story.

You didn't have to sort
of go into all the detail

of everything about
me that you hate.

Yeah, I can see how
that would have been

a better thing to
say to you at, um,

this particular
point in your grief.

In my grief, yeah.

Yeah.

Um, so how was the funeral?

It was good.

Actually, it was really good.

Here, let me show you some
highlights from my Instagram.

I've got some on here.
-Nope. Nope. Sorry. No, no.

What?
-No, I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry. Hard out.
Loved your dad.

Blah.
-What?

No, I can't. Boo.

[uptempo quirky music]

Are we still on for Friday?

Hey. I'm so sorry, I can't.

I don't have a sitter.

Cool.

Sorry about that.

[uptempo quirky music]

♪

♪

How come no one steals
the kale? Huh? Ah.

[uptempo quirky music]

Of course, I would
love to help you.

Okay, okay.

Next week.

Okay great, bye.

[uptempo quirky music]

Hello?

[uptempo quirky music]

[woman clears throat]

[uptempo quirky music]

[loud fart]

[uptempo quirky music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Meredith:
Hi Sam.

Hi. Oh, that looks amazing.

I could really use a coffee.

This?
-Yeah.

Do you want this?
-Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Oh my god, thank you.

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
Don't, don't, don't.

Okay.
-Wait, hold, hold it.

Okay, I've-
-Don't move, don't move.

I'm not moving.
-Come in, come in, come in.

Okay.
-Three, two, one.

[camera clicks]

Okay. What just happened?

That was a self-lessie.

Excuse me?

A self-lessie.

It's like a selfie,

but you only take it

when you're doing something
for someone else.

That is not a thing.
-It's a thing. It's a thing.

♪ Everybody doing it

Look, check this out.

Look, this is me. Yeah?
-Mhm.

Looking super hot giving
change to a homeless dude.

Okay.
-Check this action out.

Amazing.

And this one, I volunteer.

I teach English as
a second language-

Uh, is that, uh-

Chocolate sauce-

Oh, got it.

On my-
-Yep.

And this is my favourite one.
-Oh yeah?

Yeah, this is me
euthanizing my grandma.

What?

Your grandmother's death makes
your ass look fantastic!

I know.

Lisa:
Wow! That is a
hot little booty.

[in funny voice]
My ass is amazing.

Your ass is amazing.
-My ass is amazing.

Check it out.
-An amazing...

[in unison] Ass.

[pageantry music]

Emcee:
Dr. Paula McCloud,

Carbon tariffs in the
late anthropocene.

[cheering]

Congratulations,
Dr. McCloud.

Thank you, Dean.
-Well done.

Thank you.

[cheering]

PhD in Environmental Studies!

[cheering]

You did it!

Yeah!

Congratulations, Doctor!

Thank you.

Are you going to go the
tenure track road or what?

Or are you going to throw
yourself into research?

Uh yeah, I don't think I'm going
to do any of that actually.

[confused murmurs]

Okay, then why would
you spend 7 years

to get your PhD in
Environmental Studies?

Oh, I have to go to my
father-in-law's for Thanksgiving

next weekend and I
need an airtight argument

in favour of the carbon tax.

[affirmation murmurs]

It's a long meal and it's
been an ongoing thing, so.

Jennifer:
Yeah, I became a
medical doctor

just to convince my cousin that
measles vaccines are a thing

and it didn't work.

She's dead.

Sorry about that.
-I'm not.

Should we go get drunk?

[in unison] Yes!

Yeah, definitely.
-Definitely.

Aurora:
Make sure you share, Allegra!

[Aurora chuckles]

[Aurora sighs]

[child cries]

Gonna have a nap?

Terrible twos, huh?

Meredith:
Oh yeah. I'm sorry.

Aurora:
Oh, no, honestly
he's adorable.

Oh, okay, well,
you know,

you can-you can have
him if you want.

Aurora:
[laughs] Oh, don't tempt me.

No seriously, he's-

You can take him.

I just might.

Okay.

Here we go, look.

Oh.

Meredith:
Oh, here, I'm genuinely
giving him to you.

