Original subtitles

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[ding]

Carm.

Carm.

[stapler]

You stupid fucking--

[stapler]

[laughter]

Shit.

Carm, I'm not playing.

[stapler]

[laughter]

Carm.

Red falcon, this is blue dildo.

My cover's been blown.

Carm, I said meet me downstairs in five minutes,

it's 20 minutes later.

What are you doing?

Dude, Charlie's everywhere.

Can you hear the choppers? - Carm.

Get your ass down.

Carm.

Carm, I have a final tonight. OK?

I don't have time to dick around.

Dude, relax, man.

They're in a meeting with all the sales reps.

[laughter] Dude, five minutes.

Did you see him?

[laughter]

I'm gonna give you five seconds.

Come on. Five.

Just leave me here, man.

Four.

An, just leave me here.

- Three. - Go on without me.

Two. One.

Come on.

Ow!

Why you hitting yourself, man?

An, stop hitting yourself.

[laughter]

Hey, I thought you two had a wall to wall in Port Jeff.

I told you, asshole.

[smack]

Ow, An started it.

Let me deal with it, huh?

Woo!

Dudes!

Down by one.

Let me think about it.

Hey boys, you got 48 and a one to leave,

and 26 in the stain guard.

Dude.

[screaming]

With rayon coming back, got us in free.

If you don't like it, you can walk.

You mother fucking freaking asshole.

Come on, keep moving.

[bang]

Oh.

[tires squealing]

Where are we putting this?

Shove it up your ass, I don't care.

[yelling]

Oh!

I won!

No, I was up.

[coughing]

Oh, my freaking knee is killing me.

Anthony Marconi.

[camera]

Thanks to the family, baby.

[cheering]

What is with [inaudible].

Come on!

I'm trying to eat.

By your brother, by your brother.

Dawn, stop come on.

[laughter]

Yeah!

I'm Joe Conte Senior, Long Island's carpet king.

Hey, Joe Junior, tell them why I'm so excited!

Jesus, can you even believe this nonsense?

Big summer sale!

Berber, once $8.99, get out of here!

Now it's $5.99!

And that was $9.99--

Well that was just fucking stupid.

Hey, watch your mouth.

He's right, though.

They're throwing their money away on that bologna.

And don't forget about our weekly specials!

What do we go this week, grandma?

Shag.

Grandma my ass.

I saw her in a beer commercial last week.

[laughter]

Just wasting money.

It's garbage.

I don't know, Gramps.

They must be doing something right,

I mean, they got two new stores.

Maybe we should start thinking about doing some P and M

ourselves.

P and M?

Promotions and marketing, what I went to school for.

- All right, I'll do it. - Carm.

Jerry, what'd I tell you?

The big college degree, and now we're never

going to hear the end of it.

Dad, I'm just saying, you move Beans into the field--

Yeah, I'm not working with that jack off.

Come on, Anthony, you know we need you out there.

You're the best installer we got.

Yeah, yeah.

and you've been telling me since I was 16.

Hey, I banged for 25 years and I

had you two brats while I was out there

with the kicker in the trim.

Complain, complain.

You hear that?

Classic.

Dad, I'm just saying, I know what I'm talking about.

This is what I went to school for.

Anthony, OK, do me a favor, it's a party, not now, OK?

Dad's right, come on.

No argument, let's celebrate.

Everybody outside.

Watch the leg.

Watch the leg.

Everybody outside.

Everybody.

Do you want to sit out cake?

Anthony, come on.

Come on.

Let's go.

Listen, don't say anything.

[pop]

Ow!

Party's over.

MR. MARCONI: Carmine, where's the [inaudible]..

CARMINE: Oh, Dad, I think I ate it.

MR. MARCONI: I'm telling you, you smoke a pot,

I'm going to throw you out the fucking window.

Anthony!

Anthony!

Who's the one who wanted a pool?

MRS. MARCONI: Yeah, but I mean, it's a shared responsibility.

MR. MARCONI: No, I've been doing it by myself, and I don't mind,

but I need help now.

Anthony!

[door slamming]

[doorbell]

Hello, Mr. Burns?

Let's just sneak in the back, man.

Oh, fuck.

We gotta get out of here, man.

Just like freaking Fusco did?

Goes out to Maine, nice home and two, three grand a week.

What do you know about lobsters, huh?

What's there to know, man.

You go out, you drop the trap, you haul them in.

I hear it's all you can eat too.

You know, lobster bisque, lobster salad,

think about it man, lobster foo young, lobster freaking foo

young.

Just hold up your end of the load, please.

One, two.

[splash]

Shit.

Shut up.

Echo!

Yeah, so you can get the padding from the truck.

Oh!

42 inches, man.

Dolby surround.

That's what I'm talking about!

[phone ringing]

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello, you've reached Video by Louis.

Please leave your name and wedding date after the beep.

[beep]

WOMAN ON VOICEMAIL: Want to do the laundry?

I'm sick of this sheet.

Call me.

Au revoir.

Whoa.

Oh.

You dirty old snuka.

Hi, how are you?

I'm OK.

Everything came out beautifully.

OK.

CARMINE: What the hell is that?

Oh my god.

We were set up on a blind date by my sister

and her best friend's husband who works with Brian.

And he walked in the door of the restaurant,

and I kind of had this really crazy feeling.

[fast forwarding]

An!

An!

An!

What do you want?

CARMINE: Look down here, man.

What are you doing down there?

Hello.

What the hell are you doing?

Do a little dance for me.

Can you put that away, please?

What are you doing touching that?

Dude, check this out, man.

You look like a freaking movie star.

Yeah, it's out of focus, Einstein.

Real nice.

For the record, when's the last time you got laid.

- All right, give me that. - Come on, man.

All right.

Give it to me.

But get me from my good side.

Ow.

That's pretty nice.

I know.

The place is like a freaking movie studio over here.

All right.

[barking]

Relax.

Sheesh.

Stay out of the RV, you bastard.

[barking]

[laughter]

Yeah that's a sweet one.

OK do it again.

Ready?

One, two.

[laughter]

Hey

Oh, god.

Hey.

Who the hells down here?

[rewinding]

What the hell?

[music]

Get out!

Get out!

Get on your freaking belly!

Right now!

Stay down!

Oh my god.

What the hell are you doing here?

Well we're the guys from the carpet store.

I don't give a shit who you are.

What the hell are you doing here?

I was just looking for the bath--

Hey!

Where did that come from?

This?

I picked that up--

I know where it came from.

You don't touch.

You hear me?

Yeah.

[slam]

[whimpering]

What's your bosses number?

What is the number?

The number!

It's 5 5 5 5 5 5 5.

But let me talk to him, because--

Get back down there!

All right, you want to play games, huh?

You want to play games?

I got a game for you.

It's called 911.

No sir, please, please, please, don't.

Please, please.

We have a perfectly good reason for being down here.

There is no good reason, pal.

OK, but just hear me out.

OK?

Just hear me out, please.

And then if you're not satisfied, you can do whatever.

