Original subtitles

♪

- Aw, look at you kids.

I can't believe

you've been the face

of Honest Abe's Tires

for 12 years.

Oh, you're growing up so fast.

- She knows the beards

are fake, right?

- I just love when we shoot

this commercial.

all: Us too.

- I hate it when we shoot

this commercial.

- My beard is itchy.

- I'm a girl.

I don't even get

why I have a beard.

- I don't get why we keep doing

this dumb commercial.

- Because Mom loves it,

and Dad gets free tires.

- But what's the connection

between us and tires?

- It's because...

"We're the Harper Quadruplets.

"And like the four of us,

the tires of a car

are the same age..."

all:

"And work in perfect harmony."

- It's the same lame script

every year.

- Have you guys seen

this year's script? It's genius!

You've done it again,

Honest Abe.

- These quads are the best thing

that have ever happened

to my tire business.

- Aww.

- I feel like

we've become family.

Nice to see you again,

Girl Quad,

Short Quad, Cute Quad,

and You Quad.

- Well, Mom and Dad Quad

are gonna browse the tires.

- Anything you want,

and grab yourself

an Honest Abe air freshener.

Here, kids.

You can have some too.

The scent is in the beard.

- Ah, I got ocean breeze.

- Ah, I got icy mint.

- I got autumn leaves.

- I got middle-aged beard.

- It's good to be a quad,

isn't it?

- Is it?

Is this what being a quad

has come to?

Sniffing beards and being

called "Girl Quad"?

- It's better than "Short Quad."

- I'm just "You Quad."

- "Cute Quad" isn't so bad,

but I'm offended for you guys.

- The point is, he doesn't

even know our names.

He's just using us

because we're quads.

- Yeah, like we're some sort

of freak show.

Uh, Dawn,

your lady beard's crooked.

- Oh, thank you.

Wait, what am I doing?

Look, I am sick of doing

this same commercial

every year.

- Yeah.

- Me too.

- I'm over it.

- What's the matter, quads?

- You know, we're not

just quads.

We have names.

I'm Dawn.

That's Nicky.

That's Ricky; that's--

- I'm good with Cute Quad.

- Admit it.

You're only using us

because we're quads.

- [laughing]

Of course I am.

- We're not even getting

anything out of it.

I mean, our dad gets tires,

but what about us?

- Yeah, it's not like we get

to get cool outfits

or go on tour as spokespeople.

- Yeah, or get a limo

with an ice-cream sundae bar.

- Well, that's just crazy talk.

Is this about

the air fresheners?

You Quad, swap with Girl Quad.

- This is not about

the air fresheners.

This is about being more

than just quads.

- But you're

the most famous quads

in all of Boulder

and half of Denver.

- Not anymore.

Our days as the Harper Quads...

are over.

- What are you saying?

- We're re-tire-ing.

Up top.

- Wait a minute.

You're quitting?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who's quitting?

all: We are.

- What?

- We don't want to be

in this commercial anymore.

- Fine.

No commercial,

no beards,

no air fresheners,

nothing!

- What--what about

our new tires?

- No tires!

- Aww.

- Well, Tom, if the kids

don't want to do it,

they don't have to do it.

- Honey, he already took

last year's tires off our car.

- Parenting, Tom.

Hey, I am proud of you

for standing up for yourselves.

all: Thanks, Mom.

- We have no tires!

- Thomas Louise Harper!

- It is Louis.

The hospital spelled it wrong.

- And we're not leaving here

with nothing.

The Harper family...

is walking out of here

with our dignity.

- Right.

Run, Anne!

[crashing]

- Well, there goes the dignity.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

[whistling]

♪ ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪

♪ One, two ♪

- ♪ Na na na na na na ♪

- ♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

♪

♪

- So you guys just quit

your big tire commercial?

- We didn't quit.

We re-tire-d.

Up top.

- But you guys were, like,

the most famous quads

in Boulder.

- And half of Denver.

- Attention, students.

I have two announcements.

Apparently, some prankster

thought it would be funny

to put bologna in my shoes.

Well, the joke's on them.

Not only does it give me

a nice arch support,

but my turtle Shelly

gets the treat

of some sweet feet meat.

Carry on.

Let's go, Shelly.

- Um, weren't there two

announcements, Principal

Tarian?

- Oh, yeah.

Not so fast, Shelly.

We have some special visitors:

the new faces

of Honest Abe's Tires.

- New faces?

- He replaced us?

