All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E10_English

Whoa, hi.
-Hey.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, thank you.

Do you mind if I,
uh, how old are you?

Oh, uh, I don't mind.

I am actually 55.

Man:
What?

Lucy:
I should be retired, I know.

Man:
Are you serious?

Wow, you look amazing!

Oh, stop it.

Man:
No I mean I hope I look that
good when I'm your age.

Lucy:
You look great now.

I'm sure you will.
Thank you.

Lucy, what's up, you're 42.

You tell people you're way
older than you actually are

and they think you look amazing

and they just can't stop
giving you compliments,

you should try it.

Okay.

I'm 95!

No big deal.

And looking sweet.

Congratulations?

Thank you very much.

Baby steps, just little bit.

Yeah.

("Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores)

* Me and my friends
will spike the punch

* Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

* Get fancy *

* Hey Hey

* There's no clouds
its just the sun

* Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

* Hold your breath
a little longer

* Let's go dancing underwater

* Oh, oh, oh oh

(laughter)

Okay.
-Okay.

I've got one for all of you.

Okay.

If you could go back in time

and talk to your
twenty-year-old self,

what would you tell her?

I would say to myself,

stop obsessing
about your body.

You need to stop it
because you look great,

that's what I would say.

I think you look better than
you did when you were twenty.

Thank you.
-You do. All the work
has really paid off.

Thank you so much,
thank you.

Worth every penny.

Well I would say,

hey darling,

your broken heart will heal.

The right one will
come along in time.

(in unison) Yes.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(overlapping chatter)

Yeah if I had to go back and
talk to my twenty-year-old self,

I'd probably say, uh,

girl, you know, if
your friends ask you

to go in on that lottery
ticket with them,

like don't say no.

(in unison) Yessss.

Oh that sucks so much you didn't
go in on that ticket with us.

I still can't believe we
won 50 million dollars!

Each.
-Each.

Oh, big money, big money.

Big money. I'm loaded.

150 million dollars, you know,
for three people.

I've got so much money,

I don't even touch
the principal,

I just live off the interest.

Me too.
-Wow.

That's cool though,
that's cool.

I mean, when I-when I think
back on-on that time which,

which I often do,

I just think to myself,
I just want to say like,

Charlotte, you know,
what were you thinking?

God, remember how at that time

we were all working
in that place

where we had to clean
the raw chicken?

Yes.
-Remember that?

Yeah, I still work there.

Didn't you say,

we have more chance

of being crushed by a
frozen block of pee ice

falling from an
airplane washroom

than win the jackpot?

Yeah I guess I did say that.

I mean, if I had a
time machine, you know,

I could just turn back time

I'd just grab myself by the
shoulders and shake you,

you know, what
are you thinking?

What the fuck were you thinking?
What are you thinking?

Ah ah, haha chickaaaaa!
Ah Jesus!

Yeah.

Well, I have to go.

We're heading off
to Monaco tomorrow

and we're trying
out the new jet.

Oh, wow.
-Yes, jet, jet.

Well I have to work tomorrow,

yeah, and, and
actually right now,

I'm going to pick up another
shift at the chicken place,

you know, the chickens
aren't gonna-

Chickens aren't gonna
clean themselves, so.

No they're not.
-You're going to clean them.

Get the cluck to work!

Did you, um, want some,
some cash for this? I just-

Oh no, you know what,
you pay me back next time.

Okay.

Actually, why don't we
stay for another round?

Okay. Let's do it.
-We'll just stay.

Have fun with it.

Oh, look at that.
Remember that?

Oh my gosh, that's
bringing back memories.

Maybe make sure it
doesn't touch the table.

Remember they looked
so horrible on us.

Bye everyone.

Bye.
-Nice seeing you.

We need a wet wipe.

Can I have a couple
of wipes over here?

Hello?
(airplane engine whirring)

Vicky, what do you
want to drink?

Oh, everything.

Prosecco!

Jennifer:
Oh yeah, let's do that.

Are these new?
-Yeah, they're nice, right.

I feel like they feel you
can walk and you can-

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

What?

Blonde Woman:
Check it out, no no.

I feel sick.

I'm going to have
to say something.

I think you have to.

I'm going to be that person.
-Yeah do it.

