Original subtitles

Oh, no.

My empire's crumbled.

Oh, no, Elizabeth.

I'm coming to join you, honey.

You'll recognize me, darling.

I'll be the one with the birdcage on my foot.

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Hello?

Yeah, I want to... I want to report a break-in.

Yeah, a break in my house and a break in my horse.

What location?

I'd say it was about 3 inches on the left of his tail.

Yeah, well, you're another one.

And your mama.

Well, what's the matter, Pop?

I-I had a break-in.

Nobody broke in here. Well, what is this?

A self-inflicted wound?

No, there was a small earthquake last night,

and a few things got, you know, shook around.

I must've slept right through it.

Thank goodness it was just an earthquake.

What do you mean, just an earthquake?

Well, just an earthquake.

This place is solid as a rock.

A fortress.

Like they say...

In time, the Rockies may tumble,

Gibraltar might crumble...

They're only made of clay, but...

♪ My junk Is here to stay ♪

♪ Ba ba ba bum ♪

My...

Help!

Call the National Guard!

Call the police!

Well, it's all over, Pop. How do you feel?

Fine, thank you.

How are you?

You know... I'll tell you, Pop.

You know, it's a...

It's a good thing

we don't live closer to the San Andreas fault.

It could have been a lot worse.

How could it be worse?

Lookit, all my stuff is broken.

The walls all cracked... Oh, no.

Look at my antique chair.

My Louis the 14th.

And 15th.

And 16th century.

Hey.

Why don't you sit down over there, Pop,

and try to compose yourself... Yeah.

Because these earthquakes is hard on a fellow.

I don't understand why people move out here.

Phew.

Earthquakes on the coast,

120-degree temperature out in the desert.

They ought to change the name of California

to Shake 'n Bake, USA.

What's the matter, Grady?

Well, it's... It's really nothing much

to be concerned about, Mr. Sanford.

He's merely experiencing

a mild gastrointestinal imbalance

precipitated by acute anti-gravitational pull

in the lower abdominal cavity.

I gotta throw up.

Oh, I-I'm gonna be all right.

I'm just a little s-seasick from the earthquake, yeah.

I take it you and Lamont have read this morning's paper,

the article about the two Russian seismologists?

Oh, yeah, I saw it.

Say, Lamont, what's he talking about?

What two Russians?

Well, these two Russian seismologists

say they've discovered a new fault.

Well, what was wrong with the old one?

And they're predicting a massive earthquake

on November 6th.

November 6th?

That's only five days away!

Don't worry about a thing, Pop. It's not possible.

I beg to differ with you, Lamont.

Today is November the 1st,

and it's extremely possible

that November the 6th is only five days away.

Excuse me, Mr. Wilson,

I think what Lamont meant

was that the massive earthquake is unlikely to happen.

Oh, that's good.

Wow. Thank you, Lamont.

You know, none of the American experts

agree with the Russian experts either.

What did they say?

Well, here's a newspaper.

Should be an article right here on the front page,

reprinted courtesy of

that fantastically respected publication Pravda.

Now, according to the two Commie pinkos,

the fault begins

up here in the San Fernando Valley,

cuts down the San Diego freeway

to the Slauson cutoff, and it...

The Slauson cutoff, you know what that is?

That's where you get outta your car

and cut off your Slauson.

Heeere's Johnny!

Heeere's knuckles!

Let's see, then it says

it continues on through Hollywood,

slices into Watts right past 9114 South Central Avenue...

Hold it, hold it. Turns eastward at...

Hold it, hold it.

Did you say 9114?

This is 9114 South Central...

Holy moly, I am standing on a potential earthquake.

That is bad luck.

You know what they say?

Step on a crack, break your mother's back.

Well, "so short."

So long!

So long, right.

Hey, son, you wanna give me a hand

covering up some of these cracks

before the people get here to see the house?

Hey, Pop, you're not selling this house.

Who said anything about selling it?

I'm unloading it

on the first sucker that make me an offer.

And then what are you gonna do?

Where are you gonna live then?

Oh, probably Nevada.

You know, I've been looking

at some prime ocean-front property.

Nevada isn't on the ocean.

It will be after the quake.

Now, come on with me, son. You'll have fun.

I'm not going to Nevada.

Okay, you got three days before Q-Day

to think about it.

That must be Mr. and Mrs. Sucker Johnson.

Now, listen,

don't try serving no gingerbread cookies

or nothing like that.

I'm gonna get 'em in here fast

and get 'em on outta here in case there's another tremor.

I'm not gonna have anything to do with this.

