All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E04_English

[rhythmic rap music]

[sighs]

Seriously?

No, honestly this
is the worst.

Like can't people just
listen to their music

with their headphones on?

And this is a public space.

We should be able to sit
here in peace and quiet

going to our shit jobs

without having to listen to
everybody else's nonsense.

Yeah, you know what,
you're right.

I'm going to say something.

No, no no no don't. Don't.

I don't want to cause a scene.

No no, just watch.

Hey, excuse me, hi.
-Yeah?

I'm sorry, I just had to
come over here and tell you

how much I looove your music.

It's like, so super way cool,

like very on fleek,

makes me want to dab,
you know, dab.

Ugh, god.

[mumbles]

Wow, that was like
embarrassingly brilliant.

Thank you very much.

My daughter says I can
ruin literally anything.

You really can.

It's a gift.

No honestly, you did that move
and I just wanted to like

jump out the window,
thank you.

Yeah no problem.
I can floss if you like.

Ugh, it's a public space.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch,

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

[eerie music]

[chanting] We for
joy to act as one

with earth and fire
that lights the sun,

never act no deed til deed
is done with earth and fire-

Sorry, I've got to
cut you guys short.

I was in the zone.

I have got a date by the creek
with a gnome and he is taall,

he is so tall,
he's so hot.

Oh finally.

Yay!

As you know,

the king is christening the
baby princess tomorrow.

Oh, that means a party and
I'm going to have my wine.

Oh my god, I'm
bringing my gnome.

I'm bringing my gnome.-♪ You're bringing your gnome

We're not invited.

What?
-What?

What the eff?

We made the dude king and
now he's ghosting us.

Oh that's rich,
that's real nice.

Oh this calls for a curse,

I say we do the usual,
just curse the baby?

Jennifer:
Yes, what are we thinking?

Poison spinning wheel,

poisoned apple,
poisoned poison?

Meredith:
I don't mean to
cause a drama,

I'm always
causing the drama

but it feels pretty
gross cursing a baby.

It's just, I don't
feel good about it.

Carolyn:
Me too.

I mean, it just seems weird.

I know traditionally we've
always cursed, you know,

the babies,
the princesses

but it's just not sitting
right with me right now

and I don't know why I want
to listen to my intuition.

Yeah, actually now
that you mention it,

it is true that every
time we curse a princess,

the king just sticks
her in a tower

and he rides the curse out.

Meredith:
Exactly.

So you're saying we
curse the queen!

Meredith:
Um-

I think what we're saying is
that it might be better to, uh,

focus our attention
on the target,

the dick who is the target,
aka the king.

Plus that little baby,

she's going to be running
the kingdom some day, so.

Meredith:
That's true.
Times are changing.

I remember when we were coming
up there was two choices,

sex worker or crone.

Oh we don't say crone anymore,
you say teacher.

Teacher.
-Teacher.

Teacher.
-Teacher.

All I'm saying is,

somebody's got
to get cursed.

It is the best
part of this job.

My horns are
starting to hurt

'cause I'm so backed up from
the not cursing and I just,

I need to get a
good one out.

I just need to pfffff.
- Okay.

So maybe we like
curse the king?

Yes.
-Let's do this.

Okay we curse the king.

Oh, I got it,

reverse sleeping beauty.

Aurora:
Ooh, what is that?

He woke.

Ooh what is,
I don't understand.

We curse him with wokeness.

You know, he's a
straight white male,

you'll see, it's
going to be awesome.

Okay, yeah, go go go.
Go go go.

Okay, okay.

Hands of power, alright,
and 1-2-3 break!

Meredith:
Great. I got to go
get to that gnome.

Aurora:
Is he four
apples or three?

Meredith:
He's three and a half
but I call him five.

[angelic singing]

Where is he?

We can't start
without the king.

He's over there.

Your highness!

Get up here!

Oh, um, mmm,

I don't want to
take up any space.

This day isn't about me.

I'm good back here,

unless you need any
support in any way.

Hm, that's refreshing.

No you stay there.

Super fun.

I'm having a great time.

