All language subtitles for Baroness.Von.Sketch.Show.S04E02_English

This is like the
caviar of fruit.

You know,

when I think back
to my twenties

I wish I knew then
what I know now.

Oh tell me about it.
-Right.

Yeah, I totally regret
not using sunscreen.

Oh, I know, me too.

I was out in the sun all
the time, didn't care.

No, me neither.

Totally, if I have one regret,

it's-it's really that

I didn't buy a house in this
city when they were affordable.

Mm, yeah.

How could you have
known though, I mean.

Aurora:
My biggest regret

is not taking that trip
to Asia in my twenties

and I'll never get
that time again.

Totally, totally.

Mm, what about you Lisa,

do you have any life regrets?

Um, yeah like, not saving
more for retirement,

that's a big one.

I should have started
saving earlier.

I should start now.

It's never too late.

Anything else? A...

Driving a stick shift.

That's it.

["Dancing Underwater"
by Brave Shores]

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch, ♪

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ♪

♪ Get fancy ♪

♪ Hey Hey

♪ There's no clouds
its just the sun ♪

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath
a little longer ♪

♪ Let's go dancing underwater

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh

[fun uptempo instrumental]

Woman:
Oh hey, Sam! Congratulations.

Oh my gosh you look fantastic.

Your skin, it looks amazing.

Thanks. I'm eating
my own placenta.

Oh good.

Man:
Hey Sam, looking good,
new hairdo?

Sam:
No, just eating my placenta.

It's filled with oxytocin and
it boosts my immune system.

Oh, okay. Carry on.

Hold up, woman filled with
placenta coming through.

Careful.

There you go.

Thanks.
-You're welcome.

Hey, do you have the time?

It's 11:28.

Come on sweetie.

How did she...?

[speaking in French]

Back up! Back up!

I'll kill him.

Out of my way,

I'm eating my placenta.

Hey!

Go, go, I'm filled
with nutrients!

[cheering]

Mommy, one day can
I eat my placenta?

No, Billy,

it's just for girls.

[applause]

Because a woman should
be filled with courage,

determination, fight,

and about 250 milligrams of
sweet potassium filled placenta!

[clapping and cheering]

Doctor:
Here you go!

Congratulations.

Yeah, so cute.

[sniffing and growling]

Ahhhh, give me that!

Woman:
What are you doing?

I need this! Ahhhhh!

She's getting away!

There's nothing we
can do to stop her,

she's been eating
her own placenta.

Well she could
have just asked,

I mean, I wasn't
going to eat it.

Do-do people do that?

Sam:
Ah!!!!!!

Like a gross tiger.

She's mowing down on that.

Woman 1:
[sighs] Um...

Woman 2:
Oh, sorry, is this your seat?

Yeah.
- Oh.

Woman 1:
Ah listen, I hope
this isn't rude,

but you're not one
of those people

who take their shoes off
during a flight, are you?

Oh god no.

Woman 2:
Oh, 'kay, thank goodness.

[chuckling]

Oh, uh-

Just my shirt.

Um.

You ever try one of
these facial masks?

Oh, no, they make
me feel trapped.

Excuse me,

you don't happen to have a
podcast about skincare, do you?

I do.
-Oh my god, I'm a huge fan.

That's so kind,
thank you.

I have a podcast too.

I mean, if you want to,

I'd love to have you on,

we could have a
crossover episode.

Oh, what's it about?

Woman:
Podcasts,

it's a podcast about podcasts.

Okay well, get in touch.

I'm gonna.

Okay, yes.
-Okay, yes!

Bye.
-Bye.

Everyone and their cat seems
to have a podcast these days.

Um, no Cheryl,

I still think it's a pretty
special and cool thing actually.

Do you need a plastic bag?
- No thank you.

Okay, there you go,
and here's your change.

Thank you.
-Have a nice day.

[lively instrumental]

Welcome to another episode of,

"Waiting To Check Out"
with me, Trudy Michaels".

This episode as always,
sponsored by Squarespace.

[lively instrumental]

So, uh, I've been thinking

everybody has a story,

we're all just
thin-skinned people

walking around in our
fragile little planet

and everyone needs security.

You're listening to,

"Through the Automated Door"

with me,
Doug Spence.

Is it too much to ask for
full-time hours and benefits?

Is it too much to compliment me
once or twice on my uniform?

Is it too much to ask

that you're not
stared at creepily

by the security guard
during your shift?