- And here to introduce

the stars

of Honest Abe's

Four-Part Harmony Tour...

- He's taking them on tour?

- Is Honest Abe himself.

- Thank you.

Let's give a warm welcome

to the adorable Kramden Quads:

Emma, Jules,

George, and Lyle.

[applause]

- He knows their names?

- What makes them so special?

- Well, you don't see

quadruplets every day.

- Uh, hello?

We're quadruplets.

- Yeah, but not

the matching kind.

- We could dress up like that

if we wanted to,

but we're not some

cheap novelty act.

- Hit it, quads!

all: ♪ Come in and learn

the power of four ♪

♪ At Honest Abe's Tire Store ♪

♪ Take it from ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

all: ♪ The tires work ♪

♪ In four-part harmony ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Wow.

That was pretty amazing.

- I know, right?

- Well, we could sing like that

if we wanted to.

- Really?

Since when?

- Since now.

Hit it, boys!

[all singing off-key]

♪ Take it from me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

- ♪ Me ♪

[all singing off-key]

♪ The tires work ♪

♪ In four-part harmony ♪

[grating tune]

- You four, hush.

The quads are singing.

- Hit it, quads!

all: ♪ Come in and learn ♪

♪ The power of four ♪

♪ Of Honest Abe's Tire Store ♪

[upbeat music]

[metallic scraping]

- Is that your father?

- Yeah, he's sparking.

- Don't you mean parking?

- Nope.

- You know, I would've thought

your dad would have

bought new tires by now.

- Yeah, we all would've thought.

[metallic scraping]

- Or at least switched

his carpool day.

- So how was school?

- It was weird for...

[all singing off-key]

♪ Me ♪

- It was weird for all of us.

- Honest Abe replaced us

with new quads

and brought them to school

to talk about tire safety.

- Oh, and the principal

showed off his sweet feet meat.

[metallic scraping]

- Ugh.

So are you guys

upset about this?

- No.

- Not at all.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- I'm good.

[metallic scraping]

- This is so much better!

[all yelp]

- Hi.

- Sorry to bother you,

but didn't you guys used to be

the Harper Quads?

- "Used to be"?

- We just wanted you to know

that you were

our greatest inspiration.

- Wait, "were"?

- Yeah, you know,

before you re-tire-d.

[all laughing]

- Oh, I get it now.

"Re-tire-d."

Why didn't you

say it funny like them?

- We're just so grateful

that you guys

gave us the opportunity

to become the most

famous quads in all of Boulder.

- And half of Denver.

- Abe thinks we can

go full Denver.

- Ah, youth.

- It goes downhill pretty fast.

Before you know it,

you'll be four nameless lumps

with itchy beards.

- Jules, Emma, Lyle, George,

there's sundaes waiting for you

in the limo.

- Got to go!

- Thanks again!

- That should be our limo.

- Yeah, and our ice cream.

- We've got to get

our commercial back.

- At least we've got bologna

in our shoes.

What?

I'm the only one?

- This is why we never

went full Denver.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- Honk, honk.

Quad-mobile comin' through.

- We just drove over

to humbly ask for our jobs back.

- What?

- Oh, let us

roll down the window.

[grunting]

We want our jobs back.

- Look, can I be frank with you?

- Hey, man, it's 2016.

You be who you got to be.

- When you guys were kids,

your quad light shone bright,

but the other day,

I saw that light go out.

- No, we've still got

our quad light.

Hit it, boys.

- Hit what?

- You're not the boss of me.

- What's a quad light?

- This is exactly

what I'm talking about.

The Kramdens never disagree.

Sorry, kids.

You had your run,

but now you're done.

- They never disagree?

How is that possible?

- It's not.

All brothers and sisters fight.

It's natural.

- Yeah, we fight all the time.

- No, we don't.

- Yes, we do.

- No, we don't.

- You're fighting right now.

- No, we're not.

- Yeah, we are.

- No, we're not.

- Yeah, we are.

- No, we're not.

- Yes, we are!

- Just stop.

See?

All brothers and sisters fight.

- Except the Kramdens,

which is why this

retired Lincoln is thinkin'

something's stinkin'.

- Maybe the Kramdens don't fight

because they're not really

brothers and sisters.

- Of course.

They're just pretending

to be related

to get cool stuff.

- We got to prove this

to Honest Abe.

He'll never let those fake quads

be the face of his store.

- And when they're out,

we'll be in.

