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1
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,190
Oh, no.
2
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,580
My empire's crumbled.
3
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,429
Oh, no, Elizabeth.
4
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,997
I'm coming to join you, honey.
5
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,467
You'll recognize me, darling.
6
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:33,158
I'll be the one with the
birdcage on my foot.
7
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,675
Oh, no.
8
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,133
Oh, my goodness gracious.
9
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,320
Hello?
10
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:54,657
Yeah, I want to... I
want to report a break-in.
11
00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:59,896
Yeah, a break in my house
and a break in my horse.
12
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,831
What location?
13
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:06,858
I'd say it was about 3
inches on the left of his tail.
14
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:11,530
Yeah, well, you're another one.
15
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,568
And your mama.
16
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:26,856
Well, what's the matter, Pop?
17
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,191
I-I had a break-in.
18
00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:30,160
Nobody broke in
here. Well, what is this?
19
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:33,062
A self-inflicted wound?
20
00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,664
No, there was a small
earthquake last night,
21
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,666
and a few things got,
you know, shook around.
22
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,835
I must've slept
right through it.
23
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,070
Thank goodness it
was just an earthquake.
24
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,772
What do you mean,
just an earthquake?
25
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,007
Well, just an earthquake.
26
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:46,143
This place is solid as a rock.
27
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,244
A fortress.
28
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:48,345
Like they say...
29
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:51,080
In time, the Rockies may tumble,
30
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:54,017
Gibraltar might crumble...
31
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,553
They're only
made of clay, but...
32
00:02:56,577 --> 00:03:01,224
♪ My junk Is here to stay ♪
33
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,460
♪ Ba ba ba bum ♪
34
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,351
My...
35
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,478
Help!
36
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,846
Call the National Guard!
37
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,150
Call the police!
38
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,144
Well, it's all over,
Pop. How do you feel?
39
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:56,346
Fine, thank you.
40
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:59,003
How are you?
41
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:06,456
You know... I'll tell you, Pop.
42
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,113
You know, it's a...
43
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,396
It's a good thing
44
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,466
we don't live closer to
the San Andreas fault.
45
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,867
It could have been a lot worse.
46
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,269
How could it be worse?
47
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,637
Lookit, all my stuff is broken.
48
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:25,141
The walls all cracked... Oh, no.
49
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,010
Look at my antique chair.
50
00:04:28,034 --> 00:04:31,448
My Louis the 14th.
51
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,516
And 15th.
52
00:04:33,540 --> 00:04:35,952
And 16th century.
53
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,019
Hey.
54
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:38,888
Why don't you sit
down over there, Pop,
55
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,758
and try to compose
yourself... Yeah.
56
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,426
Because these earthquakes
is hard on a fellow.
57
00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:46,463
I don't understand why
people move out here.
58
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,464
Phew.
59
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,733
Earthquakes on the coast,
60
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,769
120-degree temperature
out in the desert.
61
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,837
They ought to change
the name of California
62
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,896
to Shake 'n Bake, USA.
63
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,720
What's the matter, Grady?
64
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:12,422
Well, it's... It's
really nothing much
65
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,291
to be concerned
about, Mr. Sanford.
66
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,525
He's merely experiencing
67
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,927
a mild gastrointestinal
imbalance
68
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:21,063
precipitated by acute
anti-gravitational pull
69
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:24,734
in the lower abdominal cavity.
70
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,759
I gotta throw up.
71
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,610
Oh, I-I'm gonna be all right.
72
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,314
I'm just a little s-seasick
from the earthquake, yeah.
73
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:39,749
I take it you and Lamont
have read this morning's paper,
74
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:41,951
the article about the two
Russian seismologists?
75
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,186
Oh, yeah, I saw it.
76
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,521
Say, Lamont, what's
he talking about?
77
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:45,555
What two Russians?
78
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,424
Well, these two
Russian seismologists
79
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,125
say they've
discovered a new fault.
80
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,261
Well, what was wrong
with the old one?
81
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,698
And they're predicting
a massive earthquake
82
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,699
on November 6th.
83
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:57,534
November 6th?
84
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:59,168
That's only five days away!
85
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,871
Don't worry about a
thing, Pop. It's not possible.
86
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,473
I beg to differ
with you, Lamont.
87
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,308
Today is November the 1st,
88
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:06,643
and it's extremely possible
89
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:09,779
that November the 6th
is only five days away.
90
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,013
Excuse me, Mr. Wilson,
91
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,849
I think what Lamont meant
92
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,752
was that the massive
earthquake is unlikely to happen.
