All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S02E05.Bobs.Bagels.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.x264-QOQ

Do you like this sweater?
Jared Leto gave it to me,

and I've always been
on the fence about it.

- I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

You either like it,
or you don't like it.

I mean, I like it 'cause
Jared Leto gave it to you,

and he was my first kiss,
but I don't know if I like,

like it, like it.

Um, that's not really
an answer.

- I feel really bad,

I feel like there's something
burning in my throat.

Oh my God, well, you could've
answered the question by now.

So I guess I'm wearing it.

Dad, can you bring me
some juice?

Be right there, honey!
Yes, we'll be right there!

I knew this day would come,
John!

Isolated, impoverished,

cut off from all medical
services!

I only prayed it wouldn't
be Alexis.

- It's just a cold, Moira.

Oh, it's always
just a cold, John,

until it's full blown...
typhoid!

I don't have typhoid!

Well, of course you don't,
what are the chances of that?!

Do you remember
Valentina?

Our chambermaid
in Little Martinique?

We all thought she had
just a cold,

until it was too late!

I'll never shake the mental
image

of her frothing and flailing
in the water taxi!

I can still hear you!

- We love you, Alexis!

Don't we?!
- We love you, Alexis.

Tell her you're gonna bring
her the juice.

I am bringing the juice,
Moira.

- John, don't touch her.

- Ohhh...

This is as far
as I go, Alexis.

One of us has to stay
safe for David.

- I'm already in the room.

See, we're still alive,
Moira,

I think we're gonna be okay.

Of course you are,
that's the spirit.

I'm just going to close
this door until you're done.

Sorry!
I'm sorry!

*

- Oh! Uh...

Do you like this sweater?

- Honestly...

while I admire your courage,

when it comes to fashion,

I'm just not the best
person to ask.

- Okay.
- What's going on?

- Nothing.

- Mm, you seem stressy.
- I'm not. I'm not stressy.

I just want to make
a lasting impression, so...

- It's a job interview?

For a "brand manager"
position

at an upscale boutique.

- In Elmdale?!

Okay, there are certain
lies I tell myself,

and if you're any kind
of a friend,

you' will let me
cling to those lies.

And drive me to the interview.

So is this like,
an either/or type thing?

Can I help you cling to lies,
and not drive you to Elmdale?

Okay, I'm gonna change
my sweater,

and meet you at your car, so.

- It's like a poncho.

- So the guys says to me,

"well, I wouldn't try that
with a fractured larynx!"

I wouldn't try that, period!

- Morning, boys.
- Hi, Johnny.

- Ahem!
- Oh man! Oh, boy.

Well, if you gentlemen
don't mind,

I'd like to start my day.

Yeah, me too, um...

Do you guys wanna see
a card trick?

- Oh, I do.
- Okay, first thing I need is a deck of cards.

All right, you know what,
I hate to break up this party,

but this is my office, and I do
have a lot of work to do,

so up, Roland.

- Your office?

Well, that's kind
of interesting, Johnny,

because I don't remember seeing
your application

for a new business license.

- Oh jeez!

To be a fly on the wall
for this conversation!

- Bob, you're in the room.

You know, Johnny, it's kind
of standard procedure

for new businesses to register.

But then again, I guess
you don't really have

a lot to register, do you?

- Maybe not to you, Roland,

But keep in mind I did
start Rose Video

with $2,000 dollars
and a dream,

so it's all about planning.

- I see it every day.

Lots of quiet planning.

Sure, he treats himself
to a muffin or two,

but uh, I get that that's all
part of the planning,

right, Johnny?

- Could be.

Yeah, could be. I mean...

I could look at this muffin
and say, this is a fine muffin.

I'd kill for a bagel,
but I haven't seen one bagel

since I got to this town.

Now, back at Rose Video,
I used to get my assistant

to bring me a bagel
every morning.

So I might think a bagel shop
is something

this town could use.

Oh, I love a good bagel,
Johnny.

Do you-do you think that idea
really has legs?

Well, it's just an example,
Bob.

Ooh, I just get chills
thinking that we're sitting

right in the middle of the
"Johnny Rose Dream Factory!"

Ooooh!