OK?

Two minutes.

OK.

What happened was, this morning, our father, Mr. Marconi,

he's the boss.

And he calls us into his office, and he

says, boys I want you to shoot a commercial for the store.

Right, it's on account of Conte Carpet.

They got this ad campaign and they're really killing us.

Right and we came down here and we saw all the stuff.

And granted, we may have gotten way ahead of ourselves.

You're damn right you did.

But we see you have the best equipment here.

The best. Right?

- Absolutely, man. - Right?

Yeah.

Like you got the cameras with three chips and the DVD

VHS high speed duping.

And-- - Dubbing.

- That's what I said, man. - It's called--

Right.

And you don't touch.

You see that baby over there?

Not even on the market yet.

I know, I know, I know.

He keeps telling me.

He's like, this stuff isn't even in stores yet.

You know? It's very cool.

- Yeah, but we're impressed. - Oh, yeah.

You're totally high tech here, man.

Yeah, well, I upgraded to HD.

Yeah.

I bet this bad boy right here, he probably set you

back more than a few nickels.

That bad boy can do over three million wipes.

We're very impressed.

Very impressed.

There's, you know, already a few ideas

we've been working on, right Carm?

Oh, yeah.

Quite a few.

For example, picture a boxing ring.

OK?

It's made entirely out of carpet.

Now, you bring our dad in, he's dressed like a boxer.

He's got the teeth guard, OK, he's got the head gear,

USA shorts, gloves, you know?

Don't tell me, kaboom, he knocks out the competition,

right?

That's brilliant.

That's very good, yes, that's very good.

Palermo Pools did it in '98.

[phone ringing]

No way, really?

[foreign language]

Thank you, baby.

Video by Louis.

Yes, Sasha.

How you doing?

MR. BURNS: It's this weekend.

Carmine, this is Anthony.

Sasha, you're really hanging me out to dry here.

Yes, of course, I need you, you stupid freaking Polack.

You're not Polish, are you?

What am I talking about?

Macaroli, right?

You're free this weekend?

Yes.

Actually, we have a big sale going on.

No, no.

Don't you be sorry, Sasha.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I ever hired you two freaking assholes

in the first place.

Are you sure, because I can really

make it worth your while.

Yeah we're sure.

Hey, pop.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing with that?

We're building a robot.

What?

Is that the computer from the store?

Shit.

- Hey, Anthony. - What?

I've got my inventory on that.

Is that the computer from the store?

You want to have a few beers?

Loosen up a little bit?

Carm, this is work.

This ain't a party.

I know, but you've got to be open to my ideas and relax.

I'm relaxed, I just don't want this to take all year.

I want to take the tougher grandma with a [inaudible]..

MRS. MARCONI: He just came in, I'll get him.

Just a second.

Don's on the phone!

I'll call him back!

He'll call you back.

[knocking] [coughing]

CARMINE: What?

MRS. MARCONI: I just brought you some dinner.

- Ma, I'm so busy. - Fine.

So how's it go--

[door slamming]

You going to let me do all the talking?

Yeah, but let me pitch him the script, though.

No. Carmine, don't say anything.

Come on, man.

It's my idea.

I know, but, I just want you to be serious.

All right?

Please.

Go get him, boys.

Thanks.

Conte's steals more and more of our customers every day

they run their ads.

OK?

Look at their market sure, look at their market

share in the month of October.

This is it?

Well, the way I see it is, if we just get 10 new customers.

10.

We're guaranteed to pay off the entire cost

within the first three months.

Did you ever think of air time, bozo?

It's not free.

I mean, what the hell do you guys know about video, anyway?

Well, what I do know is, show him the market share.

It's for October.

Right?

Looks good.

Now show him February.

This is Marconi, Conte.

The Marconi, Conte comparison--

This is now, this is Marconi and this is Conte.

And you see how the two balls is squishing us, Pop?

Right.

And now we show them May.

And the balls are huge.

They're ready with that shipment to Farmingdale.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

OK.

Jimmy, get these off the floor.

Bring them downstairs, do me a favor.

Dad, now's the time we got to strike.

We gotta hit up the airwaves, the cable, the internet,

the whole shebang.

Hey, listen.

We've got an ad in the News Day, we

got an add in the Penny Saver, and we got an ad in the Record.

OK?

In the Record?

That's a two town newspaper, Pop.

That's not good enough.

And we've got the team.

The Little League team?

That that's your big ad?

Yeah, that's like having 25 little billboards

running around.

All this crap's gotta go with the Farmingdale quota.

Dad, you don't get it, do you?

Anthony, look, we're not trying to take over the world.

OK?

This is a small family operation.

And some day when you guys are in charge, you will understand.

OK?

What did I tell you, man?

Hey, you know what?

What do you want now, Anthony?

I quit.

Anthony, you're talking nonsense.

No, no, no. No.

I quit.

You quit?

Then you get your ungrateful ass out of here.

You hear me?

Go!

Get out!

You little brat.

I'll talk to him, Dad.

Anthony!

Anthony!

You're the man, An!

Oh god!

I love this guy! - Stop!

What!

I thought you were going to keep your mouth shut in there.

Dude, come on.

[horn honking]

Moron!

Hey, blow me!

Listen, just give me one second here, all right?

Three seconds.

No, I don't want to give you anything.

Where the hell are you going?

I don't know.

I don't know why I let you drag me here.

Dude, will you just, let me handle this, all right?

Yeah.

[doorbell]

[barking]

Easy, Caesie, easy.

Down, Caes.

Ah!

No, no, no outside.

No outside, Caesar.

What is it, the carpet convention?

Yeah.

No, actually, this is about, this is about the other thing.

Oh you spied, huh?

Down, Caesar, down.

Oh the budget's OK?

Everything came through, huh?

Yeah, no.

I'm actually talking about the other thing.

The other thing from the other night

that you were talking to me the other day,

we were talking about that--

What other, other thing?

The Saturday thing.

Weren't you, weren't you--

[yelling]

[barking]

Get in here.

All right, you wanted to go outside, now stay outside.

I'm sorry, fellas.

I booked a couple of guys from Bay Shore yesterday.

What are you talking about, man?

I'm all set for this weekend.

Louis, come on.

I'll tell you what, if I'm ever in a pinch,

I'll give you guys a ring.

Now, you have to excuse me.

I'm in the middle of a meeting with my secretary.

You didn't even negotiate.

Negotiate?

Carm, you didn't even give us a shot, you didn't even try.

He's got somebody, OK?

You hit him back with a counter offer.

It's a standard business procedure.

It's what you do.

That's glass, Chico.

That's glass, Chico.

Look, Carm, you said you can handle this.

Now prove it to me.

Pst.

Lou, yo.

Lou, over here!

Hey. How you doing?

Are you on drugs?

[honking]

How much you, uh, how much did you pay those new guys?

Why?

Because we'll do it for half.

Uncle Jack, what do you think, huh?

Ties are sharp, right?

