Original subtitles

[upbeat rock music]

- How about these American flag

earrings?

Do these say Spirit of

Independent school recital?

- Oh, totally.

Oh, hey, what about

these magnetic earrings?

Do they say, "I'm super lame

'cause I don't have

my ears pierced yet?"

[laughter]

- Nailed it.

[chuckles]

- Dawn, no one

can tell they're fake.

[thuds]

- That'll tell 'em.

[laughter]

- Why won't they stay on?

- Oh, sweetie.

You've got some

serious D.E.L.s.

- D.E.L.s?

- Dense earlobes.

It's a thing.

That's why those magnets

don't work for you.

And those shoes

are questionable.

[laughter]

- The shoes are fine...

but those lobes

are pretty meaty.

[laughter]

- Do a lot of people have this?

- Oh, goodness, I hope not.

It must run in your family.

- Nope.

- These magnets

work just fine for us.

- I'm wearing five pairs.

[laughter]

- I hate that they look

prettier than me.

- And the skinny one

has better shoes.

I just call it as I

see it, girl.

Sorry.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Mom, Dad...

it's time.

- Dawn, we've been over this.

We're not sending your brothers

to live with your Aunt Jackie.

- No! I meant it's finally time

for me to get my ears pierced.

I mean, I really want to look

nice for our school recital.

- Dawn, I still think

you're too young.

You can wear magnet earrings.

- No, I can't.

- D.E.L.s.

- You have them, too?

- No, gross, ugh.

Your mother does.

[laughter]

- We don't.

- Totally normal.

- Nothing meaty over here.

[laughter]

- Come on, Mom.

- Sorry, we're just not

a piercing family.

- But Mae and all of my friends

have theirs pierced.

- Honey, I don't even have

my ears pierced.

- What? But I've seen

you wear earrings.

- On special occasions,

we use the hot glue gun.

[laughter]

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

- Ugh! This is so unfair!

Thick lobes and a "no?"

- Yeah, it's a tough day.

[laughter]

- [exhales]

Well, you know what?

One of those things

I can do something about.

I'm gonna get my ears pierced

behind Mom and Dad's back.

Because it's time

I declare my independence!

- I admire your chutzpah,

Dawn,

but you can't declare

your independence without us.

- Yeah.

- We're getting

our ears pierced, too.

- No, we want our independence

to be independent

of her independence.

- What if I want to get

my ears pierced?

- Well, then, declare

your own independence.

- I don't want to be

independent alone!

- Fine! We'll be

independent together.

Gentlemen...

Mark your votes.

- Wait, why do you have

index cards on you?

- We vote a lot, Dawn.

- Are you new here?

[laughter]

- All right,

let's see what we got.

Perfect.

"Get a snake" it is.

[laughter]

- Snake?

I wrote, "get a snack."

I'm hungry.

[laughter]

- Well, you misspelled

"snack" and wrote "snake,"

and since we've been asking

Dad for one for years,

we're getting a snake.

- Come on, guys,

snakes really freak me out.

- Then it is agreed.

Henceforth, today

shall be known as our...

"Quadpendence Day."

[laughter]

- To the mall!

- Okay, hold up.

Does it really

need a cute name?

For once,

can we just do something?

- Fine.

- No name.

- [unenthused]

To the mall.

[laughter]

- Okay.

- Who knew you needed

a parent with you

to get your ears pierced?

- And to get a snake!

- This plan was doomed

when we didn't name it.

[laughter]

- Well, this officially...

[laughter]

- That says, "socks."

- Yeah, I know!

Because it stinks...

like socks.

[laughter]

both: Oh.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na-na ♪

- ♪ One, two... ♪

- ♪ one-two-three-four! ♪

♪ ♪

- I can't believe my plan to get

my ears pierced didn't work.

- Well,

did you name the plan?

You guys usually come up

with a cute name.

[laughter]

- No.

Someone didn't want to.

[laughter]

- That's why we didn't

get a snake either.

