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That is the show, I'd like to
thank my guest Roger Griffith
of Cal Tec,

fashion designer and my
new BFF, Deven Crane.

And of course the always
loquacious, Brian Eno.

And now, unfortunately,

This.

Yesterday, I suffered

from what some are calling,
an on air meltdown.

The powers that be are convinced
that I

said some things,
and did some things
that I shouldn't have done.

And those powers, including
my wife and producer
of this show, Claire,

have uh made it clear that
I need to publicly apologize..

Now.

And if I do then,
I get to keep my show.

Here's the thing, I could
apologize all day long,

but that is not going
to get my show back,

because the truth is, it
hasn't been my show for
quite some time.

so I'm not going to apologize.
Not going to do it.

I'm going to leave.

You just watched my last show.

I know, I want to thank
all of you for taking

this journey with me
for all these years.

and I know, that our paths
will cross again.

So for the last time,
I'm Dick Romans

from somewhere in Los Angeles,
this has been

And, Or None of the Above.

Ok, hiatus is over,
enough is enough.

Time to get back to the..
in the swing,

time to get to the old

Dick Roman's magic,
here we go.

today is April...

Doesn't matter.

It's all the same day anyway.

Today on the show we have
a very special guest.

So happy that he is here with
us today.

Dick Romans, world class
fuck up.

and his dog. And later in the
show...

we'll have uh Dick Romans
pop by to...

set himself on fire.

That should be fun.

Alright.

It's your turn to be Dick Romans,
go ahead.

It's easier than it looks.

- Seriously?

- Hurry up.

- Come on now.

- Let's go.

Claire?

Why is the front door locked?

What the hell, Claire?

That's better.

- This is not a typical divorce, pNeil ok, it's not about

the house, car, and
the dog.

- Look, try and calm down.
Ok...

I, I have everything.
I'm reviewing it.

- My entire life is in
this envelope,

ten years of creative
collaboration, and a production
company.

And

- Fucking everything!!

- I need you to think happy
thoughts, you have to think

positive ok, everything is
going to be great.

You have to take a big deep breath Ok?p

- I'm going to tell you
how to do it,
I'm going to tell you

how to do your job.

You go back to everybody,
and you say,
I talked to Dick,

and Dick said I'm not signing
the papers that are
in the envelope.

Under no circumstance.
Ever.

- Look I'll tell you
what.

Go to one of them fruit and nut
places go get yourself Kombucha
tea.

Kombucha.

I'm going to send you
some wellness cream. Use it.

- I love you but that
doesn't make any,

- I don't even..
that's the worst..

- Dickie look, I gotta
go to meet a couple
of douchebags,

about some shit, okay?
I got to go.

You got to go, yeah. Well...

Non canine issues that are
complex

and um, yeah, so.

I just wanted to tell you
that you're not...

that I love you and
you're going to be fine.

That we're going to be
alright together.

We're going to sort it out.

- Hi.
- Hi, can I help you
with something?

- Yeah, I'm here for
Claire.

Oh..

Um..

this is a, little awkward.
- Huh.

Um..

Claire, unfortunately had

a really bad accident
at the uh..

airport.

- Oh my god.

- Well, we can cry for God
all we want, but
it's not going to bring

Claire's face back.

- What?
- Claire's face was
sheared off..

by an airplane
propeller.

- What?
- Claire, was actually
fooling around

acting like a little, "Oh
everything's so fun
on an airplane!"

On the airport tarmac."

And then, whack!

The thing just cut
her head in half.

- Who are you?

- Who are you?

- I'm the caterer.

- Oh it's nice to
meet you, the caterer.

- Nice to meet you.

- Are you stepping in
for Lenny?

- Yeah, no. I'm Lenny, I'm
Lenny Wright.

Wright Caterers. I'm dropping
stuff off for the party.

- Ooh, there's a party huh? Am
I invited, I love parties,
Lenny.

- I mean I don't know.

Are you not hosting
a party for 20 people?

Anniversary party?
What?

- All week?

There's a party?

- Yeah.
- What's today?

- Thursday.

- Fuck.

- Looks like you got
your hands full but I got to...

- Yeah look, Lenny the caterer
in about 24 hours I
got a bunch of people

descending on my home to
celebrate a ten yea anniversary

that was never consummated
because my wife

Claire, the ass face, decided
to divorce me

this morning so please,

if you'll excuse I'm trying
to stop an embarrassment

of legendary proportions from
unfolding.

Thank you.

- Alright, well what do I
do about this?

- It's a lot of crap.

- It's a lot of work.
- The booze is ours?

- Yep, it goes
in the bar.

- Huh, alright, well
you can take that inside.
I'll take the booze.

- Ok.
- What's this?

- That's my lasagna,
- Oh and what's in the...

- Cheesecake.
- Oh my god. Wow.

Ok, time out. Cheesecake.

Try the lasagna, and the booze.

- What do you want me to do
with the rest of the stuff?

- I don't know. Lenny,
find some skinny kids, feed
them.

- Hey Dickie, how are you
brother?
How are things up there?

- Not good, really
not good right now,

man it's dire up here.
Ok.

Claire left.

- Wait a minute. Left,
left?

- She left. Divorce. And now I
got to cancel the week.

- The week, what was
the week?

- The week, it's the
anniversary week, is this week,

you were coming up here right?

- Probably?

- Micky, really?
you know what?
It doesn't matter.

There's events planned on every
day.

There's a bunch of people
coming up here right now.

- Hold on second, I'm
here for you.

What can I do for you, little
brother?

- I don't know, I don't
want you to go

out of your way
to do anything.

I don't know, still come up
anyway.

- Some brother time?
I don't know....

- Yup! Yes! Good!
- Yeah?

- What?! No.
- Wait?

- Not you. I can't
Dick.

This is just not a good time.

Hey, you know what?
I got a better idea,

why don't you come down
and see me, get a little L.A.
time.

We'll catch up, get a little
hummus.

Pick up a bunch of uppers
and go paint balling?

Why are you laughing at that? p That sounds awesome.

- People paint ball.

- I'm not in that state
of mind right now.

Alright, we'll listen man
you sound good,

and really glad you called, and
give Claire my love.

Yeah, you too, and like I said...
Did you hang up?

