Original subtitles

I'm singing a song! I'm singin' a song!

- What's going on up there? - I'm... Nothing.

Singin' a song.

Aloha!

Hi. How's Hawaii?

Uh, well, it... it's... it's okay.

My, uh... My parents are just, like, fighting with my sister

'cause they think she's drinking too much, but...

we're all gonna pretend everything's fine and go to a luau later.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

It's, like, what's a family vacation without a little family drama?

- So... is a luau where you kill a pig? - Yes.

But I only eat one tiny piece not to be culturally insensitive.

How are you?

I got into the songwriter showcase at Paper Tiger.

What? I knew it!

- Will you be back in time? - Um...

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'll just... I'll come straight from the airport.

That is so awesome.

Who else is going?

Well, uh, Moe caught Tabitha kissing her older brother yesterday

after they'd been secretly hanging out, so...

- It's a whole drama. - Well, that's rough. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I think it's gonna be a while before they wanna be in the same room

with each other.

Well, I mean, maybe you could, like, Parent Trap 'em or something.

You know, the... the movie where Lindsay Lohan plays twins?

Oh, yeah, totally.

You've never seen it, have you?

No.

Well, buckle up and get ready to take notes.

What about your luau?

That pig's not goin' anywhere.

Your hair looks great.

Thanks.

Do you remember when we came to the father-daughter dance here?

In sixth grade?

I smoked those other dads on the dance floor.

First prize.

It was a participation prize.

Yeah.

You know, we should do, um...

We should do more stuff like that.

Which is... kind of why I wanted to see you today.

Your mom and I have been, uh, talking about joint custody.

What did she say?

Well, she said that it's your decision, but, uh...

I'd really love to start spending time together again.

- Nothing has to change. - Dad, everything's changed.

Yeah, but it doesn't need to. I mean, we can still be Tab and Dad,

winners of the dance contest.

"Participants."

I'm trying my best here, honey.

I get that you're mad at me.

You've made that pretty clear

with the bill that you've been racking up on the AmEx.

I might have spent more than I usually do, but it wasn't that bad.

It was a lot.

Look, I didn't... I didn't wanna bring it up today.

Yeah, well, you did, so...

You just made it easier, I guess.

I choose Mom.

You can keep your country club, and...

you can keep your AmEx.

Fucking Ben.

You rang?

Yeah.

You ate all the turkey.

- Yeah. - Yeah, no, great, it's cool.

Just help yourself to whatever you want, whenever you want it. I'll go hungry.

Uh, who made the turkey for your little dinner party?

This isn't even about the turkey, Ben!

See, this is why Tabitha and I didn't want to tell you what was going on.

She said you'd get crazy.

Oh, so you talked about me?

This was like some sick secret you both got off on, like,

"Oh, yeah, Tabitha, don't tell Moe."

"Mm, Ben! Yeah, Moe's so crazy."

Jesus, Moe!

- Maybe this isn't about you for once. - For once?

It is literally never about me when you're around.

What is going on in here?

Your son ate all the turkey.

He just devours everything in sight with zero regard for anyone,

like some selfish, tattooed...

T. rex!

- Ben. - You know what?

Enjoy the rest of your leftovers.

Hey. Thanks for coming. How are you?

I'm glad you called.

What is she doing here?

So much for a casual hang at the food court.

Is this an ambush?

Surprise! I'm Parent Trapping you.

You know, it doesn't work if you tell us that's what's happening.

- I'm just gonna go. - No, wait.

I... You guys can't be mad at each other over this.

I mean, you have so much history and... friendship.

Well, she's not exactly sentimental, so...

Yeah, and she's not exactly the expert on me that she thinks she is.

Okay, um, what if we take advantage of the Black Friday sales?

Stick it to late-stage capitalism together?

May the best thief win?

Tabitha always wins.

She takes what she wants 'cause she thinks she's entitled to it,

and everyone lets her.

Moe, I didn't mean for this to happen. We were going to tell you.

Really? Because Ben said you didn't wanna say anything

because you think I'm a total psycho.

What?

- Told you you should've said something. - Wait.

You knew, too?

I... I mean, I...

Good to know where we all stand.

Moe, I'm sorry.

Nah. Don't even apologize.

It was actually my fault for ever thinking I could trust you again.

You happy? Now she's mad at the both of us.

See you in school on Monday.

Three vegan taquitos!

- Thank you. - Yep.

Yeah, Dad. I'm... I'm on my way.

Bye.

- Yeah-- - Have we been to this?

Yeah, those tiny things. Like that.

- Ooh. - Santa looked skinnier this year.

- He did. - Think he got a tapeworm?

I don't think they have tapeworms in the North Pole, buddy.

Mm, I love this store. Yeah.

It says "All Local" there. Anyone ever...?

Not usually. She makes a lot of it herself.

Shh.

Thought you had a night shift.

I never went to sleep.

Ben didn't come home.

- Where is he? - I was gonna ask you the same.