You look like a couple of waiters.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have an announcement

we'd like to make. - Announcement!

We, that is, the honorable Carmine Francis Marconi--

Guys!

Guys, come on!

Cut it out!

It's not a rental over here.

And myself, are starting new careers in the video business.

With Louis Burns.

Who the hell is Louis Burns?

He's the island's number one wedding and event videographer.

Three years running.

Number one.

You never thought you'd have kids

in the movie business, huh Pa?

Dominic, Dominic, Dominic.

You remember what we talked about last night?

They don't want to work in the store no more, that's fine.

OK?

But they got to kiss the free room and board goodbye.

You hear me?

So from now on, it's going to be $500 a month each.

Each!

That's a freaking rip off, Pop.

Oh well, I'm sorry.

Then go live with your new friend there, what's his name?

Louis Burns?

Your new pal? Is that the name?

Louis Burns?

MRS. MARCONI: What's the matter with you?

What do you mean what's the matter with me?

Who wants what?

Who wanted a hot dog.

MRS. MARCONI: Just like your father.

You never learn nothing.

You learn?

You go deal with them. Go ahead.

Good.

Go ahead.

Go have a good time with them.

Take them out.

[flies buzzing]

This is the best thing that ever could've happened to us.

OK?

Three grand I'm out on this dump.

I said, I'm going to pay you back for the broker's fee.

All right? What did I tell you?

And the security deposit.

Yes, yes.

And the security deposit.

Yes, yes.

What did I tell you, man?

Uncle Lou Lou was going to hook us up.

What's that smell?

An.

An, you know what that is?

What?

Do you?

That's lobster foo young, man.

That's lobster freaking foo young.

MR. BURNS: I haven't been late in 10 years.

Get in the car!

Shut the door!

All right, listen, you, uh, uh Andrew,

you're in charge of the lights.

This is the signal for on, this is the signal for off.

You got that? - Got it.

[horn]

Yeah, why don't you use your signal, you bastard.

This is freaking awesome.

All right now, this means white card,

this means bring the ladder.

You got that?

This, this me--

Oh, yeah go back and drive in Jersey, you son of a bitch!

Go back to Jersey, you stupid fuck!

MR. BURNS: Yeah?

You want a piece of me?

This is serious.

Dude, I'm establishing a rapport here.

And you, uh, uh, jabber jaws, you're on sound.

I want you to stay close, but not too close.

I want a lot of lead between me and the camera

and you and the boom mic. You got that?

Aye, aye, skipper.

And, uh, fix your tie.

You look like Dean Martin on a bender.

[tires squealing]

Let's go.

You know what the signal for on is?

Is it the ear wiggle or the pumping fist?

Dude, I think we get an entree at this thing.

Carm, please put that away.

No, but just, what are you thinking?

Do you want the prime rib or the red snapper?

You are going to be eyes and my ears.

Everything you see, everything you hear, I want to know.

Joann, you're making me look so good, here.

Wonderful job, darling.

The most important thing is that you keep your head in the game.

Because there are no take twos in this business.

You've got it?

You screw up, you die.

It's that simple.

Come on, buddy boys.

Yo, dude.

Two o'clock.

Then you rewind it.

Lauren, I mean, is i it that difficult?

I don't know. Sorry.

My god.

Right here.

Give me the camera.

Give me the camera, please. - Sure.

- Thank you. - There you go.

Flash is on. - Flash is on?

- Yup. - All loaded up?

- Yup. - Is it?

Andrew, is that it?

The one that had the gear?

I think so.

What do you mean you think so?

You think so or you know so, I haven't

got time for guessing games.

This is a holy altar here.

I'm sorry, Father, that's my bad.

Oh, Father, forgive them.

They know not what they do.

Carmine, this is a trial run, you understand?

And I'm not going back to that store

with my tail between my legs.

I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

All right, good.

I gotcha.

You look good, man.

You look good.

Thanks man, you're not bad yourself.

What about that--

- Listen. - Yeah.

OK, good.

These are your wireless mics.

Yes.

And here are your batteries.

And I need you to go get the boom mic

and meet me outside in five minutes.

- Five minutes. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - All right.

Thanks. - I gotcha.

And the gams, the gams on that photography assistant, my god.

It's freaking, she's got this, like, librarian thing going on.

I bet she's a firecracker in a sack.

Hi, how you doing?

You guys know how to work these things?

What a day, huh?

Try that.

What a day, huh?

Good, with more feeling.

And you guys, you guys, you dust him off as he says it, OK go.

What a day, huh?

That's good.

What an asshole.

Yeah, yeah.

They laugh now, but wait until they see the finished product.

And then it's going to be oh, Mr. Burns, how did you do it?

Oh, Mr. Burns, isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, real wonderful.

Like you didn't steal that shot directly from Bernie Shearer.

Do me a favor, watch where you're going today, huh?

Well, as long as you keep your lights out of my shot,

we're not going to have a problem are we?

What are we talking about my lights?

First day, huh?

MR. BURNS: What about your freaking strobe?

What strobe, Lou?

This one?

Huh?

She caught him with the coat check girl at Villa Barone.

Yeah, you wish I was 14, you two timing son of a bitch.

Wait, they were a couple?

Inks not even dry on the divorce.

You can talk to my lawyer, because I've

got you on tape with that latino busboy

from the Chateau Preance.

Eduardo.

Eduardo my ass.

Consuelo my ass.

- Come on, let's go. - I'm all set, Lou.

All right.

What a day, huh?

I have a shot!

Over here, sweetheart.

Now you're panicking, you're scared,

I don't want to get married, forget him, it's me you want.

You want me.

Excuse me.

This way!

Smile pretty over here.

- Who's a nasty party girl? - Beautiful!

What's your number?

Give me a pout, I want a pout.

What the hell are you doing?

What, man?

They got a whole batch of these things inside.

Carmine, will you put those back, please?

Hey, listen to me.

If it wasn't for me, you'd be home right now

reading the help wanted ads.

So, uh, leave me alone.

Are you lecturing me right now?

My lawyer says that I brought Caesar in, I take Caesar out.

Oh yeah?

Where was your lawyer when Caesie was making number

two on the living room shag?

Huh?

I don't need you breathing down my neck every two seconds.

OK?

I've got responsibilities now.

I've got things to think about.

Hi, how are you.

What about suppositories?

Huh?

Are you want to shove them up his ass twice a day?

All right, look, it's like I said.

I get the Benz, the mutt's yours.

It's your choice, really Louis.

Here she goes.

Here she goes.

- I'm Carmine. - Nice to meet you.

This is my homosexual brother--

[laughter]

--Anthony.

So he just got out of the closet, say, say hello, An.

Hey, mac and cheese, yes?

Got it? - Nice to meet you.

- What is he? - See you.

Why is, why does he keep doing that to me?

Carmine, that's his freaking signal for the step ladder.

See?

This is many things in many countries.

Dude.

Relax, you're going to break something, all right?

That step ladder is crucial for his big exit shot.

His what?

