All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E05_English

Apparently my knuckles
are very young.

Oooh, that's good.
-Oh, look at you.

That's what the doctor said.
-Ooh, I am so hungry,

I hope our food comes soon.

Oh, I can't wait,

the lasagna here is the best.

Uh, see, I always order wrong.

I didn't know that.

Oh well, you won't have
that problem here,

everything is good.

Oh, here it comes.

Sorry for the wait.

Who's having the wild
mushroom rosemary risotto?

Here.

And the ricotta
spinach lasagna?

Right here.
-There you go.

That looks great.

The old baby onesie

with mayonnaise
and ground beef,

for you.

Enjoy.

Like how do I always
order the worst thing?

No.

Carolyn:
It looks so good on
the menu, you know.

("Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores)

* Me and my friends
will spike the punch

* Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

* Get fancy

* Hey Hey

* There's no clouds
its just the sun

* Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

* Hold your breath
a little longer

* Let's go dancing underwater

* Oh, oh, oh oh oh

(ballroom instrumental)

Hello, oh.
(static)

Hello.

First I'd like to
remind everyone here

to turn off your
cell phones.

Before we begin this
evening's performance,

we would like to acknowledge
that this theatre

stands on territory
of the Anishinaabe,

the Haudenosaunee,

the Huron-Wendat

and the Petun First Nations.

We are also mindful
of broken convenants,

and the need to make right
with all our relations.

And now, please
enjoy the show.

Oh, ah, sorry hello.

Oh, oh I'm sorry.

Excuse me, um,

should we, um,
should we go?

Excuse me?

Oh no, no I just mean if
we're on someone else's land,

shouldn't we,
shouldn't we leave?

Oh no no no no no,

the-the theatre is here now

and we just like to
acknowledge whose land it is.

I'm sorry, I'm so confused.

So if we're on someone
else's land shouldn't-

shouldn't we do
something about that or?

Ah, hopefully we'll
enjoy the performance.

Oh, okay, so some of the,

the money from the
ticket sales of the show

are going to the
indigenous communities?

Well no.

A portion of-of them?

No, no, the-the ticket
sales go to the theatre.

So is the money from the
bottled water sold here

going to the First Nations
for clean drinking water or?

Oh no, that money
goes to Nestle.

Nestle.

They're our sponsor.

I'm so sorry,
I'm so confused.

Whose-whose land are we on?

Wha-what are we?

What are we doing?

It's a dialogue, um...

How are we making right?

Well there's uh, uh,
there-there's a plaque

you can read in the lobby.

I'm just, I don't understand.

I'm getting a message
from the stage manager

that we need to
begin the show,

so please take your seats,

have a good time.

Woman:
But, um-

Good night.

I guess I'll sit down?

Enjoy the show.

I'll just enjoy the show.

Why do you always do this?

This is my day.

Why are you always
stealing attention?

No.

What?

Helen.

What is she talking about?

I thought you liked purple!

Oh god, I'm sorry-

Come on now.

(soft instrumental)
(background chatter)

Jennifer:
How sweet it is.

Aurora:
Oh, thank you.

Alright, I guess
I'll take the guys.

Seriously?

Over those two nice ladies?

You're new.

Look, there is no table worse
than two middle-aged women.

Oh, come on.
-Shhh, that's (stammering).

You'll see.

Hi ladies.

The music is very loud in here,
would you mind turning it down?

Aurora:
And this table's a bit sticky,
it needs a wipe.

Of course,

but first, what can
I get you to drink?

(in unison) White wine.

Server:
Okay, we have a chardonnay,

a sauvignon blanc-

(in unison) Pinot grigio.

We don't have a
pinot grigio by the glass.

(thundering chord)

Well do you have
it by the bottle?

Yes but-

Oh, well then you can
just open a bottle,

pour us each a glass,

and then charge us what
you would have charged us

for another bottle
by the glass.

Server:
That's not how-

Oh and could you bring us
different complimentary bread.

Aurora:
Just remind the kitchen that
the quality of the bread

reflects the quality
of the restaurant.

Mm.