Sorry if I'm talking
too loud, sorry.

I'll be quiet,
I'll be quiet, shh.

Just-

I am starving.
-Me too.

We have an hour and a half,
let's make the most of it.

Oh, I know,
we're going here,

this place makes
their own pasta,

it's incredible.

Oh I'm keto so it's a no go.

Oh, you're right,
I'm so sorry, I forgot.

Ah, yo sushi,
let's do sushi.

Oh, yeah but rice is a carb
and I'm keto so, right. Sorry.

Of course!
-Yeah.

I should-I should
know that.

Um, oh I know, here,

let's just grab a smoothie,
you can do a smoothie.

Sure. I mean, as long as it
doesn't have any like apples

or bananas or
oranges or grapes

or watermelon
or peaches or,

you know, lemons or
limes or grape-

Veggie smoothie, can you
do a veggie smoothie?

Sure, um, but there's no
root vegetables in keto

so I can't have carrots
or beets or potatoes-

Gabby, I've got to be
straight up with you.

What?

I think keto is ruining
our friendship.

What?
-Yeah.

It's keto this, keto that.
Keto, keto, keto, keto, keto.

Everything is about
keto, everything.

I don't talk about
it that much.

Then how the fuck do I
know about coconut flour?

[scoffs] There's nothing
wrong with coconut flour.

I'm not saying there's anything
wrong with coconut flour,

it's not just the
coconut flour,

it's also your breath,

you've got keto breath.

My breath does
not smell bad.

Yeah, it does.

It's like mango
took a dump smell.

Do you ever notice I'm doing
this every time we talk?

I have a fruity smell.

Yeah, yeah like
a fruit salad

took a bit shit
all over my face.

Listen, I don't have to
be doing this [gags],

every time you tell me about
your latest break up, okay.

Look, keto is
really good for me.

I really like it.
It's a good diet.

It makes your pussy smell.

That is so personal
and also,

how would you even know what my
vagina smells like in any case?

We had a meeting,

you wore a leather skirt,

I think everybody
could smell it.

Oh my god.

It's a diet for diabetics.

And also epileptics.

Meredith:
And you don't have
either of those things

but what you do have

is ass fruit breath
and keto crotch,

you don't want that.
Do you want that?

Ketosis is a completely
natural process

by which the cells
in the body release-

Yeah but you failed
science three times!

You don't know how
to make icing.

I know how to make icing-

You know how to make icing?
-Yeah.

Meredith:
Well go ahead then,
hit me,

let me hear what you have.

You take icing and you-

Yeah. See?

Look, keto is a-

it's a diet that
works for me, okay.

I feel better
than I ever have.

I've gone down two sizes.

I sleep better.

I just have more energy.

But I will drop it so that you
can eat anywhere you want.

Fine?
-Fine.

Why don't we just go here?

Meredith:
Actually, you know what?

Come to think of it,
I don't want to-

I'm on the cabbage soup
diet so I-

Oh my god, I can
only eat cabbage.

You can only eat cabbage?

Oh!
-Perfect!

My god!
Best lunch ever.

Let's go eat it. Oh my god!
-Go go go!

Meredith:
Don't get hit by traffic.

Okay and one more
deep breath in.

Okay.
[inhales]

Phew.

Okay, that's sounding
much better.

Ah, is there anything else
that you were concerned about?

Ah, no, no.

Well, ah, yeah, I'm-

Actually there is this,

this one thing I'm a
bit concerned about it.

It's ahhh-

Ugghhhhh.

Yeah, you know, I just,
like I'm always, um-

Ahhhhh.

Um.

Okay, just take your time and
just tell me what's going on.

No that's it.

Like what I just
did in my face.

Aaaahh.
-Oh, oh I see, okay.

Yeah, like it used
to only happen

when I read like a
Tucker Carlson tweet

or I heard Joe Rogan
say something.

Oh well that's
perfectly normal.

Patient:
Yeah it's like, ugh, but-

I mean, I'm doing it all the
time now, you know, like,

actually I think
the first instance

was when my yoga teacher
brought a DJ into class.