- So much for our unnamed

attempt at independence.

[tuba note blares]

- All right, kids.

Let's rehearse.

[baton taps]

With feeling.

- Well, I'm not giving up.

- "Yankee Doodle" me.

[laughter]

[playing "Yankee Doodle"]

- Did our forefathers give up

on their Independence Day?

No! They never gave up!

♪ ♪

- Where are my whistlers?

[whistling "Yankee Doodle"]

- They fought

for their freedom,

just like we need

to fight for ours.

- Triangles!

- They fought for liberty

and the pursuit of happiness.

Just like we need

to fight for earrings,

and the pursuit of a snake.

So give me liberty,

or give me death!

- Death?

- Shh!

- We want a snake,

but not that bad.

- You know what I mean!

We just need to find a way

to get the things that we want.

- Snare drum.

[drum rolls]

all: Dooley!

- It's Yankee Dooley,

and I heard everything.

I'll be outside your garage

at 4:37 precisely.

[laughter]

When the coast is clear,

signal me with a bird sound.

♪ ♪

- Then the day that we as Quads

declare our independence...

is back on.

- Or...

a shorter way

to say it would be....

- [sighs]

Fine.

"Quadpendence Day" is back on.

- And everybody!

[all playing "Yankee Doodle"]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

- Okay.

4:37.

- I'll signal Dooley

with the bird sound.

Bird sound! Bird sound!

Bird sound!

- No,

I'm pretty sure he meant:

ca-caw, ca-caw!

- No, he meant

something like this.

[elaborate cawing]

- Bird sound! Bird sound!

- Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

- [elaborate cawing]

- Bird sound! Bird sound!

- Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

- [elaborate cawing]

- You know what?

This is my fault.

I should've

just said, "text me."

[boys continue

making bird sounds]

- Stop it!

- Oh, hey, my call worked.

- No, my call worked.

- No, my call worked.

- What are you saying?

- No, it was my call!

[overlapping squabbling]

- Stop!

- Bird brains.

- So, did you come through?

- Boom!

One ear piercer.

- Yes! Thanks, Dooley.

- So, is there

a boom in there for us?

- This is a two-boom bag, baby.

Boom!

One snake.

- Sweet!

- Awesome!

- Cool.

[laughter]

Look.

- [screams]

- Oh, heck no!

- Dicky, get him away!

Snake!

- You guys are just scared

'cause you haven't met him.

Dawn, Mae, meet...

I'm gonna go with Christopher.

- Dude, it's a snake.

It should be

Chrissssss-topher.

- I think you overdid it

on the "S"s.

- Who are you, the "S" police?

- There's no such thing.

- Then why you

all over my "S"?

[laughter]

- Okay.

Somebody please

put that snake away

so Mae can pierce my ears.

- Okay, let's do this.

- Oh, wait.

Is this gonna hurt?

- No.

- [straining]

- Oh!

- [screaming]

Ow!

- Was that Dawn?

- [groans]

Ah! That doesn't count!

Keep an eye on my sandwich.

[laughter]

- Ahh, I thought you said

that wasn't gonna hurt.

- Sometimes I'm wrong.

[laughter]

- Kids, what's going on?

- We heard Dawn scream.

all: Oh.

- That--that's just 'cause

we were having a...

"who-could-scream-the-loudest

contest"?

- Yup.

- Yes.

- Do you really expect us

to believe you were having a

"who-could-scream-the-loudest

contest"?

[laughter]

- Without including me?

I want in!

- [chuckles]

- Here we go.

[clears throat]

- Oh, hey, Dicky!

What are you doing?

- Just trying to hurt myself

so I'll scream louder.

[laughter]

- Nice plan.

- Dad, wait!

[laughter]

We should probably

take this inside, right?

- Oh, yeah, the acoustics.

They're much better in there.

- Ah, good thinking.

Clear the runway.

[exhales]

[laughter]

Whoo!

