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""
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Cut it out. I'm trying to watch
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I will rip off *your* arm-
-and beat *you* unconscious with it!
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Ahhh! My arm!
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Get away from me with Pete's arm!
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Berg!
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We got a choice this month
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Either lose Cinemax or we sell our plasma
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Have no fear
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- I got it covered
- Oh Berg, no more medical experiments
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Just remember my eyedrop experiment *paid* for that couch
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Hey, Berg. What color would you say that couch is?
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I don't know. Blue!
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It's just product testing
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"Marathon Personal Trainers - You'll Never Run Alone."
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All I have to do is wear these for 26 miles and record my experience
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10:38 am - they are comfortable, with firm support
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Congratulations! And welcome to your Marathon Personal Trainers!
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Oh Pete! Can I keep them? I swear I'll take care of them
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Oh Lord, give me strength
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Stop putting your sweaty shirts in my laundry!
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- It's one shirt
- With the *stink* of six
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And if you're through with my travel mug?
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Actually-
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Slow down. You still have 25.7 miles to go
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- Are your shoes talking?
- Caught your attention, did they?
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10:40. Babes dig 'em
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Berg, do you notice anything different about our Sharon?
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No, nothing
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Except that somebody gift-wrapped her neck
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Come on, it's a scarf
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Ted gave me this scarf. I think it's cute
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- Ted?
- Ted?
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- Berg, she has a Ted
- Yes, Ted! His name's Ted
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Just not used to them having names
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Well, he's got one and it's Ted and I gotta get to work
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- Work? Or is Ted whisking you away to scarf warehouse?
- Or House of Scarves?
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- Scarf depot
- Cheapy scarves
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You two have fun
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All right, we'll see you tonight, right?
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Oh, right, you know I have plans
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It's unlimited toppings night!
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Guys, if it's okay with you, I'm trying to have a life
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Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
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- I'll say. Did you slip my shirt back in the bag?
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- Yeah. And my boxers
- Excellent
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And if you guys need anything else, just call for me. My name's "Hey!"
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"You're darn good-looking."
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Ten miles. Keep it up, champ!
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Keep those sneakers quiet or I'm going to tear their tongues out
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I'll just lower the volume
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4:47. Feet are happy. Bill's ticked
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- How was the Celtic Game last night?
- Ah, Sharon canceled on me so I had to take Melissa
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Oh, what a shame. Having to go out with your own girlfriend
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No, I love Melissa, just not at a Celtic game, you know?
I mean every time they miss a shot, she says, "It's gonna be okay, sweetie."
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- What does Sharon do?
Ah well, Sharon screams, "Hey! You make 7 million a year. Make the shot!"
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And the other day she was supposed to come with me on that bus tour of historic Boston-
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Where the guys dress up like er- Minute Men?
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Yah. We sit on the upper deck and when the guy says, "This is where Paul Revere took his midnight ride-", we both yell, "Yeah! On your Mom!"
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Exercising the First Amendment
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When I do that bit with Sharon, people laugh
When I did it alone, they said, "Honey, move away from that man."
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- Hey, guys!
- It's Sharon, come to watch us work
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Couldn't stay away, could ya? You're just in time. I was just about to stuff a pepper
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I'm not here to watch you guys work. I came here to pick up a pizza
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Hey Bill, is that order for Ted ready?
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- Teedd...
- One large pie. Eggplant, mushrooms and green peppers
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- Yuck!
- My God!
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You see, first, he's got you wearing scarves, then he's got you eating vegetables
Next thing you know, it's "Come on Sharon, let's smoke some crack!"
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What's in the bag?
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- Videos
- What kind of videos?
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None-of-your-business videos
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Berg! Come on, give it back!
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Sleepless In Seattle, When Harry Met Sally...
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These are all Meg Ryan movies
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- You hate Meg Ryan
- I know
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But Ted thinks I look like her
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What was that?
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What is this guy doing to her? That is not our Sharon!
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You're more right that you know
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Have you noticed people have been acting strangely of late?
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Almost as if they're not really themselves or should they look the same, but inside?
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Why do you always have to talk to *me*?
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♪Pod♪ people
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Pete, there's a delivery
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Yes, Pete, hurry. *Bill* needs you.He'll be right there- *Bill*
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Welcome back! Ready to run?
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Hello, Turner.Good morning, Hooch
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Berg!
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Why is there no hot water?
You were supposed to mail the bill
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Sharon hasn't been around all week so I couldn't score stamps
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Oh well, listen. I'll give you the name of her connection- The Post Office!
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Remember to breathe
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Okay, I'm going to start hating those now
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Leave them alone
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All they said was "Breathe"
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You had it in for my shoes the moment you met them.
