All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E04_English

Excuse me.

(sighs)

Excuse me.
-Okay, you know what?

I chose the window
seat for a reason

because I like to
just keep to myself.

So I'm not interested
in talking to you.

I don't want to hear
about your life.

I don't want to know what
you do for a living.

I don't want to hear
about your kids

and what they had
for breakfast.

I just want to sit here.

I want to play on my phone.

I want to watch some
Just for Laughs gags,

and in turn, I'm not
going to bother you.

I'm not going to get up.

I'm not going to
move your tray.

I'm not going to scooch
in front of you.

I'm not going to go
to the bathroom.

I'm not going to ask to take a
walk up and down the aisles.

I'm going to sit here
politely in my seat,

and all I ask is that you
refrain from touching me,

bothering me or
talking to me, cool?

Woman:
I just wondered if you
wanted your oxygen mask.

Oh, yeah, it actually
makes a lot of sense.
(passengers screaming)

Thanks so much. Cool.

Oh yeah, this is,
this helps a lot.

Actually, I was getting
a bit light headed.

Where the fuck is my mask?

("Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores)

* Me and my friends
will spike the punch

* Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

* Get fancy

* Hey Hey

* There's no clouds
its just the sun

* Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

* Hold your breath
a little longer

* Let's go dancing underwater

* Oh, oh, oh oh

(dramatic instrumental)

*

Man:
Oh!

Welcome to justice,

population, you.

Wondrous Woman.

Superior Girl.

Captain Marvellous,

the city needs your help.

What do you need us to do,
Commissioner Ginger?

Over there.

(coughing)

Hey, newsflash,

this is a free country

and I can smoke
wherever I want, okay.

Get him!

Uh, I don't know,

I'd feel kind of awkward
saying something, you know.

I'm tough and I-I can
shoot lasers from my eyes,

as I blow things up,

but really bad,

-Yeah.
super bad at
interpersonal conflict,

not my thing.

Yeah, nobody really wants
to be that lady, you know.

What?

That lady?

Yes.

That Lady.

(god-like instrumental)

*

Is there a problem here?

That Lady,

the people on that
patio need your help.

That is so rude.

Excuse me,

sir, excuse me,
sir, yes you.

Excuse me,

you can't do that here.

Oh fuck off you old hag.

Haha, you did not
just say that to me.

You need to realize
that you have no right

to blow your shitty
smoke everywhere.

These people are too
polite to say anything

but they did not come here

to have their evening
ruined by some asshole.

And if you would like
me to call the manager,

I will do that.

That's literally what I do.

So come on, make my evening.

I was, you don't have to do-

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's better.
Apology accepted.

Thank you, That Lady.

I would have never
said anything.

Oh my god,
you're so welcome,

no problem at all.

Like seriously though, guys,

you couldn't have done that?

That Lady does what
no one else can.

But no one wants
to be that lady.

It's her tragedy.

Yeah. I mean, she's
super embarrassing

but she totally
gets shit done.

Really, like,
really good at it.

Captain Marvellous:
Yeah.

Wow, someone's parked
in the bike lane.

Oh no, that goes against
the traffic by-laws

of the municipality.

Go take care of it.

Oh, well.

I'm sure it'll
sort itself out.

I'm shy.
-Yeah.

Fine, is this a
job for That Lady?

That Lady?

Ah.

(deific instrumental)

Excuse me.

The city is safe again.

(deific instrumental)

Woman:
You know I think it's good,

it's not great,
it's good,

you know, it's a good movie,
it was a good movie.

Um, listen Dave,

I've been having a really
great time with you.

Yeah, me too.

And this is our third date.

Third date.

And, you know,
I hope that someday

I get invited to your place,

or maybe I can
invite you to mine.

Ah, cha-yeah.

But, um, before that happens

there is something that
I need to tell you.

I have herpes,

and I have had it for
about five years,

and it's totally
under control,

and as far as I know

I've never passed it
on to anyone else.

I just wanted to tell you,

and be up front 'cause
I really like you.