Hi, it's me.

This is "Waiting To Check Out",

and waiting to stop
being checked out,

with Trudy Michaels.

Sorry.

Woman 1:
Okay, well Stephanie,

good news, you
have been approved

for a $741,000 mortgage,

congratulations.
-Thanks.

We just have to go through
some of the paperwork here.

Um, what is your
date of birth?

May 13th.
-Oh May 13th, me too!

We're the same same,
oh that's so fun.

What year?

1998.

Oh, fuck you!

I'm sorry, sorry about that.

Um, I assume you'll be, um,

co-signing with a parent then?

No.

What in the fucking
sweet fuck?

No, just-just fuck off.

Before we go in, uh,

I think we just need to
set a few ground rules.

Ground rules for your
high school reunion?

Look, all I want
is to go in there

and know that I'm aging
better than my enemies

and then leave, okay?
-Fair.

-Uh huh.And I love you, but
you are a blurter.

Ah yes, you have a
tendency to blurt,

and so whatever
happens in there,

I just want you to save
it for the car, okay?

What am I going to say?

Well remember when you
asked my Aunt Ruth

if she was participating
in Movember?

Okay, you're right,

I will save it for the car.

Thank you.
Save it for the car.

Also, I am a neurosurgeon.

Hello doctor.
- Yeah.

And here you go.
- Thank you.

Wow, these are really fancy.

I flew to Norway

and I studied with a level 5
Master of Calligraphy.

Oh, level 5 that's-

[speaking through teeth]
Save it for the car.

[speaking Norwegian]

That means have a fun
night in Norwegian.

So cool.
-Well you too.

Mandy:
Now we're here and
next thing you know-

And-and now we live
on a houseboat.

Houseboat. [chuckling]

Oh.

Greatest decision
we ever made.

Isn't that right, Daddy?

Yes, Mother.
[sniffs]

Save it for the car.

[gurgling]

Actually she's an
emotional support animal,

so I can just take her
anywhere, you know,

to the grocery store,

the farmer's market-

Wow, you're a real
Daenerys Targ-

Oh hang on, sorry.
[vibrating]

Verna:
Gosh, the money I've saved in
therapy I could buy another-

Chickens, we built a habit
for them in our yard.

Dorothy:
We have seven of them now,

all of them named after
famous Canadian authors.

Wow, I bet there's a little
Margaret Atwood running around.

No, Peggy wears a diaper
and-and lives in the house.

Okay, can I just say...ve
it for the car.

You would have loved him.
-Oh yeah?

Oh he was-
-Oh yeah, Stanky was a legend.

He was.

I'm having so much
fun with you guys,

like should we maybe
do this another time?

I would love that.

Yes, let's do it.
-Yeah, cool.

Okay, great.
-Okay, I'll give you my email,

I think that's the best
way to get in touch.

I'll put it in my phone hang on.
-Oh thanks, sweetie.

Babe, eat your meatballs.
-Oh no, not right-

Emily:
Eat your meatballs, babe.

Todd:
I don't want to
eat my meatballs.

I'm the little little
choo choo train

for you to eat your
meatballs, chugga chugga.

Waaah, choo choo!

Let's go to the station
one more time,

Chugga chugga chugga.-Ya got to make it
through the tunnel.

It's going to be a tight tunnel.
-Tight tunnel!

Emily:
I can do it, whoa!

Put your lights on, ohhhh!

Paula:
Oh, you know what?

I think you left your
phone in the car,

and I should probably come
with you and help you find it.

Oh, oh yes, let's
go to the car!

Let's go to the car!

For the phone.

For the phone, we're
going to go to the car,

We'll be right back.
-Just going to go to the car.

Does she seem a little
controlling of him?

Shh, hun,

save it for the car.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

[sombre instrumental]

Laura:
And all our tomorrows

bound together
with yesterdays.

Woman:
Thank you.

Thank you, Laura.

Thank you all for
coming today.

Uh. we will have a moment
of silence now for John,

and then afterwards I
hope that everybody

joins us for a
reception at the house.

Ah, just in case you
didn't get the invite,

it's 136 West Street North,

you just take the road
out of the parking lot

and turn left,

and then it's up at the top of
the hill where the lights are,

it's just the
first house there.

Also because it's October,

you can't actually park
on the street anymore,

so you have to go around
the corner to Brant Street

because they have a lot of
parking there and a lot of space

and they never
ticket on weekends.