You haven't heard from him?

All this fighting.

This is not how I wanted things to be between us.

Me neither. He's... just so...

Willful?

I know.

I love that my kids are independent.

You've had to be.

But he hasn't returned calls or texts.

I even reached out to some of his friends.

What's with the Dave kid?

He burped right into the phone.

I will find Ben.

You just get some rest, okay?

Okay.

But I'm leaving my ringer on,

and you call me if you hear anything, okay?

Of course.

- Hello, hello. - Hey.

So, how was the retreat?

Did you bring back any crystals?

It was actually amazing.

Mm!

- Lots of... radical honesty. - Mm.

But I wasn't so sure why I needed to keep chanting into my yoni.

- I mean, she's just fine as is. - Ew, Mom.

So, what's going on between you and Dad?

He called me to say you blew him off for Thanksgiving,

- and he's worried about your credit card. - Dad is only worried about his AmEx.

He's not worried about me.

Baby, that's not true.

He loves you more than anything.

He just... made some mistakes.

I thought we hated him.

Maybe we did for a minute,

but the only thing hate will do is eat you up.

So... maybe it's time to give him another chance.

It's like they said at the retreat:

when we communicate from a place of truth,

we unlock our future.

So, is that your yoni talking, or...

Ow.

Check.

Check.

- Hey. - Hi.

- How are you feeling? - Um...

uh, queasy.

That's why I brought you... this,

courtesy of Alaska Airlines.

- A barf bag? - Mm-hmm.

That's so sweet.

Are, um... Tabitha and Moe coming?

Uh... I set up a trap,

but then I got mauled,

which is kind of funny, actually, 'cause it happened at the mall.

Well, I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, I, um... I got you something, too, actually.

Just, um, a thank-you for being so awesome.

Uh... wow, I...

I mean, it's no barf bag.

Uh... what?

I ju-- No, I just, um...

I've never gotten a present from a...

You know, and this is so fancy.

I, um... it was on sale.

- Black Friday. - Mm.

All right, performers, backstage.

Performers to the backstage.

Feels like I'm forgetting how to breathe.

Focus on the music.

You're gonna be great.

Wait, can I take your picture?

Nice.

Okay.

Bye.

Yo, asshole.

Your mom is worried about you.

Give me a sec, real quick.

You can't just peace out like that.

We always come home. That's the deal, right?

I'm not Dad, okay?

Yeah, well, you share his genetic predisposition for bailing,

so I just assumed you skipped town.

Look...

I'm sorry we went behind your back.

I just...

I didn't want to piss you off more. You're still mad about the other thing.

For taking the fall for me when I stole.

You were on your last strike.

What was I gonna do? Huh?

Let you go to jail?

Yeah, well...

Mom still sent me away,

and you had all those...

dumb shoplifter meetings.

That part wasn't so bad.

I'm sorry.

Okay?

I don't want you to think you're out here all alone.

That you can't trust anyone.

I trust people.

Some people.

Okay, a few people.

Like...

one or two, at least.

That's what's cool about Tabitha.

Oh, my God.

Seriously?

She doesn't treat me like I'm always on the verge of fucking up.

And when she looks at me...

...she doesn't just see a...

What was it?

Tattooed T. rex?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I guess it's... kinda nice that you and Tabitha found each other.

It's disgusting... but nice.

And I...

guess I kinda...

have someone like that, too. I just...

I am the best version of myself through his eyes, and it...

- kinda makes me wanna be better. - See?

That's beautiful.

Man, look at us.

All grown and shit.

Aw.

- I gotta go. - Okay.

Call Mom.

I will see you at home.

Love you.

All right, folks, next up to the stage, we've got Elodie Davis.

Whoo-hoo!

- Sorry about this. - All right, you suck.

Awkward.

- Sabine! - What?

What's up, Portland!

We love you, Sabine!

You got this.

Whoo!

- This is insane. - I know.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

They loved you! They loved us!

Yeah.

Uh, nice ukulele, by the way.

- Oh, yeah. - I was wondering where that was.

Wait, why are you...

Is tour over?

I just came back for Thanksgiving.

My friend told me you were on the bill. I wasn't gonna miss it.

You were so good.

Well...

thanks for the assist.

Uh, do you wanna go to Rushie's, get a drink, celebrate?

It'll be fun.

Uh, no, I... I gotta find my friend.

Bye.

Bye.

- You were incredible. - Yeah!

Why didn't tell us

you were making your motherfugging musical debut?

- Yeah. - Um...

I wanted to tell you guys at the mall.

But how'd you guys find out?

- Jillian. - Really?

Where is she?

Uh, I think she left when you guys got all, like,

A Star-Is-Borny.

Yeah, I mean, El, the eye contact?

Off the charts.

Well, I'm gonna go find her. But I'm... I'm so glad you guys came.

- Bye! - Bye.

- Good job, man. - Thanks.

- Listen, I-- - I just...

- Okay, you go. - Okay.

