All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E11_English

Come, come, come, come.

Okay, help me, please.

Is that the,

the date or the daughter?

I don't want to
get it wrong.

I honestly can't tell.

Really?

Server:
I don't know.

Hi.
- Hi.

Excuse me.

I was wondering if I could
get a glass of red wine

and a scotch on the
rocks for my dad

while we're waiting
for our table.

Of course.
Yep. Okay.

Solved.

Woman:
Really sorry,
coming through.

Oh, there she is.
-Hey babe!

Mwah! Sorry I was late.

And a chardonnay
for my stepmother.

Hey, you.
How's it going?

Mom.

I'm going to need
a nine ounce.

Okay.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

First of all,

we want to start
by saying we
loved your book.

We loved your book.

Thank you very much.

It was a long time
in the making.

I was embedded with those
soldiers for over two years

to write 'War At Night'.

Okay. So we've got some
ideas for the cover.

We really wanted to
get your feedback.

[snaps fingers]

Okay. Very exciting.

Okay.

It's our first pass.

Marie:
Oh, ah-

Aurora:
You know what, this wasn't
our first choice either.

Great instincts, Marie.

There we go.
- There we go.

Marie:
That's not even the
title of my book though.

Your original title
didn't really sell it.

We find that you really
have to signal the public

when a memoir is going
to get all feelingsy.

It's a book about war.

You're not into it?
- No, sorry.

We've got another art.

Get rid of that!
Get rid out that!

Aurora:
This one is light pink.

I'm sorry, but what does pink
have to do with anything?

We felt that this cover really
conveyed the book's key message,

that it was written
by a woman.

Aurora:
A beautiful woman!

I mean, look at you.

I mean about that,
about that.

Actually, if we can look
at the author photo here,

black and white photo
that you have.

Yeah, I love it.

Carolyn:
Really embedded with the
Colombians in the jungle,

it's a bit intense,
a bit severe.

It's not sexy.

I'm sorry, why
would it be sexy?

Sh, sh. Sonia.

This is really exciting.

I think your mind's
going to blow!

Marie:
Holy shit!

Aurora:
That's what I said.

Marie, we've been in this
business a long time.

We know what sells.

Aurora:
What we want is for as
many women as possible

to experience your words.

I mean, the book's
not just for women.

It's about the
human experience. It's-

It's not just for women?

[laughing]

Aurora:
Where did you find-

Carolyn:
You're funny!
You're funny!

Aurora:
You got me.
You got me.

Oh yeah, right.

I'm a man and I'm going to
read this book by a woman.

It's a war memoir and
it's very graphic.

You are funny.

You are funny!

You really are.

You might want to tone that
down for interviews though.

I mean I kid,
but really do do that.

It doesn't sell.

I think maybe I'll take
my book someplace else.

[chuckling] Well we own it.

We own you.

We own you.

Child:
Yay! He came!

Yay! Yay!
Here we go.

Okay, okay.

Just one quick thing,

Santa, um, has had a
bit of a tough year.

Um, but I want
you to know

that he has made you something
really, really special.

Okay?
-Okay.

Um, it's just that
sometimes life,

well, it just,

it just happens

and there's a lot going
on for Santa right now.

I mean, between the
downsizing of the North Pole

and then the divorce it's-

Santa divorced Mrs. Claus?

Okay, technically it's
a separation, so.

Yeah, Santa's so
much happier now.

And Santa doesn't need
to be with anyone.

Santa doesn't need to date.

Santa actually
likes being alone

and maybe Santa should book
that all-inclusive to Cuba.

And you know what?

Everybody needs to
stop talking about it!

Yip, yip, yip.

It's all, it's all
anyone is talking-

[doorbell rings]
Oh, hold on.

Oh my god, Santa.

I just can't be
alone right now.

I was just talking
about you.

Come in. It's okay.
It's okay.

Santa!
-Oh, hi!

I filled her in.

She knows everything.
This is a safe space.

You get to be yourself, okay?

Thank you.

Carolyn:
Okay, um, I have to
tell you something,

but you can't tell
anyone, okay?

Okay!

No, no. I'm serious.

Like stick it in
the bubble, alright?

It's in the Michael Bublé.
Tell me.