- [screams]

- You win, Dad!

[nervous chuckles]

- Chrissssss-topher tickles.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

- No way!

- You really got

your ears pierced?

- Check 'em out, ladies.

- So cute!

- So cute.

- Seriously?

You guys got a snake?

- Yup.

- We sure did.

- Pretty awesome, huh?

- Really? 'Cause you guys

don't look like snake guys.

- Zip it, Franco.

[laughter]

We're snake guys.

His name's Christopher.

[laughter]

- That doesn't even

sound like a snake name.

- Zip it, Franco.

That's because he said it wrong.

It's Chrissssss-topher.

[laughter]

- I don't know.

Sounds like you guys

are just making this all up.

- Zip it, Franco!

[laughter]

- So how'd you get perst

without a pernt?

- "Pierced"

without a "parent."

[laughter]

- Oh.

Dooley got me an ear piercer.

- That's supes kewl.

- Thanks.

[chuckles]

That is supes cool.

- No, she said

that soup is cold.

[laughter]

- Oh, but it's supes cool that

we all have our ears pierced.

Right?

- I have a confession.

- Wait, those--

those were just magnets?

- I'm sorry.

I was faking it.

I was just so embarrassed

my parents wouldn't let me

get my ears pierced.

- Mine wouldn't either.

- Sam herr.

[laughter]

- I can't believe

you guys were faking it.

- Dawn, you need

to pierce our ears.

- Actually,

I just have the piercer.

Mae did the piercings.

- Mae, you need

to pierce our ears.

- Yeah.

- Tote-lay.

[laughter]

- Okay.

I can handle those.

all: Yay!

- Chrissssss-topher is real!

- I'm still not buying it.

- Zip it, Franco!

- Telling me to zip it

doesn't prove

you have a snake.

- You're right, so come to

our house and we'll prove it.

- Oh, yeah? What time?

- When the big hand's on three

and the little hand's on...

zip it!

[laughter]

- I don't know what time that--

Harper boys: Zip it, Franco!

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Who are all these people?

- I told a few guys.

- A few?

This is why we always

tell you to zip it, Franco.

[laughter]

- Hey, where's the ear piercer?

- In the bag with the snake.

[laughter]

- Eww!

- Is that sanitary?

- Well, Dooley had it in there

before, and you're fine.

- Okay, as you all know,

there were some doubters

as to whether or not

we actually had a snake.

[laughter]

Nicky...

- Well, boys...

The time has come for you to--

chat amongst yourselves.

[laughter]

Boys, we need to chat

amongst ourselves.

[laughter]

- What?

- Little problem.

Christopher's missing!

- What?

What do you mean, "missing?"

- I-I think he means

missssss-ing.

[laughter]

- He must've escaped!

- What do you mean, "escaped?"

- I think he means...

essssss-caped!

[laughter]

- Don't tell Dawn,

or she's gonna freak out.

- Uh...what's going on?

Quad boys: Nothing!

- Then why are you whispering?

- [stammers]

Why are you whispering?

- I'm whispering because

you're whispering.

- We're whispering because

we don't want you to hear that

we lost the snake.

both: Dicky!

- Sorry!

I meant lossssss-t.

- [laughter]

- Don't freak out.

- Oh, I'm freaking out.

- Me too!

[laughter]

- Hey, guys!

What's the hold up?

- Yeah, Dawn.

What's the hold up?

- And what's with that

fahn-say footwork?

[laughter]

- Oh, you know!

[nervous chuckles]

Just...

super excited

to pierce your ears.

- I can't do this.

My hands are shaking.

- Relax,

I'll do the piercings.

- And I'll handle the guys.

- And I'll search for the snake.

- All right, ladies.

Who's up first?

[laughter]

- So, here's the thing.

You can't see the snake

right now because he's shedding,

and wants some privacy.

- Snakes don't need privacy.

- Told you they didn't have

a snake. I'm out of here!

Oh, and before you say it,

let me say it for you.

both: Zip it, Franco!