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You never even gave them a chance
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You just assumed because they're shoes, you can't be friends with them
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I'd rather be friends with them than with you
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That wasn't nice
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All right, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Sharon
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I mean, she's completely thrown off the balance off our-
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--delicate eco-system
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Plus, we have to watch small TV
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We can't go on living like this
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I say we march up to her apartment and set things straight! We take back our laundry
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- Borrow some stamps-
- Grab a quick shower
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And let her apologize
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Nothing can stop you.You're a winner!
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8:40. Firm arch support and
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-emotional support
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Pancakes
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Honey, we're home!
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Sharon!! Sharon, there's something wrong with your door!
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Excuse me. Can I help you guys?
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- We're looking for Sharon
- Shhh. She's still asleep
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I'm Ted and you are-?
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We're Pete and Berg
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We live downstairs
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- We all went to school together. We're her *best* friends
- Oh really?
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Well it's nice to meet you, Pete- er, Bert
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I'll tell Sharon you stopped by
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- You know what?
- What, *Bert*?
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I say we start hating him, now!
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Ohhh, look at me, I'm Ted
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Sshhh, you might wake up Sharon
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What is the deal with him?
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I don't know. But we don't get to see our Sharon because of *batter boy*
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I don't think so
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- We need to extricate him from her life and ours
- And fast
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You know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier
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- They said something very intriguing
- Don't quote your shoes
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"Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."
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What do you think they meant by that?
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I-don't-know
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I'm going to take them for a walk in the park. Try and get it out of them
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Okay, kids. Look what I got! Home-made playdough
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- Ooh, now what do we say?
- Thank you!
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Ewww!
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Rachel, someday when you grow up and you meet someone you really like,
you won't think kissing is so yucky
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Ewww!
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Hey guys! What's up?
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- Ted said you stopped by
- Ted?
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You mean the guy who's never heard of me
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Ohhh no, no, no, he's heard of you. You're er- *Bert*!
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I'm sorry! But when you're first starting to date a guy, you don't lead off with
"Hey, my best friends are two *good-looking* guys who live downstairs."
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Give us a sec
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Er-hem. Okay, the "good-looking" thing, valued try
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- But it doesn't get you off the hook
- No way
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- Melissa, help me out here
- Oh sure. I'll be right back
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- What's up?
- Okay. When you first started seeing Pete, did he tell you about me?
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- Absolutely
- See?
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- Really?
- Yah
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I remember the first night Pete and I made love, you screamed, "Knock it off down there Pete, or I'll shoot your whore"
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It made me curious about you
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- Ohh! So they're curious about Ted
- Look, all I know is the three of you together can be kinda intimidating
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I mean, it's a tough club to get into, you know
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Plus, there's a two-drink minimum
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No, no, no. Rachel, we bind our food, not our friends
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You're right
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We're not being fair, we should get to know him
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Great! I am free every night this week but tonight
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Tonight it is
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W-wait, wait! I want to be there
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We'll be fine without you
It'll be just us guys
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- Guys' night out
- W-wh, I'm a guy
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You lost your guy rights when you put on the scarf
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Okay, fine. But behave
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We'll just be ourselves
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Please don't. I *really* like this guy
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Fine, seven o'clock, Mahoney's
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Fine
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Keep your eyes *wide* open
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Show no interest or excitement. Don't trust *anyone*
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- Hey! How ya kids doing?
- Just fine, *B-i-l-l*
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I'm Bill!
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♪Remember to drink plenty of fluids♪
- Hear, hear
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Okay
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- 7:02, we meet Ted
- 7:03, we'll liquor him up and troll his soul for deep, dark secrets
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- Then we tell Sharon what a louse he is
- By 10:45, we're back in front of her big-screen TV where we so
*rightfully* belong
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- For Sharon
- For Sharon
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Does this make us selfish?
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Not at all
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Look, Sharon's not acting like herself and any guy who forces her not to be her--
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--not to be with her
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Sold!
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Pete. Berg
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00:13:08,748 --> 00:13:13,336
- Guys, I'm sorry I'm late. I got held up at the gym
- It's okay. Got to work off those pancakes
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Well actually, I'm in this Big Brother program and the basketball game went into overtime.
192
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:22,804
I couldn't just walk out on Bobby, not after his mother and father did
193
00:13:27,809 --> 00:13:28,977
Who wants a drink?
194
00:13:30,979 --> 00:13:33,022
Hey, guys! What're you having?
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- The usual
- This round's on me
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00:13:35,024 --> 00:13:37,193
- The usual, of course, being martinis
- Double
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00:13:37,794 --> 00:13:38,578
Extra olives
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00:13:38,862 --> 00:13:41,698
- Boy, they saw you coming, huh?
- And a club soda
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00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:43,783
Club soda?
200
00:13:44,158 --> 00:13:46,286
I'm sorry, fellas. I've got an early deposition in the morning
201
00:13:46,661 --> 00:13:49,372
- Come on, I got a class
- Well, it's a really important case
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00:13:49,789 --> 00:13:51,291
Blow it off!
