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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,559 [birds chirping] 4 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:36,170 [serene music] 5 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:15,603 Tillie: I wasn't looking forward to this party. 6 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,339 Or meeting Pete Seltzer. 7 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,907 But when you've reached my age 8 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,610 and your friends are beginning to worry about you, 9 00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,313 blind dates are a way of life. 10 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:28,249 [indistinct chatter] 11 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,462 [doorbell ringing] 12 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:42,496 Hi, Till. 13 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:43,797 - Hey. - Hi, Tillie. 14 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,433 You see you've got a lot of attention. 15 00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:46,834 - Tillie! - Oh, hey, Bert. 16 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,902 Well, you look great, baby, just great. 17 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,339 Oh, thank you, I have a magic comb. 18 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,841 I'll tell you what, uh, mingle for about 15 minutes 19 00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,344 then slip upstairs to my bedroom, I'll be waiting. 20 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,779 Is Bert serious, or is he just trying to be a good host? 21 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,781 Well, either way you're going to be disappointed. 22 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:01,982 How would a wife know? 23 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,251 How indeed. 24 00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,586 Mnh-mnh. 25 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,887 Brava. 26 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,261 Ah-ha-ha. There he is. 27 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,995 Come on. 28 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,898 - Hi, Tillie. - Hey, Trident. 29 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,500 He's gruff. 30 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,969 But he has a heart of gold. 31 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,371 [laughing] 32 00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:25,973 Pete Seltzer. 33 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,941 - This is Tillie Shlain. - Hi. 34 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,810 I'm gonna make a great effort to rise. 35 00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,345 No, please, don't get up. 36 00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,413 Oh, she's darling. 37 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:33,914 But as I'm in need of a refill 38 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:35,483 what can I get you, Ms. Shlain? 39 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,550 Tillie. 40 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:37,685 What can I get you, Tillie? 41 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,919 Tillie doesn't drink. 42 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,554 That's such a noble statement. 43 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:41,955 I wish you'd let me make it myself. 44 00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,624 I'll get you some more of that. 45 00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,826 Now you sit down and chat. 46 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,797 As long as Tillie isn't having anything 47 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,399 I'll have a double, Gert. 48 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:52,800 [Gertrude laughing] 49 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,840 Gertrude says chat, I guess we chat, right? 50 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:00,874 Right. 51 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,851 - Where were you born? - Why? 52 00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:11,985 No particular reason. 53 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,021 Asking a person where they hail from 54 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,457 comes under the heading of chat, right? 55 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,791 Right. 56 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,628 I hail from San Jose. 57 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,464 I have to be honest with you 58 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,898 that isn't much of a hail. 59 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:25,633 No. 60 00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:28,436 Next time you're asked, say, oh, 61 00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,938 "Windyanapolis." 62 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,441 - Alright. - Pete, booze. 63 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:36,944 [Gertrude chuckling] 64 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,512 Incidentally do you always keep 65 00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,748 your arms folded across your chest? 66 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,882 Gertrude: Here's your Scotch. 67 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,617 I got you Coke, and drink up, 68 00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,386 the food is almost ready. 69 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,321 Things are going beautifully, Gertrude. 70 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,689 We're madly in love. 71 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,658 [Gertrude laughing] 72 00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,064 - Gertrude, my dear. - Oh, Father, you did drop. 73 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,700 Oh, damn! 74 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,803 There's Gert and her priest again. 75 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,972 Oh, God, one of those. 76 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,708 [laughter] 77 00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,443 - Good evening, Father. - How are you, Father? 78 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,346 I think you know almost everyone here, Mr. Ford. 79 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:15,048 I see Ed Ford every day in a week except Sundays. 80 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,584 Sit down, Ed. 81 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,018 And what about Pete Seltzer here? 82 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,788 - Pete, Father Keating. - I don't believe we've met. 83 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,023 - How do you do, Mr. Seltzer? - Hi. 84 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,658 I didn't know you were asking, Father Keating. 85 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:27,060 I demand equal time for my rabbi. 86 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,462 Come on, Pete, 87 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,063 you have one Jewish grandmother. 88 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,932 You're three-fourth Lutheran. 89 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,935 Why do you keep insisting that you're Jewish? 90 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,037 'Cause I'm a social climber. 91 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,939 [laughter] 92 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,609 Well, I don't think I'll bother with any more introductions. 93 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:45,413 Father Keating knows how informal we are here. 94 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,148 - Your usual, Father? - Thank you. 95 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:51,385 Gertrude, you don't know how much I enjoy your parties. 96 00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:53,521 You know what I gave up to come here tonight? 97 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,088 Bingo at the church. 98 00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,425 Incidentally, Father, is it true what I hear 99 00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,027 that the Bingo games at the church are fixed? 100 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,796 Oh, well, I don't know exactly what you mean by fixed? 101 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,165 I hear you let converts win, is that true? 102 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,768 [laughter] Pay him no mind, Father. 103 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:08,969 No, it's not true. 104 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:12,440 But it's a marvelous idea, thank you. 105 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:13,741 [laughter] 106 00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:23,651 World, world, world, world. 107 00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,853 [cheering] 108 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,006 - The game over? - No. 109 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:48,075 But having Father Keating act out 110 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,478 God's in His heaven, all's right with the world 111 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:53,747 seemed to me a little too much like ass kissing. 112 00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,450 Besides I don't think all's right with the world, do you? 113 00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:58,586 Um, not lately. 114 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,120 Why does the clergy think they always 115 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,889 have to play the good sport? 116 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,190 Oh, please, don't interrupt. 117 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,759 I'm pretending to be an animal lover. 118 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,161 Hey, don't look so sad. 119 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,798 You'd look sad too if you were just spayed. 120 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:13,000 Oh, no, why'd they do that? 121 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,668 Actually, I think it was her husband 122 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:15,903 that Gertrude wanted altered 123 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,471 but the vet made a mistake. 124 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,641 Mes enfants, we need your help. 125 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,909 We've had it with charades. 126 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,645 We are about to embark on the great adventure. 127 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,580 We are going to trap Gertrude 128 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,516 into revealing her age. 129 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,851 Why do you have to trap her? Why don't you just ask her? 130 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,053 Nobody knows how old Gertrude is. 131 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:35,122 Not even Bert, her husband. 132 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,190 [chuckling] Gertrude tells her age? 133 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,459 She won't even tell us how old her dog is. 134 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,796 Now, here's our plan. 135 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,865 We'll just be sitting around casually 136 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,200 and Heldon Pritcher will bring up John Kennedy. 137 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,702 "Isn't he marvelous looking?" 138 00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,003 "Isn't he a marvelous president?" 139 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:53,073 Et cetera, et cetera, and then, Tillie... 140 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,509 That is your name, isn't it? 141 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:58,546 But you just ask a casual question like, 142 00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:02,516 um, um, "Who was the first president you ever voted for?" 143 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:03,551 And several people will 144 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,985 volunteer information. 145 00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:05,986 And then it will be Gertrude's turn-- 146 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,054 It won't work. 147 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,088 That presidential ploy 148 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,057 was tried on Gertrude years ago 149 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,859 under Harry Truman, I think. 150 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,828 You'll have to do better than that. 151 00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:16,697 Alright. 152 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,832 Have you any ideas? 153 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,935 Me? I couldn't care less how old Gertie is. 154 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,937 How can you not care? 155 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,574 Oh, such a big liberal. 156 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,108 Such a big progressive. 157 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,943 When it comes to something really important 158 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,613 like Gertrude's age, won't lift a finger. 159 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,015 [sighs] 160 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,184 There are few burdens in life harder to bear 161 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,020 than the irritation of a good example. 162 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,323 That was rather good. 163 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,926 "The irritation of a good example." 164 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,861 Would've been even better had he bothered 165 00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:50,163 to give Mark Twain credit for it. 166 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,865 Don't you know about Jimmy Twitchell? 167 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,601 He's a cultural Robin Hood. 168 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:56,870 He steals from the witty, and gives to the dull. 169 00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,939 Well, that's not so bad either. 