All language subtitles for Stars In Your Eyes (Maurice Elvey, 1956)eng

Wasting time.

She promised to be here at 2:30,

it's now 32.

I wonder where she can be?

I'll have a look round.

- I say, just look
at the state of my suit'.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Let me brush you up a bit.

- I say, don't do that'.

- Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

I'm terribly nervous today,

I'm meeting a girl.

Oh'.

Ooh.

- Oh, I say, that girl's got it'.

- Yes, and I've got that.

- Well what's that?

- That's it.

- Okay, old chap.

Go to it.

- You bet your life.

Whoopee'.

Hello'.

Having quite a lot of
weather lately, aren't we?

Oh dear, there's so
much I wanna say to you.

Oh, look into my eyes.

- Which one?

- Well, that's the one that's working.

- Oh, what a handsome hunk of caveman'.

- Oh, baby'.

Oh, boy'.

- Well I must say,

you really put your heart
and soul into that, Maureen.

- It's easy with Jimmy.

- Don't make it too easy'.

Grr'.

- How about that for an audience, Sally?

- Yes, how about that.

- Well they applauded, didn't they?

- All seven of them.

I don't know what things are coming to,

Saturday night, second house?

Anyway Rosa was in front.

- Rosa who?

- Rosa seats.

Come on, this is our quick change.

- Business is bound to be slack

in Oldham in July,

wait 'til we play Blackpool
in three weeks time,

you'll see a difference.

- It doesn't look as if
we will play Blackpool.

- Blimey, they didn't give

us much of a chance did they?

The show's only been running a month.

- Oh well, there's no
business like no business.

- You'll be late, Jimmy, darling.

- If we are, you can keep them interested

with a couple of numbers.

- Oh no'.

- Oh dear, dear.

- Why does Maxie Jago
have to have his offices

so high up?

- So he can call himself
a top flight agent.

Oh, yeah.

- Well, let's get it over with.

How do I look?

- All right, what's that?

- My hat.

- Oh.

Boo'.
- Morning, Effie.

- Morning.

- Hello everybody.

- Well, well, Knowles and Blake in person.

- Hello darling, I
haven't seen you for ages,

how are you?

- I'm fine, I see you're still

cluttering your act up
with the old man here.

- Hello Rigby.

- How's everything?

- Oh fine, we're booked up solid.

- Yep, we've had so many offers,

we don't know which one to take.

- Yeah, I'm looking for work too.

Come, Sally, let's talk

about something interesting, like me.

- Effie, my sweet.

- No.

- No what?

- Just that, you can't see him,

you haven't got an appointment.

- See you later then darling,

and don't be late now.

Jimmy, darling'.

- Maureen, my sweet'.

- They haven't met since Saturday.

- Sally, well this is a nice surprise'.

- Yes, isn't it?

- Have you fixed yourself
up with anything yet?

- Well nothing definite.

- I've been waiting an hour.

- Well I must rush now, I'm having lunch

with a film producer,

he's putting me into a picture.

Cinerama.

- That big wide screen?

You'll really be able to spread yourself.

Go on, try Maxie again.

- Okay.
Effie, my darling.

- No.

- I want you to get onto Maxie.

- No.

- I've got a proposition for him.

- No.

- Tell him there's a lot of money in it.

- Oh.

Jimmy's got a proposition for you.

He says there's a lot of money in it.

Money'.

Okay, you can go in.

- Sal, we're in.

- Go on.

- Hey look, I've been here for an hour'.

- Be brief Jimmy.

Well, what's the proposition?

- Knowles and Blake, we want some dates.

- Now look, if that's all
you came in here for you--

- No wait a minute, hang on a minute Max,

you know we're a good act.

- So what?

So are a couple of thousand others.

What do you think I am, a magician?

Don't you know the whole business

has gone to pot?

The only way you could
fill a theatre nowadays

is to take all your clothes off.

- Well don't look at me.

- Or me.

- I suppose we're too late

for that summer season at Grimsby?

- Too late.

The show's opened already, and closed.

Sorry, there is nothing
I can offer you, nothing.

Of course if anything does come up,

I'll let you know.
- Thanks.

- Just a minute, Jim.

Max, how about TV?

- Well, I thought Jimmy
was dead against it.

- So I am'.

Well, I reckon I wouldn't
mind trying it once.

- It's great publicity,

and you don't need talent.

- We have talent.

- Never mind, you could
still be a success.

Look at this one, Jerry Lomas,

now he's a national figure.

He is making 500 a week.

Crazy, disgraceful,

I am ashamed to take my 10%.

- What are our chances of getting on?

- Well they're just setting up

a new big Saturday night show.

- A comedy?
- Show.

- We'll do it.

- This would be for you alone Jimmy,

they want comedy sketches.

- Wait a minute, me, on my own?

- Mm-hmm.
- No, thanks.

- Jim, if there's no spot for me,

then there's no spot.

It's only just this once.

- If you're interested,
auditions are on Friday,

I'll get your name on the list.

- Audition, me?

- Well sure, they have to see

what they're buying don't they?

- But surely they know my stuff?

- Of course, on the stage, yes,

but they want to see how
it's going to come over

on the screen, it's very small.

- I don't care how small it is,

after 10 years on the boards

I'm not auditioning for anybody.

And what's more,

Knowles and Blake stick together.

Come on Sal, let's get some fresh air.

All right I'll come right away,

don't do anything until I get there.

- Who was it Jim?

- I've gotta go out, it's David.

- Who?

- David, he's in trouble.

- In where?
- Trouble.

- What, again?

What's he done?

- Oh I don't know, he's in some club.

- Some what?

- Club, club'.

Do you mind?

This is a private conversation.

Shan't be long'.

- And she says to him,

I wonder who that could be?

- Yes, very funny.

- Take it easy, come over darling.

- I’ll be with you in a minute, honey.

- Please, why so early,

please, have another drink.

Come back sir, don't go, please, don't go'.

- Hey, that's my song'.

You know that?

You know that, boy, my song'.

I wrote that'.
- Very nice indeed.

- But, nobody plays my
tunes like I play them.

And nobody sings them like my wife.

- Oh, I didn't know
you were still married.

- Successful.

Composer, not husband.

Wife's very successful.

Singer, not wife.

I hit the bottle, she hits the road.

That's how it goes.

That's not how that goes,

that's supposed to be an E-flat major 7th,

look at it, it's in the music'.
- Pipe down, David,

or else he'll lose his temper with you.

- I don't care about that.
- Come on, now be a good boy

and have a cigarette, come on.

- He's ruining my business, Mr. Knowles.

Time was when I liked to have him around.

He's got class, and people
remember what he used to be.

