All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E07_English

[soft gentle music]

♪

Oh, this tree means
something to you too?

Ah, no, no I just,

I just saw you here

and I thought it looked
like a good idea.

Beautiful tree.

Oh.

Maybe if we, uh,

spread it together it will
be like they're doing it.

[laughs]

This is my husband.

Oh yeah, okay, that
doesn't make sense,

this is my cat, so.

Big cat.

He's a really big cat.

Really big cat.

Like a really big cat.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Hey.
- Hey.

Um, you know earlier

when you told me my skin
looked really good.

Yeah.

What did you mean?

I meant like,

like your skin looks good.

Aurora:
Okay, but did you mean like,

I have actually really
bad skin normally

but today for me it's okay?

I feel like I just meant
like it looked good.

Okay great,
thank you.

Meredith:
You're welcome.

Hey.
- What?

Um, you know when you said that
we should hang out some time,

did you mean that we
should hang out some time

or was it more like,

I'm just saying this

and I don't want to
offend my co-worker

because I didn't invite
her to my birthday party,

but I actually would
never consider

actually hanging
out with you?

I feel like I really want
to hang out with you

like I like you

and I know that the office

doesn't allow relationships
between co-workers

so I thought to myself,

"Oh my gosh wouldn't it be
great to hang out with you

"outside of the office".

Okay great.
- Okay.

Thank you for that, sorry.
-It's fine.

When you say like-

I mean love,

like I like love so bad.

Love love or like I
love going for walks?

Like I'm attracted to you.
-Right.

Like my heart feels seen and
whole when you're around.

Okay.
-Yeah.

Um, so when you say attracted-

I want to fuck you.

Bad.

Okay, thank you. As you were.
-Yeah.

Hey, so when you
said "as you were"

did you mean like,

hey I'm shutting this

conversation down
with this weirdo

who just screamed
"I want to fuck you"

in front of the
whole office?

And I'm seriously considering

filing a sexual
harassment claim?

Or are you like,
"as you were",

like, yeah,
I'm into that.

I'm into her leather pants?

The first one,
it was the first one.

You're gonna file something.

So I shouldn't
have screamed?

Aurora:
I mean, when you
say shouldn't,

do you mean I regret doing that a little bit but hey sera sera?

Or like-

I feel like if you don't
want to fuck me back,

I feel like I regret that

and if you're
telling our boss

feel like I made you feel
uncomfortable in any way.

I just want to circle back to
when you said uncomfortable.

Okay, yeah.

Do you mean like
deeply disturbed? Or-

Probably.

Like my pants are a little bit
tight but I can deal with it?

Oh I wouldn't say it's
about my pants being tight.

I'd say it's more like
I'm dying inside.

Okay, great.
- Yeah.

I'm just going to put
all of that in an email.

Meredith:
Sure.

Teacher:
Overall, Billy is a
very sweet little boy.

Yeah.
-That's great to hear.

Of course.

Before you go though I-I-I would
like to show you one thing.

Oh.

Teacher:
I asked the class to
draw a family portrait

and I'd like to show
you what Billy drew.

All right.

Mom:
Oh my god.

Teacher:
Do you have any idea why he would depict you both like this?

Dad:
Aaahh...

You know what,
I'm going to google it.

I'm going to message my sister
about her psychologist friend.

Dad:
Okay, I'm on a message board
right now.

She's giving us a referral.

Dad:
Okay.

Okay, thank you so much
for all this information

about my son's inner life

and I'm so glad to connect
with you about this.

Thank you, thank you Ms. Lake.

Ocean.
- Oh, Ocean.

Teacher: Watch the chair, yeah.
-Thank you. Thank you.

[deep sigh]

Our future is so fucked.

[deep sigh]

Yeah so as you can see

I took Marie Kondo's advice
and tidied up my life.

And now,

now I'm just
surrounded by objects

that spark the
purest joy in me.

[uncomfortable chuckle]

Um, I feel like I need to
reiterate to you that I, um,

like I only like
you as a friend.

Oh, oh yeah,
yeah that's cool,

that's cool,

cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,

it's cool.

Yeah.

Jennifer:
So much joy, so much joy.

Director:
And ultimately I
suppose that despite

or even because of
those challenges

it became the most
rewarding experience

of my professional career.

Well thank you so much for
premiering your movie,

Northern Quest with
us here tonight.

We're going to open this
up to some questions.

Someone will be coming
around with a mic.

Please limit yourself
to one question only.

Whoa.
-Oh.

Hello.
[microphone feedback]

Hi, I'm Darlene,

I'm your film
fest moderator.