170 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:10,017 I'm 33, in case you're wondering. 171 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,085 I figured somewhere in that neighborhood. 172 00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,921 [dogs barking] 173 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,862 Listen to them, I guess they 174 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,698 haven't heard about her operation. 175 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:27,935 I imagine they're just calling a spade a spade. 176 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,840 You have possibilities. 177 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,241 Thank you. 178 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,744 After 12:00 179 00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,912 we turn the clocks back tonight, don't we? 180 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,247 Yes, we do. 181 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,050 That's such a good idea, turning our clocks back. 182 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,218 It gives us an extra hour of insomnia. 183 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,888 Go on home, dogs. 184 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,389 Shall we go? 185 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,057 Oh, I have a car. 186 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,892 Thanks just the same though. 187 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,060 But I don't. 188 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:56,797 - Don't what? - Don't have a car. 189 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,732 You want me to drop you? 190 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,300 No, no, no, I'll take you home, 191 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,935 and I can get a cab from there 192 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,171 or a cable car or something. 193 00:10:04,204 --> 00:10:06,239 After all, I'm your escort. 194 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,378 [indistinct chatter] 195 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,799 [tires screeching] 196 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,266 Attendant: Thank you. 197 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,111 You drive very well. 198 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,746 Thank you. 199 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,985 Gertrude says you work for an insurance company. 200 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,821 Secretary. 201 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,391 I think you're wondering how can she afford a car 202 00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:01,161 in San Francisco on a secretary's salary? 203 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:05,265 Well, it isn't much of a salary, 204 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,135 but this isn't much of a car. 205 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,770 Oh, I see. 206 00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,273 What kind of work do you do, Pete? 207 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,008 Motivational research. 208 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,278 We send canvassers out to discover what the people think. 209 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:20,814 - Think about what? - Products mostly. 210 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,816 What they're looking for in the way of an automatic 211 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,284 contaminator or, uh, 212 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:27,320 an aftershave mint, things like that. 213 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,156 Fascinating products. 214 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,490 Anything else? 215 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,192 Well, we've just completed a survey 216 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,894 for a dietetic shampoo 217 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:37,330 and are now helping to launch a reversible mayonnaise. 218 00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,033 Lovely. 219 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,301 Say, maybe you could help us out. 220 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,903 There's a new men's cologne 221 00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:43,904 coming out on the market. 222 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,305 They're looking for a name. 223 00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:47,240 I suggested "Armpit." 224 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,913 Did they go for it? 225 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:54,281 No. 226 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:57,785 And that, in case you're wondering, is why I have no car. 227 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,862 I don't believe it, a parking space 228 00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,363 right in front of the house. 229 00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,835 [tires screeching] 230 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:19,039 You can get a cab a couple of blocks from here. 231 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,073 Couple of blocks? 232 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,408 What's the matter? 233 00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,345 Aren't you well? 234 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,447 I woke up this morning with a touch of something, 235 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,082 and I don't know what it is. 236 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,851 Headache, upset stomach. 237 00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,020 But I was determined to keep this date... 238 00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,855 [mumbling] 239 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,291 No fever, I can come in. 240 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,829 [sighs] 241 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,530 What's the sigh for? 242 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,299 General world conditions. 243 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:48,368 [chuckles] 244 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:58,378 [cars honking] 245 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,971 What do you think? 246 00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:27,240 I think, uh, you're a fine figure of a woman. 247 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,508 I wasn't asking about me. 248 00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,410 I was asking about the apartment. 249 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:33,446 Oh. Oh, it needs a man's touch. 250 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:37,550 Tillie: Incidentally for future reference 251 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,220 no woman who fancies she has a good figure 252 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,489 likes to hear she's a fine figure of a woman. 253 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,557 The two aren't the same at all. 254 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,629 What can I get you? 255 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,298 What have you got? 256 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,166 Tillie: Well, I suppose there's some Scotch, 257 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,235 or I could mix a martini 258 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,137 or I could make some tea 259 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,072 with cheese and crackers. 260 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,008 Whichever is the most trouble. 261 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,377 Scotch with water or soda? 262 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,146 Tea is too good for you. 263 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,314 Water. 264 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,950 Good, I don't have any soda. 265 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,468 I like this painting. 266 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:31,204 Tillie: I can guess which one. 267 00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:32,973 Do you know what I would call it? 268 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,474 Tillie: I'm afraid to ask. 269 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,209 Overdeveloped girl 270 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,045 from underdeveloped country. 271 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,517 Thank you. 272 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:47,988 Mm-hmm. 273 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,691 What are you trying to do? Ply me with water? 274 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:54,061 Pour in a little more Scotch, s'il vous plait. 275 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,263 I don't have any more Scotch. 276 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,532 La mere. 277 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,535 No photo of father. 278 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,371 He wasn't around long enough 279 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,273 to have his picture taken. 280 00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,508 He disappeared 20 years ago. 281 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,310 And mother alive and well, I hope? 282 00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,512 She's still looking for father. 283 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,114 Says she'd leave him in a minute 284 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:16,016 if she could locate him. 285 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,987 You intend to look like your mother? 286 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,621 I'll take what comes. 287 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,290 Good girl. 288 00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,524 And speaking of breasts 289 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,526 you wanna know something about yourself? 290 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:27,995 Don't wear a girdle. 291 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,596 I mean, give the rear bumpers a chance. 292 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,131 I mean, you haven't got that much 293 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,133 that you need to go around with it in a sling. 294 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,467 Let it breathe. 295 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,669 Same thing with the upstairs. 296 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,538 You're the kind of woman who could go without 297 00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:41,141 a bra altogether, let alone folding your arms 298 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,043 on top of it like an Indian. 299 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,278 With sweaters and even the right dress 300 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:48,248 let the merchandise gallop a little. 301 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,549 When father was still around 302 00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:52,052 mother said she sometimes crossed the street 303 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,320 just to avoid him. 304 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:54,587 Or she'd flop into a closet 305 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,589 as he passed her in the hall. 306 00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,992 You won't have to go that far. 307 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,296 What are my chances of being 308 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,364 mugged on the way to a cab? 309 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,099 Bright. 310 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,267 Could I phone for one? 311 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,336 No, that would take all night. 312 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:13,040 Would you like me to walk you to the corner? 313 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,642 No, thanks, I'll take my chances. 314 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,056 Thank you. 315 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,695 Thanks for the water, 316 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,064 and the Scotch. 317 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,331 Siente. 318 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,600 "To thine own self be true." 319 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:43,670 That's a quotation from Lawrence Welk. 320 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:52,612 [door closes] 321 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,201 Gertrude: Did he ask for your phone number? 322 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:16,503 I'm not at all sure I want him to call. 323 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:18,338 [Gertrude laughing] 324 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,506 Well, what do you think of a man 325 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,074 first time he meets a girl he says, 326 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,110 "Give up the girdle, forget the bra?" 327 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:25,512 [chuckling] 328 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,748 Well, there is a touch of vulgarity in Pete. 329 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:31,118 Go a step further, call it crude. 330 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,585 Well, Pete Seltzer has 331 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,354 more redeeming qualities 332 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,190 than any man I know. [chuckles] 333 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,725 Should a man need that many? 334 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,629 You know, there was a technique 335 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,298 used by a girl I know years ago. 336 00:17:45,332 --> 00:17:46,599 Very interesting. 337 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,801 Man didn't call her, so she called him. 338 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,138 Gertrude, I'm not calling Pete Seltzer. 339 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,406 - Or any other man. - Please, let me finish. 340 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,176 She calls this man, and she said, 341 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,510 "After you left last night" 342 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,546 "I found a gold cigarette lighter." 