93
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,887
Oh, that's good.
94
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:21,324
Wow. Thank you, Lamont.
95
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,059
You know, none of
the American experts
96
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,861
agree with the
Russian experts either.
97
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:25,862
What did they say?
98
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,997
Well, here's a newspaper.
99
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,999
Should be an article right
here on the front page,
100
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,768
reprinted courtesy of
101
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,872
that fantastically respected
publication Pravda.
102
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,541
Now, according to the
two Commie pinkos,
103
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,843
the fault begins
104
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,178
up here in the San
Fernando Valley,
105
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,780
cuts down the San Diego freeway
106
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,282
to the Slauson cutoff, and it...
107
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,150
The Slauson cutoff,
you know what that is?
108
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:49,786
That's where you
get outta your car
109
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:50,987
and cut off your Slauson.
110
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,160
Heeere's Johnny!
111
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:00,630
Heeere's knuckles!
112
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,098
Let's see, then it says
113
00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,533
it continues on
through Hollywood,
114
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:07,103
slices into Watts right past
9114 South Central Avenue...
115
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:08,838
Hold it, hold it.
Turns eastward at...
116
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,106
Hold it, hold it.
117
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,074
Did you say 9114?
118
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:15,378
This is 9114 South Central...
119
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,481
Holy moly, I am standing
on a potential earthquake.
120
00:07:18,505 --> 00:07:20,116
That is bad luck.
121
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:21,584
You know what they say?
122
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,341
Step on a crack, break
your mother's back.
123
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,289
Well, "so short."
124
00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,624
So long!
125
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,013
So long, right.
126
00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:40,970
Hey, son, you
wanna give me a hand
127
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,338
covering up some of these cracks
128
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,140
before the people get
here to see the house?
129
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,342
Hey, Pop, you're
not selling this house.
130
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:48,377
Who said anything
about selling it?
131
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:49,979
I'm unloading it
132
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,615
on the first sucker
that make me an offer.
133
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,016
And then what are you gonna do?
134
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,585
Where are you gonna live then?
135
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,153
Oh, probably Nevada.
136
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,055
You know, I've been looking
137
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,245
at some prime
ocean-front property.
138
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,662
Nevada isn't on the ocean.
139
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,552
It will be after the quake.
140
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,237
Now, come on with
me, son. You'll have fun.
141
00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,073
I'm not going to Nevada.
142
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,208
Okay, you got three
days before Q-Day
143
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:20,232
to think about it.
144
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,914
That must be Mr. and
Mrs. Sucker Johnson.
145
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,182
Now, listen,
146
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,550
don't try serving no
gingerbread cookies
147
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:28,551
or nothing like that.
148
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,052
I'm gonna get 'em in here fast
149
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,254
and get 'em on outta here in
case there's another tremor.
150
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,056
I'm not gonna have
anything to do with this.
151
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,492
Then stay out. Mind
your own business.
152
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:38,528
I can take care of this
myself. I know how to handle...
153
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,096
Hello. We're the
Johnsons from Kansas City.
154
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,764
Yes, the suckers... I
mean, the Johnsons.
155
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:42,966
Come right in.
156
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,801
Come right in. I'll show
you right over here.
157
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,068
Move, honey, move.
158
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,004
This is the kitchen over there.
159
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,139
This is the living
room. This is 15 by 8.
160
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,608
It was built in 1921,
161
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,677
and then in 1965, we
repainted the place...
162
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,146
and over here, see, I
threw the carpets out,
163
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,749
all this furniture is
original reproduction
164
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:01,017
of something famous.
165
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,219
Come on up here. I'll
show you the rest of it.
166
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,654
- Right up here.
- I'm not sure...
167
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,423
Move, honey, move.
Do you hear that? Move!
168
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,859
Go all the way up
there. Come on.
169
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,495
There you are. Now, look here.
170
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,263
This is the bedroom.
171
00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,464
Second bedroom.
172
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:16,533
Sun room.
173
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,067
Bathroom. LAMONT: Hey!
174
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:19,602
Excuse me.
175
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,004
Linen closet on the left.
176
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,906
Clothes closet on the right.
177
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,073
Storage room.
178
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,609
Utility room.
179
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:29,646
Back to the living room.
180
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:32,916
Hurry, move down there, folks.
181
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,183
Back to the living room.
182
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,418
Hey, you gonna take it?
183
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:37,854
Well, I think I'd
like to see it first.
184
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,256
I've seen enough, Mavis.
It's perfect, Mr. Sanford.
185
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,625
I can relocate my
junk business here
186
00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:43,626
with no problem at all.