Son of a bitch.

Hi, Patty, John, I'm sorry
I have to do this right now.

I'm calling to...
I got to cancel the week.

Thomas, Jessie, it's Dick,
I got to talk to you,

The week.

We're concealing the week.

I'm trying to send everybody
emails, and stuff

Claire, just fucking bailed on
me.

Everybody is coming in 24 hrs

I'm just trying to get
everybody to stay goddamn home

Weren't you invited?

It's life, we'll figure it
out one way or the other,

or we won't.

Ah, this is so shitty dude.

I can't control everything in
the universe.

People think I can, but I
can't.

If you hear from Claire. Tell
her that

I've been thinking about her a
lot.

And I hate her guts.

Could you tell her that her
father died?

Just tell her that some people
home invaded the house.

And that I was killed.

Bye bye.

Want a taste?

You know what?

This is kind of an opportunity.

We could do stuff that we could
never do before.

You want to sleep in the bed?

Done.
I can wear my hat.

I could wear my hat.

Ok, what do you think?

I know what we can do!

Let's break some of Mommy's
shit.

Don't you just love
this color Dick?

You should paint your office
that color!

Let's buy only
wine glasses since
we live in the wine country!

- It's a bunt!

the night, round and round

Give me the dress!

Don't waste all the toothpaste
Dick!

You're using too much!

All you need is a pea sized
amount.

Just a tiny, little pea size.

Then you can

I don't care about your
rules about toothpaste!

I don't care about toothpaste
rules, they don't apply
to me anymore.

So this is how much toothpaste
I use.

This is what I like to use.

This is the amount that
is satisfying for me, right
here.

This is it.

Dick, I want a divorce!

veins,

now memories are the scant

to wake up with the after glow.

Don't shoot arrows at nothing
Dick!

I'm not an orthopedist Dick,
but the imaging was negative

so my guess is you probably
have some low grade patella

tendon damage and, or
medial meniscus bruising

either way, it ain't
very serious, and it ain't
life threatening.

Alright, let's see now,
I got a.. goddammit.

- What are you looking
for?

- Oh, bear with me. Patty?

Oh what the hell!
Nevermind Patty, found it!

Haha, look at that there.

Now three very important
steps when you are
putting this brace on.

One, always apply the brace
from the ankle to the thigh
like this.

Step two. Always make sure
the knee setting is

set at minus two.

And three, and this is
the most important step of all.

After you've completed
steps one and two,

get a small tube of salve.
You squeeze about a

dime sized amount

into the palm of your hand
and rub that vigorously

into your vagina.

- Can I go now?

- Does that mean I can back to
my bird watching?

- Sure.
- Scram.

Minor set back.

Not a big deal,
we'll get 'em tomorrow

we'll take over the world.

don't do it again

to your self my friend,

come home

you know I get so alone.

Yeah! Yeah! That's sweet!

No, no, no.

No, we're all filled up on the
douche bag department.

- Whoo! Part - tay!

- Thomas, what, hey!

- My god, what happened to your
leg?

- What the hell's going on buddy?
I was just chopping

some wood and I,
I fell down.

- In your robe?

- You really shouldn't be
walking around with an axe,
Dick.

If I could, just real quick..
Bud, where are your
pants?

- You're not supposed
to be here.

- Why?
- Yeah, missed the
party?

- No, see the thing, Tommy,
the party's canceled, Claire..

wants a divorce.
- Oh god.
- What?

- I left you guys a
message.

I sent you an email, I
explained the whole thing in an
email.

- No, Dick I changed the email
to a different email.

- I left a message on the phone.
- A home phone?
- Maybe

- I think so.
- No Dick, nobody checks the
home phone,

you gotta call my cell.

- Here's what we're going to
do, you can drop the farm
implement, and we'll put some

trousers on you. And I'll make a meal.pWe'll talk about this.

- No, no, no...

- We're doing something
here.

- No, no you don't
have to do it.

- You guys are so alive together,
so electric.
- Oh yeah we were electric
alright.

But then the wires got really
old and we burnt our fucking
house down.

- God, your wires aren't old,
nobodies house has burned down.

- That's really god
damned good.

- No need to bring Him
into it.

You can make this recipe right
here in the comfort of your
home.

Using my latest endeavor.
- Ahhh

Look at that handsome devil,
huh, on the cover

of another book. And it's an
Atheist cook book.

Yes and it is personalized to
you.

- That's really sweet
buddy. Thank you.

- Sure.

- Should I burnt it now,
or wait

till you guys leave. "Claire"

- I'm an asshole.
- I like the peace, love, and
pepper part.

Tomorrow, good question, I was
thinking I found these

cute purple dinner napkins, and
these little Hi-C juice boxes

and like a shit load of
cyanide, and what I thought
I'd do is

off myself with the dog and
catch a little comet tail out
to a different world

a better place, it's a heaven's
gate...

I know it's kind of little bit
dated but...

- I don't really think
suicide jokes are funny.

Well, we're going to stay here
until you're back on your feet.

- I am fine.

- She's right.
- I'm fine
In fact, I have a plan

A real non suicide plan.

I'm going to go and

do all the things this week
that we had planned

for the anniversary celebration

I'm going to go and do those
things to show Claire

- To show her what?

- I'm ok.

A vision quest, you know, I'm
bucia, a little code du sue.

Those crazy fucking Indians
would dig a hole, all the way
out

in the tribe, vision quest, in
the pit, you know?

- Ok, didn't these guys have

medicine man to guide them?
- Not always.
- Here we are.

We could be your medicine men.
- Well, I'd be your medicine
woman.

- I was really focusing on the
part where I was in the hole
alone.

- Dick, we're going to stay
here, we're going to do this
with you. It's fate.

- Well let's not go
crazy.

- What is on the schedule for
tomorrow?

- I'm sure it's some shit.

- Ok, time to wake up.

- Well there's your
problem right there,

you're looking for meaning at
the end

and not in the whole of it.

Ask yourself, do you really
need to find a happy ending in
all this?

Is that really going to help?

- Ah Tommy, when did you
become such an asshole?

Jesus Christ.

Claire was here. And now she's
not.

Don't look for meaning where
there isn't any.

I think I was fucking around.

