All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E03_English

I don't know.

I know, it all look so good.

Have we decided what
we'd like to order?

Yeah, what's the
catch of the day?

Oh we have two options today,

we have a seaweed
encrusted Nestle bottle

with a side of Ziploc
sandwich bags.

Okay.

Or we have a delicious
6-pack of plastic rings,

dusted with petroleum sea salt,

and paired with an
empty container

of vanilla full fat yogurt.

[in unison] Oooh.

They both sound delicious.

You know what, I can't pass
up some plastic rings.

I'm going to have that,

but could I have it with a
side of microbeads please.

Oh, well in that case I'm going
to get the Nestle bottle,

but maybe we'll start with
some tampon applicators?

Oooh.
-For the table?

Yeah let's share.
-Okay. Just great.

You read my mind.

Oooh, excuse me,
it looks so good.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun

♪ Get fancy

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds
its just the sun

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah

♪ Hold your breath
a little longer

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

I mean, the sweat suit in
day to day wear every-

Oh, what's going on Larry?

Yeah, you look
totally freaked out?

Yeah the strangest
thing just happened.

I opened my email to a couple
of messages from clients

[dramatic instrumental]both explaining my job
to me like I'm an idiot,

turns out my computer had
auto-corrected my name

from Larry to Laura,

that's why they were
talking down to me.

They thought I was a woman.

Yeah, that's totally normal.-Yeah, yeah normally
happens to us every day.

It's not like weird
at all for us.

It's pretty normal to have
our jobs explained to us.

[dramatic instrumental]

It's like, there's
a world for men,

but then there's like this
upside down world for women,

That's so unfair.

Yeah, it's literally what we've
been saying for years and years.

It's pretty normal for us.

[dramatic instrumental]

You know, it would have taken
me twenty minutes at least

to dress that deer,

and I only had a
few calories left--Whoa.

and I was like I have to
get back to the cabin-

I cannot believe

that so many women are still
using the hashtag metoo.

Well yes.
-Oh you just noticed that.

Oh wow, that's interesting.

I mean, we're not talking
about a couple of women,

we're talking about millions.

There's a lot of
women on the planet.-Yeah that's kind of how
life is for a lot of the people-

[dramatic instrumental]Wait a minute,

that means that
almost every woman

has experienced harassment

because she's a woman.

That is incredible insight.-Wow, you really cracked
the case there.

We're going to tweet about this,
that's what we're going to do.

Jennifer:
Oh, okay, well.

You know, it's funny I never
thought about trying to change-

Think about changing anything.
-Yeah, he's sending a message.

[phone chiming]And fixed it.

[dramatic instrumental]

I was like Larry, he's just,
he's such a nice guy,

I just thought, oh,
he'll be more empathetic,

just, gosh, this is so
disappointing, you know,

when someone's privilege
stops them from understanding

the struggle that you've
been living with for years.

Yeah, no idea what that's like.-That must be really
hard for you.

You must be struggling.

Open your eyes, am I right?

See other people.

Yeah.
-Really.

Other people have different
experiences than you.-Right?

Exactly.

Imagine what it would
be like to be different.

Yeah, tell it, sis.
-Yeah. I can't, okay.

Yeah you can't.
-Great chats.

Husband:
Husband and wife.

Wife:
Yeah, can you put me down,

you're going to
smack on my elbows.

I'm carrying you
over the threshold.

I see the struggle
in your face.

I love you.
-I love you, you're so sweet.

Can we shut the door, don't-

I'll get it with
my foot and done.-I missed it. I missed.
I got it.

This is sexy, right?
-Just put me down.

Don't throw me on the bed!
Don't throw me on the bed!

Wife:
Oh, god!

Are you okay?

Go take your shoes off.
- Okay, I will.

Husband:
I'm going to get
so naked for you.

Wife:
I haven't seen that
in seven years.

Oh god, do I have
something in my nose?

Yeah.

Did I get it? Is it out?

Nope.
-Why is that taking so long?

It's double knotted.

Push on me.-You pull from the bottom,
and I'll push from the top.

It's almost there,

pull, pull, pull, pull,
pull, pull, pull!

Yes!
- Yes!

Okay, next one.

Rodney, I've got a
little treat for you.

What?
-What have you always wanted?