Carm, his big exit shot, where he gets up high

and looks out over the guests.

I'll get high and look over the guests.

Listen, just relax, man.

We've got an hour here, we'll find it.

Carm, you want to look for it, be my guest,

because I don't see it.

Just- you're talking about the one with the white stripe,

right?

Yes, the big one.

The one he told you to put in the trunk.

The one I saw you holding in the driveway,

because I was waiting for you to stuff the backseat.

Just give me a minute here.

[barking]

Carm, you are about to catch the beating of a lifetime.

Dude, take it easy, all right?

You can buy them for 20 bucks over at Cost Mart.

And you're just going to waltz out during the ceremony

and go buy one?

Macaroni!

Chop, chop!

Listen, just give me, just back off.

OK?

Yeah, you got it all under control, don't you?

Listen, for the last time, you worry about your job,

and I'll worry about mine.

OK?

Mister big boss man.

Hey, finally!

Yo, Aldo.

Listen, I need you to get back to me right away.

911, baby, 911. - That's good.

911, baby, 911. - That's good.

Good, smile pretty.

Watch the mic.

Stay with me.

Stay with me.

Watch the boom, get the boom out of the way.

OK.

Bless oh lord, this ring to be a sign of the vows by which

this man and this woman have bound themselves to each other

through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Repeat after me.

Vicki, I give you this ring.

Vicki, I give you this ring.

As a symbol of my vow.

As a symbol of my vow.

[phone ringing] - And with all that I am.

[phone ringing]

And with all that I am.

And all that I have.

[phone ringing]

And, and all that I have.

I honor you.

I honor you.

[phone ringing]

In the name of the Father.

In the name of the Father.

And of the son.

And of the son.

Ando, buddy, I'm gonna call you back, OK pal?

Don't laugh, there's some people going on 20 years

without a date.

Ever consider maybe you're the idiot

for still working with him?

Ready?

One, two, three.

Ow.

Sorry.

Move, move.

OK, hold on.

No, this is not working.

Where is the freaking step ladder?

Just hold your horses, all right, man?

Five minutes, five minutes.

What does this moron want?

Carmine!

OK.

So this is the vision here.

You're going to float up like, I don't know, like, what like,

10, 15--

Maybe 20.

Maybe 20.

20 feet up in the air.

And then you keep doing that.

But the most important thing is the timing here, right Lou?

Yes, right, right.

Why couldn't you have just have him buy a freaking ladder?

What are you crazy?

This shot's going to get us on a 5 o'clock news.

No, this shot is freaking stupid is what it is.

What are you calling stupid?

It's ballsy.

I like it.

You see that?

It's ballsy.

He likes it.

And maybe you should take notes.

Higher, higher, higher.

OK hold right there, good, good, good.

Lou, you ready?

I'm rolling.

Aldo?

Tell me when, buddy.

Good man.

All right, here they come.

And--

Now they're coming.

Action!

All right, sonny.

Look at this.

I call this the Hollywood touch.

Yeah, that's nice.

Put that on your demo reel.

Demo reel?

I'm talking about the WVAs.

I'm going to get my belt back.

Videographer of the year.

Don't you drop that cake!

Hey! - Come here.

Come here!

Nice work.

You really showed me something out there.

Well, thanks.

You know, I mean, I saw the opportunity and I took it.

You knokw?

No, no, no, you listen to what I said.

You kept your ears and your eyes open.

And that's the ticket.

- Video by Louis. - Nice work, video.

Yeah, well we got lucky.

I want you to, you get yourself some hors d'oeuvres

and make sure you eat good.

I don't trust this bastard, sometimes

he skips on the vendor meals.

10-4 Lou, 10-4.

Hey, Trixie, Trixie, Gilliard come here.

I want you to get a photo of me in my new lift

rig for my website, all right?

Sorry, Lou.

I'm all packed up.

Oh.

Hey, try that on for size.

Joe, I'm telling you.

This kid is so on the ball.

Let's go, put a little pep in your step.

Video by Louis.

I work here.

What's going on with that girl?

I don't know anything, man.

MR. BURNS: All right, macaronis, it's show time.

Let's go.

Where is it?

- I told you asshole. - Oh, you shut up.

All right, come on.

Come on, come on.

You guys are related somehow?

We're sisters.

Oh, yes.

Sisters, Lou.

DJ: All right, ladies and gentlemen,

hope everyone is enjoying their salad, in just a few minutes

we'd like to get [inaudible] on the dance floor.

Shit.

DJ: All right, ladies and gentlemen,

at this point in time, we need to get all the single ladies

out here on the dance floor.

Classy fucking joint.

I'm thinking about commercials, I'm thinking about doing,

you know, maybe independent films.

I'm thinking about getting into--

- You know, I come from films. - No.

- You're kidding. - Yeah.

You?

Yeah, I did a lot of movies first.

I was the systems director of photography

on a lot of the films that were done in New York.

I couldn't take the bull.

And that's why I, more or less, yeah,

that's why, more or less, went into the--

How you doing?

Get out of my way, videos.

MR. BURNS: Have you two ever done any acting?

I could do some very special videos that would include

the two of you together.

You got to try this cake, here.

There's a coconut cream filling, it's out of this world.

Yeah, did you pick up the wheelchair from the truck, yet?

Anthony you got to relax, man.

This is all good.

No, Carm, it's not all good.

You know why?

Because you get to screw around and have

the time of your life and I'm stuck here doing all the work.

It's bullshit.

Can we get him a Jack and Coke, please?

What are you writing here?

Dildo guide to the galaxy?

Give it back, I'm not done.

No cell phone.

No flirting.

No drinking.

The hell is this shit, man?

If you and I are going to continue working together,

you have to start holding up your end of the load.

Dude.

Did I or did I not just go out there

and blow the doors off of Lou?

No, what you did, Carmine, was get lucky.

And that's it.

Is that right?

Either you sign this, or you can move

your stuff out of my apartment.

Look.

It's not up for debate.

I don't, man.

I don't think this is going to hold up in the court of law.

Why not?

I have a problem with this hidden clause on the back here.

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't think they

had that sparkle on the altar.

You OK?

Just please, please tell me this thing's almost done?

Yeah.

Bet you're missing that tile store now, huh?

It was carpet, actually.

But yeah, now that you mention it, I am.

Let's go, let's get this cleaned up.

I need dishes, I need plates, I need equipment.

Guys, we have a wedding over here.

Let's go! Oh, hey, easy, easy, chica.

[glass breaking]

What's up with your boss?

She, uh, is she sick or something?

Mei tei fever is more like it.

Oh, that's nice.

She leaves you with all the work?

That's good.

Oh, it's not that bad.

Actually, it's, uh, it's good practice.

You know, for when I go out on my own.

You know, I could, uh, when you do that, I could

help you with your marketing.

Oh, yeah?

You do a little, do a little marketing?

No, no.

It's just, uh, it's what I went to school for.

Oh, you went to college.

Yeah, why does that surprise you?

No, I just thought maybe this was some kind of work

release program or something.