It's just funny.

- I've always loved
you.

It's not like its unmanageable,
hmmm?
Right?

I love my husband,
I love my family

- Jessie, no I can't

- Do not be a bitch to me!

- Did we finally find
a crack in your impervious
philosophy of

random, fucking
meaninglessness.

- I have been more than
tolerant of your little

sexual awakening glory hole
thing.

- We talked about
this.

- We sure as hell never talked
about Dick!

- Wait, what?

- I'm not going to do this, I'm
not going to let you rewrite
this,

you don't get to be mad.

- Jess, can I just say, he gets
to be a little mad.

- shut up
Dick!

- Ok, I'm understand
that people are really pissed
off right now,

and I get it. All I'm trying
to, I just think that maybe

we can get through this,
without it being such a big
deal.

- Oh so your grand opus
of self destruction

isn't over yet?

You fucked up your own marriage
so you figured hey why not take
ours down with you?

You little piece of shit.

- No Tom, all I'm saying is
that

yeah, okay, my penis was inside
your wife.

so hold, on I'm not finished.
But now my penis is not

inside of your wife.

What I'm suggesting is..

we don't try to find meaning

when there isn't any.

Right?

Wow, Thomas.

- You know what, that's fair.
That's a fair move.

Oh my god!

Oh he hit me right at the top of the head.

- You know what really
pisses me off.

You orchestrated this whole
thing Jess.

You weren't worried about Dick.

You didn't want to take care of
him. You wanted to bone him.

- Oh really, well
who's making up stories now,
Thomas?

- You had sexual intercourse
with the man on the porch.

- Yes that has been
very clearly established but

I didn't plan it, I didn't
orchestrate Claire leaving Dick

and I certainly didn't cancel
the party.

And anyway when we got the
email

you were the one who said we
should come up.

- Wait. What?

- Yes Dick, we got the
email.

- Then what the hell are you
doing here?

- We thought you
should be around friends and we
knew

you wouldn't let us if we told
you.

But that was his idea. Do you
remember that Thomas?

Huh? We've already booked the
baby sitter, why don't we just
go up?

We'll drink a bunch of wine,
we'll hang out with Dick we'll
relax.

Fucking revisionist.

You know, I'm not going to
apologize for anything. God.

I for twelve years had planned
nothing but focused on this
family.

I have managed my career.

three children, your career...
- Okay, time to go!

- What?
- I love you but you're
both

fucking crazy and I need you
out of my house.

- Come on Dick!

- No come on Dick, time to go.
- We're working
through
something here,

it's really important and kind
of involves you.

- No, doesn't involve me at
all. Really doesn't.

- Ok brother, it's probably
2:30 in the morning

and we are going to have to
drive all the way back to LA.

- It's not safe Dick.

- Okay. You can spend the
night.

But you're out of here at seven a.m.
- That's a tad early.

- Seven a.m.!

Good night!

know

forward

I can't see what I'm headed

Trouble anymore,

Oh no, no no, don't even stop.

Just keep going, keep going.

Oh you crazy bastard.

Hey buddy.

- I fixed it.

this I can't fix it while you

Tennis.

That's better, we're getting
there.

You're just shaking hands with
the racket. I want you moving.
Moving the whole time.

Out.

- T.O. T.O

- T.O.

It's a beautiful day.
- Hmmmm

I mean have you ever had a day
this good in your life.

Um yeah.

You smoke?
- No, quit years ago.

- How about this guy?

- Oh yeah, yeah peace pipe?
- Yeah.
- Sure why not.

- Why don't you get on that.
- Ok
- Just like it looks.

- Nice and easy.
- Jump right in.

Wow. I get that one.

- Yeah. Good, right?

- Yeah, it's really good,
really good.

- You got the look man.

You're rocking a crazy great
look. I love that headband.

You love the headband?
- I do.

- I'm getting you a headband. I
can get you a headband.

You're a broken man.

- Yeah, I mean, it's a little
bit of patella.

Meniscus. I know what you're
saying.

And you came to me for a lesson.

Dick Romans.

- I mean, tennis.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Tennis lesson.

Right. A tennis lesson.

There's a little more going on
though. Wouldn't you say?

Yep.

Tennis is not just forehands
and backhands, right?

I mean it is those things.

- Because without those
things you know

it's not really even tennis.

- It's not even tennis right.
You have to have forehands and
backhands.

You have to have spin, lob, you
got to have the racket.

- There are a lot of
things..

- There are a lot things.
That's very well said.

We are having a moment here.
This is best friends stuff,

my point is, tennis lessons,
life lessons.

Life you only live once.

But tennis, you get to serve
twice.

- Wow.

- I mean that's the business.

Am I in your head? Cause I feel
like I'm in your head.

- It doesn't work though if you ace everybody.
- Yeah.

- I mean if you're somebody that
just constantly aces people
you don't need a...

you don't need the second serve.
You're winning right off the
bat.

You're just a winner.
So, it's a good quote.

But it's kind of little bit
more of a loser quote.

- Unbelievable.

Hey! It's Steve!
- Lenny.

- Lenny! I thought we already
solved the whole food situation.

- No, we're good. I come in peace.
- By the way,
I gotta tell ya..

the lasagna, unbelievable.
- Well I'm glad you liked it.

- I really liked it.

- I made you a dish, here.
Sample platter.

I know you're going through a
little something

and I figured you could use
another good meal.

Looks like things are getting a
little worse around here.

You're probably not hip to all
the men's fashion for Spring.

This is basically called
bracing

It's all over Japan. The kids
are wearing neck braces,

like prostetic shoes and
different types of hands.

- Ah well. I guess I'm in.

- You're on the cutting
edge of fashion.

Oh, look at this, unbelievable.
Oh, solids!

Bless your heart Lenny!

- Well, good luck Dick!

- Good luck to you, or whatever. pHey Lenn?

What are you doing tomorrow?

- What do you mean?

- I'm kind of on this
bizarre

accidental vision quest,

and I got a wine tasting
tomorrow,

and I thought maybe you would
want to ...

I don't know. Come with me.

- Oh god, that sounds
great.

But I'm booked. I'm catering
this big event for a guy.

- Gotcha. No worries.
We got it. No big deal.

- His wife died.