Then stay out. Mind your own business.

I can take care of this myself. I know how to handle...

Hello. We're the Johnsons from Kansas City.

Yes, the suckers... I mean, the Johnsons.

Come right in.

Come right in. I'll show you right over here.

Move, honey, move.

This is the kitchen over there.

This is the living room. This is 15 by 8.

It was built in 1921,

and then in 1965, we repainted the place...

and over here, see, I threw the carpets out,

all this furniture is original reproduction

of something famous.

Come on up here. I'll show you the rest of it.

- Right up here. - I'm not sure...

Move, honey, move. Do you hear that? Move!

Go all the way up there. Come on.

There you are. Now, look here.

This is the bedroom.

Second bedroom.

Sun room.

Bathroom. LAMONT: Hey!

Excuse me.

Linen closet on the left.

Clothes closet on the right.

Storage room.

Utility room.

Back to the living room.

Hurry, move down there, folks.

Back to the living room.

Hey, you gonna take it?

Well, I think I'd like to see it first.

I've seen enough, Mavis. It's perfect, Mr. Sanford.

I can relocate my junk business here

with no problem at all.

Good, good.

Leonard, are you crazy?

This place looks an earthquake hit it.

Shut up, lady.

Now, listen, I'll accept any reasonable offer.

Any reasonable offer.

Any way you wanna pay...

You can pay anything you want down.

It don't make no difference, see,

because... because see, the...

You can just... I'll change the price for you.

I'll be very flexible with the price.

You can move in anytime you get ready.

You can move right in there...

You can move right in.

What...? What was that?

Oh, that.

Well, see, that was the Watts subway.

You heard of the Watts line? That was it.

I didn't know Los Angeles had a subway.

Shh! Yes, but we're trying to keep it a secret,

because we don't want no overcrowding.

Now, I'll accept any reasonable offer.

Well, I'll give you $11,000.

I was thinking more like 22,

and I won't take a cent less than 22.

Come along, Mavis.

Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I lied. I lied. I'll accept.

I'll accept.

Now, here's the keys to the house, and...

Wait a minute, Leonard, this place is...

I don't know. I wish you'd reconsider.

This place is so ramshackle.

Why don't you take that shackle and ram it in your mouth?

Then it's all set.

I'll meet you tomorrow at the escrow office.

Now, may I call a cab?

Leonard, why don't we just take the subway?

Oh! Hey, that's...

That's a good idea, Leonard.

Why don't y'all take the subway,

right on out there.

Uh, where's the nearest subway station, Mr. Sanford?

Uh, just walk east.

And turn left in Philadelphia!

There, son, 270 smackeroos

from my once-in-a-lifetime

earthshaking eve-of-destruction sale.

Not bad, eh?

Not bad?

You sold all of our merchandise

for a third of what it's worth.

Change your mind, son. Come on to Las Vegas.

No.

Just for one day, then...

Then you could come back after the disaster,

when it's safe.

If it's safe.

Come back to what? The house is in escrow.

And it will be in the ocean.

The house won't even be ours in 10 days.

Come in.

Hold it right there.

I just had my rug cleaned. Get that mud off your feet.

Anything else?

Yeah. I just did my mirrors. Wipe that ugly off your face.

Why, you old beady-eyed fool!

Wait a minute.

You up!

You'd better watch yourself, Fred Sanford.

You've been sinning and transgressing all your life.

If the Lord wanna strike you down,

he'll find you,

even if he has to go to Las Vegas.

Well, he'd better not come to Las Vegas this weekend,

because Frank Sinatra's in town and all the rooms are filled.

You know, Pop, Aunt Esther's right, man.

When your time comes, it comes,

earthquake or no earthquake.

Oh, glory!

Like the Bible said,

"There's a time to live and a time to die,

a time to sow and a time to reap."

And a time to shut up and a time to creep out.

I'm shutting up, and I'm creeping out,

you old heathen.

Oh, glory! Oh, hallelujah.

Well, son, I'd better be going,

because I don't want to miss my bus.

Hey, Pop, can't I talk you out of it?

I think you're acting foolish.

If your mother and I had known we were gonna have a son

that didn't know the difference between careful and foolish,

we'd have been a little more careful

that foolish night 35 years ago.

Thank you, brother.

Five, come on, five!

Come on, five!

Doggone, lost again.

Gee, oh...

Stupid craps table.

Dumb roulette wheel.

Twenty-one!

That's 23.

Whoa!

Say, say, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You Merv Griffin, ain't you?

Yeah, yeah, I am. Could you hold my racket?

