Original subtitles

I'm in love with you, Sando. Way to kill the vibe, Kevin.

I'll never, ever forgive myself for what I did

and I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart,

that I'm so, so sorry, Susie.

Thank you. Your apology means a lot to me.

I just want to be good at something, you know?

Follow my dreams, like you.

Nicky's therapy is really helping me.

Oh, my God.

I'm guessing that Susie doesn't know.

You're not gonna tell her. We could do a deal.

All in favour of Sando leaving?

All those in favour of Sando staying?

You will lower your prices more than ever before.

I will lower my prices

more than ever before.

Oh!

Do 'em a deal, Mum!

Let's go, Sando!

Six-seater dining suite,

coffee table, console table,

chest of drawers, TV unit and bar,

plus laser disc player.

How much would you expect to pay?

A million bucks!

(LAUGHTER)

Let's go, Sando!

Not $799! Not $699!

Just $599 for the lot!

And I'll throw in an ergonomic chair free.

Mum's in a trance - buy up big while you've got the chance

at Sando's Hypno Sale!

Sando's Warehouse!

New stores in:

Shh! Do 'em a deal!

Let's go, Sando!

Who ate all the cereal and put the empty box back?

Who used all the hot water?

Who stole my car keys?

And the car that goes with those keys?

Mum, I made toast.

Took me a whole loaf to get it almost but not quite burnt,

just the way you like it.

Oh, I already ate. You eat it, darling.

OK.

God, what a morning! First of all, the hot water ran out.

Luckily I'd already washed my hair.

Then I started eating my cereal, it had all these sultanas in,

so I had to chuck the whole thing in the bin.

Then I went down to the cafe and Gary's car ran out of petrol,

so I bloody had to walk home!

What?!

Now I've gotta call the boss.

Has anyone seen my new sunglasses? Is this them?

Uh-huh.

Right. Vicky?

Mm?

Do you want to take it from here?

Me? You are the one who voted for her to stay, remember? Not me.

Things have to change, Vicky. Yeah, like she's ever gonna change.

Good talk, Dad.

There are a lot of happy washer-dryer combo buyers out there

who wouldn't want me to change.

Don't change, don't change.

They might, if they knew

you rooted their fiance on their washer-dryer combo.

Alright, sanctimonious Susie. How do you want me to change?

Therapy. With Nicky.

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

I thought you were serious for a sec.

So did I!

Therapy.

With her!

She scares the shit out of me.

Oh, I am. Dad's right.

This...has to change.

Otherwise you and I...

But that's up to you.

I just got fired again.

Just chuck me your phone, I'll do 'em a deal.

It's too late.

They said if I can't be at work on time to guard a watch shop,

then I don't respect time and I shouldn't be around watches.

Could you start by telling me what you want out of this session?

Yeah, sure.

Less of you talking and more of me reading

Five Foods that Aren't Just for Your Mouth.

Ooh! Calippos!

Uh, I am trained in several forms of holistic therapy,

laugh therapy, sound therapy and hypnotherapy.

Nicky, I used to train my sales staff,

so if anyone knows about psychological manipulation, it's me.

Do you like licorice straps?

I love them. Are they on the list?

No. But I made you think they were.

So, your little mind tricks aren't going to work on me.

(SIGHS) Oh, well, I guess Susie's right.

You're just not capable of being the mother she always wanted.

It's a shame.

Alright, Miss Nicky Di Napoli,

I have known you since you were 14 years of age.

Get out your hypno voodoo doll or whatever it is.

Just don't make me suck off a carrot

like I saw some poor woman do at the Rooty Hill RSL.

OK.

It was a...massive carrot!

Poor woman. Her whole family's down the...

Don't make me do that. Deal?

When I count backwards from three, you will no longer be selfish.

You will be generous,

perhaps replacing broken items recently borrowed.

You will be helpful to others around the house and the world at large,

in three, two, one...

(RINGS GONG)

Well, how do you feel?