For you to be nicer?

Talking dirty.-Talking dirty,
that's what I want.

I'm nervous.

I love you.

Okay here we go, you're
my n-naughty husband.

Yeah.

And I'm gonna...

I have a lot of
pins in my hair.

Okay, Mom.

Oh there's so many in here.

He's here, say hello.

Hi.

Okay, Mom we're
trying to have sex,

okay, bye.

Ready for a little striptease?

Oh, yes I am.

Can you give me some beats?

And what do you feel like,
country or like-

Just, let's stop the strip
'til the pantyhose are off.

Can you help me?

I'm wearing Spanx,
don't look.

I've seen everything before.

I need to get out of the dress,
just help me with the dress.

Okay, huh, huh, huh.

I lost another nail.
- It's tighter-

I lost another nail.
-It's tighter than it looks.

It's coming I think.
-I feel like it is coming.

It's moving.

I love my wife, I love-

Oh love, I have to pee.
-Okay.

I'm still horny.

Husband:
Me too!

This is working.

I feel like we're close.
- Mhm.

Do you want to flip me over?

Yes, okay, oh, it's
one, two, three.

Oh my gosh, your Uncle Jeff
just gave us 300 dollars.

[gasps] Uncle Jeff, yes!

Yes. Nice!
Did you want a chip?

Yeah.

Read to me.

Read them out loud.

Okay. Just like, swallow your
chip before you start again.-Okay.

Your bond in marriage is a
precious gift from God, ew.

I love you.
-I love you.

You're my husband.
-And you're my wife.

[in funny voice] So exciting.
-You're so nice.

I just feel like it's
not going to happen.

Not going to happen tonight.
-No.

No.

[in unison] Thelma and Louise
road trip, woohoo!

Yes, okay, all right.
-Okay.

Bags packed, check.

Okay good, full
tank of gas, check.

Cooler full of beer, check.

Easy access snacks, check.

Feminine products, check.

Twizzlers for when
you get angry, check.

Vibrator, check.

Two pairs of sunglasses, check.

Mixed tape for later, check.

Back up music 'cause your
mixes are bad, check.

Fully charged cell phone, check.

Two chocolate puddings, check.

Flask for later, check.

Did we lock the house?
-Check.

Windows closed?
-Check.

Made the bed?
-Check.

Floor washed?
-Check.

Cat fed?
-Check.

Extra cat food in the bowl?
-Check.

GPS system.
-Check.

Sleeping bags in
the trunk, check.

Ask the neighbours to
pick up the mail, check.

Left an office reply on, check.

Joints for later.
[in unison] Check.

Do you want to just
hot box the car?-Hang out in the car?

Yeah let's hot box the car.

I mean, a road trip
would have been fun but-

I'm just going to
get these open and-

Let's just admit who we are.

Yeah. Exactly.

I'm just amazed that I
have to point it out.

I know, it is surprising.
-Yes.

But you'd be surprised
what comes across our-

Hi.
-Hello.

You wanted to see me?
-Yes Paula, please sit down.

Okay.

Linda:
So I have asked Calinda
from legal to join us.

Hello.

Am I in trouble?

Um...

It's about your scrunchie.

[scoffs] My scrunchie?

What were you thinking?

Paula:
I wasn't really thinking,
I mean, it's comfy.

Linda:
God, so is underwear
with shit stains on it,

we don't all wear
those to work-

I'm sorry.

Oh, oh okay, I think
I can clear this up.

Scrunchies are back in style.

Legally speaking scrunchies
were never in style.-Yeah, no.

Actually, they're
called hair clouds now.

[gagging]
-That's not helping.

Okay, listen Patty.
-Paula.

Paula, HR has received
a number of complaints,

and your

scrunchie is triggering
the rest of the office.-Yes.

Okay, the rest of the
office or just Linda,

'cause, you know, Linda's
triggered by a lot of stuff.

We are not free to discuss
or share who was triggered,

but rest assured more
than one person was.

It wasn't just Linda.
-It wasn't just Linda.

Okay, well I just
wonder how anyone,

including Linda,

could be triggered by this.

I mean, it's a piece of elastic
with fabric around it.

It's a peachy abomination!

Mon-i-ca.

I'm so sorry.

