All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S04E05.RIP.Moira.Rose.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD2.0.H.264-CtrlHD

Flowers!

Oh, John, I do love how
you keep the magic alive.

Well, they're not from me,
Moira.

"Sorry for your loss.
She was really something."

- Ew. Who was something?

- Well, I don't know.

They didn't even put their
name on the card.

Alexis: Mom?
- In here.

- Oh, thank God.

The internet says you're dead.

- What? Whadda ya mean?

Who's saying that?
Your mother's not dead.

- I'm standing right here.

Yeah, well now I know,
but it's weird

'cause they're still saying it.
- So people are believing it?

Um, well it doesn't help
that Alexis just tweeted

"Goodbye to a great actress,"
with a cool sunglasses emoji.

Okay, I'm wearing sunglasses
because I'm in mourning, David.

What is the source
of this falsehood?

And what photo are they using?

Unclear and primarily
a headshot from the 90's,

so fresh, and young,
and permed.

- So what are you saying?

The entire internet thinks
your mother is dead?

Um, well not like the entire
internet.

It's not even trending,
which is actually kind of sad.

- Mhmm.
- That's what you think is sad?

Someone just dropped
these off for you.

I'm assuming you're not dead?

All right, consider this
camel's back broken.

Who sends pink carnations?

♪♪♪

Oh Johnny, Johnny,
get over here.

Come on, lemme give you one.

Oh yeah. Oh good,
that feels good, doesn't it?

She's...
- Let it out.

- She's not dead, Roland.
- Boy, it's strange,

I can almost still smell her
perfume.

It's because I was
just talking to her.

Well, I understand.
You know,

sometimes I wear Jocelyn's
robe when she's outta town.

Yeah, it was a misprint,
Roland,

Moira's very much alive.

- Oh, well, thank god! Geez.

You know, I gotta be honest
with you,

this news really
kinda hit me hard.

- That's... very nice.

Yeah, the first thing
I thought of is

what would happen to the baby
if something happened to us?

Roland, this is kind
of a heavy conversation

to have at 9 a.m., isn't it?
- Johnny, Johnny,

I want you to be the godfather
to my child.

- What?

Well, it's a no-brainer,
Johnny.

I mean, we're best friends.
- Yeah... but are we?

- And to mark the occasion,

I wanna take you to
a celebratory lunch.

- Well, that's not necessary.

Well, nothing's too good for
the godfather of my child.

- I can't believe it.

I mean I literally saw her
walk past the cafe yesterday.

- I know.

And again you know,
my thing with ghosts?

- Yeah.
- But she didn't seem angry

like the other ones.
- Oh.

- You know, it says here,

that Moira was projected
to be nominated

for 10 Daytime People's
Choice Awards.

12!
Oh my god.

- The most projected nominee

to have never actually
been nominated.

- Moira?

We were just reading an
article that said you were...

Shh. Fear not.
She hath risen!

It's so good to see you.
In the flesh.

- Credit that internet!

Due to careless reporting,

and the gullibility
of the masses,

everyone thinks I've died.

Yeah, because the news
is everywhere.

- Thank you.

Did you see the byline
by Maria Menounos?

No? How did it go?

The unsung hero
of afternoon television.

All:

Oh they're singing
my praises now.

All:

Oh Moira, we are so happy
that you are okay!

- Yes, Jocelyn, thank you.

Can you imagine an alternate
universe

in which I've actually died?

Wow. I wonder
what you'd be saying.

I don't even wanna think
about it.

I know, right?
But theoretically,

what do we think we'd
be saying right now?

Uh, she always kept things
interesting.

- Yeah.

Or uh... heaven just got
its newest leading lady.

All:

Alrighty, I think we should
get to rehearsal, okay?

- We can revisit this later.

Alexis: Thank you so much
for taking me out, David.

I really needed it.

Especially after everything
that's going on with Mom.

- Okay, is that the reason,

or is it because I'm
on a buying trip,

and that means you get free
samples?

We make a very good team,
David.

You do the talking,
and I sample the merchandise.

