All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E09_English

And what's your doctor's name?

Kevorkian, okay.

Oh my gosh.

Gather around everybody I have
a little announcement to make.

Come here, come here,
quick, quick, quick, hurry.
-Okay, bye.

Come here, come, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.

Who wants to go see a remount

of Andrew fucking Lloyd Webber's
Cats this weekend?

(gasps) Ooooh.

Meredith:
I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.

Two tickets,

which means I can
only bring one of you.

I know, I can't choose.

I love Cats.

Me too.
-I'm totally free this weekend.

Meredith: Really?
-How are we going to decide?

Totally.
-Do we have to decide?

Only one ticket?

Keith:
It's my birthday today.

Oh today.

It's so hard to know.

It's my anniversary next week.

You don't get out very much.

And I think we should
be fair, you know,

decide who likes
Cats the most.

Keith:
I love Cats.

Keith loves Cats.

It's true.

Aurora, you haven't had
a night out in a while.
-That's true.

I don't even like
musicals but I'd go.

You would?

Oh yeah, I mean,
I-I like musicals.

You know, I like,
I-I know this one.

I love T.S. Eliot.

I am free tonight.

That's who it's based,
you know-

I'm free.

("Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores)

* Me and my friends
will spike the punch

* Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

* Get fancy *

* Hey Hey

* There's no clouds
its just the sun

* Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

* Hold your breath
a little longer

* Let's go dancing underwater

* Oh, oh, oh oh

(fog horn blaring)

Alright, turning!

(in unison) Turning!

(cheering)

Pot hole.

(in unison) Pot hole.

Gravel to your right!

Gravel!

(in unison) Gravel!

Come on, come on,
come on, you can do it!

Slowing!

(in unison) Slowing!

Carolyn:
A 100 kilometres to go!

Biker:
A 100 kilometres!

(in unison) 100 kilometres.

Bailing!

(in unison) Bailing!

Thanks anyway, man.
-Bailing!

Carolyn:
Bailing.

Aurora:
Bailing.

Jennifer:
Getting nachos!
Beers on me!

Carolyn:
Like this charity
doesn't need us, right?

Meredith:
No, no they'll be
fine without us.

Carolyn:
Yeah, they'll be
fine without us.

Oh and, uh, just some
sparkling water for me.

Me too.

Ah.
-Ah.

So um, so listen,

I, uh, I saw on your
profile that, um,

Silent Spring is one
of your fave books.

Yes it is.

Mine too.

Oh my god, right.
-Right.

Yeah I don't know,
it taught me a lot.

You know, I think the way
we try to commodify nature

like it's our own
personal property is,

is just wrong.

I mean-I mean,
it's, it's biology,

you can't play god.

I totally agree.
-Great.

I've been trying to make people
understand this and, you know,

you say it to them and
they nod and they agree.

But they just they don't-
-They don't care, right!

No.

They keep thinking
about me, me, me,

like what can I buy next?

What, what crazy selfish
lifestyle can I lead

that's going to
bankrupt the world?

Wow, okay.
- What?

You're not going
to believe this.

Okay, try me.

The title of my
master's thesis was

Bankrupting the World,

the Moral Debt of
Western Civilization.

You're kidding me?
-I'm not kidding you.

You're kidding me?
-No, I'm not

Oh my god, I didn't think I'd
be able to talk about this stuff

on a first date.

Me neither.

Wow it is amazing
to find someone

who also thinks we
should ban abortion-

Woman:
Factory farming.
Oooh whoa!

Whaa-ah?

Whoa, whoa, no.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay
hang on, hang on.

Okay, complete this sentence,

my vagina is...

A possession which you
give in to the keeping

of your alpha male.

Wow, Bumble really needs
to up their screening.

Yeah, they do.

Okay I guess we should just-

Fuck.
-Get the bill, Christ almighty!

Get the bill!
-What are you thinking?

Why would you-what do
you want the bill for?

No! We're going
to get the bill!

God!
-Fine, get the bill.

Woman:
You know what,
nice to meet you,

never call me.

Hey.
Son: Hey.

How ya doing?
Son: Good.

You having a good time?
Son: Yeah.

Everyone is being nice?
Yeah.

Yeah, and they're all
letting you play with them?

Yeah, they're nice.

Oh good, so nobody's
bullying you, are they?

