All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E04.Maid.of.Honour.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-CtrlHD

A POP Original Series

- Oh my God, I just sent you

the first trailer
to the "Crows" movie!

- What?!
- My "Crows" movie?

- No. Gwen's.

They sent over a little
sneak peak

before it goes live tomorrow.

- Oh, Alexis!

This is a critical moment.

A siren call to the cinematic
rapture that is to come.

How did it look?

- It like literally
just came through

- John, draw the curtains.

David!
David: What?

- We're going to watch
the "Crows" trailer.

No! No, go away.

Perhaps I should screen it
privately first.

- Okay. Well, I'm here now.

So the least you could do
is show me it.

[Curtains rasp]
- Dad!

- John, it's practically
obsidian in here!

- You just said
close the curtains!

- Okay. Okay, family, be kind.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, we gotta press play.
- Oh. Okay.

Ad voice: Some banks make
mortgages way too complicated.

- I don't remember any of
this...?

- Oh, it's just an ad,
Sweetheart.

- Skip it.

[Thunder cracks]
[Sinister music]

[Crow caws]

Trailer voice: There was a time

when the Crows were our
friend--

- It's halted.
Someone hit resume.

- Just let it buffer.

- ...friends.
- Well, we best be returning--

Dad, I told you we needed
to upgrade the Wi-Fi.

- Oh, this is a no way an
optimal viewing experience.

- It's back!
- Okay, start it over.

- Okay.

Ad Voice: Some banks make
mortgages--

- You know what,
this is excruciating.

- You know what, Sweetheart?

Why don't you just give us
a holler when it's ready?

♪♪♪

- [Happy sigh]

- Oh my God, David!

I totally forgot about
the wedding dream book!

- Um, where did you find that?

- Um, I was looking
for an earring

and found it under your pillow.
Anyway, you did it.

You manifested your wedding
and I'm like literally stunned.

- You're stunned.

- Yeah, but like in a good way.

Like think of all the people
on the planet

who find someone, somehow
you're one of those people.

- I don't know how
to take that.

- I mean, you didn't end up
marrying JC Chasez

or Jenna Elfman.

But I actually feel
like Patrick is kind of

the best of both of them.
- Mhmm.

- Oh, so you're still gonna
do Keira Knightley's

green dress from Atonement
as my maid of honour look?

- You know what,
haven't got to that stage

in the planning process yet.
So I'm not quite sure.

- Okay. Well, I'm here
for a month

so you better put me
to work while your can.

[Knocking]
- Hm. Come in.

- Well, if it isn't our very
own little JC Chasez.

- Sorry. Who?
- Ooh, we've been over that.

Um, we should probably go
though.

- Oh. Where are my favourite
groom and David off to?

[Polite chuckles]

- We are taking Patrick
to get his suit fitted.

- What kind of suit?

- Hopefully my wedding suit.
- Oh my God.

- Well, I'll just grab my bag,
and come with.

- You know what, I don't even
know if that's necessary.

- Honestly, David, it's fine.
I'm your maid of honour.

- Um... hmm...

Okay re: that.

You weren't supposed to be here
for six months,

so I might have asked
someone else.

- Okay. Well, I'm here now.
So...

who did you ask?

If you say Ronnie--

- Oh, I don't think
she would have said say yes.

- Does not like him.
- Yeah.

- Um, I asked Stevie.

- David, you better be talking
about Stevie Nicks.

Stevie said yes?

- I mean, it was more
of a reluctant "sure."

- Okay, well, it sound like she
doesn't actually wanna do it.

So why don't I just come with,

and I will gently take it
off her hands.

- Fine. But I don't want any
hurt feelings.

because the last thing
we need right now

is interpersonal conflict
eclipsing my--our day.

- Imagine what I could do with
you bachelor party, David.

Diplo still sends me nudes.

- It's a DJ.
- Okay.

[Lock turns, keys jingle]

- Oh Roland, I'm shocked.

These rooms are in good shape.

- Well, what were you were
expecting, Johnny.

I mean, no offense,

but I don't throw good money
down on lemons.

Who am I,
you buying your car?

- Okay, we've had no problems
with the car, Roland.

No, this place has good bones.

- Oh, look... the maid forgot
to pick up her tip.

- Is that a bag full of money?

- Yeah, it's kinda a generous
tip when you consider

she didn't clean up
this garbage

and this loaded gun.

- All right. Don't point it,
put it down.

Put the gun down.

Someone's clearly been
squatting here.

And by the looks of it,

they don't appear to be
on the up and up.

- Well, maybe Benny
and Betty left this here.

And we just inherited a bag
of money and a gun.

If we're gonna split it up,
I call the money.

- We're not taking the money,
Roland.

Whoever left it here is
obviously coming back for it.

- Why do you say that?