- Really? You know some guys
have all the luck.

- It was terrible, you
know

her face got chopped off
by an airplane propeller.

- You're kidding me.

So it's going around?
- Yeah.

- So you can, come with me? Or
you can't?

Come on!
- All right. I'm in.

- Yeah!

It'll be fun, I promise.

- Wow.

Ready to get drunk?

- Hey where's your hat?
- My hat? I usually don't wear
it in public.

- Why it's a great hat!

Really, you think so? Me too.
Claire hates it, she calls it
my douchebag hat.

- Oh I don't think it has
anything to do with that.

- Oh funny, get in the bus.

Hey can you turn this up?

You like this song?
Yeah, I like it a lot.

Is this your jam? That's cool.

- What? A girl can't like
gangster rap?

- No, a girl can like gangster
rap.

A girl like you, can't like
gangster rap.

- Let me blow your mind,
are you ready for this?

I used to be in all girl
country gangster

rap band.

- Bull shit.
- Honest.

- You were never were in a
country all girl gangster rap
band.

- I was.
No I don't believe you.

I don't even
want to hear anymore.
- Whatever.

- Just be quiet. No one needs
pretty girls spitting lies all
over the place.

Give me the name of the band
and three tracks right now.

- We were the DLP. Three
tracks?

Top That Guy, Two at Once, and
Bitches Gotta Eat.

- What did the DLP stand for?

- I don't know you well
enough.

- Alright nevermind.
- Dick Lovin' Posse.

- Really?
- Yeah! We were young!

- This feels good to me
now.

Now I feel not so worried.

Because at first, when you got
on the bus you seemed

in a bad mood but now we're
going to have fun.

Let's go! Why aren't we
drinking yet?

- I'm going to turn this
wine into a cocktail.

This is where I do my thing. Now the party is about to start. p- You've lost your mind.

Holy crap. That's awful.

Are you okay?

- I'm a huge fan.
Thank you.
- I mean I loved your show.

- I just,
I love everything about you.

Thank you. Thank you.

What was that?
- I don't know, we
should go outside.

What was that?
- I don't know what to
tell you.

I think she thinks I'm somebody else. p- Okay I'm going to go.

Thank you!

I didn't want to raise him in
Atlanta, and my husband had
family out here.

And I thought this seems
like a really great place

for a kid to grow up.

- Huh. I didn't know you had a
kid.

That's cool.
- Stewart. Ten. He's a cool
dude.

He's weird but he's cool.
- Yeah.

Oh I got to sit my ass down for
a second.

- You okay?
- Yeah fine.

So what happened to your husband, did he split? p- Not exactly.

I mean he kind of split. He died.
- Jesus Christ, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that was graceless.
- It's okay.

Not that face please.

Why does everyone always
assume it's such a sad story.

It wasn't a great marriage.
He wasn't a great man.

I mean don't get me wrong
it's not like I hated him
or anything.

He was a good father.

We should of split up way
before then. And we would've of
but then

he got sick and I spent two
years taking care of him.

I couldn't let him do it alone.

And I put my life on hold, it
was pretty bad.

It was hard on all of us.

But it's better now. It's just
better.

I started this business, and I
got a great kid.

I'm living and doing well.

Who knows maybe someday people
will stop looking at me

like I'm some poor fragile widow.
Like you are right now.

- I am. I'm sorry.

- It's okay. I get it.

Death. It gives us this need to
idealize everything and
everyone.

But the truth and

I'm talking the real truth here
because I've been drinking all
day, and screw it.

I'm happier now than I've ever
been.

was when my husband was alive.

Does that make me a bad person?

- I think it makes you a
fucking fascinating person.

- Okay.

So what about you, big tv star?

What happened to you?

- Indeed.

Claire was my producer and we
fell in love.

And it was great. We got
hitched.

Then the day before

anniversary week, she split.

She had to be pretty desperate
to get out cause

she didn't bother canceling
the anniversary week,

and Claire is not like that.

She's detail oriented. You
worked with her.

- She's got things in order.

- It's just a fucking week.

All you got to do is hug a few
friends,

have some hors d'oeuvres,

pretend you're having a good
time.

- Thanks Bert!
- You're welcome.

- That was fun.
- Yeah. What is this?

Pleasure way, 2004?
- Oh five.

Oh five! This is the bitching
year! - It was Roger's.

Dead husband? Wow he had really
good taste in recreational
vehicles.

Hey hey, can I ask you
something real quick?
- Shoot.

- You think that maybe you'd
want

to do an interview with me for
my new show?

I know its a strange question.
- I don't know.

It's no big deal, no pressure,
you, me, a microphone.

We shoot the shit for a little while.
- Why me?

- Cause I like the stories
that you tell.

I'm going to have to get back
to you on that.

- Alright get back to me. Sure
you don't want to go

do some donuts with Bert in the
Safeway parking lot?

Come on!
- I got to get some sleep.
- Ok.

See you later. I had fun too!
- Alright!

Alright Bert, get my broken ass
home.

- Claire?
- Dick?

- Hey. Hello?

- Hi, it's me, it's Lenny.

- Oh. Hey!
- Hey!

You are an extremely aggressive
caterer.

I think I made myself pretty
clear that I don't need any
more food.

- Um no, that's not it.
- Ok.

- Um I need to ask you
for a favor.

- Is this? A booty call?

- No.
- You're calling for
sexual favors and I'm not sure

I'm actually fine with it. I'm
ok. Ask the favor.

- Ok, I hope this isn't too
weird, but

I have this big meeting
tomorrow.

With a new client. It
just came up and I..

I don't, I tried every... I
don't have anyone.

- Do you want me to watch your
kid for you? Is that what
you're asking?

- Yeah.
- Done.

It's... Lenny fine.

See, I can watch your kid.
Absolutely, no problem.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure. Yeah kids
love me.

- Ok cool. I mean I don't want
to you know, interrupt your

unintentional vision quest
or whatever.

- no, you're not going to
mess up anything.

Tomorrow is bunch of crap at
the house anyway.

It's various sporting
activities around the Roman's
property.

Drop the kid off and he'll be
my competition.

- Ok.
- Yeah?

That would be fun I think for
him, I don't know.

