Original subtitles

- [singing] 'Cause no one's wicked

And no one's cursed

Downloaded from YTS.MX

It's all run by design

And they're all drunk drinking sweet hot wine

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Bad medicine nights

[chatter]

[rock music]

[laughing]

- Uh, so I'm writing and writing and writing,

and what have I got?

Nothing. - [laughs]

- Zero. It's crap.

Everything? - It's all complete shit.

- So you're in a little funk.

It took Stanley Kubrick ten years between films.

- Didn't they used to have unsalted nuts?

- Prolific shit in school, now nothing.

- Eat this. - Why?

- Just eat it.

- There's too much structure. - What?

- Structure, there's too much structure in my life.

- Well. - Well, what?

- I'm confused.

- In school, life was extremely chaotic.

- They're saltier now, aren't they?

- Would you shut up about the fucking peanuts?

Who cares?

You're the only one who eats them anyway.

- I was always moving from class to rehearsal to Beth's

to the Writer's Den, back to Beth's.

Constantly in motion. - It's saltier now.

♪

- What happened to your shirt?

- They're out of toilet paper.

- Jesus.

- So, wait a minute,

you auditioned for "The Wizard of Oz"?

- What's the part? [laughter]

- One of the menacing trees in the forest.

- Wow. - Any lines?

- Well, that depends on the tree.

If I'm Tree number one,

I have two lines that scare the Cowardly Lion.

- Ooh.

- But if I'm tree number two or three,

I just have to stand there looking mean and ugly.

- Oh. Beware of typecasting.

- [laughs] That's funny.

Where do you think you're crashing tonight?

- Ooh. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[laughter] - It may sound obvious,

but in college,

your peers, your classes, your major, all of it,

the entire experience figures prominently

into what you are going to be doing

for the rest of your life. - Not so obvious.

I mean, I dueled in engineering and women's studies,

and as we all know, I'm doing nothing with my life, so...

- You still can't play the guitar? - Nah.

- Carpal tunnel? - Yeah.

- Is that getting any better? - Oh, yeah.

- How long's it been since you played?

- What's today? Saturday?

- It's Wednesday. - Oh.

- [chuckles] - Dillweed.

- Three months, two weeks, five days.

Day before I graduated.

- [burps] [sighs]

[groans] You got class tomorrow?

- Yeah, unfortunately. You?

- Eh, just my seminar.

- Still can't believe anybody

would let you teach a class full of freshmen chicks.

- I told you, every grad student's

gotta teach a freshmen seminar.

- Still causing you all those problems?

- It's getting worse, uh...

Every time one of the cute ones makes a comment,

I start sweating and getting excited.

- [laughing]

You going my way?

- Ugh, I don't think so.

- Going to get laid?

[laughs] Hey, I'll see you guys.

- [grunts] - See you tomorrow!

[warm music]

[alarm rings]

[warm music]

- [singing] Stick it down, where it won't get stuck

I'll pick it up so it can give you luck

Take a lick, it's so sweet

Break it up when you want a piece of me

Dance like a pretty girl

Twirl on this table

Crowds with my stick horse

I can almost smell the wild

Grass

- Uh, who's this one?

Mrs. Moskahowitz.

- Uh, good afternoon, Mrs. Moskahowitz!

I'm Randy... - Oh, it's... it's Moskowitz.

- I have it as Moskahowitz. - We have it as Moskahowitz!

- I'm pretty sure it's Moskowitz.

Don't you have my headshot? - Yes, of course!

Where's her headshot? - Eh, I'm looking.

- I thought you kept those things in order.

- I did.

- Then where is it? - I don't know.

Oh, here it is. - Yes!

Rebecca Moskowitz!

Hmm, that's Jewish, huh? - I think so.

- Strange, she has an exotic kind of foreign thing.

Make a note, "exotic, dark, Jewish."

Yes! Whenever you're ready.

- Oh, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!

Th' courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

The expectancy and rose of the fair state.

- Oh, she looks awfully big up there. - The glass of fashion...

- How tall does it say she is?

- Where? - On her sheet there, if I may.

- Th' observed of all observ... - Excuse me!

Uh, excuse me, miss.

- Yes? - Uh, how tall are you?

- About 5'8". - Really?

Hmm. Okay, all right, thank you.

She just looks too damn tall.

- The expectancy... - I said thank you, not continue!

What is going on today? Is it me?

- Should I write too big? - Just put her in the no pile.

Oh, Jesus, look at this one.

- I don't know, Jay. It's becoming all too clear

this is not an entirely talent-based industry.

- Good.

You got a shot!

- Either I'm too tall, or my hair is too long or short,

or my butt's too big. I've heard that one by the way.

- You're joking.

- Just stop it. - All right.

Rebecca, you got a terrific ass.

You're in my top ten list of the graduating class.

- Yeah, well some casting director

thought it was too big. - [laughs]

- Oh, I'm glad this is funny to you.

- I'm sorry. [laughs]

- Jay, stop it!

- [stammering] I'm sorry, I was just thinking.

- What? - Nothing.

I was thinking about the play you were in

at beginning of freshmen year.

You, um, were playing the angry mistress.

- Yeah, what about it?

- Well, it was the first production

that I saw at school.

I don't remember much

about the first two acts except that, um...

They sucked. - [laughs]

- In the third act, you're finally introduced

to the lead guy's mistress. Something... something happened.

The whole theater came alive.

All eyes were fixed on this funny,

charming, furious character.

You were only on stage for ten minutes,

but it's the only ten minutes that anybody remembers.

- Thanks.

- You wanna buy me lunch? - [laughs]

I gotta be at the bookstore in half an hour.

- Uh, you wanna give me money for lunch?

[bell tolling]

- I'll see you later.

[thumping]

[thumping]

[thumping]

[thumping]

[thumping]

[loud knocking]

- Hey asshole, give me a break!

- Sorry, Mr. Flannigan!

[hammering]

- Darrin, my office. Now!

- I finally got a chance to read your plays

"Pot of Gold," "Just for Fun."

Good. Really, really good.

- Really? - Absolutely delicious.

