All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S05E02_English

So I just pull a
name from the bowl.

I look at it and then my
team has to guess who it is?

Yeah yeah and you
can give clues,

you just can't say the
name of the celebrity.

Yeah you just
describe them.

So, uh, Lily
you go first,

um, we'll guess and Jen
do you mind timing?

Yeah, no problem.
-Okay, great.

You guys are going down!

Okay, I got this.

Team, team, okay.

Go! Go!

[excited screaming]

Okay, um, ah, ah,
famous, he's famous,

and um, he was charged
with sexual misconduct.

Louis C.K.!
-Oh god, gross, no.

Charlie Rose!
-Matt Lauer!

Bill Clinton!
-Kevin Spacey!

No, no, no, he was
actually charged.

Epstein!
-No!

Roger Ailes!
-No, he's still alive.

Ghomeshi.

No.
-Oh, Clarence Thomas

No!
-R. Kelly.

No no no no no!
-Tom Sizemore!

No, no, he was found guilty.

Harvey Weinstein.
-The other one, the other one!

Bill Cosby!

CeeLo Green.

No no, he's still
working today.

Roman Polanski!
-Mike Tyson!

Marilyn Manson!
- James Franco.

Oh no, none
of-none of those.

Can we just drink?

[in unison] Yeah.
-I think so.

Whose idea was this game?

Hers.
-Shame on you.

Jen:
I'm sorry guys.

Sorry my mind just
can't stop naming now.

Yeah, it's like a
most wanted list.

Carolyn:
Casey Affleck?

Andrew?

This is not fun.

Michael Jackson?

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

Okay Tammy,

yeah great, I'm going
to have to let you go

'cause I'm here with Marion.

Tell her I say hi.

Okay, okay right, uh huh.

Okay, well, I'll
see you next week.

Yeah that
sounds good.

Okay, will do.

Okay, okay.

I'll talk to you later.

Bye.

So did you tell her?

Tell her what?

That I said "hi"

Oh no, I guess I forgot.

Really? You forgot?

Because I literally
just told you.

I'm sure it's not a big deal.

Ah, no Bonita,
it is a massive deal.

Now Tammy knows
that I'm with you

and she thinks I
didn't say hi.

Okay, uh, you're
overreacting Mary-Ann.

Ah, no Bonita,

you are the one that
doesn't understand

what a huge deal this is.

Or maybe you do?

Oh my god,

are you trying to sabotage
my relationship with Tammy?

What? No, of course not.

Okay, then call her back.

You want me to call her back
to tell her that you say hi.

No Bonita,

I want you to call her back and
tell her I already said hi.

Oh my god!

Have you lost your mind?

You had one job Bonita
and you fucked it up!

This is one you!
Fix it!

Seriously?

Yes.

Oh my god, fine!

You're being ridiculous.

[indiscernible squabbling]I hope you know that you-

Hi! Hi Tammy, yeah
it's me again.

Um, yeah, so ah, um, I forgot
to mention that Marion says hi.

Yes, she said hi when we
were on the phone before

and I-I forgot to mention
it and I didn't,

so now I'm mentioning it,
so Marion says hi.

Just wanted you to know.

Okay, I will do that.

Okay, bye.

Thank you so much.

[tense music]Bonita:
Happy?

Marion:
I am so happy,
thank you.

Bye.

Okay, stand down.

Turns out Marion did say hi.

[tense music]

We have a new target now.

Bonita.

[swelling tense music]

Target acquired.

Give her a warning shot

[gun fire]

[chuckling]

You said warning shot
but I got her ear.

Oh shit.

Is she bleeding?

Yeah.

Hey, welcome.
-Hi.

Can I help you with anything?

Yes, I would like
to buy some weed.

Oh, cannabis.

Excuse me?

Well now that it's legal,
we call it cannabis.

Oh, okay, cannabis.
- Okay.

I'd like to buy
some cannabis.

What's your flavour?

I think I'm going
to take 3.5 grams

of the "Purple Brain Crusher".

Great choice.

Thank you.

That will be $46.10.

Oh.

Is everything okay?

I mean, it's just kind of-

You know, it's
just a little-

You know.

Did you want to do
this old school?

[sighs] Yes please.

Yes, buying from a dealer

is only thing that made me feel
like I had any edge, right?

You know, and now
that it's legal,

what do I got?