187
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:44,627
Good, good.
188
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:45,662
Leonard, are you crazy?
189
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,530
This place looks
an earthquake hit it.
190
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:48,898
Shut up, lady.
191
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,800
Now, listen, I'll accept
any reasonable offer.
192
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:54,604
Any reasonable offer.
193
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,606
Any way you wanna pay...
194
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,207
You can pay anything
you want down.
195
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,642
It don't make no
difference, see,
196
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,578
because... because see, the...
197
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,115
You can just... I'll
change the price for you.
198
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,684
I'll be very flexible
with the price.
199
00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,719
You can move in
anytime you get ready.
200
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,956
You can move right in there...
201
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,157
You can move right in.
202
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:17,326
What...? What was that?
203
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,629
Oh, that.
204
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,030
Well, see, that was
the Watts subway.
205
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:24,533
You heard of the
Watts line? That was it.
206
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,135
I didn't know Los
Angeles had a subway.
207
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,072
Shh! Yes, but we're
trying to keep it a secret,
208
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:31,096
because we don't
want no overcrowding.
209
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,776
Now, I'll accept
any reasonable offer.
210
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,411
Well, I'll give you $11,000.
211
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:36,779
I was thinking more like 22,
212
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,581
and I won't take a
cent less than 22.
213
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,849
Come along, Mavis.
214
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,250
Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
215
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,519
I lied. I lied. I'll accept.
216
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:45,187
I'll accept.
217
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,789
Now, here's the keys
to the house, and...
218
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,190
Wait a minute,
Leonard, this place is...
219
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,692
I don't know. I wish
you'd reconsider.
220
00:10:49,716 --> 00:10:51,193
This place is so ramshackle.
221
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:53,577
Why don't you take that
shackle and ram it in your mouth?
222
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,603
Then it's all set.
223
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:02,204
I'll meet you tomorrow
at the escrow office.
224
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,572
Now, may I call a cab?
225
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,274
Leonard, why don't we
just take the subway?
226
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,275
Oh! Hey, that's...
227
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:07,276
That's a good idea, Leonard.
228
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,477
Why don't y'all take the subway,
229
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,812
right on out there.
230
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,413
Uh, where's the nearest
subway station, Mr. Sanford?
231
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,671
Uh, just walk east.
232
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:16,607
And turn left in Philadelphia!
233
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,059
There, son, 270 smackeroos
234
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,394
from my once-in-a-lifetime
235
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:28,564
earthshaking
eve-of-destruction sale.
236
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:29,799
Not bad, eh?
237
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:30,833
Not bad?
238
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,035
You sold all of our merchandise
239
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,803
for a third of what it's worth.
240
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:36,005
Change your mind, son.
Come on to Las Vegas.
241
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,306
No.
242
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,175
Just for one day, then...
243
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,644
Then you could come
back after the disaster,
244
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:42,645
when it's safe.
245
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:43,880
If it's safe.
246
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,716
Come back to what?
The house is in escrow.
247
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,106
And it will be in the ocean.
248
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,121
The house won't even
be ours in 10 days.
249
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,493
Come in.
250
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,027
Hold it right there.
251
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,930
I just had my rug cleaned.
Get that mud off your feet.
252
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,599
Anything else?
253
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,524
Yeah. I just did my mirrors.
Wipe that ugly off your face.
254
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,906
Why, you old beady-eyed fool!
255
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,373
Wait a minute.
256
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,677
You up!
257
00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:18,081
You'd better watch
yourself, Fred Sanford.
258
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:21,383
You've been sinning and
transgressing all your life.
259
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,019
If the Lord wanna
strike you down,
260
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,353
he'll find you,
261
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:27,156
even if he has to
go to Las Vegas.
262
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,158
Well, he'd better not come
to Las Vegas this weekend,
263
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:32,117
because Frank Sinatra's in
town and all the rooms are filled.
264
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,898
You know, Pop, Aunt
Esther's right, man.
265
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,266
When your time comes, it comes,
266
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,601
earthquake or no earthquake.
267
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,369
Oh, glory!
268
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,138
Like the Bible said,
269
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:45,307
"There's a time to
live and a time to die,
270
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:48,244
a time to sow and
a time to reap."
271
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,835
And a time to shut up
and a time to creep out.
272
00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,686
I'm shutting up,
and I'm creeping out,
273
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,355
you old heathen.
274
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,880
Oh, glory! Oh, hallelujah.
275
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,697
Well, son, I'd better be going,
276
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:10,299
because I don't
want to miss my bus.