Hey you with the baby.
Yes, hi.

Oh, hi.
-Is that your baby?

Yeah, she's five weeks old.

I don't give a shit.

Why aren't you
breastfeeding it?

Excuse me?

What's the matter, you
have turds in your ears?

Answer the question.

Thank you.

How about, it's none
of your business.

The wellbeing of a child
in our nearby vicinity,

I think is very
much our business.

Yeah, very much so.

Do you know how much you
are hurting your child

by not breastfeeding it?

How can you not know
that breastmilk is like,

the only decent food for
that child, your child?

Ding dong!

Okay, thank you very much,

I'm going to go ahead
and ignore you both.

(in unison) Wooo hoo hoo!

I'm going to ignore you.

I'm a bitch.

Mom:
Hey did you-

Did you just shoot
a spitball at me?

Maybe we should
come over there

so you can make us
stop bothering you.

I'm trying to feed my child.

Brunette Woman: Whoa!
-Okay, stop it!

Breast is best, breast is best,
breast is best.

Stop it!

I would rather raise a formula
fed baby than a bully,

which is clearly
what you're doing.

What are you even
talking about?

What do-what do you mean?

These-these aren't babies.

Blonde Woman:
This is just, what, it's just
how we keep our sandwiches warm.

Yeah, like why would
we ever have a baby?

There's so much
judgment involved.

And people don't
stop criticizing.

Yeah, really.

Hello!

Oh hey hey hey hey hey,

so glad you could make it.

There you go.
-Thank you.

I would never miss
a house party.

Oh wow, wow, you look great!

Oh thank you.

Like really great.

Are you going
somewhere after this?

Nope, this is it.

Oh, oh I'm sorry,

I wasn't more clear
on the phone,

it's-it's just a casual bbq.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, welcome.

Okay.

Hey.

Wow, hubba hubba,

someone went all out tonight.

It's just a sundress,
I've-I've worn it before.

Did you just come from a
work event or something?

No, I didn't think I
was that dressed up.

Carolyn:
Wha-ha-hat is
with this outfit?

Oh my lordes,

boom chuckalucka boom
chuckalala boom boom boom.

I love it.

I am obsessed with it.
-Mhm.

Doesn't Keira look amazing.

What is going on?

Wait a second.

Do you have your eye on
a guy here? Is it Dave?
-No.

Yes yes.

I'm married to Dave.

Keira:
I don't, I don't.

This is not a
special occasion,

I'm not going anywhere,

I'm not trying to
impress anybody.

I just wanted to look nice
because I never leave the house.

I'm usually
wearing sweatpants,

and a flip flop and
another flip flop,

and I just wanted to
look a little bit pretty

and feel confident,

and now you guys are
complimenting on me,

and I feel really
weird about it.

And what is even happening?

I don't know what's happening?

(in unison) Ooooh, hey hey hey.

Oh no, did we cross a line?

It's just that normally you look
like you don't make an effort.

And you kind of look like you've
given up on life most times.

Mhm, most days you look
like a walking turd,

and I mean that in the
nicest possible way.

She really does,
she really do.

So chin up, dry your tears
and accept the compliment.

Yeah, looking good,
girl, yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

At least they notice
what you were wearing.

I'm sorry.

Did you guys want
your buns toasted?

I even wore a thong.

I didn't even have to.

Hey, uh, Janet.

Hey.

How ya doing?

Yeah, pretty good.

Yeah, you're good?

Yeah.
-Good.

Um, I was just, um,
reflecting on yesterday,

you know, when you put
that Facebook post up

asking for people to
send in funny pics,

uh, because you
were feeling down.

Oh yeah.

The one that I posted,
did it-did it help?

Yeah sure did.

It did?
-Yeah.

It was the one, uh,

with the llama with
the grass on its head.

Yes that was good,
thank you.

Well it made you laugh?

Yeah.
-Yeah, okay.

Janet: It sure did.
-Cool.

Thanks Wanda.
- Welcome, yeah.

'Cause like I was torn,
right, it was like,

do I get her the llama with
the grass on its head,

or do I get the parrot
doing the splits?

But I, I chose the llama

because really when you evaluate
the two it really is funnier,

and I wanted to
curate something

that was like the
funniest for you.

Well, great, thank you.