I left a pack of chewing gum
at the movie theatre

two weeks ago, and I haven't
gone back for it.

- Look at this, a cigarette
and a newspaper.

- That stuff could've been
here for years.

- Then explain why the coffee
is still hot?

- It's called global warming,
Johnny.

- Okay.

- Why do you strike
me as one of those people

that doesn't believe in that.

- Roland, I say we go
to the police.

We have to let them handle it.

- And then what? We offer
our guests a discount

to stay in the middle
of a crime scene.

- Then what do you suggest?

- Let's stake out the place,

Person comes back,
takes their stuff, leaves,

and we can change the locks.

- Okay, we give it a day,
see if the guy comes back.

- Or gal. This is the 21st
century, Johnny.

- Okay.
- Let's get with it.

Come on.

I'm with it.
[Door shuts]

[Dog barks in the distance]

- Well, we best be returning
to the lab, Nathaniel.

It's getting [caws] dark.

- But it's the middle
of the afternoon,

must be a solar eclipse.

- That's not an eclipse,
Nathaniel!

Those are birds!

[Cawing]
- Ahhh!

And so... [caws]
what have we done?!

[Thunder cracks]

[Cawing]

[Panicked screaming]

[Sinister music]

[Cawing]

Trailer voice: "The Crows
Have Eyes: The Crowening."

[Clapping]

- Mrs. Rose, was that you
the whole time?

- Indeed it was.

Thanks in large
part to the thaumaturgy

of our special effects
department.

Stunning, isn't it?

What a human beak can do?

- So wait. Did you get
the virus in the end?

- Was that not clear?

Should we give it another watch?

- No, I think three times
through is the sweet spot.

- This is so exciting.

What if it gets nominated
for an Oscar?

- Twyla!

No, we must keep the carriage
in the wake of the mare.

[Taps] Golden Globe, perhaps,

but I won't let myself
envisage that.

- I gotta say, those special
effects looked

way better than what I pictured
when you described it.

- Credit the technical wizardry
of our team of imaginators.

Gals, we're being rude.

Jocelyn hasn't had a chance
to render her opinion,

though the adulation does
appear to be unanimous.

- Well...

it looked just like a real
movie.

- Now there is the quote
for the sizzle reel!

[All laugh]

- Oh... it's-it's neat!

- "Neat."

- To see you in a...
in a real movie.

Anyways, I bet we are dying
to get to rehearsal, ladies.

So let's get those stands.

- Of course. We'll pick up this
parley after rehearsal.

- Were the crows nice?
- Hm.

- My uncle had a parrot
that just kept asking me

to take my bra off.

- Okay, so you guys just
chat up here,

and I'll keep it cool,
keep it casual.

Okay. Here she comes.

She'll probably gonna be
uncomfortable admitting

that she doesn't wanna be
a part of your wedding party,

so I'm gonna make her feel
like she's doing me a favour.

Patrick: Isn't she though?
Alexis: Okay. That's funny.

More of that.
But aim it at David.

[Door shuts]
- Please drive.

[Engine turns]

Like, now.
- Yep.

So that's your uniform, huh?

- You do know that "Pan Am"
was cancelled

after a season, right?

- Cool and casual, please David.

I am sitting next to her so I
will be the one to handle this.

- This is the flight
attendant's uniform.

Why am I wearing it, you ask?

Because this morning
I found out

I was gonna be a flight
attendant on a real flight.

- Wait, didn't you like
just start?

- Uh, less than a week ago?
Yeah. Mhmm.

So how safe can the plane be

if I'm the one in charge
of saving people's lives?

- Yeah. Yikes. Not safe.

So you probably just wanna like
head home then.

- I'm fine. As long as I don't
have to go back there.

I was gonna put my life
in danger for what?

To see the world?

They only fly to Hoboken,
Windsor and South Dakota.

- I've actually heard South
Dakota is quite scenic.

Okay.

- Did you know that Larry Air
has 18 ongoing lawsuits?

One of which is from Larry
himself.

- Wow, okay. Got it.

- I left a job that I actually
liked for this.

What is wrong with me?

- How honest do you want us
to be?

- Oh no, babe.

It sounds like you have so much
on your plate already,

on top of your bridesmaids
duties.

Are you sure you want
that much stress?

- As crazy as this sounds,

I'm actually looking forward
to that.

Feel like it's the only job
I can't mess up at this point.

- Totally.

Hmm.

[Door opens and shuts]

- Okay, Johnny.

As soon as we get this place
up and running

the first order of business

is to restock
the vending machine.

Do you know that all they had
was this

Drink Tyme Orange Sodas
and one bag of Poly Puffs.

- All right, we're gonna
have to get

some brand names in there.

- No, I'm saying get more
of this.

Do you realize that this soda
is made with 99% real drink.