I forgot your name already.

No, you didn't.

Come on.

I'm bad with names.

It is, uh, it was, uh, just give me a second, uh, Andrew.

No. No.

Anthony.

Anthony Marconi.

Yoo hoo.

Hoo hee hee.

Hey, come on, man.

We got to do that champagne shot.

Why don't you do it?

Because they need the two of us, that's why.

Well, I'm busy.

What?

You heard me.

You gonna be a little baby, now?

Because I didn't sign your stupid little napkin there?

There you go.

I'm sorry for everything I ever did for you.

Or to you.

Look, you were right.

You gotta worry about your job, I'll worry about mine.

This is bullshit, man.

We got like a dozen shots to knock off here.

Hey, you're the boy genius, right?

You'll figure it out.

MR. BURNS: Hey!

Don't make me come looking for you!

Will you come on? Come on!

Better hurry up.

Uncle Lou sounds pissed.

Have fun.

Yeah, you have fun too.

I got your number, Chico.

Yeah, well, I got yours.

MR. BURNS: Come on!

Let's go!

CARMINE: I'm not freaking around.

Hey Trixie.

[laughter]

I'm going to get a drink, you want one?

Yeah, yeah.

MR. BURNS: Cut, cut.

We're going to have to do what they call a take two on this.

Wait, I'm confused.

OK, it's smile, clink, kiss, and hold it for five.

You got it?

Wait, smile, clink, kiss.

And hold for five.

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

[laughter]

But that, no, that--

Wait, what are you talking about?

That wasn't even allowed, because you pulled it.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

I was in the ring.

You opened the fist.

That was rope a dope.

That was rope a dope.

[laughter] One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

Let go.

MALE GUEST: Hey, Romeo.

Your boss is looking for you.

Thanks.

I gotta, I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait, wait, wait. Smile--

Oh what a ditz.

10 takes on this one.

Oh geez.

True.

But look at those sweet, sweet teetas.

Forget about the teetas, you idiot.

Listen to that sound, you hear that?

I'm sorry, no.

Listen.

That is weak batteries in a wireless mic.

Now what did I tell you?

I'm sorry, Louis.

When in doubt, you change them out.

Memorize that.

Never happen again.

Better not, because I'm going to need you two here tomorrow

morning at 11 o'clock.

The same shoes, the same pants, the same shirt.

And don't forget those silver bow ties,

because that's the team look.

So, uh, does that mean that we're on the team, Lou?

Yeah, you're on the team.

All right, now.

Make sure you're plenty early.

Come on, I'm gonna count out the money, let's go.

100.

CARMINE: 100.

MR. BURNS: 150.

CARMINE: [MOCKING] 150. MR. BURNS: 200.

CARMINE: [MOCKING] 200.

MR. BURNS: You are a smart ass.

250. CARMINE: [MOCKING] 250.

MR. BURNS: 300.

CARMINE: [MOCKING] 300.

MR. BURNS: Stop imitating me.

CARMINE: Stop imitating me.

Yo!

Jerry!

Fusco, you fucking [inaudible].

[laughter]

I'm going to fucking kill you.

Dude, I'm sorry, it's, it's, I thought we'd throw

a little, you know, soiree.

Celebrate the big move, you know, I--

There's over 50 people here.

Carmine.

You said we have an 11 AM job.

We got time, it's like a million hours from now.

No, it's like 12 hours from now.

It's actually like 10 hours from now.

What are we gonna do?

I mean, our contract specifically

states that you'll be in bed before midnight on an AM job.

[knocking]

Come on, Carmine, I'm getting wet.

God willing, I will be.

[cheering]

Good game, good game, good game.

Who's up next.

Oh!

Yo, Marconi, a little privacy in here.

Well that's not gonna work on this girl.

MR. MARCONI: Why not?

Because she's smart.

She's not like all your freaking bimbos.

So why don't you ask her out on a freaking date?

I don't know, man.

What do you want from me?

You know I move slow.

Look how long it took me to leave the store.

Well at least you did that, man.

I don't know.

So what?

So she's smart.

So what, man?

She graduated top of her class at NYU.

So you got that salutation thing from Crappy Johns.

Salutatorian.

That's what I said.

That's second place, man.

Your kids are goona be like freaking nerds.

Seriously, though, let's say like you

get hitched with this girl and things work out.

I hope that you will consider, still consider,

asking me to be your best man.

OK, Carm.

For real, though.

Because tonight at the wedding, I hated that.

You know, when the brother's there and he's

in the groom's bridal party, and you know,

some other jerk is the best man.

I mean, that's not cool, you know,

this his freaking brother.

Carm.

I want you to promise me.

I want you to promise me.

- Will you go to bed? - I promise.

Will you go to bed?

I'll go to bed, promise.

OK, you can be my best man.

OK.

OK.

OK.

But what about LJ, because you--

Go to bed!

--you guys were tight in high school.

So you're living like real kings over here.

Dad, if you came over here to argue,

we really don't have time.

That aint that brinjal from last Sunday?

Oh, that's how you greet me?

The brinjal?

The chicken you can just put in the microwave

and zap it for two minutes.

Anthony, I know you probably think that I'm

a royal pain in the ass, OK?

I mean, I thought my father was a pain in the ass.

And I'm sure that he thought his father was a pain in the ass

too.

Great, we come from a long line of pains in the asses.

- Oh. - How did it go?

- Oh, mommy. - Come on.

How did it go?

Oh, mommy.

How did the, how did the shoot go?

Would you stop doing that and look at me for a minute here?

What?

Last night, I sat down with your uncle, you hear?

And we talked it over and we decided

we'll let you two on the floor.

Give me a kiss.

Oh.

Like an angel, like an angel of mercy.

Here's your pants.

Assistant manager of sales.

No more wall to wall, no more bagging carpets,

and when it's slow you could even do something of that A

and P stuff there too.

OK?

What do you say?

What do you say?

Hey, you're not even dressed yet?

Relax, An, these things don't get started till noon.

[phone ringing]

What, what are we doing here?

Are we talking here or what?

MRS. MARCONI: Carmine, where's the phone?

Dad, that's a really nice offer and all,

but this time we got to pass.

Yeah, we got new careers now, Dad.

Will you go in there and change?

CARMINE ON VOICEMAIL: Carmine is not here right now.

But Anthony is.

Anthony, I'm too short in the field.

If you guys don't come back by tomorrow,

I've got no other choice.

I'm hiring some new guys.

CARMINE ON VOICEMAIL: [ON VOICEMAIL]

What the hell kind of message is that?

Macaronis, where in the damn hell are you?

I am at that church, the brides here.

And I'm short a couple of assholes.

Fix your, fix your.

What's up, Lou. How you doin?

What part of 11 o'clock don't you two brainiacs understand?

I'm so sorry, Lou.

Traffic on the belt. - The belt?

I'm going to give you my belt. Now

you, get the lights started.

Go!

You, you're going to need wireless mics, because I'm

going be stuck up in the rafters because

of that, that, that meat and potatoes [inaudible]..