Calinda:
Okay, Penny.

Paula.
- Paula.

It's your level of judgement
that we're concerned about.-Yes.

I mean, today you're
wearing a scrunchie,

tomorrow you're wearing
a Von Dutch hat

and sweat pants with
writing on the butt.

I'm not a bad person.

Legally you are if you
have writing on your butt.

Linda:
Paula, I think you know
what has to happen now.

[sighs] Okay, I'm sorry

that my scrunchie was triggering
to people in the office.

Thank you.
-Stop it.

And I will remove it.

Thank you.
- Thank you.

That's it.

[sensual instrumental]

♪

Whoa your hair.

I'm sorry, it's incredible,
it's really something else.

Linda:
It's so good.

Calinda: It's so good.
-It's so good.

It's so very, very good.
-Can you just-can you just?

Yeah.
-Oh my oh my, hello!

Yes!

It's a lot to take in.

Paula:
Guys, you can have
this hair too,

it's actually the scrunchie.

I saw this Youtube tutorial,

if you put one in when
your hair is damp,

when you take it out,
it looks like this.

Calinda: Really?
-Yeah.

Oh another little
tip for ya,

when you're done,

if you put the scrunchie
on your wrist like this-

No, no!
-Ugh.

Good lord,

you look like a clown in a
sleeveless shirt, my eyes!

Linda:
It's not cool, you are fired,

you are fired.
-Really?

Yes.
-Yeah, get out of here.

Get out.

Calinda:
You need to take
that off your wrist

before the rest of
the office sees.

Linda is going to freak-

Ahhhhhhhh! Look at it.

Ahhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

It's like the devil's cervix!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

And now there's
just one more store

I'm not allowed to go into.

No at all.

Yeah, isn't that crazy?
-Mm.

Hey, are you okay?
-Hm?

Yeah, yeah I'm okay, I just,

I'm feeling like,
uh, just a bit hot,

is it hot in here?

No, I'm perfect.

Really? In that turtleneck?

I'm actually a little chilly.

Wow. Maybe I'm coming down
with something and I just, uh-

Maybe it's perimenopause.

[dramatic chords]
You think?

I don't know, is it?

I don't know, is it?
[suspenseful instrumental]

Uh...

No.
-No.

I still wear a jean jacket.
-Yeah.

I still drink out
of a mason jar.

But you're hot for no reason,
so is it?

Is it?
-Is it?

No.

Maybe?

Fuck.

Have you read this?

Ah, I don't know,
I, I can't remember.

You can't remember?

It's a whole book, how can you
not remember reading a book?

Oh, unless it's
perimenopause, is it?

No, is it?

I mean, it can't be.
-No it can't be-

But is it?
-Is it?

I don't know, I-I
still get acne. I-

Yeah.
-I have a snowboard.

It can't be.

No.
-There's no way.

No it's not.

[in unison] Is it?

[lively instrumental]

Hey.
-Hi.

Oh, those are super
cute sunglasses.

Are they?
-Yeah they are really-

Ah! Jesus!

Well I don't even
know why I did that.

Sorry.

Oh, is it perimenopause?

No.

[in unison] Is it?

Is it perimenopause?

I don't know.

Do you have more underarm hair?

My armpit hair got
a lot thicker.

Or was that on my chin?

Oh god.

Is it perimenopause?

I don't know.

Well you should know,
you're my mother.

I think it is.

It is?
-Is it?

I'm the baby of
the family though.

You are?
-Am I?

Oh, sweetie.

Mommy.

Have you talked to a doctor?

I can't sleep.

I-I'm hot all the time.

My moods are up and down.

I like, burst into tears
for absolutely no reason,

like is it, um, is
it perimenopause?

Oh, I don't know, is it?

What do you mean? You're-

you're my doctor. What-

Oh it could be,

there's not really
much research.

I mean, who really cares, right?

But the one thing
we do know is

that it can last
up to ten years.

Ten years?

Or more.

What?

Or less.

I don't know what
else to tell ya.

I-I don't know,

how 'bout like maybe
you just tell me

what's going on with my body,

like, anything, is that-is that
too unreasonable a request?

Yes, it is, definitely.

Hello everybody.

Welcome, very excited
to have you here.