But who wants a drunk?

- All right, I’ll get him out of here.

- There is the little matter
of a bill, you understand?

- Oh, so that's why you phoned me.

How much?
- 23 pounds.

- 23 pounds?

What's he been drinking,
uranium?

- David Laws will now entertain.

- Careful, Dave.

- Jimmy boy'.

Nice to see you.

Looking so well, too.

I’m not so well.

Still, gotta stand on
your own two feet, huh?

- Steady on, take it easy.

Come on, pull yourself together.

All right, I’ll take care of this.

- What about the bill, Mr. Knowles?

- Ah, yes, the money.

- 23 pounds.

- Get me a drink.
- All right.

- Yvonne's been with him all evening?

- Well, what am I
supposed to do about that?

- 10 pounds immediate.

- 10 smackers?

I can't afford it.

- That's all right, forget it.

- What do you mean?

- It's like a breath of fresh air

to talk to someone with
class in this joint.

Pleasure's mine.

- You can clear out if you don't like it'.

- That's another pleasure
that's gonna be mine.

Come on, I’ll help to get him into a taxi.

- Come on Dave, come on,
pull yourself together.

- Where are we going?
- Come on, boy.

- We're going to another joint.

- My drink-

- We'll get you home, come on.

Writing any songs?

- Oh yeah, I write them.

Nobody sings them.

- Well why don't you go
back and sing them yourself?

- No thanks.

One singer in the family's enough.

Or should I say ex-family?

- What's the matter with you?

Just because your marriage broke up

doesn't mean to say you
have to go to pieces.

- I haven't gone to pieces,

I’m just living the way I want to.

Just as Anna's living the
way she always wanted.

Big star, luxury apartment,

lots of rich playboys hanging around.

You know, Jim,

I read in Variety the other day

where she's getting
1000 a week in cabaret,

how about that?

- That's wonderful.

- She wanted the bright lights,

I wanted a home.

Or a bottle of scotch as a substitute.

So they parted,

and lived happily ever after.

- Fine, that's fine.

But how about your daughter Peggy?

- Peggy?

She's all right, I imagine.

Goes to boarding school.

I get to see her a couple
of months in the summer.

- Come on, take things easy,

come on, give me the cup.

Now, take it easy, try
and get some sleep, Dave.

- I’m beat.

- Well, I better be getting back to Sal.

So long, Dave.

- Okay.

Jim,

thanks a lot.

But next time, I wouldn't bother.

- There isn't going to be any next time.

Oh, and by the way,

I had to fork out 23 quid

to get you out of that dump.

If you could let me have
it back sometime, Dave,

no hurry.

- Jim,

I’m broke, cleaned out.

- What about all that
money your dad left you?

Don't you know they slaved for 40 years

on the boards to save that?

Have you gone through the lot?

What about that theatre at Felham?

- Closed since 1940.

I’m hoping to make a sale though,

I’ll pay you back out of that.

- I hope so, Dave.

Otherwise I’m up the proverbial
creek without a paddle.

So long, old boy.

23 quid.

Why didn't you give him the
lot, while you were about it?

- I couldn't let him get pinched, could I?

- We'll get it back as soon
as he sells the theatre.

- What theatre?

- Oh, his mum and dad left
him this theatre at Felham.

I’m not worrying, Sally.

- Oh no, I know you're not.

Me, I’m the one that does the worrying.

I have to find the rent.

I have to buy the food.

- Oh, don't start that again.

- Shut up in this dreary
flat night after night,

while you go out throwing
your money around

like a Rothschild with six arms.

- Scraping and screwing.

- Scraping and screwing to make ends meet

and keep a roof over our heads.

- Watching every penny.

- Watching every penny, just so you can go

and frit it away amongst your low friends.

- Fingers to the bone.

- Working my fingers to the bone

to save on the laundry bills

and keep this miserable
hovel clean, and for what?

I ask you, what do I get in return?

- Insults and ingratitude.

- Nothing but insults
and, stop prompting me'.

I’m fed up.

I’m sick of it.

I tell you, this settles it.

- Settles what?

- You're going on TV, Jimmy Knowles.

- Me on TV?

You'll not get me inside
a television studio.

Never, never, never.

- Good morning'.

Morning, Jonathan, morning, James.

- Morning, sir.

- Hello, Crawley.

- Where are the victims?

- Right here.

Oh, Mr. Knowles.
- Ah, I see them.

I’m Crawley Walters, producer of this epic.

Mrs. Knowles?
- Yes.

- Charming, charming.

And you're Jimmy Knowles?

- Yeah, that's right.

- Well, never mind.

Now, this is only an audition.

Nothing to worry about.

Dickie here has put up
a rough set for you.

- It's only a scratch shop, of course.

- Yes, it's a bit scratch.

Still, you've done your best, haven't you?

- Oh, I’ve done my best.

- He's done his best to make
it look like a holiday camp.

- Thanks.
- Now,

you just go ahead and
do your stuff, you see?

Looks complicated, but isn't really.

Child's play.

Now, I tell you what happens.

I have two cameras on you,

camera one, and camera two.

- One's on a wide angle lens,

two's tracking in and out.

- Yes, tracking in and out all the time,

but don't let that worry you.

The red light on the side of the camera,

this little fellow,
goes blink blink blink,

and that tells you which camera

we hope has drawn the bidding.

- There's two sound booms also tracking.

- Yes, but don't let that worry you.

Pictures are transmitted to me

up in my little glass box.

Do you see it, mmh?

And my job is to try to sort them out,

cutting from one to the other.

The trouble we have
sometimes, don't we, Dickie?

- While Crawley's doing that,

I’ll being giving you the
cue signals from the floor.

- Yes, you'll find Dickie here

popping up all over the place,

but don't let that worry
you.

- But when I do this,

it's a direct cue, when
I do that, it's cut.

- And when I do that,
don't do anything at all.

Right, got it?

- No.

- But don't let that worry you.

- Oh, he's really funny.

Yeah, now I’m going up
in the control room.

Don't do anything until I get there.

Don't beat me to it, will
you?

- Right, positions, everybody, please.

Cecil, can we have some lights?

- All right.
- If you wouldn't mind also

going on the set, Mr. Knowles.

- Right.

- Good luck, darling.

- There, that's it,
sit down, Mrs, Knowles,

if you can find a chair.

- Don't be surprised
if anything goes wrong.

I’m always surprised
when anything goes right.

Now you have to watch
this chap, he's a bit dim.

- Do you know all your cues?

- Yeah, sure.
- Well do your best,

and we got a date.

- Okay.

- Hello, campers'.

Hello'.

- So this is Country down Holiday Camp?

I say, what are you lagging behind for?