No, I'm-I'm serious.

Like stick it in
the vault, okay.

And not just the
normal vault,

put the vault that's
like in the other vault

in another vault

and dig down to the bottom
of the ocean, okay.

Okay, okay.
You know what?

I'm gonna-I'm gonna take it,
I'm gonna put it in the ocean.

I'm gonna put it in
the Marianas Trench.

No one is going to
find this bitch.

Trust me.

Okay, but you can't tell Steve.
-I won't.

No, I'm serious.
You can't.

Like when you're lying in
bed tonight and he's like,

Hey babe, how
was your day?

Did anyone tell
you a secret?

And you're so touched
that he checked in

that you want to reward him
for being a good boyfriend.

Do not tell him.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Um-um-

I'll just give him a
quick handy instead.

He's out for the night.

What is it?

Okay. Okay.
You swear?

I swear on my
mother's grave.

Carolyn:
You don't like your mother.

Swear on your father's grave.

Okay, you know what?
I do like my father,

but I will kill him,
bury him

and swear on his grave.

What is it?
-Okay.

I, um,
[clears throat]

I slept with
Jason in HR.

Oh, I knew that already.

Jason told everyone.

What?

Meredith:
Yeah, he said that
you were a screamer.

And he was like, ahhhhh.

Oh that's nice,
thank you so much.

That's reflects on Jason.
Not on you.

That's just really weird because
then when you slept with me,

you were more like,

Oh god, more.
I just want to, oh.

Yeah, you said it was like,
ooh, oooh.

Give it to me.
-Yeah.

Ahhhhh!
-Ahhhh!

And all I did was
very nicely ask him

if he would stop explaining
cryptocurrency to me.

And for some reason he
was super offended.

Oh, that sounds tough.

It was. It's not my fault
I have resting bitch face.

Aurora:
No it isn't.

I mean, I have
resting bus face.

What's that?

Aurora:
Well it's this
condition where my face

makes strangers think that
they can sit down next to me

and tell me their problems
like I'm a therapist.

Like you did just now.

Wow.

You're kind of a bitch.

And yet no one can
tell from my face.

Bye person I don't know.

[Aurora sighs]

Sorry.

It's just that my boyfriend,

he broke up with me on a
silent retreat when he knew,

he knew I couldn't
say anything.

Yeah, that sounds tough.

I also have bunions.

The #MeToo movement

has put a spotlight on
the deep rooted problem

of sexual harassment
and assault.

Men are now feeling

uncomfortable
working with women.

Mhm, mhm.
-Yep.

What can we do to
help the situation?

Let's be part of
the solution.

Guys, come on,
roll up your sleeves.

I want to brainstorm here.

Anybody?

Grant?

Ah, no more one-on-one meetings,
only slack channel.

[affirmative chatter]

Ah, ah!

You don't need hands, guys.

Just shout it out. Ellie.

Uh, okay, uh, uh,
no eye contact.

If you see them in the hall,
just turn and face a wall.

Boss:
Good.

Oh! Leave a trail of breadcrumbs
outside the office door

that leads right outside the
building and then lock the door.

Grant:
Women love breadcrumbs.

[overlapping talking]

Grant:
Hire animals instead.

Wombats and Eagles!

Marsupials are awesome!

Hey, there's no rule that
says you can't hire a dog

to work at an
insurance firm.

Could be tricky but I'm
gonna write it down.

Ellie:
No aphrodisiacs
in the office.

So that means no
chocolate or oysters.

Dammit!

Ah.
-Oh, sorry.

Oh oh, what do you do

when you need to keep a
bear away from a camp?

Do that.

Oh yeah. Yeah, no, no, no.

We'll collect
their menstrual blood

and we'll sprinkle it around
the perimeter of the building

'cause they won't cross
it if it's not theirs.

Man:
Yeah!

Boss:
Bells!

We make them wear bells!

[everyone cheers]

[chanting] Bells,
bells, bells, bells!

Wait! Wait, guys!

Wait! Wait!

What if we just
changed our behaviour?

I-?

Or, we could have a
blue angel contest.

[affirmative cheering]

Two, one!

Ooooh!

[cheering]

[air horn blaring]Ah!

Oh my gosh.
[bells ringing]

Hiya, there you go, hiya.