I'm just a very basic
white lady, so-

Yeah.
-Yeah.

Okay, just gotta set
the mood, you know.

Oh that's nice.

Shopkeeper:
Yeah, okay.

There we go.
-Good.

Okay.

What'sup.
-What'sup?

[suspenseful music]

You ah, you holding?

You a narc?

[scoffs] A narc.

You look like a narc

Yeah, well I'm not a narc.

You smell like a narc.

How would you know what
a narc smells like?

Touché.

What do you want?

We got like an eighth,
quarter, a dime bag, what?

I want a quarter.

I don't want any shake.

I want something that's
going to make me laugh

but it's not going to
leave me on the couch,

you know what I mean, man?

Shopkeeper:
Yeah, man, I get you.

Um, I think I have
something for you.

We have the Sigourney Weaver
special this week.

We have Gorilla Mist,

Chestbuster and
Tall Blue Stranger.

Ah, I'm going to go with
Chestbuster, like wahhh!

Okay, yeah great.

Arrrr!

Oh shit, the 5-0!

Ah, here!

Ahhh!

Run!

[tense beat]

Oh my gosh,
thank you so much.

That was fun for me too.
-That was excellent.

Yeah, I had a great time.
-That was great, thank you

But I am going to have to
see your driver's licence

to legally sell you this.

Fuck you you corporate shield.

[tense music]

Whoa.

There you go, thank you,
that was really amazing.

Thank you so much.
-Okay, no problem.

We'll see you tomorrow.
-Bye.

Ahhhh.

It's just not the same.

[dramatic music]

Alright, where's she at?

Sir, Agent Gail's been
captured behind enemy lines.

The entire mission
has been compromised.

She has the launch codes.

[laughs]

Yeah, Gail won't say a thing.

But sir, she has
the launch codes.

The rebel faction is just
going to torture her

until she gives
them up, it's over.

Director:
No, would you calm down.

Gail is impervious
to torture.

She has "Mom Brain".

Spy:
What is that?

Director:
It's a thing, you know,
after you've had kids,

it's very hard to recall
specific information.

It all just goes [whistles]
right out the window.

She's the best
spy we've got.

[tense music]

Tell us what you know.

Ahhhh!
[electricity crackling]

Give us launch codes!

Ahhhhhh!
[electricity crackling]

God no I would tell you these
codes if I could remember.

I just, I
have mom brain.

It's like I'm going to say it
and then boop, it's just,

it's gone.

[electricity crackling]Owwww!

It's peas, was it something
'bout frozen peas,

was it that?

Ugh.

[gurgling]

Ah, oh this is it now,

Club Z points,
have you heard of those?

[electricity crackling]Ahhhhh!

Okay, hamburger meat,
was it that?

Grrrr.

Oooh, my oh my
that stung a bit.

Banjo, was it a banjo?

Get the winter tires on,
that was it.

Whole wheat flour.

Book club.

Knitting class.

I always wanted to go,
I never did.

[electricity crackling]Ahhhh!

I smell better than I think.

I'm using this new soap.

Pull another one,
see what happens.

What's the code?

Okay, sweetheart, you
need to floss your teeth,

did your mother
ever tell you that?

Here I'll help you.

I got it. I just-

Just trying to help, honey.

[electricity crackling]Ahhhhh!

Oh my god.

How do you two
know each other?

What's your story?

Open your mouth and
tell us the code.

[gurgling]

Oh, you know what,
there it is, it's-

Oop, it's gone again.

I don't know.

Gail:
Listen, before this
goes any further

I need to be
honest with you.

I just shredded my bat cave whenI gave birth to little Gregory

and then I tore the
stitches twice.

Once taking a turkey
out of the oven,

the other time
during Zumba.

So I'm just sorry these
little tools here

that's not gonna
do very much.

But come on over,
give it a try.

I want to be fair.

I just don't wanna
waste anybody's time.

[ominous music]

Come on now,
you're good at your job.

[sobbing] You're
just too strong.

You're just such a tough lady.

Well I'm a mom.
Don't you have a mom?

No [sobbing].

No, well that's the problem.

Sweetheart, you're going
to bounce back from this.

I'll never bounce back.

Now take a deep breath for me.

And as you breathe in,
say "I believe in myself"

I believe in myself.

Listen, can I give
you some advice.

Yeah.