- Just like home sweet home.

- Ah, come on, get unpacked
and let's get to bed.

- Okay.

- What's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

- All right, get unpacked.

- That's what I’m gonna do.

- I’ll say, just one moment,

are you feeling all right?

- Oh, I’m feeling fine.
- Temperature?

Well look, we've been travelling all day,

look, I’m tired, I’m thirsty,

my tongue's hanging out.

Oh, well.

Ooh, I’m ever so tired.

Oh dear.

- I say, I like the pullover.

Tell me, is that the A Line?

- No, it's the clothes line

I made it myself.
- You're very clever.

- Oh, it's a smash, isn't it?

- No, I think it would suit you

much better like that.

- You really do know?
- Yes.

- No, I like the way it goes round and,

well it did do,
where is it?

Give it to me back,

you're messing about, old man.

Oh, I say, you've got one
like mine, haven't you?

- It's nice, isn't it, yes.

- Oh, it does suit you,
let me have a look.

Oh, it's marvellous.
- Yes, wonderful for golfing.

- Lt is mine, what are you doing with it?

Give it to me back.

- What do you mean?

- I’ll not stand for that lark.

As far I’m concerned, you can...

Make your own, I’m not

I say, where are you?

- I’m here.

Look, who do you think you are?

- I am a space man.

- Yes, but where are you?

- I’m here.

Oh look,

an elephant.

Hello? Give me Trunks.

- I say, let me out of here.

- Well I’ll let you
out if you don't stretch it.

- I won't stretch it.

What are you messing
about for, get to bed'.

- Okay.
- Get undressed.

- Hello, boys'.

- Oh, hello.

- I am your camp attendant.

- He's our camp attendant.

- Anything you want, just you call for me.

- Oh, anything we want, just call for him.

Who did we call for?

Well, you, can call me, Ferdinard.

- I beg your pardon?

- Ferdinard'.

- What's his name?

- He's named, Ferdinard.

- Don't do that.

- And don't forget to call.

- We'll do that.
- Ta-ta.

- Ta-ta, see you.

- Oh, look everybody's
gone crazy, get to bed.

- Oh well.

Ooh'.

What are you looking for?

- Look, I want the facilities.

- The what?

- The facilities.

- And what's the,

what's that?

- Look, we must have the basin and the jug.

- Ooh'. The facilities.

- Yes.

- Oh, we must have the
facilities, mustn't we?

- Of course we must.

- I call the attendant.

- All right, then go on, call him.

- Won't be long now.

Facilities?

Oh, he's such a nice boy,
he'll do anything for anybody.

- Your basin.

- How can I ever thank you?

- And your water.

- Oh, what a nice boy.

Thank you
- Thank you,

now we can get to bed.

I say, look, who do you think you are?

- I’m Rebecca going for the beer.

- Don't forget anything you want.

- What do you think you are doing?

- Mind you, we gotta enjoy ourselves
while we're here, haven't we.

- Come on, let's get to bed.

- Oh well, goodnight.

- Put the light out.

- You put the light out, you left it on.

- No, you put it out.

- Goodnight.

Be quiet, will you?

Go to sleep?

Stop snoring, will you?

- That was amazing, absolutely terrific.

You had us all in stitches.

- How was it Sal?

- Oh, darling, it was wonderful.

- Oh.
- Lt can't miss.

- Good.

- I wonder what Crawley Walters thought.

- Wasn't that terrific Crawley?

- Oh, terrific, it was wonderful.

I’m still laughing.

Oh, dear.

It's not right for television though.

- What?
- What?

- I see what you mean,

it's not quite right for television.

- You mean to say, it's too funny?

- It's much too funny.

No, it's not exactly too funny,

it's got too much movement.

It's too broad.

It's not quite intimate
enough If you see what I mean.

- Yeah, I see what you mean,

it's not quite intimate.

- Intimate enough.

Dickie sees exactly what I mean.

- Yeah.

- But it got the laughs, didn't it?

- Oh, it's got plenty of laughs.

The part they went...

Yes.

Didn't know what?

I might be able to find a spot for it.

I can't promise anything
because I have to ask Jerry.

- Jerry?

- Jerry Lomas

- He's the star of the show.

- Yes, he mightn't like the idea of it.

- Well, supposing he doesn't?

- I mean it's his show
you know, he's the star.

- Is that so?

- Well you tell Jerry Lomas
what he can do with his show

transmitter mast and all.

- But don't let that worry you.

If you see what I mean.

- Dickie.

- Come in.

All right, all right, I’m coming.

Sally'.

- The theatre, have you sold it?

- Oh, what, why?

- Good, you're not going to.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Call off the deal.

What's the number?

- Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

You seem to forget the fact
that I need that 15,000.

- 15,000?

Is that all you're getting for a theatre?

- Well, it's not very big.

And there're one or two
things need doing to it,

they tell me.

- They tell you?

- Yeah, I haven't seen the place myself.

The solicitors are handling it for me.

- You own a theatre and
you've never even seen it.

- What difference would it make?

- Who's buying is it anyway?

- Grimes and Farrow.

- They're the biggest
sharks in the business.

- They are the only ones
who would look at it.

- I bet they are, at 15,000.

They can sell it for twice as
much as that to commercial TV.

Let me talk to them.

- What is this?

- Come on, come on, give me the number.

- J-R-9-9-7-8.

- Yeah, I’ll teach them.

15,000

- Have you gone crazy?

- Yes, isn't it fun?

- Hello this is Grant
and Thoreaux estate agents

Who's speaking?

Oh, yes, I’ll put you through
to Mr. Thoreaux at once.

- Hello, Thoreaux here.

- This Sally Knowles speaking
on behalf of Mr. David Laws.

- Hey, wait a minute I--

- Shhh.

He says the theatre deal is off.

- Oh,

but I don't understand.

Did you say off?

- Mr. Laws is going into
business for himself.

That's right.

He's opening a show there
and appearing in it himself.

So you see boys, the deal's off.

Nevermind,

we'll send you a couple of
tickets for the opening night.

If you can still afford them.

- Get your things on James,
we're going out for a ride?

- What?

- You heard.

- Yeah, listen, I’m in the
middle of Miss Knowles.

- Oh, you'll have to go without them.

Here, this'll keep you warm.

- What are you doing?

I can't leave this.

- Come on'.

- But I won't have a clean thing to wear.

- Nevermind.

- Oh, very well.

I don't know what's the matter with you.

- Well, didn't you want your own theatre?

- Yeah, what?

- To put on your own show?

- Yes.

- Well then, come on'.

- Oh, well then hold on to this.

- Ooh,

now look what you've done.
- Oh, here, here.