343 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,148 Now, she didn't know such thing, of course. 344 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,817 "It's from Dunhill's. Is it yours by any chance?" 345 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,156 - Well? - Well. 346 00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,458 Since there was no lighter in the first place 347 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,593 he said, "No, it isn't mine." 348 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,762 "I wish I could afford a Dunhill." 349 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,530 "Thank you just the same." 350 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:18,665 Well, what did that accomplish? 351 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,301 Well, for one thing, dummy, 352 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:22,569 it established the fact 353 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:25,738 that she was seeing a Dunhill kind of man. 354 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,508 It reopened the lines of communication. 355 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,877 He couldn't just hang up. 356 00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,846 Then he said before he knew what he was saying, 357 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,315 "What are you doing Friday night?" 358 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:36,549 And et voila. 359 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,652 [sighs] 360 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,558 - Call Pete. - Don't be silly. 361 00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:46,626 Just because it worked for you. 362 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,861 Oh, must be after 2:00. 363 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,863 Yes, it is, he's in his office. 364 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,932 You go call him. You know the number? 365 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,403 Look it up. Supreme Survey Incorporated. 366 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,870 Go ahead. 367 00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,639 Gertrude. 368 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:03,243 I am not that entranced by Pete Seltzer. 369 00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:04,477 Tillie, 370 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,646 there are phones in the powder room. 371 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:18,425 I didn't even notice if he smokes or not. 372 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,294 [instrumental music] 373 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,279 [indistinct chatter] 374 00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:08,775 Uh, what happened, for God's sake? 375 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,710 He's coming over tonight. 376 00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,745 Good, then it worked. 377 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:14,714 Why do you look so furious? 378 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,783 Why do I look so furious? 379 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,518 Because I said to him, "After you left" 380 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,353 "I found a gold Dunhill lighter." 381 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,854 "Is it yours by any chance?" 382 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:23,323 And that son of a bitch says, 383 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,458 "Yes, I'll drop by tonight to pick it up." 384 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:26,893 "Thanks a lot." 385 00:20:28,595 --> 00:20:30,363 Thank you a lot. 386 00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,817 [intercom buzzing] 387 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,753 [intercom buzzing] 388 00:20:56,723 --> 00:20:58,458 Hello. 389 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:00,727 May Allah smile upon you. 390 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,529 I tried to call you at home, 391 00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:03,530 but you're not in the book. 392 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:04,731 I have an unlisted number. 393 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,733 I hate myself for it. 394 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,401 Well, I wanted to save you a trip. 395 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:09,536 I looked at the lighter again, 396 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:10,803 and there were initials on it. 397 00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:13,005 - And they weren't mine. - Yes, how did you know? 398 00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:15,942 I suddenly remembered that I don't smoke. 399 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:17,744 Well, why didn't you phone me? 400 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:20,547 I never call girls whose numbers are listed. 401 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:22,682 I hate myself for that too. 402 00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:24,517 Besides, I thought you might 403 00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,018 rustle me up some dinner. 404 00:21:26,052 --> 00:21:29,356 Oh, I don't think I have enough food for two. 405 00:21:30,757 --> 00:21:32,359 I could run down to the market. 406 00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:35,061 Don't bother. Do you like Greek food? 407 00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,596 Not particularly. 408 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:37,897 Good, there's a place down the street 409 00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:40,333 guaranteed not to make you change your opinion. 410 00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:41,501 We can walk. 411 00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:43,803 I'll go get my coat. 412 00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:03,590 Pete: No, actually it could be any part of the city. 413 00:22:03,623 --> 00:22:05,458 Yesterday I was assigned Palo Alto, 414 00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:07,927 day before Berkeley. 415 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,529 We don't wanna run into the same people 416 00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:11,398 asking the same questions. 417 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:12,732 Where were you today? 418 00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:14,801 At the office, all day. 419 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,503 Big conference, new account. 420 00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:18,971 Would you believe missionaries 421 00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:21,974 testing slogans for fundraising? 422 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,511 Of course, my suggestion was turned down. 423 00:22:24,544 --> 00:22:25,878 I thought it was rather good. 424 00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:28,014 Take a cannibal to lunch. 425 00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:31,384 Vice versa would be even better. 426 00:22:34,153 --> 00:22:36,556 If you're trying to top me, you're gonna find yourself 427 00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:37,824 paying for the dinner. 428 00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:39,559 And it's every bit as indifferent 429 00:22:39,592 --> 00:22:41,661 as you said it would be. 430 00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:43,763 Why would we come here? 431 00:22:43,796 --> 00:22:46,433 Do you see that tiny man in the aisle there? 432 00:22:47,467 --> 00:22:49,569 That's Mr. Drogaris. 433 00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,037 He owns the joint. 434 00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:54,006 You notice anything strange about him? 435 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,777 Just that he's obviously wearing elevator shoes. 436 00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:58,978 Is that it? 437 00:22:59,011 --> 00:23:00,046 Exactly. 438 00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:03,583 And it gives me an opportunity to say to my dates 439 00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:06,385 beware of Greeks wearing lifts. 440 00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:09,789 I hope you won't say that to me. 441 00:23:09,822 --> 00:23:11,123 I won't. 442 00:23:13,926 --> 00:23:16,162 You, uh, like Chinese food? 443 00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:18,998 And you know a place 444 00:23:19,031 --> 00:23:21,834 with pretty mediocre Chinese food, 445 00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:23,470 but there's somebody there 446 00:23:23,503 --> 00:23:25,905 or something that gives you a chance 447 00:23:25,938 --> 00:23:28,508 to get off what you consider a bomoh. 448 00:23:29,776 --> 00:23:31,711 Right. 449 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:34,080 How, um... What's today? 450 00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:35,515 Tuesday. 451 00:23:35,548 --> 00:23:36,783 How about Thursday? 452 00:23:36,816 --> 00:23:38,651 Uh, busy Thursday. 453 00:23:38,685 --> 00:23:40,119 Friday? 454 00:23:40,953 --> 00:23:42,522 Friday fine. 455 00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:46,192 Mr. Drogaris? 456 00:23:48,495 --> 00:23:50,830 Pete: Um, thank you. Thank you. 457 00:23:52,565 --> 00:23:55,902 One of the most disappointing evenings in years. 458 00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:57,804 Something I said? 459 00:23:58,838 --> 00:24:00,740 Something I didn't say? 460 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:03,242 The only reason we came here is because of Chang. 461 00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,078 He's my favorite waiter in the whole world. 462 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,780 Every time he spills a plate of food 463 00:24:07,814 --> 00:24:09,482 or a bowl of soup all over you 464 00:24:09,516 --> 00:24:11,183 his look of oriental resignation 465 00:24:11,217 --> 00:24:12,919 is simply not to be missed. 466 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:14,587 I mean, it's a classic. 467 00:24:14,621 --> 00:24:15,788 And tonight of all nights 468 00:24:15,822 --> 00:24:18,057 he doesn't spill anything. 469 00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:19,626 Chang, you're a disgrace 470 00:24:19,659 --> 00:24:21,828 to Madame Lee's Hanging Gardens. 471 00:24:22,995 --> 00:24:24,797 One thing puzzles me. 472 00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:28,535 This place is called, it says here, "Little P. King." 473 00:24:28,568 --> 00:24:29,669 Why do you keep calling it 474 00:24:29,702 --> 00:24:32,605 "Madame Lee's Hanging Gardens?" 475 00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:35,842 Where, for heaven's sake, are the hanging gardens? 476 00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,477 On Madame Lee, of course. 477 00:24:44,717 --> 00:24:46,586 Pay the check. 478 00:24:48,555 --> 00:24:51,090 Well, I suppose you can look at it at two ways. 479 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:52,825 I could say, "Well, it's only been a week," 480 00:24:52,859 --> 00:24:54,193 or "For God's sake," 481 00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:57,530 "the whole week and he hasn't called." 482 00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,198 Now I don't know whether I'm sorry or not. 483 00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:01,300 Sometimes I think he's fun. 484 00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:02,902 Then most other times I think-- [intercom buzzing] 485 00:25:02,935 --> 00:25:05,938 Oh, hang on, Gert, the buzzer. 486 00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:13,546 - Yes? - Pete: Millard Fillmore. 487 00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:15,615 Oh. [buzzing] 488 00:25:16,749 --> 00:25:19,218 Gert, he has ESP or something. 489 00:25:19,251 --> 00:25:20,920 Guess who just rang the buzzer? 490 00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:22,555 Right. 491 00:25:22,589 --> 00:25:24,190 No, I'm more surprised than happy. 492 00:25:24,223 --> 00:25:27,126 I'll-- I'll call you in the morning. Best to Bert, bye-bye. 493 00:25:27,159 --> 00:25:29,829 - Hi. - Well, come in. 494 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:32,164 - How are you? - Fine. 495 00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:35,668 You were-- were just passing by 496 00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:36,969 and saw a light in the window. 497 00:25:37,003 --> 00:25:38,571 You're line's been busy for an hour. 498 00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:41,207 - Oh, I was talking to Gertrude. - I know, I called her. 499 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,710 Her line's busy too. Have you had dinner? 500 00:25:43,743 --> 00:25:45,678 - Yes. - Good. 501 00:25:52,084 --> 00:25:55,021 - What'd you have in mind? - Oh... 502 00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:58,224 Movie and then a certain hamburger joint 503 00:25:58,257 --> 00:26:01,894 that late at night takes on a character all its own. 504 00:26:01,928 --> 00:26:03,896 Would you like a drink first? 505 00:26:03,930 --> 00:26:06,633 Oh, you've stocked up on liquor. 506 00:26:06,666 --> 00:26:09,636 Well, I wouldn't exactly call one bottle of Scotch 507 00:26:09,669 --> 00:26:12,238 and one bottle of vodka stocking up. 508 00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:15,942 No, thanks, I'll-- I'll have a beer with the burger later. 509 00:26:17,944 --> 00:26:21,781 - Any particular movie? - Just so it isn't a Western. 510 00:26:21,814 --> 00:26:24,116 Tillie: I couldn't agree more. 511 00:26:48,274 --> 00:26:50,977 - Hi, Bing. - Hi, Pete. 512 00:26:51,010 --> 00:26:53,379 [overhead music] 513 00:27:04,891 --> 00:27:07,226 - Well. - Well, what? 514 00:27:07,259 --> 00:27:09,161 Where is this character all its own 515 00:27:09,195 --> 00:27:11,097 that takes on late at night? 516 00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:13,666 Look around you, what do you see? 517 00:27:23,142 --> 00:27:25,745 Another hamburger joint. What do you see? 518 00:27:25,778 --> 00:27:27,814 Look at all the couples at all the tables. 519 00:27:27,847 --> 00:27:30,349 Look at the way they're all huddled together. 520 00:27:30,382 --> 00:27:32,719 Isn't it plain as day they've all come here 521 00:27:32,752 --> 00:27:34,420 straight from the sack? 522 00:27:36,222 --> 00:27:38,190 It's this way every night, 523 00:27:38,224 --> 00:27:40,092 and it's what makes my suggestion 524 00:27:40,126 --> 00:27:42,428 to Bing over there so brilliant. 525 00:27:44,864 --> 00:27:47,399 Aren't you gonna ask me what the brilliant suggestion is? 526 00:27:47,433 --> 00:27:49,268 You'll tell me. 527 00:27:49,301 --> 00:27:53,873 I've been after Bing to put up a big new neon sign, 528 00:27:53,906 --> 00:27:56,175 "After Bangs, Bing's." 529 00:27:56,208 --> 00:27:57,944 I'll have the hamburger with cheese 530 00:27:57,977 --> 00:27:59,779 and a sliced tomato. 