You can put a
neck tie on a pig

but at the end of the night
it's still a pig, okay.

And never look a
goat in the eye,

that's what my grandmother
always told me.

But sir, I-I don't understand.

How does she retrieve the
information when she knows it?

Yeah, she has a
very special way.

We just have to pray that weget her out of there before 3am.

What happens at 3am?

Mommy wakes up.

[tense beat]

[gasps]

Count! Apple, Tango,
Fox, 29er6, Bravo, 449.

[gasps]

Phew.

Oh and
dishwasher pods.

Don't forget to bring home
those dishwasher pods.

You still got it Margie.

[alt-pop chords]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

["Say What You Do"
by Chunky Nelson]

♪

Heyyy!

Oh thank you.

["Say What You Do"
by Chunky Nelson]

Ah god, this music is great!

Yeah!

Awesome playlist.

Yeah and who's your
streaming service?

Oh no no, I didn't use
any of that stuff.

Waste of money.

Yeah, yeah I just hooked up
my cellphone to the speaker

and then just played
the whole music

from my internet
service provider.

Oh my god,
that's so smart!

Yeah yeah.
Hey hot tip:

if you have a billing issue,

just say that you have one,

you've got like four hours
of unlimited music.

I will just ask to
talk to the manager.

Yeah totally, that's a great
way to get another two.

Hun, we should use this.

I haven't actually
had internet in like,

probably about
a couple months.

But the music's great.

Woohoo!

Wow, he's a lot, eh?

Yeah.

Meredith:
I'm going to get my nails
done this afternoon.

Hey, uh, five more minutes and
then we're going to go, okay?

Emily:
Okay!

Oh, which one's yours?

Oh she's a step parent, so.

[gasps]
[nervous chuckling]

Actually, I-I prefer
the term bonus parent.

[scoffing]

Yeah, that's, uh,
that's not a thing.

Louise:
Yeah, well it should be.

I mean, when I say stepmother,
what comes to mind?

Uh, evil.

Mm, cruelty.

Excessive chores.

Uh, early death.

Brought on by
excessive chores.

[in unison] Yes.

Thank you every
Disney movie ever.

You're way too sensitive.

Louise:
If you didn't
know me at all

and I came up and said,
"Hi, my name's Louise,"

what's your
first impression?

Nice woman,
needs a bang trim.

Definitely.

Okay, now if I say,

"Hi, my name's Louise,
I'm a stepmother".

What's your impression?

Not nice woman!

Uh, possibly a witch.

Who needs a bang trim.

Yes, definitely.

I am just a person in the
world trying to do my best.

I mean, stepfathers
don't get this crap.

Carolyne:
Well, I mean,

if stepfathers
were evil though

Disney would have made a
movie to warn us about it.

So, I think that's
pretty safe.

Yeah, my stepdad,
he was really nice.

Mine bought us a dune buggy.

No, he didn't!
-Oh, that's a good stepdad.

Yes, he did.

He did, he's amazing.
-So nice.

Louise:
Well first off,
I am not evil.

Secondly, I am just a
parental third wheel

trying to do my best to
have a healthy relationship

with a kid that I love but I'm
not biologically related to.

I'm sorry, I just spaced
out there for a second

because I was thinking
of all the times

that you offered
me an apple.

Oh my gosh, I should
be dead right now.

Do you honestly think I have
a bowl of poisoned apples

sitting around my house?

Well honey,
I don't know, maybe.

Because there is a woodsman

that is always hanging
out around her place.

What?
- That's true.

The bearded guy.

He's wearing plaid.
-Sweet Cheeses.

He's like, "Oh,
I love wood".

Yeah.
-No!

Louise:
That is my brother,

he is a hipster,

not a woodsman.

Then why is he always
carrying an axe?

Louise:
Because he's in an
axe throwing league.

The point is,

the term stepmother carries
way too much baggage,

which is why I just, I really
prefer the term bonus parent.

[scoffs] Yeah, no one's
going to call you that.

Sorry.

Okay, you know what? Fine.

Hey Emily, come on,
we're going.

But you said five
more minutes.

Now!
[evil chords]

Oh, uh, was that evil?

It kind of was.
-Yeah.

Oh, honey, hi.

If she ever offers you an apple,you just say no, okay.

Okay.
-Has she ever
locked you in a tower,

made you grow your hair long,
so she can climb up it?