- Haven't you learned
to dress yourself yet?

- No, hurry up, come
on then, get rid of it.

- Oh, I’m trying.

- Right, let's go.

- Yes.

- Business slack?

- All that is, is down at the High Street.

That'll be 4 and 6.

- Which end of the High Street
is the Majestic Theatre?

- Right opposite.

- Ooh.

- Blimey.

- When your father called it the majestic,

he must've had a great sense of humour.

- I said it needed a couple
of things doing to her.

- Well, all wants is a good coat of paint,

- Plus an A, a J and a C.

- Mestic, that's unusual.

- It's easy to get an A, a J and a C.

- Why don't you just get
another S and call it the Mess?

- Come on, let's have
a look at the inside.

- Well, I mean it's
certainly natural the place

would look run down after all these years.

- Dave, have you got the key?

- I forgot, the solicitor must have it.

- David.

- I’m sorry.

- We may as well go back,

we're never getting past this lot.

- This way for the one and nine.

- What are you doing down there?

- Getting up.

- Hoo!

- Good looking fellow, eh?

- Mmh.

- You wouldn't think that
was Dave's dad, would you?

- Oh, David.

- For one thing, it's nice and white.

- It's a German system
introduced during the war.

- Welcome into the Valley of death.

- It's not half as bad as what I expected.

- Just what did you expect?

- Well, the seats look all right.

- Don't you'll break the place up.

- Let's take a look at the stage.

- This is a nice piece of material.

- We'll have to use these.

- Go on David, try it.

- All right.

- Gesundheit.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Well I guess that's it.

- Go on, play something.

Go on.

- Jim, where are you?

- In the basement.

- Oh'.

- Sorry about everything kids.

- Well, it was not your fault David.

Well, we might as well forget
about the Majestic Theatre.

- No, I’m hanged if we will.

- What?

- We won't be beaten.

We'll do the old place up.

- Yeah, but that will
take a few weeks Sal.

- Well, we've got more weeks
than we know what to do with.

I’ll tell you what,

we'll pool all our resources.

- What resources, huh?

- Well, we'll do the job ourselves

and get a small mortgage,

enough to pay for the materials.

- The place is mortgaged
up to the hill already.

- Well, maybe we could
borrow enough from someone.

It'd be a very good investment.

They get to have a cut of the profits.

- Maxie would jumped at the chance.

- You think so?

- Well, maybe not Maxie.

- There's only one thing
to do with a dump like that

and that's sell it.

And that's exactly what I’m gonna do.

Come on, let's go over.

- We've got to make him change his mind.

- But he won't.

- Then we've got to find
someone who will make him.

- Who, for instance?

- Ann'.

- Ann.

- Betty.

- Miss Sally.

- It's been a long time.

- Miss Ann will be surprised.

She'll be off presently.

They really get their
money's worth out her

in this joint, seven encores last night.

- Oh.

- She packs them out.

- That's more than we
do in Variety, Betty.

- Business done too good?

- Terrible.

You're well out of it.

- I must say I don't miss the halls.

I’ve been very happy with Miss Ann,

though between you and me,

I’ve always had a soft spot for Mr. David.

They did make a lovely couple.

Her theme songs are this,

she never sang me anybody
else's, you should know.

Of course, she's got all the
top ones writing for her now,

but somehow it's not the same.

I’ve known her often to
sing one of Mr. David's

and then cry our eyes out afterwards.

- So that's the way it is?

- Yes, but don't let her know I told you.

Listen, that should be her last one.

- Sally, I’ll be with you in a minute.

Betty give Sally a drink.

I’ll be right back Sal, don't go away.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen

for being such a wonderful audience.

And now I’d like to sing a song

that means a great deal to me.

And it's entitled "Without You."

- That's one of David's.

- Hello stranger?

- Ann

- How's Jim?

- He sent you his love.

- What's the matter with your two?

I haven't seen you in ages.

- No you haven't, not since--

- Yes, we read about it.

I’m sorry Ann.

- That's life, they tell me.

How two people stay
married in this business,

I’ll never know.

You know, you and Jimmy ought
to write a book about it.

- Lt isn't easy the all the time.

- Heaven knows we tried, didn't we Betty?

- We certainly did, but
the odds was against us.

- You mean success
didn't help, was that it?

- When, you make a success
in this business Sally,

your whole life's havoc.

- I’ve seen it happen,
over and over again.

I hoped having Peggy would
have made a difference.

But it only made him resent the time

he had to spend away from her.

- Where is Peggy now?

- She's in boarding school.

- Do you hear from David?

- Not a word.

- Not even a cheque

- Go and see if it's raining, Betty.

- All right.

- What does she mean, a cheque?

- Well, technically,

he's supposed to be
paying for Peggy's upkeep.

But I guess it slipped his memory.

- Could be that he is broke.

- There's no reason for
him to be with his talent.

Unless--

- Unless?

- Unless he's drinking.

You haven't seen him, have you Sal?

- Yes.

- Then why didn't you say so?

How is he?

- I wanted to know how much minded.

He's pretty low, you could help.

- Not with money.

He'd do anything rather than except that.

- He needn't even know.

Besides, money is not the first problem.

We've got to jolt him out of
the state of mind he's in.

Maybe Peggy could do the trick.

- What trick?

- Tell me truthfully Ann,

would you like to help David
get back on his feet again?

- Yes.

Yes, I would.

- He needs a kick in the right place

and I think you're the one that can do it.

- Hello David.

- Oh, hello Ann

I was asleep, working late.

- I understand.

May I come in?

- Sure, sure.

Have to forgive the look of the place.

It's what they call a bachelor apartment.

However, have a seat.

This seat, in fact.

- Thanks.

Well you are looking very well, David.

- Well, I’m fine.

Just fine, overworked of
course but, who isn't?

I see your name plastered all
over the place these days.

- Yes, I’ve been very lucky.

And what are you working on now?

- Well, several things, you know.

Have a cigarette.

- No thanks.

- You don't mind if I do.

- What things?

- I’m discussing a film,

and there's a review in
the autumn, you know.

- Which review is that?

- Just to review, no title yet.

- How about the film?

Has that got a title?

- All right, there's no show nor film.

I haven't worked in over two years.

I’m still drinking like a
fish and living like a pig.

Now, if that's what you
came to find out you can go.

- That's not what I came for.

- What the hell is it then?

Just slumming?

- It's about Peggy.

- What about Peggy, is
she's sick of something.

- No, she's perfectly well.

It's just that I don't think
you ought to see her anymore.

- Why?

- The court granted you
custody of the child

for two months in every year,

providing that you continue to support us.

- I see.