- All right, let's roll.

[all saying "beep"]

- [whistling]

- So how can we prove

those Kramdens are frauds

and get our commercial back?

- Ooh!

- What do you got?

- We could ride around

in their limo

and eat their ice cream.

- And how will that

prove anything?

- Well, it--it won't,

but at least we get

to ride around in a limo

and eat ice cream.

- Ooh!

- What do you got?

- I like Nicky's plan.

- Okay, from now on,

if you "ooh,"

you either have to have

a good idea,

or have to go to the bathroom.

- Ooh!

Mae, doesn't your Mom work at a

crime lab?

- Now that's how you "ooh."

- Yeah, my Mom uses DNA

all the time

to prove all sorts of stuff.

- It sounds like this

Dee Ennay lady

is doing all the work.

Maybe we should

just go straight to her

and not waste our time

with Mae's Mom.

- No, DNA is contained

in every cell in the human body,

and it stores all the body's

biological information.

People who are related

will have similar DNA.

- Like we do.

- Exactly.

So if the Kramden Quads

aren't related,

their DNA will prove it.

- And since it's in every cell,

all you need to do is get

a little piece of them,

like sweat, hair,

or fingernails.

Ugh, spit or slobber

will work too.

- Ooh!

- Do you have an idea

of how to get that?

- Nope.

It's the other "ooh."

♪ ♪

- Now, remember,

put their DNA samples

in these bags.

- There they are.

- Ice cream limo, here we come.

- Hey, Kramdens.

Thanks so much for coming.

- Thanks for having us.

- Congrats on being

Abe's new faves.

- To celebrate,

we've invited you

to "Try It

Before You Buy It Day"

here at Tom's Get Sporty.

- Feel free to try out

anything you want in the store.

Grab stuff, touch stuff.

- Taste stuff.

Mae, lick a baseball.

Show 'em how it's done.

- No.

- We'll be around

if you have any questions.

Now go have fun!

♪ ♪

- Ow! Something tore a piece

of my fingernail off.

♪ ♪

- I got Lyle's ice cream

out of the limo.

- Nicky, you were supposed

to get the spoon.

- Oh, I got the spoon.

This is to celebrate.

♪ ♪

- Ah, those are

two good choices,

and there's only one way

to know for sure.

Go ahead.

You know you want to.

♪ ♪

Good choice.

♪ ♪

- This gum you gave me

tastes horrible.

Where can I get rid of it?

- Here.

- [spits]

- Yes, I got it.

Hey.

♪ ♪

- Ow!

What are you doing?

- Uh, fishing for compliments.

- Were you going to put my hair

in that bag?

- What bag?

- The one that says

"DNA Sample."

- Which stands for...

"Do Not Assume"

this is for a DNA sample.

- Why are you guys

collecting our DNA?

- Because we know you're

not real quadruplets,

and we're gonna prove it

to get our commercial back.

- Wow, we really used to

look up to you guys,

but you've stooped so low.

- You're a disgrace

to quads everywhere.

- I bet they're not even

real quads.

[all gasp]

- We're more real quads

than you are.

- Oh, yeah?

Prove it.

- Oh, we will.

We'll test your DNA

and ours,

and then we'll see who

the fraud quads really are.

♪ ♪

- [panting]

Great news, kids.

The Kramden Quads

dropped out of Honest Abe's

commercial.

- What?

- No time for questions.

Honest Abe wants you back!

- He does?

- I said

"no time for questions"!

Daddy needs some new tires,

so we got to get

back there pronto.

- No, but Tom, the kids

said they don't want

to do it anymore, remember?

- The man said "no questions."

Let's go!

[all speaking at once]

- Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Why do you think the Kramdens

dropped out of the commercial?

- They must've known

we were onto them,

and they probably skipped town.

- I knew they were fake quads.

- Yeah, real quads

never run scared.

- Let's go!

[all scream]

- Let's go!

Let's go, let's go!

- [yells]

♪ ♪

- Honest Abe.

Thank you so much

for having us back.

We are so excited.

- Well, you're definitely

my second choice,

but at least you were available,

and I didn't have to

get those costumes cleaned.

- Have you ever considered

changing your name

to "Slightly Honest Abe"

and leaving some

of these details out?

- Hmm.

Let me try that.

Here, I didn't get these

from the trash.

Better?

- Yes.

Thank you.

- Ew.

These beards are dirty.

- Is this a blueberry?

- Ew, gross.

