Original subtitles

HEY! HOLD ON!

WHOA. JUST IN TIME, HUH?

JUST IN TIME.

WAIT!

I'M SORRY,I'M JUST...

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING

WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TODROP A LETTER IN THE BOX,

AND THEN YOU FREEZE,

AND THEN THAT WEIRD VOICEIN YOUR HEAD YELLS "WAIT!"

BUT WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I'M NOT A KIDANYMORE, RIGHT?

AND I CAN'T WAIT FOREVER.

NEITHER CAN I.

SORRY.

I JUST DON'T WRITEA LOT OF LETTERS.

SEE, IT'S LIKERIPPING OFF A BANDAGE,

YOU JUST GOTTA DO IT FASTAND SCREAM, RIGHT?

DON'T SCREAM.

[LIGHT CHUCKLE]

OKAY.

WHAT GOOD IS A LETTERIF YOU DON'T MAIL IT?

OKAY.

HERE GOES!

OKAY. BYE.

[♪♪]

[SERVER, GRAHAM]:ARE NOT.

[SERVER, NIKKI]:ARE TOO.

ARE NOT.

WANNA BET?JUST LOOK AT THEM.

THEY DANCE LIKETHEY KNOW THE STEPS,

BUT THEY CAN'TFIND THEIR RHYTHM.

MAYBE THEYKNOW THE STEPS

BUT THEY'VE LOSTTHEIR RHYTHM?

SOMETIMES THINGSCHANGE, I GUESS.

BUT THAT WON'THAPPEN WITH US.

"NIKKI AND GRAHAMFOREVER," RIGHT?

[CHUCKLESAS CELL PHONE RINGS]

AH, I GOTTA GET THIS.

I'LL DOTHE APPETIZERS.

THANKS.

LOVE YOU.

[PHONE BEEPS ON]

HEY.

NO. NOT YET.

I NEED TO FIGURE OUTTHE BEST WAY TO DO THIS.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT I'VE GOT THIS HANDLED.JUST TRUST ME.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[BEEPS PHONE OFF]

[♪♪]

[SOBBING]

[TELEVISION PROGRAMPLAYS FAINTLY]

NOW, HERE WE GO!

NO...

NO. NO.

AHH!

♪ OH, YEAH, BABY

♪ LIKE A FOOL I WENTAND STAYED TOO LONG ♪

♪ NOW I'M WONDERINGIF YOUR LOVE'S STILL STRONG ♪

♪ OOH, BABY

♪ HERE I AMSIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED ♪

♪ I'M YOURS

♪ MM

♪ THEN THAT TIME I WENTAND SAID GOODBYE ♪

♪ NOW I'M BACKAND NOT ASHAMED TO CRY ♪

♪ OOH, BABY

♪ HERE I AM

♪ SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

♪ I'M YOURS

♪ AHH!

♪ HERE I AM

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.

NORMAN, RITA, SHA--

MS. McINERNEY.

HAPPY MONDAY, OLIVER.

[OLIVER]:ANYTHING PRESSING?

UH, NO. JUST THE USUAL.

EXCEPT FOR THIS.

OH...

[SNIFFING]

HMM.

PINE TAR...

AND EVERGREEN.

THE FLORIDA YEW, I BELIEVE?

OH! THE FLORIDA YEW

ONLY GROWS INNORTHERN FLORIDA,

ON THE EASTERN SIDE OFTHE APALACHICOLA RIVER.

SADLY, WE WILL NEVER KNOWTHAT STORY.

NORMAN, WILL YOU DISPATCHTO THE MIAMI BRANCH?

YOU GOT IT.

OH! I MIGHT STOP BY PASSPORTS.

ELEANOR GOTA NEW BLENDER

AND SHE'S MAKINGSMOOTHIES.

-DOES ANYBODY WANT ONE?-OOH. YES, PLEASE.

I'M IN.

I'M A YOO-HOO MAN, USUALLY,BUT I MIGHT TRY BRANCHING OUT.

[NORMAN]: OH...

'KAY.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD USE THIS TIMETO, UM, GET A JUMP

ON OUR "IMPOSSIBLY RIPPEDAND MANGLED" BOX.

[♪♪]

WE USUALLY DO THOSEAT THE END OF THE MONTH.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO

BRANCH OUTWITH THAT, TOO?

[ANNOUNCEMENT BLARES]:OLIVER O'TOOLE, PLEASE REPORT

IMMEDIATELY TO THE OFFICE OF POSTAL SECURITY.

O'TOOLE TO O.P.S.

WE SHALL SEE.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED WITHYOUR DATE SATURDAY NIGHT?

DID YOU WEAR THE PINK DRESS?

YES.

AND?WHAT HAPPENED AT THE END?DID HE KISS YOU?

WELL...

WELL, SOMETHING HAPPENED,

'CAUSE HE ISDRINKING SMOOTHIES,

AND HE ALMOSTCALLED YOU SHANE.

NO, HE DIDN'T.

YES, HE DID.HE SAID, AHEM--

[AS OLIVER]:"GOOD MORNING, UH, SH--

MS. McINERNEY."

THERE WAS NO "SH--"

I DIDN'T HEAR A "SH."

[ANNOUNCEMENT]:SHANE McINERNEY TO THE FRONT DESK.

SHANE McINERNEY.

WHAT IS GOING ON TODAY?

SHANE!

DO I--?

IT'S NIKKI.YOUR SERVER FROM SATURDAY NIGHT.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

THAT'S RIGHT. A DUCK.

AND A CAN OF BEANS!

BEANS.

NEVER SEENANYTHING LIKE IT.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

YEAH. HE JUST ARRIVED.

GOT IT.

[HANGS UP]

O'TOOLE.

MR.KIMSICLE.

GLAD TOHAVE YOU ABOARD.

WE NEED A MANWHO KNOWS THE ROPES--

THE SAILS,THE LAY OF THE LAND,

THE WHOLE ENCHILADA,FROM STEM TO STERN.

COULD YOU...ELABORATE?

NOW, THAT IS WHAT I MEAN.

WE NEED A SMART GUY AROUND HEREWHO KNOWS ABOUT ELABORATING.

OH.

FOUR DAYS AGO,

AN UNIDENTIFIED PERPETRATOR

REMOVED THE MAILFROM THIS MAILBOX

AND REPLACED ITWITH A DUCK.

UH, I BELIEVETHAT MAY BE A GOOSE.

YOU'RE THINKINGALREADY.

I LIKE THAT.

[SNIFFS]THREE DAYS AGO,

THE MAILWAS TAKEN FROM HERE

AND REPLACED WITHTWO TINY PEOPLE IN A TENT.

SO, A WEDDINGCAKE TOPPER,

A GOOSE,

AND MAY I ASSUMEA THIRD MAILBOX

YIELDED A CANOF KIDNEY BEANS?

AH, YES, YOU MAY.

AND YOU MAYALSO ASSUME

THAT YOU

AND THAT WEIRD LITTLE TASK FORCEOF YOURS

ARE GOING TO FIND THIS GUY.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE

THIS FALLS UNDER THE AEGISOF THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE.

PERHAPS THE POLICE OR F.B.I.--

O'TOOLE!

IF WORD GETS OUT

BEFORE WE KNOWWHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH,

WE COULD HAVE RAMPANT HYSTERIARUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WE NEED TO KEEP THIS IN-HOUSEAS LONG AS WE CAN.

HAS ANYONE DUSTED THE BEANSFOR FINGERPRINTS?

THAT LITTLE GUY IN YOUR OFFICE,WITH THE SUITCASE,

DOESN'T HE USUALLY DO THAT?

YES, BUT--

AND THE OTHER TWO,

THE SKINNY ONEAND THAT "SHANE" GAL.

MS. McINERNEY.

OH, SHE IS A LIVE-WIRE.

NOTHIN' GETS PAST HER, HUH?

NOT THAT I'M AWARE OF.

SO THERE ARE NO OTHER LEADS?

OH, JUST ONE.

YEAH, THIS WAS FOUND SATURDAYIN BOX 458.

IT'S SOME KINDOF FANCY LANGUAGE,

LIKE GREEK OR PERUVIAN.

IT'S LATIN.

OR LATIN.

I'M GUESSING

THAT IS A CLUEOF MASSIVE PROPORTIONS.

YES.

YES, IT'S DEFINITELY A CLUE.

[CHUCKLES]

I LOVE THIS GUY!

ONE MORE DAY.

IF I HAD JUST WAITEDONE MORE DAY

AND THOUGHT IT THROUGH,

BUT NO, I HAD TO SEND IT.

I HAD TO SAY IT--

"LET'S GET MARRIED."

THEN I GIVE IT TO THE MAILMANAND, FOR A FEW HOURS,

I ACTUALLY FEEL,YOU KNOW... HOPE.

UNTIL...

OH, GOD, IF HE GETS IT NOW,

I'LL BE UTTERLYHUMILIATED,

OR WORSE--MORTIFIED.

OR...

WHAT'S WORSE--MORTIFIED OR PITIED?

NIKKI,

GETTING A LETTER BACKONCE IT'S MAILED

IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE.

THEN THAT'S IT.

LISTEN.

FILL THIS OUT,

THEN HAVE THEM COME GET ME.

I'LL WALK THIS ONTO THE FLOORAND I'LL LOOK FOR IT MYSELF.

HEY! EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH.STRANGE, THOUGH.

IT WAS OUR WAITRESSFROM MONTALDO'S.

SHE NEEDEDA FORM 10-67E.

SO TELL MEABOUT THAT DINNER!

WELL, LET'S SEE.

START FROMTHE BEGINNING.

HE WAS REALLY NERVOUS AT FIRST.

AND THEN WE STARTED DANCINGAND THINGS GOT BETTER, UNTIL...

UNTIL...?

UNTIL WE STOPPED DANCING.

[ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL PLAYSAS PATRONS QUIETLY CHAT]

[OLIVER]:"THE WATER IS WIDE,

"I CANNOT CROSS O'ER,

AND NEITHER HAVE ITHE WINGS TO FLY..."

"GIVE US A BOATTHAT CAN CARRY TWO

"AND BOTH SHALL ROW

TO YONDER SIDE."

I'VE NEVER HEARD"TO YONDER SIDE."