Stupid... baby.

I'll tell you what, Johnny,
instead of the license fee,

I'll just take a bite
of your muffin.

Mmm! Good!

Mmmm! Mm! Mm!

I have to go to this
Jazzagals rehearsal, Alexis,

so I'll need your word
you'll remain stable.

We're a long way
from any hospitals.

You can't be playing fast
and loose with those symptoms.

Alexis?

Alexis?!
- I'm sleeping!

- Oh, honey!

Honey, I need to ask you
a serious question.

Has it gotten worse, or are you
just not wearing any makeup?

Your freaking out
is not helping anything!

- Well, I'm sorry, dear,

but you're the first one
to get sick here,

and I- I can't...I don't...

- I appreciate your concern,

but it's only a cold,
and I just need to get better.

- You're right.

- Do I have a fever, though?

- I don't know.
- Can you see?

- Hmm. Ugh!

I think you have to do it
without the tissue.

You're right, okay, put your
hand up on the forehead.

- Mom!

Oh God!

It's warm!
- How warm?

I don't know Alexis,
I'm not a nurse!

Though I played one once in a lovely
little production of "Harvey,"

but she worked
in a mental institute.

I blame those late nights
at the barn.

Cold air whistling in and out,

and you and Mutt not wearing
near enough clothing.

Everybody gets sick
sometimes.

- Speak for yourself!

I'm sorry, Alexis,
I'm sorry I must leave you,

but... Mummy's gotta fight
for her solo.

Arghhhh!

- No. Nope. No.

- What?
- Well, this can't be it.

- That's it.

Can't you tell by how upscale
the boutique is?

Well, that's false
advertising!

I've been in this boutique,

and nothing about it
is upscale!

How did you being in this
store ever happen?

I was with Roland,
we were shopping for Jocelyn.

It's a long, frightening story.

Anyway, we can't be here,
we need to go.

- Why? What's the big deal?

There is a solid chance
I may have insulted the owner.

Oh well, that doesn't sound
like something you'd do.

She has very questionable
taste.

- Mhm.
- And I may or may not have told her that to her face.

So there is no point in being
here, you can start the car.

I didn't drive all the way
out here for you not to do this.

Also, this is probably
the only job

in this town that you'll ever
be qualified for.

Okay, so do you want me
to lead with that,

or hold it 'til the end,
and keep it as a surprise?

- You know, Johnny...

I think you're really on to
something with this bagel idea.

Yeah, but Bob,
as I said this morning,

it wasn't so much an idea,

as it was an example
of an idea.

- I see.

Well, for example, if you were
to open a bagel shop,

what would be the first thing
you'd need to do?

Well offhand,
I honestly don't know,

I suppose I'd start
by finding a space.

And then I'd probably source
out a bagel oven,

and um, a bagel baker.

Sesame seeds? Gwen loves
the ones with sesame seeds.

- Yeah well, whatever.

And then we get
the blueberry cream cheese.

- Ooh!
- Yeah.

Listen Bob, I appreciate
your enthusiasm,

but even if this bagel shop
was a viable idea...

- Which I think it is.
- Fair enough.

But you still have...
considerable overhead.

I mean, you wanna make sure
you're making...

good bagels the real way.

Well,

you would certainly know how
to make them the real way,

because you're uh... you...

- Jewish?
- I didn't know if I could say it.

But boy, do you all love
your bagels!

I mean, I do too,
and I'm not even uh...

- Jewish. You can say it, Bob.

- I don't know why,

it feels like a swear.

What's the one you can't say?

Okay, you know what, I've got
a lot of work to do, Bob,

but thanks for stopping by.

So... David!

This is quite the resume.

If I ever need a performance
artist I know who to call.

- Thank you.
- Skanky!

- Excuse me?
- You called my store skanky

when you were here
with the mayor.

- Mmm... Mmhm.

- Hmm.

Well, what I think I'd bring
to the position

is a worldly approach
to merchandising,

and sales tactics - we're not
over the skanky thing, are we?

No, and I can't help
but wonder,

why you'd wanna work in a store
you described as skanky!

I don't know if we need
to keep saying the word.

- Skanky!