Generous and...helpful...

..to the household and the world at large.

Well, it won't work if you don't try.

Nicky, I've been trying to sit still for 20 minutes.

I've probably got deep vein thrombosis now.

Let's try another approach, huh?

See... Nicky? Nicky!

Why do you think I have sold

so many swivel recliners with matching footstools?

Because people love me...

..just the way I am.

Nobody wants me to go changing. Except for your daughter.

Well, maybe you should try hypnotherapising her instead.

Never mind.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING) Knock, knock.

Oh, Kevin! Sorry, the door was open.

I've got nits.

Don't worry. I've already done his treatment.

They're from school. Winning!

Eric?!

Sorry to dump him here. He really wanted to see Eric for some reason.

I've also been baking a lot.

Right.

I had some left over.

There you go. Thanks.

Oh! Darling...

This is, um... Kevin.

I'm Gary.

So good to...finally meet you, Gary.

Yeah.

You've definitely got a type.

Those treats are for everyone, by the way. I made them myself.

Well...

I'd better get back to it.

She's starting up her own business. What sort of business?

Just, uh...online stuff.

What, sex toys?

BOTH: No! No. (LAUGHS)

It's just...you seem reluctant to say, so I figured...

It's just, um, logical stuff.

Computer shopping. Data. Maths.

Logistical supply chain management.

Coordinating products from vendors to customers.

Call centres, transportation, warehousing.

Oh, yes. Yes, you'd be using stimulation software.

Fantastic minimisation of resources.

Exactly.

And thank you.

Yeah. I'm in IT, so if you need any support, I'm your man.

I mean...not your man.

He's your man.

You know... (CLEARS THROAT)

Feel free to...hire me, any time.

Strictly professional, obviously.

Yeah. Um, thanks.

Yeah.

After all, there are 10 types of people in this world -

those who understand binary and those who don't.

(BOTH LAUGH)

That's...that's only two types.

Yeah.

Anyway... OK, well, uh, I'd better skedaddle.

So great to see you.

Gary.

I was, uh, worried about meeting you, but...

Wow.

I needn't have been.

OK, bye. OK.

Your ex is baking you cookies now?

Oh, they're for everyone. Yeah, I bet they're disgusting.

Kevin!

SONG: That's right

Oh...yeah...

You drive a 1970 E-type Jag? Oh, yeah.

A client couldn't pay me, so he gave me this instead.

Said it's worth a bit. Only about 200K.

Really? Wow.

That's way more than he owed me.

Listen, Kevin, about you giving gifts to my wife...

Oh, the cookies? They were meant for the whole house.

Really? Mm.

Love hearts?

OK, they were meant for Vic Junior's teacher,

but then we both agreed that would be harassment, so...

Right.

But still... No, you're right.

I just wanted to thank Susie for...

..you know, forgiving me and not hating me.

But it was inappropriate and...I'm sorry.

It'll never happen again. OK, good.

Hey, let me make it up to you.

Why don't you jump in, take this baby for a spin?

Ah...I can't.

Ah, come on! Get in.

She's wasted on me.

I'm hopeless without power steering and park assist.

Come on. Jump in.

No. Yes.

Sorry.

You'll love it. I'm busy.

No, you're not. I'm out of work.

Perfect. But Susie...

She won't know. I haven't had a shower.

Get in there. I tend to drink and drive.

Hashtag YOLO. I've got a rash.

Me too. Really?

Yeah. It's huge.

La-la-la... OK.

Yeah?

Kevin was just here, dropping off Vic Junior.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Was that awkward? Well...

Yeah...

I will make sure that that doesn't happen again.

What's that? Cup of tea.

What's it for? For you.

Why? That's a good question.

I was making one for myself and it seemed like the right thing to do.

Since when have you got a sense of what's right and wrong?

Well, that's a bit insensitive, Susie.

Since when have you been sensitive?

Well, that's a good question.

Maybe I'm coming down with something.

Look.