ISN'T IT "AND BOTH SHALL ROW,MY LOVE AND I"?

IT'S, UH, AN ARCHAIC TUNE.

TRADITIONAL LYRICS

OFTEN EVOLVE OVER TIME.

I JUST CHOSEAN ALTERNATE TRANSLATION.

HUH.

[DINERS APPLAUDING AS SONG ENDS]

SHALL WE?

THANK YOU.

I SEE YOU'RE ENJOYINGTHE CHAMPAGNE?

OH, YES,IT'S AMAZING.

THE SERVICE HEREIS EXCELLENT.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET.JUST WAIT FOR THE SHOW.

BY THE WAY, DO EITHER OF YOUHAVE ANY FOOD SENSITIVITIES?

NO, WE DON'T.

GOOD.

WE HAVE ANAMUSE BOUCHEFOR YOU THIS EVENING--

A SHRIMP-AND-SASHIMI CROUTON,

COMPLIMENTS OF THE CHEF.

"AMUSE BOUCHE."

A MILLENNIAL PHENOMENON.

[CHUCKLING]

A WHAT?

OH, HE JUST MEANS

THAT PEOPLE WEREN'THAVING THEIR...

"BOUCHES" AMUSEDBACK IN THE 20th CENTURY.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I KNEW IT.

I'M SORRY?

MY BOYFRIEND WORKS HERE, TOO,

AND HE WAS SURE YOU GUYSWERE ON YOUR FIRST DATE,

BUT I SAID NO WAY.

I MEAN, WITH THE CHAMPAGNE,THE WAY YOU DANCE,

AND TALK ABOUT EACH OTHER,

THE WAY YOU EVEN KNOWEACH OTHER'S ALLERGIES,

IT'S GOT TO BEYOUR ANNIVERSARY, RIGHT?

NO, ACTUALLY,WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

UH, OF COURSE,

"JUST" IS A RATHERIMPRECISE QUALIFIER.

PERHAPS A MORE ACCURATE--

DID YOU SAY SOMETHINGABOUT A SHOW?

AH, RIGHT! WHAT'S MONTALDO'SWITHOUT THE SINGING WAITERS?

ANY REQUESTS?

YES, UH...HOW SOON CAN YOU START SINGING?

OH, WHAT DO KNOW?THAT'S OUR CUE!

[CRUNCHING LOUDLY]

HE REALLY SAID THAT?"JUST FRIENDS"?

YEP! ROLLED RIGHTOFF HIS TONGUE,

LIKE HE WAS ASKINGFOR MORE BUTTER.

OUCH.

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

YOU KNOW, UH, AHEM,

I ACTUALLY DOHAVE AN ALLERGY--

A SLIGHT SENSITIVITYTO ROSEHIP TEA,

BUT I DON'T EXPECT YOUTO KNOW THAT.

I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

NO ROSEHIPS.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO LEARNSOMETHING NEW ABOUT A FRIEND.

SPEAKING OF ROSES,

DID YOU EVER PLANT THAT CUTTINGFROM YOUR MOTHER'S ROSEBUSH?

OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE THATYOU SO THOUGHTFULLY GAVE ME

WHEN WE ALL WENT BACK EAST?

YES.

IT NEVER REALLY TOOK.

I THINK IT DIED.

OH, THAT'S A SHAME.

I KNOW. I KNOW. I--

I TRIED EVERYTHINGTO KEEP IT ALIVE.

I WATERED IT, I FED IT,

I TALKED TO IT.

[SHARPLY]: I FERTILIZED IT.

OH.

YOU KNOW THEY SAYTHE BEST FERTILIZER--

WHAT?

UH, SOME BOTANISTS HAVE NOTEDTHAT ROSES TEND TO THRIVE

WHEN LOCATED NEARTHE FINAL RESTING PLACE

OF A FAMILY PET...[TRAILS OFF]

YOU THINK I SHOULD PLANT

A DEAD ANIMALUNDER MY ROSEBUSH?

WELL, ONLY IF YOU HAD ONE.

[ASTONISHED CHUCKLE]

A PET SOUNDSPRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW.

[PIANO MUSIC RISES]

[HOST]:LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MONTALDO'S SUPPER CLUB PROUDLY PRESENTS

AN EVENING OF MUSIC WITH YOUR TALENTED SERVERS.

OPENING OUR SHOW,PLEASE WELCOME NIKKI AND GRAHAM.

[SINGLE NOTE STRIKES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

♪ YOU'RE SO GOOD

♪ YOU'RE TOO GOODFOR ME, YOU ARE ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE BESTDARNED PERSON ♪

♪ I HAVE KNOWN BY FAR

♪ IF I COULD

♪ YOU KNOW I'D NEVERTHROW THIS CURVE ♪

♪ YOU'RE A GODDESS

♪ AND I'M NOTWHAT YOU DESERVE ♪

♪ WHAT I AM SAYING

♪ IS OUR THING MUST END

♪ AND THOUGH IT MUST

♪ I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[NIKKI, POINTEDLY]:"FRIEND."FRIEND!

♪ YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?

♪ SURE

♪ YOU WANT TOBE MY FRIEND? ♪

♪ OH, THAT'S NICE!

♪ YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?

♪ I WANT A FATHERFOR MY UNBORN CHILDREN ♪

♪ SOMEONE WHO'S IN TUNE

♪ AND SINCEI'LL BE 29 NEXT MONTH ♪

♪ I WANT HIM RATHER SOON

♪ I WANT SOMEONETO BUY RUGS AND LAMPS WITH ♪

♪ AND SOMEONEWHO'LL CO-SIGN... ♪

WOW! THE WHOLE SONGWAS LIKE THAT?

YEP. FRIENDS, COMMITMENT,DESPERATION, INFERTILITY...

IT WAS LIKE GROUP THERAPYWITH SEAFOOD.

OHH...

IT TOOK A LITTLE TIME.

ELEANOR'S BLENDERGOT STUCK ON "FRAPPE,"

AND I PICKED UP YOUR MAILFOR YOU FROM THE P.O. BOX.

OH, YOU ARE SO SWEET.

"$50 A MONTHCAN SAVE

"THE BOUVET ISLAND

BURROWINGYELLOWTAIL OWL"?

$50. WOW.

OH, IT'SA VERY WORTHY CAUSE.

HEY. UH, STRAWBERRY, MANGO,AND BLUEBERRY?

[YOO-HOO LID POPS]

[♪♪]

[SHANE]: OLIVER...

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE HAVE BEEN CHARGED

WITH THE GRIM TASKOF INVESTIGATING

THE SYSTEMATICAND, FRANKLY,

BIZARRE PLUNDERINGOF THE UNITED STATES MAIL

FROM OFFICIAL RECEPTACLESIN SOUTH DENVER.

WOW.

WHO WOULD DOSOMETHING LIKE THAT?

IT DOES HAPPEN,I'M AFRAID.

NOT LIKE THIS.

THIS TIME IT'S PERSONAL.

IT'S ONE OF OUR OWN.

"FORSAN ET HAEC OLIM MEMINISSE JUVABIT"

HAS BEEN ENGRAVEDON EVERY "DARK OF NIGHT" AWARD

FOR OVER A HUNDRED YEARS--YOURS, MINE, MY GRANDFATHER'S.

[RITA]:WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

[OLIVER]: WELL,IT'S FROM VIRGIL'S EPIC POEM

OF LOVE AND WAR.

THEY ARE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENTTO A SHIPWRECKED ARMY.

WHAT DOESBEING SHIPWRECKED

HAVE TO DOWITH THE POST OFFICE?

AH. COURAGEAND PERSEVERANCE, NORMAN.

HALLMARKSOF EVERY POSTAL WORKER

WHO'S PERFORMED HIS OR HER DUTYIN THE FACE OF GREAT ODDS

AND RECEIVED ONE OF THESE.

"PERHAPS ONE DAY IT WILL BE GOODTO REMEMBER THIS."

[SHANE]:REMEMBER WHAT?

BEANS, WEDDING CAKES,AND A... DUCK?

IT'S A GOOSE.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

WELL, ALL WE NEEDIS A PARTIAL PRINT,

AND THAT MIGHT BE ENOUGHTO RUN THROUGH A DATABASE.

TOO BAD WE DON'T HAVE ONE.

MS. McINERNEY?

WELL, IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLETO BREAK INTO

THE FBI FINGERPRINT SYSTEM,

BUT IT COULD TAKE SOME TIME--

LIKE 30 YEARS TO LIFE.

ARE YOU SUREWE CAN'T JUST CALL THE POLICE?

WELL, LESTER WAS ADAMANT.

HE ISN'T EASYTO SAY NO TO.

NOTHING.

THIS HAS BEEN WIPED CLEAN.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

WE NEED SOMEONEFROM LAW ENFORCEMENT

WHO CAN GIVE USA PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

OF THE SORT OF PERSONWE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.

WE NEED, UH, WELL, WE NEED--

A "FRIEND"? LIKE DALE?

YES.

OH, WHO'S HE?

DALE IS A SHE.

DALE SINGS IN A CHOIRAT OLIVER'S CHURCH.

DALE IS LOVELY.

WAIT. YOU WENTTO OLIVER'S CHURCH?

MM-HMM. JUSTTO DROP SOMETHING OFF.

HE INTRODUCED ME.

SHE'S A SOPRANO.

AND A POLICEOFFICER.

WELL, TO BE ACCURATE,SHE WAS A POLICE OFFICER.

SHE'S NOW A SPECIAL AGENT

FOR THE STATE DIVISIONOF INVESTIGATIONS.

WELL, SHE SOUNDS PERFECT.

YES, SHE DOES.

RITA...

COULD YOU PACK UP THE BEANSAND THE CAKE TOPPER,

AND THAT PIECEOF PAPER?

AND MS. McINERNEY,BRING YOUR COMPUTER

AND THE MAP OFVIOLATED MAILBOXES.

IT'S NOT MUCH TO GO ON, BUT--

OH, MY GOSH.

OLIVER?

I THINK WE HAVE A WITNESS.

[♪♪]

AND YOU'RE CERTAINYOU SAW HIM

TAKE THE MAILFROM THAT BOX?

POSITIVE!