Do you still think my store
is skanky, David?

Which is why I feel
like I can help.

- You think I need your help?!

Well, I am answering
an ad in the paper.

Well David, I am looking
for a partner.

Someone who believes
in my store.

Well, I can say with
complete certainty

that I see literally
nothing but potential.

In your store, you know?

Is the floor overcrowded?
Yeah.

Are the mannequins
a little too busty?

Absolutely.

Does it smell like urinal
cakes in here?

Perhaps.

Well, this is all
very constructive,

and it's clear you have
some strong ideas.

Here's the issue: it seems
as though you have trouble

filtering negative thoughts.

So I don't know if I can
trust you

to represent the "Blouse Barn."

Okay, well, this has been
a treat.

Thank you so much.

I'll need to see you
on the floor,

working with customers.

- Okay.

- Can I help you?
- Bob want us to meet.

- Bob wants us to meet?!

- Yeah, may I sit?
- No, no.

Hey there, Johnny.

- Bob?
- This is Ivan.

- Uh huh?
- Take a load off.

- Ah.
- Well... sure, sit. Sit down.

Ivan would like to help
with the uh, bagel idea.

Well, there's no bagel-
I mean, you know, Bob,

I already told you...
- I got some brick.

You've got bricks?
What bricks?

- For bagel oven.
- Yeah.

Ivan works down at the quarry,

he's got a whole truck
filled with bricks.

Right out front!

Bob, you know, this bagel
shop idea was just an idea.

You know, it's not even
an idea,

it's just an illustration
of a theoretical idea.

- Well, that may be,

but do you know how much
a bagel oven costs?

And Ivan here,
he's willing to do it for free.

- As long as I get to...
- As long as he gets to make the bagels.

- Yeah.
- Wow, well, no one is making any bagels.

Right now.
- You want me to start unloading then?

- No, no unloading.

Ivan, would you excuse us
for a minute?

I just wanna have a word
with Bob.

- Oh yeah, sure.
- Okay.

Could you stand,
and excuse us?

- All right, oh, okay.

I'll meet you out there
in a minute.

Bob, you know, we are...
so f...

- Oh.

We are so far from
even remotely having

a conversation about this...
you know, business.

- Yeah. Okay.

You said you started
Rose Video

with $2,000 bucks and a dream.

I-Bob, you-
you don't have to...

Let's turn this dream...
into green!

Bob, I don't want
your cheque.

Oh my God.

- Ooh!
- Do you think I should get it?

- Mm! That's a question.

- You don't like it.
- I never said that.

I never said that, I feel...
You know, in France,

they say the looser the fit,
the sexier the feel, so...

- I've never been to France.

Okay, what if I pulled
a few other options,

and um, see what happens?

I'll be right back.

Hi! How much longer
do you expect me

to wait in the car
like some hired chauffeur?!

Um, yeah, I'm gonna need you
to do something for me.

- Like drive home without you?

Uh no, Wendy has got me
on a bit of a trial run

with the customers, and I'm
gonna need you to help me out

by looking like you're enjoying
this conversation

a little more than you are,

um, I'm gonna need you to buy
a couple blouses from me.

- A couple?!
- One. A blouse.

- What about this?
- Well, that's not an option.

- That- no.
- But I have my sister's communion this weekend.

- Okay, don't do that.
- Don't do what?

Do you not like it?
- Don't, Stevie!

- Good recommendation, sir!

This is gonna be a smash
at my husband's trial hearing.

He's got good taste.

Okay, so I've pulled
a few options.

Or we can go with what we have.

- These are stupid.
- Okay.

Alexis?

The woman at the general store
said a girl in Elmdale

recently contracted Avian flu.

So I got you a bit
of everything.

Oh...I see you're already
being taken care of.

Hello.

I didn't realize you were
feeling well enough for company.

I just brought over
a few things

to help break the fever.

And it's really helping,
thank you.

No, I-I'm relieved that
Alexis has someone

with such natural
care-giving tendencies.

- I'm gonna go.
- No babe, stay.

Had I known your spirits
were so high,

I might not have spent the last
45 minutes of my life

running around buying
cold medication.