You're not thinking about her happiness,

just worried about the
cheque I didn't send.

- There are more important
things than money.

The court also stated

that you had to be a fit
and proper custodian.

What would they say if they
found out the truth about you?

Living in one room, drinking
like a fish, no job.

Could anybody call you a
fit and proper custodian?

- I was just gonna take
a place this summer,

in the country.

- Without a job, David?

- I’ll get a job.

- Oh no, you won't.

I know it and you know it, and
that's what I'm banking on.

- All right, you've had your say,

now get out, go on, get out'.

- David, what is it?

- About that theatre deal?

You think we can make a go of it?

- Of course we can.

Jimmy?

- It's gotta be a success Sally,

I’ve got to get back.

- Don't worry, David.

Just one good show and
you'll be right on top.

Jimmy?

- Well, where can we get
the money for the repairs?

- What is it?

- Shh, it's David.

We'll find it somehow,

I’ll come over and we'll talk about it.

Jimmy?

- Yes?

- Lt worked.

- You mean--

- I mean it worked, we're in business?

- Wonderful.

- I said we're in business.

Now you can go back to minding yours.

- Oi?

- Majestic Theatre.

They're making quite a good job of it.

Well, with a better fund,

it'll be a better proposition
when we have to sell it,

won't it?

- Yes,

but we'll have to be able to
buy it before we can sell it.

- Oscar, you're going to
worry me into an early grave.

- I’ll have my usual Albert.

What about you darling?

Gonna have one for the road.

- No thanks, I’m too nervous.

- How's things going over there?

- Fine, we're practically finished.

- Well, I don't worry or anything,

but if the show does happen to be no good.

They'll get over to me all the quicker.

- Well, that's a kind thought for today.

- Are you and Dave all
set for going to town?

- Yes, he's picking me up at the theatre.

- Fine, now remember what I said.

Go around to all the old places,

spread the good news,

and to get them all
together up at Maxie's.

And remember,

I want two good acts
and half a dozen girls.

- We'll be lucky if we get them.

People don't like taking shares nowadays,

especially the girls.

They like their pay guaranteed.

- But you're going to get them Sal,

you've got to get them.

We must start rehearsing tomorrow.

- Well, I’ll do what I can.

I better go now.

- Good, good luck.

- Thanks, I’ll need it.

- Mr. Knowles, isn't it?

- That's right.

- Excuse me, but we would
like to congratulate you

on what y'all did with
his final old theatre.

- Thanks, it was hard
work, but it was worth it.

- Oh yes, indeed.

My heart bleeds,

when I think of all these fine,
old musicals closing down.

May I offer you a drink?

- Thanks, I’ll have a scotch.

- Certainly.

Three double whiskeys please.

- Right you are, sir.

By the way,

are you putting on a
show there of your own?

- Well, that's the general idea.

- Tell me, is it going to be a success?

- Of course, if I am putting the show on,

it must, mustn't it?

- Not necessarily,

these days with tax evasions
to be concerned about.

Sometimes, it's more
profitable to put on a flop.

- More profitable?

I don't get that.

- Just strategy, pure strategy my friend.

- Pure strategy.

- Perhaps you'd like to come up

and see me in my office sometime.

I can explain more fully, my card.

- Your three double scotches, sir.

- Well, here's down the hatch.

- Down the hatch,

that reminds me of when I was in the navy.

- Were you in the Navy?

- Was I in the navy?

I was in the Scharnhorst too.

I’d like to show you.

Let me tell you, look,

here we have the Scharnhorst

Over there we have the Gneisenau

And here we have the Grafton Spain.

We manoeuvre around the back,

bang, bang, bang down,
and down goes the Scharnhorst.

Through their own smokescreen,

let a torpedo go, and whoof'.

Down goes the Gneisenau.

And what do you think the
Grafton Spain did, the coward?

Pull the bung out of the
bottom of and down she went.

Pure strategy my friends, pure strategy.

Tu-Tu.

- That'll be 15 shillings.

- You pay.

- Let me do the talking, Maxie likes me.

- So too me, but,

how are we going to break it to him

that we've gone through Jimmy's overdraft?

- Leave it to me.

- I don't know.

- Come on.

We want to see Maxie.

- Heya, wait your turn.

- Oh, wait a minute,

we haven't come here for work.

- We'll you've come to the
right place pretty girl.

- Hey, what's going on here?

Sit down, sit down all of you, sit down.

What's the meaning of this here?

- Search me.

- This isn't the general waiting room.

Get out of here, all of you.

Work?

Work, I haven't got any work, scram'.

All of you, get out.

- Just a minute Maxie.

- I told you there is
nothing, absolutely nothing.

Get out, get out.

- But you don't understand,

I brought you a manager.

- Come in, come in please.

Come in, come right in.

- Well, what do you know, again?

- Sit down please, sit down.

- Thanks Maxie.

- You know David Laws.

- Surely, who doesn't?

So you're in management now Mr. Laws, ey?

- Well no--

- Well yes, not only
that, he owns a theatre.

- No'.

Well, that is good news.

Which one Mr. Laws?

- The Mess... The Majestic, at Felham

- Wasn't that place
bombed out or something?

- Yes.

- Yes, but we've had it all done out

and you wouldn't know it now.

- Well, well, what do you know.

Maybe we could do some business Mr. Laws.

- We certainly can.

What we need is a few good acts
and a bunch of chorus girls.

- Don't you worry Sally,
I can give you the best.

- Of course you'll need
a well balanced bill.

Lt cost you around about 600.

Or, were you prepared to spend more?

- Well, you understand it
cost a little bit of money

to put the place in shape and--

- Of course.

of course I understand.

- Well, funds are a little low now and--

- Yes, yes.

- Well, we thought,

we'd like everybody to come in on shares.

- Just take a percentage of the profits

at the end of the--

- It's a very good proposition Maxie.

- You think I could interest
anyone in taking a chance

on sharing profits to that flip it.

Me, I couldn't even interest myself.

- But Maxie, I’m sure if you'd
talk to them they'll listen.

- All right you go and talk to them,

I have more profitable
ways of wasting my time.

- But Maxie?

- All right, go ahead, go ahead.

- Quiet, quiet, everybody.

Quiet, listen, listen, listen to me.

This is the setup,

We're opening a show

at Majestic Theatre,
Felham on August the 4th.

We want to run right through to Christmas,

change every four weeks,
anybody interested?

- Yes.

- Good, there's just one thing,

for the first few weeks,

you'll have to take a percentage.

- Can you guarantee anything?

- A fiver.

- We'll take a chance with you Sally.

- Good, thank you boys.

- What about speciality?

- Jimmy's looking into it.

- I hope he has better luck than we had.