531 00:28:05,918 --> 00:28:07,854 [instrumental music] 532 00:28:16,062 --> 00:28:19,698 How about coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? 533 00:28:20,967 --> 00:28:22,368 Alright. 534 00:28:28,908 --> 00:28:31,844 [Pete whistling] 535 00:28:36,248 --> 00:28:38,317 Such as it is. 536 00:28:43,122 --> 00:28:47,359 I can only repeat to you what you said about my apartment, 537 00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:49,328 "Needs a man's touch." 538 00:28:49,361 --> 00:28:51,197 Oh, that? A predecessor of yours. 539 00:28:51,230 --> 00:28:53,199 [laughing] 540 00:28:53,232 --> 00:28:55,367 I'll take your coat. 541 00:28:57,970 --> 00:29:00,206 Think I'll whip us up a little antifreeze. 542 00:29:00,239 --> 00:29:02,174 Oh, milk for me, please. 543 00:29:02,208 --> 00:29:05,945 - You had milk at Bing's. - I'm an addict. 544 00:29:05,978 --> 00:29:09,248 Did you know that the American Indians never drank milk? 545 00:29:10,116 --> 00:29:12,985 Never had any cows either. 546 00:29:13,019 --> 00:29:15,287 I'll just give you that. 547 00:29:15,321 --> 00:29:17,089 [plays single note] 548 00:29:17,123 --> 00:29:19,158 Piano's out of tune. 549 00:29:19,191 --> 00:29:21,861 And it's gonna stay that way, thank you. 550 00:29:22,528 --> 00:29:24,296 Cheers. 551 00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:31,437 [sighs] 552 00:29:38,277 --> 00:29:39,912 How tall are you? 553 00:29:39,946 --> 00:29:43,315 Five-six, five-seven. Why? 554 00:29:43,349 --> 00:29:46,552 Well, I just read some magazine some place 555 00:29:46,585 --> 00:29:49,989 about a woman nearly seven feet tall. 556 00:29:50,022 --> 00:29:51,223 What about her? 557 00:29:51,257 --> 00:29:52,925 Well, naturally, she didn't like being 558 00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:55,561 nearly seven feet tall, so she had an operation. 559 00:29:55,594 --> 00:29:58,197 Sections of bone were removed from both legs 560 00:29:58,230 --> 00:30:01,433 about six inches or so, making her, 561 00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:04,270 reasonably normal height. 562 00:30:05,037 --> 00:30:06,438 I'm glad for her. 563 00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:08,507 Well, she was happy, the surgeons were happy, 564 00:30:08,540 --> 00:30:10,142 but they forget one thing. 565 00:30:10,176 --> 00:30:11,310 When she got up out of bed, 566 00:30:11,343 --> 00:30:13,980 her arms hung down to her knees. 567 00:30:19,185 --> 00:30:22,054 That's some story to tell a girl on her bridal night. 568 00:30:22,088 --> 00:30:24,190 [laughing] 569 00:30:32,131 --> 00:30:33,866 You like ragtime? 570 00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:36,468 I'm not quite sure I know what it is. 571 00:30:39,338 --> 00:30:42,441 [piano music] 572 00:31:02,528 --> 00:31:04,063 Excuse me for a few minutes. 573 00:31:04,096 --> 00:31:06,498 There's more milk in the fridge if you want it. 574 00:31:42,268 --> 00:31:44,003 Pete: Tillie. 575 00:31:46,272 --> 00:31:49,008 Ms. Shlain, if you please. 576 00:32:15,667 --> 00:32:18,704 Would you like me to turn out the lights? 577 00:32:33,119 --> 00:32:35,554 You care to check your dress? 578 00:32:35,587 --> 00:32:36,989 Oh. 579 00:33:04,616 --> 00:33:07,553 - Allow me. - Thank you. 580 00:33:25,337 --> 00:33:27,439 [chuckles] Tsk. 581 00:33:27,473 --> 00:33:29,475 What's the matter? 582 00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:32,444 Oh, I'm sorry, but it's terrible of me. 583 00:33:34,213 --> 00:33:35,714 But I have a feeling like 584 00:33:35,747 --> 00:33:38,684 like I'm being stripped for surgery. 585 00:33:40,219 --> 00:33:42,121 Well, why don't you look at it this way? 586 00:33:42,154 --> 00:33:44,590 Your silks are dropping 587 00:33:44,623 --> 00:33:47,059 like flags in surrender. 588 00:33:49,261 --> 00:33:51,563 That's so much better. 589 00:34:44,183 --> 00:34:45,584 [kissing] 590 00:35:02,901 --> 00:35:06,605 Pete: You know, I think you're a very nice-looking girl. 591 00:35:06,638 --> 00:35:09,708 - Tillie: Oh, come on. - Pete: No, really. 592 00:35:09,741 --> 00:35:12,511 Pete: Well, you're better looking than I am. 593 00:35:13,879 --> 00:35:15,247 Tillie: Just. 594 00:35:17,483 --> 00:35:19,485 [instrumental music] 595 00:35:24,623 --> 00:35:26,358 I made a small bet with myself 596 00:35:26,392 --> 00:35:29,861 that her arms would be folded across her breasts. 597 00:35:31,363 --> 00:35:32,531 Sorry. 598 00:35:32,564 --> 00:35:35,301 Sorry, is that all you have to say? 599 00:35:35,334 --> 00:35:36,702 No. 600 00:35:39,371 --> 00:35:43,575 If a while back I committed the gaucherie of saying 601 00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:47,413 I felt like I was being stripped for surgery, 602 00:35:47,446 --> 00:35:51,783 I would now like to add the operation was a success. 603 00:35:53,252 --> 00:35:54,686 Thank you. 604 00:35:59,325 --> 00:36:01,193 I'm still hungry. 605 00:36:01,227 --> 00:36:03,562 There's some salami and stuff in the fridge. 606 00:36:03,595 --> 00:36:05,197 I think I'll whip... 607 00:36:05,231 --> 00:36:08,667 - What? - Nothing. 608 00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:10,602 It's just that... 609 00:36:10,636 --> 00:36:12,938 Well, I was brought up on sex manuals, 610 00:36:12,971 --> 00:36:16,942 and they say that one is supposed to linger 611 00:36:16,975 --> 00:36:21,380 with soft endearments in what they call the afterglow. 612 00:36:21,413 --> 00:36:23,282 [instrumental music] 613 00:36:25,817 --> 00:36:29,555 I just didn't think the first move was to the kitchen. 614 00:36:30,922 --> 00:36:33,292 - Endearments, eh? - Yeah. 615 00:36:40,499 --> 00:36:41,800 Very well. 616 00:36:41,833 --> 00:36:43,669 - Sweetheart. - Hmm. 617 00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:46,238 What would you like with your salami? 618 00:36:46,272 --> 00:36:48,240 Beer, tea, or milk? 619 00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:50,342 - Milk. - Right. 620 00:37:15,567 --> 00:37:18,770 You beat me by 14 pins. 621 00:37:18,804 --> 00:37:22,674 If you're not careful, you may sleep alone tonight. 622 00:37:22,708 --> 00:37:25,344 [Pete and Tillie laughing] 623 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,622 [moaning] 624 00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:44,029 [metals clanking] 625 00:37:49,368 --> 00:37:51,603 Oh, did I tell you that I was saving so much a week? 626 00:37:51,637 --> 00:37:53,772 - For a car of my own? - No. 627 00:37:53,805 --> 00:37:56,442 So you can buy the tickets tonight. 628 00:37:57,609 --> 00:37:59,945 One adult and one child. 629 00:38:01,413 --> 00:38:04,350 [piano music] 630 00:38:20,732 --> 00:38:22,033 Hey! 631 00:38:22,067 --> 00:38:25,737 Get yourself a new song or a new girl. 632 00:38:43,755 --> 00:38:45,924 [music continues] 633 00:39:07,045 --> 00:39:10,048 - What's that? - Hair pins. 634 00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:13,351 - I don't use them. - Neither do I. 635 00:39:15,454 --> 00:39:17,689 You have a cleaning lady come in, don't you? 636 00:39:17,723 --> 00:39:18,857 Once a week. 637 00:39:19,925 --> 00:39:22,060 Well, tell her to tidy herself up 638 00:39:22,093 --> 00:39:25,130 and not to shed her hair pins all over the place. 639 00:39:25,163 --> 00:39:26,865 Right. 640 00:39:28,934 --> 00:39:30,869 - What's her name? - Who? 641 00:39:30,902 --> 00:39:32,103 The cleaning lady. 642 00:39:32,137 --> 00:39:35,407 Would I ask a cleaning lady her name? 643 00:39:37,509 --> 00:39:38,877 Right. 644 00:39:39,945 --> 00:39:43,014 [music continues] 645 00:39:45,984 --> 00:39:48,520 [instrumental music] 646 00:39:56,728 --> 00:39:59,164 I have news for you, Sister Tillie. 647 00:39:59,197 --> 00:40:02,100 You've changed your mind about scrambled eggs. 648 00:40:02,133 --> 00:40:04,135 No, I've been kicked upstairs. 649 00:40:04,169 --> 00:40:06,037 No longer do I have to spend my days 650 00:40:06,071 --> 00:40:08,507 on the streets button holding strangers 651 00:40:08,540 --> 00:40:10,776 asking them if they think "Shove It" is a good name 652 00:40:10,809 --> 00:40:12,644 for a new sanitary napkin. 653 00:40:12,678 --> 00:40:14,212 - No? - No. 654 00:40:14,245 --> 00:40:16,615 Now I can spend my days in an air-conditioned office 655 00:40:16,648 --> 00:40:19,150 collating and organizing data collected by others. 656 00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:21,620 In other words, I'm an executive. 657 00:40:21,653 --> 00:40:24,990 Well, I take it this promotion includes a raise. 658 00:40:25,023 --> 00:40:26,525 And I'm already spending it. 659 00:40:26,558 --> 00:40:28,193 Have my eye on a new Buick, 660 00:40:28,226 --> 00:40:30,496 or if that's still a little too rich for my blood, 661 00:40:30,529 --> 00:40:32,731 maybe a Chevy. 662 00:40:32,764 --> 00:40:35,233 When did you find out about all this? 663 00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:36,167 Last night. 664 00:40:36,201 --> 00:40:39,471 Well, why'd you wait till now to tell me? 665 00:40:39,505 --> 00:40:41,507 Because I wanted to make sure that you went to bed 666 00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:44,910 with me for myself alone, and not my money. 667 00:40:45,944 --> 00:40:48,146 Oh, I see. 668 00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:51,216 I wonder how much a new convertible would cost me? 669 00:40:53,284 --> 00:40:56,488 That depends on what they'll allow us on mine. 670 00:41:04,830 --> 00:41:06,732 The honeymoon's over. 671 00:41:06,765 --> 00:41:08,867 It's time to get married. 672 00:41:08,900 --> 00:41:11,970 [horn blaring] 673 00:41:19,044 --> 00:41:21,146 [instrumental music] 674 00:41:23,181 --> 00:41:24,750 Pete. 675 00:41:24,783 --> 00:41:27,719 It's 2 o'clock in the morning, and we've already-- 676 00:41:27,753 --> 00:41:29,187 Listen to me, my girl. 677 00:41:29,220 --> 00:41:31,990 Let me tell you my theory about sex and marriage. 678 00:41:32,023 --> 00:41:34,526 It's like a medicine. 679 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,962 Three times a day for the first week, 680 00:41:36,995 --> 00:41:39,831 then once a day for another week, 681 00:41:39,865 --> 00:41:43,068 and then once every three or four days 682 00:41:43,101 --> 00:41:46,104 until the condition has cleared up. 683 00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:47,105 Oh. 684 00:41:47,138 --> 00:41:50,241 [instrumental music] 685 00:42:16,668 --> 00:42:18,269 [yawns] 686 00:42:19,070 --> 00:42:21,607 Nine months to the day. 687 00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,675 It's so embarrassing. 688 00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,779 Me an incubator baby, 689 00:42:27,813 --> 00:42:30,248 I don't understand it. 690 00:42:30,281 --> 00:42:33,218 Seems we've spawned a giant. 691 00:42:33,251 --> 00:42:36,788 - Did you speak to the doctor? - Uh-huh. 692 00:42:36,822 --> 00:42:42,060 He's ten and a quarter pounds and twenty-one inches long. 693 00:42:43,261 --> 00:42:46,732 Well, if I've said it once 694 00:42:46,765 --> 00:42:48,900 I've said it a thousand times, 695 00:42:48,934 --> 00:42:52,170 you only get out of something what you put into it. 696 00:42:52,203 --> 00:42:53,304 [laughs] 697 00:42:54,205 --> 00:42:55,306 ["Cocktails For Two" playing] 698 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:58,910 * In some secluded rendezvous 699 00:42:58,944 --> 00:43:00,345 * Whoopee 700 00:43:00,378 --> 00:43:02,013 * That overlooks the avenue 701 00:43:02,047 --> 00:43:03,381 [horn bellowing] 702 00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:06,652 * With someone sharing a delightful chat * 703 00:43:06,685 --> 00:43:07,919 * Of this and that 704 00:43:07,953 --> 00:43:09,855 * And cocktails for two 705 00:43:09,888 --> 00:43:13,024 * As we enjoy a cigarette 706 00:43:13,058 --> 00:43:16,094 * To some exquisite chansonnette * 707 00:43:16,127 --> 00:43:18,096 * Two hands are sure to slyly meet beneath * 708 00:43:18,129 --> 00:43:19,898 - Pete. - Yes. 709 00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:23,001 He's only 18 months old, for God's sake. 710 00:43:23,034 --> 00:43:24,269 - So? - So... 711 00:43:24,302 --> 00:43:26,204 Should he be subjected to those sounds? 712 00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:28,073 My dear, it's never too early to learn 713 00:43:28,106 --> 00:43:30,241 to appreciate good music. 714 00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:33,712 Oh, he's not gonna like this. 715 00:43:35,046 --> 00:43:37,015 [baby crying] 716 00:43:37,048 --> 00:43:39,050 You see? I told you. 717 00:43:47,993 --> 00:43:50,328 Alright, alright. 718 00:43:51,462 --> 00:43:53,398 [music resumes] 719 00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,936 Pete, Pete. 720 00:43:57,969 --> 00:44:01,239 Come on. Pete. 721 00:44:01,272 --> 00:44:02,440 [laughing] Stop it! 722 00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:04,342 [screaming] 723 00:44:27,833 --> 00:44:31,102 No, Mrs. Seltzer, Mr. Seltzer isn't back yet. 724 00:44:31,136 --> 00:44:32,704 He must've left rather late. 725 00:44:32,738 --> 00:44:35,673 No, I think it was about 12:00 or 12:15. 726 00:44:38,276 --> 00:44:40,812 Well, I'll wait a few minutes. 727 00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:17,816 I'm going to catch the 3:30 ferry. 728 00:45:17,849 --> 00:45:19,985 Would you tell Mr. Seltzer? 729 00:45:20,018 --> 00:45:21,887 - Certainly. - Thank you. 730 00:45:26,792 --> 00:45:28,794 [indistinct chatter] 731 00:45:30,996 --> 00:45:32,263 [indistinct chatter] 732 00:45:45,944 --> 00:45:48,880 [piano music] 733 00:46:23,248 --> 00:46:24,816 How'd you like it, Pete? 734 00:46:24,850 --> 00:46:27,018 The minute you play that better than I do, 735 00:46:27,052 --> 00:46:30,255 and I can hear that, that day is not too far off 736 00:46:30,288 --> 00:46:32,891 you pack your bags and leave. [chuckles] 737 00:46:34,125 --> 00:46:36,094 Robbie, it's time for your bath. 738 00:46:36,127 --> 00:46:38,563 Not yet, not for ten more minutes. 739 00:46:38,596 --> 00:46:42,333 Better ten minutes early than ten minutes late. 740 00:46:42,367 --> 00:46:45,871 Oh, come on, Mom. Pete. 741 00:46:45,904 --> 00:46:47,405 Your mother is the highest court 742 00:46:47,438 --> 00:46:50,375 in the land, there is no appeal. 743 00:46:50,408 --> 00:46:51,843 - Put up your dukes. - Dad, what are you doing? 744 00:46:51,877 --> 00:46:54,846 Come on, jab, jab, jab. Through the right. 745 00:46:54,880 --> 00:46:56,181 [groaning] 746 00:46:58,316 --> 00:47:00,585 Tillie: Robbie, I'll be up in a minute. 747 00:47:09,961 --> 00:47:13,865 He's not a piano player, he's not a boxer. What is he? 748 00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:21,472 Any particular reason you wanted Robbie out of the way? 749 00:47:21,506 --> 00:47:25,443 Yes, this, uh, questionnaire from St. Andrew's School. 750 00:47:25,476 --> 00:47:29,447 - What about it? - Parents religious affiliation. 751 00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:31,549 I put down Congregationalists for me. 752 00:47:31,582 --> 00:47:34,185 - What do I do about you? - Put down headhunter. 753 00:47:34,219 --> 00:47:36,187 I think that's a religion, isn't it? 754 00:47:36,221 --> 00:47:38,990 Come on, Pete, what do I put down? 755 00:47:39,024 --> 00:47:41,259 You're Lutheran and Jewish. 