It's okay, come on.

It's okay, come on.

Uh, what's this
all about then?

Oh, I just told Art

his hugs couldn't last
longer than five seconds.

Ah.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm sure you've all seen
the papers this morning.

Our company is in trouble.

Someone has been
talking to the press

and my guess is we
have a whistleblower.

Oh god.
[whistles]

Jeez, listen.
[whistles]

I don't [whistles]
want to say anything.

Um, [whistles]

but uh, Steve,
[whistles]

he's not here today.

So these two with
their glasses,

[whistling] very suspicious.

Very suspicious.

Just-

[long whistle]

Something to
think about.

Okay.

Judy, you make an
excellent point.

Uh, we'll fire those two.

We'll fire the four of you
just to be on the safe side.

You at the end,
you can stay

and Judy you're promoted.

[whistling triumphant tune]

[sombre music]

Carolyn:
Oh no.

Is Sandra speaking?

No, no, she's a horrible
public speaker.

She's a wreck in
front of crowds.

She's been taking some improv
classes to help her confidence.

She'll be great.
You'll see.

You think so?

Okay.

Mom was the best mother
and a loving wife.

But what many people
don't know is that,

even though she
was a housewife,

she always dreamed
of becoming-

And can I get
an occupation?

Any occupation at all?

Oh my god,
is she doing improv?

Sandra:
Any occupation?

Florist!

Sandra: I heard florist.
-I don't know.

Thank you, ma'am,
I heard florist.

Mom always wanted
to be a florist.

Okay, and uh,
can I get, uh,

some kind of emotion,
like sadness or anger?

Any kind of emotion?

Astonishment.

Astonishment!

I'll take astonishment.

Uh, and now we're going
to hear the story

of the astonished florist.

And uh, can I get
a style of music?

Anyone?

Jazz.

Jazz!

♪ Oh, I dream of
being a florist.

♪ 'Cause this life is
just the boringest.

♪ You should go
and get a... ♪

a sign.

And that's the song
about being a florist.

Um, thank you very
much, everybody.

Um, thank you
for coming.

Yes. And-

[slow awkward clapping]

Is, um, Colin Mochrie
up next or?

[dramatic music]

Defence:
Your Honour, Doug Matthews
couldn't have killed his wife.

The security tape clearly
shows that he was at-

Objection, Your Honour.

The security tape wasn't
entered into evidence.

Defence:
His supervisor says
he was there and-

Prosecutor:
Objection, Your Honour!

Hearsay.

Councillors, approach.

[sighs]

Judge:
Look, this is a
criminal trial,

so we don't have
time for this,

but who does he look like?

I know, right?

God, it's been
driving me crazy.

Is it a singer or
is it an actor?

Defence:
Oh oh oh oh, uh,
who's the guy from CSI?

Oh, uh, uh,
William Peterson.

Defence:
The other one?

Gary Sinise?

No, it's the, um, it's the
guy who sang the theme song.

Roger Daltrey?
-Yeah.

What?

Excuse me,
Your Honour.

Um-
[clears throat]

What about a young
William Hurt?

Oh, closer,
but that's not it.

Uh, Your Honour?

Judge:
Mr. Matthews, please
refrain from commenting.

Is it somebody more famous
like Harrison Ford?

I'm sorry.
Is this a joke?

Oooh, joke, joke.

Oh, that's it.
That's it.

It's a funny,
it's a funny guy.

It's the movie about
the, um, news?

It's Anchorman,
the anchorman.

[overlapping talking]

Will Ferrell!
Will Ferrell!

Will Ferrell! Guilty!

What?

What a relief.
-Okay.

That's unfortunate.

Wooo.

What's that?

Why didn't you object?

Well you really
do look like him.

No, it's true.
It is really uncanny.

Hey, I told you to
wear a white shirt.

What does the shirt
have to do with it?

Can I just get a
photo with you or?

Prosecutor:
Oh that's a great idea.

What have you
been up to?

Meredith:
Oh well, life's
been super busy.

But um, I did manage to
read five books this week.

Aurora: Five books!?
- Yeah.

Oh my god,
you're amazing.

Oh no, I'm not.