- Is that good? Is it
great? Are you relieved that
I'm doing that for you.

- I am I really
appreciate it.

I have to ask you a question.

Are you going to drink any more
tonight?

Mmmm, nope.

- Alright.

- I'm probably just going to
hit the sack. - Ok.

- Are you sure it's
not too weird?

- No, it's super weird but that's
what life is, right?

I mean, it's really weird. You
don't know me, I could be a
psycho.

I could have seventeen bodies
buried underneath the house.

- Stop please, this is
hard enough for me as it is.

- You stop. I'm joking. I don't
have seventeen bodies buried
underneath my house.

I have sixteen actually. Your
son would be the seventeenth.

You didn't think that's funny at
all did you? Ok.

Okay. Come on. You laughed a
little bit I know you did.

- Ok, bye.
- Ok, bye bye.
- Thanks Dick.

- You're welcome Lenny. You're
welcome.

- What are you doing?
- What?

- You say goodbye and
then people hang up.

- Oh yeah.
- I'm hanging up now
goodbye.

- Ok bye.

- Today I talk life,
death, and axes with financial
hatchet man

Dag Tomaz and debate advanced M
theory with physicist slash pop

superstar Ashoki Sen
or none of the above.

Dag! Welcome to the show.

- And its all about
aligning yourself

with what is happening at the
moment, always being in the
moment.

- Mmm Hmmm. Can you help
me this Torsten?

- Do you have a
problem with it?

- I have a huge problem with
it, because while you were
talking

I was drifting off thinking
about my laundry.

- Where did you go?
- To the dry cleaner.

Was that a sexual relationship?
- We were intimate briefly.

- You just outed Marina
Abramovich.

It was like going to Baskin
Robbins and having a small
sample.

- It was just a small taste.
- It was a taste of something.

- Do you know what I do when I
got to Baskin Robbins and I
have a taste?

I say I'll have the blueberry
cheesecake surprise and they
give me

a little bit of it and I go
ah God! That's
disgusting.

You serve this shit?! And then
I leave. They hate that.

Hey listen, talk to me about
what the hells going on

between you and Michio?

- I mean he's the Dane Cook of
astrophysicists. A sell out.

- See its stuff like that,
that's gets us into trouble.
What are you doing?

- Good Lord!
- Fight the real enemy!
- And or none of the
above.

We're never coming back on tv
again, we're done.

So you were the guy with the prairie dog?
- Pretty much.

- Cause I have my own prairie
dog, I don't know if you know
this.

- Oh, you do?

Yeah, live via Skype, from Las
Vegas, pornography super star
Prairie Dog!

- PD!
- What's up Dick!

- What's up buddy see what I got on set?
- what the hell is that thing?

- That's a prairie dog, that's
a real prairie dog and you're a
sex prairie dog.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

In the American

propaganda war Dick, you, you
are a domestic terrorist.

- We'll be back! Irving Petty.
- And we're clear!
- Thank god.

Not right now.
Get Claire on the phone for me
please.

Claire, why are there no
writers on the goddamn floor
right now?

Cause is it your fucking show
or is it my fucking show? Cause
I'm not...

that's a whole other thing now.
- Fifteen seconds
- Oh goddamn it!!

- What are charging for this
piece of shit? Thirty seven
fifty?

U. S. Dollars? Yeah, because
I'm done with you.

Get the fuck off my show, get
him off.

I'm your guest. You invited me.
- You in fact are not my
guest.

So please find an exit. I'm
done. Craig? He's done.

Dick you can't light that in
here.

Don't tell me what I can and
cannot light in my own goddamn
show.

This is my show!

- What are you doing?
- Want to see what I can light?
I'll show you what I can light.

Alright light this bitch on fire.
- Now you're a book burner,
congratulations.

- It's burning!
That's it, your book is on
fire.

Don't you dare, don't you dare
do it. I started the fire!

I started the fire! I started
the fire!

- Come on, time to wake
up

we got people coming over.

- This is an adventure
right? So call me if you need
anything.

- Good morning
everybody!

- Hey douchebag.
- Hey how's it going
champ?

Oh Stewart, sorry, Stewart.
- Stewart is a little...

I think you guys are going to
get along just fine.

- Oh yeah we're going to be great.
- Yeah. You good?

I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.

- Thanks. You know.

Alright, have fun!
- Bye mom!

What sort of stuff are you into Stewart?P- I don't know, do you have apfrisbee?

- Do I have a frisbee? No I
don't have a frisbee but they
got ultimate frisbee on tv.

We could watch that.
- They don't have
ultimate frisbee.

- Oh yeah you don't
think so?

I bet, what if I showed you?
Would you believe me then?

How about boxing?
- Yeah.

- You like boxing?
Alright let's do it.

Right, right,

Good, right, right, right.

Didn't see that coming? Always got to look...
Argh!

- What the hell did you do?
- We were boxing.

- It's a common mistake with
this kind of knee injury.

Everybody goes back to boxing a
little too soon.

Fucking moron.
The cat looks like a
jerk.

- What?
- It looks mean.

- Tugger?
- Tugger?

Tugger looks like an
asshole.

Well what do you know about
cats?

- I know what they look like
when they're going to scratch
you.

- That cat would lay
down his goddamn life for me.

- I don't think so.

- You little shit.
- Okay, no, no, no.

It's best for him to be in the
waiting room.

Let's go Stewart, go. I'll be
out there in a second bud.

- Somebody should have a few
words with that kid. I mean you
can't just insult a man's cat.

- You're on the knee, Doc.
- Are you all out of your
pussy cream?

- I could probably use another
tube.

- Yeah I thought maybe you
could. I'm going to need to see
you in a couple days.

- Oh shit.

So do you think my mom is cute
or something?

- Ummmm.

I have never thought about it,

whether she was cute or not.

Why do you think she's cute?
- No, she's my mom.

- Right. Yeah, of
course.

It's a stupid question. I
don't know why I asked that
question.

- Mom's a pretty good
cook but she cuts herself a lot.

There's probably a lot of blood
in that food that she gave you.

- Really?
- Yeah really.

- Thank you for the
heads up. That's disgusting.

- Yeah.
- Glad I have the information.
- Yeah.

- What is your deal
Stewart? Hmm?