756 00:47:41,292 --> 00:47:44,029 How about "Jewtheran?" 757 00:47:44,062 --> 00:47:46,131 Won't that confuse them? 758 00:47:46,164 --> 00:47:48,333 I sincerely hope so. 759 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,969 Sorry I missed you today. 760 00:47:51,002 --> 00:47:53,972 You should call beforehand, so I'll know. 761 00:47:54,005 --> 00:47:57,108 Ms. Templeton said that you were in town shopping, 762 00:47:57,142 --> 00:47:58,977 which I hope means you haven't made anything for dinner. 763 00:47:59,010 --> 00:48:01,346 Is it too late for a sitter? We can go out. 764 00:48:02,147 --> 00:48:03,514 I left around 3:00. 765 00:48:03,548 --> 00:48:05,951 I saw you come in, or I think I did. 766 00:48:05,984 --> 00:48:08,519 I wasn't sure. 767 00:48:08,553 --> 00:48:10,388 Why the hell didn't you speak up? 768 00:48:10,421 --> 00:48:12,323 'Cause I had to get home. 769 00:48:12,357 --> 00:48:15,360 Besides I couldn't be certain it was you. 770 00:48:16,494 --> 00:48:19,965 - How'd you like the package? - What? 771 00:48:19,998 --> 00:48:22,133 The girl I was with. Did you get a look at her? 772 00:48:22,167 --> 00:48:24,635 That's the one I was telling you about the other night 773 00:48:24,669 --> 00:48:25,937 or did I? 774 00:48:25,971 --> 00:48:27,973 Oh, the new girl. 775 00:48:28,006 --> 00:48:29,975 I believe you did say something about her. 776 00:48:30,008 --> 00:48:34,479 You're breaking her in as a canvasser or something. 777 00:48:34,512 --> 00:48:37,082 Yes, we're button holding people on the street 778 00:48:37,115 --> 00:48:39,650 these days getting their reaction to a new product. 779 00:48:39,684 --> 00:48:41,987 A fireproof pickle, I think it is. 780 00:48:42,020 --> 00:48:43,521 [chuckles] 781 00:48:46,324 --> 00:48:49,394 - Pity you don't drink. - Yes, a pity. 782 00:48:53,164 --> 00:48:54,532 Did you take her to lunch, Pete? 783 00:48:54,565 --> 00:48:57,502 You bet your sweet little bundle I did. 784 00:48:57,535 --> 00:48:59,504 And don't think your correspondent wouldn't like 785 00:48:59,537 --> 00:49:02,273 to parlay that into a little hard breathing. 786 00:49:02,307 --> 00:49:04,342 But you know me. The ole louse manque. 787 00:49:04,375 --> 00:49:05,710 Not to first base. 788 00:49:05,743 --> 00:49:08,713 Aren't you ashamed, such a schlep for a husband? 789 00:49:08,746 --> 00:49:10,681 I suppose it reflects on you, but... 790 00:49:10,715 --> 00:49:13,284 Well, so what else was by you? 791 00:49:13,318 --> 00:49:17,022 Were the walls perpendicular today? 792 00:49:17,055 --> 00:49:19,257 Oh, I'm fine, 793 00:49:19,290 --> 00:49:22,027 except for this premonition of disaster. 794 00:49:22,060 --> 00:49:24,029 Oh, now don't tell me 795 00:49:24,062 --> 00:49:27,165 it's extrasensory perception time 796 00:49:27,198 --> 00:49:28,299 in Dixie again. 797 00:49:28,333 --> 00:49:29,700 Let me take you out of all this. 798 00:49:29,734 --> 00:49:32,370 There's a new French restaurant in the Chinese Quarter. 799 00:49:32,403 --> 00:49:34,705 Robbie: Mom. 800 00:49:34,739 --> 00:49:36,374 Okay. 801 00:49:50,255 --> 00:49:52,357 [telephone ringing] 802 00:50:01,399 --> 00:50:02,533 Hello. 803 00:50:02,567 --> 00:50:04,535 - Lucy: Mrs. Seltzer. - Yes. 804 00:50:04,569 --> 00:50:06,771 Lucy: I'm afraid I'll have to introduce myself. 805 00:50:06,804 --> 00:50:10,541 I'm someone you don't know, but know of. 806 00:50:12,577 --> 00:50:15,646 - Oh. - Lucy: I'm Lucy Lund. 807 00:50:16,614 --> 00:50:18,683 Yes, I figured that. 808 00:50:18,716 --> 00:50:21,086 I called to ask whether you cared to sit down 809 00:50:21,119 --> 00:50:24,589 like two civilized people and talk the whole thing over. 810 00:50:24,622 --> 00:50:26,791 [instrumental music] 811 00:50:53,184 --> 00:50:55,486 You must be Mrs. Seltzer. 812 00:50:55,520 --> 00:50:57,455 Afraid I am. 813 00:51:03,394 --> 00:51:05,530 May I have a martini? 814 00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:08,633 You may have anything you want, 815 00:51:08,666 --> 00:51:10,301 including my husband. 816 00:51:10,335 --> 00:51:13,771 One can't be more civilized than that, can one? 817 00:51:13,804 --> 00:51:16,541 Um, a martini for my friend, 818 00:51:16,574 --> 00:51:18,743 and I'll have a ginger ale. 819 00:51:24,449 --> 00:51:27,152 My husband. 820 00:51:27,185 --> 00:51:29,654 What on earth do you see in him? 821 00:51:29,687 --> 00:51:34,392 Well, do I have to tell you all his good qualities? 822 00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:36,194 I'd love it if you would. 823 00:51:37,695 --> 00:51:41,199 To begin with, he's amusing, good natured, 824 00:51:41,232 --> 00:51:45,670 generous, kind, a blast in his way, and... 825 00:51:45,703 --> 00:51:47,572 [chuckles] Well... 826 00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:50,575 you must know this as well as I do, 827 00:51:50,608 --> 00:51:52,143 a pistol. 828 00:51:53,244 --> 00:51:54,779 A what? 829 00:51:54,812 --> 00:51:56,481 A pistol. 830 00:52:02,487 --> 00:52:06,624 Do you, uh, have an apartment in the city, Ms. Lund? 831 00:52:06,657 --> 00:52:10,628 Yes, uh, not far from the office, matter of fact. 832 00:52:11,929 --> 00:52:13,864 I don't mean to be cruel, Ms. Lund, 833 00:52:13,898 --> 00:52:17,568 but if all of us got together to talk things over, 834 00:52:17,602 --> 00:52:20,271 we'd have to rent a hall. 835 00:52:20,305 --> 00:52:23,608 I mean, you're just one of half a dozen or more. 836 00:52:23,641 --> 00:52:27,178 - Oh. - At least to my knowledge. 837 00:52:27,212 --> 00:52:29,480 Ms. Lund? 838 00:52:29,514 --> 00:52:32,950 My, uh, contact lens is in my martini. 839 00:52:32,983 --> 00:52:35,420 Oh, here. 840 00:52:35,453 --> 00:52:37,154 Thank you. Thank you. 841 00:52:45,396 --> 00:52:47,532 [instrumental music] 842 00:52:58,276 --> 00:53:00,211 Is everything alright? 843 00:53:00,245 --> 00:53:01,812 Mm-hmm. [chuckles] 844 00:53:03,614 --> 00:53:05,350 Where were we? 845 00:53:05,383 --> 00:53:10,388 Oh. What do you think, uh, is Peter's, uh, problem? 846 00:53:10,421 --> 00:53:12,257 [sighs] 847 00:53:12,290 --> 00:53:13,658 Well... 848 00:53:14,825 --> 00:53:18,529 he's not attractive to the opposite sex, 849 00:53:18,563 --> 00:53:22,333 so he's gotta make up for it by having so many of them, 850 00:53:22,367 --> 00:53:24,569 or he feels he has to. 851 00:53:24,602 --> 00:53:27,705 Well, men who are pistols, uh... 852 00:53:27,738 --> 00:53:30,408 are like that because they feel they have to be. 853 00:53:30,441 --> 00:53:33,878 They're afraid that, uh, at bottom they're not, 854 00:53:33,911 --> 00:53:36,714 and, uh, they have to keep proving over and over 855 00:53:36,747 --> 00:53:38,849 to themselves that they are. 856 00:53:39,917 --> 00:53:43,321 Beautifully put. Thank you. 857 00:53:44,755 --> 00:53:46,957 Would you care for another martini? 858 00:53:46,991 --> 00:53:48,626 No, thanks. 859 00:53:50,461 --> 00:53:54,299 Well, it's almost time to pick up my boy. 860 00:53:54,332 --> 00:53:56,301 Wait, um, Mrs. Seltzer, 861 00:53:56,334 --> 00:53:59,670 did you know he was like this before you married him? 862 00:54:01,005 --> 00:54:02,607 Certainly. 863 00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:04,275 Then why did you marry him? 864 00:54:04,309 --> 00:54:06,877 And why would you wanna stay married to him? 865 00:54:08,379 --> 00:54:10,415 Because he's a pistol. 866 00:54:21,659 --> 00:54:22,893 [sighs] 867 00:54:58,929 --> 00:55:00,665 Mmm. 868 00:55:23,554 --> 00:55:24,822 Oh, I thought it was you. 869 00:55:24,855 --> 00:55:27,825 Oh. I was just shopping. 870 00:55:27,858 --> 00:55:30,828 I bought bottles and bottles of vitamins. 871 00:55:30,861 --> 00:55:32,497 I don't happen to believe in vitamins, 872 00:55:32,530 --> 00:55:34,999 but there's a sale, and I happen to believe in sales. 873 00:55:35,032 --> 00:55:36,834 [chuckles] 874 00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:38,936 - How's Robbie? - Oh, we don't know. 875 00:55:38,969 --> 00:55:40,471 - He's still in bed. - Uh-huh. 876 00:55:40,505 --> 00:55:41,839 What does Dr. Willett say? 877 00:55:41,872 --> 00:55:43,974 Oh, not much, but he's giving him a lot of tests 878 00:55:44,008 --> 00:55:46,711 and then he's waiting to hear from the lab. 879 00:55:46,744 --> 00:55:49,146 I must say, he doesn't seem very sick. 880 00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,981 Pete says there's nothing wrong with him 881 00:55:51,015 --> 00:55:54,051 that a good injection of chicken soup wouldn't cure. 882 00:55:54,084 --> 00:55:55,686 [laughs] 883 00:55:55,720 --> 00:55:57,087 He says his Jewish grandmother 884 00:55:57,121 --> 00:55:59,757 cured every conceivable disease with chicken soup 885 00:55:59,790 --> 00:56:00,991 until she was arrested 886 00:56:01,025 --> 00:56:04,429 for practicing medicine without a license. 887 00:56:04,462 --> 00:56:05,996 Here's my car. 888 00:56:06,030 --> 00:56:07,832 I'd asked you about Gertrude, 889 00:56:07,865 --> 00:56:09,667 but I talk to her four or five times a day. 890 00:56:09,700 --> 00:56:11,502 Yeah, well, uh, last time I asked 891 00:56:11,536 --> 00:56:13,103 it was about six months ago, 892 00:56:13,137 --> 00:56:14,739 she was fine. 893 00:56:29,186 --> 00:56:31,121 I thought we'd talk a few minutes. 894 00:56:31,155 --> 00:56:34,759 - About what? - Oh, adultery, for one thing. 895 00:56:34,792 --> 00:56:36,994 Oh, anybody's in particular? 896 00:56:37,027 --> 00:56:39,664 Well, yours and mine, I was rather hoping. 897 00:56:39,697 --> 00:56:41,599 As you were passing by, 898 00:56:41,632 --> 00:56:43,868 you know, I just couldn't help noticing 899 00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:47,171 what smashing legs you have. 900 00:56:47,204 --> 00:56:50,941 Well, to the mother of a nine-year-old 901 00:56:50,975 --> 00:56:54,512 that is very flattering, thank you. 902 00:56:56,180 --> 00:56:59,750 But I don't think I'm quite ready. 903 00:56:59,784 --> 00:57:01,218 And when you are? 904 00:57:01,251 --> 00:57:03,621 You'll get every consideration. 905 00:57:03,654 --> 00:57:05,055 [clang] 906 00:57:08,192 --> 00:57:11,061 You know, if you're going to continue with this proposition, 907 00:57:11,095 --> 00:57:13,063 it'll cost you a dime. 908 00:57:14,799 --> 00:57:16,166 Not me. 909 00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:55,673 Have you had a good look at our garden lately? 910 00:57:55,706 --> 00:57:57,675 We're gonna have to do something about Vincent. 911 00:57:57,708 --> 00:57:59,209 Dr. Willett called. 912 00:58:00,277 --> 00:58:01,979 What'd he say? Did the test come back? 913 00:58:02,012 --> 00:58:04,515 - Yeah. - Well, what'd he say? 914 00:58:04,549 --> 00:58:06,283 He said he'd drop by for a drink on his way home, 915 00:58:06,316 --> 00:58:08,986 give us the report. Should be here any minute now. 916 00:58:09,887 --> 00:58:11,255 Well, why? 917 00:58:11,288 --> 00:58:13,223 Why didn't he give you the results over the telephone? 918 00:58:13,257 --> 00:58:14,725 Why is he coming over here to tell it? 919 00:58:14,759 --> 00:58:16,060 Oh, come on, Tillie. 920 00:58:16,093 --> 00:58:17,695 If you were married to Irene Willett, 921 00:58:17,728 --> 00:58:20,497 wouldn't you want a drink on your way home? 922 00:58:21,866 --> 00:58:23,701 Pete, I have the most awful feeling. 923 00:58:23,734 --> 00:58:25,169 Oh, stop it. 924 00:58:25,202 --> 00:58:27,872 What were you saying about, uh, the gardener? 925 00:58:29,139 --> 00:58:30,841 Oh, we're gonna have to let him go. 926 00:58:30,875 --> 00:58:33,811 Let him go? What are you talking about? He's got six kids. 927 00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:37,014 Apparently, those are the only seeds he can plant. 928 00:58:37,047 --> 00:58:39,550 [doorbell ringing] I'll get it. 929 00:58:43,087 --> 00:58:44,789 - Hi. - Hi, Pete. 930 00:58:44,822 --> 00:58:46,657 - Tillie. - Hello, doctor. 931 00:58:46,691 --> 00:58:47,958 Can I get you a drink? 932 00:58:47,992 --> 00:58:50,027 I don't think I'll have a drink. 933 00:58:50,060 --> 00:58:52,129 Thank you, Tillie. 934 00:58:52,162 --> 00:58:54,098 Is that a new picture? 935 00:58:55,766 --> 00:58:57,868 Doctor, what'd the lab say? 936 00:58:57,902 --> 00:59:00,537 I'm afraid it isn't very good news. 937 00:59:01,906 --> 00:59:03,908 In fact, it's... 938 00:59:04,775 --> 00:59:06,243 quite bad. 939 00:59:08,178 --> 00:59:09,980 Quite bad or very bad? 940 00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:15,019 Very bad, Pete. 941 00:59:39,910 --> 00:59:40,978 Doctor, what's... 942 00:59:41,011 --> 00:59:42,079 It's in the blood stream, 943 00:59:42,112 --> 00:59:44,048 definitely malignancy. 944 00:59:46,416 --> 00:59:48,085 Are you certain? 945 00:59:48,118 --> 00:59:50,320 Willett: We've checked and double checked. 946 00:59:50,354 --> 00:59:52,690 Can't tell you how sorry I am. 947 00:59:55,359 --> 00:59:59,163 Pete: How long does-- does he have? 948 00:59:59,196 --> 01:00:02,366 Willett: Oh, I'd say about a year, 949 01:00:02,399 --> 01:00:04,234 probably less. 950 01:00:06,003 --> 01:00:08,305 There'll be periods of remission. 951 01:00:08,338 --> 01:00:10,741 May be comparatively fine. 952 01:00:10,775 --> 01:00:13,210 He can even go to school. 953 01:00:13,243 --> 01:00:14,979 We'll do everything we can 954 01:00:15,012 --> 01:00:17,047 to make him as comfortable as possible. 955 01:00:18,348 --> 01:00:21,051 And at any time 956 01:00:21,085 --> 01:00:23,120 don't hesitate to call me. 957 01:00:23,153 --> 01:00:24,855 Any time at all. 958 01:00:24,889 --> 01:00:26,223 Alright. 959 01:01:38,162 --> 01:01:39,363 Shit. 960 01:01:41,465 --> 01:01:45,169 Absurd. The whole goddamn thing is a scandal. 961 01:01:45,202 --> 01:01:47,071 Robbie: Mom! 962 01:02:04,288 --> 01:02:06,223 Business as usual. 963 01:02:11,962 --> 01:02:14,398 [piano music] 964 01:02:18,869 --> 01:02:21,972 Well, how about dinner, Rob? We're pushing the veal roast. 965 01:02:22,006 --> 01:02:23,440 What'd the doctor say? 966 01:02:25,075 --> 01:02:26,944 Well, he says your blood is homogenized 967 01:02:26,977 --> 01:02:30,080 or something, on account of that attack of the flu. 968 01:02:30,114 --> 01:02:32,182 [piano music continues] 969 01:02:32,216 --> 01:02:34,451 You need building up, is the main thing 970 01:02:34,484 --> 01:02:37,354 'cause you're really rundown. 971 01:02:37,387 --> 01:02:39,990 Well, if you must know, it's something called 972 01:02:40,024 --> 01:02:43,493 "Postinfhienzal debility." 973 01:02:43,527 --> 01:02:46,463 It sounds like something Pete made up. 974 01:02:46,496 --> 01:02:48,165 The main thing is you'll be out of that bed 975 01:02:48,198 --> 01:02:49,566 inside of a week or so 976 01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:52,069 and then we can begin thinking about that trip. 977 01:02:52,102 --> 01:02:53,337 When is Pete's vacation? 978 01:02:53,370 --> 01:02:55,339 Oh, couple of weeks. 979 01:02:55,372 --> 01:02:57,241 Can be arranged as soon as you're well enough, 980 01:02:57,274 --> 01:02:59,143 and then the Sierras. 981 01:02:59,176 --> 01:03:01,946 How about that? [piano music] 982 01:03:06,851 --> 01:03:09,519 Pete never should've tried to expand his repertoire. 983 01:03:09,553 --> 01:03:13,090 We were all quite happy with "Piano Roll Blues," weren't we? 984 01:03:13,123 --> 01:03:15,425 [chuckles] 985 01:03:15,459 --> 01:03:17,862 Such great songs the kids are writing today 986 01:03:17,895 --> 01:03:19,196 and you father comes up 987 01:03:19,229 --> 01:03:21,932 with "Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight." 988 01:03:24,869 --> 01:03:28,272 Rob, how would you like to take guitar lessons? 