All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E06_English

[soft rhythmic humming]

[chanting] Light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board,

light as a feather,
stiff as a board-

Slowest movers ever.

I know.

[crashing]

Sorry.

I didn't break it,
everything's okay.

It's just the robe,
this one's a long one.

Homeowner:
Okay, you know what?

Can I help you?

If you could carry this
that would be great.

I'll help out in the truck.

Meredith:
Would you just grab
one of those boxes?

Homeowner:
Here, I'll just
pass you the key.

Thank you.

I might burn
myself though.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Hey, nice belt.

You have any idea when
this bus is coming?

No.

What?

I don't know.

You don't have to be
a bitch about it.

[exciting music]And time!

Woo, what?

You did it!

You broke the record!

What's happening?

[clapping and cheering]

Congratulations!

On behalf of the Guinness
Book of World Records,

I would like to
acknowledge that, um,

sorry what's your name?

Uh, Tyler.

Of course it's Tyler.

Tyler, you are the
fastest man in the world

to verbally accost a woman

right after flirting with her

with an incredible time,
under thirty seconds.

I'm here with the new
world record holder.

Tyler, they're calling you
"The Ass and the Furious".

What was your
strategy here today?

I don't know, ah,

I wasn't thinking.

Incredible.

They say turn your
weakness into a strength

and that's exactly
what you did.

I guess I, um,

I guess I should say that my
mom was a big part of this.

Oh no [chuckles].
No, no, no, no, no,

this was all you Tyler.

Own it.

Yeah, okay.

I did it!

It was me.

[chanting] Tyler,
Tyler, Tyler, yeah!

[triumphant music]

[sighs] I still don't
think he gets it.

Aw, let him have it,

he'll never win
anything else.

[sombre organ music]

Lawyer:
On this, the occasion
of your husband,

father,

grandfather's passing,

Olsen Montgomery has
entrusted me with sharing his

last will and testament.

He must be worth a fortune.

One would think.

[lawyer clears throat]

To you, his beloved
wife, Deidre,

Olsen leaves the fruits
of his forty years

as CEO of Offshore Oil.

His estate and
all his holdings.

Sorry, all his-

all his holdings?

[Pamela chuckles]

Pamela:
That's a lot for,
for Deidre.

[lawyer clears throat]

To you, his beloved daughters
Carol and Pamela,

Olsen leaves 5 billion-

litres of refined oil spilled
in the North Atlantic Ocean

and all the dead
wildlife therein.

Oh what-

Lawyer:
To his grandchildren,

Piffany, Coil,

he leaves 2 million

hectares of destroyed
Brazilian rainforest

and all the carbon
released as a result.

And finally,

to his eldest son Timothy,

he leaves a legacy of misguided patriarchal superiority

and of course,

a toxic masculinity.

Yes!

What about grandpa's
environmental fall out bunker

in New Mexico?

That's for Olsen's own
cryogenically frozen body

in case they discover a
cure for his illness.

Dammit!
-Dammit!

Well, sorry kids,

he really boned us
all on this one.

I think I did pretty well.

Yes, except for you Deidre,
you did great.

Except for you Mommy.

Deidre.
-Okay, Deidre.

Come on kids, let's
get out of here.

Call an Uber,

we're going to McDonalds.

I really have to go.
-How long is it really?

I am not embarrassed.
-35 minutes plus the drive?

I own what I have to do.

I feel like I need to
apologize to these-

Hello.

[glass clinking]

Sorry, can I just get your
attention for a second.

Sorry, it's just normally
I know I don't do this

but seeing as there's
just one of these,

there's just a bathroom
in a very tiny space,

I think you all should know

that I'm going to go
do a thing in there

and it's not a number one,

honey what's it going to be?

It's going to be a number two.

Meredith:
It's going to be a
number two, okay.

And there's no point
in me hiding it

'cause when that barn door
opens and that smell hits you,

you're all going to be giving
me the weird looks anyways,

so here it is,
I'm sorry.

I'm really,
really truly sorry.

And that's the end
of the speech,

that's all we're going to
have to hear about it.