You can't argue
with that kind of math.

- Roland, can you focus
on the task at hand please?

If we're gonna be partners,

you've gotta take this job
more seriously.

- Well, why do you think
I got these snacks?

I mean we could be on
this stakeout for days,

maybe weeks.

[Car rumbles up]
- Someone's coming.

[Door opens]

- Get down.

[Door shuts]

[Mouthful] It is a man.

Your sexist instincts
were right as usual.

- Okay. Good, good, good.

Maybe he'll just get his stuff
and leave.

He's taken off his jacket.

He's going to the vending
machine?

Roland, we can't have
squatters here.

One of us is gonna have
to talk to him.

- Johnny, the guy has a gun.

- Okay, then as partners,

I think it's only fair thing
to do is handle this together.

- Okay.

- I just need a minute to
figure out what I'm gonna say.

[Car rumbles]

[Light knock on door]
- Come in.

- Oh, good, Jocelyn,

I caught you in a moment
of repose.

- Yeah. I was just grading book
reports.

- Heh. Tell me about it!

So how are you doing, Jocelyn?

You seem to be wishing
to discharge something

from your chest today
at rehearsal

and didn't get a chance.

- Uh, no, I'm fine.
- You're fine.

Why? Why do you hate my movie?

- I just saw the trailer.
- Exactly!

Yet you've already deemed it
this year's John Carter.

- I never said that.
- You didn't have to.

Just the look in your eyes
sent a chilling,

wet gust of raspberries
to my face.

- I just don't like horror
movies.

My first boyfriend took me
to a Michael Meyers movie

and I never got over it.

- Not "The Love Guru"?

- Moira, you don't really care
if I like your movie?

- Don't be giddy.

But just so you know,
Jocelyn,

an actress is only as happy
as her unhappiest audience.

- What do we think?
Bow tie or no bow tie.

- Oh, bow.
- No bow.

- I sort of feel like bow tie
is kind of classic, no?

- Okay, you sort of made it
seem like you weren't sure.

- I'm not sure.
But I also very much am.

- Also, a black bow ties
photograph better.

I should know.
I once hooked up

with three different
GQ Men of the Year.

At the GQ Men of the Year party.

- Okay, sorry.

I'm probably not the person
to ask for fashion stuff.

- Um, speaking of maid of
honour duties...

Stevie? Thoughts on
the bachelor party.

- Oh-oh.

- Um, I think I was just gonna
see what David wanted to do?

- Okay. I'm super easy.

Although I did find a gorgeous
ryokan in Hakone

With a hot spring-fed onsen
on the balcony?

Private Chef optional.

But I'm open to other ideas.

- Okay. Hot tip: it often makes
for less stress

if you just plan it yourself
and then tell the bride after.

- Okay. Stevie,
not hot on that tip. Okay?

- Okay, I'm starting to realize

that there's a lot more to this
job than I thought.

- Tell me about it.

I once planned
Megan Fox's bachelorette

on this tiny island off
the coast of Montenegro

where nothing is illegal.
Like nothing.

- Okay. Are you sure you
shouldn't do this?

Because, I mean...

you're here now,
you're David's sister,

and you're clearly better
suited for the job.

- Oh my God, Stevie.

I get why you and everyone else
would be asking that question,

but the answer is...

like maybe?

- What am I doing?

- Well, we can just crossfade
responsibilities.

- No. What am I doing
with my life.

I'm now unemployed
in my thirties.

For the second time in a week.

I left your dad high
and dry at the motel...

and now I'm--

[Stressed exhale]

- Okay, all of what you're
saying may be very, very true.

Which is why I will not
let you give up this job.

You can do this.
And if you can't,

I will be here for the whole
month to help you through it.

- Bring it in, girl.

- Oh no, I don't think
you need to--okay.

[Door creaks open]
[David gasps]

- Hey, what do we think
about this one?

- Oh my God.

Since when did James Bond
shop to Elm Glenn?

- So that's a yes?
- Yes.

- Um, we still need to pick
a tie.

So what does our maid
of honour think?

Hm. Hm.

Which one is your favourite.

- Hm...

- Yes.

Can we just get married
already?

I'm kidding, I want pageantry

that takes months
and months to plan.

- Of course you do.
- You look so good.

Fits in the shoulders.
Make you button it up.

- [Hushed] Thank you.

[Keys jingle]

- Okay.

- Oh, I really don't know
about this, Roland.

Still feels like a police
matter to me.

- Johnny, you got this.
Relax.

Remember there is two of us,
one of him so.

- Okay.
[Knocks]

- Of course he does have
that gun.

- Yeah?

- Hi. My name is Johnny Rose...

and this is my partner--

- Partner. [Laughs]

He calls me--
No we actually just met.

- What're you, guys, cops?