Server:
Sure, they love hearing that.

How is the red pepper
stuffed fish prepared?

Well, it's a whole branzino
stuffed with red pepper-

Aurora:
Ah see, I can't
eat red pepper.

Server:
Ah, well in that case
might I suggest-

Jennifer:
Well why don't you
just ask your chef

to stuff it with
something else?

Wait, does this
fish have bones?

Well some.
It's a whole fish.

So I'm expected to pay
full price for an entree

that I have to debone
myself at the table?

It's, um, Italian.

Well, I don't care if
it sits up on my plate

and sings "That's Amore",

it's not my job to
prepare the meal,

I could do that
at home for free.

Ah-
- Never mind, never mind,

here's what we're going to do.

We're going to get
several small appetizers.

(ringing echoing instrumental)
I'll do that one,
that one and that one.

(muted) But I would like you
to bring them all together

as a single main.

(muted) And can you divide-

(dreamlike instrumental)

(demonic laughter)

Aurora:
Miss? Miss?

Hm?

You know what, this
table is still sticky.

I'm just going to
wipe it down for you.

Jennifer:
Yes, you know what,

the music is
still too loud,

I'll just turn it down.

And, uh (grunts).

Told you.

And oh, look, you
can see already

I've got some dirt you probably
didn't even know about.

It's alright, I've done
your job so many times.

Thank you for the tip.

You're so welcome.

It's good to have
a humble attitude

when you're starting out.

(toilet flushing)

Ah, god.

Ah, come on.

Ah, what am I a ghost?

Oh, oh my god, wow, yes.

Wow, I died there.

(gasps) That's why
I'm always cold.

Huh, okay, well, wooo!

Oh my god, I am so jazzed
about this road trip.
-Me too!

Like, so jazzed.

Woo!
-Woohoo!

Let's go!

Yeah.

I am super excited.

I didn't get out of the city
all summer, so this is it.

This is my mini vacation.

Well honestly, like
I don't mean to brag

but I put a lot of effort
into our playlist.

I've got like eight hours

of songs you can
sing in the shower.
-Yeah.

I've got podcasts,
like your top podcasts,

the best killers
and serial killers

and sociopaths and
pet detectives, pet psychics,

like you name it,
it's all there.

This is fantastic.
-Yeah.

I don't want to brag.

Okay, what do you got?

I have the best car snack
for this road trip ever.

Okay, I'm slightly concerned

that you used it
in the singular,

but I'm, probably just
means it's amazing.

Brrrrrr, jaw breakers!

What?

* Two little blue
balls in the bag,

* let's suck 'em, suck 'em,
suck 'em, suck 'em, suck 'em *

Seriously? That's
the only snack

you brought for an
eight hour drive?

Eight hours straight
sucking and licking

'til you get to the
super sour centre.

Baby, ah ah ah, do
you want yours now?
-No.

These are big,
I didn't skimp out.

Look at it.
-Oh my god.

Is this seriously
all you brought?

Try it. Eat it.
-No, I'm trying to drive.

Give it a lick.
-No.

A tiny lick.
-No.

Whatever.
-I'm not touching it.

Your loss.

(sucking and slobbering)

Driver:
You're disgusting.

Like, I could have packed
all sorts of stuff.

(garbled) I can't
feel my tongue.

Seven hours to go!

(garbled) Where
did you get that?

Got it at the,
uh, gas station.

How's that, uh,
jaw breaker treating you?

(garbled) Good, I love it.

(garbled) Do you
want yours now?

No thanks.

(garbled) More for me I guess.

Deeelicious!

Oh god.

(garbled) I've got a
little surprise for ya.

What?

Passenger:
Dessert.

Mmm.

No, no.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

(humming)

Oh, hold the elevator please.

Thank you.
-No worries.

Which floor?
-15.

There you go.

(humming "Wake Me Up
Before You Go-go")

Yo yo.
-Yo yo, oh I love that song.

(lively instrumental)

Boss:
So as you know

the systems for the
TMS reports are-

I'm so sorry I'm late,
the streetcar was delayed.

Nuts.