It was like,
uugh, god.

Okay a DJ.

Patient:
Yeah but now like
my co-worker, Luke,

is talking about
Fortnite all the time.

It's like shut up, uuuugh.

And then,
of course,

any time I see a white
person with dreadlocks

or someone who calls
their dog a "fur baby"

or if I get invited to a cigar
bar with a private entrance

and like, and a
secret password

and you have to pull a bottle
of wine for the door to open.

I'm like,
ugh, god.

Okay.

And then someone does a magic
trick and you're like ugh.

Okay, I think I know
what's going on here.

Oh.

Normally we only see this
kind of extreme eye rolling

in teenagers

and they do grow out of
it after a while but, uh,

given the current
state of the world

we're seeing it more
and more in adults.

Um, in fact, it's at
epidemic proportions now.

Ugh.

Doctor:
The good news is
it's not fatal.

The bad news is there's really
nothing we can do for you.

Ugh!

Doctor:
Um, I would just advise you to
avoid extended family dinners,

Halloween parties
and of course,

anyone who has
been to Coachella.

Oh shit I've been
to Coachella.

Ugh.
[knocking]

Yes?

Hi, I am so sorry
to interrupt.

I just needed to tell you

that your next patient is going
to be late because he quote,

"Got stuck babysitting
his kids".

Ugh.

Oh I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, that one's
perfectly acceptable,

you should roll
your eyes at that.

Okay.

It's parenting when
it's your kids.

It's babysitting when
it's other people's kids.

Come on.
-Like what are you doing?

It's like, ugh,
you're a dad.

Ugh.

Ugh.

It's not like her job.

[ughing in unison]

Yeah, once you start it's
kind of hard to stop.

Ugh.
-Yeah.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

That's always the
thing you least expect

that that will happen-
-Yeah.

And then it happens
and what do you do?

You don't bring-
[moaning]

Oh hey Denise,
good morning.

Oh, are you okay?
-Oh.

Not good.
-Oh.

Denise:
Not good.

My best friends came
to town last night.

It was fun,
real good time.

I'm hungover as fuuuck.

Okay, well why
don't you go home,

you never take a day.
-Yeah.

Oh no, no.

No, I'm going to do today.

I don't understand, in my
twenties I could go out

and then I'd come to work
hungover all the time.

Sweetie, when you hit forty,
your body's just not the same.

Your liver's just like throwingin the towel, it's not the same.

No way! Twenties,

forties,

it's all the same.

Oh it's not.
- No, no, no no no no no!

This 40+ hangover is not
going to get the best of me.

You watch me.

I'm going to slay it.

You just watch me now,
watch me. Yeah!

Aurora:
Maybe you shouldn't
move so quickly.

[gagging]

Oh Jesus!
-Ugh, geez!

[lively drum solo]

Aurora:
These are going
to cool you down.

Janice:
Okay, here comes the
one on your forehead.

You ready?

I think I'm going
to need more.

Okay, uh-

[garbled] Janice?

[garbled] Can you
order me more fries?

Aurora:
How's that?
You cool enough?

Just a bit more.
- Just a little bit more

More, okay, more.

Denise:
I'm thirsty.

Oh okay,
here we go.

[spritzing]

So if you just look
at this chart.

[gagging]

Oh, did you want to
continue or do you wanna?

Denise:
Do you want me to continue
all over this goddamn floor?

Aurora:
No.

Then you just better
give me a second, okay.

[lively drum solo]

[snorting]

[lively drum solo]

Aurora:
[whispering] Hey sweetie,

do you want me to bring
you back a coffee?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll, I'll just-

[lively drum solo]

Oh hey, uh-

I-I mean, I've had
my mouth on that.

I just, I'm just very dry.
-Ewww.

You know, it's probably
all that salt earlier.

Nancy, can you just take
over there for a second,

I'm just gonna
have a little-

Take over your present, okay.

It's gonna be great.

Okay.

[lively drum solo]

[puking]

[lively drum solo]

Don't need that file.

[lively drum music]

Janice:
Can you file this?