- Yeah.

- Good bye Sally.

- Hello Lilly.

- Sally.
- Hello, how are you?

- Sorry I was late.

- Rehearsals start in a moment.

Nice couple.

- Everything ready on stage Jim?

- Yeah, we're all here except one.

- I say Sal, you go on in.

- No, no, no.

You go on in, I’ll wait.

What for?

- For the one whos still to come.

It's only polite.

- Hello Jim,

morning Sally my sweet.

- It's only for polite.

- So, that's why

you wouldn't tell me the
name of the other ones.

- He was all I could get.

- Oh Sal, I’d never believe it of you.

You running after that,

well, I mean I've--

- Hello, Sally?

Hello Jimmy darling?

Isn't he wonderful to be
working together again?

- Well, I had to get somebody.

Now you're all here, let's get to it,

there's plenty to do.

Hello, Joey.

- Hello.

- Where's your script?

- Here.

- Good.

I think we'll start with my boxing sketch.

- Yeah.

- Lower away Joe'.

- Hey, hey, I’m the boss here.

- I was only helping you.

- Oh I say Jim?

- Yeah?

- How would you like to play
my son in another sketch?

- I’d like that.

- You'd like it?

- Mm-hmm.

- All right.

- Good'. I’m in the act.

- Rigby, I want to see you for a moment.

- I’ll never get that damn phrase right?

- Lt sounded fine to me.

How are the bookings going?

- Wonderful.

Just wonderful.

- So you're a one Punch Milligan.

That's right, One Punch.

Why do they call you One Punch?

Cause that's all--
- There you are Rigby'.

Good, you got the script?

Lovely.

Now, remember,

you're the trainer and
I’m One Punch Milligan.

- So you're One Punch Milligan?

- That's me, One Punch.

- Why do they call you One Punch?

- That's how all my fights end, one punch.

- All right, strip off.

- Strip off?

- Yes.

- Okay.

- What a specimen?

- Yes, yes.
- Where are your the muscles?

I’ve got them in here, somewhere.

- What's wrong with this one here?

- That's it.

- Pull 'em round, that's it.

Now then, don't you
ever take any exercise?

- I’m up every morning
punching away at the old bag.

- How long for?

- As long as she can stand it.

That's a funny line, that.

- Who wrote this script?

- I did.

- That's terrible.

Let's see your stance.

- My stance.

- No, no, no, tuck your chin in.

Tuck your elbows in, tuck your chest in,

tuck your stomach in, that's it.

- What do you think I am?

A bed seat?

- That's much better.

- This painter's bill needs paying.

- Yeah, I know it.

Lt worries me Jim being under
the bank for all that money.

- Don't worry about Jim.

And don't worry about yourself either.

- Can't help it Sally.

It's been such a long time now.

The thought of facing an
audience, I get panicky.

- You got to go through with it David,

it's important to all of us.

- Now then, let's see your punching.

Get on the ball.

Hey'.

- On the ball?

This is right up my street.

Well it's a smasher that one, isn't it?

- Take it easy.

Look out'.

Now, get away from there a minute.

- Rigby your own glove.

- Thanks very much.

Well, well, well, the horizontal champion.

Now come on, square up.

- Oh here.

- Now look, I’m gonna
throw a right at you.

- Right.
- So watch it,

watch it.

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

Knocking Rigby.

Now look, the next move is this.

I’ll do a bit of mixing here.

A bit of business round the back of you.

I’m merely waiting for
an opening, you see.

Now you make a go for me, I dodge you.

And that's it you see,

I’ll make an opening and out you go.

No, no, why do you want to do that for?

I just want you to try and hit me.

- Well, that's what I did, didn't I?

- Oh no, no no, when I say try and hit me,

I don't want you to try and hit me,

I want you to try and not hit me.

- Oh, I see.

You want me not to try and hit you.

- I said don't try.

- Yes, I see.

- I’ll do a bit more smiling up, Jim.

I went there for the one punch,

I’m going to give you, you see

Now you come for me and I, er

What are you waiting for, hit me.

- Well, you wrote the script.

- You know the show.

That will keep the cash customers away.

Thank goodness advanced booking is good.

- I’m afraid it isn't, Jim.

- What?

- We sold just over 100 seats.

- Just tell what 100 seats.

When I painted less in my time.

Dave, here they come.

- Come on Jim, good luck.

- Good luck.

- Hey, you're just in time, sir.

I’ve got some lovely stalls.

- No thanks, just waiting for the bus,

got to get home.

Tele variety show on tonight.

- You're just in time, sir,

we've got some beautiful stalls.

- Stalls.

- How many?

- 24.

- Yes sir.

- Well, Jim our own show underway at last.

- Yeah wasn't it wonderful, Sal.

Rain or no rain, this is the
greatest night of my life.

- If not the most profitable.

- We will make a success of it, Sally,

you see,

We've got to just think,

no more trading around in coming date,

in third rate shows.

- We'll get rid of the flat
and buy a house of our own.

We'll put a bit by

We might have another go at
starting that family.

- Why you sentimental
old so and so.

And I thought you married me for my money.

- Hurry up you two, Rigby's on.

- Night Owl please.

- Well, how's the girl going over there?

- Smashing.

- Yeah, you do surprise me.

- Surprise you with nothing.

We've got a wonderful bill.

You should have heard the
applause that Jimmy Knowles got

and so we went over big.

Everybody sing.

- Watch it Jimmy something
going on out there

- What do you mean?

- I don't know but it doesn't feel right.

You're on.

- Oh dear, I’m tired, what a day I’ve had.

I think I will have 40
weeks in the old chair.

And wake up nice and fresh
and get on with the new work

- Hello mom.

- Oh Dear, what are you doing after bed?

- I just came down to see you.

- Will you get your feet off me rockers.

- All right then.

- Every time I’m having
five minutes in the chair,

you've got to come down and disturb me.

- Well, no.

- You can stand for two minutes.

- Alright then, I won't make a noise.

I’ll keep quiet.

- Will you get your feet off me rockers.

- All right then, I’ll
play with the aeroplane.

- You play with the aeroplane.

- Look, see I made it myself.

- I can see that, yes.

- Look, see you're not looking.

- I’m looking, yes I’m looking.

- Two jets there and two jets there.

- There will your jet somewhere
else if you don't shut up.

- Swept by wings.

- Look, you'll be having
swept back ears and all.

Now be quiet.

- All right then, now I’ll keep quiet.

- Take it away.

- Oh no, what do you want to do that for?

- Taking my mouth for a hanger.

That's what you do

- Well I wasn't doing
anything with it

- What you're talking about?

- Well I wasn't doing anything--

- You might have hurt me with it.