'Cause laughter honestly
is the best medicine.

It's pretty good.

So I am happy to have
been of service.

Hello.
-Hello.

Anyway, glad I could help.

It's just that, um,

like I was looking
at your thread.

I've been monitoring it all day.
-Mhm.

Some of them just weren't
like that funny, you know,

like Lizzy for example.

Oh I don't know.

It was a lizard in a boot,

it's like, oh hi, a
lizard in a boot.

Like honestly, is that like some
sort of inside joke you have

'cause then maybe like-

I just think lizards are funny.

Wanda:
Okay, I mean,

just because you
were named after one

doesn't make them
funny though.

I was named after
my grandmother.

Alizzardbeth.
-Elizabeth.

Anyway, and-and Sheila's?

Okay, like honestly
what was with that?

It was like a cartoon taco

walking and going,
"wanna taco 'bout it?"

He's wearing a
little top hat.

You're going to eat a taco
that had a top hat on it?

Nobody was actually
eating the cartoon taco.

It's a hack joke,
it's a dumb joke.

Janet:
Okay, you know what Wanda?

I liked everyone's post.

I like tacos and top hats
and llamas and lizards.

I get it, I get it,
you liked,

I know you
liked them all,

but truly did it
make you laugh?

Like did you put that smiley
face that's sideways,

with the squinty eyes

and the water coming
out the side going?

I laughed at them all.
Thank you everyone.

No problem.
-Okay, wow, fine.

I guess the, uh,

office clown doesn't know
what's funny anymore.

No one calls you that.
-What?

Like nobody's going
to walk up and say,

hey you're the office
clown, you know,

that's, that's just delusional.

Uh, excuse me,

are you Wanda

the office clown?

Ah, yeah, I am.

Oh wow, awesome.
-Hi.

I just want to say thank you
'cause, uh,

you know, I saw what you
posted on Janet's wall

and what the llama was
doing was so funny

that I realized I experienced
true joy and happiness.

Well I decided to
spread that joy

by helping underprivileged
kids fight climate change,

so you know,

you changed me and you
changed the planet,

so bless you.

You saved my marriage.

You made me a believer.

I was barren,

and now we're having
our first child,

so much sex,
so much joy, thank you.

You'll have to make
the baby laugh.

Yes.

Did you guys see the
lizard in the boot?

Yeah we saw it.

I saw it.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* We stand on
guard for thee *

(crowd cheering)

Announcer:
Before we get our
game underway

we'd like to take a moment
to honour two soldiers

who bravely served
our country.

Tonight we'd like
to recognize

Corporal Dwyer and
Lieutenant McDonner,

and here to present
an autographed jersey

is Team Manager,
Vince Selkirk.

From all of us
we'd like to say

thank you for your service.

(audience clapping)
(cameras clicking)

Oh no, sir,
I'm not a soldier,

I think you've mistaken me
for someone over there.

I'm the soldier.

The soldier's right here.

("Charge" instrumental)

Yeah that's the referee.

He might be coming
back around.

I'm the, I'm the soldier.

That's a mascot,
that's a shark mascot.

I'm the soldier, it's
not the shark mascot.

It's, it's, wow.

("Charge" instrumental)

Sir, I already
have one of these.

Oh.

(bones cracking)

Oh oh something cracked,
babe, stop.

I still have my socks on.
-Oh.

Something cracked.
-Okay.

It's just, 'cause I feel like

there's something going
on and I want you to-

Number 9 in July
is hot sex moves.

Pardon?

What do we?

See.

Okay, a magazine like this-
-Yeah.

Is written

by someone that doesn't
have a vagina or a spine.

None of these moves
really work, honey.
-I mean-.

Okay, let's do this.
-Okay.

Let's just, you know
what we're going to do,

we're going to try them.

You're putting in the effort,

I'm going to put in
the effort, okay.

(sexy instrumental)
Okay, number nine.

Husband:
Flipped Crab.

Take me to the bottom
of the sea baby, and-

Husband:
Up and then.

I think you're putting your,

you have to put
your hands here.

Can you go farther over?

Wife: Just roll my-
-Lift it.

You know what doesn't
feel great with sex?

Crabs.

Flipped Crab is a
not a great name.