You file it!

I'm so sorry,
it's just the hangover.

[sighs] Maybe you
should go home.

No, I don't want
to go home.

I'm going to crush it, okay.

Okay, so can you file this?

Fuck off with your file!

I'm so sorry.

Jesus Denise, how
much did you drink?

I just had an
aperol spritzer.

Oh that would do it.
Yeah for sure.

Remember last week I had a half
pint and I almost went blind.

You almost went blind.

Oh hang on, here we go,
here we go.

Oh.

Man, I wish you slept
here every night.

Me too.

Well, you know, I guess
that could be possible.

Oh babe.

Well do you think we're, um,

do you think we're ready?

I mean, I am if you are.

Really?

Okay, well, let's do it!

Let's do it.
-Yes!

Alright.
-Okay.

If I'm going to keep
this 12 string guitar--You need to getrid of all these guitars.

I will not live in a house

where there are twice as
many guitars as people.

These are my
Dave Matthews guitars.-You don't even play.

I hate Dave Matthews.

I love, if I'm gonna finish
this Dave Matthews cover band-

[unintelligible arguing]

Because this one is
not a touchable one,

that's a lookable guitar.
-These are just props.

I mean, every day,

you know, you
turn on the news,

it's just a fresh
new batch of hell.

Oh, yeah.

I know it's so depressing.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, I just read
this big article

on how basically there's
been this huge rise

in white supremacist
groups forming.

It's like basically
Nazis are back.

Ugh.
-Ugh.

Um, you know what though?

Like I believe that,

and I mean this is
just my opinion here,

but I believe that Nazis-

are bad.

So.

And the?

And?

And there is-there is no and.

Just, you know, from my point ofview they're really bad, so.

But, but that's just me.

No, no, it's-it's not just you,
we all think the same thing.

Well, I'm not afraid
to say it anyway,

but I can't speak
for you, so.

Jennifer:
Well, okay, we all
share the same opinion.

Okay, well, anyway this is just
where I'm coming from.

Anyway, you're totally
welcome to disagree, Rita.

What, me?!

No no, no, it's universally
known that Nazis are bad.

Yeah.

Well apparently not because
they're on the rise,

which for the record,

I think is really bad.

Yes Katie,
duly noted.

And it should
also be noted

that I was the first
to say it out loud.

So, the silence
has been broken.

Oh my god,

everybody at this table believesthat Nazis are bad, alright.

Good, good I'm-I'm-I'm
glad I'm changing minds.

Jesus, you didn't-

No! No you didn't, no!

Hey, don't get mad at me.
-I'm not.

Katie:
No, don't get mad at me.

Look, I'm just
taking a stand,

not everyone has
to take a stand.

I think it's important to take
a stand here and I'm going to.

Okay.

Katie:
Let's just leave
it at that, okay.

I think Nazis are bad,

you can think
whatever you want.

That's okay.
-No.

Jennifer:
Oh goddamit, I hate you
so much right now.

I mean,
honestly Katie,

I think right now,

I hate you more
than I hate Hitler.

Yes.

Who's that?

Oooh.

Ooh.

He's a Nazi.
He's like the Nazi.

Aurora: Yes.
-Oh.

Well, I don't follow the
Nazis like you do, so.

Ah!

Would you just.

The-

I'm not up on my like high
level Nazi officials.

No.

It's not a passion of
mine to follow that.

[exasperated sighs]

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[humming]

Hey Abby?
-Mhm?

Um, do you have an
elastic I can borrow?

I'm just going to pop over tothe gym real quick during lunch.

Oh good for you but
I'm so sorry, I don't.

Oh, well what about that one
right there on your wrist?

Oh, this one.
-Mhm.

Ah, you know what,
I can't.

I really,
I can't.

It's my only hair elastic.

Okay, but your hair
isn't even up right now,

so you're-you're
just not using it.

This is my only hair elastic
in the entire world.

What do you mean? That's-

Abby:
I've had the same
elastic for six months.

[whispering] I love you.
I love you too.

You're not serious?

Abby: I am dead serious.
-Really?