And speaking of, we might have
to circle back

and get more of these peanut
butter things

from those old farm witches.
- They were Mennonites,

and I would put the peanut
butter square down,

we're about to spend the afternoon
sampling a lot of cheese.

- Hmm. Nom nom for us, David.

- Never say nom nom, again.

Anyway, this is a very
important account for me.

I've been trying for the past
little while to secure

an exclusivity deal
with this vendor,

but she's very picky
about her retailers.

Everyone's trying to get their
greasy hands on her cheese.

- Ew, David.

Wait, Warner Farms?

Does this cheese woman
have animals on her farms?

Like goats?
Does she have goats?

Well, we're about to sample
some goat's cheese,

so I would imagine
she has goats on her farm.

This is Heather Warner's
farm, David.

- I know.

No, like Heather, Heather.
Like, Ted's Heather.

- What? She's like 50.

- She's 42, and I know! Ugh!

Okay.

You know what?

I can't have your personal
drama

storming over my business
dealings right now,

so I think it's best
if you got out of the car,

and walked home.
- Walked home?

That would take
like 15 minutes, David,

that's absolutely
not happening.

Anyway, don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

Okay. Um, then maybe it's
best if you stayed in the car

with the windows down.

Stop it, David,
I'm not a baby.

- So just...

So Roland,
I've been thinking about

your very generous offer
to be godfather to your baby.

It's not an offer, Johnny,
it's an offer you can't refuse.

- Oh. Ha ha, Marlon Brando.

- Right, but from what movie?

- The Godfather.
- No, from Casino.

- Okay, fine.

It wasn't Casino,
Brando wasn't in Casino, but...

- Hmm?
- Roland,

I assume when you say
godfather that it's, you know,

just an honorary title?

No. You'd have to step in
and raise my kid

if something happened
to Jocelyn or me.

Which isn't gonna happen,
but you never know in life.

Our house inspector said that
our furnace could go any day.

Oh, and I'm thinking
of getting Joce

his-and-hers cliff diving
lessons for her birthday.

Oh, yeah, well you see that...
concerns me a little.

Well, those are just kind
of extreme examples, Johnny.

I mean, other than that I'm
in the prime of good health.

Except for this friggin' mole
on my back.

Okay, scoop of tuna on the
Mediterranean salad, for you.

- Thank you.

And the usual fried chicken
on a waffle, extra skin.

- Okay.
- I will be right back

with the hot sauce and butter.
- Yes, and the gravy,

Twyla, please.
Thank you. Ah...

See the thing is, Roland,
I don't think you realize...

...just how big a responsibility
you'd be,

I don't wanna say strapping
to my back, but...

Well, Johnny, that's why
I'm asking you

because um,
I consider you family.

- Oh. Well, as a family member,

I feel we can say
anything to each other.

- Sure.

And, quite frankly,
your lifestyle choices

are making me just a little
nervous.

Don't worry about me.
Mmm mm.

I'm okay.
- Good.

It's just a little piece
of skin back there.

Hmm.

I got it. Still good.
- Hmm.

Do you wanna have a bite?

I'll give you a bite
you can't refuse.

No, no, that's okay.
That's fine. I am done.

Well, this is quite
the spread.

Hm, yeah.
Look at all this cheese.

Nom nom for...

I'm glad we could finally
make this happen.

I know I've been a little hard
to pin down.

It's just we're a family-run
business,

and there's an apprehension
about branching out.

I totally,
totally get that.

We are also a family-run
business.

This is my sister.
- Oh!

I thought you had a male
business partner.

- Oh, I do. She is an intern.

- Oh.

Um, in training to be CEO
of executive buying so...

Okay. Anyway, I just thought
if we partnered together,

we'd be able to extend
your customer base,

and raise your brand awareness.

Ultimately, like,
raise brand awareness.

Listen, David,
I love your store.

But I wanna be up front
with you.

I have been approached by
a couple of other retailers

that I have to consider.

Hm. Someone's in demand,
isn't she?

Which makes sense because
this cheese is amazing and...

like I don't usually love
goat cheese, but...