No one's ever bullied me.

Are you sure?
'Cause if they do,

I would just go over there and
I would set them straight.

Mom, no.

Are you sure?
'Cause look at her.

I'm sure.
-Look at the tall one.

Look at her with the mean
sneakers, what about her?

Ugh!

I love you.

Wow, oh wow, what do
you think you're doing?

Mom!

What I dare you, I dare you to
start something with my kid.

I want you to!
-Mom!

I want you to!
-Mom!

Yes?

I love you-
-I love you.

but we talked about this.

You keep doing this and no one
ever wants to play with me.

Hey, can we have
our ball back.

I will fuck you up!
You understand me?

Son:
Okay, we're leaving.
We're leaving!

You need a time out
and a juice box!

Come on!

Mom:
I think that went well.

You are fantastic at soccer.

And then she didn't want
to dance and I'm like,

baby you need to, you're
such a good dancer.

No I'm not.
-You are.

Oh god, you're hilarious.

I'm so glad you two found
each other, you know.

Yeah I kind of like her.

Look at that smile,
look at the two of you,

just looking at each other,

so in love,

you know, just sharing a mo,

does that feel good?

Mom.

I'm sorry, I just-

I just get so caught up
in your love sometimes

and I feel like I have
another daughter.

Thanks.

Mom:
A daughter who
fucks my daughter.

Okay.

My two fucking daughters,
that's funny.

Mom.

I've crossed a line,
I know when to step back.

I just started
volunteering at PFLAG,

did you know what?

Yep, told us many times.

Yeah, at least once a day.

It stands for parents and
friends of lesbians and gays.

Yeah, we know.
-We know.

Mom:
Yeah and, you know,
speaking of parents,

you know, you two have been
together for quite a while now,

I should probably
meet your folks,

why don't we have them over?

We'll have them over for dinner,
I'll make a roast, we-

Mom that's really
nice but I, no,

I don't think
it's a good idea.

No? Why not?

Girlfriend:
Just my parents don't
know I'm a lesbian.

Oh you haven't told them?

They suggested that
I go back to Mexico

to meet the right
kind of man.

I think by now they just really
want to lock me in a convent.

Well, if you were
in the convent

you'd have access to
a whole lot of puss.

Okay.

Mom:
Just get down in that puss,

I just, ah, how does
it work down there?

It doesn't matter, not my-
-Okay, Mom, we
talked about this.

Okay, thank you.

Anyway, it's hard to come out
to a parent, it really is.

I mean not everyone
has a mom like me.

Yeah, I didn't want
to come out to you.

Mom:
You didn't want to
come out to me?

Why wouldn't you want
to come out to me?

Uh, 'cause I knew you'd
make it all about you.

Mom:
Why would you think

that I'd turn it around
and make it about me?

I-I, sorry, I just need to
process this for a little bit.

If I came out to my family,

my mom would fly
into hysteria,

and my dad would
just start yelling,

(speaking Spanish)

and then they would
literally disown me.

Oh, wow, okay.

God I'm jealous.

Oh my god.

Mom:
We never got to
have that May.

You know, we never clashed
mother and daughter,

head to head,

yelling at each other,
-Mom.

going I hate you!
I hate you!

Mom!

Sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I never
yelled at you in Spanish.
-Okay.

Mom:
I never lost it in
another language,

she has to struggle,
you never got to struggle,

you never got to see me rip
up your graduation photo,

and storm out,

threaten to kill myself.

Okay Mom, yeah okay,
have fun with that.

You're, uh,

you going to come watch me
in the parade though, right?

I mean, I will be with PFLAG.

Whoever is doing it,

its got to get done
in thirty minutes.

Understand?

Okay.

Well, okay, do you-

Hi. What does she want done?
I'll do it.

I've got no problem doing it.

You have no idea
what it is she just-

It doesn't even matter,

if you want that
corner office,

you gotta lean in,

you gotta say yes
to everything.

That's the trend.

That's what power women do,

and I'm gonna do it,

and I'm gonna get ahead.

So that's it.
I'll do it.

Oh but she just wanted-

Do you want me to
staple this paper?
-No.

Look I did it.
-Thank you.

Want me to hole punch
this TMS report?
-Sure.

Hole punch, hole punch,
hole punch,

guess what, I just did it.