That's actually not necessary.

I fear it is.
You're gonna thank me later.

A few rules concerning
mic etiquette.

Do not touch the mic.
The mic is mine.

I repeat the mic is mine.

Please, let me do my job.

Okay.

Nobody's stopping you.

Director:
Oh I think we have a
question right here-

Ba, ba, ba, bop!
I'm on it Terry.

Hep!

[military drum marching music]

Oh, oh.

Ah, hi, ah,
loved the film.

Um, any chance of a sequel?

Director: Well it is early days but there is a spec script. So ah-

Woman:
Oh and are you going
to bring back the-

Hohp, is the mic on you?

No. So you can't speak.
Those are the rules.

What's your name?
-Janet.

Darlene:
You got it all wrong.
You need to sit down.

Hep, let's go.

Ah, we've got some-

Boys, move your legs,
move your legs and go.

K, ah-
-Don't touch the mic,
don't touch the mic.

I-I-
-Can you speak into the mic,
don't touch the mic.

Don't touch the mic.
What's your name?

My name's Linda.

Linda, please don't
touch the mic.

Okay. Where did you get
that super cute dog

at the beginning of the film?
And, why-

Darlene: No, that's a two part question. Moving on. Hep!

Director:
It's a funny story actually,
it was the-

Hey, hey, hey,

I am the one
with the mic.

Don't touch it,

don't look at it,

don't even think about it.

And don't try and trick me
'cause it won't end well.

Do you understand me?

Bonnie, you know what
I'm talking about.

Darlene, I promise you no
one is trying to trick you.

Woman: I have a question.
[microphone rumbling]

Do you want me to
just pass the mic?

Darlene:
What did I just say?

I said no touching the mic.

What did you just say?

You want to touch my mic?

What's your name?

It's Brian.
- Brian, you're done.

You've embarrassed yourself,
now please go.

I have a question
with two parts.

Darlene:
Nope!

Jesus, Brian!

Just let her ask a question!

Okay, we asking questions
in two parts now,

is that how it's
going to go?

One, how important
is your question?

Two, how important
are your nuts?

I would say very important
to both of those.

Do you like your dick
where it is, Brian?

That's a third question.

Yeah you better run!

You better run, Brian!

Darlene!
-What?

Bonnie:
That's enough,
give me the mic.

Darlene:
That was Brian's fault.

He was saying about his
dick and everything.

That's what he
was doing, Bonnie.

You've lost your mic privileges,
give me the mic.

Oh my god, please
don't take my mic.

I'll take care of your cat,
whatever you want.

No no no, please, please
don't take my mic.

Don't take my, you all
want to take my mic

but you can't have my mic
because it's my mic!

Good luck with your
goddamn Q&A!

Your hair is shit!

Okay, I can take
a few questions.

Fantastic.
-That's quite all right.

Hi, less of a question
and more of a comment.

Your movie was really bad.

Brian:
Okay, I made a short film that
was way better than this.

Ah, I guess my question is,
where do you get off?

Ahhh...
-Are you casting your next film?

No.

Can I go home?

Director:
Could we, um, could
we get her back?

Darlene!

[applause and cheering]
[uplifting music]

Yo, yo, yo, yo and yo,

I never left,
you know why?

'Cause I live in
the cloak room

and that's why I can bring
all my mics to work.

I am looking for a roommate.

Brian, I saw you
eyeing me so-

Fuck you!

Any more questions?

That's right,
I'm coming for you.

Here we go! Hep!

Just wanted to know like when
you were gonna stop talking?

Director:
Oh never.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Morning.

Oh, thank you,
you're a lifesaver.

You're welcome.

Isn't it just a gorgeous
day out there?

God, it is so sunny.

On the way to work,
I was thinking,

"Why don't I bike to work?"

That is such a good idea.

Cuts down on traffic.

It's good for the environment.

Aurora:
This city is full of
beautiful bike paths.

Guys, why aren't
we biking to work?

I just don't even
ever think of it.

Meredith:
I know.

[panting]

[loud panting]

Ah, ooh, ah, ah, mmm.

[breathless] I am so sorry. My-

So sorry.

I biked to work.

[panting]

Oh right, that's why.

So maybe,
freshen up a bit.

Take a second, wow.
- Yeah yeah.

You might want to take off
your jacket and then burn it.

There's something up your-

Burn your clothes, yeah.

[mystical ominous music]

Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay, the spirits are,
they're showing me a man

and he's tall.
-Mhm.

He has dark hair and, uh,
like his chin is very weak.

Oh my god.

He's not a strong.

And they're showing me like
a letter 'K' for his name,

or something like Kyle.