- So what if you got

a little blueberry

in your trash beards?

And so what if we didn't get

the limo or the ice cream?

We got what we wanted.

We're the Harper Quads again.

- Yeah.

- You're right.

- We're back!

- So you know

what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna celebrate

by enjoying this blueberry.

[spits]

Not a blueberry.

- Mae, what are you doing here?

- I brought the DNA results,

and it's big.

- Yeah, we know already.

The Kramdens ran away

because they're not

really quads.

- They didn't run away.

They went full Denver.

- Wait, so where are they now?

- Denver.

- But then what about the DNA?

- Yeah, are they real quads

or not?

- Oh, they're real quads.

- So then what's the big news?

- Yeah.

- You're not.

- [gasps]

- [whistling]

- ♪ La la la la la la,

la la la la la ♪

- It's true.

One of us is not related

to the other three.

- But who?

- I don't know.

We didn't put labels

on our samples

because we assumed

we'd all be related.

- But we're not.

One of us is the odd quad out.

- I said it was big.

- But which one of us

isn't one of us?

- We need to get

to the bottom of this.

Mom, Dad,

How long did you think you could

keep it a secret from us?

- What are you talking about?

- We already know.

Just admit it.

- Fine.

I took some apples for later.

- No, not that.

- Fine.

It wasn't a typo.

My middle name really is Louise.

- We're talking about the secret

of one of us not being related

to the other three.

- Not related?

That's ridiculous.

- We have the DNA results

that prove we're not real quads.

- Well, there must be

some mistake.

- Maybe there was a mix-up

at the hospital.

There were a lot

of babies there.

Maybe Dad grabbed

the wrong one.

- No way.

I know what my babies

look like.

It's like these four apples.

- That one's a pear.

- Is it?

- Harper Quads to the set!

- Oh, come on, guys, that's you.

all: Is it?

♪ ♪

- Uh, Nicky, you're in my spot.

- No, this is my spot.

- Nicky's probably

the odd quad.

He does look different

from the rest of us.

And he loves pasta.

I wonder if he's Italian?

- Ah, grazie, mamma.

Mmm.

- I bet Dawn's the odd quad.

She's a girl.

We're all boys.

It's obviously her.

- Girls rule.

- I bet Ricky's the odd quad.

He thinks

he's so much smarter than us.

- No, thank you, mother.

I already know everything.

- I bet Dicky's the odd quad.

He eats shoe bologna.

- Sweet feet meat.

- Come on, guys.

- Yeah, hats and beards.

Let's go.

- Ah, there you go.

- Awesome.

- All right, quads.

Looking good.

And...

action!

- Four tires

and seven years ago...

- Our father bought a set

of all-weather radials

from Honest Abe's.

- Where you're guaranteed to get

four perfectly matching tires

that work in perfect harmony,

just like quads.

- Quads like us.

- Uh, but sometimes

three matching tires and one

completely unrelated tire

are good too.

- Cut!

Aw, I miss them Kramden Quads.

- Kids, are you okay?

- We can't do this, Dad.

We're not really family.

- [sighs]

Guys, I want you

to look at something.

- Wow, look at us,

back when we thought

we were all family.

- Okay, what do you think

family is?

- People who are

actually related?

- Is that all?

Look at those pictures.

- Hmm.

- Do you see any DNA up there?

- I don't.

All I see are is four kids

who came into this world

together,

who grew up together,

who argue about

everything together,

but at the end of the day,

they come back together

and they love each other.

- Now, if that's not family,

I don't know what is.

- Hey, guys.

I just got a text

from my Mom.

She retested the DNA samples,

and we found out which one

of you isn't related.

- You know what?

It doesn't matter anymore.

- We don't want to know.

- Because no matter what

that stupid DNA test says...

we are family.

- Absolutely.

But just out of curiosity.

- It's the one

who's part terrier.

- Wait, what?

- Huh?

- One of us is a dog?

- Well, I guess that explains

my adorable puppy-dog eyes.

- No, Dicky,

you're not part dog.

One of the samples

must have been contaminated.

- By Squishy!

- He's been chewing

on everything lately.

- [barking]

- See, you are all related,

just like we said.

- This is a real sweet

family moment,

but I got to be honest.

You four are out.

I'm going a whole new way.

Whoo!

[patriotic music]

Honest Abe's Tires.

For when the road gets...

- ♪ Na na na na na na

na na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na

na na na na na na ♪

[whistling]

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