I never saw my doctor get so
pissed off. And I got you tell
you,

I like pissing him off.

- You know every day
is like the same.

It makes me mad.

- You what the bad news is?
- What?

That feeling doesn't ever go
away.

You know what the good news
is?

- No.

- In a few years, you'll
be old enough you can drink.

- How is that going to help?
- Trust me. It helps.

Have you figured out this maze
yet?

- No.

- This is the hardest
maze I've ever done in my life.

Yeah, you know what, can I talk
to you for a second?

Watch this. Watch and learn.

- Hi!
- Hi how are you?

- Great how are you?

- Oh we're great. We're working
on this mazes over here,

and we're having some trouble
getting out.

- What do you mean?

- Well we wondered if you maybe
had some sort answer key

or maybe a cheat sheet we could
look at and figure out how to

get out of the maze.

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Has anyone ever solved
the maze?

- I don't know.

You don't know. Jump and down
and say yeah we got out!

Yeah, I don't know.

Do you just keep saying I don't
know? I mean you can't hand out
broken mazes to kids

cause then they wind up heart
broken and looking like this
kid looks right now.

Look at him, he's wrecked. You
did that. It's not right.

It's not right.

- Do you want some
coffee?

- No, don't need a
coffee.

Be great to have a maze we can
get out of.

- Yeah I bet. So can
you clear up those crutches?

Cause they're blocking the
walkway.

- Asshole.
- Thank you.

You talking about her right?

Up high.

Hey, hey listen hold on a
second.

Tell me what you have Neil give
me some good news

because I swear to God, I'm
completely in the dark.

- Yeah Dickie listen, I spoke to
Claire's lawyers.

She doesn't want to see you,
doesn't want to talk to you,

she doesn't want arbitration,
doesn't want mediation, and...

- Jesus Christ

- And uh, Dickie,
there's worse news.

- Oh great, as long as there's
worse news, let's hear it.

- Normally I wouldn't
bring this up,

but I read your horoscope this
morning. And this is literally,

the worst month in twelve years
for you to be getting a
divorce.

And I'm not talking about the
horoscopes in the back of some
bullshit LA times, Dickie.

This is the guy that Ronald Regan
used.

- Oh fantastic
- Imagine that, okay?

- Exclusive club,
members only invited.

This is the worst time for you
to be thinking about getting a
divorce.

- I don't have a lot of
control over that Neil.

Maybe buy her something,
something meaningful.

I use Etsy, are you familiar
with Etsy? This woman,

this lady makes personalized
baskets, handmade they're
wonderful.

Maybe you should think about
getting Claire that? You know?

It'll show her that you're
trying.

- Um, I don't even know
what to say to that.

How do I pull that off exactly
when she doesn't want to have
contact with me?

Now you're telling me that I
should get her a fruit basket.

Based on Ronald Reagan's horoscope.
They're not just baskets
Dickie, they're

customized to the individual.
- Let me ask you
something. Is this the top

This is the good stuff?
- I'm sorry Dickie okay?

This is hard on all of us pal.
I mean you and Claire are that
couple.

If you two can't make it work
than what hope do me and Julie
have?

I'm fucked. You know that?
- Yeah I am too. I gotta
go.

Goodbye.

- Shhh. He's sleeping.

Wow. He's out?
- Out.

They like each other. Come on.

- So how'd it go?

- It went really well. You know what I did? p What?

I had him bake cookies for you.
- You guys baked cookies?

Yeah you got to taste one of
those.

They are horrible. Right?

- What? Oh my god.

- That's the worst
cookie.

There's a urine kind of
taste to them. I don't know how
you get that in a cookie.

- Why did you make me eat that?

- Your son made those. He takes after you.p- No.

- No, he doesn't. Cause you
actually cook really well. How
did it go today?

- Good, yeah, it was a tasting

for a big country club wedding
and I nailed it.

- Course you did.
- Yeah.

That it might be fun to do that
thing.

You know the interview thing
that you were talking about.

- Yeah

- You know, if you were serious.
- Dead serious.

- Let me know.
- Okay, I'll let you know right
now

You mean you want to do it
right now?

Yeah, let's do it right now.

Ok, he's drunk. He's been
drinking all day, he's not
going anywhere.

Come on, it'll be a blast.
- Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Today.

Is April 11th, could you state
your name for the record please?

Lenny Jane Wright.
- Lenny Jane Wright.

What should we talk about today?
We could talk about boxing,

we could talk about cats.
We could talk about cat boxes.
We could talk about..

Only children, single mothers
milk of human kindness, the DLP?

Coincidence.
- Let's talk about coincidence.

I was almost an Icelander.

That might be my favorite
sentence I have ever heard.

When I was in the
fifth grade, um..

my father was in between jobs

and he worked with computers
and satellites.

And he got this job offer in
Iceland.

So he hired me and my brother
and an Icelandic tutor.

And we spent the entire summer

three days a week learning
Icelandic with Johannes

- Ah Johannes.

Anyway, so he was a college student
on break touring America

and he became part of the
family.

He put part of his trip on hold
so that he could stay

and teach us and get us ready.

Because Georgia to Iceland that
is a huge adjustment.

- That's a big jump.
- Yeah.

Anyway my father, he goes over
there

to look for a house and to get
us into school

and when he comes back

he shows us this super 8 mm
film that he shot

of this street festival in
Reykjavik.

And there is no sound, so
Johannes is talking us through
it

and he's telling us all

about about the city, and the
food.

and the clothing and all of a
sudden

he just starts crying.

Nobody knows what is going on.

And he just gets up and he
leaves.

And we don't hear from him for
like a week.

And one night my dad gets this
call and Johannes went back to
Iceland.

Now um, the reason was because,

the film my dad showed us.

of the street festival,

in the crowd

Johannes saw his fiancè

making out with his best friend.

- Ouch.
- Yeah.

That's my first memory of
anything completely true.

It was proven right there in
front of all us.

It was real.

Just like your final show.

The one that never aired.

- Truthfully, there
wasn't much to air.

- January 13, 2012.

- You've done your
homework.

- The day that your show died.

was the same day that my
husband died.

January 13, 2012.

It can't just be coincidence.

It's the truth.

And it's not good.

It's not beautiful. It's just
true.