[Laughs nervously]
- No. No, no.

No weapons here.

No, we're um,

we're the new owners
of this motel

and we just stopped by
and say hi,

and to get a little more
information

about what exactly you are
doing here on our property.

- And by the way, whatever
you're doing is A-okay with me.

But unfortunately
Professor Prude here

is not too keen on "squatters."

- Who said I'm a squatter?

I'm a long-term tenant.

Betty told me she'd bake
that into the contract.

- Bake it into the contract.
Roland?

Was it in the contract?

- The contract is like
25 pages.

That's what lawyers are for.
- Well, I'm a lawyer.

And I assure you that
it's in there.

- You're a lawyer?

Then might I ask
what you're doing here?

- I'm a prosecutor.

And uh, when you're putting
away the kind of guys I do--

- Or gals.
- No, never women.

It's always safest
to keep a low profile.

So part of that involved
paying Betty and Benny in cash.

[Relieved exhales]
- Okay.

Well, that explains what
that big ole bag was for.

- How do you know
I have a big old bag?

- I didn't know.

I don't know anything
about a bag.

- You guys have been in my
room, haven't you?

You know I keep a lot of very
highly classified

documents in here.
- Uh, no, it wasn't us.

- No.

- But we will make sure
no one ever pokes around

in here again.
- Right.

- We wouldn't want you
to have to use your gun.

- You found my gun?

- I don't know what
he's talking about.

Obviously you're a valued
guest here.

So here's my card,

and we can set up the same
cash payments

that you gave to Betty.
Have a very pleasant stay.

[Door slams]

- Well, Johnny, you still
wanna call the cops?

- Okay, you were right on
this one, Roland.

- I think this was a pretty
important one to be right on.

Our first guest, not bad, huh?

- Not bad.

- Okay. How about Good job,
Roland."

- Good job, Roland.

- You're a professional,
Roland.

Dr. Clara Mandrake:
What have we done?!

[Thunder cracks, crows cawing]

- Good. Good. And the
egg-laying feels grounded.

[Door opens]
- Hi Moira,

I don't wanna interrupt you,

I can see you're busy...
watching the trailer again.

I just wanted to apologize
for earlier.

- No need to self-flagellate,
Jocelyn.

Even if yours is the lone
dissenting voice

in the canticle.

- Sorry, Moira,
I think my reason

for not wanting to jump
on the bandwagon

is just that I've seen you
get your hopes up before,

only to be disappointed
when things didn't work out.

- I don't require coddling.

- I know.

Now that I realize that my
opinion means something to you,

there is a lot that I liked
about the trailer...

- Do go on.

- [Clears throat]

[reads] "From the first
ominous syllable

of the narrator's tale,

one can feel the hair
on one's arms standing

at affrighted attention.

Yes, there will be blood.

And, yes, you will be
horror-struck.

But, more than that,
you will be lured,

against every instinct
for self-preservation,

to look inside,
and face your very own

futile resistance
to transfiguration."

- Who wrote that?
- I did.

- You? You did.

Oh, wow... Jocelyn, thank you.

Nothing about me
or my performance?

- Oh. It's just a first draft.

- Yes. Okay.

- I really liked your feathers!
- Mhmm.

- They're very life-like.

- Surprise. They are real.

1200 of them hand-sewn
into my costume.

Mhmm.

The live crows on set
welcomed me as their own.

One even tried to mate.

- Ooh. Sounds dangerous.
- [Chuckles] Wow.

Perhaps one more watch to get
your superlatives surging anew?

- Oh Moira, I'm sure
that you're tired and...

okay.

Trailer Voice: "There was
a time

when the Crows were our
friends."

- That voice really is creepy.
- Shh.

- Wow, so what happened?

She was ready to hand over
the crown.

- Oh, she was, but...

I feel like she needs it
more than I do.

- Wow. Who are you?

- I know, right?
Like what's happening to me?

- You're going soft.
- Ugh.

- But don't worry.
I won't tell anyone.

- Anyway, it might kill
me on the day,

but I'm glad that she actually
found something

to distract herself.
- Hm. Mhmm.

Speaking of the day...

I have a better job for you?

- Okay. I think it would be
a weird look for me

to be a flower girl
at my age, David.

- I've thought about it...

and I want you to give me away.

- Oh my God, David.

That's like arguably the most
important role of the wedding.

- A simple yes or no is fine.
No need to pull focus.

Okay.
- I do.

- Great.

- Although now that I think
about it,

I could also be the flower girl.

Like come out first, wearing a
gown made entirely of flowers--

- No.
- Just walk down the aisle,

and loop back...
- Absolutely not.

- and then quick outfit change,
and we're up.

- I take it back,
I'm gonna ask Jocelyn.

- Hm. Hey...
- Enough.