And, um, I can answer any
questions that you may have

in case you're freaked out
'cause sometimes people are.

Oh god.

Thank you for your honesty, but-

I don't care.

Really?

Yeah really, I mean,

the whole stigma with herpes is
blown way out of proportion.

Yes.
-You don't need to worry at all,

I promise I am a
100% okay with that.

That's great news.

Dave:
Oh yeah.

-Uh huh.
Anyways, while we're letting
each other know about things.

I wanted to let you know-
-Uh huh.

um, that I have...

a close up magic show
this Saturday,

and I would love it
if you could come.

I can-I can get you
a tick-a ticket-

This is for you.

Dave:
Thank you.

I can either pay
with my Visa-

(tinkle)

Or one of these.

Seriously?

Ugh.

Doctor:
Well I've drawn
my conclusions,

but I suppose it comes down to
a question I've been asking,

and I'll ask one more time.

Patient:
Okay.

Were you trying
to kiss your cat?

Pssht.

Whatever. What?

It's a simple question.

Patient:
What was it?

Were you trying
to kiss your cat?

There's really no
other explanation.

I don't know what you're-

Were you trying to change
a tampon with your face?

Like I pulled it out and
slapped it all over my face?

Was it a really skinny tampon
that looked like a cat's paw?

Sure, that's what happened.

Okay, well that makes
the most sense.

Do you ever kiss your cat?

Maybe that's the question
you want to ask yourself.

Does my face look
like I kiss my cat?

I'm a dog person.

Don't forget it.

(overlapping chatter)

Okay, everyone.

Guys, guys, guys,

I think, I think it's
present time, yeah?

Bring it on!
-Yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Okay, it's, uh, nothing much,

but I think you're
really going to like it.

I'm sure I will love it.

Oh my god!

It's a Bulk Barn gift card!

Oh thank you so much,

I love Bulk Barn,
oh, thank you, ooh.

Pink Shirt:
Well, uh, this
one's from me.

Oh, thank you.
-Happy birthday.

Oh, what is it?

It's another Bulk Barn
gift card!

(laughter)

Carol's going to be putting a
dent in the bins this Saturday.

Alright.

Okay, well, this
one's from me, so.

Carol:
Thank you.

* Happy birthday

Oh, it's another

Bulk Barn card.

Oooh, right, yay!

I didn't realize
I was such a,

a known bulk enthusiast.

Yeah.
-It's all you talk about.

Well they sell cashew butter,

and it's exciting.

Of course.
-Let's move on.

Oh, oh okay,
what do we have?

Really?

Really.

Who the fuck puts a gift
card in a gift bag?

Hey Cindy,
whatcha doing there?

Where's your gift, Cindy?

Happy birthday, I love
this time with you

and I didn't get what
birthday present

and I forgot it,
the dog ate it.

I left it at home.

Ha-happy birthday.

Give me

the card.

It's a Bulk Barn gift card!

I know it's a Bulk Barn
gift card, Cindy!

There it is.

You know what?

So I like buying loose
candies and powders.

Did you know it's a more
economical to shop?

Did you know

it's a more environmentally
friendly way to shop?

Oh.
-Hey, I bring my own containers.

Oh.

So yes,

I am a bulker.

Sue me.

That is not all that I am,

you've reduced me to bulk.

You know what,

I'm really sorry to
sound ungrateful,

but this is turning into a
bit of a sad evening for me,

so, you know, I'll just-

Thank you.

(pattering)

(sighs)

Well shit,

they had a special
on mung beans

and Skittles.

Oh.

And, um-

I took advantage of it.

Cindy:
Can I have a Skittle?

Help yourself.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Carolyn:
But then I said if
that's the case,

you better talk
to Jane Sibbery.

You did not say that!

No.

That's amazing.

Guys stop it, stop,
stop all fun, it's 7pm,

we have to call the cab,

we have to get to
the restaurant.

Oh, we're having such
a great time here.

Yeah, this place is so great.