Actually, you know what,

-Okay.I am going to tell you
one thing right now.

I have uploaded a ten minute
video of game show bloopers,

so if you hear anything,
sweetheart,

anything coming
from this washroom,

those are laughs, okay.

I'm not grunting
the day away.

I'm not like [grunts]
watching Jeopardy.

You know what I'm doing?

Husband:
You're laughing at
bloopers from game shows.

Meredith:
That's right.

Also,

nobody, I mean nobody

come to this door and
start jiggling it

when I'm making
my music in there

'cause you know
what's gonna happen,

every time you
jiggle on this door,

you're going to have to
wait another four minutes

-Just gets longer. because I can't go
under pressure.

Speaking of waiting,

baby you need to
entertain yourself.

Get your earphones out,
slap those in,

listen to that podcast that
you are always referencing.

It's really good.

In conclusion, what
are you two doing?

Why'd you sit right
by the crapper, huh?

I won't be able to focus
in there taking a dump

thinking of you
two out here.

This is what we're going to do,
we're going to move your table.

No, ma'am-
- Let's move this.

Pete.-Here I go, I'll help
you move the table.

Oh wow, that's-that's heavy.

Sit back down, sit back down.
-It's too heavy? Okay I'll sit.

He's got a hemorrhoid,

he pulls on this,

his hemorrhoid's
gonna pop right out

next time I go down on him,

remember when that
happened last time?

I skimmed it with my hand

and then how long did we go
to counselling for that?

Husband:
Oh god, six months.
I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of you and I don't-
-Vulnerable artist.

I love you, not so
much the hemorrhoid.

Thank you for your attention.

Enjoy your breakfast tacos,
good night, good morning,

here I go,
don't look at me,

don't look at me.

It was just a fart.

Just a fart?
-It was just a fart.

False alarm.

Manager:
[in soothing voice]
So any employees

wishing to be bumped up

to the fifteen dollars
an hour pay grade

must volunteer to work for
sixty-five hours a week.

However, they will only be paid for forty of those hours.

Also, all medical
benefits have been cut.

Oh my god!

Jennifer:
I know, right.

That is so soothing.

Let's listen again.

No, no, what?

What are you guys
talking about?

She's forcing us
to work overtime

with no actual pay increase.

She's taking away
our benefits,

this is terrible.

Is it?
-Yes!

I mean, I don't know,

I'm just so into like listening
to her voice and stuff,

it sounds so good that
I don't really, um-

I don't really listen
to what she says.

You're not listening
to what she's saying?

No, I'm just listening to
the sound of her voice.

Meredith:
You're listening to
a sound of a voice?

Yeah.
-Yeah.

Meredith:
Do you not see that
she's screwing us?

[screams out]
[eerie music]

Hey guys, I'm so glad to find
you all gathered here today.

We're implementing a
new security system.

So I just wanted to
bring it by in the box

and maybe take it
out of the box

and show you what's involved.

So I've already
cut the tape here.

So let's just open the box.

[gentle magical music]

So as you can see,

we have these packing peanuts.

[gentle hypnotic music]
[packing peanuts scraping]

Manager:
And they really
cushion the contents.

So what we're going to
start with is the camera,

so this camera is going to go
on top of your workstation

and it will record
every word that you say

and every keystroke
that you type.

[gentle hypnotic music]

Manager:
And this is actually capable
of sensing your heartbeat,

so we'll actually
be able to tell

what emotion
you're experiencing.

And any employees having a less than optimal mood experience,

what we're going to give you

[magical music]

Is this bracelet.
[words echoing]

Manager:
[echoing] And you will receive

a serotonin injection
automatically.

Packing peanuts.

[echoing] And these will also
take records of your DNA

so that we can get a
comprehensive picture

of your DNA history.

[echoing] And packing peanuts.

And I've got a third
one here for you,

there we go we're just-

DNA history.

You're just gonna
raise up your wrist.

No.
- Raise it up.

That's right.

And again,

we just want to go right
here across the wrist here.

[soft hypnotic music]

Manager:
Okay, so those
are all attached.

Any questions?

Yeah, yeah I do.