HE LOCKED UPAND STARTED WALKING AWAY,

AND THAT'S WHENI CAUGHT UP WITH HIM.

WOULD YOU BE ABLETO RECOGNIZE HIM?

PROBABLY.HE SEEMED SORT OF... SAD.

WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS,

THE MAILYOU'RE TRYING TO RETRIEVE

HAS NOT YET BEEN DELIVERED,

BECAUSE IT'S NOT YETENTERED THE SYSTEM.

THE UNFORTUNATE NEWS IS

WE BELIEVE THAT MAILHAS BEEN INVOLVED

IN A SERIESOF UNAUTHORIZED TRANSFERS.

WHAT?

SOMEBODY STOLEA BUNCH OF MAIL.

WELL, YOU'VE GOTTAGET MINE BACK!

WE ARE MAKING EVERY EFF--

I HAVE TO GET IT BACK.IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.

THAT MAN HAS STOLEN HUNDREDS,IF NOT THOUSANDS OF LETTERS.

I ASSURE YOU THAT EVERY ONEOF THEM MATTERS TO SOMEONE.

THEY ALLMATTER TO US.

NIKKI, THINK OF IT LIKE THIS,IF THE LETTER'S REALLY LOST,

THEN AT LEAST GRAHAMWON'T READ IT NOW, RIGHT?

BUT WHAT IF THE MAIL GUY DOES?

[NIKKI SIGHS]

I SHOULD NEVERHAVE MAILED THAT LETTER.

AND I WOULDN'T HAVE,IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT

"WHAT GOOD IS A LETTERIF YOU NEVER MAIL IT?"

[SHANE]:HE'S GOT A POINT.

LOOK, YOU WERE IN LOVEAND YOU TOOK A RISK TO SAY SO.

YOU PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE.

BUT NOW THE LETTERIS OUT THERE...

I HAVE TO GET IT BACK.

I HAVE TO!

WELL, SEEING AS YOU'VECOMPLETED FORM 67E,

AS SOON ASTHE MAIL IS RECOVERED,

WE WILL BE CERTAINTO RETURN IT TO YOU.

IN THE MEANTIME,

I'D LIKE YOU TO GO WITH NORMAN

TO ASSIST IN CREATINGA SKETCH OF OUR SUSPECT.

SURE.

DO YOU LIKE SMOOTHIES?

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHINGSHE'S NOT TELLING US.

SO DO I.

HI, RITA!

OH--

THIS IS NIKKI.

OH! HELLO!

HI.

THAT LETTER SHE WANTS BACK,

SHE THINKS SHE MAY HAVEGIVEN IT TO OUR PERP.

[GASPS] WHOA.YOU MET THE PERP?

HE DIDN'T SEEM LIKE A PERP.

BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU NEVER REALLYKNOW SOMEBODY, DO YOU?

I REALLY KNOW RITA.

[♪♪]

OH. I-- I REALLY LOVEYOUR BLOUSE.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL COLOR.

THANK YOU.

I NEVER USED TO WEAR BLUE,BUT I STARTED TO BECAUSE...

BLUE IS MY BOYFRIEND'SFAVORITE COLOR.

OH...

MY EX-BOYFRIEND.

OH...

[SOBS]

SMOOTHIE?

STRAWBERRY, MANGO, BLUE--

SHH!

UH ...BERRY?

[SHANE]:WOW. KIDNAPPING, EXTORTION,

COUNTERFEITING...

OH, WHEN YOU SAIDSHE WAS A POLICE OFFICER,

I WAS THINKINGPARKING TICKETS.

[AWKWARD CHUCKLE]

DESSERT THE OTHER NIGHTWAS OUT OF THIS WORLD.

YOU SHOULDHAVE TRIED IT.

YES. IT LOOKEDQUITE APPETIZING.

TRUST ME.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME IF WE--UH...

OH, LOOK!

DOESN'T THAT WOMANLOOK A LITTLE

LIKE ELEANORIN PASSPORTS?

[JAZZY BAND MUSIC RISES]

[♪♪]

[BOTH]: OOH!

[♪♪]

[ALL APPLAUDING]

THAT WAS MICHAEL AND SOPHIA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THEY'LL BE BACK LATER.

MY GOODNESS!

THAT WAS VIGOROUS.

I THOUGHTTHEY WERE GREAT.

I ALWAYS ENJOYA SPIRITED PERFORMANCE,

BUT I GUESS I THOUGHTTHE ATMOSPHERE HERE

WOULD BE A BIT MORE, UH,INTIMATE.

WELL, THE LAST TIMEI WAS HERE--

OH, YOU'VE BEEN HERE?

WELL, UH... AHEM.

I THINK THERE WASA SUNDAY BRUNCH

I MAY HAVE ATTENDED.

OR MAYBE IT WAS A LATELATE-AFTERNOON TEA-SLASH-DINNER.

OH.

YEAH, THE CHIEFOF POSTAL SECURITY,

THAT MAN LESTER

IN INTERNAL AFFAIRS,

HE ASKED ME OUT.

YOU CAME HEREWITH LESTER KIMSICLE?

HE WANTED TOGET TO KNOW ME BETTER...

FOR SECURITY REASONS,HE SAID.

OH, YOU WEREON OFFICIAL BUSINESS?

RIGHT.

[RELIEVED SIGH]

AND, IN THE INTERESTOF FULL DISCLOSURE,

I WAS HERE ONCE WITH STEVE.

STEVE?

YOUR OLD FLAMEFROM WASHINGTON?

HE WAS HERE?

THIS IS WHEREWE OFFICIALLY BROKE UP.

[AWKWARD CHUCKLE]

RIGHT THERE.

THAT TABLE WITHTHE LADY AND THE LOBSTER.

I SEE.

IT WAS WHEN I FIRSTMOVED TO DENVER,

AND HE HAD FLOWN INTO CHANGE MY MIND,

BUT BY THEN,I HAD MET YOU-- GUYS,

AND...

I TOLD HIMIT WAS OVER

AND HE SHOULD GO BACK TO D.C.

I'M SORRY

I...

CHOSE A PLACE

FRAUGHT WITH SO MANY MEMORIESFOR OUR FIRST...

UH...

OUR FIRST...

OUR FIRST...?

I WONDER WHERE THE GENTLEMEN'SCONVENIENCE MIGHT BE.

OH, IT'SRIGHT OVER THERE.

PROBABLY.

[NIKKI]:♪ THE MAN LEAVES

THANK YOU.

♪ AND I'M ON MY OWN

♪ I JUST SITAND SIMPLY WATCH THE DOOR ♪

♪ AND TELL MYSELF...

WAS IT, UH, CUSTARD,CURD, OR MERINGUE?

I'M SORRY?

THE DESSERT.

SEE, I PREFER A FILLINGWITH CUSTARD OR A GOOD CURD.

MERINGUE ALWAYS SEEMSA WASTE OF A GOOD EGG.

IT WAS A CUSTARD

WITH A CURD GLAZE.

AH.

OLIVER!

HELLO!

HI!

YOU REMEMBER SHANE.

YES, OF COURSE!COME ON IN.

-PLEASE.-THANK YOU.

[DALE]:WELL, HE'S EDUCATED.

YOU DON'T GET A LOT OFRANSOM NOTES IN LATIN.

BUT YOU DON'T WANT TOMAKE A FORMAL REPORT?

WELL, FOR NOW,

I WAS HOPINGWE MIGHT HAVE

A RHETORICAL CONVERSATIONABOUT THE SORT OF PERSON

WHO MIGHT DO THIS.

OKAY,

WELL, FROM WHAT I CAN TELL,

THIS RHETORICAL PERSON

PROBABLY WORKSFOR THE POST OFFICE.

OLIVER FIGURED THAT OUTRIGHT AWAY,

AND WE HAVE A DESCRIPTIONFROM SOMEONE

WHO HANDED OUR SUSPECTTHE LETTER ON SATURDAY NIGHT.

MALE, GRAY HAIR,PROBABLY OVER 60 YEARS OLD,

AND HE SAID SOMETHINGTO OUR WITNESS

LIKE, UH,

"WHAT GOOD IS A LETTERIF YOU DON'T MAIL IT?"

[CHUCKLES]

WELL, THAT SOUNDSLIKE A PHILOSOPHER

WHO'S TIRED OF DREAMING.

HE WANTS SOMETHING,HE KNOWS YOU WANT THE MAIL BACK,

SO HE'S KEEPING IT HOSTAGE.

YOU THINKHE MIGHT BE DANGEROUS?

IT'S POSSIBLE.

OH, DEAR.

SO WE'RE LOOKINGFOR POSTAL CARRIERS

THAT ARE OVER 60AND DEPRESSED?

[CHUCKLES] WELL,THAT SHOULD NARROW IT DOWN.

YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE MORETO GO ON THAN THAT.

YOU HAVE A CAKE-TOPPER,SOME BEANS, AND...

WHAT IS THIS? A GOOSE?

YES.

HMM. REMEMBER,THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE MAIL.

HE'S PLAYING A GAME.

HE'S NOT JUST SENDING THISTO ANYBODY AT THE POST OFFICE.

HE WANTS SOMEBODY IN PARTICULARTO FIGURE THIS OUT,

AND HE WANTS TO PROVE THATHE'S JUST AS SMART AS THEY ARE.

SO, HE KNOWS THEM?

OH, YES.AND HE HATES THEM.

SO, IF WE DON'TFIGURE OUT THE GAME,

HE'S JUST GONNAKEEP STEALING MAIL

AND LEAVINGWEIRD STUFF BEHIND?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU SEE, THE LATIN QUOTATIONIS DIFFERENT

FROM THE OTHER CLUES.

THIS LITERALLY SAYS"REMEMBERTHIS,"BUT--

BUT...

THERE'SAN ALTERNATE TRANSLATION.

YES!

"PERHAPS SOMEDAYIT WILL BE GOOD

TO REMEMBER THESE THINGS."

THESE THINGS!

RIGHT.

DOES THE POST OFFICEKEEP A RECORD

OF THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE WONTHE DARK OF NIGHT AWARD?

I RAN A SEARCHOF THE LIST

ON THE WAY OVER HERE,

AND I FILTERED FOR

DUCKS, GEESE,CAKE DECORATIONS,

KIDNEY BEANS, BEANS,

YOU NAME IT,AND ALL I GOT

WAS A HUNDRED YEARSOF RECIPIENTS AND DATES.