I mean, we could stay
here if you want.

The thing is it took
me like six months

to get a reservation at Gooza.

(in unison) Oh.

But we-
-That's a tough reservation.

Well isn't this what we're
always striving for?

Like just to have
a time like this?

We are having a
great time here,

you're having a
great time here,

I can see how much
you're laughing.

I know. I know,
it's so much fun.

Why don't I just
whip something up.

I've got stuff in the kitchen,
like honestly,

I know I've got
like onions and garlic

and all sorts of
stuff in the fridge.

Really? You don't mind?
-No not at all.

I'll make us a little something,
we'll just stay here.

If it's good with you,
it's good with me.

You know what they say,

you never leave a
winning table, right?

(in unison) Yay!

Winning table.
(lively instrumental)

No one's allergic
to tomatoes, right?

(in unison) No!

Are those homemade?

Man:
Wow, she's upping the ante.

(excited chatter)
(lively instrumental)

Oh my god, it's craziness.

Onions on the loose.

Man:
You got 'em girl,
you got 'em!

Aurora:
We got totally lost

and I literally fell
into his backyard.

She literally fell
into your lap?

She did.

Jennifer:
I know who I am,
I am the birthday girl,

so I don't have
to do anything.

Man: There you go.
- I'm the princess.

Aurora:
We'll do the dishes.

Carolyn:
Okay.

(lively instrumental)

And, tada!

Man:
Wow.

Jennifer:
What is this?

A mountain of cheese.

Here are some nice
onions on crackers

and some maraschino cherries
for colour.

Over here, a delicious
stewed tomato.

French lentil
used for crunch,

and then, um, there's this.

This my 45th birthday dinner.

I said I had stuff
in the fridge,

I-I didn't say I
knew how to cook.

It was implied.

Yeah.

Aurora:
Maybe we could call Gooza

and see if they
have a reservation

in another six months.
- Yeah, good luck.

I need you to talk me through
that goddamn cracker.

Talk me through it, go!
- I don't know.

(bubbling noises)

Hey.
-Hey.

Hey.

Oooh, oof, someone's
looking tired.

Oh, I, thanks.

I just worked late last night.

You, should drink more water.

I drink water.

Oooh, you can
always drink more.

Honestly, it gives me ten times
the energy than caffeine does.

Yeah, it's cool, it's important
to stay hydrated, I hear you.

I don't even need to
moisturize anymore

because of all the
water that I drink.

Well you should probably
still use moisturizer

'cause, you know, we're
not getting any younger.

Actually, honestly,

because of all the
water that I drink,

I think I might be getting
younger. Hahahahaha.

(dribbling)

Back to the grind I guess.
-Mhm.

You're drenched in piss,
by the way.

Mmm, my skin's never
looked better, hair.

Hey, buddy how's it going?

Listen, have you thought
about what we talked about?

I can get you a really good
deal on litre bottles,

and you just like,
you get a backpack,

you just put it
right in your mouth,

you're going to feel amazing.

Honestly, I've
never felt better.

I feel like, you know,

I kind of feel like, um,

I'm a better person.

I'm a more awake person,

a more creative person,
you know,

like everything is
better, breathing-

Whoa!
-Ah!

Doctor:
Hm.

So what are we looking
to get done today?

Well I-

Oh before you start talking,
let me guess,.

Let me guess. Okay.

Your chin.

Ah, no.

Doctor:
Really? Huh, okay.

So we're just going to
do the lazy eye then?

Um, I don't have a lazy eye.

Alright, so an
earlobe reduction?

I really don't think so.

Have you been pulling at them?
-No.

Do you have a baby who
sucked on your earlobes

instead of your nipples?

No.

Tooth softening.

Why would I want that?

Studies have shown that women
don't like to make noise

when they're eating
crunchy things,

and this procedure helps
eliminate that entirely.

Look see,

I had the procedure
done myself.

Okay, I'm kind of
suspicious of that science.

I'm going to pass.

So then you'd just like
the full body peel?