Go! Where is those mice?

Where are those mics?

PRIEST: Pamela and Joseph, today marks the beginning

of a new adventure.

Pst.

PRIEST: An adventure that, God willing, will take

you through your life together.

Listen, don't sweat it, man.

You've got time, all right?

Sh.

PRIEST: Pamela, repeat after me.

I, Pamela.

I, Pamela.

Take you, Joseph.

Take you, Joseph.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

In good times [feedback] or in bad.

In good times and [feedback].

Better or for worse.

Be-- [feedback].

In sick-- [feedback] or in health.

[feedback] or in health.

[feedback] or for poorer.

Richer or for [feedback].

[feedback] death do us part.

Death do us part.

Joseph, [radio interference].

Shit.

Let me listen.

[radio interference] Let me listen.

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: It's a big, deep drive.

It could go.

[thunder] A home run!

A home run over to the deepest part of left center field.

Fucking moron.

How could you forget something like that?

I don't know. I don't know.

You don't know? You don't know?

I saw him give you the batteries.

I got confused, man.

I, I, I thought I changed them out.

You got confused?

That's his golden rule.

When in doubt, change them out.

[banging]

ANTHONY: Damn it, Carm!

All right, just take it easy, all right?

No, you fucking take it easy and get focused.

Focused.

Let me use the headphones here.

BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: We are brought to you by our friends

at Conte Carpet.

For lower prices and quality.

555- C-O-N-T-E that is 555-CONTE.

What are you giving me this for?

[banging]

Hey, Macaronis, let's go.

They're starting the intros.

Hey, boss man.

What you working on in there?

Hi8, Mini DVD, high definition?

Not now.

OK, pal?

DJ: Ladies and gentleman, it is my honor and privilege

to introduce to you, for the first time as husband and wife,

please make some noise for the new Mr. and Mrs.

Joseph and Pam Fitz Alto.

[cheering]

Good, watch the mic.

Get the moment.

All right, you just gotta tell him, man.

No, man.

I don't think that's a good idea.

OK, you too.

Look up at the camera.

That's good.

It's an honest mistake, Carm, he'll understand.

No, listen to me, man.

It's just a few lines, I think I could fix it.

Carm, it's their vows.

It's the most important part, all right?

I'm going to him.

All right, you do that, you can kiss our sweet ass goodbye.

DJ: All right, ladies and gentlemen,

at this point in time, we'd like everyone to please--

Dude, let me just ask you this, OK?

One question.

Have I ever, ever let you down.

What are you talking about?

It's two days in a row with you.

Yeah, but when it came time to step it up,

did I not step it up?

No, Carm, I know you're just going to make things worse.

How could it be any worse, man?

We got five minutes of play by play where

the freaking vows should be.

[laughter]

Excuse me?

Nothing.

No, no, no.

I thought I heard something, I just wanted to know.

I didn't say nothing, buddy.

You didn't say nothing? Because I thought I heard--

[crash]

- Don't talk to him like that. - What are you?

His bodyguard? - Hey, hey, hey.

You don't talk to him like that.

This is my kitchen, so get the hell out of here.

Oh, yeah? You own this place?

Huh, comrade?

Why don't you back the fuck off and let me have

a conversation with my brother. OK?

You got a lot of shit here to do, don't you?

You don't point the finger at me.

I don't point the finger at you?

I point whatever the fuck I want.

Carm, don't.

I point whatever the fuck I want.

Listen, you want some Portugeuse love?

Yes, right fucking here and right fucking now.

[shouting]

Ow!

Do you see?

He grabbed my finger, he almost ripped my finger off.

- Look at me. - Where the fuck were you?

Look at me.

Look at me.

You're killing me, with the sound, with the girl,

you're killing me here.

No, no, no.

You don't blame the girl on me, you don't blame the girl me.

She's totally into you.

Will you stop with that.

No, no, no, no, no.

She came up to me before and she was asking if you

were single, married, divorced.

Divorced?

She thinks, she thinks I'm divorced?

No, man.

I told her you're playing the field, you know?

What?

No, like in a good way.

Like, you're getting a lot of offers and shit.

Mind your business.

OK?

Just, just, just give me, just give me a few hours please.

OK?

I can fix this.

I can do this.

Please?

I can do this, please. - A few hours?

Yes.

To like dinner.

Til dinner?

Yeah.

OK, and then you'll stop whether it's fixed or not.

Promise.

You want me to sign another cocktail napkin?

I'll sign a cocktail napkin for you.

CARMINE: Thank you so much.

So damn much.

Hey, there they are, folk, for the first time

ever as husband and wife.

Come on, guy.

What do you want now?

It seems like yesterday you were running

around the backyard, now you're all grown

up with such a beautiful bride.

Congratulations.

I'm sor, that's good.

Take the microphone out and cut this thing.

Where the hell is he?

What, did he fall in?

I think he said something about the shrimp cocktail.

I had the shrimp cocktail.

There's nothing wrong with the shrimp,

we're going to have to what they call a take two on this.

You've heard that term, haven't you?

Oh, it's no big deal.

It's just a little post game report.

Part of the standard package.

I hope you don't mind.

You don't mind, do you?

I do, actually.

I'm sorry, you what?

I do.

Can you hold that for a second?

MR. BURNS: Wait a minute.

All right, wait, wait, all right, cut, cut.

How many times do we have to do this stick?

I'm sorry, Lou.

I don't have enough hands.

Yeah, well now you know why I hired two of you bozos.

Pig in a blanket?

Hey, uh, Trixie, I'll take those.

So, um, what's up with your brother?

What?

What's going on?

He just locked me out of the bridal suite

and got all my gear in there.

Not Pamela, Pam.

Can I call you Pam?

Yeah, sure.

You're doing good? You feel all right?

Yeah.

This is kind of fun.

I know.

You're doing really good.

You think so?

You want to help us record sound for a little bit?

Uh.

Can I, sort of, get you in trouble?

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's cool.

She's got a real weak spot for that maitre d.

You're very attractive.

Really?

You're like a wild cat.

I want to tame you.

I'm untameable.

No, everybody's tameable.

You gonna scratch me up with that mustache?

OK, all right.

Come on.

I want to get that ice sculpture before it melts.

Roger that, Lou.

OK.

At the end of the ceremony, there was a moment there,

you got a little emotional.

You know, you got a little.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was crying.

Yeah.

What exactly was that moment in the ceremony, you know,

the part where, what was the specific line?

The line?

Yeah.

That really moved you.

Will you put yourself in that place right now for me?

Sure, OK.

Um, I will cherish and honor you all the days of my life.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry, I'm crying.

Joe.

You better watch out, I'm going to marry her.

[laughter]

Sorry.

No, I'm gonna marry you.

Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in time,

I'm going to slow things down a bit.

We'd like to invite all the couples

out here onto the dance floor.

No.

Swing over this way.

OK, now check the lights, no shadows, watch the shadows.

Good.