Barney's has the best pastrami around.

It's lean, extra seasoning, thin cut.

Mmm.

Mmm! - Uh, you read my plays?

- Oh! Yes.

Well, I'll tell you, I wanna be frank.

"Pot of Gold" is okay, but it doesn't have any edge.

You know, nowadays,

if you don't have any edge you forget about it.

However, now on the other hand,

now "Just for Fun", now that's got... that's got edge.

You know, I'd even go so far as to say it's, uh...

Edgy.

So I tell you what I'm gonna do. This afternoon,

I'm gonna run over to a friend of mine, George Perry.

He produces a lot of, um, off-Broadway

and off-off-Broadway. He's a good friend of mine.

[sniffs] Yes.

You want some potato salad? - Uh, no thanks.

- It's very good.

[hopeful music]

- That's not what I'm saying, sweetheart.

I know it's frustrating.

Well, I can't go anywhere

until I hear from that producer, so...

I know.

I miss you too.

Okay. Good-bye.

[phone beeps]

[sighs]

Beth's receiving an award this weekend

for some psych research project she started.

She wants me to fly down. - And?

- And what if that producer calls?

I should probably be here... - Darrin, that's bullshit,

and you know it. [laughs]

Come on, you know if he calls and you're not here,

I mean, it's not like he's not gonna produce

your play anymore.

- I know.

It's just that flying to Atlanta's such a pain in the ass.

Not to mention the airfare.

- I'm sure Daddy would pay for it.

[antsy acoustic guitar music]

Sorry.

- Welles was the original.

Each angle, each setup,

had a distinct and definitive purpose.

He was a visually brilliant man

who always knew where to place the camera.

Your own films will benefit a great deal

when you understand that camera placement

should never be arbitrary

but predetermined with precise motivation and intention.

As you begin to understand the essence of his work,

you'll begin to understand the essence of filmmaking.

- Jesus, he made the same speech last week.

- Word for word.

- Now, you'll be watching "Citizen Kane"

in your lab tomorrow. - [softly] Fuck.

- This time I want you to focus on how Welles uses each angle

to further the dramatic action of the text.

All right. Thank you.

- Can you believe we're watching that thing again?

I don't even think Welles liked it this much.

- It's a masterpiece.

There's so much to be learned from it.

Welles was a genius, you retard.

- What is going on with you and Mickey?

- Why is everybody making such a big deal out of this?

It's just breakup sex.

Breakup sex is the best.

- Look, I'm no expert,

but I just thought breakup sex

was something you had once or twice,

not three times a week for six months.

It just doesn't seem healthy.

I mean, as long as you can get in anytime you want,

nobody else stands a chance.

- Well, I don't know if you've been paying attention, Darrin,

but since we moved here,

nobody else has been asking for a chance.

- I find that hard to believe.

A beautiful young woman in New York.

[melancholic music]

- [singing] Where when you run

do you go?

Stare outside my window

and sometimes I think I can see you

Coming up that dusty road

I leave footprints of sky

- You know what I love about Cybill Shepherd in that movie?

- She shows her boobies?

- Jesus, Nathan, you really need to get laid, man.

- I know. - No, I mean, like, today.

- I know. I'm sorry.

- It's the way that her character

learns at the pool party that she wields

this incredible power over men because of her beauty.

I mean, Timothy Bottoms knows she's just gonna break his heart.

He saw what she did to Jeff Bridges.

Still, she's just,

so incredibly beautiful, he...

He doesn't care. Falls for her anyway.

- Yeah.

At least he was banging that older broad.

[bluesy music]

Mick.

- [singing] Yeah, I'm looking for you, mama

Looking for you, baby

Yes, mama, yeah, I'm looking for you

Look for me, mama

'Cause your

Daddy's coming home

To you

Yeah. [applause]

Ha ha. I'll be back in 15 minutes.

[sighs]

[country music]

- Hey, Teddy! - [laughs]

I'll be damned. Smooth Jaybird Green.

What the hell you doing in this joint?

- I came to watch you play, man.

- Bullshit... I thought you were in Philadelphia.

- Aw, no, no. I'm done, man.

Diploma's on the wall. - Eh, took you long enough.

- Yeah. - Hmm.

- So hey, um, you going to Summerfest this year?

- Damn right.

I been going there for 30 years.

Lately is the only chance I get to play with Smoke and Rickey.

And you too, man.

I'm looking forward to hooking up with you too.

- [chuckles]

Still holding on to that old suitcase, huh?

- Yeah, everything I need is in that case.

And this one too.

You know what?

I got that old Strat in the back.

What do you say we tune it up and take this joint for a ride?

- Yeah, hey, you know I would, but, um,

[stammering] I got a gig across town

in, like, an hour, um... I'm playing bass for Greggy,

and uh... and this other guy from school.

- Mmm.

- Hey, man, it was good seeing you again.

- Take care of yourself, Jaybird.

- [chuckles]

- Hmm.

[repeated thunking]

- I came home today after a three-hour comprehensive exam,

and all I wanted to do is brew some of my gourmet coffee

and plop myself on the couch and watch some TV.

But no.

Who do I find sprawled all over my couch... my couch!

Mickey.

Snoring like a beached whale, but your degenerate friend.

- Hello, Phil. - No, don't "hello" me, Mickey.

This is my place too, and I don't like coming home

and finding strangers on my couch.

- Phil, relax. Take a chill pill.

- No, I'm not gonna take a chill pill, Mickey.

All I wanted to do was relax, but I can't!

- Shh. You're gonna wake him up.

- Good! I hope I wake him!

It's an invasion of my privacy.

How would you like it if every time you came home

you found one of my friends sleeping on the couch?

- Phil, you don't have any friends.

- I'm not in the mood for humor, Mickey.

No, I'm putting my foot down to this.

I want you to wake his ass up, and get him the hell out...

- Shut up! Just shut up and stop whining!

You're really getting on my nerves.

- Fine.

I'm going to file another complaint

with the Housing committee.

- Too much? - Nah.

He's full of empty threats.

- You want a beer? - Yeah, sure.