Right. The problem
is the name,

not the fact that my asshole
is folded into my face.

The Slide And Glide.

Like just hold on-

Husband:
You've got to get a little
more perpendicular, hun.

You know what we're doing?

We're winning a gold
medal at not orgasming.

Let's see if we can
actually move on this one,

and then it's all yours.

When's the last time
you washed these?

Let's try to focus.

Wife:
I think we can both agree
what this makes us think of.

Phrrrrrrrrrr phrrrrrrrrr.

Phrrrr phrrrr phrr
phrr prr phrr.

You want to move on?
-Yeah.

Wife:
Okay.

Put your butthole
on my butthole.

Okay.

Ah!
-How's that?

You like that?
Nobody is jizzing.

A little break.

Okay.
(sexy instrumental)

Husband:
Oh no, they both go,
it's like this.

Wife: What?
-Here we go, here we go.

Wife:
What are you a casual Jesus?
Just lean back.

Okay okay.
Lynn, Lynn.

Push me up!
- I'm pushing.

Wife:
My arm!

Husband:
Oh, your bum.

Wife:
Oh my butt, oh god,
tell me I was right.

Husband:
You were right.

(heartening instrumental)

I get it.

It objectifies us both,

it's not realistic,

but it's all men have.

We're forced to learn sex from
the same misogynistic culture

that oppresses you.

I mean, where am I
supposed to go improve?

Yes!

Learning things.

This is a clitoris.

It's always been there,
it will never not be there.

This, yes?

Is that the Chicago Bulls logo?

Wife:
Do you want to have sex
with me ever again?

Yeah.
- Okay, what is this?

Boob.
-Medical term.

Tit.

We're starting from the top.

These are holes,

how many do women have?

(deep exhale)

Including the mouth?

I'm just kind of nervous,
it's my first time.

Oh my god there's nothing
to be nervous about,

honestly it's so much fun.

So all you have to do is
just shuffle the cards.
-Yeah.

Try to get your
energy on it,

and then you just want
to think of a question

that you want answered
by the Tarot.

Aurora:
Okay, um,

I think I just kind of want to
know what's in store for me

this year.

Okay, that's totally valid.

Ahh.
-Ahhh!

There.
-Cool. It's fun.

Alright. So I'll do something
like a Celtic cross,

probably a variation of that.
-Sure.

So this is the first most
central card, oh okay. Um-

Wow that looks bad.

Yeah, it does look bad,

but it doesn't
always mean it is bad.
-Oh.

Ah, sometimes it just means
it's like a sign of rebirth,

so it's actually
just more about

it's relationship
to the next card,

so we'll just turn
that one over.

Oh okay, oh wow.
-What?

Yikes. Um-

Nothing, no it just, um,

it just, I'm not sure.

Like maybe we'll just turn, oh,
fuck, okay, you know what, um,

this really isn't really
making much sense to me.

You know what, we're just
going to leave it at that.

We're going to
leave it over here.

Okay.
-Let's consult the
Runes instead.

Let's just avert our
eyes from this horror

and we will just, um,

take a look at the Runes.

Sure.
-Don't worry about this.

I gotta say though,

it looks like you saw a ghost

and you're making
me kind of nervous.

No no, I'm new at this,

I don't even know
what I'm doing.

It's just a bunch of scary
pictures that's all.

Okay, give it a shake,

throw three stones
on the table.

Oh, aaaaahhh!

Ayaaaayaya, yariba!
Yayayaah, oh.

Aurora:
What? What does it mean?

Are we going to Mexico?

Do I get a promotion?

Um, well, no you
know what, uh,

I think I need a
second opinion.

Sonia!
-Oh, sure.

Do you mind just, sorry.

Sonia: Oh sure.
-Just drag you over here.

Oh no, no problem. No problem.
-Hey, girl.

Oh sweet Jesus, it's come!

What? What has come?

You guys, you
have to tell me.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.

It's, um, no it's not bad,
it's just that you are-

Ah, you know what,

wanted to keep it a surprise,

but you are, um,
you're having a baby.

For real?

Oh my god.

Congratulations.
-Oooh.

Aurora:
Oh god, I can't tell you

how long we've been
trying to conceive.

Ah.

I have to tell Dave.