You want me to sharpen
this goddamn pencil?

Not a problem, look at this,

sharpen, sharpen, sharpen.

It's broken.

I will do it.

You want me to mop the floor,

look at this, I'm mopping.

Aurora:
Oh oh, that floor is carpet.

Fine. Look at this,
I'm a human vacuum,

I'm going to get down here,

I'm gonna suck it up myself.

Jennifer:
I don't think Sheryl Sandberg
sucked carpet.

I think she did.

She wants me to
shred this paper?

Is that what she wants?
-We don't have a shredder.

We've got one now.
I'm doing it.

That's my baby's
birth certificate.

Beep beep beep,
call your baby, tell her-

No. My baby doesn't like the
sound of the phone ringing.

She wants me to run into
this wall, look, I'll do it.

Oh, nobody is asking
you to do this-

I just did it.
Do you want me to fire Sheila?

I like her.

It's a little bit rude but
we'll see what happens.

Sheila I'm really sorry to tell
you this but you're fired.

I have a baby.

Do you want me to draw on my
face with this marker? Huh?

Look at me, lalalalala lalala,
I'm doing it.

That's a lot of contour.

You want me to eat this lotion?
-No.

Oh we haven't wanted you to do
any of the things you've done

in the last four
minutes, so, no.

You want an office
mascot, I'll do it!
Sheila: Sure.

Yeah, actually that
would be cool.

Something vertebrate.

But maybe as long as
it's not a lobster.
-Yeah.

Office Lobster!

Shit.

You want me to be an
office lobster DJ?

No.

I'll do it!

(dance music)
Get those hands up!

Get those hands up!

Office Lobster in the house.
An O-

(in unison) Do it!

O!

You want me to have
a heart attack?

You want me to have
a heart attack?

Ah, 'cause I'll do it.
I'm doing it!

I'm dead.
I've died.

Did you get me my tea latte?

Oh I didn't do it.
-Ah.

No I-
-We just didn't do it.

I'll do it!

Like your initiative kid,
corner office is all yours.

(energetic dance music)
I DID IT!!!!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Just, hey.

Hey.

Oh, I thought you were going to-
-I just, alright. I can-

Oh.
-Oh.

Sorry. Go over, oh.
-Oh.

See I thought then
we were deciding on-

Mmmm.

Oh.

Sorry.

Woman:
Oh your beard sort
of tickles my face.

Oh it makes me feel weird.

Sorry, I guess we
should have, uh,

tried this out before
we got married.

Yeah.

(awkward chuckles)

Just, boop!

Oooh that does not bode
well for the honeymoon.

Just ah-

Let's just do it like
we do it at home.

Okay.
-Yeah.

Mm mm mm mm.

Let me undo your pants and-
-Heyo.

Meredith:
This is incredible,

I am so jealous
of your plants.

Oh.

Look at them,

I can't keep anything
alive to save my life.

Oh, I just give
them a lot of love.

I mean you can say that
but I want to know how,

like please tell me,

my Instagram is suffering,

I could impress some people.

Aurora:
Oh no no no no,

I-I mean just that,

like I give them
a lot of love.

Like water and fertilizer
and we're giving-

No. Just, you watch.

Okay, like, um,

like this little guy
is just starting out

so she needs a lot of,
a lot of love.

Okay.

You are so beautiful,

and you get more beautiful
every single day.

I love you.

Meredith:
That's it?
That's all you do?

No no of course not, you know,
love is really complex and-

Tell me about it.

Well I have a different
relationship with each plant.

Like Mona here-
-Yeah.

She needs some tough love,
so you have to be like,

oh my god, you're so strong,
and you're so smart.

Hm. That's something.

What you're doing
is something else.

Oh and then you get
really playful, like,

ouchy, ooh,
stop it daddy, ooh ooh.

So that's what you do then?
That's good.

Yeah.
-Berate plants.

You know what?
-No.

You should try it.

No I'm okay.

Come down here

and just give a little
compliment to my succulent.

Ah, that makes me
feel funny. Okay.

Just do it.
-I'm trying.

Yeah.

This is the house of yes.
-Yes.

Here we go.
-She's going to love it.

Ah, you have a
wonderful shape-
-Yeah.

Like something I've never seen.
-Yeah.

It's like you're
from space heaven.