- We say where

the "zip its" go, Franco.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Oh, look at you,

Miss Dense Lobes.

Shopping for real earrings.

Such a dreamer.

[laughter]

- I don't have to dream anymore.

Ka-pow!

- Ka-wow!

You sneaky little minx.

- We're all sneaky

little minxes.

together: Ka-pow!

[laughter]

- Oh, Tom,

look at her dreaming.

She wants

her ears pierced so badly.

- Yup.

And you still won't let her.

What? You won't!

[laughter]

- All because I'm afraid

to get my ears pierced.

Am I a horrible parent?

- Yes.

[laughter]

[stammers]

No worse than me.

Not getting the boys

a snake because I'm afraid.

- Well, you know what?

Our horrible

parenting ends today.

- All of it?

- Oh, no!

Just this part!

- Ah! Are you sure?

The boys taking care

of a snake?

- Come on.

- No, you're right.

I'm sure they can handle it.

[squeamish groan]

♪ ♪

- Where could he be?

We've searched everywhere!

[phone dings]

- Well, this is just wonderful!

Franco text blasted

that we're liars.

We need to find that snake.

- Oh, there he is!

- Hey! That's my leg!

[laughter]

- Dude...

You gotta eat more.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Oh! How do these look?

- Like...

your mother!

- Oh, that's the last thing

I want to do is to look like--

- Your mother!

- That's what I'm saying...

Mother!

[laughter]

Hi, Mom.

Whatcha doing?

I'm just over here looking

"ear-resistible."

- Aw, Dawn, I know

exactly why you're here.

- You do?

- Yeah, you're checking out

the real earrings because

you want your ears

pierced so badly!

- [stammers]

You got me!

[chuckles]

- Well...

today is your lucky day.

I'm gonna let you

get your ears pierced.

Right now.

- [nervously chuckles]

Right now, right now?

- I knew you'd be so excited!

- Ooh!

Not as excited as I am!

[mouths words]

[mouthing words]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

- Take the mugs away

so we can see your ears.

- No, come on, don't--

- Just give them to me.

[laughter]

- Okay.

- You know what, Mom?

- I really shouldn't be

the only one in the family

to get my ears pierced up.

Let's make this

a mother/daughter thing.

Here, you go first!

- [gasps]

That is really sweet of you,

but ahh!

I think you should go first.

- Uh, no, really, uh, you...

[laughter]

- [squirms]

It's daughters before mothers.

- Uh, no, but everyone

knows the saying is...

mothers before daughters!

[laughter]

- [panting]

Okay, fine.

Okay. Here we go.

[squirming]

- Whoa!

I think we've hit

the mother lobe.

[laughter]

- All right, ready?

- [squealing]

[snaps]

Huh.

That wasn't that bad.

- [sighs]

Maybe for you.

Your lobe broke my piercer.

[laughter]

And it didn't even make a dent.

[laughter]

- Oh.

- I'm gonna need Big Jimmy.

- Who's Big Jimmy?

- Not who...

What.

[laughter]

- [screams]

- Ah, you know what, Mom?

We can always

come back another day.

- Great idea, honey!

Let's go-go-go--

[laughter]

- Whoo! Good thing

I didn't pull out Huge Jimmy.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- You really think

this is gonna work?

- We can't find

our snake anywhere.

We need you to lure him

out of hiding.

- But I'm not a snake charmer.

And I think luring things

only works in cartoons.

[laughter]

- Do you want

the cupcakes or not?

[laughter]

[playing "Yankee Doodle"]

♪ ♪

- Look!

There he is!

[awing]

- Get--

- Leg!

[laughter]

- Oh.

[distant whistling]

- That's Dad!

- I'm out!

[laughter]

- Quick, hide him!

- Uh...

- There, there, there, there.

[laughter]

- Go, go, he's--

Quad boys: [panting]

Quad boys: Hey, Dad!

- Hey, boys.