I feel like

life keeps showing me this over
and over again.

I don't know what it means.

Maybe that's why we're here.

To figure it out.

You like it?
- Sort of.

- Not a hundred percent?
- Yeah.

- You spoil him.
- He's a good kid.

- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Thanks yeah.

- Oh give me a hug.

Thanks.
- Yeah..

oh, okay... hey! Wow.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm sorry.

- Lenny?

Ok, it's really narrow, you
want to watch out going back.
- I got it!

- It's all right, take it slow
through
that it's really narrow.

What?
- Please hold for Mr.
Young.

- Are you ignoring me?
- No I'm sorry.

- No, no I'm sorry for even
bothering to do this.

Did you get any of my texts?

- Yeah I got your texts,
I miss you too.

I got a lot going right on now
Jaron.

- Shit. I got a lot
going on too. That's why I need
to see you.

I need to break bread with my
favorite egghead.

- I'm kind of on lock
down now buddy. It's
complicated.

Life is complicated. Hey man,

have you read the trades
lately? Do you have any idea

what's going on in this
industry that you are a part
of?

If not, let me explain it to
you Dick.

As of a few days ago, I'm
officially president of the
network.

- Hey Congratulations!
Good for you.

- Yes, yes, and now I'm
on the phone with you.

Should I be flattered?

Yes, mother fucker, you should
be flattered.

In fact you should be on an
airplane heading to Los Angeles

to come sit down with me.

- Oh boy that sounds
tempting.

- Good I'm sending you
a ticket.

- Oh no, now you can't,
cause my mailbox got wiped out
in a twister

- An e-ticket stupid.

- What do you want to
see me for? That bridge is
burned.

- The bridge is mine
now, I'm the one who says

if it's it burnt or not. Okay?

Right now I say the bridge is
not burned.

What don't you understand about
me being president?

So come on man, stop playing
around. You owe me a one on one.

I need to see your face.

- Then Skype me and
we'll have a little
conversation over Skype.

- Hey, hey, don't nobody
use Skype no more.

Why do you got to be so
obstinate from Jump Street,
Dick?

- I'm not being
obstinate.

- No, no, see this right here,
this behavior right here

is why people passionately
don't like you.

okay, why people like me have
to fight for dumb asses like
you.

- But I didn't ask you
to fight for me.

- Shhh. Stop it. Okay.

Cause you wouldn't know what is
good for you if it was blowing
you.

I do. I know what's good for
you.

This is what love feels like.

Bring your ass down to L.A.

- Listen,
congratulations on the
promotion.

- Thank you.

And here's my advice, when
they push you out of the window

which they're going to do.

Try to aim for the bodies of
your predecessors,

that'll soften the blow.

- I'll keep that in mind. Now
my advice to you.

When your friend who also
happens to be the President

of a network tells you that
this is your last chance

he's not fucking around.

I will see you Thursday at
eleven a.m.

- Dick.
- Lenny.

I think we should probably talk
about yesterday

Can I just, for a real quick...

...about yesterday and the kiss.
The attempted kiss.

It was all my fault.

It was a compulsiveness and
or impulsiveness on my part

and we're not even that. It was
an attraction, in the moment.

I was feeling an attraction
towards you

but I shouldn't have

I shouldn't have done that.

I never had to apologize

for trying to kiss somebody
before so it's a little weird.

- Weird?
- It's not about the
kiss though

I mean it is, and I'm sorry I
don't want to take away from
that

I have been giving this a lot
of thought and what I've come
up with is

I'm having legitimate feelings
for you

- Legitimate feelings?

- Romantic, love
feelings.

- No.
- No, no, you got to
hear me out.

Please Lenny

- No, Dick, this is
bull shit.

- No its not bullshit.

- Oh yeah, it is, it's bull
shit. I don't need to hear it.

What makes you think you have
legitimate love feelings?

Everything. You.

We're in all girl gangster rap
band

and so many things. You like my
hat.

Your son is super cool.
Stewart. And he's always saying
asshole.

and I think that's funny. And I
really, I like your food.

And I love the way that you
tell stories and Lenny I think

that you and I are are funny
and sad in the same way.

- Okay.

What's your problem?
Which one?

No jokes asshole. I'm trying to
raise a kid here,

I'm trying to keep a business
afloat.

You think you're going to knock
on my door

and sweep me off my feet.
Because I said I liked your hat?

Or am I just some twitchy
blonde that is going

to jump into your arms because
after three days

you think you have romantic
love feelings.

Your wife just left you. Grow
the fuck up Romans.

I don't need this particularly
headache in my life right now.

You're not going to complete
me.

Oh god.

It's fine.. it's fine.

I love you

I love you too

Thank you

- That's a great painting

- There's a crazy story behind that painting. p- Oh yeah?

- What?
- Are you going to tell
me the story?

- Do you want to hear it? - Ok.

- I was in Costa Rica and I was
on a bus that broke down

right outside of

so this chick, she wanders off
the bus

I think to get some fresh air,
stretch her legs.

She steps right into a fox
trap.

You know your brother, man, I
just go into hero mode.

I didn't do anything medical or
that great

I just fashioned her a
tourniquet from some cocoa bolo
branches.

Sprinkled water on her lips,
- Kept her hydrated.

- I let her use my ipod

Because I think that music has
a really calming soothing
effect

on people. There were tracks
that I were working on

they weren't mastered so I was a first a little..

She didn't seem to mind too
much.

She was screaming pretty loud.
I don't even know if she heard
the music.

After she got out of the
hospital, she invited me to
stay with her.

Which was super cool you know,
she had this rad little place
on the beach

You would have really dug it.
We just lived, man and hung out.

And I made music.

And she painted, we laughed,
and we made love every day.

Mostly in the mouth because I
couldn't stand to look at her

from the waist down because it
was really tough

her leg was so disgusting.

To me, it's life

It's sort of wobbly and
unpredictable

but you have to embrace it.

Before I spilt I stole that
painting.

So was next for you? Didn't you
have this sort of deal going
down

- At the network maybe,
who cares, it's probably just a
run around, it doesn't matter.

- No it does, you have
to stay positive with this kind
of thing.

- Do you have to really?
Staying positive can help you?