989 01:03:28,305 --> 01:03:30,908 - All the kids today-- - May-- maybe later. 990 01:03:30,941 --> 01:03:32,476 But I wanna stick to the piano, 991 01:03:32,509 --> 01:03:33,944 so I can play in a cathouse 992 01:03:33,978 --> 01:03:35,545 like Pete always wanted to. 993 01:03:38,949 --> 01:03:40,417 What is a cathouse? 994 01:03:40,450 --> 01:03:43,553 You know, place like a saloon or something 995 01:03:43,587 --> 01:03:46,590 where they stay up to all hours and raise hell. 996 01:03:46,623 --> 01:03:49,326 Playing all those jazz instruments 997 01:03:49,359 --> 01:03:52,897 that made caterwauling noises like a cat, 998 01:03:52,930 --> 01:03:55,465 that's where the term comes from. 999 01:03:55,499 --> 01:03:57,501 But if that's the kind of ambition 1000 01:03:57,534 --> 01:03:59,503 your father inspires in his son 1001 01:03:59,536 --> 01:04:02,973 it's plain to see who needs the discipline around here. 1002 01:04:06,043 --> 01:04:08,078 Peter. 1003 01:04:08,112 --> 01:04:12,883 Peter, would you step into the principal's office, please? 1004 01:04:19,323 --> 01:04:22,359 [crickets chirping] 1005 01:04:27,664 --> 01:04:29,633 [car approaching] 1006 01:04:40,677 --> 01:04:42,479 What's going on? 1007 01:04:45,215 --> 01:04:48,185 Tillie: Our neighbor Mr. Tucker is one of those nuts 1008 01:04:48,218 --> 01:04:51,555 obsessed with the mileage he gets out of his car. 1009 01:04:51,588 --> 01:04:54,091 Keeps meticulous records. 1010 01:04:54,124 --> 01:04:56,626 So a couple of times a week Robbie and Pete 1011 01:04:56,660 --> 01:04:58,562 sneak over there with a can of gasoline 1012 01:04:58,595 --> 01:05:00,497 and keep filling up his tank, 1013 01:05:00,530 --> 01:05:04,068 and poor Mr. Tucker keeps coming over boasting 1014 01:05:04,101 --> 01:05:08,939 how he's getting 40, 50, even 60 miles to a gallon. 1015 01:05:10,640 --> 01:05:12,576 Pete says he's gonna keep Robbie safe 1016 01:05:12,609 --> 01:05:15,379 in a world of nonsense. 1017 01:05:15,412 --> 01:05:17,581 No harm can come to him there. 1018 01:05:19,049 --> 01:05:22,052 - Isn't this fun? - I don't know, Dad. 1019 01:05:22,086 --> 01:05:24,955 Three hours, and we haven't caught one thing. 1020 01:05:24,989 --> 01:05:27,724 That's what I mean. Isn't it fun for the fish? 1021 01:05:27,757 --> 01:05:28,959 [laughing] 1022 01:05:28,993 --> 01:05:30,961 Hey, wait I think I got something. 1023 01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:32,196 Steady, steady now. 1024 01:05:32,229 --> 01:05:33,530 Steady, you got it, reel him in. 1025 01:05:33,563 --> 01:05:34,999 - Wow, look at him. - Reel him in. 1026 01:05:35,032 --> 01:05:37,167 You've got it. You've got a fish. 1027 01:05:37,201 --> 01:05:39,669 Attaboy. What a beauty. 1028 01:05:39,703 --> 01:05:43,407 Look at that fish. [chuckles] 1029 01:05:43,440 --> 01:05:44,574 Isn't he a beauty? 1030 01:05:44,608 --> 01:05:46,110 Let him go, Pete, let him go. 1031 01:05:46,143 --> 01:05:47,577 Let him go? What are you talking about? 1032 01:05:47,611 --> 01:05:49,980 We've been standing here for three hours. 1033 01:05:50,014 --> 01:05:52,016 Please. 1034 01:05:52,049 --> 01:05:54,151 - Oh, he's hurt. - Alright, alright. 1035 01:05:54,184 --> 01:05:56,053 I'll let him go. He's not hurt. 1036 01:05:56,086 --> 01:05:57,421 He's bleeding. 1037 01:05:57,454 --> 01:06:00,024 Doesn't feel anything, you know, fish don't feel. 1038 01:06:00,057 --> 01:06:02,192 - He's caught. - Oh, don't squeeze him so hard. 1039 01:06:02,226 --> 01:06:04,161 Who's squeezing him? 1040 01:06:04,194 --> 01:06:06,030 I'm not squeezing him. 1041 01:06:06,063 --> 01:06:08,765 Let's see, I think I've seen this fish before. 1042 01:06:08,798 --> 01:06:11,335 There we are. Alright, goodbye. 1043 01:06:11,368 --> 01:06:12,636 Just for that, young man, 1044 01:06:12,669 --> 01:06:14,771 you're gonna have to have steak for dinner. 1045 01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:15,972 [laughs] 1046 01:06:27,317 --> 01:06:29,119 Alright, Robbie. 1047 01:06:29,153 --> 01:06:31,421 Easy does it now. 1048 01:06:31,455 --> 01:06:35,392 Here we go, boy, easy. 1049 01:06:35,425 --> 01:06:37,727 Alright, here we go, Robbie. 1050 01:06:37,761 --> 01:06:39,229 [sighs] 1051 01:06:39,263 --> 01:06:42,032 Attaboy. Here we go. 1052 01:06:45,502 --> 01:06:48,338 Robbie: Can we put gas in Mr. Tucker's car? 1053 01:06:48,372 --> 01:06:50,374 Tomorrow night, Robbie. 1054 01:06:52,176 --> 01:06:54,478 I hate fractions. 1055 01:06:54,511 --> 01:06:57,581 What's six divided by three fourths? 1056 01:06:57,614 --> 01:06:59,216 That's your father's department. 1057 01:06:59,249 --> 01:07:00,517 Pete. 1058 01:07:01,851 --> 01:07:03,353 Six divided by what? 1059 01:07:03,387 --> 01:07:04,388 Three fourths. 1060 01:07:04,421 --> 01:07:05,689 Oh, that's easy. 1061 01:07:05,722 --> 01:07:08,225 Here, let me have your thinking cap. 1062 01:07:08,258 --> 01:07:10,094 Six divided by three fourths. 1063 01:07:10,127 --> 01:07:13,497 Six times three, the numerator is 18 1064 01:07:13,530 --> 01:07:15,399 divided by four, the denominator, 1065 01:07:15,432 --> 01:07:17,701 it's four and a half. 1066 01:07:17,734 --> 01:07:19,369 Doesn't sound right to me. 1067 01:07:19,403 --> 01:07:22,806 Well, thank you to show a little respect for your father. 1068 01:07:22,839 --> 01:07:26,143 I'm not sure, but I think when you divide fractions 1069 01:07:26,176 --> 01:07:29,179 you invert the denominator and the numerator, 1070 01:07:29,213 --> 01:07:33,450 so that six times four is 24, divided by three is eight. 1071 01:07:33,483 --> 01:07:34,718 How does that sound? 1072 01:07:34,751 --> 01:07:36,853 It sounds much better, thanks. 1073 01:07:36,886 --> 01:07:38,522 That's right, take you mother's side. 1074 01:07:38,555 --> 01:07:41,358 All I do around here is pay the bills. 1075 01:07:41,391 --> 01:07:44,428 Just once, I'd like to be treated like a human being. 1076 01:07:44,461 --> 01:07:47,831 [doorbell ringing] That has to be Tucker. 1077 01:07:47,864 --> 01:07:49,766 [laughs] 1078 01:07:49,799 --> 01:07:52,436 You're gonna have to keep a straight face. 1079 01:07:52,469 --> 01:07:54,138 Maybe you better go upstairs. 1080 01:07:54,171 --> 01:07:55,405 Oh, no, Pete, please. 1081 01:07:55,439 --> 01:07:57,641 Then hold it straight. [laughs] 1082 01:07:57,674 --> 01:07:58,675 - Tucker, how are you? - Hi, Pete. 1083 01:07:58,708 --> 01:07:59,843 How are you? How's Mel? 1084 01:07:59,876 --> 01:08:01,811 Oh, Mellie's just fine, thank you. 1085 01:08:01,845 --> 01:08:03,813 Hi, there. I hope I'm not intruding. 1086 01:08:03,847 --> 01:08:05,682 Sure you are, but come in anyway. 1087 01:08:05,715 --> 01:08:07,484 Well, I thought you might be interested 1088 01:08:07,517 --> 01:08:08,652 in this week's figures. 1089 01:08:08,685 --> 01:08:11,421 - We are way back up again. - Great. 1090 01:08:11,455 --> 01:08:12,622 You know, a few weeks back when I was 1091 01:08:12,656 --> 01:08:13,823 down to 22, 24 miles a gallon? 1092 01:08:13,857 --> 01:08:15,492 When we're all fishing the Sierras? 1093 01:08:15,525 --> 01:08:17,327 Yeah, well, of course, naturally I thought 1094 01:08:17,361 --> 01:08:19,696 the 40s and 50s I'd been getting was just a fluke. 1095 01:08:19,729 --> 01:08:22,166 Last week, I averaged 44. 1096 01:08:22,199 --> 01:08:25,602 This week 47. [Robbie laughing] 1097 01:08:25,635 --> 01:08:28,238 Have you ever thought of complaining? 1098 01:08:28,272 --> 01:08:29,573 Complaining? 1099 01:08:29,606 --> 01:08:31,341 Well, why should I complain? 1100 01:08:31,375 --> 01:08:33,210 Well, such mileage, obviously 1101 01:08:33,243 --> 01:08:35,345 there's something wrong with your car. 1102 01:08:35,379 --> 01:08:38,482 [laughing] 1103 01:08:41,885 --> 01:08:43,853 [stammering] 1104 01:08:43,887 --> 01:08:45,121 He's stoned. 1105 01:08:46,356 --> 01:08:49,459 Abbott: ...baseball team here at the retired actors home, 1106 01:08:49,493 --> 01:08:51,928 and I am the manager. Now... 1107 01:08:51,961 --> 01:08:53,463 Costello: You're gonna be the manager of the 1108 01:08:53,497 --> 01:08:54,864 retired actors baseball team? 1109 01:08:54,898 --> 01:08:56,766 I would like to join the retired actors baseball team. 1110 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:58,168 - Oh, you would. - I would like to know... 1111 01:08:58,202 --> 01:08:59,603 some of the guys' names on the team 1112 01:08:59,636 --> 01:09:01,171 so if I wanna play with them I know 'um. 1113 01:09:01,205 --> 01:09:02,339 If I meet 'um on the street or in the home here 1114 01:09:02,372 --> 01:09:03,607 I can say "Hello "to them. 1115 01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:05,175 Abbott: Oh, sure, but you know they give 1116 01:09:05,209 --> 01:09:06,576 baseball players nowadays very peculiar names. 1117 01:09:06,610 --> 01:09:07,911 Costello: Oh, what are the funny names? 1118 01:09:07,944 --> 01:09:09,313 Abbott: Well, let's see, we have on our team 1119 01:09:09,346 --> 01:09:10,880 we have Who's on first, 1120 01:09:10,914 --> 01:09:12,749 What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. 1121 01:09:12,782 --> 01:09:14,418 - That's what I wanna find out. - The guys' name. 1122 01:09:14,451 --> 01:09:15,752 Abbott: That's what I wanna find out, the guys' name. 1123 01:09:15,785 --> 01:09:17,221 Abbott: I'm telling you, Who's on first, 1124 01:09:17,254 --> 01:09:18,622 What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. 1125 01:09:18,655 --> 01:09:19,623 Costello: Abbott, you gonna be the manager 1126 01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:20,957 of the baseball team? 1127 01:09:20,990 --> 01:09:22,692 - You know the guys' name? - Well, I should. 1128 01:09:22,726 --> 01:09:24,728 Abbott: I said Who's on first, What's on second, 1129 01:09:24,761 --> 01:09:27,197 I Don't Know's on third. 1130 01:09:27,231 --> 01:09:30,367 What kind of a way is this to spend 1131 01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:31,768 a sunny Saturday afternoon? 1132 01:09:31,801 --> 01:09:33,237 It's a history lesson, Mother. 1133 01:09:33,270 --> 01:09:35,239 I want your son to know what comedy was like 1134 01:09:35,272 --> 01:09:37,641 twenty-five, thirty years ago. Real comedy. 1135 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:38,775 Abbott and Costello? 1136 01:09:38,808 --> 01:09:40,244 The Abbott and Costello 1137 01:09:40,277 --> 01:09:42,512 "Who's On First?" routine is literature. 1138 01:09:42,546 --> 01:09:44,414 It ranks with the Songs of Solomon, 1139 01:09:44,448 --> 01:09:45,682 the sonnets of Shakespeare, 1140 01:09:45,715 --> 01:09:47,384 and the speeches of Spiro Agnew. 1141 01:09:47,417 --> 01:09:50,287 [horn honking] 1142 01:09:50,320 --> 01:09:51,521 Robbie: Who is it? 1143 01:09:51,555 --> 01:09:52,822 - Pete: Look out there. - Robbie: Uh-oh. 1144 01:09:52,856 --> 01:09:54,891 Robbie: Pete, it's Mr. Tucker. 1145 01:09:54,924 --> 01:09:56,960 Pete: You ever see a more smug expression in your life? 1146 01:09:56,993 --> 01:09:59,296 Yeah, listen, you two, you've gotta stop 1147 01:09:59,329 --> 01:10:00,930 torturing poor Mr. Tucker. 1148 01:10:00,964 --> 01:10:03,500 I agree. The time has come to reverse the procedure. 1149 01:10:03,533 --> 01:10:06,002 Instead of putting gas in, we'll start siphoning it out. 1150 01:10:06,035 --> 01:10:08,572 Instead of getting 40 to 50 miles per gallon 1151 01:10:08,605 --> 01:10:10,540 he'll be lucky to get eight to ten. 1152 01:10:10,574 --> 01:10:13,677 [laughs] Oh, Pete, he'll go mad. 1153 01:10:13,710 --> 01:10:15,679 I believe that's the whole point. 1154 01:10:15,712 --> 01:10:17,347 I won't permit it. 1155 01:10:17,381 --> 01:10:18,915 Mr. Tucker is our neighbor. 1156 01:10:18,948 --> 01:10:20,850 - A nice, decent-- - I don't understand you. 1157 01:10:20,884 --> 01:10:22,919 You-- you attack Abbott and Costello 1158 01:10:22,952 --> 01:10:24,721 and you defend Mr. Tucker. 1159 01:10:24,754 --> 01:10:27,524 - What's wrong with your mother? - Oop. 1160 01:10:27,557 --> 01:10:29,626 Men. [laughs] 1161 01:10:31,428 --> 01:10:32,396 [screams] 1162 01:10:32,429 --> 01:10:34,731 [crickets chirping] 1163 01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:44,974 [spits] 1164 01:11:27,351 --> 01:11:28,985 What time is it? 1165 01:11:29,018 --> 01:11:30,454 About 2:00. 1166 01:11:42,065 --> 01:11:44,568 We're gonna have to face it. 1167 01:11:44,601 --> 01:11:48,405 Dr. Willett says this remission can't last much longer. 1168 01:12:08,658 --> 01:12:10,827 How can you think of that? 1169 01:12:28,845 --> 01:12:31,548 [music on TV] 1170 01:12:31,581 --> 01:12:33,850 [man laughing on TV] 1171 01:12:38,522 --> 01:12:41,725 Burn, Rome! Burn. 1172 01:12:45,128 --> 01:12:48,432 Man on TV: If in the melancholy shades below, 1173 01:12:48,465 --> 01:12:52,736 the flames of friends and lovers cease to glow. 1174 01:12:57,874 --> 01:13:00,844 Yet mine shall sacred last... 1175 01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:04,814 Lo, the blaze aspires! 1176 01:13:12,789 --> 01:13:14,057 [turns off TV] 1177 01:13:27,871 --> 01:13:29,005 Mr. Tucker: When I bought it, 1178 01:13:29,038 --> 01:13:30,774 they guaranteed 30 miles per gallon, 1179 01:13:30,807 --> 01:13:33,443 so don't tell me there's nothing wrong with the goddamn car. 1180 01:13:33,477 --> 01:13:36,913 To go from 44 miles per gallon one week, 1181 01:13:36,946 --> 01:13:38,615 to nine miles per gallon the next week. 1182 01:13:38,648 --> 01:13:39,949 - But, Mr. Tucker, I checked it. - Don't try to tell me 1183 01:13:39,983 --> 01:13:41,451 there's nothing wrong with it. 1184 01:13:41,485 --> 01:13:43,019 There's nothing wrong with the car. 1185 01:13:43,052 --> 01:13:45,088 I kept records on this car since the day I got it. 1186 01:13:45,121 --> 01:13:46,856 The thing doesn't leak its own gasoline. 1187 01:13:46,890 --> 01:13:48,157 - You don't believe me? - You know Pete Seltzer? 1188 01:13:48,191 --> 01:13:50,827 When I bought it... [laughing] 1189 01:13:50,860 --> 01:13:53,563 [indistinct chatter] 1190 01:13:53,597 --> 01:13:55,164 Costello: Me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy 1191 01:13:55,198 --> 01:13:56,533 out on first base, so I pick up the ball 1192 01:13:56,566 --> 01:13:58,134 and throw it to home. 1193 01:13:58,167 --> 01:13:59,736 Abbott: Now, that's the first thing you've said right. 1194 01:13:59,769 --> 01:14:01,671 Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about. 1195 01:14:01,705 --> 01:14:03,239 Abbott: What do I have to do? 1196 01:14:03,272 --> 01:14:04,808 Costello: You have to throw the ball at first base. 1197 01:14:04,841 --> 01:14:05,875 - Yeah. - Now who's got it? 1198 01:14:05,909 --> 01:14:07,210 - Naturally. - Sure. 1199 01:14:07,243 --> 01:14:08,812 [Robbie laughing] 1200 01:14:08,845 --> 01:14:10,246 The guy who's playing on first base. 1201 01:14:10,279 --> 01:14:11,981 - Naturally. - I wanna throw the guy out. 1202 01:14:12,015 --> 01:14:13,650 - No. - So I throw the ball to who? 1203 01:14:13,683 --> 01:14:14,751 Abbott: Naturally. 1204 01:14:14,784 --> 01:14:16,620 Costello: Throw it to who? 1205 01:14:16,653 --> 01:14:18,755 [Robbie laughing] 1206 01:14:18,788 --> 01:14:20,890 Oh, you bastard. 1207 01:14:21,891 --> 01:14:24,561 You bully. 1208 01:14:26,563 --> 01:14:29,132 You butcher. 1209 01:14:29,165 --> 01:14:32,101 You son of a bitch bloody butcher. 1210 01:14:33,670 --> 01:14:35,572 You, Jesus. 1211 01:14:36,973 --> 01:14:40,644 What's all this crap about mercy and compassion? 1212 01:14:41,945 --> 01:14:45,815 Suffer the little children to come unto me. 1213 01:14:45,849 --> 01:14:48,618 Suffer whose little children? 