[chuckles] What?

Yeah, this is really happening.

No, uh-

Okay. Can I have a kiss?
Love ya.

Bye, bye Devin.

You got it.

Okay. Yeah. Bye.

I just got my life back.

Ugh.

What?

Nothing.

By nothing, do you
mean something?

No it's just this article
that I was just reading

referenced a video
that I saw once

and the video is
so disgusting.

I just, I want to barf every
time I think about it.

Ooh, what is it?

Oh, no, no.
I can't tell you.

Come on. I can handle it.

You can't handle it.

I can.

You can't.

Oh, is it-is it that one with
the monkey that smells dog shit,

falls over?

It's worse.

Is it two girls with-

Worse.
-Oh.

Okay, is it that one

where there's that guy and he's
got that massive zit on his back

and it's so big that
they can't pop it now-

And it's like all the
kids are in a circle

and some of them are like,
"Oh my god, I love it"?

And the girl's like
"What are we doing?"

Yes! That's the one!
-Shh!

Oh, sorry.
-Sorry.

It's worse.

You have to tell me.

Okay, fine.

Okay.

[loud intense music]

♪

♪

Everywhere.

Uh. Ugh.

I know.

I warned you.

I'm so sorry.

What is wrong with you?

I didn't make this video.

Ya done!

I'm sorry.

[Jennifer sighs]

What colour was the wig?

It was black.

Oh!
- It was weird.

I'm sorry.

I just saw it.

I just, I'm the
innocent one here.

I'm sorry.

[ambient instrumental]

Guys.

Guys, stop what
you're doing.

Guys.

Oh hey.
-Oh.

What's? Is it meant to be?

How does it? What is it?
-I don't.

I think it's
finally happened.

I, I think I've-

[sighs] I've aged
out of fashion.

Aurora:
What? No. No,
you're too young.

I'm 48.
-Oh.

I'm sorry, I'm not-

I don't get it.

Oh you wouldn't
thirty something.

You put on a frumpy blouse
and you still look cute.

What's wrong with
this blouse?

If I were that blouse I would
look like my mother circa 1986

in a bad way.

Another sign that I've
aged out of fashion,

the 80s are back and it's not
the cool shit that we wore,

it's the frumpy ass shit
our moms wore.

Is this why young
people make me so mad?

One of the reasons.

I mean, I can't take it!

I'm sure we can find
you something to wear.

Aurora: Yes.
- Absolutely.

Aurora: We can do it.
- We're gonna do it.

If we just put our minds to it.
-Yeah.

[funky dance music]Okay.

[funky dance music]Okay, here comes the first look.
-Okay.

[music abruptly stops][in unison] Oooooooooohhhhmmmmm.
-No.

No that's bad.

Aurora:
My grandmother has
something like that

that she puts on her
table at Christmas.

That's what it is.
-That's what it is.

[funky dance music]

Nnnyangyang, no no.

Aurora:
I'm gonna pass.

Ooooohhhkay.
-Yeah.

Aurora:
Black is good.

Thirty Something:
Black is good.

I feel like it's
missing something

like maybe a chunky
necklace or some-

Oh my god.

I'm in my statement
jewellery years.

Oh honey, no no no no no,

it doesn't have to be
a statement necklace.

It could be a-

statement glasses or-

[gasps]

What did I-what did I say?

Her mother was dead for a
month before anyone noticed-
-What?

'cause she had so many
statement pieces on

that nobody kept track of the
fact that she wasn't talking.

Jesus Christ.
-I know.

[funky dance music]

Aurora:
It looks like you're playing a
traffic cone in a school play.

If a dry vagina was made into
a garment this would be it.

It does nothing for my body!

It came with a fanny pack.

Thirty Something:
Don't, it's not
gonna help it.

[gasps in unison] Yes!

I'm loving the silhouettes.
-That's fine that.

Yep, yep.
-Okay, great.

Winner, all right, awesome.

[shriek] Oh, no no no no.

No?
[gagging]

So that's it.

It's over.

Well, no there is, um,
[clears throat]

one thing.