- [sighs] [grunts]

God...[murmurs].

- Last one.

- How long have you been here? - All day.

- God. Hey, did Beck call?

- You know, I'm gonna have to double check,

but I'm pretty sure

there's other girls out there besides Rebecca.

- [chuckles] Look, I gotta go.

I'm meeting Ethan for a weekly antique at the Greenwich.

You... do you wanna go?

- You dorks still do that? - Yeah.

- Sure, why not?

[somber acoustic guitar music]

[women muttering lines]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

- Rebecca Moskowitz.

Rebecca Moskowitz!

- One more second.

Good. I apologize.

- [laughs]

- Nice picture. - [clears throat]

- Very nice. You're very attractive.

- Thank you, Mr. Scott. It's a pleasure to...

I'm... I'm a really huge fan of your films.

- Well, thank you very much. That's very kind of you to say.

Did they tell you much about the project outside?

- Just a little bit.

- Well, we've already cast two of the three principals.

- I know. Their names were in the ad.

- Anyway, for the part of Trisha,

I wanted to go with an unknown.

Considering she's a struggling actress,

I figured it would undermine the character

if I cast someone the audience is familiar with.

So, that's why I'm here.

That's why you're here. - [laughs]

- Let's see what you got.

- Kay.

- Now that is cinema.

That's what it's all about. - Hmm, I don't know.

- What do you mean, you don't know?

- I don't know, Mickey.

I didn't cream in my jeans, okay?

- No, it's not okay. The fucking thing is brilliant.

- Look, maybe he didn't like it.

Not everybody does. - No, bullshit!

Name one thing you didn't like about it.

- Don't take it so personally. - Don't take it personally?

Screw you, man.

- I preferred the book. - You preferred the...

You know what?

I'm not going to the movies anymore, okay?

With either of you. - You guys ready to order?

- Yeah, I'll have a Beepin' Burger medium

and whatever you have on tap.

- Fries, salad, or slaw? - Fries.

- Ditto that, sweetheart.

[country music]

- What the hell are you doing?

- I started that carbohydrate diet yesterday.

And for the first week, I can't have more than 70 carbs a day.

- So get a burger. - I don't want a burger.

Shit. I forgot what I had for lunch.

- Get the chicken sandwich. - I had a turkey sandwich.

Do you know how big your spaghetti portion is?

- I don't know. It's about average, I guess.

- What do you mean by average exactly?

- Well, I mean if you took all the orders of pasta

cooked in the city every day,

and you compared the quantity of the servings,

this particular serving

would fall around the mean of all the different portions.

- I see.

Well, then, could I get the spaghetti with meatballs,

but could you please make sure I don't get more

than half a pound of spaghetti?

- You want me to weigh it? - No, no.

If the chef could...

You know what? Forget it.

[sighs] It's too risky.

I'll just have the Beepin' Burger with cheese.

- Fries, salad, or slaw? - Ooh, really want fries.

Um... - Don't believe this.

- Do you know how many potatoes are in a portion of fries?

- You serious?

- I can't have more than a potato and a half.

You know what? Just give me the salad.

- What kind of dressing?

- Um...

Hey!

- You're driving me fucking nuts.

- I'll just have oil and vinegar. - Good.

- What? - What was that?

- I'm on a diet. - You call that a diet?

You can eat a cheeseburger, but you can't eat spaghetti?

That's the stupidest diet I've ever heard of.

- It's a special carbohydrate diet. - Well, it's stupid.

- It's a regulated diet... - Stupid!

- You can be such an asshole, Mickey.

- Well, this is nice.

You guys do this every week, huh?

[chuckles]

[all laughing]

- Can I have my book back?

- Hey, I thought we were meeting at the restaurant.

- I left the office a little early.

Thought I'd come by and see the apartment.

- Dad, you've seen the apartment a hundred times.

- You got a girl up there? - No.

- A boy? - Pardon?

- You didn't turn homo on me, did you son?

I know how it is with these theaters.

It's like there's something in the ventilation systems.

- Jesus.

- [laughs] Darrin, I'm teasing.

Let me in.

[grunts]

- Here's mom's special meatballs.

- Oh, great, I've been waiting for these.

Thank her for me.

- She and Matt send their regards.

[beeps] - Hey, Darrin.

Hey, it's Christopher.

Listen, I'm coming to town next month for a couple days.

We should get together.

There's something I wanna ask you.

- You know, it wouldn't hurt you to come out

and see us every once and a while.

It's only a 40-minute train ride.

33 if you catch the express. - I know, Dad.

I've been busy.

I get home from the theater, and I have to write.

- How's the new play coming?

- [sighs] It's, uh...

It's not.

- You know what your problem is?

You're thinking about it too much.

Here.

- [sighs]

- Dad, you shouldn't.

- I figured since you're going to be writing great plays,

you need a special pen to do it with.

[warm music]

- Hey, you.

- What are you doing here?

- Just waiting for you.

You going to invite me in?

- Come in.

- When do you hear from this producer guy, George Perry?

- I don't know. A couple of weeks?

- I got a good feeling about this one.

Keep me posted.

- I will.

- Oh, get this.

I played golf with Jerry Finnley over the weekend.

Would you believe

that son of a bitch is still trying to recruit you?

He asked me to tell you to give him a call

if you ever change your mind.

I told him no.

I said, "Jerry, don't count on it.

"My son writes plays, not commercials.

And he's gonna be a successful playwright."

I know you will be, Darrin. I just know it.

[tender music]

- You all right?

- Yeah, yeah. I'm just wondering,

I was wondering what might've happened

if I'd accepted that nomination 25 years ago.

You know, I would've been

the youngest assemblymen in the district's history.

- So you've told me.

- [laughs] Assemblyman Kenneth Michaels.

But politics doesn't pay very well,

I desperately wanted to marry your mother, so I figured...

Anyway.

What I think I'm trying to tell you Darrin...

Is that I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, Dad. - [laughs]

[jazz music]

- Excuse me, uh, is this whole grain bread?

- Excuse me? - Uh, the bread, I...

I can't tell if it's just regular whole wheat,

or if it's some other specific grain.