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00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:55,295
- Sharon warned me about you guys
- So, you're a lawyer?
204
00:13:56,546 --> 00:13:59,924
Man, that must be tough. You know, capitalizing off other people's misfortunes
205
00:14:00,091 --> 00:14:02,218
N-no, no, no. I'm in environmental law
206
00:14:02,802 --> 00:14:06,181
That's where I met Sharon
You see, my firm is fighting her chemical company
207
00:14:06,598 --> 00:14:11,186
There I was, making a passionate plea to the jury about all the trumpet swans that were killed
208
00:14:11,811 --> 00:14:16,232
I pointed accusingly at the defense table...and there she was
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00:14:17,275 --> 00:14:20,486
He, er, defends swans
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00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:25,575
Here you go, Thurston
Lovey
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And a club soda
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00:14:30,788 --> 00:14:36,252
- Whoa, did you feel that heat?
- Oh man, she was all over you!
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You think?
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- Definitely!
- Couldn't be more obvious
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Ever since I met Sharon, I just don't pick up on that stuff
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It's okay, okay, just club soda
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A little red wine should get this right out
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O-okay!
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Trumpet swans, big brothers? Soda, come on!
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Don't let him suck you in
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00:15:01,528 --> 00:15:05,949
Right, anyone with a yard this nice has to have something buried underneath
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00:15:06,783 --> 00:15:08,117
You're absolutely right
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00:15:08,618 --> 00:15:12,163
No one's this perfect. We'll find out what's wrong with him
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- For Sharon
- For Sharon
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Okay Berg, stop fooling around
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Yah, right. Ha! Ha!
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00:15:27,762 --> 00:15:28,888
You're faking this
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Berg, are you faking this? Berg, Berg! Tell me you're faking this!
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You saved his life!
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What a show off!
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- Pete, Table 3
- All right, in a sec
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Before it petrifies
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Go along, Pete, you don't want to upset *Bill*
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00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:06,968
Hey Bill, what are we going to tell Sharon? She's on her way over
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00:16:07,302 --> 00:16:08,303
What, you didn't like this guy?
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00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:12,307
-He was all right. He's responsible. He's generous
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00:16:12,599 --> 00:16:15,685
- He's loyal
- He's completely wrong for us
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Who cares about you? Is he good for Sharon?
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00:16:19,981 --> 00:16:23,109
I don't know. I mean, she's been acting really weird ever since she's been with him
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- Yeah,she's not our Sharon anymore!She looks different,she acts different,she's-
- Happy
241
00:16:31,618 --> 00:16:34,162
W-why are you looking at-
242
00:16:35,038 --> 00:16:37,248
ohh... no!
243
00:16:38,374 --> 00:16:41,586
♪Pods♪! They got you too?
244
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:45,298
I'm the only one left!
245
00:16:46,508 --> 00:16:49,677
Whatever you do, don't fall asleep!
246
00:16:52,805 --> 00:16:58,853
You know, Berg, let's face it
I never thought I'd say this but Mr.Bauer makes sense-
247
00:16:59,187 --> 00:17:00,522
-not that we're *pods*
248
00:17:05,026 --> 00:17:08,029
You know, about Sharon being happy. I mean, Ted is perfect for her.
249
00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,865
I mean I always knew someday we'd lose Sharon
250
00:17:11,908 --> 00:17:13,368
I just didn't think it would be this soon
251
00:17:15,245 --> 00:17:17,372
- We're gonna have to be-
- N-no, no, don't say it!
252
00:17:17,872 --> 00:17:19,791
-mature
- Oh there, you said it
253
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,212
- Alright, here they come. Let's not screw this up for them
- All right
254
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:27,340
- For Sharon
- For Sharon
255
00:17:28,508 --> 00:17:29,843
Hey! Look who's here!
256
00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:31,427
- Sharon! Ted!
- Hey guys!
257
00:17:31,970 --> 00:17:35,056
Good to see you!You should see this guy unclog a windpipe
258
00:17:36,057 --> 00:17:39,561
I heard! And what were you doing, drinking martinis?
260
00:17:43,147 --> 00:17:44,148
Bill!
261
00:17:46,109 --> 00:17:49,237
You did not just snap at *me*!
262
00:17:51,114 --> 00:17:52,991
Er, no. Actually, we're on our way to Vermont
263
00:17:53,324 --> 00:17:54,701
Yeah, Ted surprised me
264
00:17:54,909 --> 00:17:55,910
Ted!!!
265
00:17:56,286 --> 00:17:57,162
Would you guys water my plants?
266
00:17:57,620 --> 00:18:00,665
I am *so* watering your plants
267
00:18:01,207 --> 00:18:02,375
Thank you
268
00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:05,503
- Er, we should be going
- Okay, bye
269
00:18:06,462 --> 00:18:07,422
W-wait, wait!