Abby:
When I go to sleep at night,
take it off my wrist,

take it off my hair,
wherever it is,

put it on bedside table,
good night, good night,

fall asleep,
have a dream about it,

wake up, look over,
there it is.

Know what I do?

It either goes on my
wrist or in my hair

and I cannot risk
you losing it, okay.

I won't lose it.
I will not lose it.

Abby:
Really?

On my way to work today, do
you want to know what I saw?

I saw three elastics.

One in a mud puddle.

One off a branch.

And one was even
in dog shit.

Crying for their mamas.

Mama, mama, you left me.

That could have been yours?
How can I trust you?

Tell you what.
-What?

If I lose it-
- Yeah.

I'll buy you another one.

In fact, you know what?

I will buy you a
whole package.

No!

No, no, no, no,
I don't want another one!

I just want this one!

Just use a rubber band!

A rubber band?
-Yes!

What are you,
some kind of sadist?

Do you know what this will do tomy hair with my hair texture?

Just give me the elastic.
-No!

Give it to me!
I want your elastic!

No! It's mine!

Stop it!

Fine!

[in unison] Fine!

Fine, ugh.

[whispering] I will never
let anything happen to you.

[Abby gasps]

[loud screaming]

Oh, I thought that was going
to be way funnier than it was.-What did she do to you?

Steph, help me.

Call 911.

Call 911!

Steph:
911.

[Abby sobbing]

Abby:
There you go,
sweet dreams.

This is like Romeo and Juliet
or something.

Ah.

[whispering] I'm dead too.

[soft gentle music]

Beth:
This is glorious.

Shall we go back
to the house?

Back to the house?

Yes of course friend.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[soft gentle music]

Beth:
Yep, there we go.

[breathless mumbling]

Beth:
We got this.

We got this.

Aurora:
Oh, you're such
a good friend.

[grunting]

Oh. Oh.

Beth:
Okay.

Aurora:
Thank you my friend.

Ah, here we are.

Well that was
quite a climb.

Thank you so
much old friend

for taking me down to
the water this morning.

An absolute pleasure,
my friend.

I just feel blessed to have madehere in time to share your,

your final days.

I hope I wasn't too heavy.
Too much of a burden.

You are not a burden.

You are my best friend
and I am here for you.

You are the wind beneath
my wings, friend.

Oh.

Oh.

Beth, let's go down
to the water again.

Sorry, what?

Let's go to the shore again.

I did just carry you
back up from the shore.

I know but I forgot to collect
a special seashell for myself.

A seashell?
-Yes.

Beth:
You know what friend?

I will go down to
the beach myself

and I will choose you the
most exquisite seashell.

It's not quite the same

unless I pick it out myself
to go with my memories.

You-you want to pick it out.

[sobbing]

I'm just a stupid
dying woman.

Beth:
No you're not!

I'll take you
down right away.

Really?
- Yes.

Oh, thank you.
-Yes.

[soft gentle music]

Okay.

I love you so much.

Oh, no I love you friend.

Ah, oh.

Got a little heavier
since last time.

Oh.

The blanket,
the poor blanket.

Okay.

Anything else you need?

Aurora:
No.

No, okay.

[heavy breathing]

Ooh, that's a long way down.

Shit.

[panting]

Beth:
Yes, you had to choose the
seashell yourself, of course.

Here we go.
Ah, ah.

Thank you my friend.

Thank you friend.

[sighs]

Nothing can make this
afternoon more perfect.

Mm, I agree.

Except maybe a
frosty ginger ale.

A-a frosty-

Frosty ginger ale?

Sip it and feel
refreshed and alive.

Did you want me to
go get you one?

No no no,
that wouldn't be fair.

Okay.

I'll go with you.

[soft gentle music]

Okay, here we go and up.

Aurora: My neck.
[grunting]

How much longer did you
say you have to live?

Just a fewshort months.

Months!

Oh, alright.

I mean, months,
how wonderful.

I thought it was just
a couple of days.

A few months with
you my best friend.

Ahhhh!

[grunting]

Waaaah!