OH, AND A VERY NICE ARTICLEABOUT US HERE, OLIVER,

WHEN WE GOT OURS.

OH.

YOU NEVER MENTIONED THAT.

OH, WELL, IT WAS A BIT OFA MIRACLE, FRANKLY.

[OLIVER AND DALE CHUCKLE]

OLIVER...

WHAT DID YOUR GRANDFATHER

RECEIVE HIS DARK OF NIGHT AWARDFOR?

HE GAVE UP CHRISTMAS EVEWITH HIS FAMILY

TO STAYIN THE TERMINAL ANNEX

TO HELP A DAMAGEDSHIPMENT OF...

OF GOOSE EGGSHATCH OVERNIGHT!

AND THE KIDNEY BEANS?

WHY KIDNEY BEANS,WHY NOT PINTO OR LIMA?

BECAUSE YOU AND IAND NORMAN AND RITA

HELPED A GIRL WHO NEEDED--

[OVERLAPPING]:...A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT!

OLIVER,

WHAT DID YOUR FATHERGET HIS FOR?

OH, HE NEVER RECEIVED ONE.

WELL, YES, HE DID.

I MEAN, IT'S RIGHT HERE--

"JOSEPH HENRY O'TOOLE".THAT'S HIM, RIGHT?

YES, BUT...

THAT'S IT.HE'S TARGETING O'TOOLES.

I NEED TO FIND MY FATHER.

[♪♪]

[SLURPING]

I THINK HIS EYESWERE FURTHER APART.

OKAY.

WHAT ABOUT THE SH--

[SLURPING]

[♪♪]

THAT'S HER FOURTHBLUEBERRY SMOOTHIE.

I THOUGHT BLUEMADE HER SAD.

[RITA]: YEAH, WELL...

THAT'S WHAT WE DO

WHEN WE'RE GRIEVINGA RELATIONSHIP, NORMAN.

WE REREADALL THE OLD LOVE LETTERS,

WE REVISIT ALL THE OLD PLACES.

WE SEE SOMETHINGLIKE THE COLOR BLUE

OR WE HEAR A CERTAIN SONGAND...

WE CRY.

"WE"?

DID YOU BREAK UPWITH SOMEBODY BEFORE ME?

YEAH. YEAH.

BOB.

YOU DATED A GUY NAMED BOB?

UH...

YEAH.

WHY DIDN'T YOUTELL ME THIS BEFORE?

'CAUSE I'M TELLINGYOU NOW! [CHUCKLES]

I DATEDA GUY NAMED BOB.

UH, HE USED TOWORK AT THE ZOO,

AND THEN HE GOTA JOB OFFER

AT THE BOUVET ISLANDANIMAL RESERVE,

AND HE SAID THAT

ANTARCTICA WASN'T A PLACEFOR A GIRL LIKE ME,

AND-- AND THAT WE SHOULDBREAK UP, YEAH.

OH, SO, YOU WENT OUT, UH,A COUPLE OF TIMES?

WELL, HE LIKED TO TALK.

UH, HE HAD A LOT TO SAY.

[CHUCKLING]

WELL, HOW LONG DID HE TALK FOR?

A MONTH? A YEAR?

NORMAN...

FORGET IT.

HE'S OLD NEWS ANYWAYS,RIGHT?

YEAH.

PRETTY MUCH.

HE'S THE GUY THATI SEND MONEY TO EVERY MONTH,

TO HELP SAVE THE BOUVET ISLANDBURROWING YELLOWTAIL OWL.

YOU SEND YOUR OLD BOYFRIEND$50 A MONTH?

I DON'T LOOK AT ITLIKE THAT ANYMORE,

BUT HE'S DOINGGOOD WORK,

AND YOU KNOW HOWI FEEL ABOUT OWLS.

YES, BUT--

NIKKI?

DID YOU NEEDANOTHER SMOOTHIE?

[THUD]

THERE AREN'T ENOUGH SMOOTHIESIN THE WORLD.

HERE.

WOULD YOU LIKETO TALK ABOUT IT?

WE WERE CLOSING UPAND HE SAID HE WANTED TO TALK.

ARE YOU OKAY?

NIKKI, I, UH...

WHAT IS IT?

YOU ARE THE BEST FRIENDI'VE EVER HAD.

AND WHENWE SING TOGETHER,

IT'S LIKE WE WERE BORNTO BE A TEAM.

I KNOW.

NOW WE'VE BEEN DATINGFOR, I DON'T KNOW--

A YEAR NEXT TUESDAY.BUT?

THERE'S A "BUT" COMING,I CAN FEEL IT.

IT'S JUST THAT...

[SIGHS]

THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

OH, GOD.

YOU'RE GONNA BREAK MY HEART,AREN'T YOU?

LET ME EXPLAIN.

I COULDN'T STAND THERE AND LISTEN

TO ANOTHER GUY TELL ME

"IT'S ALL MOVING TOO FAST,"

OR HE'S MET SOMEBODY ELSE...

OR HE NEEDS TO BE FREE.

SO I RAN AWAY.

AND HE DIDN'T EVEN FOLLOW ME.

SO I JUST KEPT GOING.

[SIGHING HEAVILY]

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW?

YES!

LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

I'VE BEEN WATCHINGTHE WRONG MOVIES.

-[DOOR OPENS] YEAH.-[SHANE]: WE'RE BACK!

HI!

HOW DID IT GOWITH YOUR FRIEND?

IT WAS VERY ENLIGHTENING.

YES, IT WAS.

NORMAN,HOW GOES THE SKETCH?

OH! WELL...

IT'S TAKING LONGERTHAN I THOUGHT.

WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T MENTIONTHE COLOR BLUE.

UH, MISS BERGENS.

UH, I HEAR YOU'RE DEALINGWITH A BROKEN HEART TODAY.

SORRY THATYOU'RE HURTING.

I DO KNOW HOW THAT FEELS.

HOWEVER--

[PHONE RINGS]

OLIVER O'TOOLE.

IT'S HIM!

[GASPING COLLECTIVELY]

YOU FIGURED ITOUT YET, SONNY?

SIR, WHOEVER YOU ARE,YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF--

YOU'D BETTER GET ON THE BALLAND WISE UP, JUNIOR,

OR YOU'RE NEVER GONNASEE THAT MAIL AGAIN!

NOW, SEE HERE. YOU--

NO, YOU SEE!IF YOU CAN.

I'LL BE WAITINGFOR YOU. [CLICK]

HELLO?

I DIDN'THEAR IT ALL.

HE CALLED HIM"JUNIOR".

[RITA GASPS]

HE SAID THAT IF WE DIDN'TKEEP UP WITH HIM,

WE'D NEVERSEE THE MAIL AGAIN.

NO! YOU CAN'T LET HIMHAVE THOSE LETTERS!

YOU'VE GOT TOGET MINE BACK.

YOU HAVE TO.

MISS BERGENS, I UNDERSTAND

THE PERSONAL NATUREOF YOUR LETTER,

BUT IT'S UNLIKELY THAT HE'S READEVERY LETTER HE'S PURLOINED.

FACT IS, HE'S MUCH MORE LIKELYTO DESTROY THEM, I'M AFRAID.

IT'S NOTJUST WHAT I SAID,

IT'S WHAT'S IN IT.

WHAT'S IN THE LETTER?

$50,000.

[OLIVER]: FORGIVE ME.

YOU SAID THE CARDYOU MAILED TO YOUR BOYFRIEND

CONTAINED $50,000?

OH,EX-BOYFRIEND.

BUT I MAILED IT

SIX HOURS BEFOREHE TURNED INTO MY EX.

WELL, IT'S A NICEWAY TO SAY GOODBYE.

CAN'T YOU JUST

STOP PAYMENTON THE CHECK?

IT'S NOT A CHECK.

OUR ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARYWAS COMING UP

AND HE LOVES GETTING MAIL,

SO I MADE HIM A CARDAND I WROTE,

"WHEN I MET YOU, IT WASLIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY."

AND ONTHE INSIDE I PUT--

UH-OH.

YEAH. A LOTTERY TICKET.

THEN WE BROKE UP,AND I WAS WALKING HOME AND...

YOU KNOW THE WEATHERMANWHO DOES THE LOTTERY NUMBERS?

RAMON RODRIGUEZ!

WE KNOW RAMON.

[RAMON]:THAT'S RIGHT, SARAH, THERE MAY BE RAIN,

BUT IT COULD STILL BE A BEAUTIFUL DAY

FOR ONE LUCKY MEGAPOWER SWEEPSTAKES PLAYER!

THREE.

SEVEN.

12.

15...

[SHRIEKING]: AHH!

[♪♪]

THE NUMBERS ON THE TICKET

WERE THE DAY, YEAR,AND TIME WE MET.

IT WONFIVE OUT OF SIX.

AND NOW IT'SWORTH $50,000.

MY GOODNESS.

I WORE BLUE FOR HIM.

I LEARNED TO COOKTROUT FOR HIM.

HE REALLY LIKES TROUT.

OH.

WE WERE BOTH SAVING UPTO MOVE TO NEW YORK

TO AUDITION FOR CLUBSAND CABARETS TOGETHER.

WE HAD ALL THESE PLANS

AND I THOUGHTMAYBE THIS TIME

I'D FOUND SOMEBODYDIFFERENT.

BUT HE'S JUST LIKEALL THE REST, EXCEPT...

IF HE GETSTHAT LETTER NOW,

HE'LL BE RICH, TOO.

AND HE'LL GOTO NEW YORK

AND I'LL JUST BE HERE...

COOKING TROUT.

ONE MUST NEVER REGRETAN ACT OF LOVE, MISS BERGENS.

NEVER.

NORMAN, RITA,WILL YOU PLEASE

COMPLETE THE SKETCHWITH MISS BERGENS?

IF I'M NEEDED,

I'LL BE IN THE MAILBOX GRILLE.EXCUSE ME.

[♪♪]

OH!

[SHANE SIGHS]

HIS NOSE WAS KIND OFBIG AND POINTY.

OKAY.

SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

UH, YOU CAN PUT THATOVER THERE IN THE "OUT" BOX.

[♪♪]

TO "BOB."

[♪♪]

HEY.

DAD.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

OH. THANKS. PLEASE.

BEEN A WHILE.

YES, WELL,I CALLED.

YOU'VE BEEN BUSY.

YEAH, I'VE TAKEN UPHIKING AGAIN.

LIVE IN COLORADO,

YOU GOTTA GET OUT THEREAND HIKE, RIGHT?

YOU DO?

WELL, I DO.

YOU SHOULD COME SOME TIME.

OH. I HAVEA GREAT LOVE OF NATURE.

I WOULDN'T MINDEXPANDING IT TO THE...

OUTDOORS.

OKAY.

[CHUCKLES]

IN THE MEANTIME,

SOUNDS LIKEYOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

YES. SOMEONE'S BEEN

STEALING MAIL FROM THE BOXESIN THE BONNIE BRAE AREA,

I WAS HOPINGYOU MIGHT HELP US OUT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT SURE THEY'VE EVERFORGIVEN ME OVER THERE

FOR DEFECTING

TO FEDEX.

I'M NOT EVENSURE YOU HAVE.

OH, OF COURSE, I HAVE.YOU HAD YOUR REASONS.

SOMEDAY, YOU'LL TELL MEWHAT THEY WERE.

MAYBE ON A HIKE.

PERHAPS YOU MIGHT TELL ME

ABOUT THAT DARK OF NIGHT AWARDYOU WON, TOO.

AH.

WELL, IT WAS A WHILE AGO.

I CAN'T BELIEVEI NEVER KNEW ABOUT THAT.

I DIDN'T SPREAD IT AROUND,

AND IT HAPPENEDAFTER YOU LEFT HOME.

AH.

IT WAS NOTHING LIKEWHAT YOU GUYS DID.

I JUST DELIVERED

A MISROUTED WEDDING DRESSIN TIME FOR A WEDDING.

A WEDDING?

OLIVER!

IT'S FINISHED.

UH, NIKKI SAYSIT'S REALLY CLOSE,

BUT WE CAN BRING HER BACK INIF WE NEED TO.

DO YOU KNOWWHO THIS COULD BE?

YEAH. I DO.

WHO?

DUDLEY CURLY.

HE RESEMBLESTHE SKETCH WE HAD MADE

WITH THE HELPOF A WITNESS,

AND HE MATCHESTHE PROFILE.

GOOD WORK.

SO, IT'S DUDLEY, HUH?

YES.

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

HE WAS A MAIL CARRIERFOR THE POSTAL SERVICE

FOR 45 YEARS.

AND IT'S PROBABLYNO COINCIDENCE

THAT HE RETIRES TODAY.

THIS ISN'T LIKETAKING HOME PAPER CLIPS

AND STAPLERSFROM THE OFFICE.

THIS IS THE U.S. MAIL,DARN IT!

I WANT THIS MAN FIRED.

HE'S RETIRING.

WHAT'S THIS GOTTO DO WITH YOU, ANYWAY?

DIDN'T YOU MUSTER OUTAND SIGN UP FOR THE ENEMY?

I ASKED MY FATHERTO HELP US

BECAUSE EVERY CLUETHE SUSPECT LEFT SO FAR

HAS SOMETHINGTO DO WITH US--

MY GRANDFATHER,MY FATHER, AND I

ALL WON DARK OFNIGHT AWARDS.

I KNEW CURLY.

WE WERE FRIENDS ONCE.

THOUGHT IT WAS DUDLEY.

WE CALLED HIM CURLY.HE DOESN'T LIKE DUDLEY.

NEITHER DO I.

GO ON.

CURLY AND I, UH,

HUNG OUT AND WATCHEDTHE BIG GAME ON SUNDAYS,

WE WERE INTHE BOWLING LEAGUE,

AND THENI WON THAT AWARD

AND GOT A NICE PROMOTION

AND HE JUST STOPPEDCOMING AROUND.

WHAT DOES HE WANT?

WE DON'T KNOW.

HE SAYS HE'S GOING TOHOLD THE MAIL RANSOM

UNTIL WE MEET HIS DEMANDS...

THAT HAVE NOT YET BEENSET FORTH.

I'M THINKING MAYBE I SHOULD JUSTGO OVER THERE AND TALK--

FORGET IT, O'TOOLE!

YOU DON'T QUITTHE POSTAL SERVICE

THEN WALTZ BACK IN HEREJUST BECAUSE WE NEED YOU.

ARE WE CLEAR?

CRYSTAL.

SECURITY!

WE ARE MOVING OUT!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

DISPERSE! DEPLOY!

LOCK THAT DOWN!

WHAT ON EARTH...?

SET UP A PERIMETERAND--

SHANE.

GOOD TO HAVE YOUONBOARD.

FEDEX!STAY IN THE TRUCK.

THIS IS GOVERNMENTBUSINESS.

RIGHT.

[RADIO CRACKLES]

HEADS UP, MEN!

KEEP YOUR NOSETO THE GRINDSTONE.

[RADIOS CRACKLING]

HERE WE COME, DUDLEY.

[MEGAPHONE SQUEALS]:CURLY DUDLEY!

THIS IS LESTER KIMSICLE,CHIEF OF POSTAL SECURITY.

WE HAVEYOUR HOUSE SURROUNDED.

COME OUTWITH YOUR HANDS UP.

UH, MR. KIMSICLE,UH, WE BELIEVE--

STAND DOWN, O'TOOLE.

YOU'RE IN MY WHEELHOUSE NOW.

CURLY DUDLEY!

CAN... YOU... HEAR ME?

IT'S "DUDLEY CURLY".

CURLY DUDLEY,DUDLEY CURLY,

I'M GONNA CALL YA "DUD," OKAY?

NO! IT'S NOT OKAY.

[MEGAPHONE SQUEALS]

WE'RE GONNA NEEDSOME PROOF OF LIFE HERE.

[DUDLEY]: WHAT?

PROOF OF LIFE.

WELL, I'M TALKING TO YOU,AREN'T I?

YA MORON.

WELL, WE KNOWYOU'RE ALIVE.

WE NEED TO KNOWTHE MAIL'S OKAY.

JUST SHOW USYOU GOT IT.

[SLAM]

[RADIOS CRACKLING]

STEALING THE MAILIS A FEDERAL OFFENSE!

YEAH, WELL, I'M STILL EMPLOYEDUNTIL 5:00!

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

UH, TECHNICALLY,

THE MAILIS STILL IN THE POSSESSION

OF AN AUTHORIZED POSTAL CARRIER.

UNAUTHORIZED REMOVALIS, UM, A VIOLATION OF--

NORMAN?

EMPLOYEEREGULATION 67K.

[OLIVER]:BUT IT IS NOT A CRIME.

WELL, AT LEAST,

NOT UNTIL 5:00,WHEN HE OFFICIALLY RETIRES.

[GRUMBLING SIGH]FINE.

[CLICK]

WE'LL WAIT UNTIL 5:00,

AND THEN WE'RE COMING IN!

[DUDLEY]: I WOULDN'T DO THAT,IF I WERE YOU.

I GET WHAT I WANT OR ELSE.

OR ELSE, WHAT?

DUD! OR ELSE WHAT?

OLIVER. LOOK.

[♪♪]

[RITA]: OH, NO!HE'S STARTED A FIRE.

UH, DUD?

NOW'S NOT THE TIMETO HAVE A WEENIE-ROAST.

I DON'T THINKHE'S MAKING LUNCH, MR. KIMSICLE.

HE'S GOING TO BURN THEM ALL.

[♪♪]

HE SAYS HE'LL BURN THE LETTERSIF HE DOESN'T GET WHAT HE WANTS,

BUT WHAT IS THAT?

HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED--ATTENTION.

NOW HE DOESN'T KNOWWHAT TO DO WITH IT.

HE WAS ALWAYS PUTTINGTHE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

HE GOT THAT STICK-SHIFT BEFOREHE LEARNED TO DRIVE BECAUSE--

OH, WOW.

WHAT?

BECAUSE I HAD ONE.

WHAT DO YOU SEE,NORMAN?

DOESN'T LOOK LIKEHE'S BURNED ANYTHING YET.

BUT HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK LESTER COULDESCALATE THIS INTO A DISASTER

IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING.

MS. McINERNEY,

IT MAY BE TIMETO GIVE HER A CALL.

I KNOW.I ALREADY CALLED HER.

DALE IS ON HER WAY.

[♪♪]

DALE SHOULD BE HEREIN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,BUT I AM GETTING HUNGRY.

THAT'SA GOOD IDEA.

I BET DUDLEY'SGETTING HUNGRY, TOO.

SHANE.

YOU'VE CHANGEDYOUR HAIR.

NO.

YOU KNOW,AFTER THIS IS ALL OVER,

WE SHOULD...

NO.

MAY I HAVE THAT, PLEASE?

MR. CURLY!

I'M GOING OUTFOR SANDWICHES.

CAN I GET YOUANYTHING?

PASTRAMI?

TURKEY?

CORNED BEEF AND CHICKEN SALADON WHITE.

MY GOD,THE MAN'S A SAVAGE.

DO YOU WANTANYTHING ON THAT?

JUST MAYO.OH! AND SOME COLESLAW.

GOT IT.

NOW, PLEASE...

TRY NOT TO BURN ANYTHINGUNTIL I GET BACK, OKAY?

OKAY.

IF I GIVE THIS BACK TO YOU,

DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO USE ITBEFORE I GET BACK?

WILL YOU LET METAKE YOU TO DINNER AGAIN?

LESTER...

SO FARTHE ONLY ONE HERE

BREAKING A FEDERAL LAWIS YOU.

OKAY! OKAY.

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]

[♪♪]

HEY. I'VE GOTEVERYBODY'S LUNCH ORDER,

AND THERE'S A DINERAROUND THE CORNER.

I'LL TAKE HAM ON RYE.

OKAY. I'LL GET YOUYOUR USUAL.

UH, PERHAPSA CUP OF HERBAL TEA.

NO ROSEHIPS.

I'LL GRAB SOMETHINGFOR DALE, TOO.

ANY IDEA WHAT SHE'D LIKE?

UH, NO.