Thank you. I do have some
prize-winning goats.

And it doesn't hurt
that I'm dating a vet.

- Fun. Mm hmm.

Must be very helpful for you.

- How's that going?

You know, there is something
so familiar about your voice.

Oh. No, people have told me
that I just have like,

one of those voices.
- Mhmm.

Super generic and trill.

Anyway, I just happened
to eat one of those

pieces of blue cheese,

and normally I don't like blue
cheese in my mouth,

but that was very... not bad.

I am with you.
I wasn't a fan of it either

until I started using it
in salads.

- Oh.
- Speaking of salads,

I just whipped up a big lunch.

I would love it
if you guys could stay.

- Ooh. Ooh.

No, I for one just had like a
very big peanut butter thing,

so I'm feeling pretty...

- Well, I for one did not.

So we would love to stay
for lunch

with an important supplier.
- Great.

By all means, keep sampling,

and I will start bringing out
the food.

Oh um, I hope you don't mind
if my boyfriend joins us?

- I'm sorry?

- Your boyfriend is here?

- Yeah.
- Mhmm.

You know what, I'm realizing that
this might be an imposition.

Get in the car!
- Not an imposition at all.

Ted?

The clients are gonna stay
for lunch.

Would you mind helping me
set the table?

- Uh, sure.

- Thanks.

♪♪♪

Oh, Becca DeMornay,
what a sweetheart.

It's times like this you learn
who your true friends are.

I'm busy!

Stevie: There's kind of
a situation out here.

- Okay, come in.

Oh hey, so there's a reporter
outside, asking questions.

I thought you should know.

- A reporter? Here? Now!

Yeah, didn't you expect them
to come?

Well, I thought it might be
contained to the internet.

Is there a scrum?
How many camera crews?

- I think just one.

Unless they all used
the same van.

- No. No, Stevie, no.

This is not, not how I imagined
my resurrection news to break!

Impeccably dressed woman

wanders out of Podunk motel.

No, that's not the headline!

Okay, well I actually own
this Podunk motel,

and I don't know
what choice you have.

Well, we have to think
of something.

After all my fans have endured?

No, I can't let them see me
like this.

It would kill Sir Tony Geary.

No!

No! Ah! Stevie, help me!

Ah! No!
- Okay.

Wow.
Well, this looks delicious.

Thank you so much
for having us.

Mmm. Mmm.

Well, this quiche is a treat.

I didn't know you'd gotten
into prepared foods?

I haven't. I just made
this for lunch.

But if you've ever had her
quiche,

you can definitely say
that it is eggs-cellent.

Ted.

So how is it you know
each other?

- Um, well...

Uh... well Alexis and I
worked together.

She used to be my receptionist.

- That's how I know your voice.

You answered the phones
at the vet's clinic.

Yes! Well, I mean,
like technically

I had more responsibility than
just answering the phones but...

Oh, and Ted is the vet
that you said you were dating.

- Yes.
- Okay,

because when you said vet,
I thought you meant like,

a War Vet.

Yeah, no definitely not a War
Vet. Damn these fallen arches.

I mean I must've called there
every day, for months.

- Yes.

Okay, okay. David, see,
now this all makes sense.

- Mhmm.

The quiche is vivacious,

and that is not a word I use
to describe quiche often,

but you know,
when the time is right.

You know, Alexis, I feel like
I really need to thank you.

Had you not passed along
all those messages to Ted,

I mean, looked what happened.

I feel like we owe you,
or something.

- Hmm.

Well, she's a very generous
person so...

Well, if you are looking
for a way to thank me,

I know that David
is looking for

exclusivity on your products.

- Ooh, she is good.

Okay, I'm in.

- Um...

Well, that is why she is
one of our finest interns.

We-we need to get ahead
of this, Stevie.

We must, we must craft
the perfect spin

that both proclaims
I'm not dead,

and explains why I've been
found here.

- Um, okay.

We'll tell them you
brainwashed me.

Could you tell then someone
else brainwashed you?

A cult. A cult.
Our family joined a cult.