- Uh, do you want me to find out for you?

- [sighs] Please, you see I'm...

On a diet.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

I got held up. - What's going on?

- You're not gonna believe this.

I still can't believe it. - What?

- I got something.

Can you believe it? I got something!

- A part? You got cast in something?

- Well, sort of. You see, about three days ago

I got a call for an audition at ABC.

So yesterday I go over to the ABC building on 66th,

find this lady's office, read a short scene with her,

she says thank you, and that's it.

I'm thinking, "shit, so much for that," right?

Well, anyway, I'm on my way to meet you,

when the phone rings.

It's some casting coordinator at ABC

asking if I can report for a full day of work tomorrow!

[laughs] - Well, can you?

- Yeah! - Oh, wow, that's great!

Congratulations. [thumps table]

[whispers] Congratulations.

- [laughs] - What's the part?

- I don't know.

I don't even know what show it's for.

But who cares! It's something!

And they're gonna pay me. Oh.

And I got another callback for that film

I was telling you guys about.

- The one with the famous director?

- Oh, Ethan, I am perfect for the part.

She's got this jaded, don't fuck with me exterior.

- Which you play very well. - Thank you.

- But when she sheds her skin,

she reveals this frightened, naive, insecure child.

Plus she's the right age, and the right look.

I think I'm gonna get this one, Ethan.

I can feel it. [laughs]

- Here she is. - Hi.

- Rebecca, this is Kelly Decker.

- I really admire your work. - Thank you.

From what I hear, I'll really admire yours.

- I'm sorry about the late hour.

You had time to review the two scenes?

All right, let's see.

[upbeat funky music]

- [murmuring]

Jay!

Hey, I thought that was you!

- Greggy, what's up, man? Long time.

- You're not kiddin'.

Been trying to track you down, man.

- Hey.

- Tracy, this is Jay Green, that kickass guitarist

I was telling you about. - Hi.

- I heard you had a 'bout of carpal tunnel.

You still playing? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Um, soon.

I don't wanna rush into it, you know?

- I hear you.

Listen, when it clears up, I'm putting a band together.

- Rebecca... Rebecca mentioned... - Yeah, yeah.

It's gonna be great. I got Timmy on drums,

this fucking capital bassist I met at Mercury Lounge,

I just need another guitarist.

I thought you might be the missing link.

- Yeah, hey, sounds good, um...

Rebecca's got your number, right?

- She does, she does.

Give me a call. - Yeah, all right.

- Mmm. Great meatballs.

- What did you expect?

- Well, to be honest...

When I first met you... - Mm-hmm.

- I thought you were a complete and total

non-self-sufficient asshole.

- Really? - Yeah.

But this is delicious. And the place...

I assumed your place would be a shithole,

but this is kind of nice.

- I guess you just don't know me that well yet.

- [laughs]

- Big D, what's up? - [laughs]

- This is Sam. Sam, this is my sometimes,

but rarely because he never sleeps here roommate Darrin.

- Roommate?

But there's... There's only one bed.

- Yeah, I guess that's why he rarely sleeps here.

Actually, he usually sleeps with his girlfriend.

In fact, Darrin, what are you doing here?

I thought you were sleeping at your girlfriend's tonight.

- I am?

Yes. I am.

I, uh, actually just came by to, uh...

- [laughs]

- Grab my sponge.

And now that I have it, I'll just be on my way.

- S...

- He's a little odd.

- [sighs]

[warm music]

- [coughing] - [laughing]

So guess who has a date?

- Who does? Really?

- Yeah. - Does Mickey know?

- Why would I need any permission from Mickey?

- I don't know. - [laughs]

- I'm sorry. That's great.

- Yeah. [sighs]

- Who's the lucky guy?

- Ben DePaul.

- Ben DePaul.

I don't believe it. Benjamin DePaul?

The guy's the greatest ham in the history of meat.

I mean, he thinks he's onstage 24 hours a day.

Always over-enunciating everything,

and that pointing thing he does.

[groans]

[sniffs] - He's harmless and safe.

- I wouldn't say that.

- What do you mean?

- What? Aw, nothing.

- What is it?

- Nothing. I can't talk about it.

Ben told me something last year

during senior week in confidence.

Rebecca, I can't... - Oh, bullshit.

As if you feel any allegiance to Ben DePaul.

- Yeah, but...

All right.

But only because it's for your own good.

I mean, if Ben found out I betrayed his confidence,

he'd be... - Ugh, tell me!

- Okay, Ben's got...

Well, he's got circumgyration, Rebecca.

- Circumgyration?

- It's a medical term. Technically, it means

a complete loss of muscle control during ejaculation.

- Oh, my God.

- You're not kidding.

Better sit down for this.

You remember that video we saw

in our history of Crime and Punishment class,

freshmen year?

- The one with those real executions?

How can I forget? I had nightmares for months.

- You remember the clip of that mass murderer

in Russia? The one who was hanged,

and his body contorted violently for about a minute?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, that is what happens to Ben, when he... you know.

- He asphyxiates and dies?

- No, Rebecca, he has violent uncontrollable spasms

for about a minute and then he shits himself.

- You're putting me on.

- I wish I was. You remember Claudia Lacey?

- That annoying lacrosse player

that was in our theatrics class junior year?

- You remember that neck brace Claudia was wearing

the entire semester?

- Yeah, she missed an entire lacrosse season.

I remember because she wouldn't stop bitching about it.

She said she strained her neck in the weight room.

- That's what she told everyone.

- Why would she lie?

- Because, Rebecca, the truth

was much more disgusting.

Apparently, she and Ben had this flirting thing going on

for much of the first semester, but she had some boyfriend,

and Ben, well, he had the glee club show.

Anyway, second semester, day before classes start,

they bump into each other in front of Hayden Hall.

They get to talking,

one thing leads to another,

and they're back at his place. - [moaning]

- Now, after a stellar knockout performance

by good old Benny, Claudia figures, it's only fair.

So down she goes. - Oh, no.

- Oh, yes. - [moans]

- Now as you may or may not know,

this was Ben's first time with a woman.