I actually have
a few questions.

[soft magical music]

It's good to be me.

Manager:
That's really great, guys.

Thank you so much
for your attention.

And I'll see you guys later.

See you.
- Thank you.

[sighing]

Wait a second,
wait did we just-

Did we just sign
away our privacy?

Did that just happen?

Oh my gosh-
-Don't worry about it.

I recorded
everything she said.

Meredith: What?
-We can listen to it right now.

Manager:
So this camera is going to go
on top of your workstation

and it will record-

[grunting]

Manager:
And every keystroke
that you type.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

The Biggs Lowman equation,

one of the greatest feats
in mathematical reasoning.

An introvert goes to a
crowded office party

and spends 3.14 hours

making small talk
with co-workers.

How long does she have to go
home and spend on the couch

with a bottle of wine

before she can
recalibrate emotionally?

Anybody?

Anyone?

You with the glasses.

Um, four and a half hours?

Really?

Four and a half hours?

Yeah.

Get out of my class.

What?

Get the fuck out of my class.

Okay.

Professor:
Nah, I, sit down.

I'm teaching here.

Anybody else?

Yeah you with the,
uh, with the glasses.

Maybe the party
was fun and

she only needed two
hours by herself?

[mimicking] Maybe
the party was fun.

And she only
needed two hours.

I'm sorry, was
that your answer?

Um, yeah.

Yeah that was your answer.
Get out of my class.

Pack up your iPhone

and your-your Snapchat
and get out of here.

Really? All right.

Professor:
Get out of my class.
No, sit down.

Jesus.

Are you telling me
there is no one here

who can tell me how long the
introvert has to stay at home

on the couch-

I'm sorry, there are
too many variables.

I mean, how loud
was the party?

How good were the snacks?

Bullshit.

Get out of my class.

Do you mean that because the
last two times you didn't.

I mean it.

Get out.

Okay.

Sit down.

I think I know the answer.

[collective gasps]

The janitor.

The introvert never went to
the party in the first place.

[collective gasps]

She knows her limitations
and she fakes a stomach ache

and stays at home on her
couch with her wine.

[Professor chuckling]

Well bravo.

[clapping]

That's the kind of work

that's going to get
ya the Field's Prize.

Sit down janitor,
join the class.

Excellent work.

Bonus question.

A Scorpio tries to pick up
an Aquarius at the bar,

how long is that
going to take?

Janitor:
This is a trick
question, uh,

Scorpio's and Aquarius'
should never date.

[laughs] God you're good.

We've got to get you a
scholarship to the university.

Janitor:
Oh wow.

Yeah. I mean, I

wouldn't know how to do
that but someone should.

Terry where do I file
terrifying pregnancies?

Meredith:
Right by I have to
have a C-Section

but I'm allergic
to morphine.

Beth:
Okay.

Um, oh look you're
back from lunch,

that's good and you got
yourself an ice cream.

Yeah.
-Good for you.

Mhm.
-Good for you.

Well, you know,
it's hot out so.

You know what, I do that
when I'm a little bit sad,

I go out and I get myself
a treat, you know,

so I know what you're
going through.

Oh not sad, I just
wanted an ice cream.

Beth?
-Yeah?

Meredith:
Look at Terry here,
she's got an ice cream.

Oh, look at you.

Look at you.
Good for you.

Just eat that
ice cream and

I hope you get through
that rough patch.

No rough patch at all.

Just wanted an ice cream.

Sure you did.

I'm just wondering if
you could help me-

Oh you got yourself
an ice cream.

Mhm.
-Mhm.

[whispering] You okay?

Yes I'm fine,
thank you.

I was just wondering where
you had your books on

baby toe infections?

Not my baby toe but
my baby's toes.

It's right this way.

Terry, you enjoy
your ice cream, hun!

I, I will.

You don't be ashamed, okay?
-Stay strong.

Hey Terry, just wanted
to see how you're doing,

just checking-

Uh oh.

I'm good.

I know you said you
wanted extra hours

but if you-you need a half day,
just say the word, okay.

Oh my god, no, I don't
need a half day.