Oh, hold the elevator please.
-Oh.

Thanks.
-Which floor?

15.
-There we go.

(humming "Wake Me Up
Before You Go-go")

Yo yo.
-Yo yo.

I love that song, yeah.

Boss:
As you know the
systems for the TMS-

I'm so sorry I'm late,
the streetcar was delayed.

Ah. Nuts.
- Digitized.

Hold the elevator please.
-Oh.

Oh, thank you.

No problem, which floor?

Um, 15.
-Great.

(humming "Wake Me Up
Before You Go-go")

Yo yo.
-Yo yo.

Ah, I love that song.
(eerie instrumental)

Yeah, I know.

Okay, as you know

the systems for
the TMS report-

So sorry I'm late.
The streetcar was delayed.

Oh nuts.
-Oh nuts.

I knew you were
going to say that.

Everything is happening the
exact same as it did yesterday.

(crescendoing suspenseful music)

God, I'm in a groundhog loop!

Fuck yeah!

Yes!

Ah Beth, what's, uh,
what's going on?

I'm never going to age.

I'm going to read
all the books.

I'm going to learn all
the fucking languages,

and that's not all.

I'm going to fuck
you and you and you,

and even you Gary.

There will be no
consequences for my actions!

(uplifting instrumental)

Beth, Beth that's enough,

you're not in a
groundhog day loop,

you just live a
really boring life,

you do the same thing
every day, we all do.

Co-Worker:
It's true.

Oh, I have misread
the situation.

I'm sorry.

It was a nice try though.
-Thank you.

You know, we could still, uh-

Shut up, Gary.

Boss:
So digitization is a
process that requires-

Billy:
Donny, you should
check that out.

Oh yeah.

Look at that face!
-Yeah.

Stunning.

That's something else.
-Yeah.

You think, uh-

You think I should go over
there and get a number off her?

Yeah, yeah, man,
totally, bro, go.

Really? Okay, alright,
how do I look?

Go on, man.

Alright.
-Just go.

Hey, I'm Billy.

Hi.

I just want to say,

like I'm really digging
what you got going on here,

and I was, uh,

I was hoping I could get
a number off of you?

Oh, um, okay.

There you go.

Thank you very much.

(children chatter)
Number 11!

Ah yeah!

Look, we're number 13,

it's just like two away.
-Yes yes yes.

I'm going to get my
face like a kitty cat.

Dude, that is going
to look sick.

So good, man.

I might get like a
mermaid on one cheek

and like a unicorn on the other.
-That's so good.

Like a wood elf or some shit,
I don't know.

Yeah, she does, uh,
dinosaurs and butterflies.

She's really skilled.
-Are you kidding me?

Oh look, there's a
banana in my pocket.

Can I have a bite?

No man, fuck that,

come on let's go get
our faces painted.

They're great for potassium.

So Tina, the results of
your hearing test are in.

Oh god, is it bad?

Well it's not ideal.

Um, it turns out you're
a half listener.

I can't run a half marathon.

No, no you're a
half listener.

My sister, she just had twins.

Ah, never mind.

Listen, I'm going to need
you to stay off the socials,

and try not to run
for office, okay.

Oh, it is so nice to hear that
I can count on your vote.

You're giving me your tote?

Tina:
What?

I guess it's a coat,
I call it a blazer.

Oh my god,
it's contagious.

It is outrageous.

Doctor?

Meredith:
Toronto's great.

Life is good,
anyway I'm boring.

You two, homeowners now.

Yeah.
-Yeah.

Moved outside of Toronto.
-Yeah.

I can't believe it,
how's Hamilton?

Oh my god, Hamilton!

It's-it's great.
-Yeah.

It's amazing, the
suburbs of the suburbs.

Yeah, honestly it just feels
good to get out of Toronto.

We love it, it's like the,
what the, Brooklyn of Jersey?

I'd say it's the
Jersey of Brooklyn.

I don't know what that means.

It's perfect, it's beautiful,
it's thriving.

Oh my god, it's
such a good scene.

Our house is huge compared
to what you can get here.

Aurora:
Its up and coming.