No.
-No?

Are you sure?

If so, you just call me.

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Call me, okay.

Louise:
We're gonna go home.

I'm going to buy
you an ice cream.

I'll buy you five ice creams.
Come on, come on.

Someone's over compensating.

Bye, call me for
a playdate later.

We're not gonna tell your
dad about this one, okay,

Just remember who
the real moms are.

Yeah.

I don't even have a kid.

I just like standing in
a row with you guys.

[machine beeping]

[flatline droning]

Oh.

I think she's gone.

Oh boy.

[sighs]

Okay.

Oh.
- Oh.

Sorry.
-Sorry.

Wah? See that?
-No.

Sorry, what-

What are you doing?

Oh, well I was just gonna,

you know, do the thing where I
close her eyes with my hand.

Oh, you mean like that-that
swoopy thing down her eyes,

so that her eyes froze her face.-Yeah, yeah like in the movies.

Yeah, um,

I just kind of really
wanted to do that.

I wanted to be the one.

If you don't mind.

Gotcha.

Um, but I have literally

dreamed of closing
someone's eyes

since I was a little girl.

I hear ya, yeah.

It's just like,

the whole point of me like,

flying in from Vancouver was,
you know,

kind of to do the swoopy
eye thing on Anna.

Right, I get it.
I get it.

It's just, um-

Um, Sarah-

Yeah?

[sighs] So a month ago,

I was-

I was in a really
tough spot.

Mark and I had just
separated and I just,

I didn't know what
I was gonna do.

And then,

Anna told me that she
didn't have very long.

And she told me
not to worry,

you know, not about money

or housing or debt or
any of it because,

because she was dying,
you know.

And, and then she told
me that after she died,

[sighs] she was
going to leave me

her eyes open so that
I could close them-

Okay that's bullshit,
yeah that's bullshit.

No it's true.
-Yeah, okay.

You know what?

No I'm just gonna-
- Back off.

I'm just gonna-
- Oh.

Aurora:
Oh wow, great now
her mouth is open.

Good job.

Well, okay, well
you know what?

This might be a
blessing actually

because then I can do the
swoopy thing on her eyes

and you can do that thing
where you close her mouth.

What thing?
Closing mouth is not a thing.

No it is.
-It's just the eyes.

No it is a thing.

It's in the movies too.

Aurora:
What movies?
It's not in any movies.

It's in Platoon.
-Platoon?

Sarah:
Remember Charlie Sheen,

he's walking
along the beach

and he's clicking all the
soldiers mouths shut, like-

Aurora: Gross!
[clicking]

Aurora: No.
[clicking]

You do the mouth,
I'll do the eyes,

it's fair.

Anna has the big juicy ones,
look at them.

Aurora:
I know, look at them.
They're so good.

Sarah:
I mean, maybe
there's like a rock-

scissors, wah!
-Oh!

[machine beeping]

What are you guys?

[flatline droning]

Anna?
-Anna?

Oh, no, no, no no.

You don't die, no no,
do not die like this.

Aurora:
Come on, come on, come on.

Sarah:
Open your eyes.

Aurora:
Don't be so selfish Anna,
you don't do this to us!

Sarah:
Open them.

Ugh!

[ominous music]

Woman:
You women chasing that
swoopy eye thing?

Yeah.
-Yeah.

It's my white whale.

Married four old
dudes chasing it,

never landed it yet.

Never gets any easier.

See you got an
open mouth though.

Platoon.

Told you.

I don't care if it
was in Platoon.

I don't want to do it.

Oh, I'll do it.

[alt-pop music]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

It's an egg, some truffles
and some mushrooms.

Um, it restores my hearts to
full and gives me stealth.

[loud jarring humming]It makes this, um,
amazing omelette that-

[loud jarring humming]

Hiiii you two!
-Hello.

Well good afternoon.

Oatmeal cookie anyone?

Yes!
-Yeah.

Woohoo, yeah,

I just whipped those
up this morning,

take the whole thing,
go for it.

[in unison] Thank you.

Wait, hold on, uh, you
made these before work?

Yeah I did,
right before my run.

Whoa, you had a run
this morning too?

Yeah, I went for a
little run, went-

I sweated, I wiped, did this,

splashed my face,
combed my hair,

put my glasses on

and then I sorted
through some old receipts.

I did quick meditation.