What? Please tell me.

It's extreme and it requires
incredible discipline.

What? I'll do anything. Please!

It's time for you to develop
your signature look.

[gasps]

Carolyn: [echoing]
Siganature look.

[gasps]

Carolyn: Oh look at you!
- Yes! Look at your legs!

Yeah, top to bottom.
-Yes, what do you think?

I love it!

It's hip, it's flattering,
and it's kind of punk rock.

I love it.

And it's kinda 80s, no?

Would you shut up.

I'm gonna kill you.
-Nooo.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[fun uptempo music]
[loon calling]

[smack]

Jennifer:
Ow!

I just got bitten again.

Are you guys getting bitten?

No.
-No?

No.

I can't believe we
drove four hours

in bumper-to-bumper traffic

only to get to this leaky
bug infested cabin.

Beds are lumpy.

There's no Wi-Fi.

And I am not mellow
with it being yellow.

[buzzing]

Ow! Owww!

Seriously, you're
not getting bitten?

No.

Na-uh.

Okay, you know what?

That's it,
I'm going inside.

This is ridiculous.

[Jennifer groans]

Dude, why did you invite
her to the cottage?

Such a downer.

The bugs, they love her.

What?
-Yeah they do.

Ow.

See.

[smacks]Yeah.

Hey! Kate!

You should probably
come back out here

because we're cracking
open another beer.

Carolyn:
I'll let you French braid
my hair!

Meredith:
I can't wait to talk
to you more about

what a terrible
time you're having.

[smack]

[suspenseful dramatic music]

♪

Oh, okay.

[machine whirring]
[suspenseful dramatic music]

Oooh, that's sweet!

Julia!

[scoffs]

Are you serious?

These were supposed to be
on my desk at 10:00 AM.

You're on thin ice.

Sorry.
-Sorry about that.

[sighs] Why do I
always procrastinate?

[machine beeping]

[thunder rumbling]

Oh.

Can we throw this out?

No way. What if we need it?

Well then, I don't know,

maybe we'll use one of these
5 billion other containers

we have.

Seriously, these things
are taking over.

Maud, don't you think you're
being a little dramatic?

Am I Doug?

Oh.

Ugh.

[eerie music]

[thunder cracking]

[eerie music]

[banging]
[eerie music]

[thunder cracking]

[sighs]

[plastic thumping]

Honey, did you say
something to me?

Hmm.

Whah!

Oh!

Ha-ha Doug,
very funny!

[thunder cracking]

[electricity sizzling]

Oh.

[sighs] Doug, can you
check the fusebox?

[eerie ominous music]

Doug?

[thunder cracking]

[eerie ominous music]

Doug?

[thunder cracking]
[eerie ominous music]

♪

Maud:
Doug?

[dramatic chords]

Ahhh!

Jesus, Doug!

I told you I wasn't
going to throw them out.

[plastic flopping]

Doug?

Ah!

[plastic clopping]
[eerie music swelling]

Ah!

[panicked breathing]
[swelling eerie music]

[Maud screaming]

Man:
And she was never
seen again.

Woman:
Brad! Come on!

It happened,
I swear.

Woman:
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You're watching
too much TV, okay.

All I'm saying

is that too much Tupperware
can be a dangerous thing.

Ooh. Okay, fine. Fine.

Do you want to
watch Top Chef?

I'll, uh, set up the DVR.

Woman:
Okay.

Okay, don't be long.

I won't.

Bye, babe.
- Bye.

I'll take care of this stuff.

[eerie ominous music]

♪

Oh, hi there Maud.

Hey, hey!

Are you going
to let me out?

This is what
happens to people

who try to throw away the
Tupperware in the house.

Please! I promise I'll
never throw it out again!

Ever!

Oh Maud.

Look at you all
trapped in there.

[chuckles]

Let me out!

Brad, help me!

You know what?

I'm going to put you
back in the drawer

with all the other Tupperware.

No, please don't put
me back in the drawer!

I hate the drawer!

Nightie night.

[swelling eerie music]

Nightie, night.

[swelling eerie music]