- Well I didn't did I?

- Well you might have done

- As only just going around--

- Will you stop it

- Well there is no need to take it--

go
away and leave me alone

- You always tell me to do.

I was just going like that with
and I never touched you

- Open the gate he's always up--

- Stop hitting me as well

- I haven't touched you what's the matter.

- I’ll go into the garden

and dig up a worm

and eat it and then I’ll die.

and a great big long one like that

- Take it away don't be filthy

- Like that one down there

would you like to go to heaven?

When you die little worm?

well go then

- Well just let me stay
up just for five minutes.

- You always find your way on my lap.

Don't you?

- Yes just for five--

- But keep still

- Alright then, just five minutes

- Just five minutes

- Both of us together

I’ll close my eyes

- And close your mouth as well, will you?

- See I have closed my eyes.

- Will you keep still.

- Am still.

- Keep quiet.

- Am quiet.

I’m breathing.

- Well will stop.

- I can't

Well, sing for me then aye.

- No look I’ll sing for you.

If you promise me

you will be a good boy
and you'll be quiet.

- I promise

- You do?

- Am done.

- You are dirty little monkey.

- Yeah I promised.

- Alright, I’ll sing for you in a minute.

- In a minute?

- Yes

- In a minute.

It's a minute now.

- In a minute

- Another minute?

Its nearly two now.

I’ll go on then.

- Oh, you are a bad boy--

I love you

- Gonna be rough out there

- Forget it just a couple
of drunks acting up.

You are next?

- Sally

- Ann what are you doing back stage?

Does David know you are here?

- No don't you worry about that.

- Don't let him see you

he's nervous enough as it is.

- But Sally there is trouble out front.

- Sal, they gave me the

Drunks?

- No I know drunk this is deliberate

they are trying to wreck the show

- But why?

- That's easy there is a couple

who would like to do the show flopped.

- Grimes and Farrow strategy.

Come quickly. It's getting
terrible out there

you've gotta do something.

- Blimey, Dave's on.

- I know Jim, I gotta an idea come on.

- Smiles make me cry.

- Drop the curtain.

- No.

- I’m going on.

- Dave what happened to you?

- A great, big Royal flop.

That's what happened to me

It's a good thing

Ann was there to pull me out, again.

- Get changed for the finale.

- I’ve had my finale.

I’m finished, washed up.

Kaput you heard them out there.

- What? That's organized stuff.

Someone's paying them to do that.

- What's the difference.

Lt was a crazy idea in the first place.

The way business is today

Theatres being sold
all over the country.

Do you honestly expect people to come in

and see a tin pot little show like this.

- Tin pot little show.

I like that.

We've got a good show Dave.

- Good show, a bunch of
deadbeats who couldn't get a job.

Any place else.

You call that a good show.

- What the blazers do you mean dead beats?

That's fine.

Coming from you.

I’m sorry, Dave.

I didn't mean that.

Let's forget it, aye.

Look, you skip the
finale and skip that too.

We'll call a rehearsal in the morning.

Okay?

At it boy.

- Hold on for the finale please.

- I’m on, see you later.

- Morning everybody.

- Morning miss Sally.

- Hello, girls.

- Hi.

- What's the matter with you,
they send you to Coventry?

Go on Jim be yourself.

- Good morning boys and girls

I’m sorry I’m late.

- Morning.

- Hello Joey where's my script.

- Hello, here.

- Well thanks,

Now I want to make a few changes here

and...

Why are you all looking so gloom?

There's nothing to worry about.

Let me tell you the
audience should be loved it.

Except a bunch of stinkers.

Well, they were alright for me.

- Yes, dear.

- Of course, they were
dog doesn't eat dog.

- Please.

- Sal, if you don't mind Shirley

I say Sal, I think
we'll make a few changes

in the running order.

- Yes.

- Now I’ll tell you what we'll do.

We'll put Rigby first

after the interval and move the

soldier's Sketch up at his spot.

- And the best of luck.

- You needn't bother going any further

- Oh, hello Dave.

We're making a few changes for tonight.

- Yeah, I heard.

You needn't bother.
There isn't going to be any tonight.

We're closing the show.

- Dave,

you can't do that.

- Just a minute.

- I have to.

- Sorry, that's how it is.

- Have you forgotten that Jimmy and I have

shares in the show.

- No, I haven't forgotten.

- Then why, wouldn't we be consulted.

- Wasn't time.

- Well, there's time now

and we intend to keep
on with or without you.

- And that goes for all of us.

- Go ahead.

Take my share of the show
too, and not in this theatre.

- So that's how it is.

You being on the Grimes and Farrow.

- They offered to buy the place providing

I closed the show right away.

Well, what would you have done?

- Don't leave them in the lurch David.

- What businesses is it of yours.

- It's just that I don't
want you to let them down

that's all.

- Why should you care?

You got what you wanted.

I’m a big flop, go ahead.

Call your lawyers.

- Ann you must tell him.

- It's no use, Sally.

Lt was a lousy idea any way.

- Lt isn't the first disappointment we've

had and it won't be the last.

- I suppose it's back

to our old Maxie's waiting room.

- Yes I suppose so.

- Let's go.

- Say you better change it or
something more comfortable.

- Well, where did we go from here?

- There's always TV.

- I could see that coming a mile off.

I wonder what Crawley
Walters is doing now.

- Come in.

- Did you want to see me Ronnie?

Forgive my working clothes.

- I’ll forgive your
clothes, but not your work.

What?

- That last Programme of yours?

- Oh, that as a matter of
fact Ronnie, I thought--

- I’m not in the least
concern with what you thought

Crawley, that Programme was terrible.

Every viewer and TV critic in the country
tore it shreds.

- Yes I must say that did surprise me.

Lt really did because in point of fact,

my family rather liked it.

- Your family always do.

What sort of family have you anyway?

All halfwits.

- Now steady Ronnie.

I don't think you
appreciate the difficulties.

I was working under.

Now, first of all it was Jerry Lomas,

throwing temperaments all over the place--

- Blame who you like Crawley.

The point is the general service.

Isn't good enough to hold a half hour show

and they should have known that.

You needed a good meaty comic in there.

- I did try to get fun.

It's funny you say that.

I auditioned several.

I think that's very meaty, yes.

- Well, never mind.

Anyway, I’m taking the series of.

- Taking it off?

- Yes, as head of light entertainment.

I just can't continue with that show.

I bought my own job, I think.

- No, but Ronnie, what
about Saturday night show?

- Cancel it.

Cancel all contracts.

Put on another show.

Half an hours variety

or something, anything but
another Jerry Lomas show.

- It's a bit short notice, isn't it?