I practiced my back hand,
back hand, back hand.

Badminton. Swoosh.

Golf. Pssshh.

You know, just practiced
all my swings.

Plucked single hairs from
my entire face and body

and experimented
with watercolours.

Wow.
-Huh.

Amazing.
Thanks.

I'm a real morning person.

I'm just so curious.

What time do you get up?

3am.

3am?
-Yeah.

What time do you go to sleep?

3pm.
[watch chimes]

Oh.
-Oh.

There I go now.
- There we go.

Okay, here we go.
-Okay.

Have a lovely
rest of afternoon.

Fancy tucking me in?

Oh!
-Yes I do.

I see.

Can I just give you-

Jennifer:
Yes of course.

I love the little curtain,
that's adorable.

Jennifer:
Okay.

Do you like that?

Yeah, great.

Jennifer:
You're all tucked in.
You cozy, honey?

Can you shut my curtain?

There you go.
-There you go.

There you go.
-There you go.

Jennifer:
There you go.

So does she live there?

Mm, who cares?

These cookies are delicious.

They sure are.

Mhm.

[ominous music]

[spectators whispering]

Judge:
Please describe to
the court in detail

exactly what you witnessed on
the night of November 14th?

Well, I roused in the night
to do my mid-sleep chores,

the night sewing and
the night milking

and gutting rabbits
in the night,

when upon returning
through the lea,

I did spy upon
Goody Hobbs.

Judge: Can you indicate the presence of said Goody Hobbs in this court?

Witness:
Aye, it is she.

[spectators murmuring]

Hail Mary.

Oh, hello Goody.

Hello.

Let the record show

that Miss Ipswich has
identified Goody Hobbs

who is currently housed
in the witches stocks.

In the lea,

there she was sitting on
a log completely alone

bathed in moonlight and
the cool night air.

Judge:
And how was she
occupying herself?

Well, that's the
queer thing,

she wasn't.

She didn't appear to be engaged in any activity of any kind.

She was just sitting there.

[gasps]

Judge:
Repugnant!

Goody:
I told ye, I was just
having a wee sit.

[gavel banging]

Silence you
hysterical beast!

Copy that.

Perhaps communing
with the devil?

Perhaps.

In truth,

her mind might have been
wandering utterly anywhere.

She seemed to be
occupied with-

Oh, it feels dreadfully
wicked even to say it.

Free time.

[gasping]

No.

Judge:
Alone in her
woman's thoughts.

Witchery!

She was not night sewing ornight mending or night birthing?

None of those
things whatsoever.

Judge:
And how did witnessing
this make you feel?

I suppose it
made me feel-

[suspenseful music]

Envious.

[gasping]

Envy, a cardinal sin!

It just seemed so nice to
have a little, you know,

I don't know,
me time.

[gasps]

Me time?
-Me time.

Goody:
I was just sitting on a log
looking at the night mist.

You know, and just
letting my mind wonder,

what's the mist and
where'd it come from?

And imagining what
else it looked like

and then I started
thinking about my stomach

and how I was getting
a bit peckish.

Maybe I should eat
some food later and-

You wicked demon
straight from hell!

Yes! Yes!
[gasping]

[gavel banging]

Would you She-Devils

please stop interrupting
the men's hubbub!

Yes.

[suspenseful violin chord]

For admitting to the
cardinal sin of envy,

I hereby sentence
Mary Ipswich

to also be held
in the stocks!

[gasping]
[gavel banging]

No, Mary!

No, please sir, no, no!

Here comes Mary.

Mary:
[sobbing] I'm so sorry,

I didn't mean to feel it.

No, no.

Oh.

[tense music]

Oh I am so sorry, Goody.

Oh no need to
apologize Mary,

this is the most down time I've
had since I was a wee babe.

[suspenseful violin chord]

Mary:
It's true.

I'm almost relaxed.

One can't even knit
in these things.

No, you just get to sit and havea bit of a think and a stare.

You-you can't do anything?

You, know what, I'm envious,
I'll go in the stock.

No I, I as well!
I as well!

No no, I said it first.

[excited clamouring]

Meredith:
I am so envious!

Get away girls.

Get-get away from me!

[excited clamouring]

I'll see you in
hell I suppose.

Well at least it's
heated there.

Mary:
Oh, nice and cozy.

Goody:
Nice and cozy.

Ahhhh.