I didn't ask you to go
buy cold medication.

When have you ever bought me
cold medication?!

Exactly, I knew it didn't
feel right.

Agh. I think you're in good hands now,
babe.

- No!
- Uh-huh.

Oh dear, are we sure
this isn't just mono again?

what with your symptoms,
and your lifestyle?

- Mrs. Rose, I don't have mono.

Oh no offense, dear,
could be others.

- Oh my God!
- Get some rest.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Weren't you supposed to be
at choir practice?

- Rehearsal. Yes.

I supposed to be there
over an hour ago.

- So why aren't you?

Because I kept picturing you
diseased and all alone.

That's never stopped
you before.

- I know!

What the hell is going on,
Alexis!

I'm feeling something.
Something debilitating!

You're the ill one, but I'm...
I'm feeling this...

This...
- Maternal instinct, maybe?

- No, that's not it.

No!

- Maybe.

- No!

Have I offended you
in some way, Johnny?

- Probably.

I'm just wondering at what point
you decided to cut me out.

- Of what?
- Well, I assumed I would be consulted

before we made any major
decisions

about the bagel business.
- What decisions?!

Well, hiring Ivan for one
thing,

I-I don't have good feeling
about that guy.

I think he's ex-KGB.

Roland, there is no
bagel business!

Okay, it was just a stupid
idea I made up

because you were right.

- Well, I know that!

Right about what?

- About me not doing anything.

It's tough enough coming up
with a business idea,

let alone a money making idea
in a town this small,

and I was you know, putting
a lot of pressure on myself.

Maybe too much pressure.

and I've been doing nothing
but treading water.

So I started rambling
about bagels this morning.

- Look at this, the brain trust!

So I was thinking, and uh,

I'm not married to it,
but uh...

"Bob's Bagels."

Johnny, I think you have
something

you'd like to say to Bob.

You don't wanna use
the name Bob?

Oh, I get it,

go with something a little
more Old Testament?

- Bob that's not it, no.

See, there won't be a bagel
shop.

'cause I've looked into it,
and it's not feasible.

and there already is a bagel
shop in Elmdale.

But Ivan's about
to hand in his notice

down at the quarry, and uh...

I gave you that cheque!

Yes and of course
I'm-I'm returning...

this cheque to you.

Whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
You took money from Bob?

Why didn't you come to me?
- You would've given me money?

No, of course not,
but as your partner...

You're not a partner!
Not my partner.

Look Bob, I appreciate all the
confidence you've shown in me.

I really do, and I promise you
this:

I will come up with a better
idea real soon.

- You know, next time uh...

I should probably see
a business plan

so I don't invest so much
in another uh, hollow scheme.

Yeah, me too.

- You didn't invest.
- Yes, and whose fault is that?

- Mm...

Well, congratulations.

Let me get the champagne.
You guys are gonna love it,

it's the same one we use to
celebrate my mom's divorces.

- Great...
- So how long before I can return this?

Oh, it's exchange
or store credit only.

- That's funny.
- I'm not joking.

Well, I guess you're buying
drinks tonight.

- I can do that, that's fair.

- And dinner.

- Okay.
- And if I feel like dessert...

It's a $12 dollar negligee
on a 2-for-1 promotion so...

Okay, I'll just drop
a little raisin in here

to release the bubbles.

- Blechhh! That's no necessary!
- Okay!

Congratulations!

- A whole raisin.

- To your first job.

Ooh, my first job was
actually a Gap Kids campaign

when I was six.

- To your first job!
- Mm!

I'm so tired.

- Yeah.
- Tell me a story.

- How about a song?
- No!

- A story it is.

Um...

There once was a radiant
young actress,

who dreamed of having two sons.

The second of which would
be named Alex.

- I don't like this story.
- Shh!

Now it seems the vivacious
Daytime Emmy nominee

was surprised by how
taken she was

with this unanticipated
daughter.

Mostly because she didn't cry
as much as the unmannerly son,

but also because she was
adventurous, carefree,

so beautiful.

Just like her mother.

Alexis, you're on my arm.

Alexis, seriously.
I can't feel it!

I can't- Alexis!
- Aah!

Go to sleep, dear.