I mean it's only four days.

- But if you sit there much
longer and a little bit three

go ahead and get going then.

Get going.

Get me the director general.

Oh, hello sir.

It's about the Jerry Lomas.

Yes, I know what you thought about it Sir.

Oh, I wouldn't say that bad.

It's all according to taste, of course

as a matter of fact,
my family rather liked it.

Oh, grand thank you.

Arthur is too busy to do it.

- I’ve never known him when he wasn't.

Four days, there must be somebody free.

Meaty comics, Jimmy Knowles try him.

Free mantle 9006.

Free mantle 9006.

- Nine.

- 0

- 0

- 0, six

0, six.

- Wish I never heard
of see, Jerry Lomas.

- Do you know a funny
thing about that Programme

my girlfriend's brother's wife's
father owns a butcher shop

and he said the other day a man came

in and he said, Oh Mr.
Knowles please thank you.

- Well, what did he say?

- He's gone to fetch him,

- No. About the Jerry Lomas Programme.

- Oh yes.

Well you see my girlfriend's
brother's wife's father.

Owns a butcher shop.

- Yes I heard that.

- That's right, and you see

He said that this man came and he said...

Mr. Knowles just one moment please

I have a call for you, Mr. Crawley Walters.

- Thank you.

Hello? Mr. Knowles.

- Well, what do you want?

- Mr Knowles,

I have a half hour
Programme on Saturday night

I wonder if you'll be free.

- Yes. I’m free.

All right.

- Yes, he's free.

- As a matter of fact, we've
got a show that just packed up

- But could we tell

televise that you, think?

- Well, I don't know.

Yes, you could do an excerpt from it

from the theatre, but think
how much easier it'll be for you

all our sets and props are still there.

- Right? I’ll make the
necessary arrangements.

The Majestic Felham.

Write it down the Majestic Felham.

Good, well, I’ll meet you
there at three o'clock.

- Sal, oh boy

- I have to go right away

- Okay.

By the way

Ms. Brockleback.

What did that man say?

- I don't know

I wasn't listening.

- No. The man in the butcher shop.

- Oh, him

- What he say?

- He said he thought the Programme stunk.

- Everyone tells me I’m a star tonight.

Sal what do you think.

- What?

- That was Crawley Walters,

he's going to televise us
on Saturday from a theatre.

It's all fixed.

- No need to shout out.

- Oh, I’m sorry, Sal,

but do you realise what this means to us?

Half an hour

of our show on TV and we are made.

- Jim put me down.

- Can you imagine what's
gonna happen to us.

Ooh, I’m so happy.

I’m so happy.

- The theatre.

- The theatre. Grimes and Farrow.

- David.

- Oh, to hell with them.

Our stuff's still there

they can't stop us.

- What about the rest of the company?

They've all gone.

We'll round them up somehow.

We are going to do this show Sal.

If we have to do it on our own.

- Are you ready Mr. Knowles?

- Well I tell you what...

- Good.

Are you ready?

- Not quite.

- Are you ready?

- Not quite.

- Fine, let's go.

Announcement should be coming up.

Now.

Lt is.

- It's just eight o'clock.

We were to have shown you another Programme

in the Jerry Lomas series

as advertised, however, owing
to illness in the cast.

The shows had to be cancelled.

Instead we're taking you

over to the Majestic
Theatre Felham to see an excerpt

from the review "Stars Ln Your Eyes."

- She's far too beautiful for television

I’ve always said so.

- I want to see the producer.

- Have you an appointment?

- Alright, in there.

- I better go and see them.

Mortimer, take over will you?

Good evening, gentlemen.

Can I be of any--

- Who's in charge here?

- I’m in charge here.

My name is Crawley--

- Listen you can't give this
performance in this theatre.

- Walters.

- What?

- I have an injunction.

You didn't get the owner's
consent to use this space.

- You have a what?

- Injunction.

- Oh dear.

I’m so sorry.

Are you the owner?

- No, but I have an
agreement of sale made out to me

by the owner.
Have a read?

Oh yes.

- Well, Dave you are in the chair.

That's up to you.

But before you make a decision

there's something I’ve got to tell you.

Lt was Ann that put
the money up for start.

- What?

- Yes and that routine

about taking your kid away from you,

was just her idea to get
you back on your feet again.

- Well you gotta get that
contract back, but how?

- I’ll show you.

- Over to me.

- Over here.

- Steady.

- No.

- Down the wing, pass to the center

- Nice and steady

- Shoot, shoot, shoot'.

- Goal'.

- You can't do that.

I’ll have the law on you.

- He'll have the law...

You remember the last
time we had the law on us...

- Palace, Halifax.

- That was it.

They closed the show.

What a great number you
had in that beautiful girl

with the curves

- And the ooh.

- And what a beat it had too,

one, two, three, four and five.

- I say. Laws and
Hart reunited on TV.

This will hit the headlines, Mortimer.

- Well I’m looking for three new recruits.

Halt'. So, there you are.

come on get into that uniform

Where's the other one?

the one with the long rubber neck.

Oh, so there you are.

I say, what do you think you're doing.
You're in the army.

What you messing about for?

Come on, as you were.
What's the matter with you.

I say. Don't do that.

What's the matter with you?

Wow, trying to make a
monkey out of me, hey?

- Impossible.

- I’ll put you through your paces.

You horrible looking man.

- A great little show this makes it.

- What did they tell you Jack.

Listen to me now,
stick that chest out.

I can't it's fastened to me back.

- Come on get into these trousers

I want you all in line

about five minutes.
No messing about.

What are you down there?
Where do you think you're going?

Now come on, let's have some order.

You are in the army now

this is not

Hey you think you are
in the foreign legion

Come on, your in the army now.

I want you all in line.
Come on let's have some order.

Oh, you.

- Hello Sarge

- Get in the line.

You may have broke your mother's heart but

you won't break mine.

Come on that's an order.

Put the rifle on your shoulder.

- Why don't you say please?

- Put it on your shoulder.

- I’m fed up with it.

Turn it around the other way

- Oh make up your mind which
way you want it will you?

- Now put the butt
in the palm of your hands.

- Oh glory be

what's the matter with you.

- Turn your rifle around.

- Well make up your mind.

Oh, you're driving me mad,
the lot of you.

- I’ll throw this at you.

Platoon'.

- Took enough time.

in about two minutes.

Platoon'.

- You're driving me mad

company, mark time.

Not like that, like this

Left, right, left right

to sit and ride in a bicycle, left.

- It's awfully good isn't it?

- Yes.

- But I’ve always
thought he was very funny

- I discovered him, you know

I can always spot a winner

you know,
the whole thing was my idea.