We love you Pamela!

- Did you get that? - Yeah, I got it.

Good, good, good.

Hey, uh, Father, how are you doing?

I was hoping to get, like, a little bit, uh,

interview with you--

Do me a favor.

It's just I'm not a big fan of the spotlight.

So I was thinking about what you said

last night about starting your own business,

going out on your own.

It's still a long way off.

Well, maybe not, you know, if you partner up with somebody

and split the overhead and start up costs.

Perhaps just something, a quick quote from the something

you said on the altar, maybe.

Here, Lorraine, you're the big talker,

you take the microphone.

Pam and Joe, I just want to tell you--

Woo!

You're fucking awesome man!

[crash]

Watch the way.

Listen, if it's money you're worried about, I can help out.

I have excellent credit.

Oh, I appreciate the offer, Anthony.

Really, I do.

But to take a gamble like that at this point,

it's just not possible.

3 o'clock, Lou, you got waterworks.

What?

3 o'clock.

Oh.

Well, why not?

What, you have kids to support or something?

Hey, where's the bride, where's the bride?

She's right behind you, Lou.

My big little baby.

Ain't nobody [inaudible].

Amen.

So what do you think, man?

It's not even close.

Oh, come on, man.

Give me a shot at that, let me try it again.

No, we agreed until dinner and now that's it.

You guys are done. - What are you talking about?

Listen, they just served the salads.

Which happens to be the first course.

No, the clam chowder is the first course, am I right, T?

Technically, a salad is considered

an appetizer when followed by soup, pasta, or risotto.

Carm, Carm, I don't care.

You're finished.

OK?

You call yourself family?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna.

Listen, come on, don't get on him.

He's the only one who's helping me out here.

He's a freaking wiz with this shit.

Well I took a couple community classes back at home.

Oh, you did?

You took a couple community-- - OK, OK.

Into my office, big guy.

Now, tell me exactly what she said to you.

No, I don't, I don't want to talk about it.

No, I'm not lying to you, man.

All right?

She told me, she asked me all these things about you.

Now, I don't know whether she was just shooting the shit,

or she was interested or you know,

she's got a cute sister or what.

You know?

I don't know.

And that's the point, man.

Neither will you if you don't just go out there

and fucking do something about it, man.

Do you want me to start talking this in, chief?

Yes, yes, do that, do that.

I'm gonna put this in my best man speech to you, man.

It's you and me right here, right now.

When you walked in here and you were all upset

and you wanted to throw everything away,

you wanted to give everything up.

And then you realized that this chick,

she may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

And if you didn't just take fuck it,

and I promise I won't curse in your speech,

and go out there and do something about it,

you may regret this for the rest of your life.

Look at you.

When you told me that you had a connection with her,

right, you said that crazier things have happened.

Unless, you know what, I'll go out there,

I'll tell T let's forget everything and I'll go,

I'll cover Lou.

No, no, no.

Just hurry up, all right?

All right?

All right.

Look at this face.

Go get em, tiger.

Well he's dead in the water.

Can I get the, uh, let me get that thing.

Yeah, just give, Trev, give me the whole thing.

Oops.

Oh, nope, nope, nope.

Jack, neat please.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for joining

us out here on the dance floor.

We'd like to ask everyone to please find their seats,

in just a few moments, we're gonna get

ready for some Greek dancing.

Thanks, we'll be right back. - Listen, Lou.

I gotta go. I gotta shoot this.

Huh?

- I gotta shoot this. - All right?

I'll see ya.

Hey.

Thanks very much.

Could I have another, um--

Hey, Father, how you doing?

Oh sorry, laddy.

I didn't mean to get you in trouble before.

- Oh, no. - Roger that, padre.

It's actually not even about that.

I'm having, like, sort of, like a, like personal issues.

All right, give me a minute here.

Hey.

Macaroni, get your lazy asses--

It's all gone?

It's OK, later, after, after.

We'll get some after.

You know, you told me we were going to your office.

Yeah, this is my office, I did some, oh, the hair, oh, easy

with the hair.

One thing, though.

[laughter]

Hey.

Hey, where did you run off to?

Had to powder my nose.

Oh, should've told Lou, he's flipping a lid out there.

Yeah, I realize that, but I wanted to talk to you, so.

Oh.

Uh, can we walk and talk?

Yeah.

And then the wife, she's sick, she's in the hospital.

Hospital bills piling up, I'm, I'm really strongly

considering the d word.

Son, you made a commitment, did you not?

Yeah, I know.

I know.

And I keep thinking back to my wedding, you know?

I keep on thinking back to the, uh, vows that I took, you know?

- The vows, yes. - Yeah.

They can guide you in times like this.

Cheese and crackers.

If only I could remember them.

Son, you made a promise to God for better or for worse,

in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer.

And then, that's til?

Til death do you part.

Jesus Christ.

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.

Anthony, I have to go shoot my thing.

I know this, I know this, I know this.

But answer me this one question.

One question, be honest.

Last night, did you feel for one moment

that there was something?

All right, ladies and gentleman,

at this point in time, we need to get

all the single ladies out here.

[cheering]

I gotta go do this.

I'm sorry.

John Hollywood.

God, you're like a secret agent.

You got it, right?

Yes!

Does this come off?

Let me see that chest.

Fuck.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

we're going to kick it into gear.

I need everybody to put their hands together.

So this conversation is over?

Yeah, I gotta get back to work.

Come on, please.

Please.

I will cherish.

Better for worse.

And on--

In sickness--

It's like a fucking kung fu movie.

Relax, Hollywood.

It's just a [inaudible].

She's going to slip around a bit.

If you say that one more time, I'm going

to strangle you with your hat.

I'd rather you didn't, it's part of the uniform.

[moaning]

Hey, Joe.

Joe, have you seen my new guys around anywhere?

Yeah, they're inside talking to priests.

To priests?

Right in the bar.

The bar.

Five minutes, guys. Let's go, rapido, let's move it.

I'll beg, I'll beg, I'll beg, I'll beg, right now.

No, no, please stand up.

[moaning]

[clapping]

[moaning]

[clapping]

[rewinding]

Oops.

What, what, oops?

Nothing.

What are you talking about?

Something ooped here!

Last I saw, he was running of to the lavatory

like he was about to burst.

Did you hit record?

I thought it was the audio.

Oh, man.

You erased the original tape!

Macaroni!

You are amazing, there's so many girls

out here that are single.

Kiss me.

[screaming]

I just, I can't, I can't.

What, what, what's wrong?

I'm engaged.

What's up, Lou.

How you doing, man?

Aah!

Wish you would've helped me out

with that fucking Lou Burns.

I was taking a lot of body shots.

Well, you brought it on yourself.

I think I broke my nose.

Is it swollen? Dude.

Dude!

Ant!

Come on, man.

Anthony, don't be like this, man.

Screw Lou Burns, man.

Screw him!

Screw Maurice.

I bet there's a ton of video guys

that are dying to snatch us up.

Anthony!

Well, what are you doing, man?