Okay, keep going with that,
get dirty, get dirty with it.

I want to suck you.

Oooh.

I'm going to suck
on you hard, bitch.

Okay she-she's getting
really thirsty I can tell

so just spray her
down with this.

Is she? I'm gonna,
oooh oooh oooh oooh.

Are you wet?
-Oh that's right, get all wet.

You like it all wet?

Your leaves are just
dripping with it,

you smell like plant privates.

Oh look at the water
just dripping down.

You smell like the
earth had balls.

I'm just going to-
-and full and-

Oh you just love all that
moisture, get in there.

Oh yeah.

Holy fuck, what, what?

(garbled) What?
What is going on?

Oh my god.
-(garbled) I'm so sorry.

Get it out of your mouth.

(garbled) Replant
this in a new pot.

Just give it to me,
give it to me.

It could grow again real
simple, real fast, real quick.

How about you let
me worry about

how I'm going to take
care of my plants,

and you leave my
house right now.

But I just have
to say one thing.

(whispers) Call me.

Get out.
-What?

I am so sorry.

I had no idea that she
was into the rough stuff.

You never told me that you-

That you like that
stuff 'cause, uh,

you don't look that
torn up about it,

this is a pretty clean break.

Welcome everyone,
welcome to group.

It's so nice to see
so many new faces,

as we remember why the old
faces are not here tonight.

Okay, so when you're supporting
someone through an illness,

it's important to remember
the circles of support.

So at the centre is the person
experiencing the illness.

Oh that's my friend Judy,
that's and I'm Vicky.

Yeah, yeah, she's sick
and I'm not sick.

Moderator:
Okay, good to know.

Okay, hi Judy,
hi Vicky, welcome.

Okay, so the person
at the centre,

when they need to cry or
be angry or whatever,

they can unload those feelings
on the people closest to them.

People in the first ring,

that would be people
like a spouse,

like a close family member
or a best friend.

Vicky:
Oh oh that's me,
that's me, yeah yeah yeah.

I don't want to be this but I
want to be this one. Yeah.

Right there, that's me,
yeah, hi Vicky, hi.

Oh we should do this now Judy,
sorry about this.

Judy's husband got freaked
out because, you know,

of all the sickness and
the smell, which is bad,

and then you got also
get in and go ppbsst,

and you got to wipe
that right in there.

So he left her.

That makes me,
bam, best friend,

number one circle, right here,
first tier, boo, dab.

Yeah. Okay, okay, okay,
thank you very much Vicky,

that's enough.

There's um,
there's a system.

Okay, so people here
in this first ring,

they can unload
whatever they like

to people in the second ring,

that would be people
like other family,

other friends or even
an acquaintance.

Uh, are there any
second ringers here?

Hey, I'm, uh,
I'm Annie,

I'm here with Emily and, um,

I'm a neighbour and
I just sort of, um,

help out when her
sister can't be there.

So I don't know if I'm second
ring or third ring or-

Oh you're second ring.
You're second ring, come on.

That's good, second stringer,
you know your place, right,

'cause I'm best and
you're second best.

We're not really
here to compare.

Vicky:
No, third best.

No no it's not,
it's not a ranking.

Don't sell yourself short,
you're second best, yeah.

And you're second best,

and you're second
best for sure.

And should you even be here?

I'm very sick.

Okay, okay, okay,

so I just would like
to remind everyone,

but particularly you Vicky,

that the reason that
we do this circle

is to make things easier
on the person who is sick

because it is
toughest on them.

Exactly.

It is so tough to
take care of Judy.

But you know what's going
to bring my mood around?

A good old cup of tea.

Okay, sickies,
you stay here,

and, uh, all the ringers
come on with me,

come on, let's go
make me a cup of tea.

This is a skill you're going to
need, alright, so come on.

Sorry, I'm-
-It's fine.

Don't freak out, okay.

Um,

are you confident you have the
most supportive person with you?

Listen, she has a car with
super comfy heated seats

and she drives
me everywhere.

I have saved a
fortune on taxis.

Fair enough.

It's always the assholes
that have the nice car, huh.

Yeah.
-Yeah.

You know, no one
knows the suffering

that I'm going through.

(exhales deeply)

To be,

or not to be

that is the question,

whether 'tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows.