1214 01:14:49,853 --> 01:14:52,088 [crying] 1215 01:14:52,121 --> 01:14:53,590 Mary. 1216 01:14:55,859 --> 01:14:58,862 Mary, where are you now? 1217 01:15:00,229 --> 01:15:02,599 Mother of mercy. 1218 01:15:03,900 --> 01:15:06,536 Mother of mercy. 1219 01:15:08,071 --> 01:15:10,607 I spit on you! 1220 01:15:11,675 --> 01:15:13,610 I spit on you! 1221 01:15:14,878 --> 01:15:17,881 I spit on you! 1222 01:15:17,914 --> 01:15:21,551 Tillie: Later, of course, I recoiled in horror 1223 01:15:21,585 --> 01:15:23,119 from the memory of it. 1224 01:15:23,152 --> 01:15:26,656 Was it I saying those things? 1225 01:15:28,892 --> 01:15:30,927 Robbie left us in the dead of winter. 1226 01:15:49,145 --> 01:15:51,314 I'd like to stay a moment. 1227 01:16:27,984 --> 01:16:30,754 [sighs] 1228 01:16:46,970 --> 01:16:49,773 What do you think, should we have some kind of service? 1229 01:16:51,841 --> 01:16:53,409 The church bit? 1230 01:16:53,442 --> 01:16:56,112 Not the usual, but something. 1231 01:16:58,114 --> 01:17:00,283 Not for you, not for me... 1232 01:17:01,851 --> 01:17:03,252 for Robbie. 1233 01:17:05,021 --> 01:17:06,790 Play it safe, you mean. 1234 01:17:08,357 --> 01:17:11,895 I haven't been in a church maybe 20 years. 1235 01:17:11,928 --> 01:17:13,262 Me neither. 1236 01:17:13,296 --> 01:17:14,798 Minister: At the request of the parents, 1237 01:17:14,831 --> 01:17:16,232 Mr. and Mrs. Seltzer, 1238 01:17:16,265 --> 01:17:18,134 I will read from the works of the poet 1239 01:17:18,167 --> 01:17:19,803 Robert Louis Stevenson. 1240 01:17:19,836 --> 01:17:23,840 "Purge out of every heart the lurking grudge." 1241 01:17:23,873 --> 01:17:27,677 "Give us courage, and gaiety," 1242 01:17:27,711 --> 01:17:29,012 "a quiet mind." 1243 01:17:29,045 --> 01:17:31,047 "Spare us to our friends." 1244 01:17:31,080 --> 01:17:33,382 "Soften us to our enemies." 1245 01:17:33,416 --> 01:17:37,687 "Bless us if it may be in all our innocent endeavors." 1246 01:17:37,721 --> 01:17:39,088 "If it may not be..." 1247 01:17:39,122 --> 01:17:40,189 Tillie: For almost six months 1248 01:17:40,223 --> 01:17:42,391 we lived practically alone. 1249 01:17:42,425 --> 01:17:44,327 I was content in seclusion. 1250 01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:48,397 But then friends coaxed us out to a cocktail party. 1251 01:17:48,431 --> 01:17:51,701 Pete quickly accepted before I could say no. 1252 01:17:51,735 --> 01:17:53,269 Excuse me, please. 1253 01:17:53,302 --> 01:17:56,105 [indistinct chatter] 1254 01:17:56,139 --> 01:17:57,473 Pete: No, I'll tell you... 1255 01:17:57,506 --> 01:18:00,276 I'll tell you why I'm not in the stock market. 1256 01:18:00,309 --> 01:18:02,879 The lady will have a Coke, and I'll have a Scotch. 1257 01:18:02,912 --> 01:18:05,114 Pete: I just read where the president of Anaconda Copper 1258 01:18:05,148 --> 01:18:06,916 heard about Tijuana Brass 1259 01:18:06,950 --> 01:18:08,985 and he wants to arrange a merger. 1260 01:18:09,018 --> 01:18:11,320 [laughing] 1261 01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:14,223 - No, really, I'm serious. - Excuse me, Father. 1262 01:18:14,257 --> 01:18:15,859 - Tillie. - Hello, Bert. 1263 01:18:15,892 --> 01:18:18,762 - Mm. You look marvelous. - Where's Gertrude? 1264 01:18:18,795 --> 01:18:22,832 Oh, she's visiting her mother in Minneapolis or someplace. 1265 01:18:22,866 --> 01:18:24,400 How's Pete? 1266 01:18:24,433 --> 01:18:26,903 In there talking to that redhead. Why don't you ask him? 1267 01:18:26,936 --> 01:18:29,505 I don't ask men how they are. 1268 01:18:29,538 --> 01:18:32,742 But that redhead's another proposition. 1269 01:18:32,776 --> 01:18:35,011 [laughing] 1270 01:18:35,044 --> 01:18:37,480 [indistinct chatter] 1271 01:18:38,848 --> 01:18:40,483 She says she's visiting her mother in Minnesota, 1272 01:18:40,516 --> 01:18:42,318 but she's off someplace having a face lift. 1273 01:18:42,351 --> 01:18:43,887 - Woman: Again? - Jimmy: Yeah. 1274 01:18:43,920 --> 01:18:47,223 Jimmy: I hear she has the surgeon on a retainer. 1275 01:18:47,256 --> 01:18:51,227 I had this new secretary who called me Pete. 1276 01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:52,762 We had a couple of lunches, 1277 01:18:52,796 --> 01:18:55,899 and she started calling me Mr. Seltzer. 1278 01:18:55,932 --> 01:18:59,335 I said, "Hey, you used to call me Pete." 1279 01:18:59,368 --> 01:19:02,138 But she says, "That's before I got to know you." 1280 01:19:02,171 --> 01:19:04,974 [laughs] 1281 01:19:05,008 --> 01:19:06,142 She had the largest-- 1282 01:19:06,175 --> 01:19:10,213 Pete, I'd like to go now. 1283 01:19:10,246 --> 01:19:12,849 The invitation said 5:00 to 8:00. 1284 01:19:14,851 --> 01:19:16,419 But it's only 9:00. 1285 01:19:16,452 --> 01:19:17,921 Pete. 1286 01:19:17,954 --> 01:19:19,255 Sure. 1287 01:19:25,294 --> 01:19:26,830 Think I can still catch the second half 1288 01:19:26,863 --> 01:19:27,630 of that football game. 1289 01:19:27,663 --> 01:19:29,799 Would you fix me a drink, please? 1290 01:19:29,833 --> 01:19:31,134 Alright. 1291 01:19:46,149 --> 01:19:49,986 Male announcer: Mississippi 48 or 49. 1292 01:19:50,019 --> 01:19:52,121 So with two minutes and 15 seconds to go in the half 1293 01:19:52,155 --> 01:19:55,224 Mississippi takes over on zone 48. 1294 01:19:55,258 --> 01:19:56,960 They're lining up with two tight ends. 1295 01:19:56,993 --> 01:19:58,227 Here's the snap. Whoops. 1296 01:19:58,261 --> 01:19:59,562 Looks like a busted play. 1297 01:19:59,595 --> 01:20:01,364 Somebody got their signals crossed. 1298 01:20:01,397 --> 01:20:03,599 Mississippi is calling a timeout. 1299 01:20:03,632 --> 01:20:06,002 [Pete sighing] 1300 01:20:06,035 --> 01:20:08,004 Up to the line of scrimmage without much more. 1301 01:20:08,037 --> 01:20:10,539 Man on TV: See where the referee puts the ball in. 1302 01:20:10,573 --> 01:20:13,076 Thirty-three. That makes it thirty-three. 1303 01:20:13,109 --> 01:20:14,310 Thank you. 1304 01:20:15,578 --> 01:20:16,880 Who's playing? 1305 01:20:16,913 --> 01:20:19,448 Mississippi, Mississippi State. 1306 01:20:20,649 --> 01:20:22,551 You mean you care which one of them wins? 1307 01:20:22,585 --> 01:20:25,288 I don't care, not the slightest. 1308 01:20:25,321 --> 01:20:26,990 Then why are you watching? 1309 01:20:27,023 --> 01:20:30,293 Honey, I'm just gonna sit here and hope for injuries. 1310 01:20:34,563 --> 01:20:35,899 We should've stayed at the party. 1311 01:20:35,932 --> 01:20:37,867 I was getting more laughs there. 1312 01:20:37,901 --> 01:20:39,835 [chatter on TV] 1313 01:20:43,572 --> 01:20:45,875 You know, Gertrude's been after me for quite 1314 01:20:45,909 --> 01:20:49,012 some time to talk to Father Keating. 1315 01:20:49,045 --> 01:20:50,213 About what? 1316 01:20:51,414 --> 01:20:54,117 You think he'd try to proselytize me? 1317 01:20:54,150 --> 01:20:56,119 Wouldn't be surprised. 1318 01:20:56,152 --> 01:20:59,388 Well, would it bother you? 1319 01:20:59,422 --> 01:21:02,992 Well, I mean, suppose Father Keating succeeded? 1320 01:21:04,093 --> 01:21:05,228 Suppose I... 1321 01:21:12,501 --> 01:21:16,005 I believe the expression is "Embrace Catholicism." 1322 01:21:16,039 --> 01:21:18,341 Alright, embrace Catholicism. 1323 01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:21,077 Would it bother you very much? 1324 01:21:21,110 --> 01:21:22,345 Not particularly. 1325 01:21:22,378 --> 01:21:24,347 But tell me something. 1326 01:21:24,380 --> 01:21:26,349 You've never been much of a Congregationalist. 1327 01:21:26,382 --> 01:21:28,651 What makes you think you'd be a better anything else? 1328 01:21:30,053 --> 01:21:31,420 I don't know. 1329 01:21:33,322 --> 01:21:34,890 I don't know. 1330 01:21:36,259 --> 01:21:38,361 But I need somethin'. 1331 01:21:40,296 --> 01:21:42,365 You're gonna laugh at me, but... 1332 01:21:42,398 --> 01:21:44,133 At 4:00 or 5:00 every morning 1333 01:21:44,167 --> 01:21:47,570 when I'm lying wide awake, I keep thinking... 1334 01:21:49,072 --> 01:21:52,075 a nine-year-old boy dies... 1335 01:21:52,108 --> 01:21:53,242 needlessly, 1336 01:21:53,276 --> 01:21:55,678 senselessly, is it a punishment? 1337 01:21:55,711 --> 01:21:58,982 Are we being punished for something? 1338 01:21:59,015 --> 01:22:01,050 Punished by whom? 1339 01:22:01,084 --> 01:22:02,251 Don't make it so tough for me. 1340 01:22:02,285 --> 01:22:03,686 You know damn well by whom. 1341 01:22:03,719 --> 01:22:05,654 Alright, I know damn well by whom, 1342 01:22:05,688 --> 01:22:07,256 but for what, for Christ's sake? 1343 01:22:07,290 --> 01:22:08,391 I don't know for what, 1344 01:22:08,424 --> 01:22:09,425 and I'm sure you don't either. 1345 01:22:09,458 --> 01:22:11,060 And Father Keating does? 1346 01:22:11,094 --> 01:22:12,996 Well, at least he'd be willing to discuss it seriously. 1347 01:22:13,029 --> 01:22:15,598 And so would I! Take you, for example. 1348 01:22:15,631 --> 01:22:17,233 I think you can be classified 1349 01:22:17,266 --> 01:22:19,135 as what is known as a good person. 1350 01:22:19,168 --> 01:22:21,404 Oh, you're a little rough on redheads at parties. 1351 01:22:21,437 --> 01:22:22,972 - But all in all... - Pete. 1352 01:22:23,006 --> 01:22:25,641 Now take me, I'm not so bad either. 1353 01:22:25,674 --> 01:22:28,344 Oh, I admit to a few flaws, but not many. 1354 01:22:28,377 --> 01:22:29,412 Pete, shut up. 1355 01:22:29,445 --> 01:22:30,579 So I put it to you, Tillie, 1356 01:22:30,613 --> 01:22:33,182 that our poor darling baby died, 1357 01:22:33,216 --> 01:22:36,619 not because of retribution divine or otherwise, 1358 01:22:36,652 --> 01:22:39,022 but simply because some goddamn bug got-- 1359 01:22:39,055 --> 01:22:40,456 You want me to scream? 1360 01:22:40,489 --> 01:22:42,591 I leave it up to you. 1361 01:22:45,361 --> 01:22:47,663 Always a little joke. 1362 01:22:47,696 --> 01:22:51,000 Anything to hide your true feelings. 1363 01:22:51,034 --> 01:22:53,602 Let me tell you something about true feelings. 1364 01:22:53,636 --> 01:22:57,273 I've made quite a study of true feelings. 1365 01:22:57,306 --> 01:23:00,143 Most of them deserve to be hidden. 1366 01:23:02,745 --> 01:23:04,713 [footsteps] 1367 01:23:10,819 --> 01:23:13,622 I suppose I should be grateful you did 1368 01:23:13,656 --> 01:23:16,425 deign to discuss it, that's something. 1369 01:23:17,626 --> 01:23:20,196 Anything disturbs you, you keep it to yourself. 1370 01:23:20,229 --> 01:23:22,198 Clam up. 1371 01:23:22,231 --> 01:23:23,732 If something bothers me... 1372 01:23:23,766 --> 01:23:26,335 I know, I know, it makes you feel better to talk about it. 1373 01:23:26,369 --> 01:23:28,504 Well, it makes me feel worse. 1374 01:23:32,108 --> 01:23:36,479 God, how have we ever stayed married for 11 years? 1375 01:23:36,512 --> 01:23:38,747 Because I'd rather not discuss things with you 1376 01:23:38,781 --> 01:23:41,584 than with any other woman in the world. 1377 01:23:45,821 --> 01:23:47,323 I'm going to bed. 1378 01:23:47,356 --> 01:23:49,792 You have my very best wishes. 1379 01:24:13,549 --> 01:24:16,319 I just saw a film of rare beauty 1380 01:24:16,352 --> 01:24:18,154 on the late, late show. 1381 01:24:18,187 --> 01:24:21,090 Tarzan was complaining to his buddy the ape 1382 01:24:21,124 --> 01:24:22,458 about his sex life... 1383 01:24:22,491 --> 01:24:25,228 Tarzan's, not the ape's. 1384 01:24:25,261 --> 01:24:27,263 Which reminds me, we should be celebrating 1385 01:24:27,296 --> 01:24:29,165 an anniversary pretty soon. 1386 01:24:29,198 --> 01:24:31,234 It's been almost a year since you and I-- 1387 01:24:31,267 --> 01:24:33,136 You're smashed. 1388 01:24:33,169 --> 01:24:34,170 Possibly. 1389 01:24:35,838 --> 01:24:39,408 I'll bet you've killed conservatively half a bottle. 1390 01:24:39,442 --> 01:24:41,477 How does one kill conservatively? 1391 01:24:41,510 --> 01:24:43,546 I can see killing madly, angrily, 1392 01:24:43,579 --> 01:24:46,849 indiscriminately, mechanically, but conservatively? 1393 01:24:50,319 --> 01:24:51,720 Goodnight, Pete. 1394 01:24:59,728 --> 01:25:01,864 Expect I'll be home late again tomorrow night. 1395 01:25:01,897 --> 01:25:04,300 Some reports to rush out to some poop 1396 01:25:04,333 --> 01:25:06,735 in South Jesus Idaho somewhere. 1397 01:25:06,769 --> 01:25:09,705 Stay in town all night if you want. 1398 01:25:11,507 --> 01:25:13,609 I mean, I don't mind. 1399 01:25:15,711 --> 01:25:17,813 Even if you've got somebody. 1400 01:25:18,714 --> 01:25:21,817 You've gotta live, I know. 1401 01:25:21,850 --> 01:25:23,252 I have no right to starve you 1402 01:25:23,286 --> 01:25:25,688 just because I've lost my appetite. 1403 01:25:29,892 --> 01:25:31,527 No comment. 1404 01:25:43,639 --> 01:25:46,175 Tillie: Pete's taken a one room apartment in town 1405 01:25:46,209 --> 01:25:50,746 someplace, so a shrewd guess would be that we're separated. 1406 01:25:50,779 --> 01:25:52,815 [ship horn blaring] 1407 01:25:52,848 --> 01:25:54,950 And I hear Gertrude has talked you into 1408 01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:57,486 heading the raffle committee at the mental health ball. 1409 01:25:57,520 --> 01:25:58,621 Oh, yeah. 1410 01:25:58,654 --> 01:26:01,457 [laughs] Gertrude says I'm a bitch, 1411 01:26:01,490 --> 01:26:03,892 but she's still allowing me to arrange 1412 01:26:03,926 --> 01:26:06,662 for my dear friend, Princess Grace, to receive 1413 01:26:06,695 --> 01:26:10,233 the first prize winners at the castle in Monaco. 1414 01:26:11,434 --> 01:26:12,901 You may be a bitch, 1415 01:26:12,935 --> 01:26:14,603 but to the rest of the community 1416 01:26:14,637 --> 01:26:16,339 you're worth all the husbands in town. 1417 01:26:16,372 --> 01:26:17,573 Yeah. 1418 01:26:17,606 --> 01:26:18,874 Well, none of them ever lifts a finger 1419 01:26:18,907 --> 01:26:21,277 to help out with any of the charities. 1420 01:26:21,310 --> 01:26:23,679 Have you ever refused a request? 1421 01:26:23,712 --> 01:26:25,548 I adore the limelight. Hmph. 1422 01:26:25,581 --> 01:26:29,585 Well, anyway, I'm going to the police department tomorrow 1423 01:26:29,618 --> 01:26:32,588 with Laura Colton to register the lottery. 1424 01:26:32,621 --> 01:26:34,390 It's a state law or something. 1425 01:26:34,423 --> 01:26:35,691 Certainly is. 1426 01:26:35,724 --> 01:26:36,992 And you're not going with Laura Colton, 1427 01:26:37,025 --> 01:26:39,728 you're going with Gertrude Wilson 1428 01:26:39,762 --> 01:26:42,531 because among the routine questions 1429 01:26:42,565 --> 01:26:43,799 the police will ask you 1430 01:26:43,832 --> 01:26:48,437 is your name, your address and your age. 1431 01:26:48,471 --> 01:26:50,306 Oh. [laughs] 1432 01:26:50,339 --> 01:26:52,775 Poor unsuspecting Gertrude. 1433 01:26:52,808 --> 01:26:56,279 After all these years, we finally have her. Heh. 1434 01:26:56,312 --> 01:26:59,382 She may be able to slip and slide her way out of telling us, 1435 01:26:59,415 --> 01:27:01,850 but the police, no way. 1436 01:27:03,586 --> 01:27:05,754 I can't do that, Jimmy. 1437 01:27:05,788 --> 01:27:08,291 I can't do that to my best friend. 1438 01:27:08,324 --> 01:27:11,327 But, darling, what are best friends for? 1439 01:27:13,462 --> 01:27:15,864 No. 1440 01:27:15,898 --> 01:27:19,568 Well, [clears throat] I've saved my trump card for the last. 1441 01:27:19,602 --> 01:27:21,737 Laura Colton has the flu. 1442 01:27:21,770 --> 01:27:24,407 I know. I gave it to her. 1443 01:27:24,440 --> 01:27:25,908 [chuckles] 1444 01:27:25,941 --> 01:27:27,576 Gertrude: What do you hear from Pete? 1445 01:27:27,610 --> 01:27:28,877 Tillie: Well, I haven't. 1446 01:27:28,911 --> 01:27:30,813 'Course, he could've called while I'm out. 1447 01:27:30,846 --> 01:27:32,548 I've been out a lot lately 1448 01:27:32,581 --> 01:27:34,517 thanks to you and your lottery. 