277
00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:12,101
Hey, Pop, can't I
talk you out of it?
278
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,970
I think you're acting foolish.
279
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:16,739
If your mother and I had known
we were gonna have a son
280
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:19,008
that didn't know the difference
between careful and foolish,
281
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,576
we'd have been a
little more careful
282
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,500
that foolish night 35 years ago.
283
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,147
Thank you, brother.
284
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,797
Five, come on, five!
285
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,132
Come on, five!
286
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:53,824
Doggone, lost again.
287
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:57,561
Gee, oh...
288
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,259
Stupid craps table.
289
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:18,261
Dumb roulette wheel.
290
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,296
Twenty-one!
291
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,686
That's 23.
292
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:30,839
Whoa!
293
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:32,708
Say, say, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.
294
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,176
You Merv Griffin, ain't you?
295
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,978
Yeah, yeah, I am. Could
you hold my racket?
296
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,113
Hey, listen, you Merv Griffin,
297
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,747
you the one got that TV show
298
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,616
that's been on a long time?
299
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,785
Yeah.
300
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,086
Well, if you Merv Griffin,
301
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,988
look like you'd
have enough money
302
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:47,223
to get a pair of pants
303
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,258
that go all the way
down to the floor.
304
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,559
Are you kidding?
I'm a sportsman.
305
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,494
These are my tennis shorts.
306
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:54,363
Well, I'm a sportsman too.
307
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:55,364
Yeah.
308
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,632
Well, look. Hold this.
309
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:59,135
Here's my polo...
Polo shirt. Yeah?
310
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,070
You wanna see my jockey shorts?
311
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,671
I don't wanna see
your jockey shorts.
312
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,540
Are you some kind of nut?
313
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,431
What do you mean,
"nut"? I used to like you...
314
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:08,833
Dummy.
315
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,714
Hey, honey, wait a minute. Wait.
316
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,850
What is it? I mean,
it's just a fountain.
317
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,385
Throw a coin in there.
318
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:50,652
What for?
319
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,089
That's Caesar's
lucky wishing pond.
320
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,491
Boy, I can use some luck.
321
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,695
Hey, wait a minute.
Just a second.
322
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:38,267
- Aren't you Stu, St...
- Ed...
323
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,768
Steve and Eydie?
324
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,138
I'm just Steve. She's Eydie.
325
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,940
Yeah, I'm Fred G.
Sanford. I'm in antiques.
326
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,208
Yeah, I see,
327
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:49,445
and you really
look good in them.
328
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,513
Oh, that's wonderful.
329
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,014
Listen, if you're
ever in Los Angeles,
330
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,184
feel free... to call on me.
331
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,619
Thanks, but I'd
rather use a phone.
332
00:17:57,643 --> 00:18:01,890
Uh... Well, nice to
see you, Freddie.
333
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,092
Uh-huh.
334
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:04,949
Bye. Come on, darling.
335
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,996
Did you hear that, Elizabeth?
336
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,199
Eydie called me Stev... Freddie.
337
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,700
Fr... eh...
338
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,336
Hey, wait a minute, buddy.
I got 25 cents in there.
339
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,737
Now, back out of the way, man.
340
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,639
I got 25... Oh!
341
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:21,110
Look at that. That's my jackpot.
342
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:22,378
That's my jackpot there.
343
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,802
I had twen... I had...
344
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,947
Well, maybe you need the money.
345
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:37,289
All right, all right!
346
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,862
Hello?
347
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:43,099
Oh, yeah, operator,
I'll accept the charges.
348
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:44,333
Hi, Pop.
349
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,135
Lamont, I've been trying
to reach you all night.
350
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:48,137
I was out on a
date. I just came in.
351
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,338
Yeah, I was worried about you.
352
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:50,406
How's the damage?
353
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:51,607
What damage?
354
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,309
There was no damage, Pop.
355
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,177
The earthquake
didn't happen, man.
356
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:57,113
The time is up. You
can come home now.
357
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,314
Lamont, are you sure
358
00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,748
the house is still standing?
359
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,484
I'm positive, Pop.
360
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,985
And you weren't killed?
361
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,786
No, I wasn't killed.
362
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,155
Y-you're not just saying that
363
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,259
to make me feel bad, are you?
364
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,127
Would you stop it?
365
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,894
Now, get on a bus and come home.
366
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:14,330
I can't.
367
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,698
I don't have no fare.
I lost all my money.
368
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,534
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, Pop.
369
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,536
You took all the
money we had to Vegas.
370
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,004
I know, I know, I know.
371
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,005
Okay. Bye, son.