I just download an
audiobook to an MP3

and then I read it while I'm
like cooking or cleaning,

doing dishes,
watching TV.

I don't know what to say.

I love to read.
-You're incredible.

Meredith:
Oh stop it.

Well, I wouldn't exactly
say that she's incredible.

Excuse me?

Well, I just mean she's
not really reading

five books a week.

I-I did. I-I read five books.

You listened to somebody else
read five books, but yeah.

Yeah, that's the same things.

[giggles] Yeah. It's uh,

it's not the same thing.

It's the same thing.

So, uh, what books
did you read?

I, um,

I read Seasick by
Alana Mitchell.

I hear it's amazing.

It's a heavy read but I managed
to keep doing the dishes.

Good, because
you're incredible.

Oh, my, no, stop.

What else?

Carolyn:
Don't tell me Proust while
you were doing your taxes?

Seriously, just ignore her.

Carolyn:
Or, um, oh let me guess,

Tolstoy while you were
pruning the garden?

Or, uh, Crime and Punishment

while you're driving the
kids to silks practice?

What do you care what she
reads and when she reads it?

It has nothing to do-
- Well she's not really reading.

Listening, when
she's listening.

No, I don't care
what she listens to.

Listening to someone
to read you a story

is a little different than
actually reading a book.

They're two
different things.

Just let's not
call it reading.

Am I right?

Am I right? Like,
you know what reading is.

And listening
to an audiobook

while that's still
a fine experience,

it's just not reading.

My friend here

has a degenerative
macular eye condition

and she has such
little time left

to enjoy even the
simplest of colours,

much less the luxury
of a paperback novel.

In fact, every time that
she reads something,

even by accident,

her time to see goes down.

So maybe you need to expand your
definition of what reading is.

Why don't you just
keep on gatekeeping us

and everybody else
in this cafe?

It's okay.
-No it isn't.

You know what?
Let's go.

I'm having a, you know,
I just don't-

Sure, I just need drops.
I need-

[stammering] Here,
let me get your glasses.

Oh god.

Could you help
me with those?

Here, I'll just, just,

I want you to avoid this wall
'cause there's a menu on it.

So don't even-
-Alright.

Okay, here, let me get you-

Just watch the edge
of the table there.

Meredith:
It's nice meeting you.

Aurora:
It wasn't.

Anybody here actually read?

Fountainhead's a great book.

Ayn Rand.

I mean, come on everyone.

Am I right?

Sorry, I didn't hear you.
I was reading.

Okay. Okay.

Fuck my life.

Okay.

[sigh]

Hey, Annie.

Oh, hey.
-Hey, how's it going?

I'm pretty good, yeah.-Good, good.

I'm-I'm so sorryto intrude and

I don't know if it's
any of my business but-

I heard that you, like,

really lost your
shit this morning.

Yeah.
- Yeah.

So I thought I'd
help out and

got ya this to help
make up for it.

Oh.
- Yeah.

Uh-
- Anyway,

you don't have to
thank me or whatever

I totally know you'd do the same for me if I ever lost mine, so.

You know, we
support each other.

I had a big morning and
had plenty to spare.

Anyway, take care, okay.

Thank you.

Ah.

Co-Worker:
I gotcha, girl.

I gotcha.

I might even have
some more at lunch.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

All right,here we go.

Girls' night out!

[cheering]

God, I have been looking
forward to this all week.

Right?
-Yeah.

It's time for the girls
to get the F out.

Woo!
-Yeah.

To the girls.

Alright, out, out,
out, out, out.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Bye! Get out.

Child:
I don't want to go to
another sleepover.

Yes you do.
Yes you do.

We'll have them back
in the morning.

Okay.

Women's night in!

[cheering]

Alright, now where's
the cheesecake?

Yes, we need that.

Josie:
Yeah, and like rain on your
wedding day isn't ironic,

you know?

I know, like somebody
get her a dictionary.

[coughing] I know, right.

[coughing]

Everything alright?
-Yeah. [coughs]

[coughing]

Oh.

Blood.

Jesus Christ, Josie.

Oh, no, no,
it's fine.

I totally forgot I
had beets yesterday.

What? No.

Josie:
Oh yeah, I'm always doing
that thing where, you know,

you cough up beets and you think
it's blood, typical Josie.