- I think it would be great,
you know change of scenery for
you,

come out to L.A., kind of boost
your energy a little bit.

LA is great for that what
would be cool

is you'd be here for the birth
too

- Birth? Of what?

- Baby's due in early
September.

- What are... I'm just
not sure what the fuck you're
talking about man.

- Lydia is pregnant.

- Oh.

Who's Lydia?

Lydia is my lady.

And she's pregnant with your
baby. That's what you tell me
right now,

that you're going to have a
baby in a couple months.

That's it. This is the first
time I'm hearing about this
Mick.

- I thought I told you.

- Dude!

Come here, really?

- Yeah. Surprised you.

- It's beautiful man,
it's beautiful.

And crazy and funny.

And sad.

- Why sad?

I don't know. I don't even know
why I said it.

I really don't

- cause I know what you
mean.

- It's weird right?

It is a little sad.

- You know what have
been really sweet is if I was

good enough husband to get one
of those mugs

that says world's greatest
husband.

- I got seven Grammys.

- Seven Grammys?
- So what.

- So what?

- I tell you so what, it
feels great.

- It's not about the
mugs,

I don't care about the mugs.

I'm lost. I'm stuck.

- I'm like in a maze.

I was in Glastonbury for a
little

it was a little festival,
there's was I party I wound up
at

over at Annie Lennox's castle,
and she has this hedge maze.

It's one of these traditional
old fashioned

it was real, there I was in the
middle of this hedge maze

and I'm not doing too well.

I kind of stop, and I plant
myself

because I don't want get any
further in.

Anyway, here comes Annie Lennox

and she grabs my hand and looks
me directly in the eyes

she said put your hand on the
maze wall

and you leave it there.

As long as you have your hand
on the wall and keep moving,

you'll find your way out.

Oh man. It was amazing.

- So you made it out of
the maze?

- No, I don't believe I
did.

- I think it might be
time for bed.

- Look they might be
using Jaron to lure me down
here so they can

take turns throwing cinder
blocks at me. If things get
ugly

I want you to start kicking
some throats.

Oh oof.

By chance do you have one of
those mini scissors, the travel
size?

I don't want to pull this.
Lose a button.

No?

Gentleman, Mr. Young is ready
for you.

- Where is he? There's
my..

What the hell?
- I know.

- what you Robo Cop, you Steve
Austin?

You got like a fake eye and
shit. What happened to you?

- You think that's bad
you should have seen the bear I
strangled.

- In the mountains?
- Yeah big old black
bear.

- Oh you said it was a black
bear. You stupid...

You're strangling gummy bears.

You got a belly and shit.
Alright you guys, Harvard,
Columbia, Wharton,

Columbia, Wharton,

meet Dick Romans and his man,
Neil something.

- It's Caroline.

- Nice to meet you.
- Really great to meet you.

- Oh, okay

- Well listen man, this
is what happens when you're good

when you stay in Los Angeles,
you could keep your head out of
your ass,

and frankly

don't set shit on fire.

- Well let me be the
first one to say that the chair
fits you.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Thank you brother
- Congratulations

I only have one question.

And that is what the fuck am I
doing here?

This brings back bad memories.

I got your show. We've got your
show.

We've got your shit. It's huge.

This is the show that your
momma popped you out of the
belly for.

You're home.

And your safe. Your boy's
president.

Can I get my pitch on.

- Sure.

You remember we used to talk
about the info-tainment shows
of the seventies?

Real People, That's Incredible,
even 60 Minutes right?

You know they interviewed
people on a quest to find a
real America.

On our show, our quest is to
find the real Dick Romans.

Okay?

It's all about you.

Alright this is your chance to
shout from the rooftop, push
the envelope, show the world

who you truly are, show them
the things that you like...

- The look on your face?

What is that?
- I'm thinking. It's a
lot to process.

- Yeah well process
saying yes, because that happens
only one in million

this is a new beginning for you
Dickie, you need this.

- Yeah, how do you know
it's not a dead end?

- It's not a dead end. We
got a lot of work to do,

I got to get you complete
control. I'm going to send a
lot of emails right now,

have her start draft up the
paperwork. This is really
exciting stuff Dickie.

- What's the matter with
me?

Why I am here?

- Why are you here?
You're starting over.

- I don't want to start
over.

Is Claire in Los Angeles?

- Yeah but she's not
going to talk to you.

I don't need her to talk to me.

I just want her to sit down.

Could you do that for me?

- I can try.

Yeah.

Let's go this way.

Okay, can I go now?

Okay, let's do it.

- What's today?
- Fourteenth.

- Happy anniversary.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I loved you with everything
that I had

and I'm just starting to
understand that I didn't have
very much.

- Dick?
- Lenny.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm sorry for disturbing you,
I just had a really quick
question that I wanted to ask.

- Could I say something first?
- Sure.

- It's just that

you know, last time you came by

I couldn't do that right then.
Okay?

My mind couldn't do that.

I just couldn't process the
idea of a romantic gesture

from you

or anybody, or nobody

You know what I mean?
- I do.

- The idea of being kissed

It just felt so wrong

With all the unhappiness

death and the guilt.

But I turned all that, I shut
it off

all that stuff

You started fiddling with all
those knobs

and it really just kind of
pissed me off.

Does any of this make any sense?
- Total sense.

Okay.

I've been giving it a lot of
thought.

I think that we could be good
friends
- Yeah.

and if we're good friends then
who knows what.
- Who knows?

I think you're a good man.

- Thank you.

- I like you.
- I like you too.

Was there something you wanted
to say?

- Oh, I just joined up
with the fire patrol

and was just making sure that
your brush was cut back to the
legal standard

and you're doing fine.
- Thank you.

Carry on ma'am, your brush is...
- Just tell me.

- No, I don't think I
can. Probably better if I don't.

- Speak.

- You ever consider
selling the RV?

To me.

- It's not for sale.
- Okay, I was just
checking.

Of course it's not for sale.
Ok yeah.

I was just checking. I know
it's weird. But thanks though.

We're going to be in touch in
soon right?

We'll go on one of our famous
wine tasting expeditions.

- Dick?

- Yep?

You could borrow it.

- I could borrow it.

Yeah.

Alright.

Ready to go?

- Ah dammit.