I'm having an ice cream becauseI felt like having an ice cream.

I don't know why everyone won't let me just eat my cone in peace

instead making a goddamn
big deal out of it.

Fuuuccckkk!

Okay, this is a
children's book store,

sorry, point taken,

but you're not allowed to
eat food on the floor.

Fine.

Manager:
Okay, okay.

Fine.

Meredith:
There she goes.
There she is, she's-

What's going on with Terry?

Meredith:
Oh Terry, she's just sad so
she's eating an ice cream.

Oh she's mad-

Oh my god, oh my god.

That's a bad day.

She's got the brain freeze.

Yep, she's eating
her feelings.

That's going to
come back up.

You think? Oh no.
-Yeah.

Oh, ah-

Hey Mark, can I, um,
can I steal your power?

Yeah, sure, no problem.

Thanks.

Ugh.
[electricity crackling]

[Mark groaning]
[electricity crackling]

[screaming]

[inhuman grunting]

Argh!

[boom]

[in low gruff voice]
Damn that felt good.

[sighs] Right on.

Take care, man.
[electricity sizzling]

[soft romantic guitar music]

Maria:
And here we go.

Ah Maria, grazie.
-Mhm.

Look.
-Let me see.

It is another masterpiece,
bellisima!

Yes yes yes yes yes.

Um, [clears throat]
what-what-what's this one now?

This is justice,

demanding modesty and
prudence from all mankind.

Okay, that's neat.

Is that justice
there is that who?

Si, see how she holds
the scale symbolizing

-Yeah.her duty to look at the
both sides of a dispute?

Maybe you could
symbolize some

clothes on her.

Artist:
What?

It's just-I was
just thinking like,

maybe as a challenge,
take it or leave,

you could paint some,
oh I don't know,

fabric.

Mm, but there is the fabric,

the look she wear
the blindfold.

Look, this very
good Elisabetta.

I'm finished?

Si, go make yourself ready
for this afternoon's sitting.

Belissima.

Maria:
It's just that over
the past year,

you have painted
how many paintings?

One, two, three,
four, seventy-five.

Seventy-five women and
they are all naked.

That is not true!
- Well...

Sometimes it is a
group of naked women.

Imagine a painting.
- Yes.

Yeah? Okay?
-Mhm.

It's of a woman.

Naturally.

And she has got-

clothes on.

Whoa.
-Mhm.

Whoa.

Like next to her?

No, no, no.

On her body.

All over it.

Clothes all over her.

She draped over the
shoulder but the rest-

Take that draped clothes,
she puts that on,

inside, it's like oh
my god I'm in clothes,

I can't believe it,
I love it.

Ah, I know exactly
what you mean.

Yes?

You must pose for me.

Okay.

You will be my model!
-Yes!

You will sit.

You will wear a
beautiful dress

that will go all the way down
to the floor if you so wish.

Maria:
Okay!

[whispering] I feel like I
should have known better.

Yeah you kind of should
have seen it coming.

Yeah.

So are you just like
a general wench or?

Well actually I started
as a general wench

but now I'm mostly

naked boobie model

with a little bit
of juicy fat ass.

Oh nice.

Elisabetta:
Yeah. I really actually wanted
to be a painter but, you know-

It's not allowed.

No.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Highly regenerative product.

Hey Lana,
how's your weekend?

Oh, you know, not bad.

One of Liam's school
friends got lice,

so we sent him
over there to, uh,

just, you know,
get it over with.

Sorry what?

Lana:
Oh, you know, so he could
catch it and get it over with

'cause, you know,
it's way worse

if you catch lice when
you're an adult, so.

Carolyn:
Ah, I think you're confusing
that with like chicken pox.

Lana:
No.

It's chicken pox you want to
get as a kid, not-not lice.

No no, I'm right.

Look at Linda,

she's got adult lice and it's
going really bad for her.

Linda:
Oh god!

Oh Jesus Christ!

They're so big!

Oh god, I should have done
this when I was a child,

you're so right!

Scalp health is so important andI didn't pay attention to it!

Nobody will help me
because look at me

and they're so large,

oh god, they're sucking
the blood, oh [gasping].