I just wanna say, I am really sorry for freaking out about you and Ben.

And I'm sorry we snuck around behind your back.

I wanted to tell you,

but I didn't want you to think I was shingling or whatever.

I mean, maybe a little.

But you bring out something really positive in him.

So,

if you guys want to be together, then...

Really?

Yes, under one condition.

It never messes anything up between me and you again.

Got it.

Oh, and also, I've been saving it for therapy,

but I don't think I can afford to imagine my brother as a sexual person.

- Deal. - Yes.

Radical honesty from here on out,

- without the awkward details. - Yes.

Because when we communicate from a place of truth,

we begin to unlock our future.

Come again, Yoda?

Just... something my... my mom said.

Nice.

Hey, it's Jillian. I don't listen to voicemail. Cool, bye.

Hey, it's Jillian. I don't listen to voicemail. Cool, bye.

Shit.

She blocked me?

Hey.

What's this for?

In case you ever go away again, you can take us with you.

Aw, Spence.

Where'd you get it?

I stole it.

No, no, Spence. You're... You're not allowed to steal.

Why not? You do.

Ugh, I wish you'd been there.

- She actually gave us her blessing. - Blessing?

- That sounds serious. - Yeah, yeah, don't get excited.

Tabitha, can you come downstairs, please?

Um...

I'll talk to you later?

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Mom, what's he doing here? - It's about that credit card.

Yeah, I gave it back. It's not a problem.

Except it is a problem.

My business manager just called. There are new charges.

Tens of thousands of dollars of new charges.

Wait, what?

A computer at Apple, clothing at Mario's,

a $1,500 watch?

Wait, I--

I knew you were mad at your dad because I was mad,

but I didn't realize I'd poisoned the well this much.

This is serious, Tabitha.

Guys, I did not do this.

Then who did?

What, you give the credit card number to any of your friends?

No! Why would I do that?

I don't know why. Who knows why you do anything

- these days. - That's enough.

We all know there's trust to rebuild in this family between all of us.

But I believe our daughter. We put her through enough,

and she needs us right now.

You're right.

I'll call the credit card company.

See you.

Dad, wait.

Maybe we can...

get dinner this weekend or something.

Maybe we can go to that weird fusion place you like.

The place with the shabu-shabu?

Yeah.

Yo. You get your test back from Shaw?

Ninety-fucking-eight, boy.

Let's go!

It's easier when you know the answers.

Dude, shut up, all right?

Let me know if your connect

- can hook me up with a history exam. - My connect?

Hey.

It's all up here, all right?

Right? Am I right?

Damn, Brady.

Later.

Ah, hey, rock star.

Future sister-in-law.

You're chipper.

Yeah, I'm just feeling really good,

you know, having cleared the air with my brother,

with you.

Wow. Is this what healthy people feel like?

I wouldn't know.

And, um, I've been thinking a lot

about your whole idea about radical honesty, and, uh...

I've decided that I'm gonna come clean to Noah...

- this afternoon. - Um...

- Wait, really? - Yep.

Chase, the kiss...

the blackmail.

Yeah, if Noah is my actual boyfriend, then he deserves to know the truth.

It is the only way to move forward.

From now on,

you are looking at the new and improved me.

Moe 2.0!

Hi.

Mm.

Just wondering how many unanswered texts

I have to send before I qualify as psycho.

I know the other day was...

awkward, but I...

I swear I didn't know Sabine was gonna be there.

Awkward?

Awkward is... is watching Heidi Hobart drain the spit from her trumpet.

Try...

humiliating.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

I got to see the two of you together, and, uh...

you guys are super awesome together.

No, I... No, I was just... I was super nervous,

and... and I got, you know, caught up in the song,

but... we're, like, we're beyond broken up.

I mean, there's nothing there.

Didn't feel like nothing.

So... best of luck.

Mr. Finch, can I see you a moment?

Uh, hi. What is this regarding?

Come with me. Now.

- Hey. - Yo, what's going--

What's going on?

What, can I not be excited to see my hot boyfriend?

The B-word?

Now I'm worried.

What? It's true.

Noah Simos is my boyfriend!

Nobody gives a shit!

Nice. Well, I got some news that's gonna make the day even better.

Okay, well, I... I have a lot that I wanna tell you.

So I found out Brady cheated on his math test,

and I turned the boy in.

- Wait, you-- - Yeah.

And Miss Shaw's pissed, too.

But he's finally gonna pay for what he did, you know?

What's wrong?

I thought you'd be happy, you know?

He's going down.

Um, yeah, no, that's...

Hold on.

...part of what I wanted to talk to you about.

Whoa, no way! Brady's texting me right now.

He's probably shitting his pants.

Let me see.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

- That is not what it looks like. - Kissing Chase Rao?

- People say that-- - Know what? Don't bother.

You know, I put up with this bullshit,

the lies...

the f... the half-assing for long enough.

Moe, listen to me.

We're done.

We are done.