There was a charismatic leader,
40 something, very sexual,

had very long hair,
longer than you'd expect,

but it worked.

- How 'bout this idea?

Um, what about telling
the truth?

Truth serum.
Oh Stevie, yes,

those stories are always
successful.

- No, I meant the actual truth.
- Oh.

I've been reading what people
have been saying about you.

They're gonna be really
happy you're still around.

Yeah, I don't think loyalty
was ever in question.

Then why not come forward and
be honest about where you are?

- Stevie, I don't...

Okay, that reporter's not
gonna be out there forever.

This is your chance
to tell your own story,

in your own words.

Like we did during
the writer's strike.

Right?
You have the opportunity

to create your own headline!
- Yes.

And honestly, would you
rather be thought of as dead,

than living here?

Mrs. Rose?

No, I know.
I'm thinking on it.

Look, Jocelyn,
the last thing I want

is for this conversation
to get... uncomfortable.

- Oh boy.

But-but there is a delicate
issue

that I wanted to talk about.

Roland asked if you wanted
to be godfather to the baby.

- Yes!
- He has been asking everybody

to be the godparent.

You're the 3rd person
I've had to talk to today, so.

- Oh, I see.

I just think he wants
to make sure

that our bases are covered,
you know?

Well... that's a relief,
that your bases are covered.

- But here's the good news,

if something does happen
to one of our first 3 choices,

we will definitely be knocking
on your door.

It's all for the best,
Jocelyn,

because frankly the thought
of raising another kid...

- Yeah, well, let's face it,

your first 2 were no walk
in the park, right.

- Well, they're good kids.

Yeah, I mean you had
a lotta help.

Yeah, but you know,
we're very capable parents.

Well if you like, we could
um, move you up the list?

No, no, no, but this has all
been very, very helpful.

So, thank you.

- Ahem, well, that went well.

- Yeah.

- You didn't have to do that.

I just like,
hate how good this cheese is.

- Thank you.

That wasn't the most
comfortable situation to be in.

I'm just glad Ted's found
someone so stable and healthy.

You're in love with him,
aren't you?

- Yes.

Yup.

Moira: I've always had great
affection for the press,

and my fans.

My fans, and the press,
so thank you.

Yes! Yes!

Stevie!

Do you happen to know
where the van went?

Uh, yeah, apparently there
was another celebrity death.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Who passed?

Um, you know that
YouTube video

of the giraffe and the kitten
who are best friends?

- Alas, I do not.

Okay, well the giraffe
stepped on the kitten.

- Well, of course he did.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I didn't think you
were gonna talk to them.

Oh, uh... you know what,
I'm relieved.

Yes, enough of me for one day.

Yeah, well I mean,
it's pretty amazing

to see how many people
care about you.

- Yeah.
- I mean if I died,

I'd be lucky if 1 person
had something nice to say.

- Oh, Stevie. Stevie,

you have years ahead of you
still to collect a cartage

of adoring mourners.

In the meantime,
they will laugh in your face,

and they'll stab you
in the back,

but the moment you give up
the ghost,

oh they'll all have nothing but
nice things to say about you.

I know I will.

Thank you, Mrs. Rose.
That's very comforting.

And I, for one, am through
with trying to impress people.

- I like the outfit you chose.

Well, you were a big help,
Stevie.

Heading to the cafe.

It's always nice
to dress for dinner.

Alexis: According to this,
you're alive again.

Well, looks like we're back,
sweetheart!

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

I guess we should think about
returning some of these gifts?

- John, they're perishable.

And excuse me, but this is
the first time

we've heard from most
of these people.

These gifts are long overdue.

Oh my God! As if this day
couldn't get any worse.

- What?

- Cuppy the Kitten's dead.
- Oh my god, what happened?

I don't know,
I'm reading, David.

He stepped on her?
Weren't they best friends?

'K, Kelly Ripa just tweeted,
she's taking tomorrow off.

Hashtag RIP Cuppy is
trending.

- Who's Cuppy?

Honestly, what kind of kitten
befriends a giraffe?