- [moans]

- What Ben didn't realize is that, like most guys,

when they're getting a hummer,

he'd be rendered completely retarded.

- Oh.

- D'you ever see one of those rodeos

where the crazy cowboys ride the bucking broncos

until they're thrown off?

Well, let's just say that Claudia was the cowboy,

and Ben the bronco.

- [babbling]

[choir music in foreign language]

- [singing] Hey!

- Oh, my God.

Poor Claudia. - Poor Ben.

He didn't mean any harm. - What happened?

- Well, the shock almost killed her.

Fortunately the vac unit was able to resuscitate her,

and when the dust settled... - [sighs]

- All she had was a sprained neck

and an incurable oral sex phobia.

- Oh, that is really sad.

- She'll never go down again.

[friendly music]

- [laughing]

You're full of shit.

[laughs]

- So you're still gonna go out with him?

- [laughs]

[film reel humming]

[no audio]

[both laughing]

- That's all I've edited so far.

- That's neat.

Hey, what are you gonna call it?

- "Annoying Phil." [both laughing]

- I like it.

- Yeah, well, the department finally let me experiment

with some of their toys, you know?

- Oh, shoot. I gotta go.

- I gotta be back at my place before 5:00.

Darrin's got my keys.

- Why does Darrin have your keys?

- Stop it, Mick. Jay needed Darrin's apartment.

- Oh. Where did he sleep?

- In my bed.

- Did you cuddle? - [laughs]

Nothing happened.

- I don't care.

I mean, you can do whatever you want, you know?

Must've been kinda awkward though.

- Why would it be awkward?

- I don't know.

Probably 'cause you're in love with him.

- I'm not in love with him.

I just had a mildly obsessive crush.

- Come on, Beck, everyone knows you've been in love with him

since the day you met.

- Well, I never said one word to everyone,

so whatever he's telling you, he's lying.

- Don't do that.

- What? - You know what.

[both heavy breathing]

[unzipping]

[both moaning]

- Okay, Mick, time's up, man.

Jesus. Mick.

Don't you just live across the street?

- [exhales]

- Couldn't wait, huh?

- Chester, this is Rebecca. Rebecca, this is Chester.

- It's a pleasure.

- [sighs]

- I'll give you five.

- [laughs]

- What... what... What are you doing?

- What are we doing? This is pathetic.

- Rebecca, wait, pl... - Mickey.

I'm sorry.

- Fuck.

- Hey, you'll get over her.

It just takes time. - How would you know?

- Because!

This is what classic literature's all about.

You ever read "Jude the Obscure"?

I just finished it.

It's about this guy who loses his one true love.

- What happens?

- She goes off, and she marries this headmaster.

- No, what happens to the guy? Jude.

- Oh, he...

Um, you know, forget I mentioned it.

I'll talk in your language.

Remember "Saturday Night Fever"?

- Of course. - Remember the end?

- Yeah, Travolta practically rapes her

and then she takes him back, but only as a friend.

- Is that what happens?

I thought that...

I thought that they get back together at the end.

- No!

- I should really see that again.

- You know what? I'm gonna go take a walk.

- Hey, Mick.

I'm sorry, buddy.

[thumps]

[thumps]

[phone rings]

[ringing]

[beeps] - Hello?

[buzzer]

Hi.

Nice bathrobe.

- Thanks.

It was my grandmother's.

- Is he here?

- Come on in.

- Wake up, sweetheart.

- [moans]

[yells]

Dude, you scared the shit out of me.

What are you doing here?

- Well, I just came by to tell you that...

they're gonna produce my play!

- No shit!

[both shouting]

- You see, Rebecca, I am a gambler.

That is why I've put everything on hold

while I try to make it as an actor.

[pounds on table]

- What the hell is she doing with Bronco Boy?

- What do you mean?

- Well, she told me the story you told her.

Circumgyration? How do you come up with that shit, man?

- You see, Rebecca, to be an actor is...

- [grunts] - Oh!

[laughs]

What are you guys doing here?

- Oh, we just thought we'd come by and see you.

- What's going on? - Uh, nothing, really.

Uh, well, they're gonna produce my play.

- [gasps]

[screaming]

- Whoo!

Yeah!

- Hey, you. - Hey, you.

- I was afraid you weren't coming.

- What, are you kidding?

Been looking forward to this since the day we met.

- Thanks, Mick.

- [exhales]

- Hey, you made it!

- Big star. - Starting to worry about you.

[pounding on floor]

- Roll over, doughboy. - You're touching me.

- [exhales]

- Play the fucking thing.

- All right, all right. You guys ready?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

- All right, here it is, my television debut.

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

- [indistinct]

- Who's that? - I don't know.

I think she's having an affair with the fat guy.

- She's cute. - Is that you in the back?

- I don't know. I'll let you know.

- And she still doesn't suspect anything?

- Well, you know Marion. Head in the clouds.

- There! That's me! Both: Where?

- Rewind it.

- Oh, wait. I walk by a couple times.

- What are you wearing?

- A short black skirt, and a white top.

- That's not you in the back? - Okay, just watch closely.

I'm gonna walk past... there! All: Where?

- That was me. That was my shoulder.

- I didn't see it. - Oh, I missed it.

- Rewind it for Christ sake. - Oh, my God.

Look at the blonde in the back.

- Where? - Where?

- Behind the... In the background.

- Oh, my. - Who? I don't see anyone.

- Behind the corner table there.

- I can't see anything. - She's gorgeous.

- I think there's something wrong with my eyes.

- Hey, did you meet her?

Can I meet her? - No.

All right, I'm gonna walk in from the left side.

You can't see my face... - Is that your ass?

- Yes.

[upbeat music]

- Wow.

- Jesus, Rebecca.

Your adorable tush was on national TV.

- [chuckles]

- That's really cool.

- Hey, rewind it.

- Yeah. - Yes.

♪

- Do you know when the auditions are gonna be?

- No, that producer guy Mr. Perry is supposed to call me tonight.

But don't worry. I'll let you know.

- Don't bother, sweetheart.