No.

We rip the skin right off-
- No.

Burn it with an acid-
-No.

And you'll be
screaming like a baby,

bloody and new.
-No!

Really?
-Yes.

Seriously?
-Seriously.

You don't want me to do that?
-I do not.

You'll look younger.
-I don't care.

You don't?
-Noo.

Huh, no, no judgement,
that's fine.

What I really was-

Looking for is tattooing
along the side

to add some shading
and contouring

so that you don't
look so flabby.

Pass.

How 'bout we replace the
sweat glands under your arms

with air freshening misters?

Pass.

Make you more
popular at the gym.

I'm okay with being pretty
anonymous at the gym. I don't-

No, you don't go to
the gym, do you?

Okay, why don't we pin your
eyelids open like this,

so you always look interested
when people are talking,

even when you're bored stiff.

I don't really think that
fits in with my lifestyle.

Okay, you're-you're-you're
scaring me now.

Okay, listen, let
me stop scaring you

and why don't you
scare yourself?

Now tell me,

how has your
nose failed you?

Okay, stop.

I just came here to get this
tiny little mole removed,

that's it.

And I just came here to
give you this brochure.

There are a lot of
procedures here,

we can tackle them
over the months,

and soon you'll be
looking like a person

who wants to be
on the planet.

See, we could do something
about that face,

that face you're
making right now,

thousands of dollars and
you'd be looking like her.

(huffs)

(squishes)

Oooh. Oh, yeah.

There you go,
thanks Doc,

that was great.

I thought that mole was cute.

Oh, really?

At a cost we can do a
mole reattachment surgery.

Now I'd advise putting
the mole on your face,

so that there's less of your
face for people to see.

I am not interested,
thank you very much.

I'll just look out the
window until you leave.

You're still here,
aren't you?

Patient:
I am, I need you to
validate my parking.

Dammit, okay.

(horn blaring)

(dramatic instrumental)

(gasps)

Oh no.

Oh no no no no no no no!

Iceberg!

Oh no.

Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.

Chugga chugga chugga
chugga chugga.

Oh my god, how many stairs
are on this G.D. ship?

You're killing me with this

buddy, go, move it, all right.

Here we go,
here we go, perfect.

Oh no, wait, just, no,
out of my way. Ah!

Still waters.
Looks good.

Okay, perfect.

(intense instrumental)

Ooooh, I came in here
to tell you something,

um, shoot, what was it?

Ah, ah, it was important.

I was going to tell you
something important, um-

About the crew, was
it about the crew?

No, not about the crew.

Meredith:
Passengers, about
the passengers?

Dinner time, mess hall?
-No.

Was it about piranhas?
Ah shit, I hate piranhas.

(banging)
Will you let that go,
there's no piranhas.

Captain:
Was it about that banging?

I guess it's gone,
oh well,

you know I'll probably remember
it at 3 in the morning.

That always happens to me.

Always.
-Drives me crazy.

I'm still thinking
about piranhas.

There are no piranhas.

You got to let that go, man.

We're in the North Atlantic,
there are river fish.

Okay, I'm going to go
down below I guess,

does anybody need
anything while I'm?

Captain:
Oh, yeah, you know what?

I'd love a cold glass
of water with some ice.

Ah!!!
(dramatic instrumental)

Sailor:
That's it!

I'm not drinking
enough water.

I'm not drinking enough water.

That's why you can't remember
anything, you're dehydrated.

Okay, be right back
with that ice water.

You can chat guys.

Ah, oh my brain.

What a jack ass.

Who was that?

I don't know.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Daughter:
It's our civic duty,

and if we want to
see social change,

we need to engage
the electorate,

and not forget about
older folks on voting day

just because they live in a
residence or a nursing home.

You got your voting
card there, Mom?

Yes darling.
-Okay.

Wow, you are so good
to your mother.

Oh, it's not about
my mother actually,

it's about the election and,

and elections are won
one vote at a time.