270
00:18:09,340 --> 00:18:15,096
Before you go- Ted, I gotta tell you something
this is one great girl
271
00:18:16,014 --> 00:18:16,639
I know
272
00:18:16,890 --> 00:18:20,101
And you two make such a *great* couple
273
00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:21,769
Listen to this man
274
00:18:22,020 --> 00:18:24,731
- Thanks, guys!
- No! And you two
275
00:18:27,817 --> 00:18:29,194
We have a real feeling
276
00:18:31,237 --> 00:18:35,783
And she, is going to make a *great* mom!
278
00:18:39,704 --> 00:18:45,502
Come on, Sharon! I mean, you feed us. You keep our heat on.
You tuck us in at night...just kidding, Ted!
279
00:18:46,503 --> 00:18:50,548
And if your kids aren't blond, somebody's cheating! I'm kidding too!
280
00:18:52,217 --> 00:18:53,468
Okay, bye you guys!
281
00:18:54,052 --> 00:18:55,637
Get out of here, you two! Drive safe
282
00:18:56,304 --> 00:19:00,475
We'll go out when you get back
Oh and Ted? Next time, drinks on Sharon
283
00:19:00,808 --> 00:19:02,018
You got it
284
00:19:04,562 --> 00:19:09,317
- I tell you, Berg. We are *such* good guys
- I am so proud of us
285
00:19:12,654 --> 00:19:19,327
Look at us! Look - fridge is stocked. Clothes are cleaned.
And Tuesday, the gas comes back on
286
00:19:20,078 --> 00:19:21,412
Because I got stamps
287
00:19:22,372 --> 00:19:27,043
Legends of the Rodeo
A 32-cent salute to a bygone era
288
00:19:28,419 --> 00:19:30,255
What's wrong with you?
289
00:19:33,091 --> 00:19:35,343
Sharon, what happened? What are you doing back so soon?
290
00:19:35,593 --> 00:19:36,719
Give me my keys. I'm going to bed
291
00:19:37,262 --> 00:19:39,556
- What's wrong? Where's Ted?
- At home
292
00:19:40,014 --> 00:19:41,891
Thanks to the *fathers* of the bride
293
00:19:42,517 --> 00:19:44,310
What are you talking about? We were on our best behavior
294
00:19:44,727 --> 00:19:48,189
Yah, well, after you guys gave me away at the pizza place,
295
00:19:49,649 --> 00:19:55,238
we got on the road and he just starts talking to me about..
..flying to North Carolina to meet his parents
296
00:19:55,530 --> 00:20:01,035
I mean, we're talking churches, good school districts,
I thought he was going to pull over and register Crate and Barrel!
298
00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:07,333
I had a perfectly good boyfriend
You guys had to go turn him into a husband
299
00:20:07,709 --> 00:20:08,960
We're being mature
300
00:20:09,544 --> 00:20:11,212
Well, I'm not ready to be mature!
301
00:20:12,839 --> 00:20:15,508
I'm not done being friends with you guys yet
302
00:20:16,342 --> 00:20:18,845
Ah well, isn't that what you wanted - the house, the kids?
303
00:20:19,512 --> 00:20:22,473
Yeah, eventually. But God, not now
304
00:20:23,391 --> 00:20:24,309
So it's over?
305
00:20:24,767 --> 00:20:26,477
Yeah
306
00:20:27,395 --> 00:20:32,692
You know I finally find a guy I really like and he over-commits
307
00:20:34,277 --> 00:20:37,447
Wait a second... Juice.. Eggs..
You guys have food!
308
00:20:39,574 --> 00:20:44,621
- Wow! I'm impressed
- And we're getting the gas back on
309
00:20:45,955 --> 00:20:48,374
Hey, you guys want to go upstairs and watch
big-screen TV?
310
00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:50,084
One second
311
00:20:54,422 --> 00:20:56,925
Yeah. But you got to lose the scarf
312
00:21:02,138 --> 00:21:05,099
You know what? We're going to hold on to this for you
313
00:21:05,517 --> 00:21:07,310
You may want it again down the road
314
00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:11,314
26 miles. You're a winner!
315
00:21:12,857 --> 00:21:14,776
I'm a winner!
316
00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:16,152
That's it!
317
00:21:16,903 --> 00:21:20,198
Pete! Get a hold of yourself!
318
00:21:22,242 --> 00:21:25,036
Ahhhhhhhhh!
319
00:21:31,543 --> 00:21:37,006
Turner! Hooch! You're home! Pete, look who's here?
320
00:21:40,093 --> 00:21:41,845
Don't you have something you want to say to them?
321
00:21:42,387 --> 00:21:46,140
Sorry, guys. Come on in!
25889
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