What are you doing?

Hey!

Hey!

Ow!

Don't throw my freaking Led Zeppelin [inaudible]..

You're out of my will!

You understand me?

You're out of my will.

God!

Fucking shit!

Ant, this is yours, Ant.

[phone ringing]

VOICEMAIL RECORDING: You've reached Marconi Video.

Carmine is not here right now.

But Anthony is and his big dick.

[laughter] [beep]

LAUREN: Hey, Anthony, it's Lauren.

Um, last night, I'm sorry for what happened,

it just went a little too far.

And the truth is, I'm getting married in three weeks.

And I got really confused when I met you, because you're great,

but I'm getting married.

So I'm really sorry and, uh, oh and you know, by the way,

Carmine totally lied to you, I never

asked if you were married.

I just wanted you to know that.

OK.

Bye.

[beep]

[ding]

Hey, how about a few words to the bride and groom.

Hey, come on.

What's the matter.

All right, I'm not in the mood.

You and An got 58 yards to pin up going to show room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you mean me and An?

Carpets and there's blood.

You wanna go out with Anthony?

Go work with Anthony today?

No way I'm working with that guy, are you crazy?

Not a chance in hell.

Come on, I'll give you 50 bucks, here.

No, no, no.

This is bullshit.

This is bullshit.

It's OK.

This is going to be interesting.

I'm not putting up with your shit today, Carmine.

You're not putting up with my shit today?

Oh you want to go?

You want to step into my office?

You wanna go a couple rounds?

No biting!

[screaming]

You like that, huh?

You like that?

[yelling]

Get off me.

Get off of me, man.

No, you get off of me.

You're hurting my neck.

[laughter]

Your mother.

Nice.

Good one.

Your mother.

[laughter]

All right.

Oh, you're a schmuck.

OK, let go of me.

Ow.

Ow.

dude, What the hell are we doing here, man?

What the hell are we doing back here?

What are we doing here?

We're two smart guys, right?

I mean.

Yeah, that's half true.

We've got to do, we've got to go out and start our own video

business, you know?

Fuck this shit.

Yeah?

Do it like grandpa did it, man.

Go out on our own.

Well, after last night, who's going to hire us?

I can think of somebody.

- No. - Yeah.

No.

- Yeah. - No.

- Yeah. - No.

Yeah.

No!

There's our girl.

Yeah.

Oh boy, here they come.

It's your day sweetie, it's your day.

What is that?

A beta max?

Hey, this was top of the line in it's day.

Yeah, looks good.

You got the sound all worked out, Carmine?

We've got the sound.

Let's say we're very professional.

- All right. - Big smile right here.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

Blow a kiss to Stephen, for Stephen now.

I'm not blowing a kiss to Stephen.

Can you blow a kiss?

Yes!

Oh, sweetie. Lipstick.

Lipstick, teeth.

Yeah, she's got lipstick all over her face.

That's a good catch.

Yeah.

You look great.

Thank you.

It's a little much.

No, it's great.

You're fine.

You're more than fine, you're beautiful.

Thank you.

I wouldn't mind shooting you.

I wouldn't mind being shot.

Really, you should sit for me sometime.

I'm doing a whole series of naked hairy men.

Thanks for this.

Yeah.

You nervous?

Yeah.

That's OK.

Terrified.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, I know.

Hi.

Hi.

What's your name?

Beep, beep, beep.

Please, would you stop screwing around?

Please stop screwing around.

That's better.

Stop walking back and forth and move back a little further.

Testing, testing, how's this now?

Can you hear me now?

Um, this is Anthony, the videographer.

Yeah, hi.

OK, Anthony. This is the Inas.

That's Tina, Gina, Mina, and this is my sister Liz.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

He's single.

Sh.

This is officially the business.

Good wonderful.

Keep going back.

Can you hear me now?

I can, yes, can you hear me now?

Yes.

Shut up.

Move back.

Listen, cowboy, I think you're being overly cautious here.

We've got this thing.

How many times I gotta tell you, T?

There are no take twos in this business, OK?

You screw up, you die.

That's it.

OK that's fine.

I think they're about to start on the inside.

What?

Oh, crap.

My father was supportive and said,

as long as we shoot him a commercial,

he'd buy us the cameras.

Please, I don't mind at all.

Thanks.

Uh, hi Carmine, these are the Inas.

Hi.

I heard there was a wedding sometime today.

I heard that too.

This is great stuff.

Nice meeting you.

We're t-minus five, here, I gotta pull you out of an orgy?

Carm, give me a break, I was booking work in there.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Half these chicks are getting married in the next few months

and you know who they want to hire?

Did you get a quote?

Hi.

Um, don't forget you owe me a dance.

Boys, boys, come one.

Boys!

Very good.

Boys, come on, they're starting, man, let's go.

Shit, shit, shit.

Come on, come on.

You know what I'm thinking?

Screw these churches, let's set up the synagogues,

get some of that bat mitzfah action going.

Bat mitzvahs? Are you serious?

Yeah.

T's telling me their throwing $50,000 to $60,000 a pop

down on these things.

That's crazy, it's like a birthday

party for a 13-year-old.

I know, that's ridiculous.

I gotta get a pair of stilts.

Are we on?

[bird noises] Flipper.

[dolphin noises]

Hello, hello, you guys are married.

Can you see me?

Two words of advice, two favorite words

to say to get everything right in a marriage, yes dear.

I just wanted to thank you for letting

me be a part of your wedding.

And I had a great time and I love both of you guys.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

There are three things I've very proud of you Chris.

One, that you didn't become a fag,

and then you've become a real proper man's man.

A woman's delight.

B-A-U-S-E-I-S-T-E-R Bauseister!

Listen, man.

Big day for you big, big, big, day.

So proud of you.

Wonderful event, everything from the jumbo shrimp

down to the Heinekens.

You didn't miss a beat.

This is Joey, watch out for this guy.

You guys got this happy thing going on.

Don't be like him.

Not that he's a bad guy, he's a marvelous guy.

A legend. You're talking to--

It is a legend, and you guys are gonna be a legend.

Why? Because we love them.

This is Nicole, give her a sandwich.

Woohoo!

You're my friend, Sal, Sal, come on over here.

I love this man, a man's got mozzarella

coming out of his ears.

And I just want to say I had a great time tonight.

Even though my hair is in absolute disarray.

It's not going to bother me, though.

You guys, you guys are the best.

And I wish you nothing but the best.

Congratulations.

I wish you the best of luck.

All the happiness in the world.

Weren't they great at the wedding?

Yes, they were awesome.

OK.

A toast for Val.

Roses are red, violets are blueish,

if it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.

I'd like to say you're a cute couple,

but I can't because you're so goddamn ugly.

You know what?

Don't even.

Don't even.

Um, I think you guys did it well.

And god bless us.

Have plenty of kids.

Keep the cash flowing, because you're going to need it.

And uh, hey, happy times and uh, happy trails, you know?

I'll see you around because I'm your brother.

Hey, hey.