[Linda gasping]

They are like just way
bigger when they're adults.

Carolyn:
Oh, I didn't know this.

I'd help her but-

don't want to.

Okay, now that I've
picked out my dress.

It is gorgeous.
-So gorgeous.

So beautiful.

Okay, well it's my little
bridesmaids turn.

Yay!
-Maid of Honour.

I'm just different from them.
That's fine.

Okay, my little bridesmaids
and my Maid of Honour.

That's right.

Bride:
It's your turn.

It's convertible
bridesmaid dresses.

Yeessssss!
-Oh. You okay?

Oooohhh! Oh my gooood!

Yessssss!

I love it!

Oh I'm so glad.

Okay, so the great
thing about these

is you can wear them
twenty-five different ways

so you can really express your
own individual personalities.

Maid of Honour:
Okay, this is what's
gonna happen.

I'm going to take
your twenty-five

and I'm gonna raise you.

Okay, it's not a competition.

It is, it isn't, but it
could be, it might be.

I don't know what's
gonna happen.

You guys we've gotta hurry.
-Okay.

Maid of Honour:
How long do we have in here?

Bride:
We have half an hour.

Make it three hours. Come on,
speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy.

Aurora:
Oh look, they're
so versatile.

Bride:
It's beautiful.

I really like
the cap sleeves.

Strapless.
-Yeah.

Maid of Honour:
Look at what I did here,

is I put a lot in the sleeve

so I can give the people
what they want down below.

Thoughts?

Maybe just lose the headband andthen I think we can move on.

Maid of Honour:
Also, just a thought.

I'm a marsupial now.
-Oh, okay.

Maid of Honour:
There's a little baby
crying in the wedding,

chuck it up front,
pop it in here,

mama gonna rock it, gonna rock
it while you say your I do's.

I'll just be here,
you'll be in love.

I'll be doing this.
49 to go.

Take a seat. Happy wedding,
happy wedding.

[lively music]

Bride:
Oh.

Sex in the City one,

Carrie Bradshaw,
opening sequence.

[lively music]

Maid of Honour:
You know what,
I'm more of a Miranda.

In a pant suit,
guess what I can do?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're getting married.

Why though?

My wife.

Oh.

Plus, I'm a messy eater so
it's like a two for one.

Bridesmaid:
We're having lobster too.

[in unison] Whoa!

She's elephant woman.

[in unison] Alien! Alien!

[deflated ohs]

You don't even need
a band anymore,

she could just do that.

Psssh!

Oooh.
-Yeah.

[in low gruff voice] I
am your Maid of Honour.

Yeah. I love the cape-

Kuush, buush, buush.

We talked about the
fighting and that.

Kuush, buush, buush.

Roundhouse.

I won't even need
a place setting.

Bride:
I'd just like to get out of here before the actual wedding.

Yeah.

Aurora:
Oh you see the curtains,

this is the issue that I
was telling you about.

Okay, hold on!

Trish, come on, they
want to close the store.

Julia! I picked the band.

I sucked the caterer's dick.

I would appreciate a
little bit of your time.

His balls smelt.

So this one is called
a mullet dress

without the mullet
and just the tail.

[lively country music]

Aurora:
Yes!

Maid of Honour:
Happy wedding.

Peekaboo!

Bride:
No. It's like a
carwash from hell.

You're all getting married
and I'm a Maid of Honour.

Go back to the cape.

Just wait!

This is it, I have an idea.
Hold on.

I'm up here guys.

[collective gasping]

Bride:
Okay enough,

that's the one Trish,
that's the one.

This one?

Bride: Yeah!
-Really?

Bride: Mhm.
-Okay!

Ahhhh!
[gasping]

Shit, Trisha are you okay?

[siren wailing]

How many ways do you
think I could wear this?

One.

Well I'm going
to take your one

and I'm going to raise you
twenty-five different ways.

Oh, no no no.

Maid of Honour:
Ow!

Oh.

[loud groaning]

She's very creative.

She's very creative.
-Very creative.

But just too creative.

[loud sighing]