GOOD.

[RADIOS CRACKLING]

SO...

SHANE?

I'M SORRY?

YOU AND SHANE.

SOMETHING HAPPENED.

I MEAN,YOU GUYS AREN'T--

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT CLICKING,LIKE YOU USUALLY DO.

OH, WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINKWE CLICKED A FEW TIMES THERE.

DID YOU EVER TAKE HER OUT,LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?

YES.

BUT NOT BECAUSEYOU SUGGESTED IT.

IT WAS SOMETHING I WANTED TO DO.

WE ACTUALLY WENT TO DINNERAT MONTALDO'S ON SATURDAY.

TWO DAYS AGO?

GEE, IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!

WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINKI'VE LEARNED TO...

WELL, NOT TO--

RUSH INTO THINGS.

OF COURSE. I GET IT.

SO, HOW'D IT GO?

[RADIOS CRACKLING]

I ORDERED YOUA DOUBLE-PASTRAMI ON RYE.

THANK YOUFOR TELLING ME THAT, RITA.

YOU'RE WELCOME.OF COURSE.

[♪♪]

YOU'RE KIDDING.

YOU ACTUALLY SAID"WE'RE JUST FRIENDS"?

YES.

[LAUGHING]

WELL, NO WONDER SHE MENTIONED

ALL THOSE OTHER GUYSSHE'D BEEN THERE WITH.

IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE.

SO? HOW DID IT ALL END?

WELL, I ACTUALLY LEFT,FOR AWHILE.

I ACTUALLY ALMOST CALLED YOU.

[NIKKI]:♪ ...WATCH THE DOOR

♪ AND TELL MYSELF...

♪ I'M FINE ALONE

♪ OH, YES

♪ I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE

OVILEAR!

RAMON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I AM DINING WITHTHE MOST REMARKABLE WOMAN.

A MESMERIZING METEOROLOGIST.

I SEE THAT YOUAND THE LOVELY SHANE

ARE GETTING...WELL, DEEP IN CONVERSATION.

YES, WELL,WE ARE DEEP INTO SOMETHING.

AHH! I ALWAYS KNEWYOU TWO WOULD GET TOGETHER.

OH, NO, WE'RE NOT DATING,

WE'RE JUST ON A D...

WE'RE--

OVILEAR!

STOP THINKING.

YOU STAREINTO EACH OTHER'S EYES,

YOU DRINK CHAMPAGNE,YOU DANCE--

DANCE IS LIKE LOVE, MY FRIEND--

DON'T LOOK DOWN.

DON'T YOU MEAN

"LOVE IS LIKE DANCING,DON'T LOOK DOWN."

MM, YES.

BUT IN THE END,WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE, HMM?

NOW, I MUST GETBACK TO WORK.

IT'S LOTTERY NIGHT!

NOW, BE BOLD,GO OUT,

FACE THE MUSIC.

AND STOP THINKING.

I SEE YOU.STOP IT.

MA CHERIE!

[NIKKI]:♪ WHY SHOULD I RUSH TO PROVE

♪ THAT I CAN BREAK MY HEARTALL OVER? ♪

[JOE]:SO HOW DID THE NIGHT END?

NOT WELL.

YOU KNOW,I WAS NEVER PROUDER OF YOU

THAN THE DAY THAT I HEARDABOUT WHAT YOU DID

TO GET YOURDARK OF NIGHT AWARD.

YOU ACTUALLYSAVED SOMEONE'S LIFE.

WELL, I-I HAD A LOT OF HELP.

"PERHAPS SOMEDAY

IT WILL BE GOODTO REMEMBER THESE THINGS."

SMART MAN, VIRGIL.

YOUR GRANDFATHERWAS ALWAYS QUOTING HIM,

OR SHAKESPEARE OR THE BIBLE.

WHAT WAS THAT ONEABOUT LOVE AND POWER AND...?

"GOD HASN'T GIVEN USA SPIRIT OF FEAR,

BUT OF POWER AND LOVEAND A SOUND MIND."

AFTER WHATYOU'VE BEEN THROUGH,

I DON'T BLAME YOUFOR BEING AFRAID, SON.

BUT... AT YOUR CORE,

THAT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE.

YOU DON'T GET AN AWARD LIKE THAT

WITHOUT LOVE, POWER,AND SOUND MIND,

AND YOU DON'T GET MUCH ELSETHAT MATTERS IN LIFE

WITHOUT THAT, EITHER.

I KNOW, YOU'VE BEENHURT IN THE PAST.

AND I'M GUESSING,SOMEBODY'S HURT SHANE, TOO.

BUT IT SEEMS TO ME

THAT YOU'VE EACH GOTWHAT IT TAKES TO TRY AGAIN

IF YOU'LL JUST... TRY AGAIN.

THERE YOU ARE!HEY, YOU.

HI.

WELL, HELLO!

HI. SPECIAL AGENT DALE TRAVERS.

STATE DIVISIONOF INVESTIGATIONS.

[CHUCKLING]

[MEGAPHONE SQUEALS]

DUD!

THIS IS LESTER KIMSICLE,CHIEF OF POSTAL SECURITY.

[DOOR OPENS]I KNOW THAT!

YOU DON'T HAVE TOSAY IT EVERY TIME.

AND STOP CALLING ME "DUD".

DUD, THERE ISA GOOD-LOOKIN' FILLY HERE

FROM THE COLORADO STATEDIVISION OF INVESTIGATIONS

OF... COLORADO.

IF YOU DON'T GIVE UPBEFORE 5:00,

SHE'S GONNA TAKE YOU IN,

AND WE WOULD HATETO SEE THAT.

THEN GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT!

PLEASE. WE'RERUNNING OUT OF TIME.

[LESTER SIGHS]

DARN IT.

OKAY, WHAT DO YA WANT?GIVE ME SOME DEMANDS.

I WANT MY LUNCH!

IT'S HERE.IT'S HERE.

WE GOT YOUR GOD-AWFULCORNED BEEF

AND CHICKEN SALAD RIGHT HERE.

WELL, BRING ITTO THE DOOR,

NICE AND SLOW,

AND I'LL GIVE YOUMY LIST OF DEMANDS.

AND COME ALONE!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[DALE]: "FIND JOSEPH O'TOOLEAND BRING HIM HERE.

"AND TELL HIM TO BRINGHIS DARK OF NIGHT AWARD.

IT BELONGS TO ME."

[OLIVER]:I DON'T LIKE THIS.

I DON'T LIKE YOU GOINGIN THERE ALONE,

I DON'T LIKEYOU GOING WITHOUT YOUR AWARD.

IT'S BACK HOME,PACKED AWAY IN A MOVING BOX.

IT'S AN HOUR THEREAND AN HOUR BACK.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIMETO GET IT BEFORE 5:00.

I CAN'T HOLD THE FEDS ONCEDUDLEY'S OFFICIALLY RETIRED.

I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

BUT I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP.

NAME IT.

LET'S GO.

YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

ONCE UPON A TIME,

A LOT OF LETTERS NEVER MADE ITTO THEIR DESTINATION

BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO MY JOB.

I NEVER WANT TOFEEL THAT WAY AGAIN.

IT'S STILL A LOT TO GIVE UP.

THAT'S WHATI LOVE ABOUT YOU, OLIVER.

THANK YOU.

IT'S TIME TO GO.

[♪♪]

[RADIO CRACKLING]

IS NORMAN EVER GOING TOCOME OUT OF THE TREE?

I DON'T KNOW!I THINK HE'S MAD

BECAUSE I DIDN'TTELL HIM ABOUT BOB.

BOB?YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT BOB.

-WHO'S BOB?-OH--

[HORN HONKING]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[LESTER]: HEADS UP, MEN!

OKAY, DUDLEY,YOU GOT YOUR O'TOOLE.

I'LL TAKE IT.

I'M NOT LETTING YOUGO IN ALONE.

YOU GET INTO ANY TROUBLE,

YOU SAY THE MAGIC WORDAND WE'LL HEAR YOU.

WHAT IS THE MAGIC WORD?

I DON'T KNOW.HOW ABOUT, UH...

"HELP"?

[♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

IT'S OPEN!

HEY, JOE.

LONG TIME, NO SEE.

HOW YOU DOIN', CURLY?

I'LL BE DOING BETTERWHEN I GET WHAT I WANT.

TOSS IT OVER

AND THE MAIL'S YOURS.

[JOE]:NOT YET. I WANT TO KNOW

WHAT ALL THIS HADTO DO WITH MY FAMILY.

YOU STILL DON'T GET IT.

MAYBE.

BUT I WANT TOHEAR YOU SAY IT.

WELL, JOE,

WHEN I STARTEDAT THE POST OFFICE,

I WAS THE YOUNGEST PERSON EVER

TO BE NOMINATEDFOR ONE OF THOSE,

AND THEN THEY GAVE ITTO YOUR DAD

FOR BABYSITTING SOME DUCKS.

ACTUALLY,THEY WERE--

AND MY LAST CHANCE

AT GETTING ONE

WENT TO YOUAND YOUR BUNCH.

YEAH, SURE,YOU GOT SOME GIRL A KIDNEY,

BUT YOU'VE GOT OTHER CHANCESTO WIN,

AND THIS WAS MY LAST.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?

THAT ONE CUT THE DEEPEST.

I WAS THIS CLOSE TO THE DEADLINEFOR NOMINATIONS.

I MEAN, NOBODY WAS GONNA

TOP MEDROPPING THAT KID'S PROM DRESS

AT HER HIGH SCHOOLAT THE LAST MINUTE

DURING THE PLATTE RIVER FLOOD.

I EVEN THREW IN A CORSAGE.

BUT MY PAL, JOE,

DELIVERS SOME GAL'SWEDDING DRESS.

UM, THERE WASMORE TO IT THAN THAT.

RITA DID

SOME RESEARCH.

MY FATHER DROVE HIS TRUCK

50 MILESTHROUGH A BLIZZARD.

IT BROKE DOWN.

HE WALKEDFIVE MORE MILES.

UPHILL. ON ICE.

WELL, I DROVE THROUGHHAIL AND SLEET.

THE LODGECAUGHT ON FIRE.

MY FATHER PUT IT OUT.