Once you've been on telly, there's no turning back.

[laughs]

- You know, I still can't believe

that the entire nation has seen your fantastic cheeks.

- This calls for a toast.

To Mr. Michaels on getting his first play

produced on the New York stage.

- Here, here. - Thank you.

- And to Ms. Moskowitz

on her professional and network debut.

[phone ringing]

- Ooh.

Come on.

- Hello? - Watch it.

- Yes, Mr. Perry. Hello.

- [laughs]

- Uh-huh. - Aww.

- Well, thank you for calling.

Well, I'm sorry, too.

Good-bye.

That was Mr. Perry.

Apparently, his usual investors backed out on him.

- Oh, Darrin.

- [sighs]

- I'm...

I'm gonna go for a walk.

[quiet music]

So the critical phase

is what's happening to us right now.

- I don't feel so good.

[burps]

- Getting drunk on cheap beer?

- No.

- It's that first year or two after college

when you figure out if the career you wanted

is actually gonna work out.

I mean, our entire lives,

they've been prepping us for this moment.

The one constant through a decade and a half

of education has been hard work equals success.

Study hard, get a good grade,

practice your guitar, writing, acting, whatever,

and you'll improve.

But will you succeed?

Because unfortunately, the one thing

that they did not prepare us for is failure.

[phone ringing]

- Hold on a second.

- Ms. Moskowitz, Mr. Scott will see you now.

- Hi! Rebecca.

Sit down, please.

Want something to drink?

- I'm fine.

- Good.

Rebecca.

I called you in to tell you

that we're very close to making a decision.

Actually, we've narrowed it down to you and someone else.

As you can imagine, a role like this

in a movie like this makes a decision like this

a very important one.

And I thought that maybe,

in order to make the best decision possible,

we should get to know each other a little better.

You know, feel out if we'd be comfortable working together.

Am I making myself clear?

- Mr. Scott, I don't understand.

- Oh, I think you do.

I think you understand what a role like this will do

for someone like you, and I'm prepared to give it to you.

I would think in return

you could show me a little appreciation.

[soft music]

[grunts] - [crying]

- You stupid bitch.

♪

- [singing] When you say

You're starting to see

This piece of me

I call free - It's okay.

- [singing] You'll say it's easy

And I agree

I agree

- Okay, got it.

- Got it? - Wait a minute.

Got it? Okay.

- Oh, he's a tight fit.

- Just put it by the desk.

- Oh.

Okay.

- This looks great, Dad. You really didn't have to.

- Of course, I did. I figured one of the reasons

you were having such trouble writing was you didn't have

a comfortable chair to write in.

Well, go ahead. Try it out.

That chair will be a museum piece one day.

- Dad. - They'll say,

"That's the chair in which the great playwright

Darrin Michaels composed his"...

- Dad.

Enough. I get the point.

Not supposed to be a point, Darrin.

It's just a chair. - Well, you shouldn't have.

- Well, I wanted to. - No, Dad, you're not...

Look, there isn't gonna be any writing in this chair

or in that chair or in any other fucking chair anywhere.

There isn't gonna be any writing, period.

And it doesn't matter if you buy me a finished oak desk,

or a fucking silver pen

with my initials engraved in the center.

Doesn't change the fact that I can't write anymore.

[bittersweet music]

- [singing] Caught a ride dead of night

To get where I am going

'Cause you know...

- Important thing to recognize are the various allusions

to the Bible and pornography

and homosexuality within the novel,

and would anyone like to talk about that?

Anyone?

Christine.

- What do you think about Hardy's use of color in the novel?

I mean, the white dress that Tess wears in the beginning?

What do you think that means?

- [singing] Don't it make you sad? Sorry to know

Oh, the bushes are overgrown

Makeup is the best damn part of the show

What if we wake up in the end

Only to find you started over gain

Start it again

- Christopher. - Late, as usual.

Ah.

Nice costume.

Somebody die?

- [laughs] - Hmm?

- So what the hell you doing here?

- I'm moving here next month after graduation.

- Apartment hunting?

- Not exactly.

Come on. I want to show you something.

[upbeat music continues]

I'm leasing it for the summer.

So what are you gonna do with it?

- Bring back the public bathhouse.

What the fuck you think I'm gonna do with it?

I want to direct a play.

- You mean one of my plays?

- You catch on fast, Darrin.

Come on. It'll be just like college,

only better, because it will be our New York debut.

- So you want me to just give you a play?

- Well, I was hoping you'd be

a little more involved than that.

You know, help me cast, co-produce,

co-invest.

You can start by cleaning this place up

while I'm finishing school.

- Look, Chris, it sounds great, but...

I've got a job now. I can't just...

- Fuck your job.

We'll be putting up one of your plays.

Think of the potential.

We'll invite all the newspapers to review,

we'll flood the village with publicity fliers.

It'll be great.

So what do you think?

- [singing] Like it or not, you're a part of the show

Oh, the bird sings a song

Don't it make you sad? Sorry to know

Oh, the bushes are overgrown

Makeup is the best damn part of the show

What if we wake up in the end

Only to find you started it over again

Start it again

[TV continues in background]

Start it again

Oh, the bird sings a song

Don't it make you sad? Sorry to know

Oh, the bushes are overgrown

Makeup is the best damn part of the show

And what if we wake up in the end

Only to find you started it over again

Start it again

- I got it.

I got it!

- Huh?

- So the guy and the girl are sitting in the gas station.

She's behind the wheel.

Now it's the dude's first time in the Trooper,

so he's checking everything out.

Five-CD disc-changer, dual airbags, four-wheel drive,

antilock brakes, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Anyway, the gas attendant finishes pumping,

and the chick turns on the ignition.

Now, here's the kicker.

Instead of driving out via the exit ramp,

she drives straight toward the curb

that separates the street from the station.

She stops at the precipice to put on her seatbelt.

The dude's looking all confused.

He doesn't understand why she's about to go over

this big curb when the ramp is just 3 feet away.

So he looks at her and he says, "It's a curb."

And she just turns to him and deadpans.

"It's a Trooper."

And that's the new campaign.