I can't believe
that's-that's my boyfriend.

That's my boyfriend.

That is your boyfriend.
-That's my boyfriend.

Okay, well you need
to break up with him.

What?

What? Why?
-Because...

he is never going to start that
band he keeps talking about.

Yes, he's always talking, yes.

He's needy.

Yeah.

He's ah, he's controlling.
-A little bit.

And he-

his mouth, he chews
with his mouth open.

Oh my gosh that is so Kyle.

Are you-
-Yeah, that's him. Yeah.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, well If you don't
end this relationship,

you will end up
friendless and alone.

And also, they show
me something, um,

like it's like a desert.

Something about a desert,

like there is a sand
situation like a-

Oh my god, yes,

it's Burning Man Festival.

I had an incredible time.

It was a turning point
in my life.

I had started so many
new relationships-

Okay, no.

They say you need to let it go,
dude, no one cares.

They showed it to me.

I'm sorry.

And no more desert talk.

No, I won't.

That's going to be
harder than the breakup.

Yeah.
-But thank you.

Kyle is going to
be devastated.

I know.

You go in peace.
-Call you later.

[door closes]

Wow, that was amazing.
-Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to bring
her back next week and, uh,

here's forty dollars,

I'm going to need you to get her
to stop talking about CrossFit.

Okay, no problem.

But anything fitness
related is extra, so.

You're the professional,
I trust you.

Yeah.
-Tell the spirits I say hi.

Yeah.
- Woo, okay.

Phew.

[sniffs]

Ah, you're legal now.

No, honestly, I haven't seen
that movie in like thirty years.

It was like-

It makes me want to
dye my bush red.

I love Molly so much.

[laughing]

I mean, the film has some
issues that are like-

No!

I enjoyed it.

You know what,
let's get out of here.

What?
-Um...

Yeah.

Hi!
-Hey, hi.

We're gonna just-

Hi!
-Hey, hi.

Who's, uh, your new friend?

Ah, [stammering] Kirsten,

these are my, uh, friends from
my queer theory reading group.

Hello.
-Oh, hi!

I didn't know you were
in a gay book club.

Oh it's, um, it's
a queer theory-

[in unison] It's a queer
theory read group.

Okay.

Yeah, it's a thing.

Ah, well what brings
you around the park?

Oh we meet up every Thursday
for our queer walk.

Oh.
-The queer walk.

Fun.

Moynan: Yeah this week we're discussing Sarah Ahmed's theorization

of the feminist killjoy, so.

Mhm.

Boring!

It-it's actually
quite interesting.

Is it?
-Yeah.

What about you?

Oh we were just catching
a retro movie night

down in the park
in the Dog Bowl.

Oh, what did you see?

What? Na? Hm?

What did you see?

Ah, gosh, I can't even
remember, I forget.

Was it "When Night is Falling"
or "High Art"?

Elvira: Or "Forbidden Love the Unashamed Stories of Lesbian Lives"?

Carolyn:
It might have been that.
I think we saw that.

Kirsten: It wasn't that.
- No?

Sixteen Candles, baby!

[humming]

Ah yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, racist date rape
movie from the 1980s.

It is a problematic film.

Highly problematic.
-It's highly problematic.

Kirsten:
Well, I'll tell you what
was highly problematic,

everyone forgetting Sam's
sixteen frickin' birthday.

Everyone.

Mhm.

Yeah, we, um, we watched
the film through the, um,

critical lens of
Molly Ringwald's article

in the New Yorker.

And she made some really
salient points about

both its progressive
and problematic nature.

Moynan:
Absolutely and it's so timely
that she wrote that right now.

It's a great article.

It's a really important read.

It's super important.
-Certainly now.

But if you look at the movie
through an intersectional lens,

it seems like-
Kirsten: Oh, yes!

Like when Jake Ryan

is at the intersection of
Sam's sister's wedding,

just leaning on the car.

Gung, gung, cross.

No, um, sorry, sorry.
-Intersection.

Intersectionality is a

[in unison] feminist
theoretical model

that, uh, looks at the
interconnectedness of race,

class, ability,

sexual orientation
and gender

in relation to social and
political oppressions.

I knew that.

Of course you did. Crenshaw.
Everybody knows it.

Crankshaw.

It's Crenshaw.

Anyway, we'll be at the queer
film fest next week though.

Oh, see you there.

Kirsten:
No, we're seeing, um,

Back to the Future,
remember babe?

Oh right, yeah you wanted-

Yeah, yeah we're going to
see Back to the Future.