Babe, babe, babe come here.

Great news,

the Tarot cards say we're
going to have a baby.

What?
-Yes.

That's so amazing.

Oh Sweetheart.
- Isn't that great.

So, uh, she's having
the anti-Christ, right?

Oh yeah, it's end of days.

Yeah, yeah, I mean,

but I am getting good
at reading the cards,

wouldn't you say?

Sonia:
Totally accurate.

Really, it's pretty uncanny.

Yes it is.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

(inspirational instrumental)

And hands to heart, inhale,

thumbs to sternum, exhale,

elbows down.

And as we do at the
end of every class

please join me in the
chanting of one om.

(in unison) Ommmm.

* Oooooooooooooom

* Ooooooooooooooom

* Waaaaaaaaaaaaoooooom

* Woooooaaaaah

* ha ha ha haaaa haaaaaa

* Waaaa waaaa!
(clears throat)

* Oooooom

I'm so sorry.

Mhm.

* Namaste, heyayaya,
so greedy of a day. *

Yeah, okay.

Sorry class dismissed.

I'm the teacher.
-Right.

Class dismissed.

Hey, hey it's
going to be fine.

I have read every review,

Dr. Handley is the best laser
eye surgeon in the city, okay.

I know, I know,

I just want to get it over with
'cause that way less torture.

I promise you we're going to be
out of here in no time, okay.

Hello.
-Hello.

Hi there, I am Dr. Handley.

Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

And which one of you is
Ms. Wolstencraft-Segal?

Actually we both are.
-Yeah.

Ah sisters, okay,
well great,

it's always nice to have
the support of a sister.

Um, which one of you is Amy?

Oh that's me.

And, uh, actually
we're not sisters.

Oh I see, just a couple of pals
that God gave the same mom to.

Definitely don't
have the same mom.

Travelling father?

No? Well no need to disclose
your adoption status to me,

that's private
information and I-

I'm sorry,

Dr. Handley,
do you have a,

like a problem with
our relationship?

No. God no, I have
a sister myself.

Are you serious?
-Okay, please, please, just-

Oh no, have you put me in the,
in the mommy role?

Well, no problem at all,

I can just, uh, refer you
to another specialist if
you'd like

and we can put you
back on the waitlist-

No, no, no, no waitlist, we're
so happy to have you here today.

We're fine, everything is fine.
-Okay.

Doctor:
Yeah we're good?

Yeah, we're off the list,
we're here.

Okay, who's the eldest here?

Ah I'm-

I'm going to lose
my mind right now.

Doctor:
Okay, some sibling
rivalry going on.

It's okay, mommy
loves you both.

Follow my finger, great, yeah,
where did you two grow up?

Toronto.
-Halifax.

Ah, divorced parents, eh?

It's not what happened.

Well listen, as far as the,
uh, procedure is concerned,

good news, it only takes
about half an hour,

so that's great news.
-Great.

Doctor:
However, the recovery
period is about ten days,

is there any chance that
she can stay with you?

Yeah, a pretty good chance
'cause we live together,

so she can stay.

Doctor:
Oh, live together, still?

Wow you really are close.

Yeah, um, we've actually
been seeing each other

for about seven years.

(chuckling) Barely,

I mean, you have one of the
worst cases of hyperopia

I have ever seen.

I mean, I'd be surprised
if you can see my hand.

Can you see it?
- Yeah.

Dr. Handley.
-Hm?

We're not close, okay.

We're not like a,

like a couple of pals,
you know.

We're not buddies.

Do you know what we are?

We're lovers.
-We're lovers.

We are lovers.

It's the goddamn
21st century,

okay, why don't you
wake up and deal with it.

We are not sisters.

Okay.

(knocking)
Hmmm?

Hi, hi sorry,
sorry to interrupt,

you forgot your
cellphone at home.

Oh my god, thank you so much.
-You're welcome.

My goodness, this is
honestly the best sister

that a woman
could ever ask for.

No Rebecca,
you're the best sister.

No you are.

No you are.
-No you are.

Oh, come here.

(moaning)

Oh, thank you.
-Have a good day.

Thank you for this.
-Bye.

Appreciate it.
- Good luck with the-

Thank you.

Doctor:
Oh god she's wonderful.

You two share a bed?