Um, actually, uh,

there is an apartment
building across the street

and they have guest parking.

I'm pretty sure that they
would be okay if we parked.

Yes, they're very
kind and, uh,

through this whole thing they've
been good with the parking,

so you're probably good for
the whole afternoon if-if you,

if you go in there.

And they have a bike rack.

So.
-So.

We'd love to hear this pitch
idea you have for a new show.

Oh I'm sure you do
'cause I have looked

and there is nothing
on your network,

or any other children's
network like this,

so ladies please,
get ready,

I'm actually
worried about you.

Just strap yourselves in.

I want you to grab
that seat belt

and give it a big old click.

Now look at me.

Now look at this,
what do we got?

Well I'm going to
show you, it's-

Slugz!

Um.

We got the boys.

We got Dylan,
we got Zane,

they're cool,
they're sporty,

they always got a one
liner up their sleeves.

I'm full of jokes and I'm
hanging out in a skate park,

you know how it is.

Oh yeah, now let's
just see the girls.

We've got Sonya.
We've got Tonya.

We've got Brittany.

And you know what
they're doing?

They're always
hahahahahahahahahaha,

they're just laughing,

laughing so much at
the boys' jokes.

I am Sonya and I
love lipstick.

Well I am Tonya and I
only care about boys.

And fuck you bitches,
I'm Brittany,

and I talk about you
behind your back.

Boom!

Now I just-I just noticed
that all the girls

they're wearing makeup
and-and high heels.

How old are these slugz?

No, you are-you
are a total Tonya,

they're eight.

I'm wondering about
their outfits.

I noticed that they're
wearing brassieres,

there's a corset I see,

but I'm not seeing
a lot of shirts.

All these little babies,

they're little
itty bitty skirts.

I mean, that is what is
genius about this show

because the kids love it,

and there's something home
for daddy who's watching.

There's something for daddy?

These skirts, they're
waving in the wind

and they give a
little flutter,

yeah, just a tiny
little flutter,

and then it's like, oooh is
there going to be a peek?

Is there going to be a peek?
Is there going to be a peek?

oh yeah, something for daddy,
something for daddy,

something for daddy,
something for daddy,

something for daddy,
something for daddy,

something for daddy!

I, uh, I don't think men want
to sleep with pre-teen slugz.

Oh well, someone
hasn't been to Reddit.

You are sitting on a goddamn
goldmine here, ladies.

Woman:
I just have to say
you're absolutely right,

there's nothing like
this on our network,

and frankly there
never will be. So-

She's smart, she's got glasses,
like who?

Oh, hi Tonya, is
that you? Maybe.

No, it's not me.

Thank you for saying no.

It just makes me stronger.

It also makes me want to
go to another network,

and kick your asses.

Big mistake!

Big mistake!

[sobbing]

You know, I thought it
was a strong pitch,

I'm surprised you passed.

Oh don't worry, we're
going to steal the idea.

We'll take the snails and we'll
turn them into jellyfish,

but we'll spell it with
a PH instead of an F

so it sounds cool,

and then the tentacles,

those will act like
a natural skirt,

so when the water comes,
it rises up, you know,

something for daddy,

something for daddy,
you know.

Something for daddy,
I love it.

Ticka ticka ticka ticka ticky.

[humming]

Oh, I'm so sorry.
-I'm so sorry. I-

Denise?

Hilary?

Is that you?

My god, you haven't
changed a bit.

Denise, you look
exactly the same.

I am not kidding.

I am not kidding at all,
I'm serious-

Oh, stop it.

Hilary:
What'd you do, just
step out of first year?

My god, you look
like you looked

when we met at frosh week.

I know, let's
shotgun a cooler,

take a hit of acid and
go to English Lit.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh my god.

Oh I love it!
How's Moynan?

Oh she's great.
How's Gary?

He's gay but, you know,
that works for both of us.

I bet it does.

It certainly does.

Denise:
You just look great,

you haven't changed a bit.

Thank you,
you haven't either.

Oh, it's just a good
night's sleep, you know.

And that's all you need?
-That's all you need.

This is all organic,

no chemicals up in
this bitch, you know.

Some people have
to but I don't,

it's all natural.

Are you a vampire 'cause
I swear you look 17.

[hysterical laughter]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow it's just
something in my-

My lip tore.

I got sorry, okay.