I have a...

[laughter]

surprise for you.

Something you've wanted

for a long time, but, uh,

I never got it

because I was...

afraid of...

[shrieks]

snakes!

[laughter]

- Enjoy!

- Thanks, Dad!

Now, how are we going to

take care of two snakes?

- Looks like we only

have to worry about one.

Christopher's missing!

- What?

[laughter]

- Dicky!

- Where'd he go?

- [groans]

Great!

Now we lost two snakes.

- Well, at least we know

things can't get any worse.

- Guys!

Do these look bad to you?

[all scream]

- They must be infected.

I knew that snake and

piercer shouldn't have been

in the same bag.

- Well, lesson learned.

- Guys! Come on!

This is really bad!

- Look at the bright side.

At least now things

can't get any worse.

[doorbell rings]

[quads scream]

- Okay...

now things--

- You really need to stop

saying that.

[laughter]

- Dawn!

What are we gonna do?

- It's almost time

for the recital.

- Yeah, and our errs

are all puffay and scarray.

[laughter]

- We never should've

declared our "Quadpendence."

- Okay, everybody, relax.

All we have to do is just

get through this recital

without anyone

noticing our ears.

- How are we gonna do that?

- These bonnets

don't even cover our ears.

- Well, we're still

not giving up.

Hey!

Did our forefathers give up?

No! They fought

for our independence.

- Dawn, it's really not

the same without the music.

- Fine, but we're

still not giving up.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

[clapping]

- Welcome, parents, to our

Spirit of Independence recital.

Now, as you're about to see,

these revolutionary students

worked until they were

red, white, and blue in the face

to entertain you.

[laughter]

So, I give you

your little stars...

and stripes.

[chuckles]

[clapping]

- Mae!

Are my ears covered?

- Shh!

You're screaming.

- Sorry!

I'm swollen inside, too!

I can barely hear.

- Huh?

- What?

- I can barly herr.

[laughter]

- Dawn.

I can't believe

we let you talk us into this.

I mean, we look ridiculous!

- Yes, yes,

the wigs do tickle us.

[laughter]

[drums rolling]

["America the Beautiful"

playing off-tempo]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- You guys sound way off!

- I know! Aren't we totally

pulling this off?

[laughter]

- Guys, what is going on?

We practiced this!

- This is horrible.

[laughter]

- At least it can't

get any worse!

- Shh!

[laughter]

[playing clarinet solo]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- Snake!

[all screaming]

- Snake, ahoy! Snake, ahoy!

He looked right at me!

- [screaming]

[laughter]

- [squealing]

- Told you we have a snake!

[laughter]

- [gasps]

What happened to your ears?

- Oh!

[chuckles]

It was the recital of the year!

[laughter]

- [gasping]

- [stammers]

The boys have a snake!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

- Wow, this might be the worst

infection I have ever seen.

- [shudders]

[gagging]

[laughter]

Oh, there is nowhere

to look in this house!

[laughter]

- Dad...

the snake you bought us,

which is the only snake...

- Mm-hmm.

- We've ever had in this house,

[laughter]

is now safe in the terrarium.

- I'm sorry, Mom.

I just wanted to get

my ears pierced so bad,

but I really shouldn't have

done it behind your back.

- Yeah, or in the garage.

With a dirty piercer.

Without adult supervision.

- Yeah, that too.

[laughter]

- And I probably shouldn't

have stopped you from

getting them pierced

just because I was scared.

- And I probably shouldn't

have bought you guys a snake

just because I was scared.

[laughter]

- Well, as long as

you three learned your lesson.

[laughter]

- Oh, honey,

can you open up the first aid

kit and hand me the ointment?

- Happy to, honey!

- Thank you.

- Happy to open anything that

doesn't have a snake in it.

[laughter]

Snake!

[squirming]

- [squealing]

- [screaming]

- Why are there two snakes?

boys: Uh...

Ahhh!

[laughter]

♪ ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