1449 01:27:34,550 --> 01:27:37,019 Listen, Gert, you don't have to register with me. 1450 01:27:37,052 --> 01:27:39,455 Oh, well, we need two committee members, remember? 1451 01:27:39,488 --> 01:27:40,656 And I don't mind. 1452 01:27:40,689 --> 01:27:41,790 Well, I can wait for Laura. 1453 01:27:41,824 --> 01:27:42,991 She'll be fine tomorrow. 1454 01:27:43,025 --> 01:27:45,661 No, let's get it over with. 1455 01:27:45,694 --> 01:27:47,730 Speaking of getting things over with, 1456 01:27:47,763 --> 01:27:49,565 have you seen a lawyer? 1457 01:27:49,598 --> 01:27:50,666 About what? 1458 01:27:50,699 --> 01:27:52,601 About what? The divorce. 1459 01:27:52,635 --> 01:27:53,669 What divorce? 1460 01:27:53,702 --> 01:27:55,338 Yours and Pete's. 1461 01:27:55,371 --> 01:27:57,606 What have you done about it? Have you seen a lawyer? 1462 01:27:57,640 --> 01:27:59,442 No, I haven't seen a lawyer. 1463 01:27:59,475 --> 01:28:00,609 I don't even know a lawyer. 1464 01:28:00,643 --> 01:28:02,878 Well, I know lots. 1465 01:28:02,911 --> 01:28:04,880 Well, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to. 1466 01:28:04,913 --> 01:28:06,682 Well, you can get it on adultery. 1467 01:28:06,715 --> 01:28:08,083 I know that. 1468 01:28:08,116 --> 01:28:10,353 Well, if you know that, I must know it too. 1469 01:28:10,386 --> 01:28:14,022 No, if you want me to, I'll testify at the trial. 1470 01:28:14,056 --> 01:28:15,824 I couldn't put you to that trouble. 1471 01:28:15,858 --> 01:28:18,561 Oh, listen, my girl, I got you married. 1472 01:28:18,594 --> 01:28:21,530 The least I can do is get you divorced properly. 1473 01:28:21,564 --> 01:28:23,366 Now, call this lawyer I know. 1474 01:28:23,399 --> 01:28:24,433 He's marvelous. 1475 01:28:24,467 --> 01:28:27,370 He handles all your friends' divorces, does he? 1476 01:28:27,403 --> 01:28:30,038 I don't get a commission, if that's what you mean. 1477 01:28:30,072 --> 01:28:32,040 Ah, here we are. 1478 01:28:39,415 --> 01:28:40,416 Man: Organization? 1479 01:28:40,449 --> 01:28:41,550 Gertrude: Mental health. 1480 01:28:41,584 --> 01:28:42,885 Prize? 1481 01:28:42,918 --> 01:28:45,521 Gertrude: An all-expense trip to Monaco. 1482 01:28:45,554 --> 01:28:50,526 A day's hospitality with her serene highness, Princess Grace. 1483 01:28:50,559 --> 01:28:52,495 Uh, total monetary value? 1484 01:28:54,697 --> 01:28:56,098 Uh, approximately then. 1485 01:28:56,131 --> 01:28:58,401 I just have to put something down here. 1486 01:28:58,434 --> 01:29:00,936 About a $1,000. 1487 01:29:00,969 --> 01:29:04,006 - Price per ticket? - Uh, $20 apiece. 1488 01:29:04,039 --> 01:29:06,909 We're planning on selling 250 tickets. 1489 01:29:06,942 --> 01:29:09,578 Very well. Now, I've gotta ask you to swear to all this 1490 01:29:09,612 --> 01:29:12,815 identification with the required vital statistics. 1491 01:29:12,848 --> 01:29:14,783 - Your name? - Gertrude Wilson. 1492 01:29:15,784 --> 01:29:16,952 Address? 1493 01:29:16,985 --> 01:29:19,622 Uh, 210 Chestnut Drive. 1494 01:29:19,655 --> 01:29:20,789 Age? 1495 01:29:24,627 --> 01:29:25,761 Age? 1496 01:29:27,730 --> 01:29:30,533 Um... [clears throat] 1497 01:29:30,566 --> 01:29:32,501 [stammering] 1498 01:29:41,677 --> 01:29:43,779 [stammering] 1499 01:29:46,449 --> 01:29:47,850 Take your time. 1500 01:29:47,883 --> 01:29:50,519 We get this all the time, but it can't be helped. 1501 01:29:50,553 --> 01:29:53,522 Do you wanna try again to state your age? 1502 01:29:53,556 --> 01:29:55,724 [chuckles] 1503 01:29:55,758 --> 01:29:57,893 [stammering] 1504 01:30:10,839 --> 01:30:11,840 She's dead. 1505 01:30:11,874 --> 01:30:13,976 I always knew this would happen. 1506 01:30:16,645 --> 01:30:19,515 Oh, you did this deliberately. 1507 01:30:19,548 --> 01:30:20,916 You planned it deliberately! 1508 01:30:20,949 --> 01:30:22,585 I'll never forgive you for that. 1509 01:30:22,618 --> 01:30:23,819 But it's true, you're a bitch. 1510 01:30:23,852 --> 01:30:25,153 - Who's the bitch? - You. 1511 01:30:25,187 --> 01:30:26,188 Prove it. 1512 01:30:26,221 --> 01:30:28,591 I don't have to prove it, everybody knows it. 1513 01:30:28,624 --> 01:30:30,158 It's like two and two are four. 1514 01:30:30,192 --> 01:30:31,760 You are a bitch! 1515 01:30:31,794 --> 01:30:32,928 [screams] 1516 01:30:39,602 --> 01:30:40,603 [grunts] 1517 01:30:40,636 --> 01:30:41,604 [screams] 1518 01:30:42,838 --> 01:30:44,139 [sighs] 1519 01:30:45,941 --> 01:30:47,075 [both grunting] 1520 01:30:49,144 --> 01:30:51,079 [groaning] 1521 01:30:54,016 --> 01:30:55,651 No wonder your husband left you. 1522 01:30:55,684 --> 01:30:58,120 You dried up old hag! 1523 01:31:00,923 --> 01:31:03,025 [grunting] 1524 01:31:23,579 --> 01:31:24,880 [screaming] 1525 01:31:24,913 --> 01:31:26,048 Stop! 1526 01:31:33,255 --> 01:31:35,190 [screaming] 1527 01:31:38,060 --> 01:31:40,629 [Tillie laughing] 1528 01:31:40,663 --> 01:31:41,630 Stop! 1529 01:31:42,297 --> 01:31:44,266 [grunting] 1530 01:31:45,601 --> 01:31:47,536 [screaming] 1531 01:31:49,738 --> 01:31:52,207 Tillie: No, no! 1532 01:31:52,240 --> 01:31:54,176 [groaning] 1533 01:32:04,720 --> 01:32:06,655 [grunting] 1534 01:32:13,328 --> 01:32:15,297 [screaming] 1535 01:32:21,169 --> 01:32:23,305 Tillie: So, Gertrude, age still unknown 1536 01:32:23,338 --> 01:32:26,742 is in the Bahamas for a much needed vacation, 1537 01:32:26,775 --> 01:32:29,745 and I'm here in this so-called rest home 1538 01:32:29,778 --> 01:32:32,080 trying to pull myself together. 1539 01:32:32,114 --> 01:32:34,883 And Pete... 1540 01:32:34,917 --> 01:32:37,019 Who knows where Pete is. 1541 01:32:40,656 --> 01:32:41,657 [knock at door] 1542 01:32:41,690 --> 01:32:42,691 Come in. 1543 01:32:44,159 --> 01:32:46,261 You have a visitor, Mrs. Seltzer. 1544 01:32:49,665 --> 01:32:50,633 Jimmy. 1545 01:32:55,103 --> 01:32:57,906 Oh, [chuckles] must they throw a pistachio at you 1546 01:32:57,940 --> 01:32:59,174 at this hour of the day? 1547 01:32:59,207 --> 01:33:01,343 Couldn't they wait until evening? Heh. 1548 01:33:05,413 --> 01:33:08,083 You smell better than your flowers. 1549 01:33:08,116 --> 01:33:11,219 My dear girl, I am going to get you out of this 1550 01:33:11,253 --> 01:33:13,055 if it takes a letter to Washington. 1551 01:33:13,088 --> 01:33:15,323 [chuckles] 1552 01:33:15,357 --> 01:33:19,728 Well, ah, may I sit down in one of your chairs? 1553 01:33:19,762 --> 01:33:22,931 Mm. From what mortician were they rented? 1554 01:33:22,965 --> 01:33:24,266 [chuckles] 1555 01:33:25,701 --> 01:33:26,501 [sighs] 1556 01:33:26,534 --> 01:33:28,704 Last time I was in a room like this 1557 01:33:28,737 --> 01:33:31,640 was when I visited an old aunt of mine in Chicago. 1558 01:33:31,674 --> 01:33:32,775 She was nearly 90 then. 1559 01:33:32,808 --> 01:33:37,680 And it has long since been torn down, but no matter. 1560 01:33:37,713 --> 01:33:40,816 [sighs] Well, pit. 1561 01:33:40,849 --> 01:33:44,352 This is going to give mental health a black eye. 1562 01:33:44,386 --> 01:33:46,955 For a long time, I had two. 1563 01:33:46,989 --> 01:33:48,223 It was all for nothing. 1564 01:33:48,256 --> 01:33:50,993 I never did find out how old she was. 1565 01:33:51,026 --> 01:33:52,695 Well, while she's in the Bahamas 1566 01:33:52,728 --> 01:33:55,130 I'm spreading the word that she's 53. 1567 01:33:55,163 --> 01:33:57,065 Let her straighten us out when she gets back. 1568 01:33:57,099 --> 01:33:58,734 [chuckles] 1569 01:33:58,767 --> 01:34:00,769 But to hell with Gertrude. 1570 01:34:00,803 --> 01:34:02,971 I wanna talk to you. 1571 01:34:03,005 --> 01:34:05,974 You'll, um, forgive my prying, darling, 1572 01:34:06,008 --> 01:34:07,843 because I'm interested. 1573 01:34:07,876 --> 01:34:11,714 But your marriage is definitely over, isn't it? 1574 01:34:11,747 --> 01:34:14,850 Or, um, se fini nes pah, 1575 01:34:14,883 --> 01:34:17,019 to put it more elegantly. 1576 01:34:18,086 --> 01:34:20,088 I guess it is. 1577 01:34:20,122 --> 01:34:22,157 Right. 1578 01:34:22,190 --> 01:34:26,294 Now, I shall proceed to astonish myself. 1579 01:34:26,328 --> 01:34:28,797 Why don't you take a whack at it with me? 1580 01:34:28,831 --> 01:34:30,766 Ah, you could do worse. 1581 01:34:30,799 --> 01:34:32,968 Indeed you already have. 1582 01:34:33,001 --> 01:34:35,871 I've never married. Not for lack of opportunities. 1583 01:34:35,904 --> 01:34:39,875 I've had several propositions in my time. 1584 01:34:39,908 --> 01:34:42,177 Some of them from women. 1585 01:34:42,210 --> 01:34:46,715 I'm healthy, solvent and amusing. 1586 01:34:46,749 --> 01:34:48,183 I shall never beat you. 1587 01:34:48,216 --> 01:34:50,819 I'm not that interested in women. 1588 01:34:50,853 --> 01:34:53,288 And I shall make you chic. 1589 01:34:53,321 --> 01:34:55,958 I'll dress you from head to foot. 1590 01:34:55,991 --> 01:34:57,025 I'll do something with your hair. 1591 01:34:57,059 --> 01:34:58,794 I'll make you over, 1592 01:34:58,827 --> 01:35:02,898 because you do have possibilities. 1593 01:35:02,931 --> 01:35:04,733 There'll never be a dull moment. 1594 01:35:04,767 --> 01:35:06,034 We'll see all the shows. 1595 01:35:06,068 --> 01:35:08,103 We'll travel abroad once a year 1596 01:35:08,136 --> 01:35:10,305 always eating at least as well as at home 1597 01:35:10,338 --> 01:35:12,374 because flanking my cookbooks 1598 01:35:12,407 --> 01:35:13,909 is a shelf full of eating guides 1599 01:35:13,942 --> 01:35:15,243 beginning with the Michelin. 1600 01:35:15,277 --> 01:35:18,113 Pete always called them "Belly Baedekers." 1601 01:35:18,146 --> 01:35:21,383 Please not while I'm proposing. 1602 01:35:22,550 --> 01:35:26,221 Well, you'll find everything a woman can 1603 01:35:26,254 --> 01:35:29,191 reasonably expect in this world. 1604 01:35:29,224 --> 01:35:33,228 Food, shelter, clothing, 1605 01:35:33,261 --> 01:35:36,832 and... a sort of a husband. 1606 01:35:37,833 --> 01:35:39,902 Oh, my mother. 1607 01:35:39,935 --> 01:35:42,437 I have a mother someplace. 1608 01:35:42,470 --> 01:35:44,506 This will sum up my mother for you. 1609 01:35:44,539 --> 01:35:47,209 She'd vote for Ronald Reagan for president 1610 01:35:47,242 --> 01:35:49,511 because any man who had both legs amputated, 1611 01:35:49,544 --> 01:35:52,948 as he did in that movie that keeps being reshown, 1612 01:35:52,981 --> 01:35:55,317 and then went on to become governor of California, 1613 01:35:55,350 --> 01:35:57,452 deserves our admiration. 1614 01:35:57,485 --> 01:35:59,454 We'll see her once a year. 1615 01:35:59,487 --> 01:36:02,224 And we'll phone her every Christmas Eve. 1616 01:36:03,859 --> 01:36:06,261 Well, I guess that just about wraps it up. 1617 01:36:07,963 --> 01:36:09,798 Done and done. 1618 01:36:09,832 --> 01:36:11,466 Goodbye for the present. 1619 01:36:11,499 --> 01:36:14,002 Now, I must go and prattle about us. 1620 01:36:14,036 --> 01:36:15,170 Jimmy. 1621 01:36:17,873 --> 01:36:20,375 Could we make it our secret for the time being? 1622 01:36:20,408 --> 01:36:24,346 Of course, else what would there be to prattle about? 1623 01:36:24,379 --> 01:36:26,314 Don't breathe a word. 1624 01:36:26,348 --> 01:36:29,151 One busybody in the family is enough. 1625 01:36:55,310 --> 01:36:57,012 Hello, Mrs. Seltzer. 1626 01:36:57,045 --> 01:36:58,881 Hello, Pete, how are you? 1627 01:36:58,914 --> 01:37:01,549 What the hell are you doing here in Disneyland? 1628 01:37:01,583 --> 01:37:04,286 [chuckles] I don't even know for sure. 1629 01:37:04,319 --> 01:37:06,121 Are you keeping busy? 1630 01:37:06,154 --> 01:37:07,589 How are things in town? 1631 01:37:07,622 --> 01:37:09,992 Well, you know, San Francisco this time of year. 1632 01:37:10,025 --> 01:37:12,360 Crawling with Americans. 1633 01:37:12,394 --> 01:37:15,397 Why didn't you call a man? 1634 01:37:15,430 --> 01:37:17,900 I looked in your room, I noticed your bags were packed. 1635 01:37:17,933 --> 01:37:19,267 Yeah, I'm leaving. 1636 01:37:19,301 --> 01:37:22,570 I was just taking a last little walk. 1637 01:37:22,604 --> 01:37:24,439 Listen, Tillie, we're going to have to be strong. 1638 01:37:24,472 --> 01:37:26,508 We're going to have to face the cold hard facts. 1639 01:37:26,541 --> 01:37:29,477 This separation of ours, it just isn't working out. 1640 01:37:29,511 --> 01:37:31,079 I mean, my plumber tells me 1641 01:37:31,113 --> 01:37:34,116 that the pursuit of women is flight from woman. 1642 01:37:34,149 --> 01:37:35,350 What does that mean? 1643 01:37:35,383 --> 01:37:38,020 What the hell do I know, am I a plumber? 1644 01:37:38,053 --> 01:37:39,254 Woman: Come on now, cool it. 1645 01:37:39,287 --> 01:37:41,456 You can't run around in here like that. 1646 01:37:41,489 --> 01:37:42,657 Come on. 1647 01:37:42,690 --> 01:37:44,092 Hey, kiddo, that's-- 1648 01:37:44,126 --> 01:37:45,560 Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. 1649 01:37:45,593 --> 01:37:47,495 Now, that was very rude of you! 1650 01:37:47,529 --> 01:37:49,231 You mustn't run in between people like that. 1651 01:37:49,264 --> 01:37:50,265 Child: Who cares? 1652 01:37:50,298 --> 01:37:52,935 Woman: Oh! I care! 1653 01:37:52,968 --> 01:37:55,037 You've gotta be polite! 1654 01:38:07,249 --> 01:38:08,483 You know, this is the first time 1655 01:38:08,516 --> 01:38:10,385 you've ever cried for Robbie. 1656 01:38:10,418 --> 01:38:13,221 [sniffles] Not quite correct. 1657 01:38:13,255 --> 01:38:15,523 The first time I've ever cried aloud. 1658 01:38:18,060 --> 01:38:19,427 Oh, God, Pete. 1659 01:38:20,662 --> 01:38:22,497 When I think of all the wonderful things 1660 01:38:22,530 --> 01:38:25,500 you never said to me. 1661 01:38:25,533 --> 01:38:28,103 You should've heard them anyway. 1662 01:38:28,136 --> 01:38:29,504 Yeah. 1663 01:38:29,537 --> 01:38:33,241 I suppose there was a lack in me somewhere. 1664 01:38:33,275 --> 01:38:34,977 [sighs] 1665 01:38:35,010 --> 01:38:38,546 When I think of all the times I was so irritated with you... 1666 01:38:40,315 --> 01:38:42,550 and yet right now, 1667 01:38:42,584 --> 01:38:45,988 I don't think I've ever loved you more. 1668 01:38:46,021 --> 01:38:49,524 Well, love without irritation is just lust. 1669 01:38:49,557 --> 01:38:53,228 Not that there's anything particularly wrong with lust. 1670 01:38:53,261 --> 01:38:54,596 [chuckles] 1671 01:38:54,629 --> 01:38:58,400 I just realized something about you, Pete. 1672 01:38:58,433 --> 01:39:00,202 I tried for years to put my finger 1673 01:39:00,235 --> 01:39:02,570 on what was wrong with you. 1674 01:39:02,604 --> 01:39:05,473 What your faults were, your flaws. 1675 01:39:07,175 --> 01:39:10,078 And now it's come to me. 1676 01:39:10,112 --> 01:39:12,347 You have no faults at all. 1677 01:39:13,548 --> 01:39:15,717 You're just hopeless. 1678 01:39:18,786 --> 01:39:21,023 Did you drive up? 1679 01:39:21,056 --> 01:39:22,724 Car is up front. 1680 01:39:22,757 --> 01:39:25,460 Your bags and coat are already in it. 1681 01:39:25,493 --> 01:39:28,230 Oh. [chuckles] 1682 01:39:28,263 --> 01:39:29,364 What's so funny? 1683 01:39:29,397 --> 01:39:31,399 Oh, I was just thinking. 1684 01:39:31,433 --> 01:39:33,468 Thank God I have Pete Seltzer to see me 1685 01:39:33,501 --> 01:39:36,504 through the disillusionments of a marriage. 1686 01:39:37,805 --> 01:39:40,408 I like your attitude, Mrs. Seltzer. 1687 01:39:43,211 --> 01:39:45,347 [birds chirping] 1688 01:39:50,218 --> 01:39:52,354 [serene music] 111961

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