[bubbling]

Alright, what do you
got for me internuts?

Celebrity beach fails,
ooh that's a dad bod.

[coughing]

[phone ringing]

911 Operator:
911, what's the nature
of your emergency?

[coughing and breathing heavily]

911 Operator:
An ambulance will be
there in five minutes.

[sputtering and coughing]

[sputtering] Oh fuck!

[uptempo instrumental]

[coughing]

Ugh.

[coughing and sputtering]

911 Operator:
Ma'am, I'm gonna hang up now.

The ambulance is moments away.

[coughing]
[lively instrumental]

Aahhhh?

[coughing]
[lively instrumental]

[sputtering]

[gasping]

[heavy breathing]

Oh.

[bubbling]

Oh.

[phone ringing]

Yes hello, I would
like to report

a suspicious transaction
on my credit card.

Yes, um, ten thousand dollars
to Doctors For Relief and Aid.

[sirens]Yes, I think my
credit card was stolen.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

The couple has written
their own vows,

which they will now exchange.

Here.

Today, I'm truly blessed.

My love, you are my world,

my heart,
my everything.

You're not only the man I've
fallen deeply in love with,

but you're also my best friend
and I'm so lucky that we get-

What the fuck?

Now he's your best friend?

How long have you
known him for?

Like six friggin' months?

Well I, we're just-

I have put in 20 years
emotional hard labour, huh!

[sighs]

I have been there little Miss
haaaa for all of your break ups.

I was there for
her first period.

That's right, I helped
her put the pad in,

with the wings,

fold them 'round while
she's sitting there.

I was there for your
first marriage.

Wait, what?

Oh.

Maid of Honour:
Yeah that's right,
fuck this, I'm out.

Oh.
-This is bullshit.

Enjoy your new bestie,
ya dick!

[crowd gasps]
Jesus.

I Judy Bloom'd with you.

You were a vegan!

Oh, we still good, right?

Yeah man, we're solid.

Ahh.
[lively instrumental]

What a gorgeous day.

Ahhh.

Hey friends.

♪ Here I sit upon my bike

♪ I'm feeling good
and I'm feeling right

♪ I pedal once

♪ I pedal twice

♪ I've got some momentum
and that feels nice.

♪ I'm moving, grooving
down the street

♪ Hey there teens,
check out this beat ♪

[bike bell ringing rhythmically]

♪ Here's my helmet,
and my bell

♪ When I want to turn
I do a hand signal.

♪ This means left,
this means right

♪ This means stop
and this means ♪

Whooooooaaaaaaa, ahhhh!

I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'm okay.

Don't worry, I'm okay.

Oh god. Oh god.

[laughing]

Meredith:
Ow. Ow.

Ow ow.

I can't stand these heels.

I'm going to get blisters
on my blisters, oh god.

Oh.
-You think that's bad.

Listen to this,

Halloween 2017,

I went as a sexy pirate.

Oh yeah.

I got these thigh high boots,

and they cut up
my ankles so bad

that now when I
get a pedicure,

the lady asks me if
I've had surgery.

Ohhhhhhh.

Aurora:
I got one just like
it on the other leg.

[laughing]

Okay, all right.

You want to see something.
-Maybe.

Yeah. All right.

This, my friends,

is where every single
necklace I've ever owned

got tangled and
ripped the hair

right out of my neck.

[gasping in unison]

Yeah, hair's never grown back.

[chuckling]

Never.

I got y'all beat.

It was my third date with
this guy that I really liked,

and I thought
tonight's the night.

So I went out and bought
myself a cute new bra.

An hour into
wearing the thing

the underwire was digging
so deep into my tit,

I thought I was
going to die.

By the end of the night the cup
was so filled with my own blood,

I didn't want to
take off my coat,

let alone my shirt.

Mood killer.

I never saw the guy again.

Oh your poor tit.

That all sounds
really painful,

but I tell you what,

the biggest scar I have,

is right here.

Aw.
-Heartbreak.

No, this is when some chick
stabbed me in a boxing day sale

and we both reached for
the same pair of boots.

[in unison] Ooooohhhh!

Yeah, how do you like that?!

Ooooh.
Meredith: Bam.

Shit.

That's a really cute bra.

Thank you so much.
-It's real nice.

I feel like it really
takes away from this.

Yeah.

I also lost my clitoris when
I put my thong on backwards

and did The Worm.

Did you want to see?

[in unison] Yes.