Actually, I think this
movie might unshackle us

from the normative
constraints of linear time

and help us embrace
the queer temporality

that touches time
through time.

Hot.
-Wow.

Smoking hot theory, right.

Wow, that's amazing,
good point.

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes, ow!

You mumbled that in your
sleep the other night

and I popped it up here in
the old noodle factory,

wrote it on my hand and saved
it for a moment just like this.

Wow.
-Yeah.

Carolyn:
So much forward thought.

She writes things
down when I say them.

She's the best.
-Toot, toot!

All right, bye.

Bye bye.
-Okay.

She has a type.

Oh yeah, that is a type.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[teeth brushing]

[deep sigh]

Hey babe.

Mhm?

Do you think things are
getting a bit stale?

Sorry, what did you say?

I just, I don't know,
I just feel like-

I don't know, I just
feel you're not as

into it as you
used to be.

Is that, is that fair?

I really don't know
what to say to that?

Husband:
No, I'm not, ugh,

I don't want to-

I'm not trying to have-have
a fight about this.

I just think maybe it would
be fun to kind of, you know,

spice things up a bit.

Maybe you could talk
dirty to me, right.

Oh.
- You know, like you
speak francais.

Maybe you could say some French,
might be kind of hot.

Oh, oh, oh, so if I
talk French that would

make it less stale for you?

Oh oui, oui, oui,
wah, wah, wah.

Bibliotheque.

Okay, whatever that is.

Yeah [chuckles].

Mhm.

So what was that part?

What's that part?

Pants off, pants off,
pants off?

Okay.

Oh okay, um,

I don't know what you
said a second ago

but it was something
about mis-miserable penis

and Kris de cross,
but what is that?

A fart fabric?Can we just-

can we switch toEnglish for a second?

English fora second.

What?

Kris de CrossFit?

Ah, ah, ah!

Whoa.

Shh, shh, shh, no, ah.

Ahhh! Ah!

Oh you're still going.

Holy shit.
-Ah, ah, [panting].

[panting]

There you go.

[panting]

Ah, oui.

Ce vas mal.

Could you brush
your teeth please.

Yep.

Mm. Mm.

Ariana:
I just find that I
actually don't need

to smoke during the day

because if I just like
keep it every night

it's kind of situational-

[indistinct overlapping talk]

Guys, come on.
-Yes?

What?
-What?

Jennifer:
The three of you together
put in seventy dollars

and the bill's five hundred,

which means I'm paying
430 dollars for a salad.

That's expensive lettuce.

Okay, wow.
- Yeah, I'll say.

No, you guys do this
to me all the time.

I'm not having it again.

Who ordered the rosé?

Ah, Ariana did.

What?

No, I did not order the rosé.
What are you talking about?

[suspenseful music]

You know what, I'm-

I'm just gonna have a salad

because I'm frugal
and restrained.

Ariana, what are
you going to have?

Ah, spring is coming

and my ovaries are pumping
out good feelings,

ladies let's go wild and order
rosé for the table on me!

[laughs]

Oh, I-I don't think I
would talk that way

and I hate rosé and it
was also Whitney, so.

What?!
-Yes.

Are you kidding me?

You ordered the rosé.

I'm pretty sure.

[suspenseful music]

Well, I am doing keto so I'll
just have a side of broccolini.

What about you Whitney?

Oh, you're going to
die lonely and alone

if you keep starving
yourself girl.

Suck the marrow out of life.

Let's have the rosé.

You think I'm the kind of person
who is going to paint myself

in a different
light in the past,

so that I can look
better in hindsight?

And just gloss over
all my faults.

You are completely wrong.

Obviously it was Kristina.

Oh my, no! It wasn't!
-It was!

Why would you say that?!

Because I saw what I saw!

Kristina:
No!

Carpe diem, bitches!

Carpe diem!

No, no, don't drink!

[suspenseful music]

[screaming]

What?!
-How do you think I got all wet?

Are you insane?
-It's plausible.

Obviously somebody
ordered the rosé.

It really cannot be me.

Look, your lipstick is
all over your glass.

[indistinct overlapping talking]

[suspenseful dramatic music]

Waiter, bring us your
finest wines! [laughs]

We're out of Bordeaux.

Just give me that awful rosé.

They're so drunk they don't
know what they're drinking.

[laughing and clamouring]
[suspenseful dramatic music]

Well thank you so much ladies.

[indistinct overlapping yelling]

Get the fuck out, go!

[chuckling]

What the?

I guess you shouldn't have
put all that shitty rosé

on their bill.

I didn't order them any rosé.

Actually, I'm pretty sure you-

[suspenseful chords]