WELL, MY PROM GIRLMARRIED THE PROM BOY, OKAY?

AND THEY HAD SIX KIDS.

SIR, MY FATHER--

WHAT AREWE DOING HERE?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

YOU CAN GO AHEADAND KEEP THE CUP.

WE DON'T NEED ITTO KNOW WHAT WE DID.

AND NEITHER DO YOU!

AND SOME DAY,

WHEN YOU LOOK BACK ONHOW YOU GOT THIS CUP,

IT'S GONNA LOOKPRETTY EMPTY.

COME ON. COME ON!

THIS SAYS"OLIVER O'TOOLE."

I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIMETO GET MY DAD'S.

YOU GAVE THIS UPFOR YOUR DAD?

[♪♪]

[SIGHING]

YOU KNOW,WHEN A MAN RETIRES,

HE LOOKS BACK ACROSS THE YEARSAND HE ASKS HIMSELF

WHAT DOES HE GOT TO SHOWFOR HIS LIFE?

I GAVE MY HEART AND SOULTO THE POST OFFICE,

BUT NOBODY KNOWS MY NAME.

DUDLEY, CURLY-- NOBODY CARES!

I JUST WANT TO FEELLIKE I MATTERED IN THIS WORLD

BEFORE IT'S ALL OVER.

BUT NOBODY'S EVEN GONNA MISS ME.

[THUD]

I MISSED YOU...FOR 13 YEARS.

WHAT GOOD...

...IS A LETTER,

IF WE DON'T MAIL IT?

WHAT?

SOMEWHERE IN THESE BAGSIS A LOVE LETTER

A LADY NAMED NIKKIMAILED LAST SATURDAY

BECAUSE OF THESE WORDSYOU SPOKE TO HER,

YOU UNDERSTOOD

THAT WRITING A LETTER

AND PUTTING IT IN A MAILBOX

IS LIKE HANDING YOUR HEARTOVER TO A STRANGER.

JUST LIKE...

ASKING FOR LOVE IS A RISK,

OR ASKING FOR ATTENTION OR FORGIVENESS--

YOU HAVE TO MAIL THE LETTERAND RISK WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT,

OTHERWISE NOTHING HAPPENS.

SO WHETHER ANYONE

EVER APPRECIATES USOR KNOWS WHO WE ARE, MR. CURLY,

THEY WILL KNOWWHAT WE STAND FOR--

AND THAT MATTERS

TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON

WHO WROTEEVERY ONE OF THESE LETTERS.

MY GOODNESS.

SIR.

THERE'S ONE HEREFOR YOU.

[♪♪]

THANK YOU.

"DEAR MR. CURLY--"

WELL, AT LEASTSOMEBODY GOT IT RIGHT.

"MY MOMMY SAYSYOU'RE GOING TO STOP WORKING

"AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO

BRING ANY MAIL TO US ANYMORE."

[BREATH TREMBLING]

"THAT IS...

THAT... THAT IS VERY SAD."

[BREATH SHAKING]

"I WILL MISS YOU.

"YOU BRINGALL MY BIRTHDAY CARDS

AND LETTERS FROM GRANDMA."

[PAGE CRINKLES]

"AND YOU ALWAYS SMILEWHEN I GIVE YOU COOKIES.

"I WISHWE COULD GIVE YOU A PARTY,

"BUT OUR PLACE

IS TOO SMALL."

"BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT."

"LOVE...

BETSY."

ONE OF THOSE...

...IS WORTHONE THOUSAND OF THESE.

I FEEL LIKE A FOOL.

DON'T BOTHER.

WE'VE ALREADY GOTONE OF THOSE OUTSIDE.

[♪♪]

SHANE!

THAT LETTER IS PROPERTYOF THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE.

OH, WELL, SHE FILLED OUTA 10-67E AT THE D.L.O., LESTER.

WELL, THEN SHE GETS ITFROM THE D.L.O.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'SSAKE. REALLY?

REGULATIONS ARE LIKE

THE LIFEJACKETSON THE GANGPLANK OF LIFE, MISSY.

GREAT WORK TODAY, THOUGH.

KEEP THAT UP,I'LL BUY YOU DINNER.

OH. PLEASE... DON'T.

HAPPY TO DO IT.

HAPPY TO DO IT.

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[JOE]: I'LL SEE YOUAT THE PARTY?

SHOULD BEINTERESTING.

[CHUCKLES]CURLY'S A GOOD GUY.

HE JUST LOST HIS WAYFOR A WHILE.

THINGS COULD'VE TURNEDOUT TERRIBLY FOR HIM

IF YOU HADN'THANDLED IT SO WELL.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

[♪♪]

DUDLEY INVITED METO HIS RETIREMENT PARTY.

YOU SHOULD COME.

MAYBE I WILL.

ARE YOU COMINGTO CHOIR PRACTICE TOMORROW?

I WOULDN'T MISS IT.

GOOD.

[♪♪]

IT'S BLUEWITH A BIG HEART STICKER.

NORMAN?

YOU KNOWTHAT "BURROWING YELLOWTAIL OWL"

THAT RITA SENDS MONEY TO?

YEAH.

WELL, BEFORE I STARTED SINGING,I WORKED AT THE ZOO.

WOW. THAT ISA COMPLETE CAREER 180.

YEAH.

WELL, I LEARNED A LOT.

AND THERE'S SOMETHINGYOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT BOB.

WHAT DO THEY SAY?

CAST YOURDARK OF NIGHT AWARD

UPON THE WATERS

AND IT SHALL BERETURNED UNTO YOU?

LOOK AT YOU,QUOTING SCRIPTURE.

[CHUCKLES]

I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOUTO GIVE THAT UP.

WELL, IT WAS EASIERTHAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

IT'S ACTUALLY JUSTA SYMBOL, LIKE A--

LIKE...

LIKE THE ROSE CUTTINGTHAT YOU GAVE ME.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSEIT DIDN'T TAKE,

IT DOESN'T DIMINISHTHE THOUGHT THAT WAS BEHIND IT.

"NEVER REGRET AN ACT OF--"

[NORMAN]:OH! FOUND IT!

GREAT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE

I'M HOLDING$50,000 IN MY HANDS.

SO... WHY AM I SO SAD?

BECAUSE NO MATTERHOW MUCH YOU'VE WON,

IT CAN'T FIXWHAT YOU'VE LOST.

UH, SATURDAY NIGHTAT THE RESTAURANT,

I WAS SINGING THIS LOVE SONG,REMEMBER?

AND I'D SUNG IT A MILLION TIMES,BUT, FOR SOME REASON,

THAT NIGHT IT FELT LIKE I WASSINGING IT JUST FOR GRAHAM.

AND THEN IT HIT ME,

BEING SOME BROADWAY STARREALLY ISN'T MY DREAM.

BEING WITH GRAHAM...

BEING TOGETHER, ANYWHERE,

THAT'S THE DREAM.

THATWASTHE DREAM.

AT LEAST, IT WAS MINE.

YOU KNOW, WHENI BROKE UP WITH BOB,

I WAS SO SAD.

I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVERFIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR ME.

[QUIETLY]: "BOB"?

BUT THEN MY MOM SAID "RITA,DON'T BE IN SUCH A HURRY.

"THE PERFECT MAN IS OUT THERE,

"BUT HE'S STILLIN THE OVEN, BAKING.

"AND IF YOU KEEP RUNNINGINTO THE KITCHEN

"AND OPENING THE DOOR,

HE'LL NEVER BE READY."

SO, I WAITED,AND IT WASN'T EASY,

BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,I SMELLED SOMETHING REALLY GOOD,

AND WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR...

THERE WAS NORMAN.

ALL DONE!

DING!

[LAUGHTER]

HE WASWORTH THE WAIT.

[NIKKI]:I THOUGHT GRAHAM WAS, TOO.

HE SEEMED LIKESUCH A GOOD GUY, BUT...

WRONG OVEN, I GUESS.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

NOW YOU CAN LIVEA TROUT-FREE LIFE

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TOWEAR BLUE ANYMORE.

GOOD POINT.

MISS BERGENS,THERE'S A VAST DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN CHOOSING A GOOD MAN

AND FINDING THE RIGHT MAN.

I HOPE YOU DON'T GIVE UPUNTIL YOU FIND BOTH.

OKAY.

WELL...THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

OUR PLEASURE.

BACK TO WORK!

RIGHT!

OR I COULD JUST QUIT.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

GO BACK TO WORK,FACE THE MUSIC.

YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[OLIVER]: MISS BERGENS,WE'LL SEE YOU OUT.

BYE.

RITA?

WE HAVE TO TALK.

NORMAN, I KNOW WHATYOU'RE GOING TO SAY.

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOUBEFORE ABOUT BOB,

BUT I DON'T FEEL ABOUT HIMTHE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU,

AND I NEVER DID.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TOHAVE TO TRUST ME.

OH, I TRUST YOUCOMPLETELY.

BUT I DON'T TRUST BOB.

I KNOW YOU WANTEDTO BELIEVE IT, BUT...

BOUVET ISLANDDOESN'T HAVE ANY OWLS.

AND THERE'S NO SUCH THINGAS THE BURROWING YELLOWTAIL.

BOB SCAMMED YOU.

OH.

I'M SORRY.

[SIGHS]

POOR BOB.

HE MUST HAVEREALLY NEEDED THE MONEY.

YOU'RE AMAZING.

[CHUCKLES]

BUT I'M NOT GIVING HIMANY MORE MONEY!

HEY! DO YOU WANNAGO GET DINNER?

I'VE GOTAN EXTRA 50 BUCKS!

YEAH!

I'M STARVING.

[♪♪]

NIKKI!

PLEASE HOLD ON.I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I TRIED CALLING YOUAFTER YOU RAN OFF,

BUT YOUR VOICEMAILWAS FULL

AND YOU DIDN'TPICK UP.

WE DON'T HAVE TOPRETEND ANYMORE, GRAHAM.

WE DON'THAVE TO TALK,

WE JUSTHAVE TO SING

AND SERVE BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE FOOD

AT INFLATED PRICES

TO PEOPLE WHO THINK

GOING TOA ROMANTIC RESTAURANT

ACTUALLY HAS ANYTHINGTO DO WITH LOVE.