So if we make sure

that everybody gets
to the voting polls

then, you know, we'll be able
to make a better society.

Do you know who
she's voting for?

I don't know.

Oh, I like the bald man
with the big smile,

who wants to dig a moat
all around the country

to protect us from immigrants.

Okay, and back to your room.

Okay, here we go.

Ah, just put her back
in her room and-

Man:
Yeah, we'll-

Daughter:
Find another old person. Yeah.

Man:
Yeah all of these folks
will do I suppose.

(dramatic chords)
1300, 1400, 1500, 1600 dollars.

You don't have to do this.

So, um, this Magda,

is she some kind
of a, a witch?

Shh, don't say that.
-No.

A sorceress, that's what
she likes to go by.

I found her on Yelp,

I find most of my
things on Yelp-

Hello.

My name is-

Don't tell me why you're here.
-Okay.

Magda:
Because I already know.

One of you wants to reunite
with their dead mother.

Oh my god that
would mean so much.

Thank you.

Magda:
And the other one wants
to be able to go braless.

I'm so sorry,
can we just have,

that's what you came here for?

Um, I thought our requests
would be private.

The old gods have
no secrets, honey.

I can help both of you.

That is wonderful.
-That's amazing.

Thank you very much.
-You.

I want you to take your most
precious photo of your mother,

the one you love, the one
that brings her back for you,

and I want you to
burn it on your bed.

Yes.

Magda: Blow on the ashes-
-Hoo.

And then your mother will
come to you in a dream.

I'm not talking about one
of those weird dreams

where you think you're
falling and then you wake up.

One of those shitty
little dreams where like,

everybody is looking at you

while you're on the
toilet or something.

I'm talking a real deal dream.

You get your questions ready

'cause your mom is
going to show up.

Thank you.
-Oh my god.

Magda: You!
(suspenseful chords)

In order for you to achieve
the shape that you desire,

you must sacrifice

your best friend.

(crescendoing suspenseful music)

Wow, I had to burn a picture.

Like that's it.

And this is a high,
high price.

Look at my tits.
-Okay.

Magda:
Do you think they look good?

I would get on those
all day, all night.

I'm not wearing a bra.

Meredith:
They look so good.

Magda:
You know what I used to be?

A double G.
-Whoa.

Meredith:
I don't think that's a thing.
Is that a thing?

No.
Magda: Yes it's a thing.

I was a double G
since I was 13,

every single day strapping
on that straitjacket,

it was hell,

'til one day I woke up and I
realized that I had the power

to change that with magic,
and you know what I gave up?

What?

Oooh Sally!

What did you do?

It looks like you put a
candle out with your face!

It was worth it to me,

is it worth it to you?

Yeah.
(sinister instrumental)

Okay, let's do this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wow,

for you I have a
really good idea,

and why don't you
just not wear a bra.

Oh whatever A cup.

I push a B.

Do you know what I'd
look like without a bra?

Imagine two honeydew melons

attached to slinkies
stuck to my chest,

and I just let them
go and they're like,

boom boom boom boom boom.

Bongity bongity bong.

I just want to
be able to wear-

(in unison) Backless sundress.

Meredith:
Stop it!

It's called surgery,
you should get it,

it doesn't leave any scars.

It's better than killing
off your best friend!

What do you care if Tina dies,

you don't even like
her that much?

Did you say Tina?

Dude, she was my
maid of honour.

She smells like donkey.

Have you got this sorted out?

Meredith:
You know what, I'm glad.

Tina, see ya.

Go for it, get what you need.

(eerie instrumental)

Abracadabra.
(chuckling)

What?

You're saying abracadabra,
come on.

It's a cliché
because it works.

Abracadabra, abracadabra.

(echoing clap)

(gasps) Oh my god.

These are amazing,
will a chick-

She's, uh-

Oh shit, oooh, haha.

Guess I liked her
more than I thought.

Magda:
Mm.

It was worth though, right?

Magda:
It always is.

Yeah.

Oooh, I'm gonna just,
yeah, there we go.