Ah, yes, before we dive in,

the creative writing faculty

has asked me to clear up a
pressing issue from last term.

Due to a frankly

unbelievable surplus we
will no longer be accepting

short stories about
any of the following:

divorce, ships,

wealthy young people suffering
from unexplained malaise,

extramarital affairs,

Joseph Campbell as
his own narrator,

the concept of time

as it relates to being
a bored male poet,

anachronistically working
in a video rental store,

being a writer,

loveless marriage,

or grad school.

Okay?

[murmuring]

You can of course, you know,
write about any other subject.

The world's your oyster.

Nobody has any short stories

about literally any
other subject?

Great.

Yes?
- Hi, um,

does that also include
stories of couples

staving off divorce
when non-monogamy?

100% yes

Student:
Oh.

'Cause there's-there's
nothing else,

no other genres?

Didn't realize
that was such a,

you know, try sci-fi,

people poo-poo it,
but it's pretty exciting.

I've written a collection
of short stories.

But nobody's read that.

Okay, let's shake it off,

here's a fun game
I love to play.

Okay. All right.
-Okay.

You can tell what people
are binge watching

by what they're wearing.

Oh, interesting.
-Check it out.

Okay, Nicole from HR,
Game of Thrones.

Denise:
Yes, winter is coming.

Carolyn:
Elise from accounting,
Handmaid's Tale.

Hm, possibly.

Delaney from shipping
and receiving,

Orange is the New Black.

That's fabulous.

Alexia from marketing up there,

Grey's Anatomy.

People still watch that?

Apparently, yeah.
-Huh, okay.

And, uh, Tara just
behind that bush,

Planet Earth.

Denise:
Oh that's good.
Yeah, wow.

I've never seen that show.

Um-
-Don't make eye contact.

[growling]

She's got meat in her mouth.
-No, stop looking at her.

I can't stop looking.

Denise, honestly,
stop looking at her.

I can't though

because she's got the meat
hanging out of her mouth.

Carolyn:
What are you doing?
Avert your eyes.

I can't look away.
I can't!

Denise, I said avert your eyes!
- I can't I just-

[growling]
Ah!! Ah!!

Oh my god.
Oh my god!

This usually calms her down,

there you go, that
calms her down.

That calms her down.
Denise: Usually?

Carolyn:
Yeah, there you go.

And I didn't think I'd want
to see Come From Away,

but it was really good.

Muriel:
I thought it was so great.

I know, I just thought
what is it the grammar,

I don't understand.

What does come from away mean?

I never go to see live theatre-

Oh, uh oh. Oh, I think
they want us to go.

Carolyn:
What, really?

Oh, I'm sorry did you-

Did you want us to, um,

did you want us to leave?

Oh we're closing up so...

But no rush but-

Oh okay.
-We'll be closing up.

Okay, thank you.

So?

She said, no rush, it's fine.

Anyway, it was shocking to me
that somebody wouldn't even-

Okay, okay that's the music.

[Stutters] That's a hint,
they want us to get going,

so let's settle up,
let's settle up.

No, you're being paranoid,
we're having fun, come on.

Excuse me,

my friend thinks you're trying
to rush us out of here.

Really I-I don't know what
would give you that idea.

Carolyn:
That's so silly.

Do you think I could have a
peek at the dessert menu?

You want me to ask the kitchen

if they're doing dessert
at one in the morning?

Just want to take a peek at
the menu. I mean I don't-

So I'll go.

Just a boo,
just a quick boo,

I want to take a quick boo.

I mean, I did want
another glass of wine,

but I'll have dessert
and I'll move onto tea,

maybe a chamomile.

What?

No dessert, let's finish
our drinks and then go.

No, we're having so much fun.
[vacuum whirring]

Muriel:
Come on, they don't
want us here.

No, of course they do,

it's the service industry,

they're here to serve us.

That feels unequal.
- Does it?

And kind of classist frankly.

Classist, who are you?

The kitchen couldn't
provide a dessert menu,

but I found this
perfectly good cake

that they were
about to throw out,

so I saved it for the two
of you, free of charge.

Oh, thank you.

Server:
There you go.

Carolyn:
Wow.

Okay, read that.

It's a joke, Muriel!

It's a joke,

look she brought it over, this
is what kitchen people do.