Hey, listen, you Merv Griffin,

you the one got that TV show

that's been on a long time?

Yeah.

Well, if you Merv Griffin,

look like you'd have enough money

to get a pair of pants

that go all the way down to the floor.

Are you kidding? I'm a sportsman.

These are my tennis shorts.

Well, I'm a sportsman too.

Yeah.

Well, look. Hold this.

Here's my polo... Polo shirt. Yeah?

You wanna see my jockey shorts?

I don't wanna see your jockey shorts.

Are you some kind of nut?

What do you mean, "nut"? I used to like you...

Dummy.

Hey, honey, wait a minute. Wait.

What is it? I mean, it's just a fountain.

Throw a coin in there.

What for?

That's Caesar's lucky wishing pond.

Boy, I can use some luck.

Hey, wait a minute. Just a second.

- Aren't you Stu, St... - Ed...

Steve and Eydie?

I'm just Steve. She's Eydie.

Yeah, I'm Fred G. Sanford. I'm in antiques.

Yeah, I see,

and you really look good in them.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Listen, if you're ever in Los Angeles,

feel free... to call on me.

Thanks, but I'd rather use a phone.

Uh... Well, nice to see you, Freddie.

Uh-huh.

Bye. Come on, darling.

Did you hear that, Elizabeth?

Eydie called me Stev... Freddie.

Fr... eh...

Hey, wait a minute, buddy. I got 25 cents in there.

Now, back out of the way, man.

I got 25... Oh!

Look at that. That's my jackpot.

That's my jackpot there.

I had twen... I had...

Well, maybe you need the money.

All right, all right!

Hello?

Oh, yeah, operator, I'll accept the charges.

Hi, Pop.

Lamont, I've been trying to reach you all night.

I was out on a date. I just came in.

Yeah, I was worried about you.

How's the damage?

What damage?

There was no damage, Pop.

The earthquake didn't happen, man.

The time is up. You can come home now.

Lamont, are you sure

the house is still standing?

I'm positive, Pop.

And you weren't killed?

No, I wasn't killed.

Y-you're not just saying that

to make me feel bad, are you?

Would you stop it?

Now, get on a bus and come home.

I can't.

I don't have no fare. I lost all my money.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Pop.

You took all the money we had to Vegas.

I know, I know, I know.

Okay. Bye, son.

Bye.

I got no money to even try to get my money back.

I need a stake. A nickel or a dime.

I got nothing.

A nickel, a dime, a quart... Quarter!

I know where I can get a quarter,

and it's my own money.

Hey, you bum.

Get outta there before you go to jail.

I lost my money. I'm going to jail.

Oh, Elizabeth...

I'm coming to join you, honey.

I'll be the one that's wet.

I need this money.

♪ Nobody knows you ♪

♪ When you're down and out ♪

♪ In my pocket Not one penny ♪

♪ And my friends I haven't any ♪

♪ But if I ever Get on my feet again ♪

♪ Then I'll meet My long-lost friend ♪

♪ It's mighty strange Without a doubt ♪

♪ Nobody knows you When you're down and out ♪

♪ I mean When you're down and out ♪♪

You bigot!

Lamont, Lamont.

Hey.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

You look like you've been in an accident.

Worse.

What could be worse

than being in an accident?

Being on a chicken truck.

I hate to say I told you so, Pop,

but it's your own fault.

No, it's not. It's the Russians' fault.

They promised us something and didn't deliver.

We should sue 'em.

For what?

Failure to deliver the quiver.

Why don't you just forget about it, Pop,

and chalk it up to experience,

and the next time, don't believe everything you read.

Yeah, some experience.

I sold all my merchandise for less than I paid for it,

then I lost all my money in Las Vegas,

then I went to jail and dried out...

You were drunk?

No, no, no.

There was three coins in the fountain,

and I jumped in and got mine out of it.

And then I sold my house... I unsold it.

Huh? You what?

While you were gone, I called up the Johnsons

and I told them why you wanted to sell,

and they said if we didn't give them their money back,

they were gonna sue us for misrepresentation.

It seems that there's a law in this state

against what you did.

Yeah, the old...

"Calling an Earthquake a Subway" law.

I hope you learned something from all of this.

I did learn something, son,

and I'm sorry that I said that you was crazy

and that you was a dummy...

Because when you called those Johnsons back,

and got our house back, that was smart...

Why didn't you unload this turkey

like I told you?

I told you!

Oh, no, son.

Help!

Oh!

Listen, why don't you call them Johnsons back,

and I'll sell them the house for $1000.

Call them yourself.

Where are you going?

Las Vegas!