Co-worker:
No, no, that's-that's not
the thing with beets.

Did you know

that "You Oughta Know"

might be about Dave Coulier?

I think we should
go to the hospital.

If that's true.

Dave Coulier,
lucky guy.

Co-worker:
Sweetheart, the beets thing

that's for the downstairs
stuff like the-the out.

Oh yeah,
that's happening too.

Co-worker:
Oh shit, okay.

Well we're going now.

Yeah, yeah, you just leave that.
-Alright.

[gasps] Wait!
-Whoa.

I got it.

The whole song is ironic
because nothing in it's ironic.

Okay just go, go, go, go.
-I feel much better now.

Yes, okay, good. Good.

It's getting dark around
the edges of my vision.

Oh shit! Oh god,
oh god, oh god, oh god!

[festive music]
[background chattering]

Okay, well.

Sally:
It smells delicious.

I cannot wait to dig in.

I can't either.

Father:
But before we do,

how 'bout we have our
guests lead us in prayer?

Sally?
-Oh my goodness me.

I just, I'm not
really religious.

I didn't grow up with that.
You do it.

You all know what
you're doing here.

Father:
Oh no no,
here's the thing,

we don't care if you believe
or what you believe.

In this house,

we appreciate the views and
ideas of our different guests.

So that's why we always have
the guests do the prayer.

Sally:
It's just that, um, the
new boyfriend Jeremy

should have told me that

before I met his family
for the first time.

He didn't mention that.
-Okay.

It's my fault.

It's always your fault.

Well from the heart.

Sally:
Okay. Sure.

Here we go.
-Yeah.

Okay.

You are, okay.

Um, Dear Lord,

I thank you for this
wonderful meal.

And for these gracious people
for having me in their home.

I feel so welcomed by
my boyfriend's family-

Father: Amen.
-His awesome, cool-

I'm going to
get into it.

I can do better.
I can do better.

His awesome,
cool family.

You guys are super cool.
And thank you.

So I just, you
know what? Great-

I need to speak to
God right now for you

'cause I'm going to show
you that I can do this

and you're going to
see this, great Lord.

♪ Yeah

Or great lady or Vishna
or Buddha or Allah

or anyone really like who's
up there or down there.

I'm talking about 666.

You know the number
of the beast.

Okay.
-Sorry. That's too much.

But maybe he's
just misunderstood.

Maybe Satan's a
really good guy.

Actually, can I tell you
all something right now?

A lot of wars were
started by religion

and that is just a fact.

I'm just getting going.

I really feel
good about this.

Thank you for
letting me speak.

This bread is his body.

Amen.
- No.

It's a bit big.

Sorry, and wine is his blood.

And the salt is his
dandruff and we eat that.

So you be shouldn't be
embarrassed by yours.

You know what this
is Aunt Terry?

Jesus's penis.
-No, no, no, no.

Oh my god.
-I shouldn't have said-

No I just-

Oh no!

♪ Glad I met your mom.
[off-tune synthesizer music]

♪ I'm glad I met your dad

Jesus is hot.

You know who else is hot?

Mary, 'cause I'm fluid.

Let's just be open.

This is a Holy Trinity
that I can get behind

Jesus, Mary and me. Yes.
-No no no no no.

No, you're just-
-Those were Nana's.

I'm sorry, is this still
part of the prayer?

Sally:
Yes.

♪ Devilled eggs,
[off-tune synthesizer music]

♪ devilled eggs are they
good or are they bad? ♪

Does anybody want to
have Christmas dinner?

Oh, I do.

Forgive me Father
for I have sinned.

Father:
Well this isn't a confession.

Sally:
So I took a poo
at a guy's house.

Oh lord.

That guy over there.

And I didn't flush

because I jumped in the
shower right after.

Baby, tell them how big
it was with my hands.

Tell me when to stop.
- Oh you don't have to do that.

How big, was it this big?

Jeremy:
Stop. It was like
a four coiler.

It was.
-Oh my god.

♪ Devilled eggs again
-Do not sing with her, no.

♪ Devilled eggs,
devilled eggs ♪

I would like you to
leave now, please.

When did I lose you?

It was the poo thing.

No, it was way before that.

Way before that?