- Wow. And you came up with that?

- And here's the best part.

The idea is to run a series of spots.

Start small with the curb.

Run that for a couple months.

And then you hit them with the Trooper on a hill

and then on a cliff and then on Mount Everest.

- [laughs] - And then for the final spot,

they're sitting on the edge of the moon.

Anyway, the commercial always ends with the guy

turning to the chick and saying,

"It's a mountain," or whatever.

And she just turns back to him and deadpans...

both: "It's a Trooper." - [buzzes]

- [laughs] - Exactly.

- So what do you get?

- I'm not sure. Probably a raise.

Maybe a promotion in a couple months.

- So you're not even gonna consider Chris's offer?

- What's to consider? I can't produce a show

and go to work at the same time.

- You never even thought about it, did you?

- Are you stealing toilet paper?

- No.

Brought it with me.

- Rebecca, I can't just quit this job.

- You know, Darrin, it's funny.

For an entire year,

you couldn't write a fucking thing.

All that bitching about too much structure,

too much spare time.

You think it's a coincidence that now that you've got

this job and the pressure

of being a struggling playwright is lifted

that suddenly you're able to write again?

- What the fuck is she talking about?

- I'm talking about the reason

you gave up being everything you wanted to be.

- What's the difference, Rebecca?

I can't just quit this job and lose my security...

- Jesus Christ, man.

You been chewing my ear off for five years

about how desperate you are to be a playwright,

so fuck the security bullshit, 'cause it's just...

- Bullshit!

- You were wrong, Darrin.

It's not that you weren't prepared for failure.

You were just scared to death of it.

- God, I hate you guys.

Shit.

You know what? Fuck it.

I hate this suit, anyway.

[sighs]

- [snickering]

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

- All right, Julie, send them in.

- My dad wore this old tattered gray fishing cap

and this raggedy, tan-colored fishing vest.

- Beneath the vest was a white T-shirt

so badly stained with beer, sweat, and I don't know what,

that I had trouble finding any white in it at all.

- Strapped across his chest were his suspenders

that just barely seemed to hold up

his yellow, rainproof fishing pants.

- When we were finally ready to go,

he'd open the door and ask me

the same thing he'd always asked me

before our Saturday morning fishing adventure.

"Did you put the beer in the cooler, son?"

- And I'd say, "Yeah, Dad. Just like you showed me.

"A layer of ice and a layer of beer.

A layer of ice, and a layer of beer."

"Good girl," he'd say. "That's my girl.

And did you pack something for yourself?"

I'd say. "Yeah, Dad. I packed some pop for myself."

And he'd smile

and rub his big blistered hand along my head,

messing up my hair.

And then he'd say,

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go fishing."

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Just a sec.

Jay?

- No, it's me. - Oh. Hey.

- Hi.

- Um, do you want something?

Uh...

where's the fucking tea?

Darrin...

if you've got something to say to me, just say it.

[exhales]

- You were really good, Rebecca.

- Just not good enough.

[sobs]

Darrin, just do me a favor. Get out of here.

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

- [crying]

- Hey.

[melancholy music]

- So when am I gonna lose my beautiful coffee table?

- Just as soon as the...

you know... clears up.

- Carpal tunnel? - Yeah, yeah.

- Is it getting any better?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Hopefully soon now.

You know?

I don't have carpal tunnel.

- I know.

- You know? - Yeah.

- Um...

does everybody know?

Do they know why I haven't been playing?

- Do you?

- No.

Yeah.

- What are you afraid of, Jay?

- I, uh...

I'm afraid that if I pick her up,

I won't be able to put her back down,

and...

I might end up...

- Happy? - No.

No, I might end up, like... [phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

- Hello?

No.

Because you're an asshole! [slams phone]

Darrin.

- Yeah.

[both laughing]

- [crying]

[tender music]

- I am such an asshole.

- All right, so maybe you're a little bit of an asshole.

Don't worry about it. She'll come around.

- It's been three weeks.

I must've left a thousand messages on her machine.

Nothing.

I really hurt her, Ethan.

I mean, you saw her do it senior year.

She was...

- Perfect.

Hey. Snap out of it.

You guys have been best friends for four years.

I mean, she's not gonna hold this against you forever.

You should be excited.

Your professional debut is in two weeks.

Your girlfriend's flying in. I mean, come on.

[singer vocalizing]

[upbeat music]

[singer vocalizing]

- Women.

Let me tell you something about women.

- Ethan, you've never been with a woman.

- Yeah, but I've read about them.

- Wait a minute. I'm still confused.

She just left?

- She woke up yesterday and said

she should probably go back.

- That's it? - Yep.

She packed her bags, got in a cab...

- And you didn't say anything?

- I said good-bye. - That's weird, dude.

- We had absolutely nothing to say to each other.

There was no...

- What is that? - I don't know.

- Attraction.

There was no more attraction.

- You're telling me you guys didn't...

- Oh, no, no. We did.

Twice, actually. - Twice?

That's a successful decade for me.

- Lifetime, buddy.

- I think that was just because the first time

was so passionless that we had to do it again.

You know, just to make sure.

The funny thing is,

is that the brief time that she was here,

I couldn't stop thinking about...

- What?

[knocking at door]

[knocking at door]

Hold that thought.

- Go talk to her.

- She said she would see me when she's ready.

What can I do?

- You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this.

- How can I explain this to him? - Sam kicked me out.

- What happened? - I don't know.

She said that I was suffocating her,

that she couldn't breathe.

- What happened to the key I gave you?

- Oh, pizza.

Mm.

I think I lost it, but, um, I still got the key

to the main door, though.

- That was my slice, Jay.

- So she got tired of supporting you, huh?

- I don't know what her problem was, man.

- Jay, you practically moved in with her without even asking.

What did you expect?

- I had a place to stay.

What?

- Well, at least she had the nerve to stand up to your bullshit,

unlike the rest of us who just sit back

and take it like it's our responsibility to support you.

- So I guess I can't crash here, huh?

- No fucking way can you crash here.

- All right. Hey, chill out, man.