Yeah, like our
mortgage is so low,

we're going to have it
paid off in like no time.

Friday nights there's
this art crawl.

Aurora:
There's an emerging food scene.

Carolyn:
Yeah, it's super hard to
meet new people, you know,

when you're 40.

Yeah, we have no friends.

Yeah, Toronto is still
so close, right.

You hop in your car and you're
here in like 20 minutes.

Oh yeah, our door to downtown,
40 minutes easy.

Carolyn:
We put on a podcast,
leave before the sun comes up,

you're here in like an hour.

Aurora:
And what would you say, like our
place to Toronto, round trip?

Oh roundtrip, I'd say
that's like a cool-

Four hours?
-Yeah.

That is, I think
you're having a-

that's good.

Aurora:
It is.

Yeah, best thing we
could have done.

Aurora: Great culture.
-Yeah, great food.

And I've handcuffed
myself to you.

What?
- You're going to love Hamilton.

No, you're joking.

Aurora:
We're going to hang
out all the time.

You should stop.

And here comes the chloroform.

And out you'll go and
we're picking you up.

Ooh, and taking you back to
wonderful, wonderful Hamilton.

To hang out with
all our friends.

All our, a friend.

Our friend.
-Yeah.

The one, I mean we have a
realtor, we have Chandler.

He's our friend.
-Yeah.

Aurora:
I mean we pay him
but he's friendly.

He doesn't really want
to hang out with us.

He comes and visits though.

Yeah. Well when we-

When we have an
appointment, yeah.

(soft rhythmic music)

(phone chiming)
Okay, you guys,

I've called the Uber

and it's going to be here
in, um, six minutes,

so we got to get going.

Okay.
-Okay, great.

Marie?

Yeah?

I just called the Uber,

it's going to be here
in like, uh, 5 minutes.

Okay, cool.

Ginger:
I'm just putting on my coat,

does everyone know
where their coat is?

Aurora:
Yeah.

Ginger:
Marie?

Yeah?

Like honestly, can you put
on like your coat and stuff?

The Uber is going to
be here in 4 minutes,

so that's like pretty soon.

Jennifer:
Does my hair look okay?

I think we can
do better, I do.

Oh no your hair looks fine,
your hair looks totally fine.

No no, it looks fine.

Look, the Uber is going to be
here in like 4 minutes, so.

Oh, it's tons of time.

Honestly, it's not a lot
of time because like,

you have to get your coat on,
you have to get your bags,

we have to get
downstairs to the lobby.

You should do a French braid.
I can do that if you want.

(gasps) Would you?

Yeah, you know what you guys,
there's no time to braid.

You guys, the Uber is going to
be here in three minutes, okay.

I thought you just said
it was four minutes away?

Yeah, it got closer.

I'm going to do a fishtail.

Oh I love a fishtail.

You guys, honestly,

the Uber is going to be
here in like two minutes.

Aurora:
Hey, who wants another
swig of wine before we go?

We're not having wine!

Aurora:
Oooh!

Come on!

Well we're going to have to
clean up all this glass.

Just walk over it!

No, I don't have shoes on,
I'm wearing my sockettes.

Oh, oh I can make you
a quick pair of shoes.

Marie:
She can, she just graduated
from cobbler school.

Like I'm not kidding.

Okay, I'm going to
get the elevator.

My god, cobbler school,
I love that.

I know right.

Will you do my hair?

Oh yeah.

Oh shit, you guys honestly,
no, the elevator is broken.

Let's cancel the car.

I-I can't cancel the car!!

Oh my god he's here.

No, he's actually here now.
(murmuring)

No, he's actually here!
He's actually here!

Look at the car!

I can see it.

You guys, I've
been super polite!!

I've been waiting for
you guys to come!!

I've been really
nice to all of you!

And now he's here!!

He's here! He's here!
He's here!!

Ahhhh!!!

Stranger.

Ginger, we're
right behind you.

She's so worked up
in her big coat.

She's extra.

Okay, come on guys,
I'm serious now.

(screaming)

(in unison) Oooh!

Marie:
You were rushing.