What is she doing?

Housework.

She just started doing that after she brought me a cup of tea.

Maybe she's actually had a stroke this time.

I did hypnotherapy on her.

She actually did a session? Yes.

It was like the hardest session I've had to do

since convincing Eric the tooth fairy wasn't a real girl, but...

..maybe this one worked. No chance.

Sando doesn't know how to be anything other than Sando.

ERIC: I am! VIC JUNIOR: No, I am!

Get off me! You get off me!

How can I get off you? You're the one who's got me in a headlock!

Get over it, you loser!

What on earth is going on in here? Vic!

I hope you're sharing the good cushions with Eric.

You know the round ones don't stand up properly.

How's poor Eric supposed to make a fort with them?

It's not a fort. It's a cockpit. And I'm the pilot.

I want to be the pilot.

You can't be the pilot, you're a kid.

I'm a grown-up, like real pilots are.

Real cockpits aren't made of cushions.

Real pilots don't have nits. Do too!

Vic, he's right.

Real pilots don't have nits and Eric would make an excellent pilot.

I would?

Of course.

You can do anything you set your mind to, mate.

Except perhaps retail.

Really? Yeah, really?

Really.

I believe in you, son.

What the fuck just happened?

Oh! Excuse me! Language!

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Oh, yeah...

That was incredible. Thank you.

No, thank YOU. You're an amazing driver.

Yeah.

Sorry again about the cookies.

No, I possibly overreacted.

You know, I'm glad Susie's with you.

She's a great girl. She deserves the best.

Thanks, Kevin.

Seeing how happy you two are, I just...

..you know, I get just a teensy bit jealous.

Not gonna lie to you, brother.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. We're happy.

Sometimes I feel like I do everything, but I love her to bits.

Oh... She can be hard work, can't she?

Sometimes. You found that?

No.

Man, it's really tough to, uh...

..to make new friends when you've got kids and work.

So, I'm glad we can be mates.

He wants to be mates with you?

Kevin's actually a really nice guy when you get to know him.

Oh... I DID get to know him.

And so did my mum. And now YOU want to be his best friend?

Well, not BEST friend.

You can't be buddies with my ex.

But you said you'd forgiven him. I did, yeah.

But he drives an E-type Jag. An E-type!

I don't care if he drives the Popemobile,

I am not comfortable with you and Kevin hanging out.

OK, fine. I'll tell him I'm not allowed to see him anymore.

Thank you.

What's this? Ooh, chocolate!

"Get some rest, tomorrow's a big day."

Why is tomorrow a big day?

Oh! Morning, guys.

What the hell is going on?!

What better way to herald a new and wondrous day

than with the sounds of the Aussie bush.

(KOOKABURRA LAUGHS ON RECORDING)

I just wanted to make sure

that you weren't late for work today, Gazmataz.

That's very thoughtful. Thoughtful?!

You don't have that job anymore, Gary, BECAUSE of Sando! Or ANY job.

And, Sando, can you please get out of our room?!

Oh! Fresh coffee and croissants!

(SIGHS)

Oh, good. Everyone else was woken up by that hideous racket too.

I kind of liked it.

Yeah, waking up like that makes me feel like I can climb mountains.

Waking up early has many benefits.

Increased productivity, better diet, reduced stress.

Alright, settle down, Pete Evans. Hands up who had a cold shower.

Well, I bet there's no milk for my...

Hmm. Well, that's way too much milk.

We'll never get through it before it goes off.

She made pancakes too?

(SIGHS) Sweet gluten.

She even did a big shop. You can hardly move in there.

Not that you'd need to move. I mean, it's for food storage, so...

Alright, Dad, we get it. Mum's a bloody angel, all of a sudden.

Now, now. Don't get up him. You're right.

This is all your fault.

My fault? Isn't this what YOU wanted?

A selfless mum? Yes...

Can't get more selfless than homemade pancakes with gluten.

But your sugar-free, salt-free, yeast fritters

are great too, hon.