I mean, just because your life is a total stress case

right now doesn't mean that...

- I mean, take some responsibility.

You're 23 years old. Get a fucking home.

- Oh, easy enough for you to say, Prince Darrin.

But unfortunately, my daddy can't afford

to write checks to the landlord each month...

- What the fuck is your problem?

I mean, look at you!

You've been living in this city since New Year's.

You got no home, you got no fucking life!

There is a limit to how long you can

exploit your friends, Jay, and man,

you have exceeded that limit a long time ago.

You've become a fucking burden.

- I've become a burden to you guys?

[dramatic music]

- [singing] Do I hear the cars or the ocean?

I can't tell which

When I am this high

In the sky

Do I hear the cars or the ocean?

[police sirens wailing in distance] I can't tell which

When I am this high

In the sky

Was I abandoned? Was I chosen?

Doesn't matter which

When I am this high

'Cause it's all one emotion

I call it bliss

When I am this high

[knocking at door]

- Hey.

So Beth left.

- Did you guys have a fight?

- No, I guess...

I guess we just grew apart, you know?

- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

- Rebecca, I have...

Rebecca, what are you doing?

Listen, give me a break, will you?

I really need to talk to you.

- Fine. Talk.

- I...

- [groans]

- I'm sorry I didn't cast you. All right?

- Spare me your fucking pity!

You cast the best person for the role.

- No! - Fine.

- No, I didn't cast the best person for the role, all right?

I didn't cast the best person for the role

because I was afraid of falling in love with her.

And I knew if I had to watch her every single day

in rehearsals slowly become the character

that I had written just for her,

I wouldn't stand a chance!

But as it turns out,

I guess I didn't stand a chance either way,

because...

I still fell in love with her.

- I just want to make sure we're on the same page here.

You are talking about me.

- Yeah.

- I'm just checking.

Go on.

- I don't know what else to say.

- That's it?

[warm music]

- [singing] The concrete

Broke your fall

To hear you speak of it

I'd have done anything

I would do anything

I feel like a cartoon brick wall

To hear you speak of it

You've been so sad

It makes me worry

Why not smile?

- So how do you want to handle this?

- Hmm.

I'll have my people release a statement,

vigorously denying all rumors.

[laughs]

- So do you want to keep it quiet for now?

- No.

Why, do you?

You worried about Mickey?

- I figured we probably should tell him together.

- Okay.

We'll wait.

Shit.

- What are you doing?

- Have an audition uptown in half an hour.

- For what?

- Some sort of one-act festival.

What?

- Nothing.

- Get out of here.

[laughs]

- Professor Kline is driving me crazy.

- "Jude the Obscure."

- Excuse me?

- Nothing. I... - Oh, yes, sorry.

I was so...

- In a different time and place.

- Yeah.

- Hardy'll do that to you. - [laughs]

- You a student here?

- Oh, no.

Well, yeah.

Grad student.

English.

- I'm a second semester sophomore.

I think.

- I took a couple years off,

and now I'm doing some summer school

to get back on track.

My name's Tess.

- Oh. - [laughs]

- Ethan.

[blues rock guitar playing]

- Whew.

- Easy there, old-timer.

- Smooth Smokin' Jaybird Green.

You get the flavor back?

- You still got that old Strat in the back?

- Mm-hmm.

- What do you say we dust her off

and take this joint for a ride, huh?

- I say you buy me a beer, you got yourself a deal.

- I ain't got no cash to smash, man.

- Me neither.

Hey, Michael, how about a couple on the house?

Tell you what.

Why don't you entertain me while I wash one down, hmm?

[blues rock playing]

- Well, I'm proud of you.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey. - How's it look in there?

- It's tough to say. Got a couple minutes left.

Should be about half full, though.

- Well, that's better than half empty.

- Yeah. - Are there any critics?

- Not really, some guy from some underground theater publication,

and some woman from something or other.

- Oh, yeah. I like her reviews.

Just fucking with you. Come on, man, lighten up.

Critics don't know what they're talking about anyway.

It's word of mouth that makes something a hit in this city.

- Yeah.

Look... have you talked to Jay since...

- You balled him out and made him feel like a worthless piece of shit?

No, I haven't. I mean, don't worry.

I'm sure he'll be here.

[warm music]

Wow.

You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

- [sighs]

You know, you both could've saved everybody

a lot of aggravation if you had just done this four years ago.

- Done what four years ago?

- Nothing. Sure you'll hear about it later.

- Hey, have you talked to Jay since he stormed off last night?

- No.

Did you call Sam? - An hour ago.

She hadn't seen or heard from him.

Don't think she wants to either.

- Hey, don't worry.

He wouldn't miss this for anything.

- Hey. - Hey!

- What's up? - What's up?

- All right. - You look like shit.

- Thanks! So how's she looking?

- Jay, look, I'm...

- Hi, hi.

- Hey.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Chelsea, um, this... These are my friends.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Um, okay, so, guess we're gonna go on in.

Don't want to get stuck in the back.

- Right.

- Bye.

- Shall we?

- I'll, uh...

I'll see you inside.

- Okay.

- Ho! Hey! - Oh, God.

- Thank you all for coming. Welcome. Hi.

Uh, welcome to our humble way-off-Broadway theater.

I'm Christopher Woods.

[singer vocalizing]

[mellow music]

[singer vocalizing]

[singers vocalizing]

- 'Cause no one's wicked

And no one's cursed

It's all run by design

And they're all drunk

Drinking the sweet hot wine

In this

Bad medicine night

Talk of the night

School dream women cuttin' lines

On the bathroom mirror

And custom signs

There's one for the marquee

And one for the ride

And they're all beating the sick hat hard

In this bad medicine night

Cotton is soft

Cool, clean linen treats you right

And they'll let you sleep there

Till the morning arrives

Take all the fast, loose women

And die, die, die

And they're all sharing a deep-tongue kiss

In this bad medicine night

All of the world sick in the mind

All of the time

Tearing a new page

Send them a sign

'Cause no one's wicked

No one's cursed

It's all run by design

And they're all drunk drinking the sweet hot wine

In this bad medicine night