Ginger:
Come on, he's here!

Ah, fuck, ow!

Be right there.
-Oh.

We're just going to
make some shoes.

Oh can you rebraid my hair
'cause I think it fell out?

Marie:
Her braid fell out.

Ginger:
No, he's out front you guys!

He drives away in two minutes.

Aurora:
I'm going to have a shower!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Done.

Done, done.

Okay.
-Okay.

So this is

the name of the celebrity
that we are officially

allowed to sleep with

should the opportunity
ever present itself.

Yes.
-Yes.

You ready?

I'm ready.

1,2,3.

Um, you've got to
choose one celebrity.

Ah, this is going to be hard.

One?
-Yes.

Who's the one with the
scuba mask and one eye?

I don't...

I've always wanted
to be fingered

by someone with one eye.

I'll take him. Stuart.

Maybe we should be
writing fan fiction.

Okay.
-Okay.

(eerie instrumental)

*

*

No.

No.

No no, stop.

Stop, don't come any closer!

Don't come any closer!

No, get away from me!

Stay away from me!

Noooo!

Oh god!

These are new goddamn shoes!

These are suede!

I just bought them!

Oh god, somebody
help my new shoes!

Oh Jesus Christ!

Ah, ah, they were on sale.

They were on sale for 50% off.

Sandra:
I don't know,

I'm just thrilled that
you came out to visit,

and, uh, it's been too long.

Well it's great to see you

and you know what Sandra,

I have to say the place
is looking spotless.

Oh what, thank you.

Thank you.

I mean to be honest, I have
had a little bit of help.

But, uh, anyway, would
you care for some wine?

Sure, thank you.

Okay, fantastic, guys.
(clicks fingers)

(in unison) Hi. Hello,
hi, how can we help?

Um, would you
mind picking up

a bottle of wine
from the basement,

maybe an Amaroni,
a couple of glasses,

and if you can check on
the Ragu in the kitchen,

I think that, uh, something
might be burning.

Yes, okay.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

Anyway, so how's
business going for you?

Sandra, who are those people?

What?
-Them.

Oh, oh my god have
I not told you?

No.

Oh I'm so sorry, my dad
passed away recently.

Oh.
-Oh don't worry,

you know, we weren't close.

Hadn't seen him in
over twenty years.

But the long and the
short of it is he um,

well he left me his
cult in his will. So-

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you so much.
Appreciate it.

Uh, his cult?
-Yeah.

I didn't know he had a cult.

Well neither did I actually,

I mean, it came as
a total surprise,

but as his only daughter,

I'm his representative
on earth,

so um, anyway, I've been
making the most of it

and it's actually not too bad.

Do you fancy some music?

Um, sure.
-Okay, great.

(ringing)

Hi. Hello.

(in unison) Hi, how
can we help, hi.

Sandra:
Music please.

* She's got the whole world

* in her hands
-I'm-I'm the she.

* She's got the
whole wide world

* in her hands

* She's got the whole world
-Okay, enough.

Anyway, I just love
these little dumplings,

they're coming
along really well,

and I gotta say

it's just really nice having
them around the house.

No, no stop.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, this is a
human rights issue.

What?
-You could go to jail for this.

What?
-These people are brainwashed.

Guys, don't you have
families to go to? Lives?

No.
-No, they really don't.

Sandra.
-What?

They need to be free.

What?

Oh, man, no,
come on, Tina.

I've been so lonely
and honestly

they are so good with orgies,

like they really, I know.

Tina:
I'm sorry,

I'm really uncomfortable
with this Sandra,

guys, out.

What? No.

Tina:
Go, go, scoot.
Come on, out you go.

Tina.
-Out you go.

I'm so sorry,
bye you guys.

I'm going to miss your bodies.

Goodbye.
-Go, go, go, go, go.

I'm going to miss you, Pony.
I'm going to miss you, Pony.

Oh dear.

Okay, bye.

Tina:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey guys, hey guys,
hey guys, wait up.

Want to party?

You, yeah, my place,
big fuck pile,

bring the triangle,

leave the guns.