Husband:
Ah Babe,

I'm so sorry to interrupt

but this isn't really
what I had in mind

when I agreed to role play.

Well I think you need to
be a little more open

to non-traditional casting.

Yeah I know but
I just thought,

you know, like a sexy
nurse or a sexy police-

No, I was born to
play the great roles.

Sexy Hamlet, sexy Lear.

Okay, okay, we'll
go from the top.

Back to once okay.

Actually, you know what,

try this time with
the Scottish accent.

Okay, good.

(with Scottish accent)
To be or not to be-

Oh yeah, oh there it is.

(with Scottish accent)
That's a question.

Okay, yeah.

(with Scottish accent) Whether
it is nobler in the mind

to suffer the slings and
arrows of outrageous,
-Yeah yeah, get down to it.

it's outrageous the fortune,
what a shitty fortune.
-Yeah yeah yeah.

Oh oh, yeah yeah, oh,
oh my Scot, oh yeah.

(with Scottish accent)
Alas eunuch,

I knew him so well
'cause I fucked him!

Yeah.
-Yeah.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

(edgy electronica music)

*

We're in, initiating
phase three.

Well I've got two minutes

to disable the central
security system

before our position
is compromised.

Oh good thing we have the
best hacker in North America.

Mouse.
-Yes!

You're up.

I can't wait to
watch this guy work.

Da! I hear he's like
some kind of wizard.

How long do we have?

One minute,
twelve seconds.

This is going to be tight.

Ahhhh, S, ahh,
what is that letter?

E, there it is, beside the,

double C, where's the-

Carolyn:
What? What are you doing man,
type faster.

Okay, C, got it,
I'm typing.

What are you doing?
No, type faster

I never learned to type
that's the thing so-

You're a hacker!
-Thirty seconds.

Yes, yes I am.

There's a U here somewhere,

if I could just find you, U!

Right next to the Y, yeah.
-Are you kidding me?

Found it.
-We're dead.

(alarms blaring)

Oops I just,
I made a mistake,

hold one, delete,
delete, delete, delete.

I'm just going to have
a do over on this one.

We're dead.

What are you doing?

Don't just sit there.

The Montgomery's are
coming over for dinner.

It's one o'clock.

Yeah, which means we have
five hours to figure out

how to talk to them.

Why do you think that's
going to be an issue?

Because you know
who they voted for?

No they did not.

Mr. Montgomery:
They absolutely did,
I saw their lawn sign.

Well why are we even
going over there?

We've unfriended everybody
else because of politics. Okay-

I know. Okay, just write
down politics and religion,

those are just the baseline.

Oh, oh, I know, kids.

We can talk about our kids.

Kids, school,
education, sex ed.

Ah, nope nope. Okay.
-God.

(lively instrumental)
Hockey.

Okay, hockey! Sports!
-Okay.

NFL, anthem protests.
Shit! Nope.

Fonts, no they
hate Comic Sans.

Font, no. Comic Sans.

The weather.

Really?

What's with all
this weird weather

we've been having lately?

Well obviously it's global.

Shit!

Pets. We have a dog,
they have a dog.

A dog that is not spade.

Oh you've got to be kidding me!
-I'm not kidding.

Wife:
Home shopping network?

Capitalism.
-Ah.

Mr. Montgomery:
Space?

No, I heard them
talking about

the flatness of the
earth one time,

and I don't even
want to go there.

Husband:
Sushi!

Oh, over fishing of the oceans.
-Ugh.

Mrs. Montgomery:
Uh, music!

Mr. Montgomery: Nickelback.
-Ugh.

Husband:
Outpatient surgeries?

If you bring up that
ugly thing on your foot,

I will divorce you.

Mr. Montgomery:
Now look at the time honey,
we got to go. We gotta go.

Oh god, we got to go,
we got to go. Okay.

(phone chime) Oh shit,
that's the Montgomery's.

They're on their way, alright,
alright, alright, alright.

We got ten minutes to wipe
down this entire house

with wet toilet paper, go.

(lively instrumental)

So, ah-

Thank you

for

having us.

Husband:
What a wonderful

evening?

Mrs. Montgomery:
Yes.

(inhales deeply)

Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Yes, bye.

We'll, we'll just take these.
-Yeah.

I think that went really well.

That was amazing.

Nailed it!

I love you.
-Oh I love you.