NIKKI, PLEASE,JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE.

ACTUALLY WHATI TRIED TO SAY,

BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET MEIS I--

I LOVE YOU.

AND MORE THAN THAT,

I AM IN LOVE YOU,AND MORE THAN THAT, EVEN.

WHAT'S MORE THAN THAT?

I DON'T KNOW,

"I LOVE YOU FOREVER" LOVE?

IF THERE'S A "BUT" COMING,I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

I WAS GOING TO BREAK UP,BUT ONLY BECAUSE I--

I HAVE NO BUSINESSGIVING YOU HOPE

THAT I CAN GO WITH YOUTO NEW YORK.

BUT YOU'VE BEEN SAVING UPFOR SO LONG.

I WAS,BUT MY MOM--

MY MOM LOST HER JOB

AND FELL BEHINDON HER MORTGAGE PAYMENTS.

SHE DIDN'T WANT ME TO FIND OUT,BUT I DID,

AND I HAD TO HELP HER OUTBECAUSE SHE'S MY MOM

AND NOBODY ELSE BELIEVES IN MELIKE SHE DOES.

EXCEPT YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

I COULDN'T LET YOUPUT YOUR DREAMS ON HOLD

WHILE YOU WAITED FOR ME.

BUT AFTER YOU RAN OFF,I KNEW I'D MADE A MISTAKE.

I JUST DON'T KNOWHOW TO FIX IT.

OKAY.

FIRST OF ALL...

I "LOVE YOU FOREVER"LOVE YOU, TOO.

AND SECOND,

I'M SORRY--

REALLY SORRY--THAT I RAN OFF.

YOU WERE OBVIOUSLY IN THE OVEN

AND I DIDN'T REALIZEYOU WERE DONE--

DON'T ASK.

BUT THIRD...

YOU ARE SO STUPID!

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, YOU'RE MY DREAM,NOT NEW YORK!

AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPYMAKES ME HAPPY,

AND I LOVE YOUR MOM,

AND IF WE'RE GONNABE TOGETHER FOREVER,

THEN WE CAN'T LET HERLOSE HER HOUSE,

OTHERWISE WHERE WILL WE GOFOR CHRISTMAS,

WHICH BRINGS ME TO--WHAT ARE WE ON?

FOUR.

FOURTH...

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

IN A MINUTE!

GOOD. UM...

BY THE WAY,WE WON THE LOTTERY.

I KNOW, THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

NO, WE WON THE LOTTERY.

OH. [CHUCKLES]

DON'T OPEN IT.

JUST KISS ME.

[♪♪]

[STAFF APPLAUDING]

[♪♪]

♪ MY HEART IS ON FIRE

♪ I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME

♪ GOTTA FIND OUTIF YOU'RE STILL MINE ♪

[FOOTBALL GAME PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

PLAY ANY SPORTSIN HIGH SCHOOL, NORM?

I WAS A FOSTER KID,SO I MOVED AROUND A LOT.

SPORTS ARETHE FOUNDATION OF WAR.

LIKE PLAYING CHECKERSWITH REAL PEOPLE,

ONLY YOU DON'TGET HURT.

WHAT POSITIONDID YOU PLAY?

I WAS A FOSTER KID.I MOVED AROUND A LOT.

I DIDN'T--

SHORT-STOP...

GOOD FOR YOU.

OH, YEAH, I LOVE TO DANCE.

IT'S VERY HARD WORK, THOUGH.

WELL, AT LEAST THE WAYTHAT I DO IT, ANYWAYS.

[GIGGLES]

HOW ABOUT YOU?

OH, I HAVEN'TDANCED IN YEARS.

SHANE AND OLIVERTOOK DANCE LESSONS ONCE.

WHERE IS SHANE?

I DON'T KNOW.

[SPEAKING QUIETLY]

I'VE HEARD OF COP BARSAND I'VE HEARD OF SPORTS BARS,

BUT I'VE NEVERHEARD OF...

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?

SURE.

WELL, EVERYONE NEEDSA PLACE TO--

OLIVER.

HAVE SOME CAKE.

OH, THANK YOU.

SHANE HAD ITSPECIAL-ORDERED.

FROM MONTALDO'S.

OH.

DALE, COULD YOU HELP MEMIX SOME MORE PUNCH?

SURE.

LATER?

YES.

[♪♪]

♪ KISSES...

♪ ARE SO DELICIOUS

♪ DISTRACT MEALL MY WISHES ♪

♪ AND MAKE THIS DAYIN MY HEART... ♪

[NIKKI]:♪ ...BEFORE ♪

[DINERS APPLAUDING]

I, UH,

TOOK THE LIBERTYOF ORDERING DESSERT.

OH, THANK YOU.

WAS THAT RAMONTHAT I SAW LEAVING?

YES.

HE SENDS HIS REGARDS.

[CHUCKLES]

THAT GUY ALWAYS SHOWS UPAT THE WEIRDEST TIMES.

YOU THINK THIS IS WEIRD?

ARE YOU GOING TOTRY YOUR DESSERT?

UM, I'M NOT QUITE READY YET.

AHEM.

FORGIVE ME.

UH, IT GETSA BIT HOT IN HERE.

BUT, UM,I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW THAT,

BEING SO FAMILIARWITH THE PLACE.

OLIVER, LESTER IS AN IDIOT.

AND STEVE...

I HAVE BEEN OVER HIMFOR A VERY LONG TIME.

YOU OWE MENO EXPLANATIONS, MS. McINERNEY.

BECAUSE YOU AND IARE JUST... FRIENDS?

THAT WAS AN UNFORTUNATETURN OF PHRASE, I'M AFRAID.

SO-- [SIGHS]

SO WHAT WAS TONIGHT?

WAS IT A DATE?

OR WAS IT JUSTOUR "LONG-PROMISED DINNER"?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BEA QUIET DINNER

WITH GOOD COMPANYAND GOOD CONVERSATION,

AND I DID WANT ITTO BE SOMEPLACE SPECIAL...

AND I WANTED TO DANCE.

OLIVER,

I NEVER DANCEDWITH ANY OF THE OTHERS HERE.

I ONLY--

I ONLY DANCE WITH YOU.

WE COULD USE MORE PRACTICE.

I-I KNOW.

IF WE WE'RE GONNA GETANY GOOD AT IT.

I IMAGINEWE COULD BE VERY GOOD.

I IMAGINE WE WOULD BE.

IF WE PRACTICED EVERY WEEK.

EVERY WEEK?

OH, I ONLY MEANTIF YOU WERE SERIOUS...

I-I MEAN--

RIGHT.

[PIANO BEGINS TO PLAY]

RIGHT.

[HOST]:AND NOW, RETURNING TO THE STAGE

WITH A VERY SPECIAL GOODNIGHT FROM MONTALDO'S...

PLEASE WELCOME MICHAEL AND SOPHIA.

♪ IF I LOVED YOU

♪ TIME AND AGAIN

♪ I WOULD TRY TO SAY

♪ ALL I'D WANT YOU TO KNOW

♪ IF I LOVED YOU

♪ WORDS WOULDN'T COMEIN AN EASY WAY ♪

♪ ROUND IN CIRCLESI'D GO ♪

♪ LONGING TO TELL YOUBUT AFRAID AND SHY ♪

♪ I'D LET MY GOLDEN CHANCES

♪ PASS ME BY

♪ SOON YOU'D LEAVE ME

♪ OFF YOU WOULD GO

♪ IN THE MIST OF DAY

♪ NEVER, NEVER TO KNOW

♪ HOW I LOVED YOU

♪ IF I LOVED YOU

[♪♪]

♪ SOON YOU'D LEAVE ME

♪ OFF YOU WOULD GO

♪ IN THE MIST OF DAY

♪ NEVER, NEVER TO KNOW

♪ HOW I LOVED YOU

[SILENCE FALLS]

♪ IF

♪ I LOVED YOU ♪

[DINERS APPLAUDING]

[♪♪]

[POP DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

OLIVER,ARE WE DANCING?

NO, MS. McINERNEY.WE ARE NOT.

OKAY.

[OLIVER]:I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

I LIKED THAT DESSERT.

IT WAS VERY GOOD.

I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

IT'S HARD TO FINDA GOOD CURD THESE DAYS.

YES. TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

AND I'M VERYOLD-FASHIONED, YOU KNOW.

I'M AWARE OF THAT.

AND WHEN LIFEBECOMES COMPLICATED,

ONE FINDS ONESELF FALLING BACK

UPON THE TRADITIONALAND FAMILIAR.

ONE TAKES ONE'S TIME TO AVOIDTHE RISK OF PRECIPITOUSNESS.

DOES ONE GET TO THE QUESTION?

AND YET...

WHAT GOOD

IS A LETTERIF ONE NEVER MAILS IT?

IS THAT THE QUESTION?

NO. WHY DID YOU ORDERLEMON CAKE FOR THE PARTY TODAY?

UM...

I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVEA SECOND CHANCE TO TRY IT.

AND YOU COULDN'T WAIT

UNTIL THE NEXT TIMEWE WENT TO MONTALDO'S?

OR DID YOU ASSUMETHERE WOULD BE NO "NEXT TIME"?

WELL, I...

WELL...

IT MAY SURPRISE YOU,

BUT I BELIEVEIN SECOND CHANCES, TOO.

OKAY.

SHALL I SHOULD PUT ITON THE CALENDAR, THEN,

FOR SOMETIME THIS YEAR?

YES. HOW DOESNEXT SATURDAY SOUND?

GREAT.

IT'S A DATE.

I MEAN, IT'S A--

IT IS A DATE.

SPEAKING OFSECOND CHANCES--

MM-HMM?

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR?

WHAT?

DO YOU LIKE MY HAIR?

IT'S FINE.UH, IT'S, UH, VERY...

I LIKE THE FLOWER.

GOOD.

AHEM.

IT'S THE FIRSTROSE OF SUMMER.

NO!

IT TOOK AFTER ALL.

AND NO ANIMALS WERE HARMEDIN THE BLOOMING OF THIS ROSE.

[LAUGHING]

AND-- ANDYOU'D GIVEN UP.

I KNOW.

OH, ME OF LITTLE FAITH.

ALL IT TAKES IS A LITTLE.

COME ON!