It's not a joke.

Look, this is funny,
this is funny.

I love it.
-I think you're putting-

We're going to give
them a good 15%, okay?

I, listen, I'm so sorry, if
there's anything we can do.

I just, what's happening?

Uh oh.

Oh my god, it's like
a Greek wedding.

Oh put me down, put me down,
put me down.

Carolyn:
They're just vacuuming.

Okay, you know what?

[Stutters] I am so sorry,
I'm not like her.

I was you. I was you, honestly
I did this job. I'm sorry.

Take everything I have,
just-just take-take-

What? Oh. Woohoo!

I'm just gonna leave
that there for you.

Oh this is fun,
I love this place.

Do you make an Irish coffee?

Actually, I'd love a tiramisu
or like a dolce de leche.

This is fun, oh,
you missed a spot.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Carolyn:
Is it Jethro Tull
or Jethro Tool?

Do you guys know a
guy named Paul Adams?

Paul Adams.
-Yeah, why?

Oh god, what did he do?

Oh was it bad?

Oh no, how bad was it?

Like was it getting
fired from his job bad,

or like don't talk to him
at parties anymore bad?

Jennifer:
Oh, like deleting
him on Facebook bad,

or blocking him
on Facebook bad?

Carolyn:
Was it like warn your
friends quietly bad,

or like denounce him
in a public statement?

Oh my god!

I went on two dates with
him back in the day.

I had no idea.

You just can't
tell these days,

you just never know.

No, it's like every day
is a fresh nightmare.

What is going on with men?

Guys, wow, chill.

I just was wondering

if you've rented his
cottage out in the summer.

[in unison] Ooh.

Yeah, he does.
-Oh that's fantastic.

I mean, I'd never go there
alone with everybody.

Oh no no no.
-My god, no.

No. No.

[soft lively music]

Oh fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, oh fuck it, ow, fuck.

Just, ah fuuuuck!

Arrgggh, fuck.

Ah, fuck!

What the fuck?

Ah fuck.

Oh, fuuuck.

Ow! Fuckety fuck fuck.
-Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Fuuuuuuck!

[boom]

Shit.

Oh.

Yeah.

[suspenseful instrumental]
[dispatch chatter]

You pulled me out of my
kid's dance recital,

this better be worth it.

It is, but I got to warn
you it's, uh, messy.

Forensics called in
their spatter expert.

[sighs] Alright.
-Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

Ugh, my god.

What kind of monster
would do this?

[dramatic chords]

Spatter Expert:
Judging by the angle

and the spray of the pattern,

who Jackson Pollock'd all
over the toilet seat,

did a low squat.

The perp had
to go real bad

and didn't care about
the next person

that had to use the stall.

Is there any chance it's spray
back from the toilet flush?

[chuckles] Well,

that's what the
victim's hoping.

It was pee.

I sat in a stranger's pee.
[sobbing]

Alright, what do you think?

Does this match
the other scenes?

Fits the profile.

So we're dealing with a
serial pisser, damn it.

Alright, what's the profile
on the perp so far?

Female, 15-65,
probably white,

definitely entitled,

strong thighs, poor aim,

powerful stream,

and I'd say judging by
the colour of the pee,

slightly dehydrated.

Well in this city that
could be anybody.

The good news is she's a
creature of habit, so-

She'll be back.
-Mhm.

Nice work, PSI.

There we go, we're doing
really well at that.

Alright let's go!

[suspenseful instrumental]

Got a 20 on a
possible suspect.

Feet up everyone.
Feet up!

Captain:
We've got our sights on her.

She's in.

[streaming pee]
[suspenseful music]

[toilet flushing]

Go go go go.

[suspenseful instrumental]

What's all this?

Det. Hardcrack:
Well well well.

What?

Your days of pissing on
toilet seats are over.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Toilet seats are filled
with disease, what is it?

Who are these people?

Ah, you monster!

Put down paper or at least
wipe up after yourself!

You know, no one ever died
from sitting on a toilet seat,

nobody ever died!

Captain:
Hey hey, forget it Hardcrack,

where she's going,

none of the toilets have seats.

Are you serious? I'm
going to jail for this?

Let's move out!-Yeah but where are
you taking me?

Good work.

Do you know how many privacy
laws you've just broken?