Pancakes? No thanks.

Still digesting toast from yesterday.

Where are you going? Court?

Nope. I have an interview. For a job? Good on you, mate!

Better. For an aviation course.

I'm gonna be a pilot, just like I always wanted to when I was little.

You also wanted to be Dannii Minogue.

Well, it doesn't matter what you think, Susie,

because Mum believes in me, so I believe in me.

And nothing's gonna stop me.

I have the need -

the need...for speed.

See you, losers.

Uh... Yeah, hang on, mate.

Hang on, mate.

There you go. Thanks, Dad.

Wow! Wow, indeed.

This is so romantic. It's so romantic.

Thank you. Thank YOU.

Why do I feel like I'm speaking to a parrot.

Why does that arouse me?

Didn't you leave this invitation on my bed?

Didn't you leave this invitation on MY bed?

Sando. She booked us a couples massage?

It's really nice and...weird.

Well, nobody's home.

And like it says on the invitation,

maybe we do deserve a little bit of professional pampering.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Mm!

It's the masseuse.

Just a second.

SANDO: Alright. Who's first?

What the hell?!

Alright, down you go.

Couple massage. Learnt how to do this in Hawaii.

Furniture conference, '97.

Help me!

(RHYTHMIC KNOCKING)

Gazza! Too soon for nicknames?

If not, can I be the Kevinator?

I'm glad you're here. I have something to tell you.

And please don't interrupt. Shoot.

I think... Sorry. I'm interrupting.

My bad. You go, buddy.

It's been really fun hanging out...

Oh, mate, no need to thank me. I have had a ball.

You know, I feel...I feel so alive.

We can't keep doing it.

What?

We can't...

..see each other anymore.

But I thought we were mates. We...we were.

It's just...

It's kind of weird for Susie.

You used to be her fiance, and now she's my wife.

Susie's told you not to see me, has she?

Well, you have to make a choice now, buddy. Susie or me.

Obviously that's Susie.

I'm really sorry, Kevin.

Goodbye.

(DOOR CREAKS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Kevinator... You really need to move on...

I'm here for dinner. Sando invited me.

I'd already said yes before you broke my heart a second ago.

And the name's Kevin, Gary.

(CLEARS THROAT) Three hours? I'm so sorry.

You kids can have these in front of the telly.

Special treat.

Yay! Yum! Let's watch Embarrassing Bodies.

ERIC: Oh, hot dogs!

Come on, Eric. You're having grown-up food.

Plus, I want to hear all about how your pilot's exam went.

I reckon I smashed it.

Finished heaps earlier than the others,

and I drew tiny aeroplanes on the test so they know how serious I am.

Of course you did. Just think.

One day, you will have hundreds of lives in the palm of your hand.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, but am I the only one who thinks having Kevin at the table

is a little bit inappropriate? What?

No offence, Kevin. None taken.

I just thought because Susie had forgiven him,

and Gary and Kevin are new best friends, that, you know...

(STIFLES LAUGHTER)

Let's not make this weird, Kevin.

Oh, great. Now I'm weird. I didn't say that.

But I'm hard work. Just like Susie, hey?

Excuse me? Yep. That's how Gary described you.

I was surprised. You were never like that with me.

Mate...

I think you've said enough.

Oh, no. No, no. Please do go on, Kevin.

What else did Gary say about me?

You know, that it feels like

he has to do the lion's share of the work around here.

Isn't that right, Gary? Yeah, but it's... It's more...

And that he feels like he can't make his own friends or his own life,

and feels like he's married into a cult.

Oh! No, no, no, hang on.

I did not say that.

Who's the leader of the cult? Am I the leader?

Yeah, sometimes he wonders if he'd opened up

that surf-shop-slash-pet-store up in Cairns instead of marrying you

he wouldn't feel so unfulfilled.

That sounds amazing.

I hope I get to fly to Cairns.

Unfulfilled?

I told you that in confidence, Kevin.