372
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,029
Bye.
373
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,246
I got no money to even
try to get my money back.
374
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:33,249
I need a stake.
A nickel or a dime.
375
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,650
I got nothing.
376
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:37,753
A nickel, a dime,
a quart... Quarter!
377
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,355
I know where I
can get a quarter,
378
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,459
and it's my own money.
379
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:51,567
Hey, you bum.
380
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,736
Get outta there
before you go to jail.
381
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,607
I lost my money.
I'm going to jail.
382
00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,708
Oh, Elizabeth...
383
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:02,044
I'm coming to join you, honey.
384
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,313
I'll be the one that's wet.
385
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,603
I need this money.
386
00:20:25,191 --> 00:20:30,806
♪ Nobody knows you ♪
387
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:36,144
♪ When you're down and out ♪
388
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:41,317
♪ In my pocket Not one penny ♪
389
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:46,154
♪ And my friends I haven't any ♪
390
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:50,259
♪ But if I ever Get
on my feet again ♪
391
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:57,366
♪ Then I'll meet
My long-lost friend ♪
392
00:20:57,390 --> 00:21:02,705
♪ It's mighty strange
Without a doubt ♪
393
00:21:02,729 --> 00:21:07,175
♪ Nobody knows you
When you're down and out ♪
394
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:11,012
♪ I mean When you're
down and out ♪♪
395
00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:13,537
You bigot!
396
00:21:22,148 --> 00:21:23,281
Lamont, Lamont.
397
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,330
Hey.
398
00:21:28,354 --> 00:21:29,531
What's the matter with you, Pop?
399
00:21:29,555 --> 00:21:31,133
You look like you've
been in an accident.
400
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,134
Worse.
401
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:33,135
What could be worse
402
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,070
than being in an accident?
403
00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,727
Being on a chicken truck.
404
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,309
I hate to say I
told you so, Pop,
405
00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:41,777
but it's your own fault.
406
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,345
No, it's not. It's
the Russians' fault.
407
00:21:43,369 --> 00:21:45,247
They promised us
something and didn't deliver.
408
00:21:45,271 --> 00:21:46,248
We should sue 'em.
409
00:21:46,272 --> 00:21:47,316
For what?
410
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:50,341
Failure to deliver the quiver.
411
00:21:53,946 --> 00:21:55,524
Why don't you just
forget about it, Pop,
412
00:21:55,548 --> 00:21:56,892
and chalk it up to experience,
413
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:59,695
and the next time, don't
believe everything you read.
414
00:21:59,719 --> 00:22:01,229
Yeah, some experience.
415
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:04,366
I sold all my merchandise
for less than I paid for it,
416
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:06,402
then I lost all my
money in Las Vegas,
417
00:22:06,426 --> 00:22:08,003
then I went to
jail and dried out...
418
00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:09,004
You were drunk?
419
00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:10,238
No, no, no.
420
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:12,007
There was three
coins in the fountain,
421
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:14,031
and I jumped in
and got mine out of it.
422
00:22:15,868 --> 00:22:18,046
And then I sold my
house... I unsold it.
423
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:19,815
Huh? You what?
424
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,650
While you were gone, I
called up the Johnsons
425
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,452
and I told them why
you wanted to sell,
426
00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:25,654
and they said if we didn't
give them their money back,
427
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:27,189
they were gonna sue
us for misrepresentation.
428
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:28,990
It seems that there's
a law in this state
429
00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,158
against what you did.
430
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:31,393
Yeah, the old...
431
00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:33,629
"Calling an Earthquake
a Subway" law.
432
00:22:33,653 --> 00:22:35,431
I hope you learned
something from all of this.
433
00:22:35,455 --> 00:22:36,732
I did learn something, son,
434
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:38,734
and I'm sorry that I
said that you was crazy
435
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:41,136
and that you was a dummy...
436
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:42,538
Because when you called
those Johnsons back,
437
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:44,162
and got our house
back, that was smart...
438
00:22:47,233 --> 00:22:48,711
Why didn't you
unload this turkey
439
00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:50,512
like I told you?
440
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:51,902
I told you!
441
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,406
Oh, no, son.
442
00:22:57,577 --> 00:22:58,642
Help!
443
00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:02,881
Oh!
444
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:58,146
Listen, why don't you
call them Johnsons back,
445
00:23:58,170 --> 00:23:59,748
and I'll sell them
the house for $1000.
446
00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:00,883
Call them yourself.
447
00:24:00,907 --> 00:24:02,083
Where are you going?
448
00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:03,707
Las Vegas!
31093
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