Oh, really?

I think he's talking about the surf pet shop.

That's actually a really great idea.

Nobody's stealing that idea because it's ludicrous.

"Oh, I'm gonna go and wax my board

while I pick up half a dozen Shih tzu puppies while I'm there,"

said nobody, ever.

Thank you for dinner, Sando. Oh, you're welcome, darl.

I'll pick Vic up in the morning.

I'm no good to him like this.

His nit wash.

Oh! Kevin! See that?

Pilot reflexes.

Oh, I'm...so sorry, everyone.

That was just awful. It's all my fault.

What were you thinking?

Well, I was trying to do something nice.

To bring us all together, like a family.

ALL: Well, don't!

Aww!

Nicky?

You need to put her back the way she was...now.

Can I just...finish my...pumpkin?

What? A pilot can't risk getting accidentally hypnotised.

When I count backwards from three, you will be selfish and thoughtless.

Don't forget rude. With a filthy mouth.

Unbearable. Car thief.

The best mum ever. OK, guys, it's not a Christmas list.

Sando, you will go back to your old self in three, two, one...

(RINGS GONG)

How do you feel, Mum?

It's me, Eric. Your son, and future pilot.

Nice going.

(SIGHS) No milk.

Yes, my car keys are gone!

Oh, morning, everyone. Morning, Nicky.

Sleep well? Yes.

Uh, thank you. I slept very well, thank you, Don.

Oh, except there's no hot water.

Hey, there's heaps of space in the pantry again.

Settle down.

(PIERCING SCREAM)

Rian?

VIC JUNIOR: Awesome! Are we moving?

No, Vic Junior.

I decided to give it all away

when I realised it was just material possessions.

Yeah, my material possessions.

It's about selflessness, Don.

Things don't matter, only love does.

Can we all just hold hands?

Come on, in a circle, just for a sec.

Come on. Don...

Don, come here, just for a second.

Don't be such a fusspot! Here, hold hands.

OK, I've got something I want to tell you.

You're pregnant? Again?

Hmm? Uh-uh.

I've put the house up for sale.

You what? But it's our house.

Yes, but it's just a thing.

And the proceeds are gonna go to Bangladeshi orphans

who I have just learned make some of Sando Warehouse's furniture.

This is a joke, right? Where are we gonna sleep?

Well, I, myself, am downsizing to a tiny house in Wyong,

and you are all more than welcome to move in with me,

as long as you don't mind any extraneous luxuries like a toilet.

It's more of a pit. Does Wyong have an airport?

I could fly up on weekends? Nicky, what the hell? She's worse.

OK, I may have only watched

4 of the 10 instructional YouTube videos on hypnotherapy.

Let us give thanks to Mother Earth.

Thank you for the bounty... Nicky, can you do something?

Do something! Uh, OK.

Vicky! Hey, Vicky!

Selflessness. Vicky, snap out of it!

(RINGS GONG)

Let me be free from my possessions.

Let us give away those things that do not matter.

It's not working! She's in too deep.

OK, Mum. Mum, stop it. Stop it! Come back. Mum, please come back!

We want to the old Sando back!

Aha! (LAUGHS)

I knew it.

You thought you wanted that Sando, but you need this Sando,

a straight-up, honest, pain in the bum.

Nicky, what's going on? Uh, I fixed her. Yay!

What's going on is your hypno crap didn't work.

I was faking it. Fake it till you make it.

I always say that.

Doesn't really apply here, but...

You need me the way I am

'cause I make you feel better about yourselves.

I allow you to bitch and focus your anger

and, like it or not, I bring you lot closer together.

And there endeth the lesson.

Thank God! I'm exhausted.

I could do with a drink.

(PHONE CHIMES AND BUZZES)

My exam results are in!

I didn't even see you study.

I didn't. I just believed in myself, like Mum said.

Wait, should I have studied?

(PHONE BEEPS) Oh, f...

SONG: Highway to

The danger zone.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0